Sex in a relationship; is it important to you?

Madame Razz

Is sex important to you in a relationship; or is it a subjective thing?

Was out last night and this became the topic of discussion. I was very interested by the variety of responses; with some thinking that it was extremely important and other thinking that other stuff took more precedence; that stuff being being able to sit in the same room together and not say anything yet be comfortable with each other, enjoying the more practical aspects of a relationship together, and being affectionate, but not necessarily sexual. Some believed that the 'little things' were far more important for the general health and closeness of the relationship than the sexual element. It was an intriguing conversation and amazing to see the variance and difference in response; even from people whom were in relationships with each other.

Thoughts?

Nevyn

Different stroke for different folks.
The sex life of a couple will have it's ups and down as well as separate ups and downs of each person's libido but personally while I can and do understand circumstances and issues getting in the way but if the desire isn't there (even if twarthed say by flu) and not expressed then there would be something very wrong.

candy-gal1

I would definitly say it would be a 50/50 thing where both aspects are equally as important as each other. Imho, If the sex is good then you have a connection and you both can talk about intimate things between you, and if your close and can talk about ANYTHING together and feel comfortable together always then the sex will be good. So the best thing is to have both the great sex and the closeness and intimacy in equal amounts tbh.

Thats just my opinion on how I see it though.

Faith

I'd consider it extremely important. A relationship without sex is a friendship. I've plenty of friends who I can sit in comfortable silence with, and the difference between them and a boyfriend is that there's no sex involved with friends.

I consider all sexual behaviours (from as simple as kissing) to be crucial for a relationship to be successful.

violetblue

I think sex is really important, just as affection and general behaviour.

I think its fairly well accepted that women especially respond to affection, which in turn leads to sex.

Speaking as a woman - there is nothing worse than being ignored all day and for himself to suddenly remember you exist aroun 11pm when getting the itch.

Ickle Magoo

I consider sex as a vital aspect to any relationship and something that differentiates between partnership and friendship. I couldn't be happy in a sexless relationship. In saying that, I don't think it's more important that being able to talk, feeling comfortable, getting on in general but I certainly wouldn't settle for a relationship that had all those and no/little/bad sex. I need to have all of those qualities as well as a good sex life to consider it a worthwhile relationship. :cool:

Madame Razz

I'd have to agree with you Ickle Magoo; I was just amazed to see such a variety of opinions on the subject.

Dudess

Very much with Faith and Ickle. I'm a very sexual person yet not particularly into casual sex, so within a relationship, it means a major amount to me.

Baggly

Dudess wrote: »

Very much with Faith and Ickle. I'm a very sexual person yet not particularly into casual sex, so within a relationship, it means a major amount to me.

+1.

This post seems to sum up my opinions on the matter nicely.

Good passionate enjoyable sex within a relationship is very important. Kissing is very important. I dont think i could be in a relationship with someone who didnt agree. Plus i dont think anyone should be making a choice between sex and all the other stuff thats important in a relationship. Its all important, is it not?

Dudess

Even just lying close together and not doing much else can be one of the nicest, most awesomest, most intimate things.

Baggly

Playing footsie while lying down rawks

Catari Jaguar

Faith wrote: »

I'd consider it extremely important. A relationship without sex is a friendship. I've plenty of friends who I can sit in comfortable silence with, and the difference between them and a boyfriend is that there's no sex involved with friends.

I consider all sexual behaviours (from as simple as kissing) to be crucial for a relationship to be successful.

I 100% disagree with this post.

There's a huge leap from saying that kissing = sex.

Teenagers have the most intense, heart breaking, magical love possible. (I'm sure everyone remembers being absolutely head over heels even if it was for only a couple of months) but not all teens have sex in these relationships because they might not feel ready.

One of my friends was with her boyf for 4 years and he was in his 20s but lived at home in a very very strict Catholic home. They had to stay in separate beds and they never had sex and only once or twice she tried oral but they weren't just friends. He was ready to marry her but they've since broken up. She then had a FB who definielty wasn't her boyf - just using him to pass the time as a rebound.

To me, the difference between friends and a boyf is not sex. It's being in love. I'm not IN LOVE with my friends. Also any boy that I was knocking a round with as a teen was not my boyf - he was a casual score.

