Men : Is 12 sexual parteners alot in your mid 20s?

Chinafoot

Have you asked yourself why you "don't like it"?
Have you tried speaking to him about it?

krudler

Chinafoot wrote: »

Have you asked yourself why you "don't like it"?
Have you tried speaking to him about it?

A lot of people have a romantic notion that their partner was waiting around for them and didnt have any life experience up to now in regards to sex, thats obviously not the case and its a bit of a silly view to have, I used to be like this myself. call it insecurity, call it jealousy or whatever, its human nature to want to experience something with someone for the first time together, someone with a colourful past nullifies that.

Chinafoot

krudler wrote: »

A lot of people have a romantic notion that their partner was waiting around for them and didnt have any life experience up to now in regards to sex, thats obviously not the case and its a bit of a silly view to have, I used to be like this myself. call it insecurity, call it jealousy or whatever, its human nature to want to experience something with someone for the first time together, someone with a colourful past nullifies that.

To me thats not romantic, it's immature and unrealistic. Also, was the OP a virgin before her boyfriend? If not, it kind of nullifies the "first experience together" argument.

For it to be an issue after 2 years of a relationship is very strange to me. But I'm not the OP and its something she'll have to work out for herself I guess.

LynseyH

Chinafoot wrote: »

Have you asked yourself why you "don't like it"?
Have you tried speaking to him about it?

I dont like it because sex isnt just sex for me. I could never have sex with a randomer. Its meaningful and not something to just throw around for me anyways. So being with someone who has just thrown it around isnt exactly something i like.

LynseyH

Chinafoot wrote: »

To me thats not romantic, it's immature and unrealistic. Also, was the OP a virgin before her boyfriend? If not, it kind of nullifies the "first experience together" argument.

For it to be an issue after 2 years of a relationship is very strange to me. But I'm not the OP and its something she'll have to work out for herself I guess.

No i wasnt a virgin before him. But i hadnt been with many guys. Only in long term relationships.

I am dealing with it, i have to. But i just wanted to know what other people thought.

Chinafoot

LynseyH wrote: »

I dont like it because sex isnt just sex for me. I could never have sex with a randomer. Its meaningful and not something to just throw around for me anyways. So being with someone who has just thrown it around isnt exactly something i like.

Again, I don't see how he has just "thrown it around" but to each their own. And on that note, not everyone is going to have the same opinions on sex as you. Sex is a very natural thing and some people don't feel that it needs to happen with someone they love or someone they intend to stay with for a long time. Two consenting adults who want to have a good time and decide to have sex aren't morally bankrupt slags and it doesn't make them bad people. Tbh, I personally would hate to be with someone who looked down on me and judged me because I didn't have a "sex is sacred" view during my youth.

If its bothering you enough that you felt the need to post about it here, then you need to talk to him about it and either get over it and realise that not everyone will have the same view on things as you, or if you can't get over it, leave him and find someone who's sexual past you'll feel more comfortable with.

The Corinthian

I would be more concerned with a person's ability to maintain a monogamous relationship than number or frequency.

For example, if between 18 and 24, someone had two monogamous relationships lasting two and three years and in-between went of a rampage and slept with 10 others is probably a better relationship bet to someone who slept with 12 over the same period, going out with each for a maximum of six months.

iguana

LynseyH wrote: »

Whats happened to people thinking that sex is more a sacred personal act of showing affection for someone?. I cant understand why people sleep around. I think its much more pleasurable to have sex with someone you care about than someone thats means nothing. Sex becomes meaningless. I think its sad the way the modern attitude of what sex is and what it means has become.

Sex without love isn't modern at all, in fact biologically speaking it's the love that's modern, a recent add-on to what existed for millions of years before. Sex wasn't designed to be a special sacred act of love. It's an act of procreation and because nothing and no-one is immortal our species can only survive by procreation so we have evolved to not only find that act incredibly pleasurable but to feel a deep urge to have sex at certain times and frustration if we don't have it.

Our species, and our species alone, has evolved to feel an incredible and complex array of emotions and thoughts. So we can also attach an incredible array of emotions to sex, mainly because our species is so complex our young need a lot of very in-depth parenting so we have evolved in a way that we form attachments to our lovers which can last decades.

So sex can be an amazing, wonderful, intense expression of love and commitment and partnership. But that's not all it is. It's also an animal, biological urge that is just brilliant fun. It can be both together, or it can be one or the other. But it was fun first, the love and emotion came second.

