House Share problems....Advice on being tactful!

LegacyUser

Ok so basically....I was living with my boyfriend and we broke up so I moved in with a friend from work (who i had lived with before pre-boyfriend). He's my Gay Best Mate and he is living now in a lovely house which had a spare room so it seemed like the perfect solution! His flat-mate (now my new flatmate) I had met out and about a few times and we always had a bit of craic so i couldn't see how there would be a problem! Now, my friend is perfect, I've lived with him before so i knew what to expect there but this new guy....

Lets just say I don't want to kill him yet.....but....

Im seriously easy going and i don't let many things get to me but this guy is getting under my skin bigtime! I am a routine person and i like to plan my day, my way.....I eat cereal in the morning and i never let myself run out of cereal or milk etc. Within 2 days of moving in I went to make my cereal and there was only a trickle of milk left in my carton. I said nothing but have since noticed that although this guy likes to drink a lot of tea....i am the only person who has bought milk since moving in (2.5 weeks ago)..I haven't said anything yet because i was hoping he would just buy a carton and say something? Then on Monday i got a message on my facebook wall from him saying "Sorry, I opened your milk, I'll buy you some more xxx" and this really annoyed me because it was SO obvious he was only owning up because he needed to open a new carton....not that it matters but the shop is only slightly further than the fridge in proximity to the house and no new milk has appeared!

Then another day I brought home 4 rolls of toilet paper and put them in the shared bathroom (he has the ensuite) and i noticed 1 roll vanished within 2 hours and i had aa look in his ensuite and there it was (I know I shouldn't have looked but i was confused /annoyed and he leaves his door open)....what annoyed me most was that the roll hadn't even been used, it's not like he was caught short...he was just being scabby!

The other thing is, he goes out 4 nights a week and comes home at 4am, none of my business...I would never begrudge anyone a good time...and although he goes out with my other housemate at times or some other friends who come back - i never hear a word from them....he just seems to think it's perfectly fine to talk away at his normal speaking voice and make no attempt to be quiet whatsoever! ... I really am not highly strung like, if he was falling in the door drunk at 4am and trying to be quiet but accidentally waking me up I wouldn't care...It's just the blatant disregard!

Then today, I just got home from work and went to have some crackers and i see the almost full pack, is now, almost empty!

I am really stumped on how to handle this? Do I just ignore it? Say nothing because I don't want to offend my friend who did me the hugest favour ever by letting me move in!! Am I over reacting?

Ugh....

carolinespring

I house shared for many years and the ones that worked best was when we had a kitty for shared things like milk, teabags, coffee, bread, loo roll, washing powder, cleaning stuff etc. We had a rota of who wasto do the shopping on a week by week basis. Took a while to get the hang of but worked a treat and saved a lot of stress.
As for your cereal, crackers etc to you have a press for yourself? If not can you arrange that?
As fot the noise at 4am, god! that takes me back. Try putting a note on the table saying you need to be up early and would he mind keeping the noise down. Maybe it is unaware that he is so noisy. Try that first and see how you get on.

If none of the above work, bite the bullet and talk to him.

Good luck

!!!

If you say something in general when both are in the room (so it would be less aimed at him/less awkward) like "oh I was craving some crackers last night! I must have eaten them and forgot haha they were all gone like!" - I'm sure he'd (hopefully) be mortified...

Okay my suggestion is crap Anyway you sound like a really nice housemate!

smiles302

He is taking advantage of you, next time you see that you are running low of milk, say in front of him that you feel like you are losing your mind, your milk just seems to disappear! Same about anything else that goes missing, hopefully he will admit to eating them... I'm not really sure what to do if he denies it

Stu

He might be taking advantage of your good nature. He doesn't sound like a shrinking violet so you should be able to bring this (t)issue up with him, so couldn't help that . But seriously, just tell him cut the BS and buy his own food/toiletries or alternatively, lock your stuff in a press.

As for the noise at 4.00 am, some people don't realise how loud they are with a few drinks on them and often think they are being quiet while banging off furniture and laughing, giggling etc. In this situation you might be better saying that the noise woke you up a couple of times but in a non confrontational way.

