Story I'm writing for all my friends at AH

Dublindude69

I just started writing this story, I was wondering if I could get tips and things here. I'll post more as I write it.

The Stench

It's a sunny hot day in the middle of July in Dublin. At the Stillorgan Industrial Estate and there is a Caravan parked illegally at the side of the road. Inside the Caravan we see a man in his early fifties, his name is Gerry Connors, he is sitting at a small table.
A small child, John, runs inside, Gerry turns to the him and yells “What did you get for us son?”
John turns to his father and says “I’m sorry da, I couldn’t nick anything, they where watching me the whole time.”
Gerry raises his right arm and smacks John across the face yelling “You useless little ****er!”
“I’m sorry da, I’m sorry” John wails out.
An older woman, Jackie, storms into the Caravan with two girls, Maggie and Kathleen. Jackie proudly exclaims “Kathleen managed to steal a charity box filled with five hundred euros.”. Kathleen proudly displays the box, there is an image of a crying child on the side of it. Gerry smiles and gets up to give Kathleen a hug. Maggie, feeling jealous shouts out “Well I Distracted the guy while she took it.”.
Jackie holds out a can of beans “I managed to score use some dinner”.
An hour later and the family is sitting around the table eating the beans. The family never wash or use deodorant so the van is a very smelly place. John is in the corner of the van with a plate of dog crap, this is his punishment for not stealing anything. He cries out “Can I please have some beans, I’m sorry I failed to father”. Gerry grabs an empty can and throws it at John, smacking him in the face,
Suddenly there is a loud fart coming from Maggie, then one from Jackie and Gerry also, the farts combine together and create a small green cloud. “What the ****?” Kathleen exclaims.
“Did that come from us?” Gerry asks.
Suddenly there is a knock on the door.
“Open up, this is the gardai” A Voice yells.
“Ah ****!” Jackie yells.
“Want me to bash em da?” John asks.
“No son, not yet” Gerry replies.
The door is opened and a young man enters in a gardai outfit.
“You lot are parked here illegally” The Gardai says.
“**** off” Gerry replies.
“You are on the side of the road and are blocking traffic” The gardai replies.
“And what are you going to do about it you ****ing tosser? Nothing, now **** right off” Gerry replies in a snaky voice.
The gardai is about to say something else when the green cloud rushes at him and goes up his nose and in his mouth. “Oh God, oh God! It stinks worse then anything” The gardai screams out panicking.
“Who are you calling smelly you racist ****er?” Gerry roars out.
Suddenly the guard falls to his knees, he starts to gag and all of a sudden he starts puking up his insides. He falls on his hands, puking up his stomach lining, his organs, everything piles out of him. His screams sound inhuman. Suddenly his skin starts melting off, his eye balls explodes and he falls down dead.
“What the ****?” John asks”
“Who the hell cares, as long as it didn’t happen to me.” Gerry replies.
Suddenly the green cloud comes out of the guards mouth only it’s now bigger.
“Holy crap, it must of killed him.” Maggie exclaims.
“John, smell that thing” Gerry orders.
“God no da” He replies, scared.
“Smell it or I will beat you into next week” Gerry replies. But before John can move the Stench goes out the door.
“You can eat that if you are still hungry” Gerry says pointing at the dead guards.
Outside the Caravan we see the Gardai car parked outside and a younger trainee Gardai Tom sitting in it bored. Tom is typing out a text message and drinking out of a cup of coffee at the same time. We see the Caravan is parked badly and is blocking up a lane of traffic, there is lots of beeping. Tom looks up at the Caravan and sees The Stench coming out the front door. “Holy What The ****?” Tom yells out as it floats towards him. Quickly he rolls up all the windows as The Stench hit’s the windshield.
Tom pulls out the radio “Anyone listening, I got a crazy fog like thing here out side the Caravan parked on the Stillorgan Industrial Estate.” He is met with silence. The Stench starts to creep around the side of his car and starts vanishing into it.
“What the **** is going on?” Tom cries out scared. Inside the car The Stench starts to come in through the small cracks and air conditioner.
“No! No! Please god no!” Tom cries but before long The Stench vanishes up his nose.
“The Smell! Oh ****ing cock God the smell” He screams out. He starts to gag and then he vomits up all his insides, like before everything comes up, blood splatters across the car windows. Toms eyes explodes his skins melts off and then The Stench leaves his body, bigger then ever now.
Gerry walks out of the Caravan followed by John, who is now eating an intestine.
“Holy Mother, it’s getting bigger and we are immune somehow” Gerry says.
“What you yapping about?” John asks but he is answered with a punch across the face.
The Stench leaves the car, it’s about eight feet in mass now. It starts to head towards to road and the busy traffic.
Susan, a twenty five year old woman on her way back from work with her baby in the back seat, The back window was open. She drove while listening to music and singing along. Behind her she hears an odd noise and turns around, the sight she sees turns her stomach. Her baby is now skinless, no eyes and a pile of it’s insides are splattered all over the floor. Susan screams in terror as the baby explodes and The Stench is in it’s place. Chunks of the baby splatter into Susans eyes, blinding her. The Stench goes into her mouth, everything is to much, she loses control of the car and serves into the other lane, crashing into another car head on.