Sex yea, is important but not the be all and end all. I had a very high sex drive early in my relationship but my implanon has pretty much killed it. I just don't feel horny and it makes me feel like a bad girlfriend but to be for it to be implied that we're just friends when we go through dry spells is really hurtful.

Baggly

cherub rock wrote: »

I just don't feel horny and it makes me feel like a bad girlfriend but to be for it to be implied that we're just friends when we go through dry spells is really hurtful.

I dont think anyone is implying that....we are stating our own personal views and preferences on the issue....


Faith did use the first person (I consider, i think etc) in her post...

G86

I think above all it's important to feel wanted, that might not always necessarily mean sex - but a physical connection is just as important as an emotional one.

Faith

cherub rock wrote: »

Sex yea, is important but not the be all and end all. I had a very high sex drive early in my relationship but my implanon has pretty much killed it. I just don't feel horny and it makes me feel like a bad girlfriend but to be for it to be implied that we're just friends when we go through dry spells is really hurtful.

That's completely different from what I'm saying. You said yourself that sex is important - that's exactly what I was saying. Going through a dry patch due to hormonally-induced lack of sex drive is not the same as thinking sex is unimportant in a relationship.

With friends, sex isn't just not important, it's not even on the cards. But in a relationship, sex is important and it's important to have it. Of course every relationship goes through dry patches for multitudes of reasons - that doesn't mean you're suddenly just friends.

Apologies if you found my post hurtful, but tbh you interpreted it how you wanted to, not how it was meant.

Catari Jaguar

Faith wrote: »

Apologies if you found my post hurtful, but tbh you interpreted it how you wanted to, not how it was meant.

Kind of hard to interpret

A relationship without sex is a friendship

any other way... And it got nine thanks so looks like that's the general consensus in here and ickle magoos comment afterwards is pretty similar if not a little more extreme. But yeah I probably did misinterpret it. No harm done.

Faith

I meant a relationship with no sex is a friendship, not that a relationship that goes through dry patches automatically becomes just a friendship .

I also said that I consider all sexual behaviours to be important - so even if you're not having intercourse, if you're still kissing, having oral or whatever there's still sexual behaviours taking place thus you still have a sexual relationship.

boudy

of course its important, i can't see why people would think that its not! If there is no sex then people will get bored and maybe possibly stray, a real connection would be very hard to get without it in my opinion...

princess-lala

Yes its a very important part of a relationship but not the main part! You can be intimate with your partner without sex!

Xiney

it's important, yes.

But I do find that the emotional health of the relationship is more important. As long as dialogue is open, a lack of sex could be worked through, imo.

Ickle Magoo

cherub rock wrote: »

Kind of hard to interpret any other way... And it got nine thanks so looks like that's the general consensus in here and ickle magoos comment afterwards is pretty similar if not a little more extreme. But yeah I probably did misinterpret it. No harm done.

My post contained no less than five I's, at no time did I generalise or make a generic statement...you are clearly sensitive about this topic but there is no need to project your own sensitivities on posts that blatantly obviously aren't referring to anyone but its author. Whether others wish to live with no sex, dry spells, whatever is up to them - as my choices with regards to how much and how good the sex in my life is up to me.

Boxoffrogs

Cherub Rock, I don't think anyone meant to cause you offence. The question was, Sex in a relationship; is it important to you? and I just about everyone here has answered for themselves.

Sex is mighty important to me because it's a large part of how I express myself, some people are much better at communicating in other ways and the sexual element to the relationship may not be so important. Horses for courses really:)

Wibbs

Maybe its the male in me, but I'd put it very high up. Pretty much equal with the emotional aspect. One suffers and the other suffers I have found. I'd need some physical intimacy on a pretty much daily basis. Not full sex, not even half sex() but some physical contact that came from her and me. TBH if it wasnt there for any length of time or I felt I was always the one begging/making the the first moves I'd ask questions. If the answers weren't valid for me I'd probably bail. I have once before in just such a situation. I've known too many men and women in physical intimacy free zones who felt very emotionally as well as sexually frustrated by it.

