Men : Is 12 sexual parteners alot in your mid 20s?

LynseyH

My boyfriend has slept with 12 women when he was between 18-24.

Its a huge turn off for me, i think its alot of parteners, but he disagrees.

All you men out there would you agree that is alot or not?

Im not sure what the average amount of sexual parteners for the average bloke is.

Faith

My ex had about the same number by 26 and I considered it pretty normal.

prinz

It's really irrelevant what other people see as 'normal', 'average' or a 'lot'. It's up to you OP in fairness. Can you come to terms with it or not..

Is someone else telling you they had 50 partners by that stage honestly going to make your bf's history any less of a turn off for you? It's really something that is only relevant to you and to your relationship.

Chinafoot

LynseyH wrote: »

My boyfriend has slept with 12 women when he was between 18-24.

So over a 6 or 7 year period he had sex with ~2 people a year.
I personally don't see it as excessive at all, but I'm not you.
As Prinz said, it comes down to what you think yourself. If its a deal-breaker for you then its a deal-breaker. I would think that you'll have a hard time finding many men in the mid-twenties that havent had a number around that of your current boyfriend, though, unless they've had long term relationships.

sarmer

I'm a girl and I don't think it's a lot at all!! I'd say it's very normal. Think about it, that's on average 2 girls a year so he definitely doesn't sound like the type of guy who was out every weekend shagging lots of different girls.

Numbers don't really bother me at all. I'd only be worried if he had been cheating on previous girlfriends or he wasn't using condoms.

krudler

Ah the old "how many" question, tbh its a question you shouldnt ask if you cant handle the answer you're going to get.

Everyone has an idea of whats "acceptable", to some 5 by 25 is too many, to some 50 by 25 wouldnt bat an eyelid. Whether or not you're able to accept it and move on is up to you. Someone who was what you may deem promiscuous may not cheat on you,promiscuity doesnt equal unfaithfulness.

When you look at it thats less than 2 people a year. Thats not a huge amount when you think of it, i'm assuming he was in a few relationships as well during all this so its not like he was doing someone different every weekend.

dontbemean

the way i look at it, the more experience a person has, the more likely it is that they'll know what they're doing in bed... nothing wrong with that.

tenchi-fan

Also, don't forget the rule of three:
"If a guy tells you how many girls he's hooked up with, it's not even close to that. You take that number and divide it by three, then you get the real total. "

Miss Fluff

You catagorically should not be asking those questions if you can't handle being given an answer. It really is as simple as that. Why do people feel this compulsion to have exact numbers and then freak out when told the truth???

As an aside, 12 partners in his mid-20s hardly makes the chap Don Juan. I would think that would be pretty average. And like I said above, it sounds like you might not be happy with his answer regardless of the figure he gave you. Give the guy a break....

LynseyH

tenchi-fan wrote: »

Also, don't forget the rule of three:
"If a guy tells you how many girls he's hooked up with, it's not even close to that. You take that number and divide it by three, then you get the real total. "

Ha iv heard that plenty. But i dont understand why a man would want to up his number? I think it turns women off. I think women prefer to hear that a man has a low number.

krudler

tenchi-fan wrote: »

Also, don't forget the rule of three:
"If a guy tells you how many girls he's hooked up with, it's not even close to that. You take that number and divide it by three, then you get the real total. "

Thats nonsense tbh, I think most women would rather a guy had a low number and was in a stable relationship where he knew what he was doing instead of a high number and just throwing it into anyone at the weekends, high numbers dont impress anyone.

LighterGuy

Sad fact is ALL people lie when it comes to how many they've slept with.

Th only genuine answers you'll ever get is when a person genuinely only has had a few partners. (which is hard to find in this day and age even when a person hits 20)

So whatever number a partner tells you ... is a lie.

krudler

LighterGuy wrote: »

Sad fact is ALL people lie when it comes to how many they've slept with.