Renn is enjoying his drive to work, ironic as he dreaded his work day. It was another day of serving burgers to people at McDonalds, worse still he was on his final warning from his boss for stealing Big Macs. Renn looks at himself in the mirror and smiles to himself, “Ok self, don’t spill a milkshake all over yourself today.” he says. He puts his eyes back on the road and they widen with horror as he sees a massive pile up in front of him. To the left we see a young four year old girl wandering around the road in a daze. The oddest sight is the green smoke exiting all the cars. Renn realises that if he crashes into the other cars as his speed he has a 70% chance of survival but that was not a chance he was willing to take. He serves his car to the left, missing the pile up but smacking into the four year old child on the road, he body explodes from the impact, he head comes off and splatters across the windshield.
“Oh ****ing ****, now I can’t see a thing!” Renn cries out, the Childs guts get all tangled up in his tires and he loses control of the car, it crashes.

The Connors watch the carnage in front of them, Gerry looks on and says “You know what must be done now?”
“Help the people?” John replies, Gerry is furious with the reply and back hand smacks him across the face with such force he flies a few feet across the floor and breaks his nose.
“We steal all their stuff!” Kathleen says.
“That’s my girl” Gerry proudly exclaims.
A nineteen year old guy comes up onto the scene, he seems to totally ignore the carnage and just stares at Maggie.
“Ger, don’t look at me like, I’m your sister!” Maggie says. Ger walks over to her and gives her a hug then whispers softly in her ear “I’ll ride what ever I can get”, Maggie swoons in response.

Another car is driving down the road, this is driven but Zuroph, he is driving very dangerously already as he has his laptop plugged into the cigarette lighter. His face is very red, you can see his veins on his neck. He is angrily yelling out and typing on his computer “Thread deleted! Banned, Banned!, delete! There will be no fun on my watch AUGH!”. He puts his eyes back on the road and sees a hub cap bouncing on it, his eyes widen in terror as the hub cap smashes through his windshield and slams into his next, decapitating him, his head falls to his lap.

Renn slowly begins to come to, he is very thankful that he is still alive, he looks at his windshield, it is totally smeared with toddler brains. He opens his car door and slowly steps out to see the pile up for himself. He looks around and sees smashed cars and dead bodies. “Oh well, I guess this means I won’t have to go to work today” he says to himself, he starts to walk off but slips in toddler guts and falls flat on his ass. Then he sees it, the green cloud, the stench, it comes out of the cars and heads towards Renn, he looks towards the Connors and yell out “For the love of God, please help me” but all the Connors do back is point and laugh at him. He starts crawling backwards, look of sheer terror on his face. The Stench goes into his nose, into his eyes and mouth, his eyes explode, he vomits up his intestines and finally his skin melts off. The Stench leaves his body and heads off towards town, leaving a big pile up behind it.

FearDark

Its no "Trent" masterpiece.

ejmaztec

I got as far as "I".

