House Share problems....Advice on being tactful!

Kimia

Denimgirl wrote: »

Well she did ask for advise on being tactful! It can cause an atmosphere in the house when being blunt,personally I'd use that as last resort.

I would say it tactfully - being passive agressive is not being tactful, it's just skirting around the issue and sidestepping it for fear of coming across too pushy.

I think the way Taltos said it was best. Straight out but then suggest something nice and fun so that he can see that there are no hard feelings.

Denimgirl

Kimia wrote: »

I would say it tactfully - being passive agressive is not being tactful, it's just skirting around the issue and sidestepping it for fear of coming across too pushy.

I think the way Taltos said it was best. Straight out but then suggest something nice and fun so that he can see that there are no hard feelings.

"Passive agressive"or not (hate that term)He'd still get the message when things are not left around for him to help himself with!Being straight and suggesting something fun to do does'nt always will go down very well.I lived in shared houses for most of my 20's.He will be taken back when he is basically being told he's a thief!not sure he'll want to do someing fun after that!he sounds like he has a hard neck though so who knows! sometimes people do have to be told straight if other avenues have been exhausted.

Kimia

Denimgirl wrote: »

.He will be taken back when he is basically being told he's a thief!.

But he is!

Denimgirl

yes of course he is!exactly! and as I said I doubt he'll want to do something "fun" after being told this!

pow wow

ztoical wrote: »

Seriously don't do the "O I thought I'd more milk" thing, your both adults so just talk to him, making leading comments or leaving notes around is passive agressive and usually just makes the situation worse.

People who look like adults don't always act like them (OP's housemate, not OP :P). I've lived with some roof-hitters where normal conversations along the lines of 'how about you don't leave the patio doors wide open all night' would be met with tears and squeals and weeks of scowls across the breakfast table. Passive aggressive (hate the term!) let's the OP test the water with someone that they barely know who sleeps in the same house as them!

Notes are petty though, especially ones where housemates go to the trouble of bolding certain words with a bic biro....takes some effort (eugh flashbacks!).

Taltos

Denimgirl wrote: »

yes of course he is!exactly! and as I said I doubt he'll want to do something "fun" after being told this!

You can be straight and to the point without being rude.
I do not recall telling the OP to call him a thief to his face - just to respect her and her belongings... Yes he might ask if you are calling him a thief - be ready for that - "Gawd no" - and laugh "I just expect everyone in this house to respect each others stuff - nothing more - nothing less. This is what I am used to from my other house shares / home - and this is what I want here. I have already talked to <other friend> and asked him to do the same I am asking you, that's all."

OP - you can skirt around this till the cows come home - but this bloke KNOWS at some level what he is doing is wrong, the more you avoid it or pussy foot around with hints the more he will find ways to do what he wants.

I am not saying shame him into stopping - I am saying have an adult conversation. Set your boundaries and simply ask him to respect those boundaries and you. Stay happy and force yourself to smile while you talk so you make it clear you are NOT being agressive or calling him names - and take the rub off by doing something as the friends you "want" to be.

IzzyWizzy

Taltos wrote: »

You can be straight and to the point without being rude.
I do not recall telling the OP to call him a thief to his face - just to respect her and her belongings... Yes he might ask if you are calling him a thief - be ready for that - "Gawd no" - and laugh "I just expect everyone in this house to respect each others stuff - nothing more - nothing less. This is what I am used to from my other house shares / home - and this is what I want here. I have already talked to <other friend> and asked him to do the same I am asking you, that's all."

OP - you can skirt around this till the cows come home - but this bloke KNOWS at some level what he is doing is wrong, the more you avoid it or pussy foot around with hints the more he will find ways to do what he wants.

I am not saying shame him into stopping - I am saying have an adult conversation. Set your boundaries and simply ask him to respect those boundaries and you. Stay happy and force yourself to smile while you talk so you make it clear you are NOT being agressive or calling him names - and take the rub off by doing something as the friends you "want" to be.

+1

There's nothing worse than passive aggressive. I lived with an awful bitch last year who obviously had a problem with me dropping a few drops of water on the floor when I washed up, but instead of saying it, she'd come and mop around my feet before I'd even finished washing up. She obviously got annoyed that I hadn't bought any toilet paper (obviously I normally would but it was an 'all inclusive' type thing and she'd said she'd take care of all that) so she let it run out and didn't buy any more - why not just ASK me? The best flatmate I ever had was a South African girl cos she was just so direct. She came out and said whatever she was thinking and it made the living situation so nice, because I'd be the same. You're not constantly sitting wondering the story is and why someone seems annoyed when you think you've done nothing wrong. I wouldn't have time for any adult who was such a baby that they'd get offended by being told not to take someone else's milk.

Denimgirl

Taltos wrote: »

You can be straight and to the point without being rude.
I do not recall telling the OP to call him a thief to his face - just to respect her and her belongings... Yes he might ask if you are calling him a thief - be ready for that - "Gawd no" - and laugh "I just expect everyone in this house to respect each others stuff - nothing more - nothing less. This is what I am used to from my other house shares / home - and this is what I want here. I have already talked to <other friend> and asked him to do the same I am asking you, that's all."

OP - you can skirt around this till the cows come home - but this bloke KNOWS at some level what he is doing is wrong, the more you avoid it or pussy foot around with hints the more he will find ways to do what he wants.

I am not saying shame him into stopping - I am saying have an adult conversation. Set your boundaries and simply ask him to respect those boundaries and you. Stay happy and force yourself to smile while you talk so you make it clear you are NOT being agressive or calling him names - and take the rub off by doing something as the friends you "want" to be.

My opinion was for the OP not for yourself or Kimia,nobodys opinions are law or a 100% right so I don;t understand coz other don;t agree with you ,you go against them,my opinion was for the op to decide if it was right for her nobody else!different strokes for different folks!

Daithio2

Don't take the passive agressive bitchy route, be direct. You're both adults. Say it to him in a nice, non confrontational way. If you live with people you have to be able to tell them what pisses you off, otherwise it will simply never work.

I live in a great houseshare at the moment. We have a cleaning lady come once a week (costs us a fiver each) and we order all fairy liquid/ bog roll/ soap/ washing powder etc online once a month, taking it in turns to pay. Works a treat. Having rules and arrangements in place for stuff like this saves so much strife.

Regarding the noise thing, get some foam earplugs, they'll be the best thing you ever bought.