"I trust him 100%"

Whispered

Recently, the amount of high profile men cheating on their wives seems to have reached ridiculous levels. Every second day another marriage was destroyed by a man having an affair. While we can look and think thats what happens when you're in a high profile relationship, living a high profile life, the fact is, these were real marriages, and the people are feeling real hurt.

I don't generally take an interest in celebrities at all, but I was shocked when that guy from Take That and Ronan Keating were exposed as cheaters. They always seemed like "family men". Then again, we're only shown a part of their persona. But it has me questioning. Can you ever really trust someone else 100%?

How many women whose husbands/boyfriends have had affairs trusted them completly? I can't imagine many people staying in a relationship where trust is an issue, yet how many attached men have affairs all the time?

Is there a certain type who cheats? Do certain circumstances push someone to cheat? Does it mean there really is something fundamental wrong with the relationship?

I'm in a relationship, I would say that I am sure he would never cheat. But I'm sure other wives and girlfriends have said the same before only to find out later that all along, she was being made a fool of.

Before it's pointed out, I know women cheat too.

minidazzler

Yes, it is possible to trust someone 100%, the real question is though, are they deserving of that trust?

Lots of husbands/boyfriends have cheated. More than could be counted really.

Again, lots have affairs all the time.

There is no certain type, people from all walks of life can and do cheat.

In the right circumstances anyone can cheat, but year certain circumstances would cause (and in some cases rightfully so), a person to stray.

Something fundementally wrong with the relationship, that depends, if it's a ONS that doesn't mean there is something necessarily wrong with the relationship, if it's an ongoing affair with dates and stuff, then questions must be asked.

Just my opinion.

Emme

I don't know if expecting 100% physical fidelity from a man is realistic. I would expect emotional fidelity though.

trad

Men generally have affairs with women.

Emme

trad wrote: »

Men generally have affairs with women.

Unless they're gay or bi.

Carsinian Thau

trad wrote: »

Men generally have affairs with women.

And women generally have affairs with men.

Point being?

Snowie

If some ones not getting something out of a reletionships say sex for instance, theyle go looking for eventually, its a bassic human need and if its nto being meet well the person whos being cheated on has as much to blame as the person who has cheated...

in some case's

RachPie

I'd say it's different for celebrities with because they're always in the public eye and their lives are less than normal than ours, so perhaps they stay in relationships for business or even just to keep up appearances until it's found out? Just a guess though.

I trust my own partner very well, and if it does ever under weird circumstances turn out that he cheats on me, well I will be gutted but he'd be the idiot, not me and he'd be the one losing out on so much.

xoxyx

I think if you're in a good and loving relationship, you deserve to trust each other 100%. I reckon that a large, large percentage of people cheat on their partners; but if you are always expecting the worst, then you're just making it more likely to happen.

If you get suspicious every time that your mate gets a text or is out late, it's going to be draining on both of you and no fun at all.

However, it works both ways. If you want your partner to remain faithful, I think you have to do the same!

Some may say it's naive, but I reckon if a relationship is great, then jump in with both feet and put your 100% trust in your partner. You'd want them to trust you 100% wouldn't you!!!

Edit: I know this isn't a magic formula that will ensure you never get cheated on - it is good practice though.

Whispered

z_topaz wrote: »

I think if you're in a good and loving relationship, you deserve to trust each other 100%.

I agree. I think you need to trust each other or else you'd be worn out worrying, and they would be worn out constantly having to put your mind at ease. I suppose what I'm having trouble with is, say in the instance with Keating, he had a seperate phone. How do you love someone then go to such lengths to decieve them?

I would see a ONS as slightly different to an affair. I would imagine I could forgive a ONS a whole lot easier than an affair. Not that I would have to, I know my OH is not going to cheat. But hey, I'm sure many women before me felt the same.

Is it truely in a mans nature to have a few partners? I've heard the theory a few times. Evolution and all that.

bills

Snow-Monkey wrote: »

If some ones not getting something out of a reletionships say sex for instance, theyle go looking for eventually, its a bassic human need and if its nto being meet well the person whos being cheated on has as much to blame as the person who has cheated...

in some case's

I dont agree. If someone feels their needs are not met, then they should tell the other person in the relationship that they are not happy. How is the other person going to know that that their partner's needs are not met. Its really sneaky & selfish to just turn around & put yourself first instead of discussing & sorting the issue with your partner.

Fago!

Indidelity is the trait of a scumbag. Always was, always will be.

The Big Red Button

I trust my fiance 100%.

I'm not being naive - he's not perfect, no one is. And I'm not implying that I'm so wonderful that he just wouldn't even look at another girl!

