Grandparents cleaning out my room.

DigiGal

Hi guys

So i lived with my grandparents until I moved it no a flat for a year whilst in college, the lease will expire in Dec, I am an artist and need loads of room to work and often work late into the night which wasnt fair on my grandparents, also the generation gap is too large and they would get annoyed if I went out drinking etc

Now my grandparents without consulting me took all my things put em in black bags shoved em in the shed and papered the room and recarpeted it awfully without asking me and are now using it as a guest room, despite us already having one


This is very similar to when my mam died my grandmother whilst I was at school took all her things and put them in a skip and them taken away even photos, my baby brothers birth bracelet and hand prints and the only 2 photos i have of him before he died as well as cd's dvd's book and clothes belonging to me


I've tried to talk to her but she wont listen to me. What will I do, If i break up with my OH or lose my scholarship i wont be able to afford another flat and i'll have to come back and live in a guest room.
My OH' parents didnt touch his or his brothers rooms, and my aunt's and uncles left theres intact when they went off to college
They always promised me they'd leave it exactly the way it was
I dont understand why they are doing this

StillWaters

Was this your home, i.e. did you move in after your mam died? If not, they were entitled to clear it and redecorate it after you had moved out.

They do sound rather unthinking and cold, particularly in the way they dealt with your late mother's belongings.

If this was your home, its out of order, and they really should have talked to you first. Either way, they don't seem the type of people you can have a heart to heart with. Do you think, because of the generational thing, they were upset you moved in with your OH?

Bob the Builder

StillWaters wrote: »

Was this your home, i.e. did you move in after your mam died? If not, they were entitled to clear it and redecorate it after you had moved out.

They do sound rather unthinking and cold, particularly in the way they dealt with your late mother's belongings.

If this was your home, its out of order, and they really should have talked to you first. Either way, they don't seem the type of people you can have a heart to heart with. Do you think, because of the generational thing, they were upset you moved in with your OH?

Yes, I agree with everything here also. They do seem to have dealt with you a bit insensitively.

I can see where StillWaters is coming from in the last sentence. Bare in mind, in their time, it may have been frowned upon greatly to move out with a boyfriend whom you have not married, and may just be insensitive to the way you feel now.

Otherwise they may have adopted the attitude that they are no longer good enough for you or something like that.

Also, bare in mind, they would have lived in a very small house when they were younger and when their brothers and sisters (and even children) immigrated, their rooms may have been cleared out to make way for the next one in the family. Maybe your grandparents know no different?

I do think it is odd the way they won't even talk to you about it...

DigiGal

Hey guys,

very Helpful replies


It was their house yes, we gave up our house to move in and look after my sick grandmother.
Its not that i mind them redecorating, its just that they threw all my belongings in my shed. and they didnt tell me they were doing it.

My grandfather only had 1 sis and one bro but it was like that for my grandmother yes. I never thought that they would disapprove, i always thought they were happy for us (we are together 7 year btw) but i see what you mean now.

ash23

Being honest I don't understand why you left all your stuff there. When you move out as an adult, you move out. End of.

When I went to college I took everything with me and anything I didnt take I said could be dumped. My family redecorated the room soon after.
I moved back in at 20 when my daughter was born but moved out again a few months later to live with my OH and again, took all my belongings and my daughters belongings. There is nothing of mine in my parents house.

You're an adult, you've your own house. Take your stuff out of your grandparents way and keep what is important and dispose of what isn't.

Liam Byrne

DigiGal wrote: »

Its not that i mind them redecorating, its just that they threw all my belongings in my shed. and they didnt tell me they were doing it.

It seems from the phrasing like you're reliving the previous event; most people would say that they "put" all the belongings in the shed ?

Do you think that - if the earlier event hadn't happened - that this would have made you feel like it does ?

DigiGal

ash23 wrote: »

Being honest I don't understand why you left all your stuff there. When you move out as an adult, you move out. End of.

When I went to college I took everything with me and anything I didnt take I said could be dumped. My family redecorated the room soon after.
I moved back in at 20 when my daughter was born but moved out again a few months later to live with my OH and again, took all my belongings and my daughters belongings. There is nothing of mine in my parents house.