Th only genuine answers you'll ever get is when a person genuinely only has had a few partners. (which is hard to find in this day and age even when a person hits 20)

So whatever number a partner tells you ... is a lie.

I dont, dont see the point. I'm nearly 30 and my number isnt huge by any means, but I've had 3 long term relationships (2 years+)

Wagon

LynseyH wrote: »

Ha iv heard that plenty. But i dont understand why a man would want to up his number? I think it turns women off. I think women prefer to hear that a man has a low number.

Men prefer to hear a low number too. I think that anyone who multiplies by 3 is a bit of a git and is only trying to impress his mates.

The longer someone has been having sex the higher their number is bound to be. But it averages to 2 a year for him. It isn't high at all. I've met many people with much worse.

But it isn't important what i say. Like someone said above, if it's too high for your standards, it's too high. And you're entitled to that. If you think it's worth putting behind you then make the effort. In my experience though, if you look down on him for his number then break up now because it'll end anyway.

Esoteric_

All people do NOT lie about their sexual partners. I've slept with 2 people and am 21, and would not have it any other way, except I'd prefer if it was only the one. My boyfriend has had one sexual partner (myself) and my ex was a virgin til he met me, too. I'm not a prude or anything, I just am not confident enough to have taken people up on their offers in the past :P

I would prefer if my partners had NOT slept with 12 people by their mid twenties, but that's because of low self esteem, not because it's not normal. It's a pretty normal number. I know a 20 year old who's slept with more than that and she's far from a slut. She's only slept with 2 people in the last year, but lots of people go a bit nuts when they're teenagers.

So yeah 12 is normal, but if it's something that bothers YOU, then it's an issue. You need to realize that he's with YOU, not them and he doesn't appear to want any of them back, so there's really nothing to worry about.

Dudess

LighterGuy wrote: »

Sad fact is ALL people lie when it comes to how many they've slept with.

Th only genuine answers you'll ever get is when a person genuinely only has had a few partners. (which is hard to find in this day and age even when a person hits 20)

So whatever number a partner tells you ... is a lie.

What are you basing these "facts" on?
Not everyone lies, you don't know what the genuine answers are for everyone, whatever number a partner tells you is not always a lie.

And 12 partners by the mid 20s - well it depends on what the individual considers a little or a lot, but generally speaking, it's not a lot at all. If that person lost their virginity at 18, that's 12 people in seven years - not even two a year.

Denimgirl

as you get older you are not going to find a guy or a girl really that they could count on one hand how many they slept with it does happen but not often,is'nt it good thathe got all that out of his system?i think your creating a problem here.if you do break up it's gonna be difficult to find first: to find a guy you click with, second: a guy that slept with the amount of girls you think is acceptable!it's goona be tough especially as you get older! it's his past he told you the truth don't make an issue out of it you did'nt know him then it's what he does when he's with you now that counts!

krudler

I remember when I was 21 I was dating someone who was just gone 19 and had 22 partners, she only lost her virginity at 17 so thats a lot by whatever standards, and yeah it bugged me to the point where I lost respect for her because of it. she said that wasnt including guys who she "just" gave blow jobs to either, I didnt even want to know that number tbh. On the other hand the guy she started seeing after me is still with her 7 years later so it worked out for her in the end.

a friend of my girlfriends is a self admitted tramp, she'll sleep with anyone who looks at her, she actually doesnt know how many but its near 200 at this stage. its gotten to the stage now where on a night out she'll have a few guys hanging around her at the end of a club as they know they're guaranteed a shag from her.Yet she complains she cant get a boyfriend as everyone knows she's the town bike, you reap what you sow though...

seenitall

krudler wrote: »

a friend of my girlfriends is a self admitted tramp, she'll sleep with anyone who looks at her, she actually doesnt know how many but its near 200 at this stage. its gotten to the stage now where on a night out she'll have a few guys hanging around her at the end of a club as they know they're guaranteed a shag from her.Yet she complains she cant get a boyfriend as everyone knows she's the town bike, you reap what you sow though...

