Changing your surname when married

mikemac

I'm sure this has been raised before but I couldn't find it.
Mods, feel free to lock if you wish

I'm a teamleader in work and me and my team deal with thousands of emails a day!
Last year one of the staff got married and wanted her email address updated. No bother,I sent a request to HR and then the lads in IT updated her profile and people began to use the new surname as she asked them too.

Another lady on the team is just back from her honeymoon and I asked did she want me to submit a change request to HR also.
Such was the reaction I thought I'd slapped her in the face! :eek:
"What century are you living in?" was just one of the comments.
Luckily I'm an easy going team leader though note my username

What about you?
Did you change your name when getting married?
Or maybe it depends when in work and not in work?

Quality

I have double barrelled for
work, for the reason that all my college paper work is in my maiden name and if someone was to ring an old employer. For a reference using my married name they would have nothing on file!

For everything else it is my married name, although I haven't officially changed any paperwork ie driving licence or passport. They haven't been up for renewal yet!

Come to think of it I still use my maiden name as my signature too, so used to signing my own name!

Maybe I am a bit reluctant after all!

SarahJ

Funny this came up, my friend just got married and she doesn't want to change her name, not sure I do either, but then I think about if I have kids, what will their names be? Also, my OH said he would be upset if I didn't take his name!

liah

I don't think I'd change my name, but if I'm honest that's just because I probably really wouldn't want to be bothered changing all my documentation to suit the new name.. I'm kind of lazy like that. :eek:

Ickle Magoo

Yes and no...I'm still my maiden name on my drivers licence, passport, my own bank account and on all my student stuff (both past & present) but my married name at work, on joint bank account/savings & some bills.

My husband didn't really care if I took his name or not and I like my name, I've been called that pretty much all my life. He married me, not adopted me after all but I don't find people assuming I use my married name for everything is at all offensive either... *shrug*

NB The kids have his name because he did care what surname they got while I don't and our names would have been hideous double-barrelled, so that was never an option. :cool:

Truley

I have very old but rare Irish surname which I think is only one male heir away from going extinct. So I would really like to hold on to it myself. Also my boyfriend has a horrible surname, like really awful, the kind kids would tease you over in the school yard. I don't want it as my name, and I fear for future kids to be honest :eek::P

Walls

I'm getting married shortly but keeping my name. The reaction of the male members of the family was horrible, why on earth was I keeping my name, etc, etc. The children will have his name to avoid the dreaded hyphen but otherwise, nope, still staying the same. (I'd had a minor freak out when I realised he could call me his 'wife'!)

Fox McCloud

Deffinately keep my name if I ever got married.
Its just one of those tradition for traditions sake in my book.
Kids would get double barrel or my name as I'm the last in line withthe name
Ok thats not a good enough reason double barrel it is.

ztoical

There was a huge thread on this on here before but it was like 2 or 3 years ago I think...it did end being a massive argument thread between the would change and wouldn't change.

I wouldn't change mine mainly cus I just couldn't be bothered but also cus my mother never changed hers, I don't see why I should nor the point of it and I work freelance as an artist so have spent years trying to establish my name in connection with my work and it would be shooting my career in the foot to try and change names at this stage.

Saying that it will never be an issue for me as I won't be getting married in the first place.

Galwaymother

Sorry but I just don t get it! Is your husband adopting you? Are you not your parents daughter anymore? Are you not part of your family anymore, with its traditions, history, etc? How can you reject the name you grew up with, which played a part on you becoming the woman you are and who he is marrying!
Because I like my husband s name, and I wanted to be officially part of his -clan- too, I added his name to mine. What is wrong with the hyphen?

My daughters took his family name, at the time you had to choose either of the parent name, and I chose their first names. But now we regret it, since they have been telling us they want my name also, finding it cool and wanting to be officially part of my family.

By the way, I have two family names, both father and mother, which means that on my passport I have three family names, though only generally use two for work, or one for my students (and it is my own!).
I am shocked that women still find the need to take their husband s name, and delete their own. Can somebody explain this to me?

P.S.: I have a problem with some punctuation marks on my keyboard at the moment. Sorry!

