Missing my Dad

LegacyUser

Exactly what the title says, I'm missing my Dad. It's coming up to his 6 month anniversary soon and I still am finding that I get tearful often.

The thing is, I'm the first of my friends that have lost a parent and I don't feel that I can talk to them about it. If I mention him (not in a sad way, but in passing), its met with silence. They obviously don't know what to say, which I can understand, but if I'm honest, I don't think (some of them) are able to cope with or want to hear about my grief.

I recently went away with a group of girls for a weekend, not really knowing any of them, and one of the girls had lost her father the previous year. I was good to be able to talk to someone who understands what I am going through, and for her it was the same. Its been especially hard as I moved country a few months before he died and don't have the same network of friends I used to, and also my partner and I finally broke up 2 weeks ago (we should have finished much sooner) and I'm feeling really quite alone and missing my Dad even more now.

I'm finding that I forget he's dead. And then when I remember I get sad/angry with my mind for bringing me back to reality.

I wonder, is this normal?

hotspur147

hi op,
i very sorry for your loss.my dad died 3 years ago and i felt the same way,had to go to my g.p. i just couldn't function.
there's no time limit with the grieving process i'm afraid.my doctor said it could take 6 months to 2 years to get to a place where i can remember him without getting upset.it took me about a year to get fully over it but everyones thoughts and feelings are there own and hopefully you can recover quicker than me.
you should try googling "the 7 stages of bereavement"i found it very helpfull and related to almost all the stages.
again i'm sorry for your loss but belive me it does get better with time.

dollydimples82

Missing my Dad wrote: »

I wonder, is this normal?

Unfortunately nothing is normal where grief is concerned. Firstly, i am sorry for your loss, my brother died 9 years ago and I was the first of my friends to lose someone that close. I couldnt talk to any of them and felt that they didnt understand. Its good to have someone who knows what its like.

There are times when i think i should tell my brother somethin or that he would love this, i see people in a shop and think its him until he turns around. Somethin people say remind you of him. This is normal! When someone is a part of your life for such a long time there are times when you wish they were here, times when you pray to them, times when you laugh/cry about stuff you did with them, times when you forget they are gone. I like to believe they are not gone, there just in a different place and watching over us.

This probably sounds daft, but i feel that my brother is helping me and keeping me safe. Dont be so hard on your self your dad is only 6 months gone, you still have a lot of adjusting to do.

carolinespring

My dad died in 98 and I still miss him so much. I have never got over his death and dont think I ever will. I still feel so sad, angry and lost at times. it has got a little easier as the years have gone on but as it comes up to the time of his anv each year I fall apart. For 2 weeks I am a basket case.
Just try and talk about him as much as you can and share the good memories with family and friends. Let your close friends know that you want to talk about him. Sometimes people dont know what to say to you so they go silent. Be kind to yourself and dont force yourself to be happy when you feel down, also I found writing a diary and also letters to dad really help.

axel rose

I'm so sorry that you feel so alone. I can really second what caroline said about keeping a diary. Clearly your dad was a lovely person with some very interesting stories attached to him.

When my husband died our son was only 15 months old. The sad reality is that he will have no memories of his dad. It broke my heart to think that he would never know what he is missing so I bought a hard backed copy and started writing.

I would love to say that it is wonderful prose but the fact is I'm mammy not Oscar Wilde! I just write about how we met, his proposal, the wedding, the little things he did that showed him to be the kindest man on earth, the things he hated (scumbags with hoodies!!). Some ramblings and some stories, but I think you get the idea.

Some days I cried for hours after writing in it but overall I found it very cathartic and while my son wont miss him, he will at least have a fair idea of who his dad was and that he loved him very much.

LegacyUser

Thanks everyone.

So sorry for everyone's loss. Grief is such a sad and lonely place to be. I really felt that I wasn't dealing with my sadness, because I've asked my siblings how they are doing and they say they don't have time to feel sad (they all had multiple children to look after). But now I know that this is what grief is.