You're an adult, you've your own house. Take your stuff out of your grandparents way and keep what is important and dispose of what isn't.

I moved out for the the college semester.....not for good. I'm 19 years old so i'm not moving out as an adult, its temporary and they know that, there is no need for such harshness
Also i dont know how big your first flat was but mine is tiny, there is barely enough room for my stuff let alone me and my OH i'm not lucky enough to have money to pay for a house.
He left his stuff in his parents and they didnt throw it out

DigiGal

Liam Byrne wrote: »

It seems from the phrasing like you're reliving the previous event; most people would say that they "put" all the belongings in the shed ?

Do you think that - if the earlier event hadn't happened - that this would have made you feel like it does ?

Well they didnt put them in the shed, they put them in black bags and threw it down the bag, it wasnt neatly organised or stacked, it was thrown on a bunch of other stuff.
I'm just upset because I wasnt even asked to move my stuff. it was done without consultation and they new i couldnt bring some stuff to my flat as It is very small

ash23

DigiGal wrote: »

I moved out for the the college semester.....not for good. I'm 19 years old so i'm not moving out as an adult, its temporary and they know that, there is no need for such harshness

I'm not being harsh I just don't think that our parents/grandparents owe us a roof over our heads and our own bedroom once we're grown up.
You're 19. An adult. In a long term relationship with a partner.

I honestly don't see anything wrong with them clearing out your old room and redecorating it as a guest room. You will be staying there for the summer and then gone again in september. You can't expect them to keep your room when you are gone for 9/12 months.

My friends parents didn't keep their rooms for them once we went to college, nor did my exs parents. The stuff in the rooms went into storage, the walls were painted and we became "guests" when we went back to stay.

Its part of growing up.
And while it might not be sentimental and stuff movies are made of, most parent ime, clear out their kids rooms and turn them into guest rooms or give them to siblings once the older kid heads to college.

DigiGal

ash23 wrote: »

I'm not being harsh I just don't think that our parents/grandparents owe us a roof over our heads and our own bedroom once we're grown up.
You're 19. An adult. In a long term relationship with a partner.

I honestly don't see anything wrong with them clearing out your old room and redecorating it as a guest room. You will be staying there for the summer and then gone again in september. You can't expect them to keep your room when you are gone for 9/12 months.

My friends parents didn't keep their rooms for them once we went to college, nor did my exs parents. The stuff in the rooms went into storage, the walls were painted and we became "guests" when we went back to stay.

Its part of growing up.
And while it might not be sentimental and stuff movies are made of, most parent ime, clear out their kids rooms and turn them into guest rooms or give them to siblings once the older kid heads to college.

But they didnt ask me or tell me, they infact told me to leave my stuff there because they knew i didnt have enough room for it in my flat.
And then i come over one day and all my stuff is gone, and a good load of it wrecked from being in the shed crushed with other stuff, my paintings and sketchbooks, photographs etc....

ash23

DigiGal wrote: »

But they didnt ask me or tell me, they infact told me to leave my stuff there because they knew i didnt have enough room for it in my flat.
And then i come over one day and all my stuff is gone, and a good load of it wrecked from being in the shed crushed with other stuff, my paintings and sketchbooks, photographs etc....

Ok, so are you annoyed with them for wrecking your stuff or for changing your room to a guest room. The OP seemed to be about the fact that they changed the room to a guest room which is what I was responding to, the emotional side of it as opposed to the actual stuff being moved and damaged.

Yeah I'd be annoyd if someone damaged my stuff. But my points about the room still stands. You moved out. For 9 out of 12 months. The room is empty and unused so they are right to change it into a guest room.

They should have got you to come over and go through your stuff and sort out what you wanted to keep but other than that, their house, their room, their right.

BTW,

Also i dont know how big your first flat was but mine is tiny, there is barely enough room for my stuff let alone me and my OH i'm not lucky enough to have money to pay for a house.
He left his stuff in his parents and they didnt throw it out

I lived in a box room for 3 years of college and then had my daughter and moved home where we shared a double bedroom for 8 months. I used to (when I was in school) hoard everything. Letters, teddies, postcards etc but I learned to keep what was important and dump what wasn't.

