Don't know where I stand with OH

LegacyUser

Is this normal in other relationships?

I never seem to really know where I stand with my OH. I have posted various anonymous threads in the past relating to issues in our relationship and I'm starting to recognise a trend. And I don't like it if I'm frank.

It all seems to revolve around communication.

The usual, such as he is a logical thinker, me, I'm more emotional in my thoughts, I know, not always a good thing, but I'm a woman, most of us are just like that.

I've also got issues with the fact that he doesn't tell me an awful lot about his life, for example the everyday but not-so-everyday at the same time kind of things that I would always tell him, eg: Never guess what I was driving to work today when a horse ran out in from of my car, I had to swerve to avoid him.

Now I haven't yet come to understand why he doesn't tell me these things, but I've given up getting bothered about it. The way I see it is that although I don't understand it, I accept it. After all, how important is a horse is the grand scheme of things if you know what I mean.

Conversely, he hates the way I tell him everything, but he puts up with it. Nice little understanding we both have.

Except this.

On Thursday evening we went on a little drive. Everything had been fine between us that day and had been for quite a while. We stopped off on way home in a supermarket to buy some food I was going to cook. Somewhere in the queue for paying for the food, something must have happened, because as we were leaving the store I said something to him about the lady on the till being a little crazy and he just grunted at me.

I didn't really take much notice of it at all until we got to the car, loaded up the shopping and I said to him, "Oh, XY and Z for dinner, this will be lovely" when all I got as a response was "Yeah". This would not be typical of my OH.

He didn't speak to me once on the way home (20min drive). I tried to make conversation 3 times with him, he gave me just the basic answers.

Obviously I asked what was wrong, he said "nothing"

We got home and I asked him again, because, clearly something was wrong. He said it wasn't.

I suffer from paranoia (not medically diagnosed with it or anything, I just know I'm a bit paranoid) and although I work really hard to keep it under control it's still there, so I wasn't really sure if there was something wrong or I was just blowing it out of proportion in my mind. To be honest, I think he uses this as a tool against me to shut me up because he said to me "Why do you do this? Why do you keep asking me if everything is ok? I'm fine, it's all in your head"

Convinced that it must have been in my head, even though it didn't feel like it was at all I decided to stop asking. We got home, I turned the oven on and started to make the food. He turned around and said, with a tone that made it sound like it was such an effort to speak "You know what, I'm not even hungry anymore".

I said nothing. I turned oven off and sat downstairs for an hour watching TV as he was upstairs on my computer. I was pi55ed off at this stage because I knew something was up but he just wouldn't say.

Decided to give him some space until I remembered I needed to do something on the internet.

I went upstairs and asked him could I use the computer. (No because I need to, just out of politeness) He got up without saying anything. I was trying to pay for graduation robes, the deadline had been that day and it wouldn't let me process the payment. I let out a little whiny "oh no" and he says "Oh, whats your big drama this time?"

I was really annoyed at this point and told him to shut up. It was clear at this point that I was not being paranoid. I said as much to him and pointed out to him that it was also obvious on top of that that his anger was for some reason directed at me.

I asked him did I look funny at him in the queue in the supermarket or something? He got really angry, told me he felt sorry for me. He then left, saying in a very calm, I-don't-want-to-argue-with-you voice "Look, I'm going to go. I'll see you tomorrow."

I didn't want him to go, but out of self respect I didn't ask him to stay. So I said, "Okay, see you tomorrow."

That was Thursday. I haven't heard from him since.

To put that last line in perspective, it is very normal for us to see each other every day as we live in the same locality.

I haven't been in touch because frankly, I'm annoyed that he won't speak to me. There is clearly something huge going on and he just pushes me away.

For those who would be curious, we are in our late 20's and have been together for 4 years.

Is this kind of thing normal amongst couples?

Today I saw a mutual friend who, when he sees me always asks "How's John*" Today he never once mentioned his name and was talking to me in a very sympathetic tone. Now this could be the paranoia speaking, but I was kind of thinking, has he feckin broken up with me and not even bothered to tell me.


As an aside, this behaviour is not exactly out of character for him but is very very rare. This situation happened once in the last 4 years, but that time we had had a huge row so at least I suppose I sort of knew why he was behaving that way.

Basically, I don't know whether I'm justified in being so pi55ed off about this. I mean how much personal space can one have without being selfish towards their partner. My problem is not that he has spent a whole 3 days without me, it's that its not common for us and he's not giving me a reason for it.

