Acceptance of your sexuality - ?

LegacyUser

Hi everyone. Just first of all, I'm a guy.
And obviously from the topic title I've been having trouble with the above. At least I think that's what the problem is.

Ever since I can basically remember I've always had trouble dealing with the topic of sexuality.
Weather that be talking about it or dealing with in general.

When I was fourteen I had my first real girlfriend.
As far as I could tell, my inability to deal with sexuality was effectively what brought the relationship to an end after 18 months. It began to become particularly difficult after 6 months though. So it was 12 months getting progressively less pleasant until it came to an end.

I'm not sure exactly how it manifested itself, I just know she was a very sensitive and quite a sexual, if that doesn't sound sleazy, person - and I was basically unable to provide for her in that regard.
I'm not talking about performance anxiety or something, but just my basically not being in touch I guess, with my own sexuality, or maybe her sexuality - it just didn't happen in a natural way.

As I've got older, I"m 23 now, and of course moved away from home and so on, it has begun to affect my ability to have a relationship with a female in general, which in turn has led to a degree of isolation and desperation as such - cause that relationship inability sucks pretty thoroughly.
All sounds a bit much.

I think I've made the biggest step in realizing that this is the problem but I'm sure I have a long way to go in terms of understanding more thoroughly the situation and thus solving it more thoroughly.
What I'm doing at the moment is just trying to consciously bare in mind to stay in touch with this vibe that exists among males and females and already I'm seeing slight improvements in interaction.

I know the best step from here would be to see a therapist but unfortunately I'm currently living in a country where I don't have access to the public health system and I certainly don't have the money to pay for a private therapist.

So, I don't hope to achieve any miracles by posting this on here, but as far as I'm concerned it's a first step - problem shared is a problem halved and so on.
So, just to get that out there, if anyone can relate to me something similar or any thoughts or questions, I'd be happy to expound further.
Many thanks.

Ickle Magoo

Hey OP,

When you say you have trouble dealing with sexuality, what do you mean exactly? Do you mean you don't know how to be sexual, don't know how to be affectionate, don't know what your sexuality is, what?

LegacyUser

Ickle Magoo wrote: »

Hey OP,

When you say you have trouble dealing with sexuality, what do you mean exactly? Do you mean you don't know how to be sexual, don't know how to be affectionate, don't know what your sexuality is, what?

Oh yeah, good question
To be honest, I mean, just not being tuned in with it I guess.

It's never really something I thought about even.
I'm trying to think of how to explain myself better.
Maybe if I gave an example.

My supervisor at work is a woman.
Now I don't know what vibe I give off, but some days she seems inexplicably annoyed with me and other days, she's around me constantly, she flirts and is quite forward sometimes etc. in a definite sexual way.
I just want to point out also, this is all unwanted. I just wanna get my job done and get out of there and I don't find her the least bit attractive.

I lived with a married woman before, renting a room, and there was much the same thing. Again, I just didn't have awareness of it, the sexual vibe basically - I think - and she seemed to get very agitated sometimes and annoyed for what I could see was no real reason.
I'm guessing maybe she thought I was teasing her or something.
I'm not blowing my own trumpet here, cause both of these women were - I don't know how to put it any other way; unattractive, to me at least.

Around girls in general, maybe a girl I like, I seem to be fine up to a certain point and then whatever I do, it must be massively sexually over baring or something - embarrassing and all as that sounds - but they seem to shy away as such.
I think that over baring vibe was basically as a product of my non-awareness or not being tuned in with the sexual vibe that exists.

I don't know, have I given you a better idea of what I mean??

LegacyUser

Whoops, wrong user name there
Holy Smokes is me

Ickle Magoo

What did you do that you think was over-baring?

LegacyUser

Ickle Magoo wrote: »

What did you do that you think was over-baring?

Last post didn't go through..

Overbearing - degree and intensity of eye contact. I had no idea what it was conveying but it was obviously the wrong thing.
I just thought I was being polite by making eye contact but it was obviously construed as being otherwise.
Again, just stemming for simple unawareness.

Miss Fluff

Do you find men sexually attractive? Have you given thought to that? When you masturbate what do you think of? Have you had any sexual experiences with another guy so you can compare it to how you feel when with a woman?

LegacyUser

Miss Fluff wrote: »

Do you find men sexually attractive? Have you given thought to that? When you masturbate what do you think of? Have you had any sexual experiences with another guy so you can compare it to how you feel when with a woman?