StillWaters

ash23 wrote: »

Being honest I don't understand why you left all your stuff there. When you move out as an adult, you move out. End of.

I don't agree with this, we all need a hub in our teens and twenties, somewhere we can return to in turbulant times. You move out but it may take several stabs at independence before you finally make it.

I really feel for you OP, I think it was incredibly uncaring to do this to you twice. I can just advise you to find family elsewhere and take some solace that whatever doesn't break us makes us stronger.

bronte

I think it's quite insensitive to be honest.

They should have at least asked.

I moved to London nearly two years ago and my room is the way I left it back home ..except for a new wooden floor.

I think telling you was the least that could have happened.

bigjohnny80

I wouldn't get too hung up on it. (edit: though I can appreciate that it is upsetting to you)

My folks cleared out my room as soon as I moved out (at 18). I was a bit miffed at it at first to be honest, but then maybe it was their way of saying, well we have a life too and its time for us to enjoy our time together now you kids have moved out??

They must be getting on at this stage? Perhaps they are sending a gentle message that they want to live the rest of their days on their own? Doesnt mean they dont care about you, but its just their way of saying they want space at this stage.

Communication probably wasnt great but then thats the way it is with older folks. I would not get annoyed with them.

dcukhunter

Shortly after I moved my parents done up the room and moved everything out to the shed and nothing was said. Personally I dont see anything wrong with it, its their house and the room wasn't being used so why shouldn't they use it for something if they can. I do know though should anything ever happen or if I needed to there would be a bed there for me if I wanted it long term again.

I think Liam has a good point maybe this has brought up all the old feelings after your mothers death. I know from experiance this is how some of the older generation dealt with death after a short while of mourning they got rid of most of the belongings. It does seem strange that they wouldn't keep photos and the like's but maybe thats the way they deal with things. Maybe now after what they have done its now making you feel like they are trying to get rid of you the same way and forget about you. Its very doubtful that this is the case though and should you need to they would welcome you back into the house.

Taltos

OP - you said it yourself - there is a generation gap here.

Thing is they sound very like my mum who is around the same age I would guess.
It's weird she takes so much pleasure from decorating a room as soon as it is vacated - we can all see it build in her as soon as she hears someone is moving out. When I moved out I too did my best to move all my stuff out. What was left behind was "neatly" piled for my collection next time I visited - but I had moved out so what would I expect... Made me prioritize what I had - what could I keep over what did I need to dump.

I can only imagine what they were thinking for the 9 mts - from their viewpoint you had left - but your stuff was still in their house - and while it was invaluable to you - for them it was an eyesore.

Should they have consulted with you? Maybe - but it is their house free to mess with as they way.
Should you have moved your stuff out? Maybe - but you didn't have space.
Should you have talked to them up front and sought an agreement that while you were gone they could store your things for you properly? Absolutely - but this would have meant you at least sorting out what you had and boxing it up/protecting it for storage out of their room...

Do you really expect them to leave a room alone for the guts of a year? Come off it - maybe if you were paying rent / storage for your items - maybe - but I think you need to just chalk this down to experience. Not everyone is willing to let someone else's belongings clutter their house, and without upfront communication these things are bound to happen - assumptions and thoughts are not worth the paper they are written on.

Firetrap

I think they were a bit harsh on the OP. They should have at least given her a warning about what they were going to do and given her a chance to come home and clear out her stuff herself. It's never happened to me, thank heavens, but I just know that if my parents had been thinking of turning my bedroom at home into a guest room, that they'd have asked me to do the clear-out myself.

OP, is there anywhere else you can store your things? Just in case they decide one day that they're fed up of all those bags in their shed and get rid of them? Even if it's a matter of you going through the things you value and leaving them in your OH's room.

ash23

ash23 wrote: »

Being honest I don't understand why you left all your stuff there. When you move out as an adult, you move out. End of.

When I went to college I took everything with me and anything I didnt take I said could be dumped. My family redecorated the room soon after.
I moved back in at 20 when my daughter was born but moved out again a few months later to live with my OH and again, took all my belongings and my daughters belongings. There is nothing of mine in my parents house.

You're an adult, you've your own house. Take your stuff out of your grandparents way and keep what is important and dispose of what isn't.

