Win tickets for Dara O' Briain, David O' Doherty, Maeve Higgins and more in Vicar St

doohan

Q. What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A. A nervous wreck.

Cormac2791

Q. Why did the Kerry farmer feed his cows with money?

A. Because he wanted rich milk!

Also Starring LeVar Burton

What's green, has four legs, and if it falls from a tree it can kill you?

A Pool Table

Thoie

What's green with blue spots?

Grass. I lied about the spots.

IsThisIt???

"What's green and invisable??"

<holds out hand>
"This cabbage!!!"

5500

Q: What do you call a snail on a ship?

A: A snailor!

2468

What do you call a sheep on a bouncing castle?

A wooly jumper.

Baggly

What is brown and sticky?

A stick.

Feck it, even if i dont win...that was worth a giggle

sickle

Q: What do you call a 3 legged donkey?

A: A wonky.

Jessibelle

A man went to the doctors and said doctor doctor I have a strawberry on my head
the doctor said I think I have some cream for that...

justbringit89

Did you hear about the Carrot's Funeral?

There was a great Turnip..........:D

meenmore

The Queen is visiting a miltary hospital in Glasgow. She gets shown onto a ward with just three patients.

She talks to the first:

Queen "And what are you in here for?"
Soldier "Piles Ma'am, healing nicely though ma'am"
Queen "And what treatment are you receiving?"
Soldier "Wire brush and Dettol ma'am"
Queen "Oh my, and what ambitions do you have once you get out of here?"
Soldier "To get out of here and fight for you and my country ma'am"
Queen "That's mighty brave Of you."

The queen moves to the second soldier.

Queen "And what are you in here for soldier?"
Soldier "Veneral Disease Ma'am."
Queen "And what treatment are you receiving?"
Soldier "Wire brush and Dettol ma'am"
Queen "Oh my, and what ambitions do you have for when you get out of here?"
Soldier "To get out of here and fight for you and my country ma'am"
Queen "That's mighty brave Of you."

she moves to the last wee Scotsman at the end of the row.

Queen "And what are you for?"
Soldier "Laryngitis ma'am" he croaks.
Queen "Ohh, had that myself, very unpleasant. And what treatment are you receiving?"
Soldier "Wire brush and Dettol ma'am."
Queen "And what ambitions do you have now?"
Soldier "To get the wire brush and dettol before those other two ma'am!!!"

venividivici

Policeman trying to stop man in car..

Policeman: Pullover!! Pullover!!

Man: No, it's a cardigan, but thanks for noticing!

John 187

Q. What button won't you find in a tailor's shop?
A. A Belly button!

Chuchoter

Pupil (on phone) : My son has a bad cold and won't be able to come to school today.
School Secretary: Who is this ?
Pupil: This is my father speaking !

What did the monster say to his psychiatrist?
'I feel abominable.'

Pj!

Knock-knock.
Who's there?
Hatch.
Hatch who?
God Bless You!!!

Miguel_Sanchez

This one used to crack me up as a kid.

Barber: Were you wearing a red scarf when you came in?
Customer: No.
Barber: Oh dear, I must have cut your throat.

RedXIV

What's white and wears sunglasses?

An egg in disguise

What do you call two apples?

A Pear!

Why did the jelly baby go to school?

He wanted to be a smartie!

Whats black and white and black and white and black and white....?

A penguin rolling down a hill

Whats black and white and laughing?

The nun that pushed it!

Bonkers_xOx

Why do seagulls fly over the sea?

Because if they flew over the bay they would be bagels!

aisling.laura

A young boy puts up his hand in class one day and says,
"Sir, I has no pencil."

The teacher replies,
"No no no:
'I have no pencil,
You have no pencil,
He has no pencil,
She has no pencil,
You all have no pencils,
We have no pencils,
They have no pencils."

The little boy thinks for a moment and then raises his hand again,
"But Sir, then who has all the pencils??"

oldwan

-who are the nicest people working in a hospital?


-the ultra-sound people!!:D

jimi_t2

Whats green, shiny and dangerous?
An apple with a gun!

oldwan

- who are the coolest people in the hospital when the ultra-sound guys are off??


- the hip-replacement people:D

Scoobydooo

How did the farmer fix his jeans?

With a cabbage patch!

Onecoolcookie

What do you get when you cross a pig and a cactus ?

A porky-pine !

stripysocks85

This isn't exactly a joke, but moreso an actual incident that happened last week with Junior Infants when we were learning about electricity:

Me [trying to elicit prior information]: Where do we get electricity from?
Kid [very seriously & innocently shouted]: JESUS!

Other than that, I've been told many jokes. One which I can remember..............
Teacher, what kind of hair does the sea have? WAVY!!!!!

stripysocks85

Oh oh oh, I can't believe I almost forgot my ULTIMATE FAVOURITE JOKE!! [If anyone I know reads this, they will know who I am!!!]

Q: What did 1 snowman say to the other?
A: Do you smell carrots?

I LOVE THIS JOKE!!!!

XpenguinX

I was on the T.V once, my mam told me to get off!:p

Dutchy

Who made up fractions?

Henry the 1/8th!:p

seriousfizz

What did the mayonnaise say to the fridge?
Close the door, I'm dressing!