Firstly, I just want to clarify that I'm strictly into girls.
However, it's fairly normal to have an occasional homosexual fantasy right.
But when I beat my ****, it's 99.9% of the time to the thoughts of females and in reality I don't find men the least bit attractive.

However, interestingly, what I'm finding since this discovery of sorts, is that it can be important to be in tune also with this sexual undertone - in other words, making sure it is where it should be - when interacting with a man.
That doesn't mean acting like a homophobe, but also making sure there is no innuendo of sorts.

The Recliner

OP your posts have to be approved by a Mod because they are unregistered

You don't have to post twice but there may be a delay until your posts appear depending on who is around to approve them

Ickle Magoo

Unregistered wrote: »

Last post didn't go through..

Overbearing - degree and intensity of eye contact. I had no idea what it was conveying but it was obviously the wrong thing.
I just thought I was being polite by making eye contact but it was obviously construed as being otherwise.
Again, just stemming for simple unawareness.

I've never considered eye contact to be over-bearing or construing anything particular unless in combination with a host of other things....are you sure that's all there is to it? Could it even just be paranoia? Everyone has their off days, nobody gets on all the time...

LegacyUser

Ickle Magoo wrote: »

I've never considered eye contact to be over-bearing or construing anything particular unless in combination with a host of other things....are you sure that's all there is to it? Could it even just be paranoia? Everyone has their off days, nobody gets on all the time...

Well, perhaps facial expression/body language/signals in general, also along with the degree of eye contact.
But I assure you, whatever the conveyance, it seems to be off putting when that is certainly not the intention.

It's just my belief that it was down to my unawareness of the sexual - I don't think it's even correct to say undertone as I now feel it's so prominent - but effectively the sexual undertone that exists between males and females - or people in general might be more correct - no matter what the relationship, new acquaintance or even family member I believe.

**
What concerns me also is the fact that I don't think most people even have to consider this. It's not something they would have to consciously bare in mind when interacting, it just happens naturally, would that be fair enough to say?
But I'm aware of one or two others that I have met so far in my lifetime that I believe are somewhat similar to myself.

Ickle Magoo

Have you spoken to the people involved and asked them their view?

I know you seem fairly well convinced you have some kind of super sonic sexual undertone going on that you are not aware of but I'm finding just a sexual charge or flirtatious moves hard to connect to girls being seriously off with you unless it's accompanied by some pretty sleazy behaviour. Maybe I just don't understand what you mean?

LegacyUser

Ickle Magoo wrote: »

Have you spoken to the people involved and asked them their view?

I know you seem fairly well convinced you have some kind of super sonic sexual undertone going on that you are not aware of but I'm finding just a sexual charge or flirtatious moves hard to connect to girls being seriously off with you unless it's accompanied by some pretty sleazy behaviour. Maybe I just don't understand what you mean?

*plenty of laughter*
Spoken to the people - absolutely not. I thought it might be inappropriate.

No, it's not like I feel I have some sexual energy over and above whats the standard for regular males or something - although, I did actually believe that for a while - but I know it's not true...

It's just, I think females might find it insulting... Put it this way.
If some girl was perfectly pleasant but did not acknowledge me - in a particular way, I'd be pretty annoyed also.
I think it's just working in reverse.

Say it's flattering when your acknowledged in a flirtatious/sexual manner.
Say even for someone you may not like, your gonna acknowledge them somewhat flirtatiously, just to stay on their good side.
Now say you don't do that, they get annoyed with you right?
And that's not to say you ignore them or your acknowledgment is lacking in friendliness - but just lacking in the flirtatiousness as such.

Well I think that's whats happening in the case with the women who were getting annoyed with me.
They seem to find random excuses to have an argument with me, as if I had somehow personally insulted them - and I was completely foxed at the time, but I think I understand now why they were annoyed.

**
As regards those girls I may like and they seem to shy away or be taken aback almost...
How can I explain.

If your familiar with the term "deep and meaningfuls" when it comes to eye contact and what is conveyed when someone gives them to you...
Well, that may have been what I was doing, unknowing and unwittingly - again, due to my unawareness of these sexual undertones.

Making better sense?

Ickle Magoo

Unregistered wrote: »

It's just, I think females might find it insulting... Put it this way.
If some girl was perfectly pleasant but did not acknowledge me - in a particular way, I'd be pretty annoyed also.

