Friend issue-my problem or theirs?

LegacyUser

I will try to keep this short....

A while ago a friend and i had a weekend away at a terrible hotel. During our nights there nearly everything possible went wrong. Loud parties, people banging on our door at all hours, fire alarms going off and no staff were answering phones or telling people nothing was wrong as the hotel was understaffed. Had to queue for breakfast for 30 mins at a buffet and clean our own table. Complained the next day and they offered us a free night in a suite with dinner included. So the friend asked me out for a drink and i said yes-we should plan when we're taking that night away. I got no reply, which is odd because she is someone that texts too much not too little if you know what i mean.

Fast forward to when we did meet up and i asked her when she wanted to go and she said she had already used it! She went to the place with her bf and they took the free night then. I'm a bit annoyed because its was our joint bad experience that gave us the compensation of the free night, and as i paid half the hotel bill then obviously i'm entitled to half of this. She couldn't see my point at all and thinks i'm being totally unreasonable and that i should be happy for her that she had a nice night away


Can i please have some opinions because i'm really annoyed and her being annoyed at me is just infuriating me more. Do i have a reason to be annoyed or should i just be happy for her? Thanks...

Penn

Of course you shouldn't be happy for her. She took something which was half yours without even consulting you. I think you have every right to be annoyed with her. Find out how much the room would have cost and ask for half the cost.

LegacyUser

Thanks for the reply. I wouldn't feel comfortable giving her an invoice for the stay. As it was a suite and a large dinner including wine i think its was probably 1500 altogether and i knwo she told her bf she was giving him a treat. So i think he would get a land with a bill that size and if i asked her for the money it would end our friendship as she would think i'm being extremely unreasonable

Ickle Magoo

What advice do you want then? Your friend has used your compensation to treat herself to a romantic get away and you won't say or do anything?

LegacyUser

I wanted opinions on who was at fault, because if i was genuinely at fault i would like to see that. I would really like to be able to talk to her and sort it out so the situation is rectifed and our friendship doesn't suffer. If i hand her a bill for nearly a grand when she feels she's the victim, then that will be the end of our friendship. Any advice

Penn

€1500? Where was the hotel? New York? I seriously doubt it was that expensive. And if it was, I'd definitely be looking to get some money from her.

Either way, the voucher was for the two of you, and she used it herself without your consent. She is in the wrong. You don't want to lose her friendship, but you have to ask yourself if you really want to be friends with someone who'd do that and still try and make you feel bad

boarduser1980

OMG the neck of her, that was so selfish. i cant believe how cheeky some people are.
you have every right to be annoyed.

when the hotel gave you's the voucher/invoice for the free night, i take it, it was handed to her? was the weekend away originally booked in her name? if so it sounds like she felt that she had to right to use the free night for herself.

you paid for your half of the weekend away so obviously your entilted to half that free night, but she gets a free night away with her bf at your expense....tut tut, bad bad friend. I wouldnt have any time for someone like that.

dobsdave

opinions needed wrote: »

I wanted opinions on who was at fault, because if i was genuinely at fault i would like to see that. I would really like to be able to talk to her and sort it out so the situation is rectifed and our friendship doesn't suffer. If i hand her a bill for nearly a grand when she feels she's the victim, then that will be the end of our friendship. Any advice

So do you want compensation for the night in the suite that your friend stole off you, or just remain friends, or a bit of both?

28064212

opinions needed wrote: »

I wanted opinions on who was at fault, because if i was genuinely at fault i would like to see that. I would really like to be able to talk to her and sort it out so the situation is rectifed and our friendship doesn't suffer. If i hand her a bill for nearly a grand when she feels she's the victim, then that will be the end of our friendship. Any advice

At the very, very least, if you're ok with being treated like a doormat, she should refund what you originally paid for the first stay (the crap one). However, what she did was completely unacceptable. Let me put it to you this way OP: if the hotel had just refunded you your money instead of offering a free nights stay, would you be ok with her giving your half of the refund to her boyfriend instead?