But he is just loyal beyond belief to family and friends. And to me above all else. The idea of him cheating - it's just not part of who he is. No matter who he was going out with, no matter what was going on in the relationship - if he was tempted to cheat, he would just end the relationship and then do what he wanted, simple as that.

Also, drunken cheating isn't something he'd do - he just doesn't get drunk enough to do something like that ever. Plus the drunker he gets the more loved up he gets - I get some hilarious drunken phonecalls!

I have to admit though, he's probably in a minority. Guess I'm just lucky!

Fago!

I don't get why some people know their OH cheats on them, and they stay with them!! I know plenty of cases. I know one girl who constantly cheats on her BF. He knows this and yet he stays with her. It's at the stage where if she's going out, he says "Please don't cheat on me tonight"....WTF?!!!?!?!

If I had any idea that my OH cheated on me, they'd be out of my life so fast it'd make your fuucking head explode!!!!

@Chatterpillar - That's really cool what you said there, warms me heart.

Scarinae

I trust my boyfriend 100%, I just know that he isn't the type. Some people think I'm mental though because we're in a long-distance relationship, and say that I can't possibly trust him because he could do anything and I would never know. I disagree though - anyone who knows him at all would know he wouldn't. He's too honest and loyal and genuine. Trust and good communication are, in my opinion, vital for a strong relationship.

I mean, when his parents decided to move back to Kenya from Ireland, they took the dog with them. He stayed in Ireland, and I know he missed going up into the mountains on big long walks. I suggested that I could get him a dog for Christmas. His response? "I already have a dog"

seenitall

Emme wrote: »

I don't know if expecting 100% physical fidelity from a man is realistic. I would expect emotional fidelity though.

:eek: Emme, you surprise me! There is a romantic soul in you...

In my experience, too many guys don't know the difference between their dcik and their heart... And the ones who do, I would ESPECIALLY not like to have anything to do with!

Trust? What's that? :cool:

Lando Griffin

Alot of these people have everything handed to them on a plate the, excitement of life and realisation that marriage and kids are not for them might lead them to crave a bit of excitement a bit of adventure, risk. You never know how much these people love each other and alot were thrown together when very young more or less media marriages now they are paying the price for living a lie. Some of these would be only going out for a year and next kaboom marraige splattered in OK MAG for one million quid, giving it, "it was love at first sight" talk. Leave them at it, thats what they signed up for. Oh yea if I was Yvonne Id have reddened the arse off him .

Whispered

chatterpillar wrote: »

I trust my fiance 100%.

Fishie wrote: »

I trust my boyfriend 100%, I just know that he isn't the type.

I know! I trust mine too. He has friends who would cheat and it annoys him. But how many cheated on wives and girlfriends could at one point say "oh I know for a fact he never would".

Can you ever know 100% that he wouldn't. (or indeed can he ever know for a fact). Do you need to know for a fact? Or is that what trust is. Not "knowing" he wouldn't do it, but trusting that he wouldn't.

Profound :pac:

Starburst85

Did anyone hear about that women in Britain that wrote a book based on Infidelity. Her husband was cheating on her and when she found out she took full responsibility for it. She said it must have been something she did on him or wasnt doing for him and he has needs and had to go look elsewhere.....What a load of trash...

Guys will cheat as will girls, for the excitement I think, for some the guilt creeps in afterwards for others not at all. When you hear about the footballers cheating no one bats an eye lid but when you hear of the likes of good 2 shoes Ronan everyone is shocked....I do think cheating is wrong and it's horrible for the g/friend / b/friend being cheated on..

Suppose as other ppl say..if your better looking than the guy...you've nothing to worry about...then again...if the other girl is better looking than you.... :eek:

The Big Red Button

Whispered wrote: »

Can you ever know 100% that he wouldn't. (or indeed can he ever know for a fact). Do you need to know for a fact? Or is that what trust is. Not "knowing" he wouldn't do it, but trusting that he wouldn't.

Well, for me, I suppose it's not about trusting him. It's about knowing him really well as a person. I don't even really see the fact that he wouldn't cheat on a girl as a particular "strength" or "benefit" or whatever - it's just part of who he is, simple as that.

I don't think that makes sense! Sorry!

I've never been cheated on. Because of that, I suppose I don't really have strong feelings about it. If I was going out with a guy and I was only 95% sure that he wouldn't cheat on me, I think I could live with that. Now if he actually did cheat, I'd be out of there! But my point is, I'm not just being naive and idealistic and believing what I want to believe. If there was a chance that my fiance might at some stage cheat on me, I'd probably accept that happily enough. But it's just that I know him inside out; he has this really strong moral complex and he's just downright stubborn too, and he takes a lot of pride in doing things properly. Cheating just does not fit in with his personality. He wouldn't want to do it, he'd get no joy out of doing it, and he just wouldn't do it. Simple as that really!

