Funerals on facebook

MissMotivated

So I was on facebook yesterday having a nose and ended up on this girls page where she had lost a 10 month old baby girl, very sad, but then I saw in her pics that she had about 50 pics of the actual funeral, from the mass, the carriage being driven along, the coffin being carried, the grave, and also which I could not believe but pics of the child dead in the coffin and being held by various people before being put in the coffin. I found it so disturbing, I like Facebook as much as the next one but is that what it's come to now that it's seen as OK to put pics of funerals and dead babies the deceased on there? I think sympathising with someone on Facebook is atrocious as it's so impersonal but this is on a whole other level!!
Or is this me being over senisitive?

Xiney

A friend of a friend got a tattoo of her miscarriage's feet - not even far enough along that the sex could be determined so one foot was pink and the other was blue.

obviously such feet would have been really small so she made them bigger for the tattoo so that it was more visible. :rolleyes:



Personally, I think people ought to be ashamed for making an absolute public spectacle of death like that, particularly infant death.

Ickle Magoo

I think if someone goes through the horrendous experience of loosing a child or miscarrying then they should be able to do whatever they need to do to get over that experience. Whether that be a public declaration of their child's existence or short life - in tattoo ink, facebook or setting up a webpage for them. If the people who actually lost the children are not offended or upset then I don't see what right anyone completely unrelated to them, the child, the situation and the hurt they carry has to pass judgement.

Lynnsie

Ickle Magoo wrote: »

I think if someone goes through the horrendous experience of loosing a child or miscarrying then they should be able to do whatever they need to do to get over that experience. Whether that be a public declaration of their child's existence or short life - in tattoo ink, facebook or setting up a webpage for them. If the people who actually lost the children are not offended or upset then I don't see what right anyone completely unrelated to them, the child, the situation and the hurt they carry has to pass judgement.

+1, while I don't think I would even be able to mention something that personal on facebook and would hate the idea of people I don't know that well looking at it, for someone going through something that awful and painful it's a matter of whatever helps them and keeps them going.

When you're grieving you have to find a way of coping and if that is hers, so be it. It might be her way of reaching out to as many people as possible for some support and help.

MissMotivated

I'm not trying to belittle her grief or pain at all, I see alot of people starting pages now in rememberance of loved ones, I just think actual photos of the child dead or any dead loved ones being put on facebook are just not right

g'em

Ickle Magoo wrote: »

I think if someone goes through the horrendous experience of loosing a child or miscarrying then they should be able to do whatever they need to do to get over that experience. Whether that be a public declaration of their child's existence or short life - in tattoo ink, facebook or setting up a webpage for them. If the people who actually lost the children are not offended or upset then I don't see what right anyone completely unrelated to them, the child, the situation and the hurt they carry has to pass judgement.

I agree with that sentiment but I think decency has to be considered too. Publically putting up pictures of a deceased child imho isn't in particularly good taste - the person who has died has no say in this whatsoever, and I can't think of many people who would want an image of themself put up in the public domain after they'd passed away.

The grieving process is phenomenally difficult, and people cope in different ways, but is it really in the deceased person's interest to these photos up for all to see?

blondie7

i agree i think its disgusting and attention seeking to put pictures of dead people on facebook or anywhere, why would anyone want to take such photos. My dad passed away this year and the picture i have of him in my head is where he is alive, if i do want to see him i pick up old photos of happy times when he was alive not of him lying in a coffin.

Lynnsie

I agree that the photos of the baby are too much but the girl who put them up probably isn't thinking straight at the moment. She might even regret it later when her head is a bit clearer.

grief is a personal journey each to there own i say

Tordelback

g'em wrote: »

...but is it really in the deceased person's interest to these photos up for all to see?

I'd argue that deceased people have no interests any more, but their family and friends do - if it's okay with them, then whatever works is good. Funerals and all expressions of the grieving process are for the living, not the dead. Facebooked corpses are not to my taste, but if it helps someone I wouldn't quibble.

Separately, the tattooed feet idea is very sweet.

Truley

OP a similar thing happened to me once when I stumbled upon a friend of a friend's facebook page. Her photo albums had literally hundreds of pictures of three different babies in various poses in hospital beds, just like any photos of new born babies. And with the usual comments of aww so cute, look at his little hands etc It took a while for me to realise that each of her three babies was stillborn, I got such a shock! I do think it's very distasteful and frankly a bit upsetting considering online she was acting as if the babies were alive, so I felt almost a little 'tricked' into looking at the pics. But hey if it helped the mother cope better with her loss who am I to begrudge. I think she should have kept the pages private though.