Galwaymother I don't see what you would be so angry at other people's choices?

I chose to take my husbands name, it's a tradition which I like, I changed it in work immediately and I like that my children and my husband and I all have the same name, that we are the "smith" family. I liked that my parents and I all had the same name.

That was my choice. Others choose to keep theirs and I fully understand & respect that.

I have no idea why it would bother anyone else what I choose to do.

WindSock

I'm not bothered either way, to be honest. Like liah, I am also quite lazy and not bothered with all the paperwork either.

My surname is fairly boring though, so I probably would marry someone with an awesome surname to take :pac:

krudler

Galwaymother wrote: »

Sorry but I just don t get it! Is your husband adopting you? Are you not your parents daughter anymore? Are you not part of your family anymore, with its traditions, history, etc? How can you reject the name you grew up with, which played a part on you becoming the woman you are and who he is marrying!
Because I like my husband s name, and I wanted to be officially part of his -clan- too, I added his name to mine. What is wrong with the hyphen?

My daughters took his family name, at the time you had to choose either of the parent name, and I chose their first names. But now we regret it, since they have been telling us they want my name also, finding it cool and wanting to be officially part of my family.

By the way, I have two family names, both father and mother, which means that on my passport I have three family names, though only generally use two for work, or one for my students (and it is my own!).
I am shocked that women still find the need to take their husband s name, and delete their own. Can somebody explain this to me?

P.S.: I have a problem with some punctuation marks on my keyboard at the moment. Sorry!

Tradition.

I'm in two minds about it really ,if me and my gf get married then it would be nice if she took my name, but it wouldnt be a dealbreaker if she didnt. Since most of the stuff to do with marriage is all about what what the woman wants in a lot of cases, the name thing is something a lot of men probably see as the one tradition they'd like to keep. Not taking your new husbands name is a fairly recent thing though, 30-40 years ago it'd be pretty unheard of to not take their name, I doubt many people on here have older relatives who kept their maiden names when getting married a few decades ago.

MistyCheese

A fast growing tradition in the US is to merge surnames. For example Anna Smith and John Murphy would become Anna and John Smurphy. I like this idea in theory, there's no deletion of family or hertitage, you merge together to create a new family and with that you create a new name.

ztoical

krudler wrote: »

Not taking your new husbands name is a fairly recent thing though, 30-40 years ago it'd be pretty unheard of to not take their name, I doubt many people on here have older relatives who kept their maiden names when getting married a few decades ago.

My mother got married in the early 70's and it never even dawned on her to change her name. I asked her about it thinking it was some big stand she made and she just said she never even thought about it.

It was a tradition that came about from women having their fathers name from birth and then that was replaced with your husbands name when you married so really as women your surname was simply a place card for indicating your relationship to men. All well and good when your role was to keep house and make babies but now people are getting married much older and most women have established careers from themselves by the time they marry and in alot of cases it's a pain in the ass to have to change your surname for no reason other then it being "tradition".

Not getting on the backs of anyone who has changed their name after getting married, like some have said it's their choice to do so but also understand that for some people it is seen as an outdated concept. Lets ask some of the guys reading this - would you change your surname? If not why? Surely it doesn't matter whose name you take as long as you both share the same surname, but I think we'd find most guys wouldn't do it as they'd see it as taking away some of their masculinity.

In several countries like Japan it is the law that married people must have one surname as they belong to the same household but they chose whose to use and it's not always the mans that's used, it all depends on whose family has higher standing.

Quality

MistyCheese wrote: »

A fast growing tradition in the US is to merge surnames. For example Anna Smith and John Murphy would become Anna and John Smurphy. I like this idea in theory, there's no deletion of family or hertitage, you merge together to create a new family and with that you create a new name.

I am sorry this is not an attack on you Misty Cheese...

But that is the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard!!! PMSL!!

Merging names... what will they think of next!!

krudler

MistyCheese wrote: »

A fast growing tradition in the US is to merge surnames. For example Anna Smith and John Murphy would become Anna and John Smurphy. I like this idea in theory, there's no deletion of family or hertitage, you merge together to create a new family and with that you create a new name.