And while certainly sex as part of a loving relationship is more worthwhile and more pleasurable than random hook-ups, random hook-ups can be pretty great too. Look at it this way. Do you always only eat the finest chocolate? Do you only buy handmade, 70% or more cocoa, artisan chocolates? Or do you enjoy those but sometimes think "mmmmmmmm Starbar/Twix/Rolos!!!!" It's perfectly possible to enjoy the very best things in life but also sometimes enjoy things of less substance. Having enjoyed casual sex in the past doesn't make the love you share now any less meaningful.

seenitall

iguana wrote: »

Do you always only eat the finest chocolate? Do you only buy handmade, 70% or more cocoa, artisan chocolates?

Yes, yes, YES!!! Always buy the best, and often, too (Green and Blacks and some nice dark Lindt).

Life is just too short to be half-enjoying a crappy, over-sugared bar. :cool:

LighterGuy

Dudess wrote: »

What are you basing these "facts" on?
Not everyone lies, you don't know what the genuine answers are for everyone, whatever number a partner tells you is not always a lie.

And 12 partners by the mid 20s - well it depends on what the individual considers a little or a lot, but generally speaking, it's not a lot at all. If that person lost their virginity at 18, that's 12 people in seven years - not even two a year.

Where do I base these facts on? ... Because I live in the real world. Or maybe its just common sense?
Yes. Not everyone lies. A person would be a cynic if they thought that. But on the other side, a person would be naive and stupid if they thought everyone tells the truth. (this is where intuition, common sense etc comes in play but thats another topic)


Lets take the "have you ever had a one night stand?" question - you could ask 20 random people. Only a small number would say they did. In reality, we both know its more accurate the majority have.

In relationships people tend to dumb down how many partners they slept with. Most people tend to be honest and say how many exs they've had. But always dont count the one night stands or the people they might have dated and slept with for a short amount of time when telling a new parter how many they've been with.

No one ever wants to come off as a person whos "been around"

Chinafoot

LighterGuy wrote: »

Sad fact is ALL people lie when it comes to how many they've slept with.

......

So whatever number a partner tells you ... is a lie.

LighterGuy wrote: »

Yes. Not everyone lies. A person would be a cynic if they thought that.

Well which is it? Either "ALL people lie" when it comes to the number of previous partners, or they don't. You're contradicting your "facts" here.

Dudess

tenchi-fan wrote: »

Also, don't forget the rule of three:
"If a guy tells you how many girls he's hooked up with, it's not even close to that. You take that number and divide it by three, then you get the real total. "

Where do these "rules" and "facts" come from and does anyone actually buy into them? It's a shame sexual preference, something that varies so much from individual to individual, is treated in terms of broad social trends.

LynseyH wrote: »

Whats happened to people thinking that sex is more a sacred personal act of showing affection for someone?. I cant understand why people sleep around. I think its much more pleasurable to have sex with someone you care about than someone thats means nothing. Sex becomes meaningless. I think its sad the way the modern attitude of what sex is and what it means has become.

But thats my opinion.

That's the thing - it is your opinion and people have a different take on things to you, including, possibly, your boyfriend, and that's just the way things are. But honestly, 12 sexual partners between the ages of 18 and 24 - that could still be the past of someone who values sex as a loving act moreso than a casual shag (it's a low number in the grand scheme of things)... but at the same time, the two aren't mutually exclusive. I also prefer sex as a loving act - much prefer it - but that doesn't mean I won't have the odd casual encounter. It's sometimes just a biological urge too and we have basic needs in this department.

LynseyH wrote: »

I dont like it because sex isnt just sex for me. I could never have sex with a randomer. Its meaningful and not something to just throw around for me anyways. So being with someone who has just thrown it around isnt exactly something i like.

But that's you forcing your take on things on someone else. Some people are cool with a different sex partner every couple of weeks, clocking up 20+ partners a year. That's unthinkable for you, and fair enough, but your take on things may be unthinkable to them. There isn't a specific "way" that everyone should subscribe too. It's a really personal thing.

LighterGuy wrote: »

Where do I base these facts on? ... Because I live in the real world. Or maybe its just common sense?
Yes. Not everyone lies. A person would be a cynic if they thought that. But on the other side, a person would be naive and stupid if they thought everyone tells the truth. (this is where intuition, common sense etc comes in play but thats another topic)

Oh right, so these things you speak of aren't actually facts.

Lets take the "have you ever had a one night stand?" question - you could ask 20 random people. Only a small number would say they did. In reality, we both know its more accurate the majority have.

In relationships people tend to dumb down how many partners they slept with. Most people tend to be honest and say how many exs they've had. But always dont count the one night stands or the people they might have dated and slept with for a short amount of time when telling a new parter how many they've been with.

No one ever wants to come off as a person whos "been around"

Your mind-reading and omniscience powers are really impressive...

iguana

seenitall wrote: »

Yes, yes, YES!!! Always buy the best, and often, too (Green and Blacks and some nice dark Lindt).