Who says? Loads of people still have a room in their parents' house. Most people I know, in fact. I've only been back home here and there (some summers, Christmas etc) since I left for college 7 years ago but I still have most of my stuff at my parents' house. It would seem ridiculous to be dragging old photo albums and all my clothes and whatever else around the world with me when there's a perfectly good room at home. If they genuinely needed the space, fair enough, but it's pretty horrible to clear out a room for the sake of it.

ash23 wrote: »

I'm not being harsh I just don't think that our parents/grandparents owe us a roof over our heads and our own bedroom once we're grown up.
You're 19. An adult. In a long term relationship with a partner.

She's in college. Most Irish students are reliant on their parents during college. Single parents are entitled to the lone parents allowance until the child is 22 if they're in full time education. So I think you're being a bit harsh here. Sounds like OP is doing her best to be independent and at least deserved some warning before they cleared her stuff out.

I honestly don't see anything wrong with them clearing out your old room and redecorating it as a guest room. You will be staying there for the summer and then gone again in september. You can't expect them to keep your room when you are gone for 9/12 months.

Why not? Who else is moving in?

My friends parents didn't keep their rooms for them once we went to college, nor did my exs parents. The stuff in the rooms went into storage, the walls were painted and we became "guests" when we went back to stay.

I have to say, that sounds very odd to me. I don't think I know anyone whose parents did that, unless they were living in very cramped conditions and really needed the space.

Its part of growing up.
And while it might not be sentimental and stuff movies are made of, most parent ime, clear out their kids rooms and turn them into guest rooms or give them to siblings once the older kid heads to college.

I don't agree at all. I don't think it has anything to do with growing up. I've been totally independent for a few years now, but my room is there for when I go home. Do you expect me to stay in a hotel when I visit the folks? What would be the logic in them turning my room into a guest room when the person who stays there most is me? Other people stay there the odd time, but what harm is it to them to have my stuff in the wardrobes? What's the point in me paying a fortune for storage when my parents have plenty of space? It just seems petty to me to clear out a room for the sake of it. My grandmother did it to her kids but to me it's a thing of the past, from a time when people moved out for good and married at 22.

seamus

I think Taltos has hit the nail on the head here, it's probably just a generational thing.

The way they dealt with your mother's death probably illustrates it better than how they cleaned out your room currently. It's a "just get on with it" mentality, which leaves no room for sentimentality. Particularly in the case of a death, it can be an old mentality to just dispose of everything as soon as you can and move on with your life. We are traditionally very quick to bury our dead and move on in this country.

Such as it is with your stuff - there's no room for sentimentality - if you left your stuff there, then (in their minds) it's clearly not that important, so why not stick it in black sacks and put it in the shed. If it was important stuff, you would have taken it with you.

Some parents are sentimental and leave their kids' stuff there for them till the day they die. I'm not and my parents aren't. Though I keep stuff for a while, when I moved out I took everything with me or put it in a black sack and into my parents' attic/shed. At the end of the day, a room is just a room and I always say that memories are stored in your head, and not in your stuff/room/house.

ash23

[quote=[Deleted User];66192047]Who says? Loads of people still have a room in their parents' house. Most people I know, in fact. I've only been back home here and there (some summers, Christmas etc) since I left for college 7 years ago but I still have most of my stuff at my parents' house. It would seem ridiculous to be dragging old photo albums and all my clothes and whatever else around the world with me when there's a perfectly good room at home. If they genuinely needed the space, fair enough, but it's pretty horrible to clear out a room for the sake of it. [/quote]

It's fine if the parents want to keep the room for the adult child. In this case the grandparents don't and it's their call. But yes, I do think adults are adults and if they move out then they move out. None of this back and forth nonsense.
I "dragged" all my personal belongings any time I moved. We don't know what way space is in their home. The OP said there's another guest room but how many aunts, uncles, cousins etc does she have.
My gran lives alone and has two spare rooms which are unoccupied most of the time. But when theres something on, a family event or something, and her 9 kids and their spouses and then the 30+ grandchildren and the 10+ great grandchildren all arrive, we can't even fit into the house, let alone sleep over.

My parents live alone in a 4 bed with 3 guest rooms but there are 6 of us, our OHs and our kids so we usually end up sleeping in b&bs when the family get together.

