Don't know where I stand with OH

Redpunto

OP you need to get this resolved one way or the other. Take control and dump him, write him a letter if you dont want to see him but dont leave a 4 year relationship in limbo. Unless you think this relationship is worth saving you need to be the adult and finish things.

LegacyUser

okay so I got in touch.

Didn't know whether to call or email. I had an hour between jobs so I decided to visit him.

I was nervous as hell and very upset going in. Met his dad and was talking to him. He was asking me where I'd been, more evidence that the time apart was NOT the norm.

Well, turns out I found out the reason for his absence before even chatting to him. His mother is terminally ill. Know I know you're all probably thinking, "Oh, she only mentions this NOW" but his mother has been battling a terminal illness for the last 5 years. Not that it isn't important I just didn't relate it to this situation at all as its always been there.

She has gotten a lot worse and I THINK that is the reason for the absence.

I went to his room, knocked the door and when he opened it he was very happy to see me. The look of shame in his face was obvious and he immediately apologised. He hugged me and told me it was great to see me. He assured me that his storming off was not me but all him and the last thing he wanted to do was have me so worried. He just thought I was giving him the space he needed.

Now the plot thickens. I should be happy, right? I'm not the problem, I don't know what is, but its not me.

Wrong.

Whatever it is is big. It could be related to his mother. It could be something else. But whatever it is, he couldn't just say "I'm feeling crap. Don't want to talk about it, just need some space."

What he did was very immature but how do I make my point in light of the fact that his mother is coming very close to the end of her life?

Is this one of those battles I just don't choose? Or do I still speak my mind? I didn't get to speak my part yet as I was in a hurry for work and didn't want to rush it.

I feel I need to get my point across, but don't know if now is the right time.

Moomoo1

I agree with you - it's not acceptable to just disappear for five days in a relationship, with no explanation. Even if your mother is terminally ill.

He might want you to think that it's ok, but it really is not.

MonkeyBone

I'mconfused wrote: »

okay so I got in touch.

Didn't know whether to call or email. I had an hour between jobs so I decided to visit him.

I was nervous as hell and very upset going in. Met his dad and was talking to him. He was asking me where I'd been, more evidence that the time apart was NOT the norm.

Well, turns out I found out the reason for his absence before even chatting to him. His mother is terminally ill. Know I know you're all probably thinking, "Oh, she only mentions this NOW" but his mother has been battling a terminal illness for the last 5 years. Not that it isn't important I just didn't relate it to this situation at all as its always been there.

She has gotten a lot worse and I THINK that is the reason for the absence.

I went to his room, knocked the door and when he opened it he was very happy to see me. The look of shame in his face was obvious and he immediately apologised. He hugged me and told me it was great to see me. He assured me that his storming off was not me but all him and the last thing he wanted to do was have me so worried. He just thought I was giving him the space he needed.

Now the plot thickens. I should be happy, right? I'm not the problem, I don't know what is, but its not me.

Wrong.

Whatever it is is big. It could be related to his mother. It could be something else. But whatever it is, he couldn't just say "I'm feeling crap. Don't want to talk about it, just need some space."

What he did was very immature but how do I make my point in light of the fact that his mother is coming very close to the end of her life?

Is this one of those battles I just don't choose? Or do I still speak my mind? I didn't get to speak my part yet as I was in a hurry for work and didn't want to rush it.

I feel I need to get my point across, but don't know if now is the right time.

Hi Op,

I have experienced watching a parent pass away from a terminal illness and it is a very hard thing to deal with. Your bf probably doesn't know how to take it all in and has his own fears about his mum and family. I understand your annoyance but try to understand it from his point of view. This doesn't mean that he loves you any less but he is trying to deal with it in the best way he can. My advice is to give him the space he needs but let him know you are there for him too. I know this advice would be hard for anyone given the context and what happened but right now it may be more important to allow him to grieve/gain acceptance/open up, but he needs to do that on his own terms knowing that he has people around him that care.

(I am speaking from my own experience so please do not take offence to anything I advise)

I hope it all works out.

TitoPuente

• Don't know where you stand emotionally
• He's not emotional (a 'logical thinker')
• Doesn't tell you an awful lot about his life
• Disappears for days on end

There's a pattern forming here. It really hit me when he started giving you the silent treatment just as you mentioned that the woman in the store was 'a little crazy' and, as it turns out, his own mother is terminally ill.

What kind of relationship did he and his mother have? Or do you know at all? Sorry... doing my amateur psychology bit here but everything you've said so far suggests that there might be something much deeper at play here.

LegacyUser

I'mconfused wrote: »

okay so I got in touch.

I went to his room, knocked the door and when he opened it he was very happy to see me. The look of shame in his face was obvious and he immediately apologised. He hugged me and told me it was great to see me. He assured me that his storming off was not me but all him and the last thing he wanted to do was have me so worried. He just thought I was giving him the space he needed.


What he did was very immature but how do I make my point in light of the fact that his mother is coming very close to the end of her life?

I feel I need to get my point across, but don't know if now is the right time.

You did the right thing by going to see him. Leaving a four year relationship in limbo would've caused you a lot of heart ache.

It is immature of him to not talk to you about stuff that's worrying him, especially something as big as his mother getting worse. It's not fair that you're being shut out, but unfortunately that's the way your boyfriend is. I don't think he does this to intentionally hurt you.

You can't give out to him now for the way he's behaving, he's having a hard time at the moment and he won't be able to take it in. What I suggest you do is let him know that you're there for him if he needs to talk. In the meantime, you carry on with your life, with or without him. He really can't expect you to hang around if he keeps pushing you away, but if you let him know that you're just a phone call away, he'll have to make the effort to stay in contact.

It's a difficult situation for the both of you, but you have to look out for yourself. You can't constantly go chasing after him when he shuts you out. It's about time he opened up.

LegacyUser

Why are my posts taking days to appear?

The Recliner

I'mconfused wrote: »

Why are my posts taking days to appear?

Your posts shouldn't be taking days to appear but we do have to approve Unregistered posts manually

As we aren't around 24/7 it may take some time before your posts appear

LegacyUser

Sorry, don't mean to sound snappy.

I had posted a reply to TitoPuente by saying that my OH's relationship with his mother is great. They are very close and he is definitely her favourite.

Having said that, he tells her pretty much nothing too.

Just anxious to have them appear asap as TitoPuente will have probably stopped checking this thread by now so I can't get the full benefit of his/her advice.

Stu

OP, if he was so happy to see you, why couldn't he give your a quick phonecall to say that he was with his mother as she is feeling unwell.

Sorry, but hes just happy that you backed down and went to see him, a little boost to his ego. What an absolute tool he is.

Seriously, sit him down and lay it on the line. Don't take anymore BS from him with his moods and disappearing for days.

Its emotional abusive and you can't let him away with it again.