It varies with individuals though. Men as well as women. I know men who would be happy enough with sex once a month with PG rated intimacy the rest of the time as well as women that would need it every other day. I'm talking real long term stuff here. The madness at the start is no real indication.

As for the diff between love and in love? In my humble the latter is all about reproduction. That's its very purpose. I have women mates I love, but the sexual attraction bit is missing so Im not in love with them. Taking cherub rock's examples of teenage love being very intense. I agree 100% and the couple are in love but the sexual aspect is very much to the fore. Like I say I love my mates, but Im not gonna kiss them and hold hands. My male mates reading this are even more relieved than my female mates, if such were possible. The strict religious example is just a case of the sexual aspect being blocked by outside forces(scarily I know of two Irish men who were that guys twin with regard to this stuff). If they had been on a holiday together they would have been at it like rabbits and certainly wouldnt have been in separate beds.

Of course FB situations aren't in love relationships either. They're itch scratchers. You can even get FB's who are actual mates, but they often get complicated simply because the emotional and sexual is in the mix together and one gets the in love feelings.

GirlOfGlass

I think sex is pretty important for a healthy relationship, along with other aspects.
As most of the people have mentioned here - a relationship without sex is basically a friendship.
If I didn't have sex for a good while with my OH I'd feel much more distant from them.

Asphyxia

Faith wrote: »

I'd consider it extremely important. A relationship without sex is a friendship. I've plenty of friends who I can sit in comfortable silence with, and the difference between them and a boyfriend is that there's no sex involved with friends.

I totally agree I think it is important, it is a way that two people in a relationship can fully express how they feel about eachother it's sounds pretty cliche but sex makes two people into one! Even the nice cuddle afterwards is so intense, just lying in eachothers arms and falling asleep together it's amazing.

shellyboo

I don't think you can have a healthy relationship without a healthy sex life. Of course, "healthy" has different meanings to each individual. But unless both parties are happy with the sex aspect, it undermines and eats away at the emotional aspect. Sex is a basic need, it can't be overwritten or suppressed. You couldn't have a fulfilling relationship if you were starved of food (you'd be cranky, confused and angry)... I think lack of sex has similar (but obviiously much less life-threatening :P) effects on mentality.

It all comes down to compatibilty. You just need to be with someone who's on the same page sexually. Otherwise, sex becomes An Issue. And it never should be -- it's supposed to be the fun bit

seenitall

Pocketfizz wrote: »

I totally agree I think it is important, it is a way that two people in a relationship can fully express how they feel about eachother it's sounds pretty cliche but sex makes two people into one! Even the nice cuddle afterwards is so intense, just lying in eachothers arms and falling asleep together it's amazing.

I have never as yet felt like that about sex in my life! It's a lovely notion, very romantic, has anyone else felt they were one with their OH during sex? I must have been born all non-romantic and separate and cynical...

Back to topic, yes, this is something that is very individual, and not just to different people but to different relationships as well. Because there will be degrees of attraction that I would have felt with my exes, and depending on how much I liked them, how much or how often I would want to jump them would be in proportion to that. And this is just saying it roughly, cos there would have been times where the more I would get to know the guy, the less I fancied him as a rounded person or whatever BUT the sex with him would still be my cup of tea... hehe. And vice versa, you can also have a so-so sex life with somebody, but have a good emotional closeness factor there, I think.

In short, anything goes. And never say never!

shellyboo

seenitall wrote: »

I have never as yet felt like that about sex in my life! It's a lovely notion, very romantic, has anyone else felt they were one with their OH during sex? I must have been born all non-romantic and separate and cynical...

Honestly? When I'm in bed with my partner, there's nothing else in the whole wide world except him, us...

Jenneke87

To me it isn´t, but that because sex is very painful for me 5 days of pain and bleeding just isn´t worth half an hour of fun to me. It´s also the reason why I don´t do boyfriends. They never stick around for too long...

seenitall

shellyboo wrote: »

Honestly? When I'm in bed with my partner, there's nothing else in the whole wide world except him, us...

That's lovely, although to be a bit technical, that wasn't exactly what I asked.