OMG. This must be about the saddest thing that I have read on these PI threads so far.

LynseyH

Dudess wrote: »

that's 12 people in seven years - not even two a year.

Well hes been with me almost 2 years and was with someone for a year and a half before me too. So thats 12 parteners in a shorter period than if he wasnt in two long relationships.

krudler

seenitall wrote: »

OMG. This must be about the saddest thing that I have read on these PI threads so far.

Well tbh I have zero sympathy for her, she knows what people think of her but wont stop doing it, any guy that even comes close to liking her freaks as soon as they find out she sleeps around so much, and she doesnt use protection most of the time either which is just scary,shes "too embarassed" to buy condoms apparently, like thats more embarassing than getting an STI?

LynseyH

krudler wrote: »

a friend of my girlfriends is a self admitted tramp, she'll sleep with anyone who looks at her, she actually doesnt know how many but its near 200 at this stage. its gotten to the stage now where on a night out she'll have a few guys hanging around her at the end of a club as they know they're guaranteed a shag from her.Yet she complains she cant get a boyfriend as everyone knows she's the town bike, you reap what you sow though...

Whats happened to people thinking that sex is more a sacred personal act of showing affection for someone?. I cant understand why people sleep around. I think its much more pleasurable to have sex with someone you care about than someone thats means nothing. Sex becomes meaningless. I think its sad the way the modern attitude of what sex is and what it means has become.

But thats my opinion.

LynseyH

And also, if men dont like when women sleep around, why do they do it? Why do they up their numbers?. I have more respect for a man that is confident to say yeah i have a low number.

To men out there, that sleep around, or have a high number. You cannot put down a woman for doing exactly what your doing.

Chinafoot

LynseyH wrote: »

Well hes been with me almost 2 years and was with someone for a year and a half before me too. So thats 12 parteners in a shorter period than if he wasnt in two long relationships.

So that's around ~4 partners a year. Thats still not a huge amount for someone in their late teens early 20s. That averages around 1 partner every 3 months, hardly shagging around every weekend.

I'm more surprised that this is now an issue after almost 2 years of being together. If you have a stable and loving relationship, I don't see how his actions frpm 3 and a half years ago can be upsetting you so much. He's with you, and has been for almost 2 years.

LynseyH

Chinafoot wrote: »

I'm more surprised that this is now an issue after almost 2 years of being together. If you have a stable and loving relationship, I don't see how his actions frpm 3 and a half years ago can be upsetting you so much. He's with you, and has been for almost 2 years.

Its not an issue between us really. Its just always at the back of my mind, and i dont like it. But i try and forget about it. Its just a turn off.

Rosita

Miss Fluff wrote: »

You catagorically should not be asking those questions if you can't handle being given an answer. It really is as simple as that. Why do people feel this compulsion to have exact numbers and then freak out when told the truth???

Leaving aside completely the specifics of the issue up for discussion here it seems a very strange thing to say that someone should "categorically" not be asking questions unless they can guarantee they will be happy (which presumably is what you mean by being able to 'handle' an answer) with the answer.

People ask questions to get answers. If they are entitled to ask the question then surely they are entitled to have an opinion - their own opinion - on those answers?

To argue otherwise seems a bit irrational and defensive to my mind.

Chinafoot

LynseyH wrote: »

Its not an issue between us really. Its just always at the back of my mind, and i dont like it. But i try and forget about it. Its just a turn off.

Well, no disrespect or anything, but why did you feel the need to post in personal issues if its not a problem in your relationship?

Rosita

krudler wrote: »

shes "too embarassed" to buy condoms apparently,

You'd wonder what could be so embarrassing about putting a coin or two in a condom machine in a pub toilet.

seenitall

krudler wrote: »

Well tbh I have zero sympathy for her, she knows what people think of her but wont stop doing it, any guy that even comes close to liking her freaks as soon as they find out she sleeps around so much, and she doesnt use protection most of the time either which is just scary,shes "too embarassed" to buy condoms apparently, like thats more embarassing than getting an STI?