Even the way that she went about it shows that she knew it was wrong, but thought you'd do what you're planning on doing, just letting it slide. She knows that she's completely in the wrong, but is hoping you'll let her away with it

MrDarcy

opinions needed wrote: »

Thanks for the reply. I wouldn't feel comfortable giving her an invoice for the stay. As it was a suite and a large dinner including wine i think its was probably 1500 altogether and i knwo she told her bf she was giving him a treat. So i think he would get a land with a bill that size and if i asked her for the money it would end our friendship as she would think i'm being extremely unreasonable

There's a saying OP, "you can't shame a mean <snip>", and it sounds like that's what you are dealing with here. If someone is mean/miserable, you can't shame them, no matter how hard you try. I'd ask her for the money up front and ditch her as a friend, I had this issue with a mate once, people like this just drag you down, you end up having sh*t nights watching your back waiting for them to sting you again and it's usually in the form of round dodging or taxi fare dodging or something along those lines...

MistyCheese

opinions needed wrote: »

if i asked her for the money it would end our friendship

I honestly cannot understand why you're concerned about the potential end of the friendship. If I were in your shoes the friendship would now have ended due to this girl's selfishness. I would no longer consider this person to be a friend.

solovely

I would lay on the guilities....although as some people said, you can't shame a meanie.

Tell her you really want to talk. Say to her that you really upset by what she did, that you felt that you were a really close friend of hers, and that you were so looking forward to spending some quality time with her after the last time was such a disaster. Say that you are really hurt that your friendship meant so little, and that she would be willing to throw it all away for a dirty weekend with her boyfriend....that way you are positioning her as the one ending the friendship.

I know it's playing to victim mentality, but you are the victim here and she should be made to feel really really bad!

28064212

Actually OP, there's only one way in which your and her actions make any kind of sense - did she pay for the original holiday (i.e. did she pay both your shares)? If she did, then yes, there's an argument that she was entitled to take her boyfriend instead of you, although it would still be a little mean.

If not though, and you paid your fare share first time round, then read my last post and realise how much you're being taken for a ride

Fittle

1500 for ONE nite in a hotel with dinner and wine????? Is it the Taj Mahal????:rolleyes:

Apart from the fact that that couldn't possibly be the cost of the night OP, you're friend is taking the p!ss. So you either decide you want a refund of half the cost of that night or blow her out completely.

She's no friend OP. There's not a hope I'd do that to anyone - never mind someone I claimed was a friend!

LegacyUser

When i said 1500 i was guessing at the cost of the suite plus the full three course dinner with the drinks. This is the compensation we were offered and accepted. Our original night in a basic room cost about 200 with breakfast. It was booked in her name on her care and i paid her my share in cash. She has said she used it because she needed the break and as things were rocky with her bf i should understand how important this was to them. I feel that if she were genuine in this she would have asked me first. She said she didn't think i would overreact this way and thought it would be fine.

I've sent her a text asking to talk. I will let you know what she says

bubbaloo

Good God - she is a sneaky b***h!
The fact that she didn't tell you until after the event proves she knows exactly what she was doing and that it was wrong.
I would have it out with her. Just tell her that you think it was really unfair and you'd appreciate the value of half of the voucher.
I wouldn't be worrying about yout friendship - she doesn't sound like the type of person you would need as a friend!
Good luck.

Even if she needed this night to try to repair things with her bf, why do you have to pay? The analogy of refunded money is a good one. If she wanted to take her bf, she should at least pay you back your half!

boarduser1980

opinions needed wrote: »

She has said she used it because she needed the break and as things were rocky with her bf i should understand how important this was to them. I feel that if she were genuine in this she would have asked me first. She said she didn't think i would overreact this way and thought it would be fine.

she is trying to put you on a guilt trip here, not your problem things are rocky with her bf, even so she should have asked you first, if it would be okay. tell her 'fair enough, but you can give me my half of the money'. Do not ask her for the money tell her you want it. End of

i like the way she said 'thought it would be fine', thought?? :eek: cheeky cow
she should have 'thought' of ringing or texting you before she went ahead with her bf. Her bf probably thinks his 'lovely' gf brought him to a lovely hotel and paid for it herself.