Whispered

Starburst85 wrote: »

Did anyone hear about that women in Britain that wrote a book based on Infidelity. Her husband was cheating on her and when she found out she took full responsibility for it. She said it must have been something she did on him or wasnt doing for him and he has needs and had to go look elsewhere.....What a load of trash...

:eek: I didn't hear of that! Thats amazing. I did hear of a woman, selling a book about being a good wife. I think the general idea was you pander to your husbands every whim and make him happy. If he is happy you will be happy..... Yes I agree if K is happy I generally am, but pandering to his every whim like a 1930's good little wifey? This woman literally lived a subserviant life with her husband and said she had never been happier.

Starburst85 wrote: »

Guys will cheat as will girls, for the excitement I think, for some the guilt creeps in afterwards for others not at all.

Personally, I think girls cheat for different reasons. I think a man will cheat for the excitment of course, as will a woman, but I'd imagine a woman would be more likely to cheat just for attention. (I could be very wrong?)

Starburst85 wrote: »

Suppose as other ppl say..if your better looking than the guy...you've nothing to worry about...then again...if the other girl is better looking than you.... :eek:

HAHA I've never heard that before. I'd say that only goes if you're in a newish relationship tbh. I'm with my OH ten years I don't think he looks at me as "good looking" or not anymore. yes if course there are times my beauty takes his breath away, but on the most part I'm just me :pac:. I think cheating in a LTR could stem from boredness with the actual relationship as opposed to being bored with the person iykwim.

RacoonQueen

There isn't anyone in this world who I trust 100%, I have a couple of amazing friends who I trust about 97% but a boyfriend would want to majorly impress me to surpass 90% never mind get near 100.

mardybumbum

I dont trust anyone 100%. Might sound sad, but there ya go.

Whispered

RacoonQueen wrote: »

There isn't anyone in this world who I trust 100%, I have a couple of amazing friends who I trust about 97% but a boyfriend would want to majorly impress me to surpass 90% never mind get near 100.

mardybumbum wrote: »

I dont trust anyone 100%. Might sound sad, but there ya go.

Can I ask if you're in relationships? Or have been and did you trust him/her then?

Wibbs

Whispered wrote: »

Personally, I think girls cheat for different reasons. I think a man will cheat for the excitment of course, as will a woman, but I'd imagine a woman would be more likely to cheat just for attention. (I could be very wrong?)

I dunno, IMHO and IME like you say both will cheat sometimes for excitement. Outside of that, I would say more men cheat for the attention funny enough. That and ego. Women? if they're missing something in a relationship, they generally seem more likely to seek it out elsewhere. So if they're getting the sexual angle in their relationship, but not the emotional they seem more likely to have an emotional affair with the guy that gives them the emotional attention, even if sex isnt on the cards. They rarely see it as an affair though. Then again neither do most boyfriends if it doesnt involve knocking boots so... Of course they may flip if the guy has a similar relationship with a woman friend. If they have the emotional long term good bet, but the sex is out the window they may look elsewhere for that.

IMHO women are more likely to have different men in their lives that make up the "whole" male experience. So as an exaggerated example, they may have the boyfriend, the gay male friend, the guy who fancies them but they dont reciprocate, even the possible replacement for down the line. Now men can do this too, but IME it's a rarer thing. So I would personally be more fliud as far as the words trust and affair are concerned.

Of my male and female mates? The latter has had more sexual affairs and way more emotional affairs. That said its just my circle and we all tend to pick people who reinforce our own views. I've ot cheated, but I have been cheated on and I was the other guy many times.

On the latter point it has amazed me(and I hear the same from women who have been the "other" too) how easily people will explain away their behaviour. How they rationalise it and make excuses for it. Ive had a woman tell me laying in the afterglow after we did the deed how much she loved her boyfriend. If I just nodded and said nada, 9 times outa 10 there would be a sequel. I was just a proxy for their needs for the most part. One classic was a mate of mine was after bedding this bloke and the convo steered towards mutual mates and she mentioned a guy they both knew. The guys reaction? "Oh that prick!:mad: he tried to mooch on my girlfriend last week, the bastid!!". No sense of irony.

Would I trust a partner "100%"? Yes. I always have. Ive all too often been disappointed. The majority of times, but I won't change my behaviour and hopefully I'll find someone who returns that trust. I'll keep trusting.

Maple

I feel that for a relationship to work, you have to want to trust the other person. I think that it just makes hard work for yourself if you're constantly second guessing them and their actions or expecting them to screw you over.

