friends...

Pebbles!

so, do you think guys and girls can really just be very good friends??

teaholic

Definatly!! I have 2 male frinds I tell everything to, and ask for their advice on lots of aspects of my life. They really help to get a different point of view from girls. And they are easier to get on with!!

The_Morrigan

Pebbles! wrote: »

so, do you think guys and girls can really just be very good friends??

I'm about to test that theory tonight....I'll let you know how I get on.

Previously I've been better friends with blokes over the years, but it may have been my upbringing as I worked on the stage crew with all the boys as I grew up - so while all the girls were faffing about costumes and makeup and wigs, I was constructing sets and getting down and dirty with the boys!!

Novella

Yup, for sure. My best friend is a guy, and he's really like a brother to me. I'd never consider anything more than friendship with him and I know that he feels the same. It's all good.

Legen_Dary

The_Morrigan wrote: »

I'm about to test that theory tonight....I'll let you know how I get on.

Ooh how are you planning to test it?

jokettle

I think so; I have one male friend who I'd consider one of my best friends and there's never been anything else between us. I know some people (in my experience, usually men) who think something like that is impossible, but I just can't believe that men aren't capable of pure friendship with women.

I heard once that people who think they could never be friends with someone of the opposite sex are just egotistical. I'm not sure I agree with that, but it's a interesting perspective.

Links234

of course guys and girls can just be good friends.

The_Morrigan

Legen_Dary wrote: »

Ooh how are you planning to test it?

The ex is coming up to be "just friends"

Pebbles!

teaholic wrote: »

Definatly!! I have 2 male frinds I tell everything to, and ask for their advice on lots of aspects of my life. They really help to get a different point of view from girls. And they are easier to get on with!!

I would agree with you too, I'd be the same far more male friends than female.

Legen_Dary

The_Morrigan wrote: »

The ex is coming up to be "just friends"

I see... definitely let us know

The_Morrigan

Legen_Dary wrote: »

I see... definitely let us know

Will do

Pebbles!

The_Morrigan wrote: »

The ex is coming up to be "just friends"

Okay I think that can be a tricky one some times...I've seen it too many times with friends and also myself. I think you have to be split for a long time to be friends, you can't just go from being in love to being friends. One will still hold feelings for the other and end up getting hurt.

I know this is not always the case, every situation is different.

Asphyxia

Yep I have had many straight guy friends that I can trust completely and tell anything to. Even though one is living a couple of hours away and we don't see each other much when we do I feel completely open and safe to talk to him. He also gets along really well with my fella.

Misticles

yup they can be!
I have alot more male friends than girls.

Girls are very bitchy creatures IMO!

The_Morrigan

Pebbles! wrote: »

Okay I think that can be a tricky one some times...I've seen it too many times with friends and also myself. I think you have to be split for a long time to be friends, you can't just go from being in love to being friends. One will still hold feelings for the other and end up getting hurt.

I know this is not always the case, every situation is different.

There was no love...we ended up just kinda hanging out in my apt all the time and sleeping together...

Chinafoot

The_Morrigan wrote: »

The ex is coming up to be "just friends"

See to me this is different to the general question of "Can guys and girls be just friends?". I would have taken the OP as meaning can a platonic friendship between a man and a woman (or a woman & a woman/man & a man depending on orientation) exist or is the development of romantic/sexual feelings on either side an inevitability? An ex is a different kettle of fish, but an interesting scenario all the same.

As to the general question, yes I do believe so. I have many male friends that I am very close to and have never had any romantic/sexual feelings for them and honestly never would. Many of them are very attractive men, which I can fully appreciate, but I have never seen them in *that* way.

Novella

The_Morrigan wrote: »

The ex is coming up to be "just friends"

That's usually a tricky one. It's hard to just sit beside someone on the couch who you're used to cuddling with etc. It probably would've been a better idea to try being friends in public, 'cause hanging out alone tends to lead to ex sex. Unless there were hard feelings after the break up which would leave one party feeling bitter.