Oh I wasn't suggesting that she wasn't responsible for her own misfortune. No two ways about it. It is just that the person she is hurting the most in the long-term is herself and her own self-esteem. I don't think that woman is going anywhere good in terms of self-realisation and personal happiness (and that's putting it mildly). That's why it is sad.

However, I should also probably reserve my biggest sympathies for people who aren't actually co-creators of their own mysery...

LynseyH

Chinafoot wrote: »

Well, no disrespect or anything, but why did you feel the need to post in personal issues if its not a problem in your relationship?

I was curious to what other people thought. I wanted to know if other people thought it was a high or low number. If the majority thought it was normal, it would be easier to forget about it.

LegacyUser

12 is nothing I once shagged 13 girls in 13 nights out so maybe 3/4 weeks. That was about 15 years ago so cant actually remember, just have the 13 out of 13 in my head.
Rarely used condoms and never had a std. Have never lied about something as trivial as numbers and my long terms have never cared, found it a turn on that I was a dirty dog more like.

Chinafoot

Have you asked yourself why you "don't like it"?
Have you tried speaking to him about it?

krudler

Chinafoot wrote: »

Have you asked yourself why you "don't like it"?
Have you tried speaking to him about it?

A lot of people have a romantic notion that their partner was waiting around for them and didnt have any life experience up to now in regards to sex, thats obviously not the case and its a bit of a silly view to have, I used to be like this myself. call it insecurity, call it jealousy or whatever, its human nature to want to experience something with someone for the first time together, someone with a colourful past nullifies that.

Chinafoot

krudler wrote: »

A lot of people have a romantic notion that their partner was waiting around for them and didnt have any life experience up to now in regards to sex, thats obviously not the case and its a bit of a silly view to have, I used to be like this myself. call it insecurity, call it jealousy or whatever, its human nature to want to experience something with someone for the first time together, someone with a colourful past nullifies that.

To me thats not romantic, it's immature and unrealistic. Also, was the OP a virgin before her boyfriend? If not, it kind of nullifies the "first experience together" argument.

For it to be an issue after 2 years of a relationship is very strange to me. But I'm not the OP and its something she'll have to work out for herself I guess.

LynseyH

Chinafoot wrote: »

Have you asked yourself why you "don't like it"?
Have you tried speaking to him about it?

I dont like it because sex isnt just sex for me. I could never have sex with a randomer. Its meaningful and not something to just throw around for me anyways. So being with someone who has just thrown it around isnt exactly something i like.

LynseyH

Chinafoot wrote: »

To me thats not romantic, it's immature and unrealistic. Also, was the OP a virgin before her boyfriend? If not, it kind of nullifies the "first experience together" argument.

For it to be an issue after 2 years of a relationship is very strange to me. But I'm not the OP and its something she'll have to work out for herself I guess.

No i wasnt a virgin before him. But i hadnt been with many guys. Only in long term relationships.

I am dealing with it, i have to. But i just wanted to know what other people thought.

Chinafoot

LynseyH wrote: »

I dont like it because sex isnt just sex for me. I could never have sex with a randomer. Its meaningful and not something to just throw around for me anyways. So being with someone who has just thrown it around isnt exactly something i like.

Again, I don't see how he has just "thrown it around" but to each their own. And on that note, not everyone is going to have the same opinions on sex as you. Sex is a very natural thing and some people don't feel that it needs to happen with someone they love or someone they intend to stay with for a long time. Two consenting adults who want to have a good time and decide to have sex aren't morally bankrupt slags and it doesn't make them bad people. Tbh, I personally would hate to be with someone who looked down on me and judged me because I didn't have a "sex is sacred" view during my youth.