Do I sound like I'm being unreasonable? Because I know he's going to tell me I am

Distorted

I might be totally out of place with this, and is so, please ignore it. But as a female, who has just spent a weekend with a lovely but overly talkative female friend, theres only so much non-stop talk to fill in the spaces that you can take. Ditto hearing about people you have never met, shops you have never been to, what they did on their holiday when they were 5, people they knew at school, etc, etc ad infinitum. Over time it does tend to drive you slowly insane. Is it possible you talk too much, and he really does want some peace occasionally? I couldn't read all your post, because its too long, and I just can't take in all that minutae of detail. Perhaps only tell him stuff if its interesting to him, and then he might be happier to listen?

LegacyUser

Distorted wrote: »

I might be totally out of place with this, and is so, please ignore it. But as a female, who has just spent a weekend with a lovely but overly talkative female friend, theres only so much non-stop talk to fill in the spaces that you can take. Ditto hearing about people you have never met, shops you have never been to, what they did on their holiday when they were 5, people they knew at school, etc, etc ad infinitum. Over time it does tend to drive you slowly insane. Is it possible you talk too much, and he really does want some peace occasionally? I couldn't read all your post, because its too long, and I just can't take in all that minutae of detail. Perhaps only tell him stuff if its interesting to him, and then he might be happier to listen?

First off - this is not a dig at you for not reading the whole post - I know its not exactly fun reading about other peoples problems at the best of time.

Secondly, i do actually agree with you, but as I said later in my post - I've come to accept that I talk too much and tell him crap he doesn't want to listen to. i don't do it anymore, and to be honest, 6 months on its still not natural to me but I do it anyway.

It bothers me that he doesn't tell me everything too but I've also accepted it, except for this weeks issue. Its clearly very serious and clearly is about me, but rather than man up and say it, he disappears off the face of the planet for 3 days, which as I said, may seem like nothing to some, but its very normal for us to spend every day together

As it happens, I've always thought we should have a bit of time to ourselves, but not under these odd circumstances

Thanks for your advice though, it is helpful.

greengiant09

i'd have to agree with the above post....the exact same thing struck me when i read your post. could be wrong but maybe your very talkative. as a guy, that would definitely get on my nerves after a while. i couldn't read all your post because you seemed to ramble on a bit about insignificant things which had little to do with your overall query. maybe i'm wrong but if you do talk to him like you do in your post, then i'd say thats the reason he 'zones' out.

LegacyUser

Maybe I wasn't very clear in my first post - sorry about that, I'll have to go back over it.

But I don't think I mentioned that my problem is that he zones out when I talk.

My problem is that somehow, on Thursday night, his mood changed over a period of 30mins (while we were in a supermarket) after asking him what was wrong I was told that nothing was wrong yet he's since disappeared and I haven't seen him since Thursday.

I also agree with first poster in that yeah, I talk to him too much about insignificant things. I don't understand why this is not okay, but I have accepted it.

I don't understand why he doesn't tell me these insignificant things about his life but I also accept it.

However, he stormed off 3 nights ago when apparently 'nothing was wrong' yet, as I've said before its not like thats normal.

Naturally, according to my opinion I feel that this is not right, and the normal thing to do would not be to disappear for 3 nights without so much as a call or text, but I'm asking here what others think because, as you pointed out yourselves, I kind of lose the run of my thoughts.

I don't want to be taking the high road here if I don't have any reason to, but I don't want to be disrespecting myself by allowing someone to walk all over me with this, I'll come and go as I please attitude.

Thanks

LegacyUser

maybe Thursday was just the straw that broke the camels back?

LegacyUser

I kind of feel like its being made out in this thread that I am some kind of a 'nag'.

I don't expect people to understand the full story here as I can't and won't go into in in full detail.

Like I know men don't exactly go in for the whole 'tell me about your day' crap but is it seriously THAT UNREASONABLE to expect that if something is bothering him that I want to know about it? Is it seriously normal behaviour to storm out of your OH's house and go off the radar for 3 days because she asked you what was wrong.

I admit that after he said that nothing was wrong, I asked him about another 5 times. But thats only because there clearly was something wrong. If he didn't want to tell me thats fine, just say. He has done that before and nothing more has been said about it.

My personal opinion on the whole thing is that if you don't want people asking you what is wrong, then act normal. He was snappy, quiet, grumpy, ie: not his usual self and I'm the bad guy because I got worried I had inadvertently done something wrong because it was all directed at me.

The stuff about me wanting to tell him things etc... is probably not even relevant to this story and I shouldn't have put it in, because it seems that everyone has the impression that he went off at me in the supermarket because I was yapping. I was doing the shopping alone while he hung out in the magazine aisle and then he met me in the queue. We hadn't spoken 2 words in the queue.

IrishEyes19

OP, don't mean to sound harsh, but this doesn't look good. From what you said, he seems like a guy who has had enough of the relationship and that argument made his mind up tbh!! I would guess that he has been deliberating this for a while and thursday gave him the oppertunity to walk out for a few days and perhaps end it.
Best of luck and I hope I'm wrong.