Pebbles!

Misticles wrote: »

Girls are very bitchy creatures IMO!

Oh that's so true! I find girls a lot harder to trust especially when it comes to fella's!

When was the last time someone asked this, 5 mins ago?

Yes I do think so of course

Faith

In my experience, no, not easily. Any close male friends I have, I've either had feelings for them at one stage or they've had for me. I can think of maybe one guy that I've been good friends with that has definitely 100% been platonic. On the other hand, if you're not particularly close, then platonic friendships are easily. But I find the more time you spend with someone, the more likely feelings are to develop.

Toto Wolfcastle

Course they can be. I am, and have been in the past, friends with lots of men. No romantic feelings involved.

rainbow kirby

The vast majority of my friends are male. It's perfectly possible for them to be just good friends.

Scarinae

Very much so. Several of my closest friends are guys, I don't think I could only have female friends. I think it's way healthier to have a mix, I would only send my kids to a single-sex school if I had no other choice

The Agogo

I'd agree with a certain amount of resistance this can be true.

If some of my female friends at any stage came in naked to me, I probably wouldn't give it a second though tbh. Friendship out the window...

But that's just me.

seenitall

Yes.

I have always found the benefit of having a male friend as as opposed to a female one, was that with a guy there may (and may not, according to the dynamics of the individual friendship) sometimes be that added dimension of attraction, a bit of light-hearted flirting or what-not... it may not lead anywhere deeper and it can stay like that for a long, long time, and that's fine, and it's also fun! (Indeed, I have two male friends where attraction is mutual, and another one where it is on his side only - it's all good )

However, I do find that on the whole, my closest friends tend to be female, I think just because girls tend to feel alike concerning any given subject involving subjectivity of emotions, and friendships are most of all emotional relationships in my case.

Am I making any sense?

ToniTuddle

Misticles wrote: »

yup they can be!
I have alot more male friends than girls.

Girls are very bitchy creatures IMO!

Same as that missy! Which is a pity at times, I'd have wanted more people to swap clothes with for heading out on Saturday nights! :pac:


As long as there is NO romantic feelings of any kind on both parts then yes men and women can easily be mates.

The Agogo

ToniTuddle wrote: »

As long as there is NO romantic feelings of any kind on both parts then yes men and women can easily be mates.

Therein lies the problem though, right?

Chinafoot

The Agogo wrote: »

I'd agree with a certain amount of resistance this can be true.

If some of my female friends at any stage came in naked to me, I probably wouldn't give it a second though tbh. Friendship out the window...

But that's just me.

See to me thats not a genuine platonic friendship. You are sexually attracted to these girls and would happily shag them if they offered it up. If my closest male friend came in naked to me at any stage I'd be horrified because there is no sexual attraction there for me at all. It wouldn't ever be an option.

Larianne

I dunno. Lately any guy I become friends with wants more than friendship, unless they're gay!

Nervous Wreck

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zFWGOKuFyjk

This is true an unfortunate percentage of the time. For me, at least 70% of my friends are female and they're all just good friends, which is the way I like it. I get along better with the opposite sex for some reason...

Mackman

Faith wrote: »

But I find the more time you spend with someone, the more likely feelings are to develop.

+1, one of my best friends is a woman. we met in college and have been best friends since. Although we live far away from eachother since college, we still IM and phone etc.
Of course i had feeling for her at one stage, but she had a boyfriend, and she had feelings for me. But we never acted on them. I think because of the distance, and the fact that we work better as friends than as a couple, she's not my type of GF, but my type of friend. If that makes sense. In fact i dont know if any of this post makes sense

Wibbs

Chinafoot wrote: »

See to me thats not a genuine platonic friendship. You are sexually attracted to these girls and would happily shag them if they offered it up. If my closest male friend came in naked to me at any stage I'd be horrified because there is no sexual attraction there for me at all. It wouldn't ever be an option.