You need to allow your other OH a certain amount of rope, and should they choose to hang themselves with it so be it.

In my experience people cheat for different reasons. One boyf cheated because he could, because it was readily available and while he professed to loving me he felt that i wouldn't find out and what i didn't know wouldn't hurt me.

One cheated because he and I were going through a seriously tough time and she listened to him in a way he felt I wasn't doing at that moment.

If people feel the need to cheat, then they need to seriously examine how they feel about the relationship they're in. Do they honestly want to be in it anymore? Can they make it work and if so then what needs to be tweaked for it to actually work? There needs to be communication.

I do feel that sometimes a person can cheat and it will be a wakeup call for them, and that will be the first and only time they'll do it.

But then there are fools who serial cheat but remain within the comfort of a steady relationship because they don't have the guts to end it.

miss5

I honestly don't believe a relationship can be 100% happy without complete trust.
This leads to insecurities and doubts followed by a host of other problems,
Can't see it ever really working otherwise.

omb0wyn5ehpij9

Emme wrote: »

I don't know if expecting 100% physical fidelity from a man is realistic. I would expect emotional fidelity though.

I dont agree with that at all

Scarinae

Whispered wrote: »

I know! I trust mine too. He has friends who would cheat and it annoys him. But how many cheated on wives and girlfriends could at one point say "oh I know for a fact he never would".

Can you ever know 100% that he wouldn't. (or indeed can he ever know for a fact). Do you need to know for a fact? Or is that what trust is. Not "knowing" he wouldn't do it, but trusting that he wouldn't.

Profound :pac:

Well, I trust him. Of course I can never know for sure, but it's not something I would even have considered except for other people asking me about it. I don't think the relationship would work if I didn't trust him - like I said, we are in a LDR, I am in London and he is in the Namibian desert with no internet access. Well, that's not entirely true - he can get online with their satellite phone but his emails are usually short because it's laborious to type on. As a result, I don't always know what he's doing, we can go days or even a week without contact. I didn't see him for nearly six months, but he had last week off and went to visit his family in Kenya so he paid for me to come out and meet him there.

If I didn't trust him, could I go that long without seeing him? Could I manage the occasional lack of contact? Probably not. On the flipside, it would be really easy for me to cheat on him here in London if I wanted to, but I'm not interested in anyone else. Of course I would prefer more contact, but it's just temporary, and we both feel secure enough in the relationship to trust each other completely. It is hard sometimes, but he is worth it

As the Argentinian narcoleptic from Moulin Rouge said - Without trust, there can be no love

K-9

Wibbs wrote: »

On the latter point it has amazed me(and I hear the same from women who have been the "other" too) how easily people will explain away their behaviour. How they rationalise it and make excuses for it. Ive had a woman tell me laying in the afterglow after we did the deed how much she loved her boyfriend. If I just nodded and said nada, 9 times outa 10 there would be a sequel. I was just a proxy for their needs for the most part. One classic was a mate of mine was after bedding this bloke and the convo steered towards mutual mates and she mentioned a guy they both knew. The guys reaction? "Oh that prick!:mad: he tried to mooch on my girlfriend last week, the bastid!!". No sense of irony.

I agree with that, there is a selfishness involved, definitely, perfectly shown by your examples.

Did you know they were in a relationship though? Don't mean that in a bad way.

chatterpillar

chatterpillar wrote: »

Well, for me, I suppose it's not about trusting him. It's about knowing him really well as a person. I don't even really see the fact that he wouldn't cheat on a girl as a particular "strength" or "benefit" or whatever - it's just part of who he is, simple as that.

I think most people feel that their partner wouldn't cheat, though. It still happens.

I've never been cheated on. Because of that, I suppose I don't really have strong feelings about it.

How do you know? Most people never find out. I've had people tell me they'd never been cheated on when I knew for a fact they had. I'm not trying to say you have or you haven't, but nobody really can be 100% sure.

If there was a chance that my fiance might at some stage cheat on me, I'd probably accept that happily enough. But it's just that I know him inside out; he has this really strong moral complex and he's just downright stubborn too, and he takes a lot of pride in doing things properly. Cheating just does not fit in with his personality. He wouldn't want to do it, he'd get no joy out of doing it, and he just wouldn't do it. Simple as that really!