OP, give the hotel a call and ask them what the price would be of the suite plus meal. You are owed half of that amount!

LegacyUser

Thanks so much for all the replies. I'm really grateful for all the points. I'm not a doormat but i wanted to be clear on this that i was in the right as i don't want to go bananas later to have a step back and think ah no i was wrong! Ideally i would like her to understand she has done something wrong and apologise. I guess i would like something back too but even a dinner i would be happy with but i don't want to have to force her into making it right. If she is a good friend then she should make it right on her own accord but....

She does seem to have thought of it as hers. She did actually look a little baffled as to why i would have expected to go, i guess she thought it was hers and she could invite who she wished.

She replied saying to my text saying we had already talked about this, why are you trying to make an argument!!!

Oryx

DO NOT discuss this via text. Thats a recipe for disaster, so much can get misconstrued, and its touchy enough as it is.

I think your estimate of 1500 is way off the mark though. If someone asked me for 750 quid payback for a one night stay, which was compensation for something that originally cost 200, Id think they were nuts. Check the price of the suite and then consider what you think your share is worth.

28064212

opinions needed wrote: »

She does seem to have thought of it as hers. She did actually look a little baffled as to why i would have expected to go, i guess she thought it was hers and she could invite who she wished.

She replied saying to my text saying we had already talked about this, why are you trying to make an argument!!!

Giver her the scenario I posted earlier (preferably in person, not by text):

if the hotel had just refunded you your money instead of offering a free nights stay, would you be ok with her giving your half of the refund to her boyfriend instead?

She clearly knows she was wrong hoped you would say nothing, which is why she's getting so defensive and changing her story - first it was because she was on the rocks with the bf, now she doesn't even see the problem, and now she just wants to put it behind you. It's a common tactic from someone in the wrong to try and shift the focus ("Why are you getting so angry? What's your problem?"). Don't let her do that, and don't get side-tracked.

Also, the first text you sent about going away ("i said yes-we should plan when we're taking that night away"), was that sent before or after she went? If it was before, it's just one more kick in the teeth she's given you.

Honestly OP, I can understand not wanting to confront a friend when it's trivial, or there might be some reasonable circumstances, but she has no redeeming qualities in this story whatsoever. She may as well have broken into your house and stolen from you. Do not, under any circumstances, let her get away with this. At the very, very, very least, make sure you get a complete, full and unreserved apology from her, a guarantee to never treat you like that again, and a dinner/night-away on her.

ppink

Why did the hotel give you both a night in one suite as compensation? Did you originally sleep in the one room?

JonathanAnon

Well I think this raises two issues

i) How far you are going to take this issue to get retribution? Are you gonna let it go, or maybe not talk to her for a while, or maybe take her to the small claims court ?? I mean she is probably not going to pay you anything, as she thinks what she did is okay (which it really wasnt). I dont think you are gonna find any middle ground with this issue, I think you are gonna either have to let it go or engage battle stations..

ii) Are you sure about being friends with someone like this??? What she did was really, really sneaky and dishonest... She deliberately ignored your texts, and took something that was yours.. I'm not sure I would be able to trust her again, or even want to associate with her..

barleybooley

I'm with the others, ask her for half the share upfront and if she doesn't think this is right then get rid of her. Scabby people are wreck-the-heads. If you think down the line at say her wedding or her kids' christenings, you'll be the one with the super thoughtful gift and roles reversed, she'd be given you something she got as an unwanted present. She's not worth the hassle. A real friend would be utterly ashamed to do such a thing, but then again, a real friend wouldn't do what she did in the first place.

thefeatheredcat

opinions needed wrote: »

Thanks so much for all the replies. I'm really grateful for all the points. I'm not a doormat but i wanted to be clear on this that i was in the right as i don't want to go bananas later to have a step back and think ah no i was wrong! Ideally i would like her to understand she has done something wrong and apologise. I guess i would like something back too but even a dinner i would be happy with but i don't want to have to force her into making it right. If she is a good friend then she should make it right on her own accord but....