Nuh-uh...I don't know what you mean. Annoyed? Acknowledge you in a particular way?

Unregistered wrote: »

Say it's flattering when your acknowledged in a flirtatious/sexual manner.
Say even for someone you may not like, your gonna acknowledge them somewhat flirtatiously, just to stay on their good side.
Now say you don't do that, they get annoyed with you right?

Nuh-uh....

Flirting just to stay on someone good side? More annoyance? Cos you aren't flirting??? Are these friends? Aquaintances? Flatmates? Flirting with flatmates?

Unregistered wrote: »

And that's not to say you ignore them or your acknowledgment is lacking in friendliness - but just lacking in the flirtatiousness as such.

Well I think that's whats happening in the case with the women who were getting annoyed with me.
They seem to find random excuses to have an argument with me, as if I had somehow personally insulted them - and I was completely foxed at the time, but I think I understand now why they were annoyed.

**
As regards those girls I may like and they seem to shy away or be taken aback almost...
How can I explain.

If your familiar with the term "deep and meaningfuls" when it comes to eye contact and what is conveyed when someone gives them to you...
Well, that may have been what I was doing, unknowing and unwittingly - again, due to my unawareness of these sexual undertones.

Making better sense?

Emmm, not really. I still think there must be something else to it, I don't know any women who get offended because some bloke bats his lashes and wants nothing more or cos their flatmate doesn't flirt with them... ~I have no experience about what you are referring to, I can't help. Sorry.

Zillah

Ok, I've read through the thread and I honestly have no idea what you're talking about here beyond that sex is either weird or unpleasant or both for you. Are you basically saying you don't "get" sex? But you're sure you're attracted to girls so clearly you get the idea behind it. Your examples don't seem related; creeping girls out by staring too much, supervisor flirting with you (and sometimes angry with you), married woman angry at you and you're assuming it because she had the hots for you and you didn't see it...

I just don't grasp what you're getting at specifically.

Let me ask you this: Do you have similar trouble in other areas of life? Things like knowing when to give gifts or fit into the politics of an office etc?

LegacyUser

Zillah wrote: »

Ok, I've read through the thread and I honestly have no idea what you're talking about here beyond that sex is either weird or unpleasant or both for you. Are you basically saying you don't "get" sex? But you're sure you're attracted to girls so clearly you get the idea behind it. Your examples don't seem related; creeping girls out by staring too much, supervisor flirting with you (and sometimes angry with you), married woman angry at you and you're assuming it because she had the hots for you and you didn't see it...

I just don't grasp what you're getting at specifically.

Let me ask you this: Do you have similar trouble in other areas of life? Things like knowing when to give gifts or fit into the politics of an office etc?

Okay, making no sense, gotcha.

As regards your last question, I have no idea, cause I never give gifts and I don't even know what politics of an office is...

I'll try and come at it from another angle.
You know chemistry, as in chemistry between a male and female.
I never actually understood what that was.
The closest my understanding came was that it was a reaction of the two personalities, however that happened, and it just meant those two people got on good together or something - their personality traits just fitted well with each other, and that was the feeling of chemistry.

But now I know chemistry is purely a sexual thing.
You feel a chemistry around someone you find sexually attractive.
And that chemistry makes you feel good also - must be the release of testosterone or something.

My problem was - my none awareness of this, or perhaps when others may feel it toward me - my actions didn't coincide.
And I guess if you feel that chemistry around someone and they act like they're totally ignorant of it, it'd be sort of insulting I guess, right?
Cause I don't know, maybe it makes them feel like they are un-attractive or something.

Well I don't know, but I guess that would be the case.

**
Well whatever the case, with that married woman I lived with, one day...

I was watching telly and it was just me and her in the house.
She was sat on the adjacent sofa.
One minute I looked over and she was just laid out there.
The next minute I looked over and she had her ankle length skirt rolled up ALL the way and was distinctly eyeballing me.

Why would she do that? I know she was happily married. She certainly didn't strike me as the type that would cheat on her husband.
My guess is she just wanted me to acknowledge the fact that I felt at least some degree of chemistry around her, for her own ego perhaps, and that was it.

Because of my non-awareness of this vibe that exists between males and females, my actions just didn't lend themselves to the situation.
So what I had was either, complete non-acknowledgment of chemistry, which would result in the situation above.
Or complete over acknowledgment of it, which would result in this taken aback reaction as I described.