She's in college. Most Irish students are reliant on their parents during college. Single parents are entitled to the lone parents allowance until the child is 22 if they're in full time education. So I think you're being a bit harsh here. Sounds like OP is doing her best to be independent and at least deserved some warning before they cleared her stuff out.

I did say they should have mentioned it to her. Maybe I was brought up more independently than most Irish students, but I moved out and that was that. There was a room there for me if I wanted it/needed it but my Johnny Depp posters were taken off the walls and the room was redecorated so that it could be used by me OR by a guest. It was no longer MY room.

Why not? Who else is moving in?

See my first point.

I have to say, that sounds very odd to me. I don't think I know anyone whose parents did that, unless they were living in very cramped conditions and really needed the space.

Maybe my friends were brought up to be more independant too.
In fairness most moved back in at one stage or another, after breakups or job losses. But their rooms were not kept as shrines for them.

I don't agree at all. I don't think it has anything to do with growing up. I've been totally independent for a few years now, but my room is there for when I go home. Do you expect me to stay in a hotel when I visit the folks? What would be the logic in them turning my room into a guest room when the person who stays there most is me? Other people stay there the odd time, but what harm is it to them to have my stuff in the wardrobes? What's the point in me paying a fortune for storage when my parents have plenty of space? It just seems petty to me to clear out a room for the sake of it. My grandmother did it to her kids but to me it's a thing of the past, from a time when people moved out for good and married at 22.

See above point. Room will probably always be there for OP, just not decorated in her style or specifically for her use. If you re-read the OP, she does say papered the room and recarpeted it awfully without asking me and If i break up with my OH or lose my scholarship i wont be able to afford another flat and i'll have to come back and live in a guest room.
My OH' parents didnt touch his or his brothers rooms, and my aunt's and uncles left theres intact when they went off to college
They always promised me they'd leave it exactly the way it was.
She has no concerns over not being able to move back in, just that it is no longer her room which imo, is a bit juvenile.

ash23

ash23 wrote: »

It's fine if the parents want to keep the room for the adult child. In this case the grandparents don't and it's their call. But yes, I do think adults are adults and if they move out then they move out. None of this back and forth nonsense.
I "dragged" all my personal belongings any time I moved. We don't know what way space is in their home. The OP said there's another guest room but how many aunts, uncles, cousins etc does she have.

Perhaps you stayed in Ireland? Perhaps you went to college in Ireland? I've lived in the US, Belgium, Spain, France and the UK in the last 4 years, usually taking just one suitcase and travelling alone. Moving all my stuff would have cost an absolute fortune. Not everyone's situation is the same.

As for space, we don't know about that, but I don't see the problem with a room being used as a guest room with someone's stuff in it. My parents' actual guest room has random stuff in the wardrobes, so what? When someone isn't actually home, their stuff can be stored under the bed/in one wardrobe so that it basically looks empty.

My gran lives alone and has two spare rooms which are unoccupied most of the time. But when theres something on, a family event or something, and her 9 kids and their spouses and then the 30+ grandchildren and the 10+ great grandchildren all arrive, we can't even fit into the house, let alone sleep over.

Yeah I get that but OP seems to think she'll be spending a few months a year there. So it makes more sense to keep a room for her than for relatives who just might be staying for a few nights. Everyone has family events, nobody expects the entire family to be able to stay over unless the grandparents live in a castle.

My parents live alone in a 4 bed with 3 guest rooms but there are 6 of us, our OHs and our kids so we usually end up sleeping in b&bs when the family get together.

Well, that's different. You have way more kids than rooms, and a child of your own. Not really the same as a childless 19 year old only child (I presume?) with a part time job in college.

I did say they should have mentioned it to her. Maybe I was brought up more independently than most Irish students, but I moved out and that was that. There was a room there for me if I wanted it/needed it but my Johnny Depp posters were taken off the walls and the room was redecorated so that it could be used by me OR by a guest. It was no longer MY room.

Fair enough about the posters and everything but I'm sure they could have kept some of her stuff. And there's no excuse for not telling her. That's really cruel.