If its bothering you enough that you felt the need to post about it here, then you need to talk to him about it and either get over it and realise that not everyone will have the same view on things as you, or if you can't get over it, leave him and find someone who's sexual past you'll feel more comfortable with.

The Corinthian

I would be more concerned with a person's ability to maintain a monogamous relationship than number or frequency.

For example, if between 18 and 24, someone had two monogamous relationships lasting two and three years and in-between went of a rampage and slept with 10 others is probably a better relationship bet to someone who slept with 12 over the same period, going out with each for a maximum of six months.

iguana

LynseyH wrote: »

Whats happened to people thinking that sex is more a sacred personal act of showing affection for someone?. I cant understand why people sleep around. I think its much more pleasurable to have sex with someone you care about than someone thats means nothing. Sex becomes meaningless. I think its sad the way the modern attitude of what sex is and what it means has become.

Sex without love isn't modern at all, in fact biologically speaking it's the love that's modern, a recent add-on to what existed for millions of years before. Sex wasn't designed to be a special sacred act of love. It's an act of procreation and because nothing and no-one is immortal our species can only survive by procreation so we have evolved to not only find that act incredibly pleasurable but to feel a deep urge to have sex at certain times and frustration if we don't have it.

Our species, and our species alone, has evolved to feel an incredible and complex array of emotions and thoughts. So we can also attach an incredible array of emotions to sex, mainly because our species is so complex our young need a lot of very in-depth parenting so we have evolved in a way that we form attachments to our lovers which can last decades.

So sex can be an amazing, wonderful, intense expression of love and commitment and partnership. But that's not all it is. It's also an animal, biological urge that is just brilliant fun. It can be both together, or it can be one or the other. But it was fun first, the love and emotion came second.

And while certainly sex as part of a loving relationship is more worthwhile and more pleasurable than random hook-ups, random hook-ups can be pretty great too. Look at it this way. Do you always only eat the finest chocolate? Do you only buy handmade, 70% or more cocoa, artisan chocolates? Or do you enjoy those but sometimes think "mmmmmmmm Starbar/Twix/Rolos!!!!" It's perfectly possible to enjoy the very best things in life but also sometimes enjoy things of less substance. Having enjoyed casual sex in the past doesn't make the love you share now any less meaningful.

seenitall

iguana wrote: »

Do you always only eat the finest chocolate? Do you only buy handmade, 70% or more cocoa, artisan chocolates?

Yes, yes, YES!!! Always buy the best, and often, too (Green and Blacks and some nice dark Lindt).

Life is just too short to be half-enjoying a crappy, over-sugared bar. :cool:

LighterGuy

Dudess wrote: »

What are you basing these "facts" on?
Not everyone lies, you don't know what the genuine answers are for everyone, whatever number a partner tells you is not always a lie.

And 12 partners by the mid 20s - well it depends on what the individual considers a little or a lot, but generally speaking, it's not a lot at all. If that person lost their virginity at 18, that's 12 people in seven years - not even two a year.

Where do I base these facts on? ... Because I live in the real world. Or maybe its just common sense?
Yes. Not everyone lies. A person would be a cynic if they thought that. But on the other side, a person would be naive and stupid if they thought everyone tells the truth. (this is where intuition, common sense etc comes in play but thats another topic)


Lets take the "have you ever had a one night stand?" question - you could ask 20 random people. Only a small number would say they did. In reality, we both know its more accurate the majority have.

In relationships people tend to dumb down how many partners they slept with. Most people tend to be honest and say how many exs they've had. But always dont count the one night stands or the people they might have dated and slept with for a short amount of time when telling a new parter how many they've been with.

No one ever wants to come off as a person whos "been around"

Chinafoot

LighterGuy wrote: »

Sad fact is ALL people lie when it comes to how many they've slept with.

......

So whatever number a partner tells you ... is a lie.

LighterGuy wrote: »

Yes. Not everyone lies. A person would be a cynic if they thought that.