That sounds ridiculous tbh, Smurphy?

Its a couples decision to make, I dont get why people get so outraged at women wanting to take their husbands name, as if they've just signed up to a life of the downtrodden little wife as their husband now has his ownership cert with her, its just silly.
If someone wont back down either way then a compromise has to be made, if you cant agree on something as insignificant as that at the beginning of a marriage what the hell are you going to be like when life starts throwing real problems at you?

Clare Bear

Quality wrote: »

I am sorry this is not an attack on you Misty Cheese...

But that is the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard!!! PMSL!!

Merging names... what will they think of next!!

Only in America :rolleyes:

Galwaymother

I apologise, whoopsadaisydoodles, if I offended you. I don t mean to criticize individual women choosing to take their husband s name, but I still don t understand it.
I suppose I feel it as a throwback to a sexist patriarchal society where women were the property of their husband, and had little say over their lives.
It is not so long ago either... When I was in college here, my Degree was awarded to me under my husband s name, even though I was registered with my two names, my husband s name being second. It felt like it was awarded to somebody else!
In France, and I think I saw it here also, you still get official documents addressed to you as "Madame John Smith", which is really denying your identity imo.
Also, on practical terms, the name change causes confusion in a work environment, esp. a school. Collegues had difficulties getting students to use their new names, parents were confused. I also agree with the opinion stated above that it is confusing for prospective employers looking for references etc.

Quality

krudler wrote: »

That sounds ridiculous tbh, Smurphy?

Its a couples decision to make, I dont get why people get so outraged at women wanting to take their husbands name, as if they've just signed up to a life of the downtrodden little wife as their husband now has his ownership cert with her, its just silly.
If someone wont back down either way then a compromise has to be made, if you cant agree on something as insignificant as that at the beginning of a marriage what the hell are you going to be like when life starts throwing real problems at you?

If they had Sheehan and Smith they could have Mr and Mrs....

Ickle Magoo

Baring in mind that changing names is far more common place than not, I can't imagine there are really all that many issues...I've never come across any anyway.

If they had Sheehan and Smith they could have Mr and Mrs....

sh!th? I pronounce my "th"'s so that wouldn't really be an issue...:pac:

ztoical

Quality wrote: »

I am sorry this is not an attack on you Misty Cheese...

But that is the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard!!! PMSL!!

Merging names... what will they think of next!!

It's not so ridiculous....alright the Smurphy does sound a bit silly but were do people think surnames come from? Alot of the surnames we have are made up, altered and changed etc due to history and circumstance. People moving country often altered their surnames or in some cases had them altered for them to sound more local and less strange. During the second world war alot of people changed their surnames to sound less German. Hell the british royal family changed theirs to sound less German before the first world war. In countries like Iceland your surname is formed by your parents names, they don't have family names. In Mongolia they don't have surnames and recently tired to make people take one to make them fit more with the western view but it failed cus something like 85% of the population picked the surname Khan. Most Irish surnames come from nicknames to do with clans and alot of older irish names are based on the parents so you'd be Micky Mary John [son of Mary and John].

So really is the american thing really that odd or new?

Silverfish

I remember the last thread we had on this...

And I'm putting a mod note in this one now, please keep things civil, no personal abuse, please keep things ON-TOPIC, and most of all, remember this is the Ladies Lounge, a place for real life issues from a woman's perspective.

That means if you don't like something that's said here, please do not attempt to degrade, deride or insult.

If you have an issue with a post, please use the report post button and let the mods deal with it.

ztoical

Just to add to early post the whole 'tradition' of taking the husbands name is an English tradition not an Irish one.

krudler

ztoical wrote: »

Just to add to early post the whole 'tradition' of taking the husbands name is an English tradition not an Irish one.

Yeah but its become an Irish one as well over the centuries.

I think in Spain the husband and wife have their own names, then with kids the daughter gets the wifes surname and the son the fathers, I think thats a good compromise.

Lu Tze

Galwaymother wrote: »

Also, on practical terms, the name change causes confusion

Under your system of taking both names, if the children are also named that way what happens if they get married to somebody of similar mindset? 4 Hypenated names?