Maybe my friends were brought up to be more independant too.
In fairness most moved back in at one stage or another, after breakups or job losses. But their rooms were not kept as shrines for them.

Well if you moved back in then you weren't independent. Seems way less independent that someone who moves out for pretty much good but keeps stuff in their room, so the clearing out your room was clearly a pointless symbol. You think it's childish to expect your parents to keep your clothes in a wardrobe and your duvet cover on the bed, but it's grand to actually move back in when you break up or lose a job? I do not see the logic in that. At all.

It's not about keeping a 'shrine', it's about not throwing out someone's stuff for no good reason. It seems way less logical to me to throw out someone's stuff 'just because' or in case someone else 'might' want to stay there for a few nights.

See above point. Room will probably always be there for OP, just not decorated in her style or specifically for her use. If you re-read the OP, she does say papered the room and recarpeted it awfully without asking me and If i break up with my OH or lose my scholarship i wont be able to afford another flat and i'll have to come back and live in a guest room.
My OH' parents didnt touch his or his brothers rooms, and my aunt's and uncles left theres intact when they went off to college
They always promised me they'd leave it exactly the way it was.
She has no concerns over not being able to move back in, just that it is no longer her room which imo, is a bit juvenile.

Not really. It seems more juvenile and petty to redecorate it when there's nobody else actually moving in. It's not like the OP is 30. She's 19. She might very well need to move back in. Some people really like to have their 'home' especially in a situation where a parent died or they've had to move a lot. I don't think that's sad when you're still in your late teens.

claiva

I'm not trying to be funny, but have you tried TALKING to THEM about it ?
You are 19, which means you are an adult.
It's your business whom you move in with etc.
Tell your Grandparents you are deeply hurt at their insensitive behaviour and ask them what their motive was.
Be assertive with them, it definitely sounds like they are still treating you like a child, which you clearly are not.
Best of luck.

Oh and btw, if you are 19, I'm assuming your Grandparents are in their 60's ???
They are not that old that they should be dissaproving of moving in with a boy before wedlock etc etc

ash23

[quote=[Deleted User];66193459]Perhaps you stayed in Ireland? Perhaps you went to college in Ireland? I've lived in the US, Belgium, Spain, France and the UK in the last 4 years, usually taking just one suitcase and travelling alone. Moving all my stuff would have cost an absolute fortune. Not everyone's situation is the same.[/quote]
OP is in Ireland, not abroad so I don't see the relevance. Post isn't about you, it's about OP who has her own flat with her OH in Ireland.

As for space, we don't know about that, but I don't see the problem with a room being used as a guest room with someone's stuff in it. My parents' actual guest room has random stuff in the wardrobes, so what? When someone isn't actually home, their stuff can be stored under the bed/in one wardrobe so that it basically looks empty.

Op says the stuff put in the shed was artwork. And no we don't know the OPs family size. Maybe they wanted to redecorate, moved the stuff into the shed whilst redecorating and didn't bother putting it back into the room. I'm assuming her grandparents are elderly and she mentioned her grans ill health in another post on this thread. Maybe OP should sort through the stuff and put what she wants to keep in the attic. Or box it up and put it tidily into the room. I'm sure her grandparents wouldn't mind that. If the stuff was all over the room then it had to be moved when they redecorated it.

Yeah I get that but OP seems to think she'll be spending a few months a year there. So it makes more sense to keep a room for her than for relatives who just might be staying for a few nights. Everyone has family events, nobody expects the entire family to be able to stay over unless the grandparents live in a castle.

The room is still there. They haven't told OP she can't stay in it. They just redecorated it.

Well, that's different. You have way more kids than rooms, and a child of your own. Not really the same as a childless 19 year old only child (I presume?) with a part time job in college.

We lived in a 3 bed when we were kids. There were 3 sets of bunks. 2 sets in one room and one set in the box room.

When we moved out my parents got rid of the bunks and got double beds. If we were all home at the same time we stayed elsewhere. We didn't moan that the parents hadn't kept our bunks so we'd somewhere to sleep. Even leaving out the OHs and the kids, there isn't enough beds in the house for us all when we come home unless the 4 girls share the 2 doubles and the boys bunk on the sofas.
When I was a childless 17/18/19 year old I had a part time job, was in college and didn't have my old room at home. As I said, I rented a room in a shared house for the whole year, not just term time.