Jenneke, I think it is worth looking into why intercourse is so painful for you, if you haven't already. As you have said yourself, men don't tend to stick around unless sex is par for the course, and surely you would want to have a nice complete relationship one day even for your own sake, not just the man's. (I am saying this because I do understand that, first of all, you can't really miss something that is painful for you, and, secondly, that once you get into the habit of associating "sex" and "painful", it is damnably difficult to make yourself think any other way. - But the nature of the beast is that it is better to face these things and try to resolve them than not. Trust me on this. )

LittleBook

seenitall wrote: »

has anyone else felt they were one with their OH during sex?

Absolutely, and not just "during"

seenitall wrote: »

I have never as yet felt like that about sex in my life! ... I must have been born all non-romantic and separate and cynical...

But I had a lo-ot of sex before I realised it could be this way ... focus on the "as yet" part

um7y1h83ge06nx

Jenneke87 wrote: »

To me it isn´t, but that because sex is very painful for me 5 days of pain and bleeding just isn´t worth half an hour of fun to me. It´s also the reason why I don´t do boyfriends. They never stick around for too long...

Not telling you your business but you should really get that checked out by a medical professional. Be a shame to deny yourself pleasurable sexual experiences and having full relationship.

um7y1h83ge06nx

I think sex is incredibly important. I like it and it allows you to have a deeper, more fulfilling relationship with the other person. I couldn't imagine being in a relationship without sex.

On a related topic, I was talking to a girl recently (mid 20's) and her opinions on sex sort of shocked me to some extent.

She believes that the vast majority of women don't have much interest in sex (her opinion and those of her friends) and even when they do have sex that their mind is detached from the physcial experience, with many women thinking over problems and issues they have while having sex. She even knows a girl that came up with a solution to some work problem she had during sex, stopped everything and went to find a pen and paper to write it down! :eek: Poor guy!

She also had the old fashioned opinion that guys only think with either their penis or brain, not both at the same time. I said that that was absurd and can be totally dis-proven with cases of physcological erectile dysfunction.

She asked me could I resist my physical sexual urges all the time if I had to. I said I could if I really wanted to but why would I. She also believes that women just "give in" to keep guys happen, saying lots of her friends support this view too.

By the end of this conversation I was both a little depressed and 100% turned off! The scary thing was she was completely definite in this thinking and believed that the examples I gave of women saying they really enjoyed having sex with me was just lies on their behalf to keep me happy and tell me what I wanted to hear!

By the way I think what she said was complete BS, unless the women I've been with have been potential future Oscar winners!

Any opinions on this?

banshee_bones

Tristian Straight Rancor wrote: »

She believes that the vast majority of women don't have much interest in sex (her opinion and those of her friends) and even when they do have sex that their mind is detached from the physcial experience, with many women thinking over problems and issues they have while having sex. She even knows a girl that came up with a solution to some work problem she had during sex, stopped everything and went to find a pen and paper to write it down! :eek: Poor guy!
She also believes that women just "give in" to keep guys happen, saying lots of her friends support this view too.The scary thing was she was completely definite in this thinking and believed that the examples I gave of women saying they really enjoyed having sex with me was just lies on their behalf to keep me happy and tell me what I wanted to hear!

I think what she said was complete Bs

Yeah so do I tbh.

Malari

Jenneke87 wrote: »

To me it isn´t, but that because sex is very painful for me 5 days of pain and bleeding just isn´t worth half an hour of fun to me. It´s also the reason why I don´t do boyfriends. They never stick around for too long...

I didn't read that properly the first time around, I thought you were referring to your period!

You should definitely talk to the GP about that. Any kind of abnormal bleeding may as well be careful and get it checked. The half hour (?! ) of fun should at least be worth a chat to the doctor.

um7y1h83ge06nx

banshee_bones wrote: »

Yeah so do I tbh.

Yeah. She's entitled to her opinion but what annoyed me was how she went crazy with generalisations which are incorrect i.e. the vast majority of women don't enjoy sex and men are uncontrollable sex maniacs that have no emotional connections with women when having sex as they are only thinking with their pernises.

That sort of thinking is damaging for both sexes and sort of drags women back to the old days. If I didn't know any better I would think she was a virgin and so was speaking from theory not practice (she has a child).