Part of me doesn't or can't understand that he'd dead, that he's not in the house waiting for me when I come home, sitting his his chair, smiling. I know I'm lucky, we did fight (we were very similar) as bad as it may seem, I was his favourite and I knew he loved me. In fact, our last conversation was him telling me how good it was to hear my voice, how much he missed me and how much he loved me (he had a heart attack a few days later and died). I just really hope he knew how much I loved him. My biggest fear is that he died without knowing how much he was loved. I did tell him, but he was quite deaf, so I don't know if he heard. I really hope he did.

metrovelvet

axel rose wrote: »

I'm so sorry that you feel so alone. I can really second what caroline said about keeping a diary. Clearly your dad was a lovely person with some very interesting stories attached to him.

When my husband died our son was only 15 months old. The sad reality is that he will have no memories of his dad. It broke my heart to think that he would never know what he is missing so I bought a hard backed copy and started writing.

I would love to say that it is wonderful prose but the fact is I'm mammy not Oscar Wilde! I just write about how we met, his proposal, the wedding, the little things he did that showed him to be the kindest man on earth, the things he hated (scumbags with hoodies!!). Some ramblings and some stories, but I think you get the idea.

Some days I cried for hours after writing in it but overall I found it very cathartic and while my son wont miss him, he will at least have a fair idea of who his dad was and that he loved him very much.

That is a really lovely thing you are doing for you son. What a great idea. ANd good for you too, so you dont forget.

My dad died 13 years ago. ANd you start to forget things and it makes it much worse. You lose them again a little.

BTW OP its totally normal to sometimes forget they are dead, especially so early into the grief. I still do it once in a while, and then I remember. Its like a tidal wave of the hurt all over again and then it washes away.

dublingal80

hi op
my dads 1st anniversay is only a couple of weeks away and it still feels like it only happened yesterday. my best friend doesnt get it at all and never asks me how im doing which hurts but she will never understand until it happens to her, unfrtunately

dollydimples82

Missing my Dad wrote: »

I just really hope he knew how much I loved him. My biggest fear is that he died without knowing how much he was loved. I did tell him, but he was quite deaf, so I don't know if he heard. I really hope he did.

I am sure your dad knew exactly how much you loved him, when someone close to you dies, you remember all the horrible things you said to them, wondering if they knew you didnt mean them and if they knew that you loved them, i think its a way of grievin.

Losing a family member will always leave a void, i miss my brother a lot at special occassions, wonder what he would say to me about a new car i bought, or the football on tv! I sometimes wonder what he would be doing now, work, married, kids. I will always wish he was here.

LoanShark

Hi OP..

Sorry for you loss..My Dad died 5 years ago and it still hurts when I think about him..
But as people always say time is a great healer (corny as it sounds, it is infact the truth..)

For me I made a point of picking a date in my head (a random date) and said "Right from that point onwards, I will move on with my life.." I allowed myself to grieve in full until that point and on the day I changed the way I thought about life and my fathers passing..I know he is always with me, and always looking out for me, But I can't let his passing become a controlling element of my life..

Unfortunately, The happiest times in your life, will also become the saddest times in your life you will always think 'Dad should be here' and you'll always look over your shoulder for his reasuring nod..But sadly he wont be there..But in your heart and your mind he'll always be there..

LilMsss

My Dad died on the 6th July last year, and it has been the strangest year I've ever had. He had lung cancer and emphysema and we knew he was dying for a year beforehand.

It does get easier but happens in stages. I come from a big family and my brothers and sister have all dealt with it in different ways. My brothers don't talk about it and didn't cry (at least not in front of me). I didn't cry when my Dad was dying, but couldn't stop for the first 8 months after he died ... in work, on the bus, driving, on my own, when I'd see an ad for a film or TV series that would remind me of him.

And even with all of that raw emotion in the first few months, it still didn't seem like he'd gone anywhere. It was like he was on an extended holiday and would be back any day. The past few months have been easier - I hardly cry about it anymore and can function in most areas of my life, but it's only now that I'm starting to miss him, cos I know he's never coming back and I'll never be able to talk to him or see him again, and that leads on to a different stage of grief.

It's different for everyone but whatever you're feeling is perfectly normal. It's sometimes easier to talk to a stranger about it than those closer to you.