Fair enough about the posters and everything but I'm sure they could have kept some of her stuff. And there's no excuse for not telling her. That's really cruel.

They did keep it. In the shed. Agree they should have told her. Not cruel, just thoughtless.

Well if you moved back in then you weren't independent. Seems way less independent that someone who moves out for pretty much good but keeps stuff in their room, so the clearing out your room was clearly a pointless symbol. You think it's childish to expect your parents to keep your clothes in a wardrobe and your duvet cover on the bed, but it's grand to actually move back in when you break up or lose a job? I do not see the logic in that. At all.

Since the week before my 17th birthday (almost 11 years now) I lived at home for 8 months after the birth of my daughter and the subsequent dumpage by her father.
I didn't move in and out every few months. My point was that when things got very bad for us, we had a place to go. However we were all encouraged to get back on our own two feet as soon as possible.
My sister stayed with them for 5 months after she split from her fiancee and then she went travelling.
My other sister lost her job and stayed with them for a month while she found another.
My brother lived with them for about 3 months while unemployed.

In total, in 11 years (I'm the youngest) they have had (out of 6) one of us living there for 8 months, one for 5 months, one for one month and another for 3 months. Hardly lacking independence. Hardly comparable to someone who leaves all their stuff at home in their shrine like rooms and comes home to be looked after every summer and every christmas break :rolleyes:

It's not about keeping a 'shrine', it's about not throwing out someone's stuff for no good reason. It seems way less logical to me to throw out someone's stuff 'just because' or in case someone else 'might' want to stay there for a few nights.

Didn't throw it out. Moved it. Different.

Not really. It seems more juvenile and petty to redecorate it when there's nobody else actually moving in. It's not like the OP is 30. She's 19. She might very well need to move back in. Some people really like to have their 'home' especially in a situation where a parent died or they've had to move a lot. I don't think that's sad when you're still in your late teens.

You do. She does. Her grandparents don't. She still has a home. Imo, there is too much sentiment placed on it being "her" room.
It's done, no point in her dewlling on it or reading more into it than is there.

If my daughter left for college I'd probaly box up the stuff she had left and pop it in the attic and redecorate her room. It'd still be her home and I'd still love her more than life itself.
But for me, I'd be happy to have my house to myself. After years of picking paint and furniture around the needs of the kids, I'd quite like to have my house as MY house and not keep it a certain way for a woman who comes back home now and then.

My spare room is chock-a-block with toys and my daughters bedroom is covered in pink butterflies. My furniture is covered in throws so they don't get stained from spills and for years I had to keep all my "nice" things up high.

I'd be sad to see her grow up and head out into the world but I'd also look forward to having my own space and being able to do as I please with it.

As I said, it doesn't mean I don't love her or want her around.

ash23

ash23 wrote: »

OP is in Ireland, not abroad so I don't see the relevance. Post isn't about you, it's about OP who has her own flat with her OH in Ireland.

Oh I'm sorry, I thought this was also a general discussion since you've said plenty about yourself. I'm pointing out that not everyone is in the same situation, whether or not they live in Ireland.

Op says the stuff put in the shed was artwork. And no we don't know the OPs family size. Maybe they wanted to redecorate, moved the stuff into the shed whilst redecorating and didn't bother putting it back into the room. I'm assuming her grandparents are elderly and she mentioned her grans ill health in another post on this thread. Maybe OP should sort through the stuff and put what she wants to keep in the attic. Or box it up and put it tidily into the room. I'm sure her grandparents wouldn't mind that. If the stuff was all over the room then it had to be moved when they redecorated it.

Yeah, grand but could they not have asked her first?

The room is still there. They haven't told OP she can't stay in it. They just redecorated it.

Redecorated and moved her stuff out. Why?

We lived in a 3 bed when we were kids. There were 3 sets of bunks. 2 sets in one room and one set in the box room.