Sounds similar to my ex, and he cheated on his ex, me, and even tried to cheat on his current girlfriend with me - I stayed over at his shortly after the break up and he never mentioned a new girlfriend. Honestly, everyone thinks he's the most honest, sound guy you'd ever meet. He comes across as so mature and grounded and just a lovely bloke. I've seen the new gf's blog and she thinks she's the luckiest girl on earth to have him. He honestly just is the last person you'd expect to be a cheater, and he is, a serial one and the most amazing liar I've ever met in my life. I'm sure your bloke isn't like this but it's not as if the rest of us think we're with someone who's going to cheat. Most people think their bloke is solid, honest and loyal. I can tell you that I know very few men who have never, ever cheated.

windycity

If anyone has ever been cheated on by the people they trust 100%, there were usually signs there from the beginning that that was going to happen, but love is blind, and much of the time we overlook or rationalize behaviors in a relationship. I can only speak from my own experience, but the people I trusted 100% fully and truthfully, never cheated on me. Those that I kidded myself into trusting, did.

K-9

[quote=[Deleted User];66427890]I think most people feel that their partner wouldn't cheat, though. It still happens.



How do you know? Most people never find out. I've had people tell me they'd never been cheated on when I knew for a fact they had. I'm not trying to say you have or you haven't, but nobody really can be 100% sure.



Sounds similar to my ex, and he cheated on his ex, me, and even tried to cheat on his current girlfriend with me - I stayed over at his shortly after the break up and he never mentioned a new girlfriend. Honestly, everyone thinks he's the most honest, sound guy you'd ever meet. He comes across as so mature and grounded and just a lovely bloke. I've seen the new gf's blog and she thinks she's the luckiest girl on earth to have him. He honestly just is the last person you'd expect to be a cheater, and he is, a serial one and the most amazing liar I've ever met in my life. I'm sure your bloke isn't like this but it's not as if the rest of us think we're with someone who's going to cheat. Most people think their bloke is solid, honest and loyal. I can tell you that I know very few men who have never, ever cheated.[/QUOTE]

Of course it still happens.

Nobody can be 100% sure either, but I think, that is the point. You aren't 100% sure, but trust brings it up to 100%.

The best cheaters convince their lovers they are 100% loyal. That is what they do, until they are found out.

I've never cheated and hopefully I never will.

Anyway, if you think very few men will not cheat, do you accept that as normal?

The Big Red Button

[quote=[Deleted User];66427890]I think most people feel that their partner wouldn't cheat, though. It still happens.[/QUOTE]

But the thing is, I don't agree with that. Most people I know are suspicious/wary that their partner might cheat.

[quote=[Deleted User];66427890] How do you know? Most people never find out. I've had people tell me they'd never been cheated on when I knew for a fact they had. I'm not trying to say you have or you haven't, but nobody really can be 100% sure. [/QUOTE]

As regards my past relationships - I have always been the one pushing for an open relationship, not the fella. Not something I'm particularly proud of, but I was young, and not ready to settle down. If he didn't agree to it, I broke up with him. And when I got what I wanted, I took full advantage of it, but I remember that my ex was with another girl just once and felt horrific about it. Even though I was just happy that I wasn't the baddy for once! :rolleyes: But basically, I was never in a position before where I might have been "cheated" on without knowing about it. Although to be honest I had never been in a relationship where it would have bothered me all that much if I had been.

[quote=[Deleted User];66427890] Sounds similar to my ex, and he cheated on his ex, me, and even tried to cheat on his current girlfriend with me - I stayed over at his shortly after the break up and he never mentioned a new girlfriend. Honestly, everyone thinks he's the most honest, sound guy you'd ever meet. He comes across as so mature and grounded and just a lovely bloke. I've seen the new gf's blog and she thinks she's the luckiest girl on earth to have him. He honestly just is the last person you'd expect to be a cheater, and he is, a serial one and the most amazing liar I've ever met in my life. I'm sure your bloke isn't like this but it's not as if the rest of us think we're with someone who's going to cheat. Most people think their bloke is solid, honest and loyal. I can tell you that I know very few men who have never, ever cheated.[/QUOTE]

To be perfectly honest, that sounds just a wee bit bitter. I'm sorry you had a bad experience. I fully accept that my guy is part of a tiny minority. But you don't know him, you know nothing about him. For a start, he couldn't lie to save his life, and wouldn't want to either.

But the funny thing is, I don't even really feel the need to defend him. I know that he wouldn't cheat. (Although, as I said in a previous post, that knowledge isn't really a dealbreaker to me.) Some guys cheat - even the lovely ones. Some guys don't, and won't. My guy wouldn't be bothered with cheating, if he wanted to be with someone else he'd break up with me first. It's just the way he is. I know that, and that's enough for me. I do understand that some people just can't understand that, but the thing is that they don't need to! It's only himself and I that are in the relationship.

Whispered

[quote=[Deleted User];66427890]I think most people feel that their partner wouldn't cheat, though. It still happens.[/QUOTE]

Thanks Kailyn Zealous Salesman, thats exactly what I mean. Thousands of people I'm sure feel complete and utter disbelief if a partner cheats on them. Who's to say my partner, your partner, your friends partner etc is any different.