Orlee

My dad died in 96 when I was only 14. It's funny how after all this time I sometimes think for a split second that he's still around! I'll see something in a shop that I think he'd like and then remember that he's gone.

It can be difficult with friends who haven't experienced what you have - they don't know what to say. I think it makes people uncomfortable and they'd rather not deal with it. It's nothing personal and I can kind of understand where they are coming from.

I got a lot of "time heals all wounds" and remember thinking "What the hell do you know!" but it's true. It gets easier with time to think about the person and not be so sad or angry.

I'm glad this forum is here ... at least you (and me!) can get some feelings out and get some feedback so you can work through it

tbh

your dad sounds like a lovely man OP. Tell us about him.

Orlee

Yeah OP ... we could do with an oul chinwag!!!

Amazotheamazing

Hi Op, I lost my father when I was 17 going on 18. I can honestly say it took me years to get over it as I tried to just get on with things.

It's ok to feel bad, it's ok to get teary. Don't ever feel it isn't.

There's an old proverb that I found oddly comforting, it may not be so for everyone, but it was for me, "You have to dig very deep to bury your father". It's true, to the extent that there's a part of the very deepest part of you that misses him, not just as a father but as the person who showed you absolute love and direction from your earliest age. As you grow older, you lose the child's view of your parents, but imo (and hey, I know nothing so I may be wrong) but deep down it's always in you.

Anyhow, I can't say when you will feel better, but just let yourself feel your grief for as long as you need to.

LegacyUser

Hi everyone, thanks for your replies.

My Dad was from a different age. He married late in life, he was in his mid 50's when I was born. Old fashioned, yes, but not sexist. He truly believed women could be just as good as any man. He had a wicked sense of humour and was fiercely loyal to his family. He had a strong intellect and always encouraged us to broaden our minds and think for ourselves.

However much he loved his children and grandchildren, his wife, my mother was the person he was most loyal too. He quite simply adored her. They fought, had spats (quite often), but throughout it all, he never betrayed her by giving out about her to anyone else. For that I admire him the most.

I found out the other day that he'd had a few minor heart attacks and he never told anyone. He knew he was dying, but didn't want us to worry or create a fuss. He'd prepared for it by leaving everything in order, so there was minimal amounts for us to do.

The tributes from neighbours and friends has been that he was one of the last true gentlemen. There's a poem by Rudyard Kipling called If. That's how I'd describe him, that's how he lived his life



IF.....

IF you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you,
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,
But make allowance for their doubting too;
If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
Or being lied about, don't deal in lies,
Or being hated, don't give way to hating,
And yet don't look too good, nor talk too wise:

If you can dream - and not make dreams your master;
If you can think - and not make thoughts your aim;
If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster
And treat those two impostors just the same;
If you can bear to hear the truth you've spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken,
And stoop and build 'em up with worn-out tools:

If you can make one heap of all your winnings
And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings
And never breathe a word about your loss;
If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve your turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Except the Will which says to them: 'Hold on!'

If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
' Or walk with Kings - nor lose the common touch,
if neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you,
If all men count with you, but none too much;
If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds' worth of distance run,
Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it,
And - which is more - you'll be a Man, my son!

tbh

Sounds like a dad you can be proud of op

axel rose

He sounds like a gentleman. You are right to be proud of him.

Kablamo!

My dad died 10 months ago.
I'm also the first of my friends to lose a parent, and it's a very lonely place to be. Sometimes when we're all sitting around talking and someone says something about their dad being so annoying or whatever, I feel like thumping them!
So many little things remind me of him, and I still burst into tears bout 3 times a day. Very privately though, I'm quite closed at showing emotions to others, which is stupid.
Long story short, grieve your way. There's no rules.

silverwatch

Hi OP

Really sorry for your loss. My Dad died ten years ago when I was 13. Wish I could say something that I know will comfort you but the reality is that everyone is different.

It's def normal for you to feel this way. Even a year from now or more. I cried myself to sleep most nights for nearly a year after he died. The second year got a little easier, as did every year after. You don't remember a much as the years go bye but you will never forget him. It's like someone else here said, you never bury your parents completely.