Fittle

I have to say that while I understand that he might not be interested in every single thing you say, most couples, after a four year relationship, but discuss the smaller details of their day. Sure what else would they talk about? I think you're over analyising yourself OP, and calling yourself paranoid. I'd call it insecurity rather than paranoia if I'm honest.

Your bf likes to have control over you - by knowing how much cooking the meal means to you, and by deciding he actually 'isn't hungry' after all, that's his way of making you feel bad/insecure. On some level, he gets off on that - perhaps he's just gotten used to the relationship being like that - you feel paranoid, he makes you feel more paranoid to the point where he walks out. It's a good excuse for him to leave, tbh. And on another level, you get off on him treating you like this too. All subconsciounsly of course.
So while I'm not blaming him 100% for this, he does have to take responsibility for his actions in the relationship - as do you.

Look, it's been 4yrs. You really shouldn't be so insecure in a relationship after four years to be questioning your every word. Questioning whether he thinks you talk to much, questioning every move you make etc.
This isn't a healthy relationship for you OP. I think you should spend some time alone to get your self esteem back, before you move into another relationship.
Just my opinion.

TitoPuente

You sound like you're in a textbook emotionally abusive relationship. I'd get out ASAP if I were you.

Kimia

Oh ffs, OP take no notice of the above posters telling you it's your fault for talking too much. Ridiculous nonsense. Your bf just acted like a child because he was annoyed over something but didn't have the balls to actually sit you down like an adult and discuss it with you. It's called Passive Agression and basically he wants you to draaaaaaag it out of him so that he's always right and it's always your 'fault'.

My bf used to be slightly like that - oh the moods could go on for hours, ignoring me, saying he's FINE when I ask him what's up. In the end we had a humongous blow out over it because I just got so sick of being in the dog house whenever he decided something was pissing him off.

So I told him that if he wanted to act like a 2 year old sulking in the corner instead of addressing whatever issue was bothering him (if I had done something wrong I would have of course apologised or whatever) but if he continued to sulk and ignore me (giving me the silent punishment treatement) I would just ignore him back and treat his childishness with the contempt that it deserved.

Well I have to say we communicate way better now. I too am an emotional person and I think he was half afraid to say things to me for fear of me getting upset but once I agreed to try to be calmer if he agreed to talk to me about what was bothering him we kinda worked it out.

I get REALLY annoyed when other people say that it's all in your head and that there's nothing wrong, or it's because you're talking too much. That's absolute BS, you are not responsible for his little sulks. Who cares if you're talkative? I doubt very much that's whats bothering him - and if it is do you really want to be with someone who puts such importance on the fact that you like to talk?

Don't listen to people who say that you're paranoid, trust your own instincts and if it's the same way my bf used to sulk you'd have to be blind not to notice that he's in a huff about something. It doesn't sound like you're being paranoid, so don't blame yourself for his actions. Try to talk to him about this and see how you get on. Best of luck.

LegacyUser

I'mconfused wrote: »

Do I sound like I'm being unreasonable?

You're not being unreasonable wanting to know what's going on with your boyfriend. But why the constant questions asking him is he alright? Give him a bit of space. Just because he answers back with a grunt, doesn't mean that he's planning the mother of all break ups. Maybe he had a thumping headache at the time, and couldn't wait to get out of the queue. You're over analysing everything, questioning everything and you need constant reassurance that everything is fine. That would test the patience of a saint!

Maybe the two of you should take a break from each other. Figure out why you constantly need reassurance. It's not up to anyone else to make sure that you're happy, that's your responsibility

IrishEyes19

sunflower27 wrote: »

I 100% agree with Kimia on this OP.

Seriously, your bf sounds like an immature child. It's normal to ask someone what is wrong if they are being out of character/quiet etc. But his reaction and response to you is plain rude. All he had to say was 'ah, I'mjust in a foul mood, I'll get over it - it's nothing to do with you.'

I cannot stand this passive aggressive attitude. He knew he was upsetting you and yet didnt give a damn.

As much as it hurts I'd let him be. Let him sulk till his heart's content. Dont pander to him, keep busy.

If he has decided to end the relationship, then there isnt anything you can do.

And to the previous poster - if he had a thumping headache, why not just bl00dy say that.

I absolutely hate being 'snapped' at or grunted at. I would never treat anyone like that and if I did, a sharpish apology would follow. There's no need to bring everyone down with you.

Sunflower, in fairness to the other posters though, they are right about the over talking thing in some context, maybe not in the context that she has the right to her opinion but going on and on about something is pretty annoying if someone says they are fine. the OP stated she asked on more than 5 occasions what was wrong and he told her nothing, she also stated she has a habit of keep asking questions even though he has stated otherwise that he is fine. Most guys hate interogation and when they say it's fine, thats that.