Neither of those are handmade, artisan chocolates, they are mass produced in factories. You my dear are still having the casual sex equivalent of chocolate. Really good, knee-trembling, regular lover, casual sex, but casual sex all the same.:P

Which kind of proves my point, OP. Even stuff that isn't the best of the best can still be extremely enjoyable. The sex I have with my husband is the best I've ever had, emotionally and physically. But that doesn't mean that I didn't have some very enjoyable sex before I met him, some of it with casual lovers or one night stands. Sex really isn't always about love and intimacy, sometimes it's the casual nature of it, the pure, unadulterated lust that makes it great.

Sure, that's not for everyone and there is nothing wrong with keeping sex special if that is how you feel. But it wasn't how your boyfriend felt and I doubt his past encounters make how he feels when he is with you any less special and meaningful. This is your issue and you either have to let him go or get over how you feel and stop letting it bother you.

LighterGuy

Dudess,
You have to take everything with a pinch of salt.
Alot of people have at least one night stand in their life. It happens. Are you really saying every man and woman on the face of this earth is going to be honest when a new partner asks the ultimate question "how many you've been with?"

According to you. Yes. I'm sure everyone would say "oh i've had X amount of ex's ... oh and i met a person in Qbar 10 months ago and went back home to theirs and had sex. Just a one night stand ya know. Only met them once"

No...people hide that. No one, weather it be a man or women, wants to come off as easy or maybe to spoil themselves with a partner by revealing "yeah i went home with a person after talking with them for a few hours for sex" ... live in the real world. And this isnt just about one night stands. It could be someone went out for a small number of dates with someone then slept with them. Then Just fizzled. People would hide that. No one wants to admit to dating someone for two weeks then sleeping with them - lets be honest... guys would admit it to other guys. girls to other girls. But never to a new partner.


Yes there are people out there who will be honest. And their answer is the honest number. But your point of argument seems to be to automatically believe everyone? thats just a "p.c" answer. Live in the real world. My argument is that alot of people will hide certain things. To be realistic. To weigh things up. That if something sounds to good to be true etc.

But undoubtably you will reply back re-inforcing your "opinion" (PC answer)

Rosita

Dudess wrote: »

Your mind-reading and omniscience powers are really impressive...

In fairness, Dudess, you own mind-reading and powers of omniscience are impressive too if this remark from yestreday is anything to go by: And 12 partners by the mid 20s - well it depends on what the individual considers a little or a lot, but generally speaking, it's not a lot at all. If that person lost their virginity at 18, that's 12 people in seven years - not even two a year.

This is generalising from the particular and I'm not sure if that is possible to do so accurately without an enormous leap of faith. Obviously you are entitled to do that in the sense of expressing an opinion but it is inconsistent to then expect others to also have a massive body of direct evidence to back up their every opinion.

If "it depends on what the individual considers a little or a lot" (i.e. it is a matter of individual opinion) then how can you credibly hold in the same sentence that "but generally speaking, it's not a lot at all". Surely this is just an individual opinion of your own? Who decides what is generally speaking "not a lot at all" when it is on the other hand apparently about individual choice?

No harm in that of course but if you are going to scrutine the opinions of others for epistimological soundness and draw distinctions between fact and opinion then perhaps you need to look at your own views in that light too.

Rosita

The Corinthian wrote: »

I would be more concerned with a person's ability to maintain a monogamous relationship than number or frequency.

For example, if between 18 and 24, someone had two monogamous relationships lasting two and three years and in-between went of a rampage and slept with 10 others is probably a better relationship bet to someone who slept with 12 over the same period, going out with each for a maximum of six months.

This is an interesting post as it indirectly raises the question of libido which has not been raised yet but surely is central even if impossible to define in an individual case. The discussion has broadly been presented as one where any amount of sexual activity is considered grand as long as there has been no infidelity which at one level is fair enough.

But is it not possible that high levels of sexual activity is evidence of a high libido/sex drive rather than merely 'lads being lads' or 'girls having a laugh'. If we accept this possibility then we might ask if it it possible to suppress this type of libido at will and become monogamus at the touch of a button?

Someone here said he "shagged" 14 different girls in a 14-night stint. I'm just wondering if someone is desirous of that level of sexual activity - in which any girl is probably a target - where does that desire go or how is it dealt with in a monogamus relationship where life gets in the way and sex is not available on tap?

I realise that the poster of that information is inevitably now in a wonderful monogamus six-year relationship with his partner while regretting nothing of what went before etc etc etc. so it's best to talk about these things in the abstract.