But be prepared to be ignored on both fronts. This guy might not take you seriously by the sounds of him and if he doesn't then you might have to ask your mate to have a serious word in his ear. If your mate really is as good a mate as you say he is then he will help you resolve these issues. But, try the above first and see what hapens.

R.D. aka MR.D

Don’t leave notes. It’s possibly the quickest way to all out cold war in house.

I agree with people saying you should say things like- oh I thought I had half a carton yesterday-that’s weird!

But definitely say something to your friend as well- maybe say to him ‘oh I’ve noticed some of my food going missing. Does ‘x’ know that it’s not share and share alike?’

See what he says he might say that it’s been happening to him or something.

I have zero tolerance for these things because in my eyes it’s stealing. Definitely don’t put up with it because he’ll only take advantage.

If all else fails. Just say ‘listen have you been taking my stuff, it’s no big deal and we’re all friends but I can’t really afford to keep buying stuff so if your taking it I’ll have to go without.’

Some people house sharing are just clueless!

The noise thing I don’t know because I’ve never found an answer to solving that one that doesn’t end in bad feelings!!

LegacyUser

I think you are over reacting, and I mean that in a good way. You just aren't used to the hazards of housesharing. There are certain compromises you just have to make.

If you have a good enough situation, and like the people you share the house with then get on yer knees, girl, and thank yer lucky stars!! You have no idea how rare that can become!

Yes the old milk/crackers/loud voice thing is a pain in the arSe, but you just have to suck it up and bear it. Believe me the bathroom/ bins/ cleaning up-and standards of that is a much trickier animal to negotiate!!

Nonetheless, life just isn't perfect, and unless you can afford to move out and live on your own, you just have to put up with this stuff and concentrate on developing a good vibe amongst your housemates

cheesey1

I am kinda in a similar situation only its my house and whereas the tenant doesn't eat my food he does make an awful lot of noise, when he is going up and down the stairs he's like an elephant. He doesn't clean, OK he cleans up after he cooks but I have yet to see him with the hover in his hand, which doesn't bother me 100% as I don't mind cleaning and washing the floors but he has been living in the house 2 months now and I am almost 100% sure he hasn't hoovered his room or cleaned his en-suite which I guess at the end of day he is renting but what happens when he moves out and the room and the en-suite in particular need a good scrubing, I hate cleaning bathrooms and I don't really want to be cleaning a filthy one - now I know I am jumping the gun on this one as he has only moved in.

Sorry for hijacking your post.

LegacyUser

I might get slated for this but here it goes -

I've found a good way to handle things is to all go out some night on the weekend/week and get trollied and generally enjoy the night and have a blast. then the next day/two when all those good will feelings are still there just drop in casually a few comments about food ie ''oh i'd love some biscuits but they're all gone, ah crap, now I've to go to the shop again'....or if he doesn't take subtle hints just lay it out wiht no gripe/accusations like 'could you pick me up a packet of biscuits next time ur in the shop, by the way, i can't afford to replace them, i don't mind u borrowing but if the pack runs out will u replace them?/

best of luck and by the way, i'm sharing with two guys, one of which is the same - we share a bathroom and he never replaces the toilet role, often nicks small things like potatoes/crisps but I put up with it, because to be honest, after the last flatmates he's a dream. sometimes u have to let things slide so as not to create bad vibes, cos once those vibes are there, it's hard then to get them to listen on other issues and it's hard to go back to good relations

the noise tho i'd have issues with - fair enough on weekends, but it's something i couldn't put up with if it's ongoing...and to be honest, my last flatmates constantly partied and no matter what you say, they won't stop so maybe consider moving out?

fionav3

Irishwildflowers wrote: »

I think you are over reacting, and I mean that in a good way. You just aren't used to the hazards of housesharing. There are certain compromises you just have to make.