Now I do agree that him cancelling the dinner was pretty lousy and I would have told him to go home pretty much straight after that. However, if they have been together for a number of years, clearly there is more going on than exactly what the OP has posted. No guy after 4 years just leaves after something like that. It's bizarre. I'm not blaming the OP here at all and I hate to see any girl suffering from break ups or relationships turning sour, but I don't think telling her that constantly bringing up something and not stopping from going on and on about it, isnt her fault. thats just sugar coating a potential issue here. The OP actually said in her post, she suffers from Paranoia of worrying about things and is trying to control it. Most of us know what is like to go out with someone who constantly second guesses what you do, or worries somethings wrong, or asks questions that are riddiculous because they are looking and reading into something too much. Its highly fustrating, Dont think its fair to call this guy an immature child when frankly that sort of behaviour would drive most calm people up the wall.

LegacyUser

sunflower27 wrote: »

It's normal to ask someone what is wrong if they are being out of character/quiet etc.

Of course it's normal to ask if something's wrong, and of course you would expect a reasonable reply. I wouldn't put up with anyone grunting at me!
But it sounds like the OP is constantly asking him what's wrong. It would p*ss me off no end if someone asked me was I alright, I said yeah I'm fine, and they kept asking me 'Are you sure you're alright?'. In my mind, they don't actually care if I'm alright, they're just looking for reassurance that they've done nothing wrong!
Sounds like everything has been blown out of proportion. Everything went from being fine, then all of sudden the OP noticed a change in atmosphere, and that's when everything started to fall apart. Maybe, just maybe, the OP perceived a change in atmosphere that wasn't actually there?

And another thing, if someone grunts at you in reply, give them the benefit of the doubt. They might be just having a bad day. If you're being grunted at on a daily basis, tell 'em to get lost!

Moomoo1

IrishEyes19 wrote: »

Sunflower, in fairness to the other posters though, they are right about the over talking thing in some context, maybe not in the context that she has the right to her opinion but going on and on about something is pretty annoying if someone says they are fine. the OP stated she asked on more than 5 occasions what was wrong and he told her nothing, she also stated she has a habit of keep asking questions even though he has stated otherwise that he is fine. Most guys hate interogation and when they say it's fine, thats that.

if someone refuses to talk for hours and and hours then they are clearly not 'fine', no matter what they say.

IrishEyes19 wrote: »

but I don't think telling her that constantly bringing up something and not stopping from going on and on about it, isnt her fault. thats just sugar coating a potential issue here.

come on, that's just wrong. What was she supposed to do?

liah

I think the point the other posters are trying to make is that while yeah, some if it may be caused by her and that she may not be blameless (in fairness, we can't know that), it still doesn't give him the right to act like a child about it.

If she was bothering him in any way, shape, or form, he should have discussed it with her and outlined the problem he was having instead of storming out and not speaking to her for days. What is that going to solve?

That said, it does seem like he's made up his mind-- but honestly? If he has decided to break up, it's probably for the best. Do you really see a future with someone who's going to act like a child every time something isn't perfect? Do you really want to spend the rest of your life with someone who is going to make you feel so guilty for just caring?

You both have a lot of thinking to do. You seem to at least recognize your issues and have made an effort to resolve them, even if sometimes you mess up. Relationships are a two-way street-- what has he done to attempt to resolve your issues?

IrishEyes19

Moomoo1 wrote: »

if someone refuses to talk for hours and and hours then they are clearly not 'fine', no matter what they say.



come on, that's just wrong.

Moomoo, I'm not speaking against the OP here, but I dont think her boyfriend would have stayed for hours and refused to talk.

And as for your second comment; I think telling the OP that she did everything perfectly right is just insulting to her face. I totally agree he was out of order to be so rude and cancel dinner and give her the silence treatment especially with the computer issue. But maybe she is driving him mental with all the 20 questions. If I were her, Id text him now and ask him to meet up and chat and ask him why he's been acting off with her and if he acts the same way, then she can walk away at least knowing she did all she can. He could seriously have a good reason here and yet we're sitting here judging that he's being unfair when maybe he isn't. I'm just throwing that out there. I've been burnt by guys in situations too, so I'm not throwing knives here, just offering my opinion.

what should she do, maybe instead of once again asking what's wrong with him, why's he's acting down? Tell him to go home and come back when he feels like talking, He'd have more respect for a girl who is confident enough to say enough crap, when you want to be respectful, Im here, than someone who keeps asking and asking, because if he doesnt answer now...he never will after 4 years.

Princess Peach

I was going out with a guy for a year and we had basically the same problem intermitently. Every few months he would get in a weird humour and just stop talking to me for a few days, never really telling me why. In our whole relationship he was never one to talk about himself. I would ask him how his day was and he would just answer some random nonsense thing. And he never really told me stuff about his life, like if he was going away with friends for a weekend I wouldnt hear until I asked him on a Friday what he was doing that weekend.