That's a general difference between the genders though. Male sexual attraction can be triggered simply by having a naked woman up for it in front of them. It's often driven in an opposite way to women. Its one reason the search for a pill for lack of libido in women is a difficult one. Viagra and the like have the same physical effect in women as men, but different outcomes. Broadly speaking its seems for men its more "I'm aroused" = attraction, with women its more "I'm attracted" = arousal. So I can see The Agogo's point.

I have platonic women mates. Some we've had a bit of hanky panky in the past, but we're better off as mates. Most we've not and never would. With a couple of the latter I can objectively see them as good looking women, but for whatever reason I don't feel that way subjectively about them. Maybe down to pheromones like in that other thread

With major exes or women I do find attractive, then no way could I be mates.

RacoonQueen

Larianne wrote: »

I dunno. Lately any guy I become friends with wants more than friendship, unless they're gay!

Ugh thats happened to me. People who I thought wanted the same thing as me, just friendship, turned out they wanted more than I did. It's happened 4 times in the last couple of years and it killed me to hurt them the way I did. It also killed me that I couldn't feel the same way about them as they did about me 'cos all of them are incredible guys and would make incredible boyfriends. Ended up going on 'dates' with two of them when I thought we were just hanging out...luckily I'm still friends with all four of them and could tell two of them absolutely anything.

I've two female 'friends', and even then we rarely see each other or make contact. I'd be pretty lonely if I didn't have the guys.

Ruby-J

The_Morrigan wrote: »

The ex is coming up to be "just friends"

Totally in the same boat. Me and my ex split over a year ago now...we grew apart after 5 years I guess and we are the best of friends now. Purely platonic now. We have been on our own on occasion and nothing....as in no moves were ever made on either part, we are really so much better as friends as we have always had the frienship through the relationship.

So I agree that ex's can be friends once both parties are completely out of love with each other and over each other so to speak.

Pebbles!

Wibbs wrote: »

Broadly speaking its seems for men its more "I'm aroused" = attraction, with women its more "I'm attracted" = arousal.

I would totally agree with this. If the girl in the friendship said she had feelings for him, it's going to make the man think of her in a different light.

Pebbles!

okay slightly different scenario..if your boyfriend/Girlfriend had a good friend that you knew they thought were very attractive...what would you think?

Pebbles!

Pebbles! wrote: »

okay slightly different scenario..if your boyfriend/Girlfriend had a good friend that you knew they thought were very attractive...what would you think?

Is this the real question you've been working up to?

Pebbles!

Nope, i'm single! I'm just curious!

Black Swan

Pebbles! wrote: »

so, do you think guys and girls can really just be very good friends??

So long as you can keep a bit of personal space about you. Got my first male roommate starting a week ago, and we live in very close quarters. We are friendly so far, but there are times you have to draw the line between you, and sometimes it's a line in the sand that keeps moving...

The_Morrigan

Blue_Lagoon wrote: »

So long as you can keep a bit of personal space about you. Got my first male roommate starting last weekend, and we live in very close quarters. We are friendly so far, but there are times you have to draw the line between you, and sometimes it's a line in the sand that keeps moving...

OMG I know what you mean - I've been advertising my spare room for a while and all the guys that have emailed me have ended up flirting with me and then kinda going, "so here if I don't get the room, can we go for a drink or something"

Its kinda bizarre

How Soon Is Now

To be honest i think depends on the situation weather or not the fella and girl have done anything together or were actually a couple first.

An example girl i went out with i have been very close to i feel we are really good mates. But things got bit more full on in end long story short all i can be with her now is mates but be honest it does not feel the same.

