I farted during a massage today

Pope Benedict

I was having a Thai massage this afternoon. My usual masseuse wasn't available so it was with a new girl. Such was her excellence she had me switched off fairly quick, so much so that I let out a squeaky streamer that lasted near five seconds about fiteen mins in to the hour session. I apologised immediately and she brushed it off but I know she was offended. My only saving grace was that it didn't leave a pong. Anyone else have a story about farting at an inopportune moment?

SadieSue

I guess you didn't have a happy ending.

dvpower

Pope Benedict wrote: »

I was having a Thai massage this afternoon. My usual masseuse wasn't available so it was with a new girl. Such was her excellence she had me switched off fairly quick, so much so that I let out a squeaky streamer that lasted near five seconds about fiteen mins in to the hour session. I apologised immediately and she brushed it off but I know she was offended. My only saving grace was that it didn't leave a pong. Anyone else have a story about farting at an inopportune moment?

That's more than a fart.

mike65

I just farted in the general direction of this thread, but I don't think it was inappropriate.

Einhard

I farted once on the set of Blue Lagoon.

bonerm

Did you follow through?

Pope Benedict

dvpower wrote: »

That's more than a fart.

What?

dave 27

haha brilliant!

after that u should have turned over on your back and demand a hand job, she would have been so offended from the fart a hand job would have seemed appropriate!

ejmaztec

Pope Benedict wrote: »

Anyone else have a story about farting at an inopportune moment?

No, you're the only one, your eminence-ship.

dilallio

Why do farts smell? - for the benefit of the deaf!

ElaElaElano

Hi Jake,

Contrary to your other pseudonyms, I think not everyone will hate you this time. No, this stuff is right up Flutt's street.

bonerm

dave 27 wrote: »

haha brilliant!

after that u should have turned over on your back and demand a hand job, she would have been so offended from the fart a hand job would have seemed appropriate!

He has Altar boys for that.

Pope Benedict

bonerm wrote: »

Did you follow through?

No although there was a brown streak on the towel when I was finished, very faint mind you.

elius

dvpower wrote: »

That's more than a fart.

Anything 5 seconds or over = a SHART:D:D

Strange Loop

Accidentally let one rip during a particularly difficult stretch in a yoga class once.

'Ah, sure no-one'll have noticed', I thought. They'll never pinpoint me in this crowd.

The looks in the mirror said otherwise.

messymess

Can you PM us on the details and rate of your masseuse? I'd murder a good thai massage! If I go to the same one I might even fart for laugh

ya-ba-da-ba-doo

elius wrote: »

Anything 5 seconds or over = a SHART:D:D

No. A fart with shíte splutters in it is a shart.



To be precise.

blinding

Pope Benedict wrote: »

I was having a Thai massage this afternoon. My usual masseuse wasn't available so it was with a new girl. Such was her excellence she had me switched off fairly quick, so much so that I let out a squeaky streamer that lasted near five seconds about fiteen mins in to the hour session. I apologised immediately and she brushed it off but I know she was offended. My only saving grace was that it didn't leave a pong. Anyone else have a story about farting at an inopportune moment?

Give her permission to plug your holiness's hole before the next massage !

Pope Benedict

ya-ba-da-ba-doo wrote: »

No. A fart with shíte splutters in it is a shart.



To be precise.

As embarrassing as a fart was a shart would be crushing.

caseyann

Dont worry about it, Masseuses are used to that and it is not uncommon.

AckwelFoley

Alls well that ends well.

You could have mistaken and completely **** your togs.

That would be a little more awkward.

Of course it would be even more awkward if she then ate it

evil_seed

Done it in the physio while getting my back worked on. The strech used caused it.. I swear. Also once in the gym while the instructor was beside my instructing on how to lift the weights I was doing properly. I was proper embarrassed cos she was soooo hot.

Pope Benedict

caseyann wrote: »

Dont worry about it, Masseuses are used to that and it is not uncommon.

Really? Are you a masseuse Ann?

caseyann

Pope Benedict wrote: »

Really? Are you a masseuse Ann?

No i go to them regular,told me if i fart its cool it natural.Means the toxins and digestive system is been cleansed
Oh and your bowel movement become more frequent so if your alot more thirsty dont worry about it

easyeason3

I got food poisoning two months ago.

I've been afraid to fart/ burp since

Pope Benedict

caseyann wrote: »

No i go to them regular,told me if i fart its cool it natural.Means the toxins and digestive system is been cleansed
Oh and your bowel movement become more frequent so if your alot more thirsty dont worry about it

Ok cool. Didn't think massages would have any link to the digestive system.

Archeron

easyeason3 wrote: »

I got food poisoning two months ago.

I've been afraid to fart/ burp since

You havent farted in two months???

Someone get that man a video camera, a match and access to Youtube.

easyeason3

Archeron wrote: »

You havent farted in two months???

Someone get that man a video camera, a match and access to Youtube.

I've farted, but on the throne. Still finding it difficult to tell the difference between a loaded missile & friendly fire.

It's a well known fact that ladies don't fart unless absolutely necessary & only when in the bathroom. Our farts also tend to smell like roses.

NoHornJan

Holey Smoke. Your Eminence is flatulently excused...

laugh

Aaarrgghh all the female farters on this thread.

jackiebaron

Let rip a bubbler in a job interview once. Combination of what I'd eaten the night before and nerves meant I was a friggin' windbag. Interviewer cracked a joke and we both started to laugh. The one I'd been painfully holding blasted out of me. He laughed harder but I was fairly embarassed.

bmw535d

jackiebaron wrote: »

Let rip a bubbler in a job interview once. Combination of what I'd eaten the night before and nerves meant I was a friggin' windbag. Interviewer cracked a joke and we both started to laugh. The one I'd been painfully holding blasted out of me. He laughed harder but I was fairly embarassed.

you dont have a step brother about 40 years old do you?:pac:

twinytwo

all i can say is loud and proud

Scarinae

Einhard wrote: »

I farted once on the set of Blue Lagoon.