I think its maybe just a guy thing, they dont like to talk about their feelings or something. When my boyfriend got in these weird moods I would always ask him what was wrong and he would just say "in a weird mood, don't want to talk" and then not text me for days. Its a horrible feeling cause I never knew if I was the problem, why he needed these breaks from me. In the end he just broke up with me out of the blue. I still don't know if it was something going on with him or something I did. I often used to stay quite about how he made me feel during these times. We broke up a few times and got back together because of his moods and we never once talked about it.

My advice is to tell your boyfriend face to face how it makes you feel. Don't make out that he is the problem, just let him know what you need to feel better during these situations. Like if he had maybe just told you he was in a bad mood and needed some time alone rather than just shutting you out. But try and make the conversation more about your feelings rather than his actions, so it doesnt come across like your accusing him of hurting you on purpose if you get me, cause that won't help the situation. Hope this makes sense!

LegacyUser

Thanks Kimia, you seem to understand the situation a bit better.

Again, the thing about me talking a lot is a resolved issue between us and has been for the last 6 months or so.

I don't talk to him about the day to day things in my life, though I wish I could. But we both agreed that we should talk about the important things.

He clearly thinks otherwise if he just walks away after being asked.

Okay I asked 5 times, but as I said before, if he didn't want to talk about it why be so obviously in a fouler?

We were not rowing before this. Now even in the week before this. Everything was extremely rosey in the garden.

He still hasn't resurfaced.

I'm getting less angry and more disappointed as the days go by to be honest. I'm not going to contact him contrary to some posters advice as I feel that it has gone too far for that now.

If he's looking for an easy way out of this relationship I'd be doing myself an injustice going after him.

If it is a control thing I really need to show him what I'm made of and wait it out until he comes back to me.

The most puzzling of all is that (and I know a lot of readers probably don't believe this) this happened completely out of the blue!

I sort of feel in limbo now as I'm not entirely sure whether I'm single or not.

One this is for sure, he has really left me feeling like he doesn't give a damn about me if he can walk out of my life for an unpronounced amount of time with an unpronounced reason that is not at all obvious.

Also, I don't like the way the (presumably) men on here think that because I'm talkative and he's not that I should shut up (ie: change my ways to fit his). Would it be too much to expect him to adapt his ways to fit mine (ie: listen)??

LegacyUser

Also, I'm conscious that the next accusation to fly my way is that I'm a feminist.

I'm not anti-men or anti-women, I'm anti-idiots who mess people around because of their own underlying issues that they haven't the decency to admit/sort out.

thanks

LegacyUser

I posted 2 replies to this thread earlier today, they must have gotten lost.

Was just thanking Kimia - she seems to understand the situation I'm in alright.

The point I was making re: me talking too much is a RESOLVED issue between me and the OH, has been for the last 6 months.

I don't tell him the ins and outs of my day. I resent that a bit though. I kind of feel why should it be me that adapts my behaviour to suit his. The men answering on here seem to think I'm the straw that broke the camels back because they appear to believe that I didn't do this.

Why can't he adapt to suit me? Or better yet, meet me half way?

There has still been no contact.

I'm not sure whether I'm single or attached, but one thing that is clear is that he clearly thinks nothing of me or the relationship if he can just bail without a word for what is now 5 days.

I knew he had is flaws, but I never expected him to do this. Its weak and low.

Moomoo1

he isn't good enough for you OP. There are a lot of men out there who would gladly listen to every word you say and with whom you would not have to walk on eggshells all the time...

Princess Peach

I'mconfused wrote: »

I'm not going to contact him contrary to some posters advice as I feel that it has gone too far for that now.

If he's looking for an easy way out of this relationship I'd be doing myself an injustice going after him.


I sort of feel in limbo now as I'm not entirely sure whether I'm single or not.

QUOTE]

Your original problem is that you don't know where you stand with your boyfriend, yet you are refusing to talk to him to find out. I think you should give him a call or drop by, for you own piece of mind. The times when my boyfriend refused to talk to me, I would cry non stop until he decided he was better or whatever. In the end I had to call him or I was going to lose the plot. If you think this is his way out of the relationship, what if he never calls and you never know what happened? I know its a pride issue, but do you think this will help you? Think about your needs first, cause he obviously is only thinking of himself

Maguined

I'mconfused wrote: »

I posted 2 replies to this thread earlier today, they must have gotten lost.

Was just thanking Kimia - she seems to understand the situation I'm in alright.

The point I was making re: me talking too much is a RESOLVED issue between me and the OH, has been for the last 6 months.

I don't tell him the ins and outs of my day. I resent that a bit though. I kind of feel why should it be me that adapts my behaviour to suit his. The men answering on here seem to think I'm the straw that broke the camels back because they appear to believe that I didn't do this.