Well which is it? Either "ALL people lie" when it comes to the number of previous partners, or they don't. You're contradicting your "facts" here.

Dudess

tenchi-fan wrote: »

Also, don't forget the rule of three:
"If a guy tells you how many girls he's hooked up with, it's not even close to that. You take that number and divide it by three, then you get the real total. "

Where do these "rules" and "facts" come from and does anyone actually buy into them? It's a shame sexual preference, something that varies so much from individual to individual, is treated in terms of broad social trends.

LynseyH wrote: »

Whats happened to people thinking that sex is more a sacred personal act of showing affection for someone?. I cant understand why people sleep around. I think its much more pleasurable to have sex with someone you care about than someone thats means nothing. Sex becomes meaningless. I think its sad the way the modern attitude of what sex is and what it means has become.

But thats my opinion.

That's the thing - it is your opinion and people have a different take on things to you, including, possibly, your boyfriend, and that's just the way things are. But honestly, 12 sexual partners between the ages of 18 and 24 - that could still be the past of someone who values sex as a loving act moreso than a casual shag (it's a low number in the grand scheme of things)... but at the same time, the two aren't mutually exclusive. I also prefer sex as a loving act - much prefer it - but that doesn't mean I won't have the odd casual encounter. It's sometimes just a biological urge too and we have basic needs in this department.

LynseyH wrote: »

I dont like it because sex isnt just sex for me. I could never have sex with a randomer. Its meaningful and not something to just throw around for me anyways. So being with someone who has just thrown it around isnt exactly something i like.

But that's you forcing your take on things on someone else. Some people are cool with a different sex partner every couple of weeks, clocking up 20+ partners a year. That's unthinkable for you, and fair enough, but your take on things may be unthinkable to them. There isn't a specific "way" that everyone should subscribe too. It's a really personal thing.

LighterGuy wrote: »

Where do I base these facts on? ... Because I live in the real world. Or maybe its just common sense?
Yes. Not everyone lies. A person would be a cynic if they thought that. But on the other side, a person would be naive and stupid if they thought everyone tells the truth. (this is where intuition, common sense etc comes in play but thats another topic)

Oh right, so these things you speak of aren't actually facts.

Lets take the "have you ever had a one night stand?" question - you could ask 20 random people. Only a small number would say they did. In reality, we both know its more accurate the majority have.

In relationships people tend to dumb down how many partners they slept with. Most people tend to be honest and say how many exs they've had. But always dont count the one night stands or the people they might have dated and slept with for a short amount of time when telling a new parter how many they've been with.

No one ever wants to come off as a person whos "been around"

Your mind-reading and omniscience powers are really impressive...

iguana

seenitall wrote: »

Yes, yes, YES!!! Always buy the best, and often, too (Green and Blacks and some nice dark Lindt).

Neither of those are handmade, artisan chocolates, they are mass produced in factories. You my dear are still having the casual sex equivalent of chocolate. Really good, knee-trembling, regular lover, casual sex, but casual sex all the same.:P

Which kind of proves my point, OP. Even stuff that isn't the best of the best can still be extremely enjoyable. The sex I have with my husband is the best I've ever had, emotionally and physically. But that doesn't mean that I didn't have some very enjoyable sex before I met him, some of it with casual lovers or one night stands. Sex really isn't always about love and intimacy, sometimes it's the casual nature of it, the pure, unadulterated lust that makes it great.

Sure, that's not for everyone and there is nothing wrong with keeping sex special if that is how you feel. But it wasn't how your boyfriend felt and I doubt his past encounters make how he feels when he is with you any less special and meaningful. This is your issue and you either have to let him go or get over how you feel and stop letting it bother you.

LighterGuy

Dudess,
You have to take everything with a pinch of salt.
Alot of people have at least one night stand in their life. It happens. Are you really saying every man and woman on the face of this earth is going to be honest when a new partner asks the ultimate question "how many you've been with?"