**
I don't think this is a problem that exists commonly, and I'm not sure why it affects or has affected me - possibly due to my lifestyle, my personality type, I don't know.

LegacyUser

Previously, I had never considered even, that a female would be thinking about sexual attraction when interacting.

I - being naive and possibly stupid - I thought that they may talk to me cause they thought I was a "nice guy", as in genuine or well intentioned.
I never considered the possibility that it would be sexual attraction that would be a motive for them to interact.

But now I see/believe, this is the greatest motive.
I think what is most sexually attractive is confidence - and for some reason, guys seem to gravitate toward you more also when you have this.

LegacyUser

In other words, I must begin to come to terms with the fact that I have sexuality - if I don't sound like a massive plonker saying that.

But that's what I feel it is, accepting my own sexuality, that it's there and it's basically the main motive why females might want to interact with me.

Miss Fluff

Unregistered wrote: »

But now I know chemistry is purely a sexual thing.
You feel a chemistry around someone you find sexually attractive.
And that chemistry makes you feel good also - must be the release of testosterone or something.

My problem was - my none awareness of this, or perhaps when others may feel it toward me - my actions didn't coincide.

Not wanting to be too pedantic here but chemistry is felt by TWO people. You don't have "chemistry" with someone you are not attracted to. Likewise, if someone fancies the pants off you and it is not reciprocated then it cannot be misconstrued as chemistry, unless one of the parties is delusional or very odd indeed.

So am I right in saying that you think because people have fancied you in the past and you haven't fancied them back you are now questioning your "inability" to "feel" chemistry? If so you're way off the mark. You simply haven't been attracted to the people that have been attracted to you. Hardly a big deal....

LegacyUser

Miss Fluff wrote: »

Not wanting to be too pedantic here but chemistry is felt by TWO people. You don't have "chemistry" with someone you are not attracted to. Likewise, if someone fancies the pants off you and it is not reciprocated then it cannot be misconstrued as chemistry, unless one of the parties is delusional or very odd indeed.

So am I right in saying that you think because people have fancied you in the past and you haven't fancied them back you are now questioning your "inability" to "feel" chemistry? If so you're way off the mark. You simply haven't been attracted to the people that have been attracted to you. Hardly a big deal....

Well I wouldn't necessarily say so. How could a married woman who lives with her husband and I rent a room in the place - hows she gonna fancy me.

Hows my supervisor who has kids my age and a baby in the house with her husband, hows she gonna fancy me.
Have these people just got zero morals or something.
Or is it more a case of inability to deal with logic and just let emotion run your actions or something.

And then in reverse, if I do like the person, the over emphasis of this - I was intending to convey attraction - but it was obviously way over the top to the extent of being enough to make the person shy away.

I'm putting it all down to mis-understanding or non-recognition of, effectively, sexuality.
Whether and why one person may find another attractive.

And forgive me if I sound melodramatic, but for something which has thus far been such a massive road block for me, so to speak, I wouldn't be so flippant as to say "no big deal..."

Miss Fluff

Unregistered wrote: »

But that's what I feel it is, accepting my own sexuality, that it's there and it's basically the main motive why females might want to interact with me.

So women for the most part only speak to you because they are attracted to you? Is that what you are saying?

LegacyUser

Miss Fluff wrote: »

So women for the most part only speak to you because they are attracted to you? Is that what you are saying?

Well, why else would they. Attracted or feel they could develop an attraction based on what they see.

If I'm in a bar and try and talk to a girl. She's either gonna be polite, perhaps exchange a few words and then try and end the conversation. Or she's gonna try and continue and add to the conversation.
If she's attracted, then it's more likely she'll do the latter.
If she's not attracted, what other motive would there be for her to continue the conversation?

Now you could argue that she's just being friendly and so on, yeah of course.
You see that alot.
But how many purely platonic relationships do you see exist between men and women?

I don't see any really. Perhaps after a while, it sort of subsides to friendliness.
But always initially, one person likes the other.
One person finds the other attractive sexually.
And this is their motive for maintaining the relationship/friendship.
From what I've seen this is always, without exception, the case.

**
I don't particularly have any motive to be friends with a girl, unless I work or we do something together, only then I'll want to be friendly.