So if u actually have feelings for someone and you know that all u have is just being there friend the spark is gone for me anyway and i find it hard to see them in same way as u did before.

starlit

In my opinion, no. Men and women are either friends or not. They can be friends if one of them is likely to be gay or bi. If both are heterosexual, different story, very rarely can both a man and a woman stay friends for very long without some kind of sexual sparks flying or flirty comarderie. Now obviously there are women who have male friends who are only like brothers to them thats a different story and that sort of thing does exist. In general though, a guy might want to start off being friends with a girl but often with the hidden agenda of wanting to get with that girl they think being friends with them first might lead them to wanting to be more than friends often leads to the 'friend-zone' which is not the place anyone wants to be. So they are friends...sexual tension gets in the way, mis-reading signals, things turn awkard when one realises one likes the other and things go pearshaped. Either they will not stay friends and ignore each other and only chat and greet each but not be as close as they were or take the plunge and go for it and become a couple and dive into a relationship.

sam34

yes, in my experience

seenitall

Pebbles! wrote: »

okay slightly different scenario..if your boyfriend/Girlfriend had a good friend that you knew they thought were very attractive...what would you think?

I find this a very interesting issue, too. I think that nowadays I could live with it, but when I was younger, no way, it would have sent me bananas as I used to be pretty insecure (luckily this particular scenario has never really cropped up yet). Jealousy is a bitch, I abhor it no end (moreso in myself than anyone else) and when in a relationship, I am sensitive to noting it in myself and then do my best to neuter it.

I think there is a delicate balance that has to be struck in these kind of situations, where you don't want to let your insecurities dictate your behaviour, but at the same time you don't want to be cowed into accepting any kind of indescreet or unacceptable behaviour in the name of keeping the peace (if that kind of behaviour is indeed taking place).

Delicate_Dlite

I have mainly male friends, and my main group is mixed. And of course there has been 'inter-group' dating. After break-ups, it's awkward for a while, but I'm still in the same group with my ex, as are some of the others.

And as for fancying them, I know of ppl who had crushes on their friends, after a while they get over it. No big deal really.

Delicate_Dlite

Pebbles! wrote: »

okay slightly different scenario..if your boyfriend/Girlfriend had a good friend that you knew they thought were very attractive...what would you think?

I've lived it, :rolleyes:. He'd hit on her and lucked out. They stayed really great friends as well, but that was my issue. And it is really is down to if you have insecurities, which in fairness may cause problems anyway.

Also in a relationship, you can find other ppl attractive, it's human nature not a betrayal.

margarite

Delicate_Dlite wrote: »

I've lived it, :rolleyes:. He'd hit on her and lucked out. They stayed really great friends as well, but that was my issue. And it is really is down to if you have insecurities, which in fairness may cause problems anyway.

Also in a relationship, you can find other ppl attractive, it's human nature not a betrayal.

Yes it is a betrayal but with friends like that who needs enemies, I have a friend who is going through a lot lately and all I can do is be there for her, its hard as I would love to tear strips of the person who hurt her but can t any suggestions as to how I can help her.

Delicate_Dlite

margarite wrote: »

Yes it is a betrayal but with friends like that who needs enemies, I have a friend who is going through a lot lately and all I can do is be there for her, its hard as I would love to tear strips of the person who hurt her but can t any suggestions as to how I can help her.

He hit on her before we went out, but stayed best friends with her. So I don't see it as a betrayal. It wasn't her fault he fancied her at one point, so how is she a bad friend.

I'm sorry to hear about your friend. I know how hard it can be to feel useless when someone you love is hurt. Best advice is just be there and listen, help her get it all out. And reassure her it wasn't her fault he was a ass!

Under A Funeral Moon

As with a lot of people here, most of my friends are guys. In fact, all of my closest friends are guys. It's been that way for as long as I can remember.

margarite

Delicate_Dlite wrote: »

I've lived it, :rolleyes:. He'd hit on her and lucked out. They stayed really great friends as well, but that was my issue. And it is really is down to if you have insecurities, which in fairness may cause problems anyway.

Also in a relationship, you can find other ppl attractive, it's human nature not a betrayal.

how true men do not think above the waist, there are a few goods ones but they can get scared and do not know what they want, tku for kind words good luck

ppink

In my experience No!

I worked/studied with all guys and it was all great until they grew up and entered into long term relationships, then I was even told by some that their OH would not have it!
With most guys they also wanted more than just friends.