According to you. Yes. I'm sure everyone would say "oh i've had X amount of ex's ... oh and i met a person in Qbar 10 months ago and went back home to theirs and had sex. Just a one night stand ya know. Only met them once"

No...people hide that. No one, weather it be a man or women, wants to come off as easy or maybe to spoil themselves with a partner by revealing "yeah i went home with a person after talking with them for a few hours for sex" ... live in the real world. And this isnt just about one night stands. It could be someone went out for a small number of dates with someone then slept with them. Then Just fizzled. People would hide that. No one wants to admit to dating someone for two weeks then sleeping with them - lets be honest... guys would admit it to other guys. girls to other girls. But never to a new partner.


Yes there are people out there who will be honest. And their answer is the honest number. But your point of argument seems to be to automatically believe everyone? thats just a "p.c" answer. Live in the real world. My argument is that alot of people will hide certain things. To be realistic. To weigh things up. That if something sounds to good to be true etc.

But undoubtably you will reply back re-inforcing your "opinion" (PC answer)

Rosita

Dudess wrote: »

Your mind-reading and omniscience powers are really impressive...

In fairness, Dudess, you own mind-reading and powers of omniscience are impressive too if this remark from yestreday is anything to go by: And 12 partners by the mid 20s - well it depends on what the individual considers a little or a lot, but generally speaking, it's not a lot at all. If that person lost their virginity at 18, that's 12 people in seven years - not even two a year.

This is generalising from the particular and I'm not sure if that is possible to do so accurately without an enormous leap of faith. Obviously you are entitled to do that in the sense of expressing an opinion but it is inconsistent to then expect others to also have a massive body of direct evidence to back up their every opinion.

If "it depends on what the individual considers a little or a lot" (i.e. it is a matter of individual opinion) then how can you credibly hold in the same sentence that "but generally speaking, it's not a lot at all". Surely this is just an individual opinion of your own? Who decides what is generally speaking "not a lot at all" when it is on the other hand apparently about individual choice?

No harm in that of course but if you are going to scrutine the opinions of others for epistimological soundness and draw distinctions between fact and opinion then perhaps you need to look at your own views in that light too.

Rosita

The Corinthian wrote: »

I would be more concerned with a person's ability to maintain a monogamous relationship than number or frequency.

For example, if between 18 and 24, someone had two monogamous relationships lasting two and three years and in-between went of a rampage and slept with 10 others is probably a better relationship bet to someone who slept with 12 over the same period, going out with each for a maximum of six months.

This is an interesting post as it indirectly raises the question of libido which has not been raised yet but surely is central even if impossible to define in an individual case. The discussion has broadly been presented as one where any amount of sexual activity is considered grand as long as there has been no infidelity which at one level is fair enough.

But is it not possible that high levels of sexual activity is evidence of a high libido/sex drive rather than merely 'lads being lads' or 'girls having a laugh'. If we accept this possibility then we might ask if it it possible to suppress this type of libido at will and become monogamus at the touch of a button?

Someone here said he "shagged" 14 different girls in a 14-night stint. I'm just wondering if someone is desirous of that level of sexual activity - in which any girl is probably a target - where does that desire go or how is it dealt with in a monogamus relationship where life gets in the way and sex is not available on tap?

I realise that the poster of that information is inevitably now in a wonderful monogamus six-year relationship with his partner while regretting nothing of what went before etc etc etc. so it's best to talk about these things in the abstract.

But is it not reasonable to wonder if someone who has an emotional/physical need for regular and perhaps varied sexual activity can be relied upon in the long run to participate whoolly and reliably in a monogamus relationship? Would we all be genuinely entirely convinced that there is no connection between 'number and frequency' in the past and a person's ability to maintain a monogamous relationship in the future? Would we have the same level of faith in someone who has had 500 sexual partners and someone who has had 5? Perhaps we need to be more sceptical.