Relating it to this thread, we have actually went on a few dates. She's a nice girl but I'm afraid how she regards sex and how I regard it are so vastly different, I couldn't imagine getting into a relationship with her. Would be hard having sex with a woman if she's just "giving in" to me and is trying to solve some difficult work problem while I'm having sex with her.

Again, it's her opinion and that's fair enough, it's the very certain generalisations she had which annoyed me.

Madame Razz

She told you all of this on a date:eek:

Sweet God:eek:

Malari

Tristian Straight Rancor wrote: »

Yeah. She's entitled to her opinion but what annoyed me was how she went crazy with generalisations which are incorrect i.e. the vast majority of women don't enjoy sex and men are uncontrollable sex maniacs that have no emotional connections with women when having sex as they are only thinking with their pernises.

I'm sure she speaks for some women, but certainly not all women! What a crazy idea. That's not to say women wouldn't get a kick out of pleasing their partner, but to state that's the only reason all women have sex is just wrong.

jimmycrackcorm

From a male perspective, I think that without sex you'd get better companionship from a dog. Might just apply to married folk though.

um7y1h83ge06nx

Sue Ellen Ewing wrote: »

She told you all of this on a date:eek:

Sweet God:eek:

Yeah, interesting times!

The strange thing is that she has had relationships before, the last one about 2 years in duration. Surely you would think that guy would have figured this stuff out.

I would HATE if I had sex with a girl and she wasn't feeling it, would be an extreme turn-off.

K_user

Saw this topic on the main page and thought I’d drop in my two cents…

The OP asks the question whether Sex is important in a relationship or not. I believe that it is no more important than the many other facets that make a couple work. For example is talking, both chit-chat and serious communication, important? Yes. But both have their time and place. Both partners have to be on the same wave length and understand the “rules” of what is being expressed. For example if the woman is having a wardrobe crisis, then jokes about her waistline are not going to go down well - not they ever do!

I have been in the same relationship for 17 years, half my life. We have two kids and a home. Are we happy? We have our ups and downs like everyone else. Is there anyone else I’d rather spend an evening drinking tea and watching junk TV with? No. The reason being that we are friends first. If there is a problem between us I find it effects everything else in my life. She is both my wife and my life - if that makes sense?

Now our sex life has never set the world on fire. There has been times that it has been non-existent. And there is no denying that my personal drive is far higher, least on an instant gratification level, than hers. That is to say that I can suddenly get the “urge”, while she would be a more time/place/relaxed/in the mood person. Now it took me a long time to come to terms with this and I’ve come to accept our differences.

But its no different than accepting that we have different dietary needs, that I enjoy a good action movie, while she does like the occasional chick-flick. And that choosing the right restaurant and varying what we watch in the cinema keeps us both happy.

Sex in a relationship, like everything else, is something that has to be worked on. It changes as time passes, just like you do. What you do in your early 20’s with someone that you’ve just started going out with, has no relevance to what you do in your 30’s with someone that you’ve lived with for over a decade.

Lose the chit-chat in a relationship and you will stop being friends, lose the sex then you will only be friends. But the chit-chat and the sex will always be there if you understand each other.



As for miss “detached from the physcial experience” and the idea that women don’t don't have much interest in sex? WALOB!

Wibbs

Sue Ellen Ewing wrote: »

She told you all of this on a date:eek:

Sweet God:eek:

I've heard similar, not on a date though. Talk about her letting a potential partner know the score up front. Which to be fair is a good thing, as many dont. I've been in a couple of short termers where the distinct impression was she was "letting me do it to her". Didnt last long. Its not just one way either as Ive known women who've been in long termers where the guy went off the whole thing soon enough into it, or was never that pushed in the first place. That's a lot more common than people realise IMHO. Indeed I've known more women than men who were sexually/emotionally frustrated a few years in than the other way around. Society has this expectation that men are the ones always looking for that aspect.

seenitall

jimmycrackcorm wrote: »

From a male perspective, I think that without sex you'd get better companionship from a dog. Might just apply to married folk though.

The other day, I wrote on a PI thread that most guys "love" with their dicks, to which one guy reacted negatively. I wish he was around and reading the above now.

Assets Model

banshee_bones wrote: »

Yeah so do I tbh.

Well it certainly is by me too.

Joey the lips

I once heard an expression that describes sex importance lin terms of time.