Why can't he adapt to suit me? Or better yet, meet me half way?

There has still been no contact.

I'm not sure whether I'm single or attached, but one thing that is clear is that he clearly thinks nothing of me or the relationship if he can just bail without a word for what is now 5 days.

I knew he had is flaws, but I never expected him to do this. Its weak and low.

It might have been a resolved issue in your eyes but maybe not in his, from your original posts explaining the situation it does come across to me that you are a very talkative person and this is probably what is annoying your boyfriend however that is not your fault, that is who you are and it is up to your boyfriend to decide if he is happy with that in his life or not, if he is not then he should have the decency to end the relationship so you can find someone who you are compatible with and likes you for who you are.

He is not wrong for being annoyed by behaviour he does not like, he is wrong for not handling this annoyance and his bad mood in a mature fashion, he should have told you that he is a bad mood and that he needs some time to himself to think which is a reasonable request, but just walking out without communicating to you and not being in contact is a little selfish and disrespectful.

If i was in your situation i would send him a message simply asking him what the situation is? are you guys broken up or is he still just thinking things over so at least you know where you stand.

Wompa1

Maybe he suffers from depression, when you ask him what's wrong if he doesn't tell you after the second attempt you should probably just leave well enough alone. Pushing things never ends well. Did you get a response on whether you are broken up? If you are he must be some coward

LegacyUser

Hi

thanks for all the responses.

I still haven't contacted him. The way I see it is that its up to him to come see me.

When he left, he left under this understanding between us:

Nothing is wrong with me, I'm just going home now, I will see you tomorrow.

I know this might sound childish but its really not up to me to being going after him asking him what the story is. He either knows (and has made up his cowardly mind) or he doesn't (and he's still thinking)

Once he did this and I went after him asking him what was up, we ended up going back to normal only for it to come out that he actually wasn't planning on coming back but after seeing me changed his mind.

IE: He felt guilty. I did nothing to intentionally make him feel guilty, just the sight of me did that apparently. So I suppose I owe it to myself not to go back to him this time.

What he's doing? Yes its cowardly, yes its weak, but yes, its also better than another 9 months of bliss before it all happens again.

I keep busy, nighttime is a b*tch but I'm just going to have to sit tight and allow this to work itself out.

I feel if I go and speak to him I might end up back where I want to be, but it probably won't be what he wants.

Wompa1 - yes I think he suffers from depression. But so do I and I have worked very hard to deal with that. He knows that I can help him through that, understand it and accept it but he denies its a problem.

Kimia

Hi Op. I feel for you. He sounds like a bit of a night mare to be honest. How can he just ignore you like this? And it is him ignoring you - he's the one that stormed off.

Did you say you guys are going out 4 years? I can't believe this is happening when you've been together so long. You really need to address it. I totally understand why you don't want to run after him but if it was me, I'd call over to his house, tell him that you need to have a serious talk, and then explain to him that this has got to stop.

Tell him that you deserve to be shown respect in all things, including when he's annoyed with you. If he has a problem you expect him to be an adult and to discuss it with you, instead of running away and hiding from you like a child. Tell him that you're disgusted that you have to be the one to be the bigger person and contact him first but that it's necessary if you are to stay together.

Also tell him that you are finished with the childish behaviour. Say that if he walks out on you one more time in your relationship that it will be the last time because you are finished with the tantrums. You are choosing to stop engaging with this type of behaviour and you are now finished putting up with it.

You can also say that you are open to any discussions he may want to have and that you're not a monster, if you've done something to upset him you want to know and make amends (as the case may be). But that in order for you to move forward as a couple you need to communicate and that has not been happening up to now.

If he still continues after you lay it out like this, he's obviously not mature enough to have an adult relationship and you should really consider letting him have his strops with someone else, because that's all they are. Do not let them affect you - this is his (childish) way of dealing with unhappy/negative feelings and it's HIS problem.

LegacyUser

OP, this is all beginning to sound a bit childish. You two are going out for 4 years. The longer this stubborness goes on, the less likely it is that one of you is going to give in and the relationship could actually get destroyed over a nothing fight. This sort of thing happens all the time in relationships and marriages and eventually one person has to back down and look at the bigger picture. You don't want to lose face, he doesn't want to lose face so nobody contacts the other. Now, I'm an eternal optimist but do you potentially want to just give up on this relationship just because he said he'd call you, he hasn't, so you're not going to call him.

As well as this, did you ever think for a second if your bf has possibly been ill, got injured, something might have happened that has meant he's unable to contact you. Are you worried about his wellbeing whatsoever or are you just determined not to lose face? Yes, it sounds like he was being a moody sh"t last week but come on, you're both adults, get over it.