But is it not reasonable to wonder if someone who has an emotional/physical need for regular and perhaps varied sexual activity can be relied upon in the long run to participate whoolly and reliably in a monogamus relationship? Would we all be genuinely entirely convinced that there is no connection between 'number and frequency' in the past and a person's ability to maintain a monogamous relationship in the future? Would we have the same level of faith in someone who has had 500 sexual partners and someone who has had 5? Perhaps we need to be more sceptical.

The Corinthian

Rosita wrote: »

This is an interesting post as it indirectly raises the question of libido which has not been raised yet but surely is central even if impossible to define in an individual case.

While libido is a potential factor, this was not really what I meant. A man who goes on a rampage while remains in monogamous relationships the majority of the time may well have a high libido (and his partner will realistically need to match this) however it does show a mature capacity for relationships that will be lacking in someone who's history is marked by short and unstable ones.

So the former is more likely to be a long term partner, perhaps even lifelong. The latter will break up with you in a few weeks or months, possibly cheating along the way. Both will have slept with the same number of women, however it is more the pattern that will point to the character than the total.

Naturally, the same is probably true of women.

Dudess

LighterGuy wrote: »

Dudess,
You have to take everything with a pinch of salt.

No you don't "have" to.

Alot of people have at least one night stand in their life. It happens. Are you really saying every man and woman on the face of this earth is going to be honest when a new partner asks the ultimate question "how many you've been with?"

No? Again:

Sad fact is ALL people lie when it comes to how many they've slept with.

"All" people don't.

Th only genuine answers you'll ever get is when a person genuinely only has had a few partners. (which is hard to find in this day and age even when a person hits 20)

You don't know what the only genuine answers are.

So whatever number a partner tells you ... is a lie.

No, it isn't.

All I'm saying is, you're making a lot of untrue, unsubstantiated statements which is misleading for the OP. I made that point and your interpretation is that I believe everyone is truthful? I didn't say that, obviously.

Rosita wrote: »

In fairness, Dudess, you own mind-reading and powers of omniscience are impressive too if this remark from yestreday is anything to go by: And 12 partners by the mid 20s - well it depends on what the individual considers a little or a lot, but generally speaking, it's not a lot at all. If that person lost their virginity at 18, that's 12 people in seven years - not even two a year.

This is generalising from the particular and I'm not sure if that is possible to do so accurately without an enormous leap of faith. Obviously you are entitled to do that in the sense of expressing an opinion but it is inconsistent to then expect others to also have a massive body of direct evidence to back up their every opinion.

Observationally speaking so. And where did I ask for a "massive body of direct evidence to back up their every opinion?" Lol. All I said was it's a bit much to say something is a fact when it isn't, to say that "everyone" does this and that, and that any answer to a particular question is a lie.

What I was saying was really quite straightforward.

IzzyWizzy

Dudess wrote: »

All I'm saying is, you're making a lot of untrue, unsubstantiated statements which is misleading for the OP. I made that point and your interpretation is that I believe everyone is truthful? I didn't say that, obviously.

Observationally speaking so. And where did I ask for a "massive body of direct evidence to back up their every opinion?" Lol. All I said was it's a bit much to say something is a fact when it isn't, to say that "everyone" does this and that, and that any answer to a particular question is a lie.

What I was saying was really quite straightforward.

The thing is none of these statements are 'fact'. It's no more misleading to say that everyone has had a one night stand and lied about it than to say 'generally speaking' 12 partners isn't a lot and then give an example of someone who starts having sex at 18 and has two partners a year. We have no idea if that's the case for OP's boyfriend. We have no idea if 12 partners is a lot in general because everyone behaves so differently. I know people who have had 35+ partners. I know more people who have had only one or two and would consider five a high number. People my age, mid twenties. It's really impossible to establish any sort of norm or truth about any of this. I could take your same assumption of 12 partners in 7 years and say it's shockingly high because that's either two different partners every year for 7 years, or a couple of long term relationships and a lot of one night stands.

Rosita

Dudess wrote: »

Observationally speaking so. And where did I ask for a "massive body of direct evidence to back up their every opinion?" Lol. All I said was it's a bit much to say something is a fact when it isn't, to say that "everyone" does this and that, and that any answer to a particular question is a lie.

What I was saying was really quite straightforward.

What you were saying was probably quite straightforward, and I couldn't agree more that it's a bit much to say something is a fact when it isn't. It just that we must practise as we preach so to speak.

Dudess

Observationally speaking, among my peers, 12 sexual partners by one's mid 20s is not much. That's a fact.

"Everyone lies about their sexual history"... is not a fact.

IzzyWizzy

Dudess wrote: »

Observationally speaking, among my peers, 12 sexual partners by one's mid 20s is not much. That's a fact.

"Everyone lies about their sexual history"... is not a fact.

I could also say observationally speaking, among my peers, 12 sexual partners is ridiculously high. It's not much of a fact though, is it?