If you dont have sex for 3 days....meh...

if you dont have sex for 3 months.... Hold on..whats up here.

If you dont have sex for 3 years.... you should have a friend not a lover.

Having said that if medically my other half developed a medical inability to have sex it would hurt me but i would find it difficult to end the relationship because she is much much more.

Pembily

Towards the end of my last relationship (4 years) I was very very uninteresteded in sex due to a new fecking pill that drove me nuts and stress from college and being in the relationship where I wasn't 100% happy!!! I would have sex to feel intimate with him and cos I knew it was what he wanted, I tried for him as he tried for me!!!

As to women not enjoying it and being disassociated with it, that is the worst generalisation ever... If I am very stressed my mind is not fully on it in the beginning but when I get into it my mind is only on me and whomever is in the room and what we are doing!!

I definately, I think, in my opinion (I have a high sex drive) that sex and intimacy in a relationship are both very important!!!

Elmer Blooker

seenitall wrote: »

The other day, I wrote on a PI thread that most guys "love" with their dicks, to which one guy reacted negatively. I wish he was around and reading the above now.

HA HA! hilarious, guys only think with their dicks!
All those romantic poets like Keats, Wordsworth, Shelly, Byron etc certainly were thinking with their dicks when they wrote all that beautiful poetry.
All the composers of those romantic operas and ballets were men too weren't they?
They sure could think with their dicks!

seenitall

Elmer Blooker wrote: »

HA HA! hilarious, guys only think with their dicks!
All those romantic poets like Keats, Wordsworth, Shelly, Byron etc certainly were thinking with their dicks when they wrote all that beautiful poetry.
All the composers of those romantic operas and ballets were men too weren't they?
They sure could think with their dicks!

1. I said: Most guys "love" with their dicks, NOT guys only think with their dicks. Notice the difference? If you are going to get indignant over something, makes sense to read it properly.
2. I will grant you this, what I should have written is, Most guys nowadays "love" with their dicks. There, fixed. (Although this is a highly debatable point as well. I mean, being "romantic" is one thing, but Byron's personal life was less than exemplary in that respect (artisitic temperament and all that...;)).
3. You chose to react to my post in the way you did, but not a peep as to the post, highly offensive to women, which brought about and perfectly illustrates my comment in the first place (by jimmycraccorm). Maybe you should take it up with him?
4. Methinks the lad doth protest too much!

Dublin_Gunner

I personally consider sex as being very important in a relationship, the intimacy of it, and especially knowing its something that both of you enjoy is irreplaceable with any other act.

Saying that, there are many other area's of a relationship that need to be satisfied - trust, companionship, conversation, problem solving, emotional support, the love of merely being around one another etc

If all of these are working well, then the relationship as a whole has a much better chance of survival.

I suppose you could think of a relationship as being like an engine - when all parts are working in harmony, it is a functional thing of beauty. But it only takes one part of that engine to break, and the rest can't work properly.

So how important is it? Well, thats particularly subjective.

I've had relationships where we were like bunny's for a year. Notice the past tense.

In my current relationship, we're not like bunnies, though we do have regular, great sex. But everything else works too. Even when things go bad, its worked through, and things are great again. If you don;t have ups and downs, there's something wrong.

We now have a baby, live together and have everything we'd ever want from our relationship, and give everything the other could ever need.

And most of all, we're happy. Is it entirely down to sex? Nope. But it is required for 'us' to work.

magneticimpulse

I dont consider sex to be important

ibarelycare

It kinda worries me how important I consider sex in a relationship, because I'd put it above most other things. I think it's probably because I recently came out of a 2 year relationship in which we had a fantastic emotional connection but we just weren't sexually compatible at all.

I've been with people where I've got to know them, built up a good connection with them and then found out that the sex has been bland and even though I really like them in every other way, disappointing sex would just completely turn me off them. I've also been with people where it started out as purely a physical thing, then as we've gotten to know each other I've realised that we don't really click. To be honest, I'd be more inclined to stay in the latter situation for longer than the former

I do believe when there's a good sexual connection between two people that it definitely makes other aspects of their relationship better. The thought of a sexless/boring sex/once in a while type of relationship depresses me because I've been in that situation before and it's horrible!