I think the OP is far from overreacting irishwildflowers and it sounds suspiciously like you may be the type of housemate who 'borrows' other people's food and think thats okay. I can tell you straight out that it is most definitely not okay. When I was in college, I lived with one other student and two professionals; I was broke and struggling just to feed myself and one of the professionals kept using my milk and coffee. Do you know how horrible it is to come home knowing you don't have enough money to buy stuff for dinner and thinking at least you can have a bowl or cereal only to discover your spoilt housemate (who clearly has no regard for others) has used the last of your milk and you have to use your last euro to go out and buy a litre of milk. Yes, you have to compromise when housesharing but compromise means everyone having to do something they may not want to do and pull their weight, it does not mean that one person should ignore someone else eating their food.

OP, you could ask if it were possible that all three of you sit down together and have a chat (that way no one is being singled out). Just mention that you keep running out of food and explain that you can't afford to keep replacing food. Just ask nicely that if someone uses your milk or other food to please replace it (you can always have a sly quiet word with your mate later to explain that you know he wasn't to blame you just didn't want to cause any rows). And suggest starting up a kitty for communial things like loo roll, tea, coffee, cleaning stuff.

I have zero tolerance for people using my stuff. You know why? Because the people who say 'oh we all share here' or 'we all just take what we need' NEVER, and I mean NEVER share their stuff. They never have anything to take because they never buy anything. I've had flatmates use my milk all the time, and then when I ran out and went to take some of theirs, there was nothing. You need to tell him not to take a single thing that he didn't buy. It's not sharing, it's stealing.

Beruthiel

I wouldn't put up with that.
I would offer him a choice, he either stops taking your stuff or you start charging him for half of everything you buy.

LegacyUser

Hello Dear OP.

My HEART goes out to you.
Ignore Irishwildflowers. What a load of tosh. You have to comprimise? and get down on your knees? and thank your lucky stars? AND SUCK IT UP ! ?

Male poster. I guarantee.


Anyway honey, the real problem here, IMO is your attitude. Its the way you see the relationship between you and the guy who did you the *huge favour* by letting you move in.
Are you paying your way ? I presume you are. I take it your not just living there for free?

At the end of the day men are all brothers and will back each other up. Just as women are all sisters. You are outnumbered there.

So I would say, PAY your way, and Stipulate exactly what you will and wont stand for.

They are taking the P*** literally. Stand up girl. Get out of that * he did me a huge favour * mentality.

At the end of the day, the things that matter in life are not silly things like, milk , and bread and toilet roll. Don't reduce yourself to that by having an argument and going ape about the small things.. Say it quietly to the guy who let you move in. Then if he ignores you, you know you have no respect from either of them, and you need to pull rank.


My Dad is great, I had a similar problem with a housemate before, and my Dad had the most refreshing outlook on it ever. He really made me giggle with his solution, but the most important thing he told me was ... Go for the big things, think big. Rise above kind of thing.


All the best. xx

Mary Hairy

Take back your toilet roll. Replace it with an almost finished roll. Write in large letters " F*** off - go and buy your own" on the remaining piece of roll.

Irishwildflowers

Irishwildflowers wrote: »

I think you are over reacting, and I mean that in a good way. You just aren't used to the hazards of housesharing. There are certain compromises you just have to make.

It's not compromising, they're stealing, and it's extremely disrespectful.
The last thing anyone tired or broke wants to come home to is to find out they can't have their dinner or breakfast because someone took their food without saying a word.

sexdwarf

You don't have to go postal but defo say it to him in a very straightforward and matter of fact way, let him know that you've noticed your property being used and that you'd appreciate if he would not use your things and kindly replace the things he has taken to date.

I had a housemate who would text me in the evenings as I was on my way home, looking forward to my dinner that I had lovingly prepared, "I ate that lasagne in the fridge, have left 2euro on the counter." Grr...I didn't want the money, I wanted my bloody lasagne!!

In houseshare situations you have to be upfront and let people know what is and is not acceptable. Saying nothing will just make him think that you're ok with what he's doing.

BumbleB

R.D. aka MR.D wrote: »

Don’t leave notes. It’s possibly the quickest way to all out cold war in house.

Some people house sharing are just clueless!

The noise thing I don’t know because I’ve never found an answer to solving that one that doesn’t end in bad feelings!!

a big +1 .

Miss Fluff

Grrrr, hate carry on like that. You feel like you're being a tight git and then it's like, well why should I buy groceries for someone else's use??