*slap* :pac:

starbelgrade

I was at a bus stop years ago, felt one coming on & seeing nobody about, let it rip. It was a good hard, loud one. Then I heard someone giggling... there was someone behind me in a garden that I hadn't noticed.

Would have been alright, only I'd bent the knees to give it full power, pulled a "fart face" & then went "aaaaaah!" while it was on the way out.

Captain Darling

starbelgrade wrote: »

I was at a bus stop years ago, felt one coming on & seeing nobody about, let it rip. It was a good hard, loud one. Then I heard someone giggling... there was someone behind me in a garden that I hadn't noticed.

Would have been alright, only I'd bent the knees to give it full power, pulled a "fart face" & then went "aaaaaah!" while it was on the way out.

Classic!

Poor Uncle Tom

Pope Benedict wrote: »

Ok cool. Didn't think massages would have any link to the digestive system.

Yeah, they get their little hands everywhere, don't they....

BluesBerry

Ah farts the most natural thing in the world and also the most funniest as well

Thankfully women dont fart

fart hehe even the word is funny sigh

also did i mention women dont fart .....ever :cool:

jackiebaron

bmw535d wrote: »

you dont have a step brother about 40 years old do you?:pac:

No, why?

FlutterinBantam

I was playing golf in a mixed fourball included the Lady Captain and her husband.

Winding up on a par 5 for a lasher of a drive, I unloaded a particularly deep throated ripper right on top of the backswing.

Waft of stale Guinness and Frank's hot chili wings sauce hung on the tee box as the lady captains husband teed up to drive.

Fcukin stink was fetid and cloying.

He stood back waving his hand under his nose and said 'I think I'll wait till this fog clears before driving off"

Took the heat out of the situation, but I couldn't concentrate after that and lost the game 4/3.

Madjackjr

BluesBerry wrote: »

Ah farts the most natural thing in the world and also the most funniest as well

Thankfully women dont fart

fart hehe even the word is funny sigh

also did i mention women dont fart .....ever :cool:

Your right women don't fart they just laugh in their underwear:p

Sanjuro

I farted in front of a German man visiting our company today. It was hard to recognise an expression of either ammusment or disgust on his ruthelessly efficient face.

funk-you

Could have been worse. Could have been at a critical moment while your girlfriend was going down on you. Didn't get head for a week.

-Funk

The HorsesMouth

Einhard wrote: »

I farted once on the set of Blue Lagoon.

Thats the first thing I thought of when I seen this thread!:D

flanum

i farted in jesus'tomb in the so-called garden tomb in jerusalem... it was the kind of bending i had to do to get in... also on a side note.. i had a bj on the mount of olives across from damascus gate!

Gillington

jackiebaron wrote: »

Let rip a bubbler in a job interview once. Combination of what I'd eaten the night before and nerves meant I was a friggin' windbag. Interviewer cracked a joke and we both started to laugh. The one I'd been painfully holding blasted out of me. He laughed harder but I was fairly embarassed.

Did you get the job!!?

Tilt Gone

Farted in the cinema just as the lights went down. You know that split second of silence before the movie kicks in?? Well I couldn't have timed it more perfect if i tried.

It was one of those ripper one's that just seemed to pass through my body without any warning whatsoever And to make it worse my girlfriend starts to laughing histerically making it quite obvious it was me.

df1985

I farted in a steam room a few months back and managed to clear everyone out. It had been a heavy weekend on the beer and hangover takeaways, Come monday i wanted to go to the pool, have a swim and then sit in the steam room and sweat all the crap and toxins out of me.

Anyway went into the steam room and decided to get comfortable by lying down. Was nice and comfy, took in a deep breath and let it out......not the only thing that came out. Let one rip, a silent but violent one. One by one they fell, and moved fairly quick for the door. First 2 girls, pulled disgusted faces at eachother and left, then another woman, and last but not least an aul fella who just said "awwwwwwwww jaysus!!!" on the way out.Between the heat and the smell they had to go!

A proud moment.

Poor Uncle Tom

I was going to the local pool, just passing a jacuzzi with four fellas in it when I saw a bubble of, what looked like sperm, hit the surface.
All four saw it, but it was the blonde guy who spoke up "OK guys, who farted?"

Terry

caseyann wrote: »

No i go to them regular,told me if i fart its cool it natural.Means the toxins and digestive system is been cleansed
Oh and your bowel movement become more frequent so if your alot more thirsty dont worry about it

Liar. Women don't fart.

FlutterinBantam wrote: »

I was playing golf in a mixed fourball included the Lady Captain and her husband.

Winding up on a par 5 for a lasher of a drive, I unloaded a particularly deep throated ripper right on top of the backswing.

Waft of stale Guinness and Frank's hot chili wings sauce hung on the tee box as the lady captains husband teed up to drive.

Fcukin stink was fetid and cloying.

He stood back waving his hand under his nose and said 'I think I'll wait till this fog clears before driving off"

Took the heat out of the situation, but I couldn't concentrate after that and lost the game 4/3.

OP, that's how it's done.
Take note during your next incarnation.

W.Shakes-Beer

I see it nearly as a set challenge to try and fart as loud as you can and offend as many people as possible but still trying to leave the people with the "who done that?" question.

Think letting loose a a quiet one (but fueled by your boiled eggs and tea from that morning) just as you get off a Dublin bus. The heat of it exiting means its gonna be like acid.

And you'll be laughing as you get off.