I would never suspect my OH, ever, I would be absolutely shocked and suprised if he ever did. If I had to put my life on it I would say that he would never cheat. He's honest, he hates cheaters and he loves me. I would say I'm completly sure my OH would not cheat. BUT surely every other cheated on girlfriend would have said the same?

Does that make sense? I'm not saying I don't trust him, I am saying that people often trust and that trust is broken so often. It's sad to see long term relationships break up due to cheating. I don't think I could ever get my head around it if it happened to me. Part of what I love about my fiance is the fact he's so honest and I feel I can trust him. I'd guess that is important in 99% of relationships. Not only would cheating undermine the relationship, but it would introduce a whole other part of his character the cheated on partner would have never seen before.

I'm not making much sense now, just thinking out loud really.

Wibbs

K-9 wrote: »

I agree with that, there is a selfishness involved, definitely, perfectly shown by your examples.

Yea but I reckon its not a conscious thing for the most part. It's just this self centered thing going on. All too common.

Did you know they were in a relationship though? Don't mean that in a bad way.

No not at all K-9. Honestly? Half and half. Some I did, some I didnt. TBH Mostly I didnt really care. Thats the gods honest truth. I wasnt the one breaking any trust, they were. And if it wasnt with me it would have been with someone else. To have more than one tell me in one breath "I have a boyfriend" and later on how much they loved him and in the next breath we were getting down and dirty has coloured my perceptions. On a couple of occasions where Ive seen women(and men) mates act as if nada has happened when talking to their partners, has I'll admit made me somewhat jaded. I have to say women are usualy, but not always way better at covering it up and brassing it out too. All that experience and the experiences of when I was cheated on. I never blamed the other guy. I didnt know them and they didnt know me. I blamed the exes in those times. Every time. If it had been one of my mates? Then yes I'd have gone for them, but otherwise no.

Now? If someone told me they loved me? Id believe it. I'd believe it at the time and hope for the best. From experience I wouldnt always expect to believe it a week later. A day later in one case and barely 4 hours later in another.

I've seen on on all sides, except ironically not having cheated myself. Ive had the chance in relationships were I was fond of someone and not much more and I didnt. When Ive been in love? No way. Wouldn't occur to me. No moral kudos on my part either BTW, its just how Im built. I could see how if I was different I might well be the cheater. There but for the grace of, go I, kinda thing.

I know couples where it works so well and I recognise and laud that, but I'm probably too far gone the cynic route myself.

K-9

Wibbs wrote: »

Yea but I reckon its not a conscious thing for the most part. It's just this self centered thing going on. All too common.

I get what you are saying. It's beyond selfisheness, it is just about me, me, me! :rolleyes:

I do get what you are saying, just it is very hard to put in words!

Wibbs wrote:

No not at all K-9. Honestly? Half and half. Some I did, some I didnt. TBH Mostly I didnt really care. Thats the gods honest truth. I wasnt the one breaking any trust, they were. And if it wasnt with me it would have been with someone else. To have more than one tell me in one breath "I have a boyfriend" and later on how much they loved him and in the next breath we were getting down and dirty has coloured my perceptions. On a couple of occasions where Ive seen women(and men) mates act as if nada has happened when talking to their partners, has I'll admit made me somewhat jaded. I have to say women are usualy, but not always way better at covering it up and brassing it out too. All that experience and the experiences of when I was cheated on. I never blamed the other guy. I didnt know them and they didnt know me. I blamed the exes in those times. Every time. If it had been one of my mates? Then yes I'd have gone for them, but otherwise no.


I've seen on on all sides, except ironically not having cheated myself. Ive had the chance in relationships were I was fond of someone and not much more and I didnt. When Ive been in love? No way. Wouldn't occur to me. No moral kudos on my part either BTW, its just how Im built. I could see how if I was different I might well be the cheater. There but for the grace of, go I, kinda thing.

That was what I was getting onto. For the half that you knew, you were just another number? On a different night, it would have been somebody else?

Yes, you were there for her emotionally, or the sex wasn't great (with the bf!), loads of different reasons, but really, they are excuses. I suppose, it just would have been somebody else anyway!

Wibbs wrote:

Now? If someone told me they loved me? Id believe it. I'd believe it at the time and hope for the best. From experience I wouldnt always expect to believe it a week later. A day later in one case and barely 4 hours later in another.

Surely a day later and 4 hours later says a lot about the partner?

Scrap that, of course it does!

Anyway, I do know what you are saying. Been there and of course a cheater will never admit they cheated, very rarely. Expecting a cheater to own up is generally anathema to their character.