She does seem to have thought of it as hers. She did actually look a little baffled as to why i would have expected to go, i guess she thought it was hers and she could invite who she wished.

She replied saying to my text saying we had already talked about this, why are you trying to make an argument!!!

If she genuinely thought there wasn't going to be a problem with the shared voucher, why didn't she approach you re private time for herself and her bf, tell you they wanted it for themselves and offer you half the monetary value of the voucher? Any real friend would go about it decently like that!

She sees herself entitled to it cos the original was booked under her name and she has a bf, so what would you want with a romantic suite 3 course dinner and drinks?? That's the feeling I get of her anyway...

She's still treating you like a doormat - she's only being defensive re already talked about it cos she knows she's been caught in the wrong and pulling a tantrum cos she doesn't want you to make an issue with it and wants you to drop it.

You probably won't get the money back but I think you deserve better.

It's a bit like a situation where you both jointly entered a competition and won a car, and before you make any decisions on arrangements on the car, and you're at the photo op, she disappears and she's already in the drivers seat and driven off in it, leaving you standing there open mouthed. Then later you try and talk about it and she's rubbishing you saying 'I'm entitled to it, you can't drive, what would you want with it' and fobbing you off with defensive excuses.

that's how your 'friend' comes off.

shinikins

Wow. Your "friend" comes across as a selfish spoilt madam! I'd stick to my guns if i were in your position, you paid your share on the original disater trip, and your entitled to your share of the compensation.

If it were me, i would say it to her in front of her boyfriend. I have the feeling that he doesn't know the voucher was half yours, and it strikes me as the only way you could shame her into an apology. And I'd make no bones about telling her how disappointed you are about how she is treating you now.

Overheal

Im with Paddyirishman but more apathetically: Yes, I'd be pissed off at her. Would I chase her for compensation? No, if she needs to sneak around your back and be a snakey bastard-bitch then clearly she needed the freebie - maybe she'll pay you back in guilt. The fcuk knows. Either way, she ought to know she just pulled off a dick move.

That, and chasing your friends down for financial compensation Always works out. Always. One Hundred and Ten percent of the time. No. No it doesn't. But guilt, guilt works.

LegacyUser

Thanks everyone for the replies.

I thought i would post an update for anyone who is interested. In short she said that she wanted to use it up as she was afraid it was being left to long, the original night was about 2 months ago so i don't see how this is leaving it too long. Then she also said she'd gone through a really hard time with her bf and thought the night away would help a lot and she knew with me being such a good friend that i would want them to have their nice night.

My response was that it was rubbish. If she wanted to take it with her bf she should have contacted me to ask and make some arrangement (she seemed a bit horrified at the idea that i wouldn't just give it to her). Also i feel two months is not to long to return to a hotel. We both work some weekends and couldn't go immediately. There was no expiry with the compensation. I also said that as any friend would want the other to have a good night, what friend would take away something from their friend? She knew i was chuffed with the suite as i said its not something i would ever pay for myself and was looking forward to the pampering. I told her that what she had done was take that away from me without even consulting me and she got very annoyed and said i was a selfish drama queen and i couldn't care less about anyone in my life and i wasn't the kind of person she needed in her life.

So at the end i said i will contact the hotel and let them know i didn't receive the free night that you took it with someone who had not originally stayed there and i will be expecting an apology soon.