Next time you buy milke, just sellotape a post-it to it with "OP's milk, please don't touch - need for cereal, thanks " You don't have to actually confront anyone then but it's getting a point across. Likewise with your bicckies and everything else. It's not something you could do if there were just two of you. And if your mate asks why you're doing it just say that stuff has been going missing. Seemples.

LegacyUser

Hahah that takes me back a long time. I shared with a load of students who like me were skint, but managed to share stuff without any of this agro. ie You asked and usually swapped something,like ok what left to eat that we can all rustle up together.
I was lucky on that level. "We got on".
However we lived with the landlady and she was an absolute b*tch. She left notes on the kitchen wall about drying up dishes and petty nonsense. And everything was so indirect, ie it was "could" , "would" use of english when something was up. We all hated notes being left for us. it was more like us and her.. cold war alright.
Anyway be direct in words, dont leave notes,its actually very irritating. better to be up front.

logic

Buy a mini fridge and keep it in your room along with your bread, biscuits and other stuff. Lock your room. Force them to buy their own milk then use that.
You'll save money in the long run.

Or think about moving out.

Esoteric_

Was in a similar situation myself. Actually, pretty much the exact same situation, except that they also threw house parties 4 nights a week when the boy and myself had to be up at 8am.

talking to them about it didn't work, they continued to steal out stuff.

So we got a mini fridge, stored our milk, butter, cheese, sliced meat, etc in there and use one of the bedroom wardrobes to store all the other food, literally everything. They also didn't clean up after themselves, so when they went away for a week without cleaning their food encrusted dishes, we left them at the side of the sink and forced ourselves to ignore it even though it was gross, so they came back to big mouldy plates.

As for the noise thing, well we got petty there. We started having REALLY loud sex when they had to be up at 6am for exams starting at 7. We'd literally keep them awake til about 5am and when they gave out about it we just said that we can't help it if we have a sex life.

Tbh we eventually couldn't take the stress and moved out but you could try it.

Denimgirl

Sounds like this leech is on the save at other peoples expenses,Put one roll of toilet paper in the toilet and the rest in your closet, as for milk tell him if you can not replace do not use,and if he does use please consider that you need milk for your breakfast!please respect you and leave your food alone if he can't abide by this,you could say it in a jokey way to him but get your point across also if it persists, like do you not buy your own food and toiletries? or do ye just use op's? (other peoples)people like him will get thick when confronted they expect to do what they want to who they want and get offended when told to stop!

LegacyUser

Get your self some house rules and a kitty

That way everything is understood

I recently met an old housemate who said that I used to not pay for my share of bits and bobs - I thought I had done but I used to eat some of her food as I was the one doing all the washing up and cleaning.

I'd never lived with a filthy (grimy) girl before.

Anyway, I've found that those loose, chilled arrangements usually end up in one, both or all parties seething in their bedrooms over some issue or other.

Communal milk is a must. Same with toilet paper.

As for loud voices. . . if people don't have the wherewithal to shut up after 11.30 at night and come in speaking loudly, they never will have it.

And I could tell you great stories about notes...... Jaysus, if you lived with us in Camden St back in the 90s...... notes on the dishes, notes on the toilet door, notes on the immersion door..... all those notes were binned or left in shreds on the floor and yes, a cold war ensued. Happy house sharing days.

MistyCheese

I would almost agree with everyone here about saying to him "Oh, I seem to be out of milk. How peculiar?!" but I'd add "Can I use some of yours?" This will hopefully lead to him admitting that he doesn't buy any of his own milk, and realising that he should.

Of course, it would be even better again to talk to him, if this is possible.

LegacyUser

That's not on. Can you try and change to soya milk? Not everyone likes it and then he might have to go to the shop for his own milk.

Stu

Buy some powdered milk (just add water) on eBay/amazon and store it in a Safe in your Bedroom . Your flat mate will be seething and will be plotting how hes going to get that milk out of the safe. Oh, the drama .

LegacyUser

I share with 5 people. we each have our own cupboard for our personal food. We also have a kitty for common staples such as milk, butter, toilet roll etc.Avoids all problems such as this. could you not arrange that?