Acoshla

I think a lot of people genuinely consider Facebook and twitter to be an actual extension of their life, I mean the amount of fb statuses I've seen saying things like "Ok well I'm in labour now, doc says 5cm dilated, any time now!" and I'm like wtf? You're in the middle of this crazy moment in your life and one of your main thoughts is I'll update my status?

I think a lot of people think it's totally normal to document every aspect of their lives on these sites, and if that includes a funeral then up it goes onto fb. A friend of mine has refused to put up her wedding photos onto facebook, so many people have begged her to and she just says no, that they are private and if someone really wants to see them they can come to her house and look, and if they're not close enough to her to do that then they shouldn't need to see them anyway.

akamossy

Well I think the pictures are a bit much really, I don't think it's right to even take pictures at a funeral never mind post them online. But in regards to the tattoo I think that's a personal thing and if that's what they wanted to remember their child then I see no harm in it at all and I definitely don't think that it's making a public spectacle out of their childs death

pollypocket10

Xiney wrote: »

A friend of a friend got a tattoo of her miscarriage's feet - not even far enough along that the sex could be determined so one foot was pink and the other was blue.

obviously such feet would have been really small so she made them bigger for the tattoo so that it was more visible. :rolleyes:



Personally, I think people ought to be ashamed for making an absolute public spectacle of death like that, particularly infant death.

I think you should be ashamed of belittling someones grief, and their personal way of dealing with it like that.

g'em

Tordelback wrote: »

I'd argue that deceased people have no interests any more, but their family and friends do - if it's okay with them, then whatever works is good. Funerals and all expressions of the grieving process are for the living, not the dead. Facebooked corpses are not to my taste, but if it helps someone I wouldn't quibble.

From a personal pov, if I were to pass away I would want my friends and family to remember me at my best - I would like them to preserve memories of me full of live and vivaciousness. You're right though, grieving procedures are almost exclusively for the living but I'd still like to think that my family had the wherewithal to think about how I'd like to be remembered

I know it's different where children are concerned, but (and again this is personally speaking) if I were to lose a child (or any family member or close friend) I would want to have pictures of them alive and well and remember them in that way.

JohnK

In times gone by it was very much the done thing to take photos of the dead so I dont see it as being that big an issue. A bit exhibitionist maybe but if it helps the family get through a tough time then what harm is it? Its not like any of us are being forced to look at the pictures.

Quackles

I have a friend who lost a baby at 33 weeks gestation. She has photos of herself and her husband and family cradling the baby, the baby dressed up, etc. It brings her a lot of comfort. I know that's a little different, she has no photos of her baby alive, just the stillborn ones. Still, to each their own, whatever gets you through a horrific time. I wouldn't be taking photos of a funeral, but that's just me.

Ickle Magoo

g'em wrote: »

I agree with that sentiment but I think decency has to be considered too. Publically putting up pictures of a deceased child imho isn't in particularly good taste - the person who has died has no say in this whatsoever, and I can't think of many people who would want an image of themself put up in the public domain after they'd passed away.

The grieving process is phenomenally difficult, and people cope in different ways, but is it really in the deceased person's interest to these photos up for all to see?

Having a wake or dead body on display for all the neighbours to come and gawk at wouldn't be my idea of tasteful or pleasant & certainly not something I'd want for me or mine but as I'm not the one dealing with the death, it's really not my call to make nor comment on other individual cases. I'd go so far as to say that now that peoples families and friends are often spread out across the world and we are in the midst of the internet age, having some kind of on-line wake or remembrance is going to become far more commonplace.

I have no idea what you mean by the dead persons interest. They are dead, they have no conciousness, awareness or personal interests. What does still exist is the people trying to come to terms with their raw grief. I have no idea how I would react if something happened to my kids, none, my thoughts on grieving parents are, thankfully, based in complete and utter ignorance. Grief does funny things to people - if it makes someone feel better that their child has a page of remembrance, or is carried with them wherever they go as with a tattoo - who are we to judge them?

g'em

Ickle Magoo wrote: »

I have no idea what you mean by the dead persons interest.

What they would have liked. If I died I wouldn't want people seeing pictures of me dead. Fair enough, it's not something I have any control over and it certainly won't affect me, but as an alive person it's something I would request.

Ickle Magoo

g'em wrote: »

What they would have liked. If I died I wouldn't want people seeing pictures of me dead. Fair enough, it's not something I have any control over and it certainly won't affect me, but as an alive person it's something I would request.

I'm not following why your personal likes or dislikes should impinge on what other people wish to do...

Xiney

pollypocket10 wrote: »

I think you should be ashamed of belittling someones grief, and their personal way of dealing with it like that.