But if I go out of my way to talk to a girl, it's cause I have a relationship on my mind.
If she talks back to me and I'm getting positive signals as regards a relationship, then we'll talk, basically.
If not and she's just being regular friendly but giving signals as if to say a relationship of any kind is absolutely a no go, then I won't be motivated to speak with her further.
Plain and simply cause I got other things to be doing.

goodmum

I am completely lost OP. I honestly haven't a clue what you're trying to say here. From your first couple of posts, I thought you might be homosexual and were in denial, but you say you're not. Then I read on, and I became even more confused.
Could you sum up, in one sentence what your issue is?

LegacyUser

goodmum wrote: »

I am completely lost OP. I honestly haven't a clue what you're trying to say here. From your first couple of posts, I thought you might be homosexual and were in denial, but you say you're not. Then I read on, and I became even more confused.
Could you sum up, in one sentence what your issue is?

My issue is my inability to form a relationship with the opposite sex.

Silverfish

Unregistered wrote: »

My issue is my inability to form a relationship with the opposite sex.

And what do you feel is stopping you?

Ickle Magoo

Unregistered wrote: »

But how many purely platonic relationships do you see exist between men and women?

Lots and lots and lots...

Everyone isn't attracted sexually to each other, there are plenty of people from opposing sexes who have no sexual attraction to one another but like each other enough to hold friendships. I shared a flat thru uni with five guys, I can assure you they didn't fancy me & I didn't fancy them, we're still good mates. Are you really suggesting that no-body can have a platonic relationship? Even when they are married or with in-laws or whatever? Doesn't sound like you have a lot of life experience then.

It sounds like in a round about way you are trying to admit that the only time you want to interact with women is to get laid, is that about the crux of the issue?

LegacyUser

Silverfish wrote: »

And what do you feel is stopping you?

Well that's sort of the point of the thread.
I had absolutely no idea for a long time.

All I know is I'd be talking to a girl I like and at some point I'd want to convey that I basically find her attractive and however I conveyed it, it would turn her off effectively - pretty much instantaneously.

I've a feeling I know what you reply is gonna be.
"Well maybe she just don't like you".

And I've been in a situation and I absolutely know for a fact that the girl likes me somewhat, at least enough to go on a date or get together or something.
And what ever signals I'm giving, it just makes them keep their distance, quiet literally sometimes, embarrassing and all as that is to admit.

LegacyUser

Ickle Magoo wrote: »

Lots and lots and lots...

Everyone isn't attracted sexually to each other, there are plenty of people from opposing sexes who have no sexual attraction to one another but like each other enough to hold friendships. I shared a flat thru uni with five guys, I can assure you they didn't fancy me & I didn't fancy them, we're still good mates. Are you really suggesting that no-body can have a platonic relationship? Even when they are married or with in-laws or whatever? Doesn't sound like you have a lot of life experience then.

It sounds like in a round about way you are trying to admit that the only time you want to interact with women is to get laid, is that about the crux of the issue?

Yeah sure. There are lots of platonic friendships between opposing sexes.
But one person is always attracted to the other IMO, at least initially.
Well that's always the way it's been for me anyway.
I haven't always necessarily wanted to hook up with the person in question, but there was somewhat of an attraction there none the less.

I assure you, getting laid is certainly not the priority here...

Ickle Magoo

Unregistered wrote: »

Yeah sure. There are lots of platonic friendships between opposing sexes.
But one person is always attracted to the other IMO, at least initially.
Well that's always the way it's been for me anyway.
I haven't always necessarily wanted to hook up with the person in question, but there was somewhat of an attraction there none the less.

I assure you, getting laid is certainly not the priority here...

I have to disagree...I know lots of people who are friends and aren't interested in any kind of romantic relationship.

I'm still not sure what the issue is. Perhaps it's a communication issue if this thread is anything to go by?

LegacyUser

Ickle Magoo wrote: »

I'm still not sure what the issue is. Perhaps it's a communication issue if this thread is anything to go by?

How very sensitive of you darling.

Despite the fact that your clearly taking the piss with that comment, that is essentially what it boils down to. A communication issue - although more precisely, what's being conveyed with that communication.

MicraBoy

All I can say is that if you are as obtuse in real life as you have been on this thread then I am not surprised there is awkwardness and communication failure.

It seems to me you need to stop over-thinking, try to stay straight forward in your communication (don't waffle), and try not to feel like you have to be some sort of casanova when it comes to dealing with women.

Or have I totally misunderstood?