Consfusion would be an understatement.

Lillylilly

krudler wrote: »

I think in Spain the husband and wife have their own names, then with kids the daughter gets the wifes surname and the son the fathers, I think thats a good compromise.

I like this idea.

I posted on another thread about this before. I don't think it's fair that I should be expected to give up a huge part of me, and my partner does not have to sacrifice his name, so we chose a word/ name that is symbolic to us as a couple. We plan to change our names by deed poll to this name when we get married, so that our (future) children will have this new name and we will all have the same family name.

krudler

Lillylilly wrote: »

I like this idea.

I posted on another thread about this before. I don't think it's fair that I should be expected to give up a huge part of me, and my partner does not have to sacrifice his name, so we chose a word/ name that is symbolic to us as a couple. We plan to change our names by deed poll to this name when we get married, so that our (future) children will have this new name and we will all have the same family name.

I will literally give you a thousand quid if you change your surname to Bananahammock

ztoical

krudler wrote: »

Yeah but its become an Irish one as well over the centuries.

Well aware of that but you don't need to go back far [and still in some rural areas] to see Irish surnames based on nicknames and on your parents/grandparents names rather then on this idea of a 'family name' I've a friend whose Nora Joe Beag while her sister is Mary Joe Mór seeing as Mary is the older daughter of Joe and Nora is the younger so if we're going to make the tradition argument I say lets go back to the Irish tradition rather then an adopted one.

krudler

I like the new family name idea, both people change their surname and start a new family name, that really works. Although then the whole confusion of relations comes into it, say you take the name, I dunno, Murphy for arguments sake. Then you're removing yourself from both your own family names, but wont be related to other people with the same surname, I know the majority of people who share a surname arent related anyway unless through massive amounts of removals but it could be a bit confusing.

Lillylilly

krudler wrote: »

I will literally give you a thousand quid if you change your surname to Bananahammock

Hmmmm, a thousand quid you say.....

perri winkles

krudler wrote: »

Yeah but its become an Irish one as well over the centuries.

I think in Spain the husband and wife have their own names, then with kids the daughter gets the wifes surname and the son the fathers, I think thats a good compromise.

My cousins are spanish (aunt is irish, uncle is spanish) and in spain the children take both surnames, and would very rarely drop one of them.
Im not sure how it works when the child then gets married, bit fuzzy on the finer details!

My aunt double barrelled her name and her husbands.

Cool Mo D

krudler wrote: »

Yeah but its become an Irish one as well over the centuries.

I think in Spain the husband and wife have their own names, then with kids the daughter gets the wifes surname and the son the fathers, I think thats a good compromise.

No, kids get the fathers first surname, then the mothers first surname. Spanish people have two surnames.

wikipedia wrote:

To sum up, if a man named Fernando García Pons marries a woman named Paula Rodríguez Pérez, their child Salvador would be named Salvador García Rodríguez, more likely than not.

In practise, the first surname is used most of the time, with both surnames being used on legal documents, etc - so the man's surname is what is normally used.

Vladidim

Galwaymother wrote: »

Because I like my husband s name, and I wanted to be officially part of his -clan- too, I added his name to mine. What is wrong with the hyphen?
!

Its so pathetic. Just make your mind up and choose one instead or the other, instead of some weird bs hybrid name.

terlywerly

Last year, myself and my mother set out trying to do her family tree, and boy did it get confusing. Because of her taking my fathers name when they married, and my grandmother taking my grandfathers name etc etc we found it so hard to trace back to any great length. My fathers side... we had most of it back to pre Famine done in an afternoon lol.
In my family, all I have is a brother, and my father has only sisters (all of which took their husbands names). My fathers cousins who share his name also only have daughters, so unless their daughters keep their maiden name, all that is left to pass on my family name is my brother and myself.
However, saying that, I'm taking my OH's surname when we get married. I've never really thought a huge amount about it one way or another, but I like it as a tradition and even if I kept my maiden name, I'd be using the OH's name for the children. If I take his name when we get married, at least we all have the same surname as a 'family'. Don't think I'd go the double barreled route (our surnames sound terrible one after the other...). The one thing I don't like, and I think it was mentioned earlier in the thread, is receiving letters/documents etc with something like Mrs. John Smith on it, now that I think is totally like a loss of the womans identity. I understand why women would choose to keep their maiden name though, and it does cause confusion when you're dealing with degrees/papers written pre marriage, but what one of my friends has done is that anything in relation to jobs or references, she just writes nee MAIDEN NAME on documents, and that way they have an easier way to check her past achievements.