IrishEyes19

sunflower27 wrote: »

You are contradicting yourself though. On one hand you're saying hold up with all the questions and then you are saying text the guy and ask to meet up and ask why he's been acting off.

A grown adult is able to speak his mind. I'm sorry, I think his behaviour is ridiculous.

Who wouldnt get paranoid if they are just blanked? I know I bl00dy would.

Im not contradicting myself, Sunflower...its not the same thing to keep asking questions when he has clearly answered her that he is fine, and another thing to send him one text to meet up and discuss where this is going. Big difference there.

Princess Peach

I really don't think that ignoring this is going to solve the problem.

In my experience guys often have a difficult time talking about their feelings or what might be bothering them so I really do think that you will have to make the first move and contact him.

It will be hard but you have to let him know how this makes you feel. Don't just expect him to know you are upset by his behaviour, he's not a mind reader, especially since you havent spoken in days!

Think about what is best for you here, and I really do think that calling him is it!

IrishEyes19

callhimorsomeone wrote: »

OP, this is all beginning to sound a bit childish. You two are going out for 4 years. The longer this stubborness goes on, the less likely it is that one of you is going to give in and the relationship could actually get destroyed over a nothing fight. This sort of thing happens all the time in relationships and marriages and eventually one person has to back down and look at the bigger picture. You don't want to lose face, he doesn't want to lose face so nobody contacts the other. Now, I'm an eternal optimist but do you potentially want to just give up on this relationship just because he said he'd call you, he hasn't, so you're not going to call him.

As well as this, did you ever think for a second if your bf has possibly been ill, got injured, something might have happened that has meant he's unable to contact you. Are you worried about his wellbeing whatsoever or are you just determined not to lose face? Yes, it sounds like he was being a moody sh"t last week but come on, you're both adults, get over it.

I'm think thats a little out of order, "Get over it," is well easy to say if your not the girl in limbo not knowing where you stand. And secondly its highly unlikely the guy is ill or something came up with the length of time he hasn't contacted her. With today's level of technology, "something came up" is a poor excuse for a guy who's been in a 4 year relationship not to contact her.

@ OP, for your own peace of mind, text him or call him and lay it down as such, that he either mans up to meet and discuss what happened and where it leaves you both or else its over. Don't let him drag you down because you don't need the hassle.

After reading your posts and other comments here, I'd be inclined to change my position on this a little, you may be talkative, I will stick to the fact that the 2o questions thing can be irritating, however you shouldn't change to suit his needs either as you have said. If you are talkative by nature thats ok, some people are, I think perhaps checking ourselves before we speak is something we all have to learn, as we often dominate conversation without realising it. But that is neither here or there at the moment. Right now you need closure, so contact him, tell him where it stands with you and than the ball is in his court to respond or not. If he doesn't, let him go. He wasnt worth your time in that case.

Redpunto

OP you need to get this resolved one way or the other. Take control and dump him, write him a letter if you dont want to see him but dont leave a 4 year relationship in limbo. Unless you think this relationship is worth saving you need to be the adult and finish things.

LegacyUser

okay so I got in touch.

Didn't know whether to call or email. I had an hour between jobs so I decided to visit him.

I was nervous as hell and very upset going in. Met his dad and was talking to him. He was asking me where I'd been, more evidence that the time apart was NOT the norm.

Well, turns out I found out the reason for his absence before even chatting to him. His mother is terminally ill. Know I know you're all probably thinking, "Oh, she only mentions this NOW" but his mother has been battling a terminal illness for the last 5 years. Not that it isn't important I just didn't relate it to this situation at all as its always been there.

She has gotten a lot worse and I THINK that is the reason for the absence.

I went to his room, knocked the door and when he opened it he was very happy to see me. The look of shame in his face was obvious and he immediately apologised. He hugged me and told me it was great to see me. He assured me that his storming off was not me but all him and the last thing he wanted to do was have me so worried. He just thought I was giving him the space he needed.

Now the plot thickens. I should be happy, right? I'm not the problem, I don't know what is, but its not me.

Wrong.

Whatever it is is big. It could be related to his mother. It could be something else. But whatever it is, he couldn't just say "I'm feeling crap. Don't want to talk about it, just need some space."

What he did was very immature but how do I make my point in light of the fact that his mother is coming very close to the end of her life?

Is this one of those battles I just don't choose? Or do I still speak my mind? I didn't get to speak my part yet as I was in a hurry for work and didn't want to rush it.

I feel I need to get my point across, but don't know if now is the right time.

Moomoo1

I agree with you - it's not acceptable to just disappear for five days in a relationship, with no explanation. Even if your mother is terminally ill.

He might want you to think that it's ok, but it really is not.

MonkeyBone

I'mconfused wrote: »

okay so I got in touch.

Didn't know whether to call or email. I had an hour between jobs so I decided to visit him.