Indeed, they'll go out of their way to paint themselves as the paragon of virtue. "No way would I ever cheat!" Identify with that.

As for moral kudos, to a degree. I have moral backbone in this respect of my character, other areas I'd be more Machiavellian.

Snowie

bills wrote: »

I dont agree. If someone feels their needs are not met, then they should tell the other person in the relationship that they are not happy. How is the other person going to know that that their partner's needs are not met. Its really sneaky & selfish to just turn around & put yourself first instead of discussing & sorting the issue with your partner.

Ideally that makes lot sof sence toruble with humans is there not ideal.

How many women or men for that matter reject there partnres attmpt at intimcy for what ever reason's?

S/he trys to talk about it and what happens. Its brushed under the table and the subject changed!

people marry for love for all the right reason yet at times one of the couple may, start with-holding intimcy for there own reason. How could you, or any body stand that for half there life?

Now adays its so easy to go knocking on certain websites doors and you can meet some one in a couple of days no matter what sex you are or what your orintation is.

Ideally we'd all have long and lasting reletionships ut unfortunatly. it doesnt happen like that how i discribed but it does, and with the internet these needs can be meet...

thats why I posted what i said and i think its a perfect point to make itimicey rejection well if it happened to me I'd adrees the situation, obvously but some people dont and wont they just carry on, like everythings normal... except its anything but.

so to me in my mind, intimcey rejection is denying the very thing that people need with in a reletionship..


Granted some men and women are keniving, cheeting scum of the earth but thast them, and in that way it is sleaz it is dissgusting.. But its human beings... They have to cheat for what ever reason....

mardybumbum

Whispered wrote: »

Can I ask if you're in relationships? Or have been and did you trust him/her then?

At the moment, yes I am. As I said above, I dont trust anyone 100%, not just in relation to romantic partners, but my family and friends also.

I dont mean to cause offence to anyone, but I believe It is a pretty naive statement to make when you say you trust somebody 100%. Nobody is perfect. People lie, succumb to temptations, and so on. Everybody is guilty of these things.

Sure I dont even trust myself.

Victor

Whispered wrote: »

Is there a certain type who cheats?

People in relationships. It sounds glib, but its true.

Emme

Bryn wrote: »

I dont agree with that at all

I used to think that way as well, that there had to be 100% physical fidelity as well as emotional fidelity in a relationship. I myself would be willing to give 100% fidelity either way. However, some men seem to think differently. Men who travel to football/rugby matches or go on stags get locked with their mates and don't think about what they're doing at the time. There will always be women who either won't look for a wedding ring or won't ask the right questions. I'm not saying men have less self-control when it comes to physical fidelity, but they do seem to get carried away in the heat of the moment. They're out with a pack of lads, they're surrounded by young pretty women, everyone's having fun and they don't think about what they're doing or the consequences.

I hasten to add that I wouldn't touch any of those men with a bargepole. I may not believe in 100% physical fidelity but I still live in hope and I'm not going to be part of an act of infidelity on a man's part.

I'm sure women are just as bad, but the women in my circle of friends largely think like me - they don't want to be with anyone who's doing the dirt on his wife/girlfriend, but they've seen enough of life to realise that 100% physical fidelity in a relationship is a rare thing.

Unfortunately the ideal and the reality are often very far removed.

Whispered

What you're saying makes sense with regards to emotional fidelity. But is physical fidelity such a rare thing?

Would you forgive a ONS with a stranger easier than a passionate kiss with a good female friend? To be honest, I could probably see past the ONS a bit quicker! Really made me think Emme!

maryqwerty

emme? when you say men are surrounded by ''young pretty women'' at these matches, what age bracket are u talking? just curious if u mean other peoples fiances (30-32yr olds?) or younger 25 yr olds? teens? 28yrolds? just wondering how old these women are that lure men in...

Wibbs

While I agree with much of what you're saying Emme, I would add that IME its 50/50 men/women cheating wise. People I know wouldnt be representative as its a small sample, but even so more women I know have played away in "proper" adult longtermers than the men I know. Way more have emotional affairs. Actually I can think of only one bloke Ive known who had an emotional affair, where the majority of the women I know have. In other groups it's more the men of course, but I would say it balances out at 50/50 gender split. It depends on age too I think. More men of 35 will play away than women of 35 and more women of 25 will than men. Women have more opportunities to do so too. Sellers market and all that so that must have an effect.

How Strange

I trust my OH completely. Do I think he would cheat? Yes, under certain circumstances. Do I think I would cheat? Again, yes under certain circumstances. Do either of us have any intention to cheat in the future? No.