The Corinthian

Rosita wrote: »

This is an interesting post as it indirectly raises the question of libido which has not been raised yet but surely is central even if impossible to define in an individual case.

While libido is a potential factor, this was not really what I meant. A man who goes on a rampage while remains in monogamous relationships the majority of the time may well have a high libido (and his partner will realistically need to match this) however it does show a mature capacity for relationships that will be lacking in someone who's history is marked by short and unstable ones.

So the former is more likely to be a long term partner, perhaps even lifelong. The latter will break up with you in a few weeks or months, possibly cheating along the way. Both will have slept with the same number of women, however it is more the pattern that will point to the character than the total.

Naturally, the same is probably true of women.

Dudess

LighterGuy wrote: »

Dudess,
You have to take everything with a pinch of salt.

No you don't "have" to.

Alot of people have at least one night stand in their life. It happens. Are you really saying every man and woman on the face of this earth is going to be honest when a new partner asks the ultimate question "how many you've been with?"

No? Again:

Sad fact is ALL people lie when it comes to how many they've slept with.

"All" people don't.

Th only genuine answers you'll ever get is when a person genuinely only has had a few partners. (which is hard to find in this day and age even when a person hits 20)

You don't know what the only genuine answers are.

So whatever number a partner tells you ... is a lie.

No, it isn't.

All I'm saying is, you're making a lot of untrue, unsubstantiated statements which is misleading for the OP. I made that point and your interpretation is that I believe everyone is truthful? I didn't say that, obviously.

Rosita wrote: »

In fairness, Dudess, you own mind-reading and powers of omniscience are impressive too if this remark from yestreday is anything to go by: And 12 partners by the mid 20s - well it depends on what the individual considers a little or a lot, but generally speaking, it's not a lot at all. If that person lost their virginity at 18, that's 12 people in seven years - not even two a year.

This is generalising from the particular and I'm not sure if that is possible to do so accurately without an enormous leap of faith. Obviously you are entitled to do that in the sense of expressing an opinion but it is inconsistent to then expect others to also have a massive body of direct evidence to back up their every opinion.

Observationally speaking so. And where did I ask for a "massive body of direct evidence to back up their every opinion?" Lol. All I said was it's a bit much to say something is a fact when it isn't, to say that "everyone" does this and that, and that any answer to a particular question is a lie.

What I was saying was really quite straightforward.

Dudess

Dudess wrote: »

All I'm saying is, you're making a lot of untrue, unsubstantiated statements which is misleading for the OP. I made that point and your interpretation is that I believe everyone is truthful? I didn't say that, obviously.

Observationally speaking so. And where did I ask for a "massive body of direct evidence to back up their every opinion?" Lol. All I said was it's a bit much to say something is a fact when it isn't, to say that "everyone" does this and that, and that any answer to a particular question is a lie.

What I was saying was really quite straightforward.

The thing is none of these statements are 'fact'. It's no more misleading to say that everyone has had a one night stand and lied about it than to say 'generally speaking' 12 partners isn't a lot and then give an example of someone who starts having sex at 18 and has two partners a year. We have no idea if that's the case for OP's boyfriend. We have no idea if 12 partners is a lot in general because everyone behaves so differently. I know people who have had 35+ partners. I know more people who have had only one or two and would consider five a high number. People my age, mid twenties. It's really impossible to establish any sort of norm or truth about any of this. I could take your same assumption of 12 partners in 7 years and say it's shockingly high because that's either two different partners every year for 7 years, or a couple of long term relationships and a lot of one night stands.

Rosita

Dudess wrote: »

Observationally speaking so. And where did I ask for a "massive body of direct evidence to back up their every opinion?" Lol. All I said was it's a bit much to say something is a fact when it isn't, to say that "everyone" does this and that, and that any answer to a particular question is a lie.

What I was saying was really quite straightforward.

What you were saying was probably quite straightforward, and I couldn't agree more that it's a bit much to say something is a fact when it isn't. It just that we must practise as we preach so to speak.