The Volt

FearDark wrote: »

Its no "Trent" masterpiece.

Got there before me :pac:

smash

That story is rubbish...

Renn

ejmaztec wrote: »

I got as far as "I".

Five lines down? Impressive.

Wazdakka

Tl:dr

Also...
I'm not your friend, buddy..

Menengroth™

http://boards.ie/vbulletin/login.php?do=logout

Cheers.

genericguy

Poo-litzer prize material right there.

mikom

Stan Lee's lawyers will be on to you shortly to sort out payment for use of his Venom character.

kfallon

Didn't cure my ADD anyway

Dublindude69

Hey I worked really hard on this. I think it's really important and has a bit to say about our climate at the moment
PS, who is Trent?

Renn

genericguy wrote: »

Poo-litzer prize material right there.

Do you have to pass your award on?

Wazdakka

Menengroth™ wrote: »

http://boards.ie/vbulletin/login.php?do=logout

Cheers.

Win...

token56

Dublindude69 wrote: »

who is Trent?

He's the guy you wish you could be,

--Kaiser--

Creative Writing forum -->

Recycling Bin -->

Sea Sharp

There's no way am I thanking that!

Kiera

Meh, i hit ctrl & F looking for Kiera. That stroy is ****!

Renn

I must say I'm ashamed to be a fan of The Room now

Dublindude69

Are you all saying I shouldn't continue it?

Sea Sharp

I didn't read tbh.

Kalona

No offence, but thats actually pretty bad writing!

smash

Dublindude69 wrote: »

Are you all saying I shouldn't continue it?

Are you still logged in????

Dublindude69

jealus lot, I'm trying to write a story that also serves as a warning of what might happen.

Renn

You guys are worse than him. Seriously, check my link.

Kalona

Dublindude69 wrote: »

jealus lot, I'm trying to write a story that also serves as a warning of what might happen.

seriously are you taking the p!ss? Honest question!

zuroph

At least the trolls are putting in a bit more effort these days.

allanb49

I find it odd that you used the suranme connors and had them as travellers on the side of the road up in the industrial estate... Hmmm

Reminds me of a traveller family who used to come into Xtra Vision when i worked there,
They where from Sandyford, Lived up where the luas line is now. And had the same surname.

Remember one day the Father, never knew his name nice man though.

There was him the daughter and two sons,

I had gotten there dvd's they wanted and exchanged moneys and what not and they where leaving.

Next thing half way down the shop.
The Father raises his hand and smacks with full force the son in front of him on the back of the head *i head the smack echo*

The son was about 13/14 by the way.

The Father then reached into his sons jacket and pulled out two dvd's walked back to the desk nodded to me left them on the counter and walked away.

I had not seen him take any of the dvd's and from then on in the son never came into the shop with them, You'd see him outside in the Red Van. Jesus that was 6/7 years ago.

zuroph

allanb49 wrote: »

I find it odd that you used the suranme connors and had them as travellers on the side of the road up in the industrial estate... Hmmm

Reminds me of a traveller family who used to come into Xtra Vision when i worked there,
They where from Sandyford, Lived up where the luas line is now. And had the same surname.

Remember one day the Father, never knew his name nice man though.

There was him the daughter and two sons,

I had gotten there dvd's they wanted and exchanged moneys and what not and they where leaving.

Next thing half way down the shop.
The Father raises his hand and smacks with full force the son in front of him on the back of the head *i head the smack echo*

The son was about 13/14 by the way.

The Father then reached into his sons jacket and pulled out two dvd's walked back to the desk nodded to me left them on the counter and walked away.

I had not seen him take any of the dvd's and from then on in the son never came into the shop with them, You'd see him outside in the Red Van. Jesus that was 6/7 years ago.

Are you the ghost writer for the OP?

allanb49

zuroph wrote: »

Are you the ghost writer for the OP?

No i'm from sandyford, and just find it weird that the surname and location he chose where of the same family. Too weird to be a conicidance Zuroph :rolleyes:

Renn

Interesting....................