I don't think it was a particularly personal way of dealing with it, is the point.

g'em

Ickle Magoo wrote: »

I'm not following why your personal likes or dislikes should impinge on what other people wish to do...

It's not impinging, it's having respect for my wishes and because I would hope that my family would consider what I would have wanted. If I said to my Mum: "Mum, when I die I don't want a wake, I don't want to people to see me dead" I would hope that she would respect that. It's not that complex an idea.

Xiney

Ickle Magoo wrote: »

I'm not following why your personal likes or dislikes should impinge on what other people wish to do...

g'em is saying posting pictures of a dead person takes away the possibility of consent from that person, since they're dead. I'd imagine if you asked almost anyone, "if you die tomorrow can I take photos of you and post them on the internet" they'd tell you where to go.

Ickle Magoo

g'em wrote: »

It's not impinging, it's having respect for my wishes and because I would hope that my family would consider what I would have wanted. If I said to my Mum: "Mum, when I die I don't want a wake, I don't want to people to see me dead" I would hope that she would respect that. It's not that complex an idea.

This thread was about babies and miscarriages and how parents deal with the grief of loosing a baby...I have no idea where adults dictating what they want done with their dead bodies comes into it...it's not that complex an idea if, indeed, that's what the thread had been about.

Xiney

Quackles wrote: »

I have a friend who lost a baby at 33 weeks gestation. She has photos of herself and her husband and family cradling the baby, the baby dressed up, etc. It brings her a lot of comfort. I know that's a little different, she has no photos of her baby alive, just the stillborn ones. Still, to each their own, whatever gets you through a horrific time. I wouldn't be taking photos of a funeral, but that's just me.

That is completely different from the OP where the baby was 10 months old and they posted 50 photos of the funeral on facebook. They probably had lots of photos of the baby alive and didn't need the photos of the baby lying dead.

MissMotivated

Well no the thread is about funerals on facebook and pictures of the people dead being displayed on facebook, the photos I saw were of a baby yes but I'm not specifically talking about miscarriages or even parents grieving, I'm just talking about pictures of the deceased being put on facebook and peoples opinions on it. I've edited my first post as this is not about babies in particular, I just can't understand how it would enter anyones head to take photos of their loved one dead and put them on facebook!

g'em

Indeed.

You didn't understand something so I explained it, I wasn't intending to labour a point. I don't know what it's like to lose a child, I can't even imagine the pain and grief it causes, all I can do is think about what I'd like and not like were I dead. I'm just looking at it from a different angle.

Xiney

akamossy wrote: »

Well I think the pictures are a bit much really, I don't think it's right to even take pictures at a funeral never mind post them online. But in regards to the tattoo I think that's a personal thing and if that's what they wanted to remember their child then I see no harm in it at all and I definitely don't think that it's making a public spectacle out of their childs death

She put it in a particularly visible place. On purpose, so people would ask her about it.

It's just the latest in a long list of attention/sympathy seeking moves by a pathological liar, as well... you'd have to know her to understand where I'm coming from I guess.


(This is the same girl who told everyone at her school that her stepfather had abused me sexually... so I feel particularly qualified to call her a liar)

pollypocket10

Xiney wrote: »

I don't think it was a particularly personal way of dealing with it, is the point.

What is public about a tattoo? TBH honest, the ":rolleyes:" you used in your original post tells me enough about your attitude.

pollypocket10

Xiney wrote: »

so people would ask her about it.

Maybe she feels this is a way of making sure that the life that was lost will be remembered. What exactly is wrong with that?

Ickle Magoo

Xiney wrote: »

g'em is saying posting pictures of a dead person takes away the possibility of consent from that person, since they're dead. I'd imagine if you asked almost anyone, "if you die tomorrow can I take photos of you and post them on the internet" they'd tell you where to go.

I'm sure if you asked some people if they wanted the religious ceremony their parents will give them regardless of their own beliefs, the open casket at the wake they get or that their next of kin refuse the organ donation they would have wanted they would also tell you where to go. The bottom line is they are dead and it's the living that decide how to deal with that.

A parent grieving for a young baby is slightly different to someone who has lived a full and varied life, I know a mother who lost a young baby. She often speaks about walking around feeling like their child was never here and so quickly forgotten & she has a website for her wee one that her whole family posts on and leaves messages for the baby. I can understand that & respect her decision, even if it's not the one I think I would make. I think out of complete ignorance of their situation, accusing these parents of being disrespectful or mawkish somehow when in reality the opposite is true & they are utterly distraught is completely disingenuous - and pretty nasty to boot.