jokettle

If/when I ever get married I won't be taking my husband's name. There is a part of me that rebels against being seen as my husband's property which may be reflected in taking his name, even though I know this perspective has essentially died out in our culture. And I know that keeping my maiden name is essentially keeping my father's name, but there's only so much patriarchy I can rebel against!
My main reason for not changing my name will be because I hope to have built up a reputation (and hopefully a client base) with my given name by the time marriage does roll around, and if I manage to publish any research papers in the next few years I want to be associated with them in years to come...if they're any good, that is

ztoical

Vladidim wrote: »

Its so pathetic. Just make your mind up and choose one instead or the other, instead of some weird bs hybrid name.

Pathetic is a little strong of a word to use there....as many people are pointing out on this thread lots of countries have the system of using both the parents names wither it be their surnames [spain] or their first names [iceland]

ztoical

krudler wrote: »

IThen you're removing yourself from both your own family names, but wont be related to other people with the same surname, I know the majority of people who share a surname arent related anyway unless through massive amounts of removals but it could be a bit confusing.

I guess I can't relate to this at all as my mother never changed her name and I've several relations who've been married and now got divorced and as such changed their names a few times. I've a cousin whose got her fathers surname but her parents divorced and my aunt went back to her maiden name and has now remarried and taken her new husbands name. With the make up of families today what with divorce and kids from different relationships I don't think it's worth getting attached to this idea of a family name and it making you a family and having it as such a part of your makeup cus you never know whats going to happen with your relationships down the line.

krudler

jokettle wrote: »

If/when I ever get married I won't be taking my husband's name. There is a part of me that rebels against being seen as my husband's property which may be reflected in taking his name, even though I know this perspective has essentially died out in our culture. And I know that keeping my maiden name is essentially keeping my father's name, but there's only so much patriarchy I can rebel against!
My main reason for not changing my name will be because I hope to have built up a reputation (and hopefully a client base) with my given name by the time marriage does roll around, and if I manage to publish any research papers in the next few years I want to be associated with them in years to come...if they're any good, that is

Thats actually a great point, the idea that keeping your maiden name is some feminist stance againt testicle wielding oppressors, its not! that name was taken by your mother from your father (in most cases,just going by the traditional view here) Its a patriachal not matriachal inheritance.

snickerpuss

I have no major aversion to taking someone's name, only that I really like my own! It's not very common, I get lots of compliments about it, why would I want to change? My parents have been married 26 years and my mam still hasn't gotten around to changing her bank or passport. Also my name is in two parts so wouldn't suit being hyphenated (Think Mary O Brien O Reilly or something!)

Galwaymother

krudler wrote: »

Thats actually a great point, the idea that keeping your maiden name is some feminist stance againt testicle wielding oppressors, its not! that name was taken by your mother from your father (in most cases,just going by the traditional view here) Its a patriachal not matriachal inheritance.

I think we all know that our maiden name is (generally) our father s name, but hopefully the next generation would have more of a choice of keeping either their mother or their father s family name, or both...Then the patriarchal method of naming would end! In the meantime, if we women keep our maiden (father s ) name, at least we don t negate our (early) identity.
As mentioned above, many countries already give the choice to parents about their children s family name. I actually think Ireland does now. Does anybody know this for certain?

Galwaymother

Galwaymother wrote: »

I apologise, whoopsadaisydoodles, if I offended you. I don t mean to criticize individual women choosing to take their husband s name, but I still don t understand it.
.