I guess the point I'm trying to make is that it takes a while to be comfortable with it, for it to be the norm I guess. I found having photos of him around was a great help, but again everyone is different.

Hope this helps, take care

michaelbuble

Hi all
Unfortunately I too lost my wonderful Dad 10 months ago. I often forget he is dead, and find myself picking up his favourite things in the Supermarket, and then I realise he is gone. He was only sick for a very short time, and had a very peaceful death with all his family around him. I dream about him a lot, and wake up on a tear soaked pillow. I feel so upset and angry because he is gone,and sometimes wish I was with him, which I know is awful because I am married and have a family. I miss him so much my lovely Dad.

LegacyUser

My dad died suddenly 2weeks ago.i&all my
Family were devasted! He was a great man&we all
got on great with him.
Just back to work this week& still not
really sure how I feel. Don't have the head to concentrate on work, to talk to anyone there or to be anyway patient with people who are talking crap/asking me silly qs.
Am just keeping quiet,spending as little time there as possible &hoping no-one comes near me.
Hard in the evenings to.have been just trying to distract myself,looking at photos of him etc.my husband has been brill bit I'm conscious of being constantly depressed around him as I know he's pretty upset about dad too.
Feels weird now coz everything here is going on as normal-but I know that in my world,everything has changed forever! Going home at weekend& scared how it'll feel coz he won't be there! Easier to be at home bit yet harder at the same time! Really hard to watch my mums heart breaking&to be strong for her.
Hate the thought that he won't be Around anymore.still can't believe it really.the wake,removal, funeral etc all seem like a big blur.
I know it hasn't really hit me yet-dreading when it does:-(

LegacyUser

Hi everyone

Thanks again for all your responses. Its his 6 month anniversary this weekend and I'm going home. As much as I love coming back to Ireland, gosh, how I hate walking in the front door of the house and he's not there. Mum is talking about headstones now - I can't even think about it, yet I know I have to help her with the decision.

Mctri - I'm am truly sorry for your loss. I know exactly how you feel. Grief hits you at the most inappropriate times. Take comfort in your family and husband. Cry when you need to. Its does get better, but it is a very difficult time. I can't really remember much about 3 months after he died. I focused on work a lot and cried a lot. Talk about your grief to your husband, that is what he is there for! He loves you, so will understand and want to be there for you.

I wish you all the best, take care

whitelightrider

My dad passed away on the 15th March this year. Dad was always healthy, never sick a day in the 32 years Id known him. Only time he was ever in hospital was to visit other people. My sis asked him to go to the doctor in January as he had lost some weight and she was worried. He went, and was sent for an x-ray. Results came back and there was a shadow there and the doc wanted him to get it checked. Nothing to worry about. I took the time off work and went with Dad to get the tests. I went with him to get the results. I sat at the side of the desk as the doctor told him that there was an abnormality in his lung and it was too large to operate. He had lung cancer. He was going to arrange for the chemo and radio in the same session. Dad didnt flinch. Barely blinked. I took it all in and crumbled on the inside. We walked out together and sat in the car. Longest walk of my life. I didnt even know what to say to him. How do I make him feel better? And all he wanted to do on the way home was to get dinner for Mam. We walked in the door at home and he broke the news to my mother and my sister and for the first time he broke down. Ill never forget it.
Dad was ready to fight. He was a grandad to his little angel and he wanted to be around for her growing up. That bond was and still is so amazingly close. Not a day goes by that she doesnt ask after him, and shes not even 3 yet. I took him to the other tests and it tore me up inside leaving him each time. But I was there again to pick him up. Only time I ever saw him upset was when he realised he couldnt go near his little grand daughter after the CT scan.

Anyway long story short we went for dinner for Mothers Day on the 14th March. It was an amazing day. We had such a laugh. I dropped Mam and Dad home and continued home myself. At 6.50am on Monday morning my mother called and asked me to call in on the way to work. I thought the TV was broke or NTL was down. The usual. When I got there she asked me to check on Dad. I walked into the bedroom and found my father had died in his sleep. I still dont know what I said when I called my brother in law to let my sister know. I dont know how I reacted when I found Dad. But he went on his own terms, asleep beside his wife. I just wanted him to wake up.