I was nervous as hell and very upset going in. Met his dad and was talking to him. He was asking me where I'd been, more evidence that the time apart was NOT the norm.

Well, turns out I found out the reason for his absence before even chatting to him. His mother is terminally ill. Know I know you're all probably thinking, "Oh, she only mentions this NOW" but his mother has been battling a terminal illness for the last 5 years. Not that it isn't important I just didn't relate it to this situation at all as its always been there.

She has gotten a lot worse and I THINK that is the reason for the absence.

I went to his room, knocked the door and when he opened it he was very happy to see me. The look of shame in his face was obvious and he immediately apologised. He hugged me and told me it was great to see me. He assured me that his storming off was not me but all him and the last thing he wanted to do was have me so worried. He just thought I was giving him the space he needed.

Now the plot thickens. I should be happy, right? I'm not the problem, I don't know what is, but its not me.

Wrong.

Whatever it is is big. It could be related to his mother. It could be something else. But whatever it is, he couldn't just say "I'm feeling crap. Don't want to talk about it, just need some space."

What he did was very immature but how do I make my point in light of the fact that his mother is coming very close to the end of her life?

Is this one of those battles I just don't choose? Or do I still speak my mind? I didn't get to speak my part yet as I was in a hurry for work and didn't want to rush it.

I feel I need to get my point across, but don't know if now is the right time.

Hi Op,

I have experienced watching a parent pass away from a terminal illness and it is a very hard thing to deal with. Your bf probably doesn't know how to take it all in and has his own fears about his mum and family. I understand your annoyance but try to understand it from his point of view. This doesn't mean that he loves you any less but he is trying to deal with it in the best way he can. My advice is to give him the space he needs but let him know you are there for him too. I know this advice would be hard for anyone given the context and what happened but right now it may be more important to allow him to grieve/gain acceptance/open up, but he needs to do that on his own terms knowing that he has people around him that care.

(I am speaking from my own experience so please do not take offence to anything I advise)

I hope it all works out.

TitoPuente

• Don't know where you stand emotionally
• He's not emotional (a 'logical thinker')
• Doesn't tell you an awful lot about his life
• Disappears for days on end

There's a pattern forming here. It really hit me when he started giving you the silent treatment just as you mentioned that the woman in the store was 'a little crazy' and, as it turns out, his own mother is terminally ill.

What kind of relationship did he and his mother have? Or do you know at all? Sorry... doing my amateur psychology bit here but everything you've said so far suggests that there might be something much deeper at play here.

LegacyUser

I'mconfused wrote: »

okay so I got in touch.

I went to his room, knocked the door and when he opened it he was very happy to see me. The look of shame in his face was obvious and he immediately apologised. He hugged me and told me it was great to see me. He assured me that his storming off was not me but all him and the last thing he wanted to do was have me so worried. He just thought I was giving him the space he needed.


What he did was very immature but how do I make my point in light of the fact that his mother is coming very close to the end of her life?

I feel I need to get my point across, but don't know if now is the right time.

You did the right thing by going to see him. Leaving a four year relationship in limbo would've caused you a lot of heart ache.

It is immature of him to not talk to you about stuff that's worrying him, especially something as big as his mother getting worse. It's not fair that you're being shut out, but unfortunately that's the way your boyfriend is. I don't think he does this to intentionally hurt you.

You can't give out to him now for the way he's behaving, he's having a hard time at the moment and he won't be able to take it in. What I suggest you do is let him know that you're there for him if he needs to talk. In the meantime, you carry on with your life, with or without him. He really can't expect you to hang around if he keeps pushing you away, but if you let him know that you're just a phone call away, he'll have to make the effort to stay in contact.

It's a difficult situation for the both of you, but you have to look out for yourself. You can't constantly go chasing after him when he shuts you out. It's about time he opened up.

LegacyUser

Why are my posts taking days to appear?

The Recliner

I'mconfused wrote: »

Why are my posts taking days to appear?

Your posts shouldn't be taking days to appear but we do have to approve Unregistered posts manually

As we aren't around 24/7 it may take some time before your posts appear

LegacyUser

Sorry, don't mean to sound snappy.

I had posted a reply to TitoPuente by saying that my OH's relationship with his mother is great. They are very close and he is definitely her favourite.

Having said that, he tells her pretty much nothing too.

Just anxious to have them appear asap as TitoPuente will have probably stopped checking this thread by now so I can't get the full benefit of his/her advice.

Stu

OP, if he was so happy to see you, why couldn't he give your a quick phonecall to say that he was with his mother as she is feeling unwell.

Sorry, but hes just happy that you backed down and went to see him, a little boost to his ego. What an absolute tool he is.

Seriously, sit him down and lay it on the line. Don't take anymore BS from him with his moods and disappearing for days.

Its emotional abusive and you can't let him away with it again.