IMO trust is one thing, blind faith is another. Any woman or man who says they believe their OH would never cheat on them is deluded. Everyone is capable of cheating. It doesn't make them a bad person, it doesn't mean they have some fundamental character flaw. It just means that at that given time the circumstances may be such that they decide to betray their OH have an affair or cheat.

I've always said that the day my OH cheats on me I know it's over because it's not his style so if he cheats it's a BAD sign for our relationship.

Maple

How Strange wrote: »

I trust my OH completely. Do I think he would cheat? Yes, under certain circumstances. Do I think I would cheat? Again, yes under certain circumstances. Do either of us have any intention to cheat in the future? No.

This is it in a nutshell. I feel everyone has the potential to cheat, the difference is whether or not you act on the opportunity.

And in a relationship you have to hope and trust that it won't happen.

Whispered

How Strange wrote: »

I trust my OH completely. Do I think he would cheat? Yes, under certain circumstances. Do I think I would cheat? Again, yes under certain circumstances. Do either of us have any intention to cheat in the future? No.

Just wanted to emphasise my thanks. You've answered my initial question in a few easy sentences.

So the circumstances which would lead to cheating, would have a lot to do with the state of the relationship right? In that case, a cheated on woman/man would be right to look at what they could have done to prevent it? Accept some of the blame in some cases?

kiwi123

I think trust is built up over time, by both parties proving themselves to be trustworthy. After previous relationships however, i would always keep certain things private (i would normally be considered very open) but i think by doing this it makes it easier to protect yourself if you get. I would always keep some of me and my emotions to myself.

Whispered

Whispered wrote: »

In that case, a cheated on woman/man would be right to look at what they could have done to prevent it? Accept some of the blame in some cases?

Christ, no. I have a very low opinion of anyone who cheats and even more so if they blame their partner. If you have problems, you discuss them. If they're insurmountable, you part ways. You don't cheat.
Look at where the relationship went wrong, sure. Blame yourself for being cheated on, absolutely not.

I trust my OH 100%. Does he tell me everything no, but he's absolutely not someone who would cheat. He places far too much value on attaching the emotional to the physical to even consider it. No, I don't care if that makes me sound like a fool

Novella

"I trust him 100%"

If I was going to be with someone, yeah, I'd wanna trust them 100%. That's what I need, personally. I think love is sort of just a bigger, stickier kind of trust. When you love someone, you let them take care of you, you let them see you when things are bad, just as you would when things are great, and that's trust. You gotta trust someone to let them in like that, and without trust, I just don't think there can be love.

I don't think there are 'types' of people who cheat. Anyone and everyone could cheat. I've cheated. I don't think that means I'm more likely than anyone else to ever cheat again in the future. I know for a fact that I wouldn't. For a start, I don't commit myself to anyone anymore unless I know that I'm in, in completely and totally. And when I'm in, naw, there's no way I'd betray someone.

I do think it's kind of sad when people say they don't trust anyone 100%. If you never trust someone like that, you're not doing yourself any favours, you're not protecting yourself, no matter how much you think you are. Sometimes you just have to give people the opportunity to let you down, for them to show you that they never will.

Emme

maryqwerty wrote: »

emme? when you say men are surrounded by ''young pretty women'' at these matches, what age bracket are u talking? just curious if u mean other peoples fiances (30-32yr olds?) or younger 25 yr olds? teens? 28yrolds? just wondering how old these women are that lure men in...

The women don't necessarily lure the men in. Some of the men might leave their wedding rings off or say nothing about whether they're attached/unattached. There's no particular age group but the men will chat up younger women if they can get away with it. I don't think younger women really bother with the older men, they might let the men buy them drinks but they won't give anything away.

OK, there are attached women out there who cheat on their partners but as Wibbs said, men have more opportunities to cheat, particularly as they get older.

I think that older single women are more vulnerable to these men because they're nearer their age group and they mightn't ask the right questions or look for the right signs, so to speak. I'm 37 myself and have lost count of the number of times I was chatted up men my age and older who turned out to be attached and thankfully I sussed that out before things went anywhere. OK, these men don't represent all men but they represent a fair proportion of men. If these men are to be believed I'm supposed to be grateful that an attached man is offering himself to me for the night!:eek:

I was so sick of being chatted up by attached men that recently I asked one man straight out why he cheated (after I found out he was married) and he said that it was down to a number of factors (excuses):

1) They're bored with what they have at home:rolleyes:

2) They're away from home in a city full of gorgeous available women and it's hard to resist something if it's offered on a plate:rolleyes:

3) Drunkenness lowers inhibitions and if people haven't much self-control to start with...:rolleyes:

I could go on forever because these people will always find excuses. There will always be cheaters and these people deserve each other.