Its hard. Dad was my best friend. He spent every evening with me while we built my house. He painted it with me, inside and out. And we shared some amazing times doing it. Walking around the house I can still feel him. I miss him terribly.

Razorfish

My mum died in December 1998 (RTA) and my dad died in April 2005 (in sleep) and I miss them terribly. They were wonderful parents and cared for all of us deeply.

We didnt have the strength to do anything when my Dad died and have only got around to going through his house this week (five years later). It has brought up so much sadness and memories. I have really found this thread helpful tonight as I sit here and remember the good times in photos. Time is a great healer but I think I will always be sad.

My partner is expecting our first child in November and I hope I can be as good a parent as my parents were to me.

Many thanks

Mummy2girls

Hi Mctri,

I'm so sorry for your loss, I feel for you. My lovely Daddy died suddenly only 9 1/2 weeks ago. I'm still reeling from the shock. Just take one day at a time, thats all you can do. If you feel like its hitting you hard, just go with it, don't hold it in.

This is the first time I have ever lost anyone. Friends of mine have lost their parents but I suppose its one of those things where you think it'll never happen to you. I got a phone call on 12th May 2010 at 6.10pm from my sister to say that Daddy was dead. It was an absolute horror. He was found in his apt lying flat on the floor. He died alone and its gut wrenching to think that he lay there for a day before he was found. The shock has taken its toll on me physically and mentally. I have two young kids that I have to get up to every day and only for them, I'd wouldn't have gotten up at all. He was only 54. We still do not know what happened to him yet, thats going to take some time but first thoughts were a brain haemorrage. I did a eulogy at the funeral, I was adamant that I had to do it.

I've only dreamt about him once and it was 5 weeks after he died. As happy as I was that I'd finally dreamt about him, it was so clear, it was also a sad dream because I was saying goodbye. I love my Dad with all my heart and I now know what it is like to have a broken heart. He adored me too and the one thing that gets me through the day was how he knew how I felt about him, every time we spoke I told him I loved him, every single time, be it on the phone or in person, he knew I adored him. I'd give anything to have seen him just one more time, to hug him, hold his hand. A sudden death is beyond words, the horror, the pain is nearly too much to bear. All I could think was what did I say to him the last time I saw him or spoke to him on the phone. Some family members had actually fallen out with him a few weeks before he died and they are really suffering and even I don't know what to say to them.

He was the funiest, witiest man. Always had a good word to say about everyone and always making people laugh regardless of the situation.

My super, lovely, kind, funny, adored daddy.

A Goodbye

No farewells were spoken,
We did not say 'goodbye'
You were gone before we knew it,
And only God knows why,
You left us precious memories,
That made us laugh and cry,
But the love you planted in our hearts,
No millionaire can buy,
If tears could build a stairway,
And memories a lane,
I'd walk right up to Heaven,
And bring you home again...

Dude111

Im very sorry for your loss

We love our parents more than anyone and when they leave it hurts like crazy

Peace and love to you!

jayreddin

I lost my dad 2 years ago (3rd of march 08 to be exact) i'm 21 now but was 19 at the time, and I'm the 1st of all my friends to have lost a loved one let alone a parent. I felt so isolated and hurt as I had no one to turn and talk to, my friends kinda put it on the back burner or changed the subject went I brought the issue forward. The only regret I had, which I'v come to accept, was that as my dad was sick in I.C.U. I found out I was going to be a dad myself. I never got the chance to tell him to his face for his reaction and words of wisdom for the future. Thats all the past now. I no he's up there watching over me and my little princess. It was through opening up and talking to my mam that all became easier, she's a very wise woman I must say. Her advice was great, helped lots. Basically moral of my story is don't be afraid to open up, trust me it helps lots, There really is light at the end of the tunnel. Recently my friends dad died too, 3 weeks ago to be exact, and now he is turning to me and talk, and it feels great to give my advice and have a chat about it. Basically I personally think talking it past helps, it helped me and is doing the exact same to my friend. My dad was a great man and is sadly missed!!