No offence taken whatsoever, I just failed to see why it would anger anyone

It's a long standing tradition (I've said this before in Gentlemens Club!!!) it certainly has sexist roots, but that doesn't make it sexist. I can think of other similar traditions which people chose to follow every day.

I liked changing my name, I liked that my husband and I were now the same, I liked being called wife and I liked having a "husband".

As I said before, I don't get why anyone is bothered about what someone else chooses to do and why people feel the need to question other people's decisions.

Azureus

I have no intention of getting married, but hypothetically, I would definately change my second name if I did. That would be the main point of getting the piece of paper to be honest, if there is any real point (different debate however)

I think it would be nice to be initiated officially into his 'clan' as such. His family are always asking 'so is she a Murphy* yet??'' so it obviously has some standing, and is a nice concept! The only downside to this would be a disconnection from my own fathers side of the family, however as someone mentioned earlier, considering my mother took his name surely it would be continuing a traditional concept that goes further than a single name. I have two brothers who can carry on the actual name, and I can carry on the tradition! Both sides kept happy

Oh that and my own surname seriously sucks, and my OHs is quite nice. To be honest, i think it comes down more to this than anything! If Id a lovely exotic name Im not so sure Id change so quick :P

Galwaymother

Running the risk of repeating myself here, but Azureus, what is wrong with the hyphen? That way you could keep both links going fully!
I think it is seen as snobbish in Ireland, am I right?

Xiney

My husband and I got married in Montreal and lived there for the first 2 years (just about) of our marriage. In Quebec you need a really really strong reason for changing your name, like if you have a pretty uncommon name but someone with the same uncommon name becomes really infamous for a terrible crime I think they let you - although it's complicated! But if you're just married you're not allowed to change it - and in fact even if you get married elsewhere, use your husband's name and later move to the province of Quebec they make you use your maiden name again!

So anyway for the first 2 years of our marriage I kept my father's surname - which was advantageous at the time because it is a French Canadian name and that was useful for job hunting, etc.

When we moved to Ireland I pretty much immediately started using my husband's name though, because he's got an Irish name and I was once again job hunting.



To be honest it doesn't really matter to me what surname I use. Both of them are equally nice names... and besides, I find my first name is far more "mine" and I always have.

Toto Wolfcastle

I would change my name if I got married. I don't see it as me being the property of my husband. I don't see it as rejecting my family. It's just something I want to do. There's nothing sinister about it. There's nothing wrong with keeping your name either. It's just a personal choice.

The Lovely Muffin

I'd keep my maiden name tbh.

Kids won't/don't come into it as I don't want any (and certainly won't be having any!)

If anyone has a problem with me not changing my name - then it's their problem, I won't do something simply because 'it's expected' or because 'it's tradition'.

That said, I don't particularly want to get married, but I'm only 19, so in a few years, I could change my mind and want to get married.

Vinta81

I'll be changing mine! My sister changed her and she loves saying it :pac:

RacoonQueen

In the unlikely event anyone was stupid enough to deem me a good lifelong catch I wouldn't take his name in a million years. I like my name, it goes well with my first name and I'd like to carry it on, there's only a handful of us as it is.

My sister changed hers on some documentation and my poor daddy was very upset. :pac:

newtoboards

I haven't changed my name and won't be doing so either. I prefer to keep my name for work and couldn't be bothered changing it. Others in work have changed their name but i've always said i'm keeping my name change for one big screw up on my part in work. I've gotten some grief for it but I couldn't care less. My husband doesn't care and often puts my surname on his name when meeting new people :-)

Rubberlegs

Myself and OH never took the plunge and doubt we will now after all the years we are together:D. Kids have double barrel surname, and sometimes as a previous poster said, I would get the impression people think it a bit snobby. It also annoys me as one or other of the surnames invariably gets left out eg in correspondence. There was no way I was going to give kids their Dad's surname only, when we aren't married. Sure I'd have been the odd one out then, and me after carrying them for 9 months:). That's just my opinion though, and each to their own, I'd never question anybody doing different. If we ever did marry, I'd go for the double barrel as well, wouldn't drop my good Irish surname, also I have no brothers, and my Dad has none, so I'm carrying the name on that bit further.