I won't hold my breath

28064212

opinions needed wrote: »

Thanks everyone for the replies.

I thought i would post an update for anyone who is interested. In short she said that she wanted to use it up as she was afraid it was being left to long, the original night was about 2 months ago so i don't see how this is leaving it too long. Then she also said she'd gone through a really hard time with her bf and thought the night away would help a lot and she knew with me being such a good friend that i would want them to have their nice night.

My response was that it was rubbish. If she wanted to take it with her bf she should have contacted me to ask and make some arrangement (she seemed a bit horrified at the idea that i wouldn't just give it to her). Also i feel two months is not to long to return to a hotel. We both work some weekends and couldn't go immediately. There was no expiry with the compensation. I also said that as any friend would want the other to have a good night, what friend would take away something from their friend? She knew i was chuffed with the suite as i said its not something i would ever pay for myself and was looking forward to the pampering. I told her that what she had done was take that away from me without even consulting me and she got very annoyed and said i was a selfish drama queen and i couldn't care less about anyone in my life and i wasn't the kind of person she needed in her life.

So at the end i said i will contact the hotel and let them know i didn't receive the free night that you took it with someone who had not originally stayed there and i will be expecting an apology soon.


I won't hold my breath

Well done OP, at least you're taking a hard line with her, which is what she deserves. What a horribly selfish person she is. I see she's changing her story once again, now she's saying it was because she was worried the voucher would run out (even though there was almost certainly an expiry date printed on it). Everything she's done and said just shows that she knew exactly what she was doing to you, and hoped you wouldn't kick up a fuss.

Unfortunately, you're unlikely to get anywhere with the hotel because it was booked on her credit card, so the hotel would see her as the one who was awarded the voucher (unless both your names were on it). At this stage tbh, I'd be giving her a final ultimatum to make it up to you, and then I'd probably be looking at legal options (solicitor/small claims court). But I'm pretty vindictive, plus I wouldn't care in the slightest what she/others thought of me, so that may not be an option for you

LegacyUser

What a self centred selfish little cow she is! I would be willing to bet that she is the type of person who doesn't hesitate in riding roughshod over other people, and thinks its alright because "its the truth". Had a friend like that once, and i'm happy to say she's not in my life anymore.

In my case she insisted on going to Spain for a weekend away, but when we got there it wasn't what she had imagined, so she feigned a panic attack to get home. As soon as i had booked and payed for flights home she was fantastic(and i mean instant recovery), and even managed to go shopping in the Duty Free. I was disgusted but let it slide, just chalked it down to experience. However, when i asked for her to repay me the cost of her flight, she went ape, i shouldnt expect her to pay for her flight home, she was sick(but not sick enough to prevent her from drinking in the airport bar!) I later told her it was grossly unfair to expect me to cover the costs, in effect i was paying double for a weekend that i didn't get, and not only this but she had managed to get the cost of the hotel rooms refunded to her credit card!

One massive argument later and i realised she wasn't going to back down, and it was either i take a stand or back down and let her continue to treat me like dirt. I may be out of pocket, but my life is far simpler, i don't have a mean hearted self centred poisonous b!tch ruling my life, and it feels great!

I hope you stick to your principles, your far too good for her, and you deserve friends in your life who enrich it, not take from it

Best of luck! XXX

thefeatheredcat

Well done to you OP for standing up for yourself!

opinions needed wrote: »

she got very annoyed and said i was a selfish drama queen and i couldn't care less about anyone in my life and i wasn't the kind of person she needed in her life.

I'm horrified she said this - what a put down! Take no heed to her words. I would suspect that had she gone to you in the first place and explained the situation, you would have happily given over your half of the voucher.

I think now that if you had been in trouble with your bf and you asked to use the voucher, she would have said no with a few extra words and been unreasonable to deal with and throwing in a few put downs.

That girl needs to take a long hard look in the mirror with being a selfish drama queen cos that's herself she's actually talking about!