As for the noise. I was told that ear plugs would be a necessity when I moved in (house mates were big partiers) so that's what I did.

Kimia

Jaysus the amount of passive agressive people on boards is amazing. There are all sorts of advise on how to make him know (in a completely indirect, wishy washy way, like hiding your tpaper in the feckin wardrobe) that you don't want him using your stuff.

How about saying to him, directly, that if he uses your stuff could he please replace it? Or even better, just don't use your stuff at all.

Taltos

I am with Kimia.

Just be up front with him - then he cannot later claim that he did not realise it was a problem for you.

Just sit him down and simply say.
"Look - I like living here. BUT your use of items I have bought for my use is NOT acceptable. Stop now before you make this not a nice place to live. Now let's go for a drink or have a chinese."

No blame - no names. Just simple - STOP...


update:
Part of why I say this is many guys don't do subtle. We much prefer to have things spelled out of us. Black and white. Just do it with a smile to take the edge off, and not in front of anyone so that he is not embarrased. Just let your other friend know what you are doing so he is not caught off guard.

ztoical

Seriously don't do the "O I thought I'd more milk" thing, your both adults so just talk to him, making leading comments or leaving notes around is passive agressive and usually just makes the situation worse.

Have a house meeting and make the choice to either have a kitty and share the cost of milk, bread, bog roll etc OR divide the kitchen up so you each have a press and a shelf in the fridge [buy a big black marker and write your name on your milk/crackers etc]

Denimgirl

Kimia wrote: »

Jaysus the amount of passive agressive people on boards is amazing. There are all sorts of advise on how to make him know (in a completely indirect, wishy washy way, like hiding your tpaper in the feckin wardrobe) that you don't want him using your stuff.

How about saying to him, directly, that if he uses your stuff could he please replace it? Or even better, just don't use your stuff at all.

Well she did ask for advise on being tactful! It can cause an atmosphere in the house when being blunt,personally I'd use that as last resort.

Kimia

Denimgirl wrote: »

Well she did ask for advise on being tactful! It can cause an atmosphere in the house when being blunt,personally I'd use that as last resort.

I would say it tactfully - being passive agressive is not being tactful, it's just skirting around the issue and sidestepping it for fear of coming across too pushy.

I think the way Taltos said it was best. Straight out but then suggest something nice and fun so that he can see that there are no hard feelings.

Denimgirl

Kimia wrote: »

I would say it tactfully - being passive agressive is not being tactful, it's just skirting around the issue and sidestepping it for fear of coming across too pushy.

I think the way Taltos said it was best. Straight out but then suggest something nice and fun so that he can see that there are no hard feelings.

"Passive agressive"or not (hate that term)He'd still get the message when things are not left around for him to help himself with!Being straight and suggesting something fun to do does'nt always will go down very well.I lived in shared houses for most of my 20's.He will be taken back when he is basically being told he's a thief!not sure he'll want to do someing fun after that!he sounds like he has a hard neck though so who knows! sometimes people do have to be told straight if other avenues have been exhausted.

Kimia

Denimgirl wrote: »

.He will be taken back when he is basically being told he's a thief!.

But he is!

Denimgirl

yes of course he is!exactly! and as I said I doubt he'll want to do something "fun" after being told this!

pow wow

ztoical wrote: »

Seriously don't do the "O I thought I'd more milk" thing, your both adults so just talk to him, making leading comments or leaving notes around is passive agressive and usually just makes the situation worse.

People who look like adults don't always act like them (OP's housemate, not OP :P). I've lived with some roof-hitters where normal conversations along the lines of 'how about you don't leave the patio doors wide open all night' would be met with tears and squeals and weeks of scowls across the breakfast table. Passive aggressive (hate the term!) let's the OP test the water with someone that they barely know who sleeps in the same house as them!

Notes are petty though, especially ones where housemates go to the trouble of bolding certain words with a bic biro....takes some effort (eugh flashbacks!).

Taltos

Denimgirl wrote: »

yes of course he is!exactly! and as I said I doubt he'll want to do something "fun" after being told this!