strips.spots

hi all,

im a newbie to this so bare wit me! im also in the same boat as all of ye. i last my brother 2 years ago which is coming up soon, then 6 mts later my dad passed. They were both sick, my bro had cancer and went down hill pretty fast. my dad then was older man and just had a couple of things that come with age.

im just nearly 27 and all my family seems to be 'getting on with things'. but im just still loosing it! i feel like im slowly going mad every so often. im still crying and my partner wonders y am i crying now!!!

i still think im gona see them, and i get angry 2 with myself.

when is it ever gonna be n e easier?

misslooper

Hi All

My beautiful mother died recently from a terminal brain tumour /cancer. She was 49. Her month's mind mass is on this weekend. I don't know how to cope or grieve even. I'm the eldest of four children (and I'm only 24...the youngest is 13)
I find it especially hard to get by as I had to move to Dublin to start a degree course in college four days after the funeral. I don't know anyone in college and don't feel like talking to anyone either. I'm concerned about this though...don't want to make life more difficult for myself or let people think I'm a recluse (when generally i'm the total opposite!)
I'm at a loss..I really want to succeed in my studies but finding it difficult..any ideas or advice would be much appreciated.

Thank You

LegacyUser

Hi MissLooper.

I'm so sorry for your loss. You are exceptionally brave to go through what you are going through. I'm not sure what words of comfort to say. No-one will ever understand or feel your own pain, but be kind to yourself and let yourself have meltdowns and let yourself grieve. Perhaps you can work hard and get this degree in memory of your mother. I'm sure she would be so proud of you and what you are doing. When my Dad died, I threw myself into work, I'd just stared a new job and I found it helped to have something else to focus on. Don't get me wrong, I cried a lot (and I still do), but in my head I'm working hard so that my Dad would be proud of me and he doesn't have to worry about me any more.

If you have friends who understand, use them for support.

I wish you all the best.

LegacyUser

Hi

Back here again nearly 4 months later (shocking me now that it's that long ago when I counted up!). Still struggling along and finding some times harder than others. This week has been particularly sad - no reason, just finding that I'm thinking about him a lot and getting quite upset. I've just spent the last little while looking at a bit of a video of him just so I could hear his voice!
I have exams coming up just before Christmas so I'm supposed to be studying but my mind keeps getting distracted by thinking over everything! I guess that's why I'm finding it really tough at the moment - less time to keep my mind occupied by things I enjoy. But very worried about my studies because I'm not getting anything done.

I'm not finding it that easy to open up to people. Sometimes I can and that's ok but a lot of the time, its just not appropriate for me to be upset - like in the middle of a workday while sitting at my desk (have had a few of these recently) - tears just suddenly appear :-(
Even finding it a bit hard to talk to my family - not in a bad way but just I dont know what to say. Feeling bad for not being able to comfort my mom more - sometimes she tells me about her being upset or something and i just dont know what to say. Just feel like I cant say anything without getting really upset.....I really want to hear her and other people talking about him because I love to hear stories, anything really. Just wish......I don't know really :-(

It still shocks me when I think that I'll never see him again. Kind of expect him to call me or to walk through the door. That's the worst part - unbelievable - hard to get my head around that bit! All the talk everywhere now is turning to Christmas but for the first time ever I'm not looking forward to it at all. I just don't know how I and all my family are going to great through it.

I hope everyone else here is doing ok? I've friends who lost parents in the last few years and I've realised now how I never fully appreciated what they were going through - sorry about that.
Hard to get used to the fact that things will never be the same again.........but that's the way life goes, right?????

LegacyUser

I can't believe that it's been a year since that post and now he's gone 18 months ( he died on his half birthday)

I'm looking at photos of his last birthday and my eyes fill up and I cry my heart out.

I miss him so much. I feel his loss sometimes more than ever.

I just miss him. I miss my Dad.

I feel so alone without him, no one will ever love me like he did.

I hope he knew how much he was loved and how I'm doing my best so that his grandchildren (my nieces and nephews) remember him.

Is it always going to be like this?