You can be straight and to the point without being rude.
I do not recall telling the OP to call him a thief to his face - just to respect her and her belongings... Yes he might ask if you are calling him a thief - be ready for that - "Gawd no" - and laugh "I just expect everyone in this house to respect each others stuff - nothing more - nothing less. This is what I am used to from my other house shares / home - and this is what I want here. I have already talked to <other friend> and asked him to do the same I am asking you, that's all."

OP - you can skirt around this till the cows come home - but this bloke KNOWS at some level what he is doing is wrong, the more you avoid it or pussy foot around with hints the more he will find ways to do what he wants.

I am not saying shame him into stopping - I am saying have an adult conversation. Set your boundaries and simply ask him to respect those boundaries and you. Stay happy and force yourself to smile while you talk so you make it clear you are NOT being agressive or calling him names - and take the rub off by doing something as the friends you "want" to be.

Taltos

Taltos wrote: »

You can be straight and to the point without being rude.
I do not recall telling the OP to call him a thief to his face - just to respect her and her belongings... Yes he might ask if you are calling him a thief - be ready for that - "Gawd no" - and laugh "I just expect everyone in this house to respect each others stuff - nothing more - nothing less. This is what I am used to from my other house shares / home - and this is what I want here. I have already talked to <other friend> and asked him to do the same I am asking you, that's all."

OP - you can skirt around this till the cows come home - but this bloke KNOWS at some level what he is doing is wrong, the more you avoid it or pussy foot around with hints the more he will find ways to do what he wants.

I am not saying shame him into stopping - I am saying have an adult conversation. Set your boundaries and simply ask him to respect those boundaries and you. Stay happy and force yourself to smile while you talk so you make it clear you are NOT being agressive or calling him names - and take the rub off by doing something as the friends you "want" to be.

+1

There's nothing worse than passive aggressive. I lived with an awful bitch last year who obviously had a problem with me dropping a few drops of water on the floor when I washed up, but instead of saying it, she'd come and mop around my feet before I'd even finished washing up. She obviously got annoyed that I hadn't bought any toilet paper (obviously I normally would but it was an 'all inclusive' type thing and she'd said she'd take care of all that) so she let it run out and didn't buy any more - why not just ASK me? The best flatmate I ever had was a South African girl cos she was just so direct. She came out and said whatever she was thinking and it made the living situation so nice, because I'd be the same. You're not constantly sitting wondering the story is and why someone seems annoyed when you think you've done nothing wrong. I wouldn't have time for any adult who was such a baby that they'd get offended by being told not to take someone else's milk.

Denimgirl

Taltos wrote: »

You can be straight and to the point without being rude.
I do not recall telling the OP to call him a thief to his face - just to respect her and her belongings... Yes he might ask if you are calling him a thief - be ready for that - "Gawd no" - and laugh "I just expect everyone in this house to respect each others stuff - nothing more - nothing less. This is what I am used to from my other house shares / home - and this is what I want here. I have already talked to <other friend> and asked him to do the same I am asking you, that's all."

OP - you can skirt around this till the cows come home - but this bloke KNOWS at some level what he is doing is wrong, the more you avoid it or pussy foot around with hints the more he will find ways to do what he wants.

I am not saying shame him into stopping - I am saying have an adult conversation. Set your boundaries and simply ask him to respect those boundaries and you. Stay happy and force yourself to smile while you talk so you make it clear you are NOT being agressive or calling him names - and take the rub off by doing something as the friends you "want" to be.

My opinion was for the OP not for yourself or Kimia,nobodys opinions are law or a 100% right so I don;t understand coz other don;t agree with you ,you go against them,my opinion was for the op to decide if it was right for her nobody else!different strokes for different folks!

Daithio2

Don't take the passive agressive bitchy route, be direct. You're both adults. Say it to him in a nice, non confrontational way. If you live with people you have to be able to tell them what pisses you off, otherwise it will simply never work.

I live in a great houseshare at the moment. We have a cleaning lady come once a week (costs us a fiver each) and we order all fairy liquid/ bog roll/ soap/ washing powder etc online once a month, taking it in turns to pay. Works a treat. Having rules and arrangements in place for stuff like this saves so much strife.

Regarding the noise thing, get some foam earplugs, they'll be the best thing you ever bought.