When we moved out my parents got rid of the bunks and got double beds. If we were all home at the same time we stayed elsewhere. We didn't moan that the parents hadn't kept our bunks so we'd somewhere to sleep. Even leaving out the OHs and the kids, there isn't enough beds in the house for us all when we come home unless the 4 girls share the 2 doubles and the boys bunk on the sofas.
When I was a childless 17/18/19 year old I had a part time job, was in college and didn't have my old room at home. As I said, I rented a room in a shared house for the whole year, not just term time.

There's clearly a lack of space at your parents' house, though. Not everyone has that issue. It would be silly to keep bunkbeds, which are for children or youth hostels, when the adults are all grown up, as this would be awkward for guests or even the grown up kids when they came back. But I doubt OP has a bunkbed.

Same here, I had a part time job and worked abroad most summers, but what does that have to do with a room at home? What's the sense in putting your stuff in storage or throwing it away to make some sort of point?

They did keep it. In the shed. Agree they should have told her. Not cruel, just thoughtless.

And it seems cruel that they were so thoughtless to a 19 year old who had moved in with her now deceased mother to help look after them.

Since the week before my 17th birthday (almost 11 years now) I lived at home for 8 months after the birth of my daughter and the subsequent dumpage by her father.
I didn't move in and out every few months. My point was that when things got very bad for us, we had a place to go. However we were all encouraged to get back on our own two feet as soon as possible.

8 months is quite a long stretch to live at home. It's still beyond me why you think you're independent when you clearly had to move home, and someone else, who might live away all the time, isn't because they still have 'their' room. I broke up with my OH and lost my job at the same time and I was expected to sort myself out (and I did). It's a lot more stress on your parents to be under their feet every day than it is to have your stuff left behind in an empty room.

My sister stayed with them for 5 months after she split from her fiancee and then she went travelling.
My other sister lost her job and stayed with them for a month while she found another.
My brother lived with them for about 3 months while unemployed.

In total, in 11 years (I'm the youngest) they have had (out of 6) one of us living there for 8 months, one for 5 months, one for one month and another for 3 months. Hardly lacking independence. Hardly comparable to someone who leaves all their stuff at home in their shrine like rooms and comes home to be looked after every summer and every christmas break :rolleyes:

You seem really bitter for some reason. And I find it really hypocritical that you think less of people who still have their own room and go home to sleep in it and be 'looked after' (what does that even mean?) while you moved back in for 8 whole months because you couldn't manage on your own. Yes, my mam cooks my dinners for me the few days I'm home over Christmas and she even sometimes *gasp* puts on a fresh duvet for me. I'm not sure how this makes me any less of an independent adult.

I'm not sure what you survived on in college, since I highly doubt that a part time job paid for 100% of your rent, food and other expenses, but most students can't afford to rent during the summer. It makes much more financial sense to move home and get a job to save money for the next year.

You do. She does. Her grandparents don't. She still has a home. Imo, there is too much sentiment placed on it being "her" room.
It's done, no point in her dewlling on it or reading more into it than is there.

It is 'her' room, though. It's nobody else's at this point.

If my daughter left for college I'd probaly box up the stuff she had left and pop it in the attic and redecorate her room. It'd still be her home and I'd still love her more than life itself.
But for me, I'd be happy to have my house to myself. After years of picking paint and furniture around the needs of the kids, I'd quite like to have my house as MY house and not keep it a certain way for a woman who comes back home now and then.

My spare room is chock-a-block with toys and my daughters bedroom is covered in pink butterflies. My furniture is covered in throws so they don't get stained from spills and for years I had to keep all my "nice" things up high.

I'd be sad to see her grow up and head out into the world but I'd also look forward to having my own space and being able to do as I please with it.

As I said, it doesn't mean I don't love her or want her around.

Totally different outlook, I guess. To me it seems like you're focused on how things appear, and the symbolic aspect than the actual reality. My parents have their own life now and do their own thing but they couldn't care less if we still have our own rooms with our stuff in them. They never even go into our rooms, why would they? If they decided to turn the house into a B&B or move some relatives in, then yeah, they'd want me to clear everything out, but there is no logic in living doing it for the sake of it, making my life harder than it already is by making me pay for storage for stuff I can leave there for free, bothering nobody. My parents have plenty of space, there's no point in clearing out my room so they can go and dance around in there. There's a difference between cleaning out a room for a good reason and doing it because the person is 18 now and they should feck off.

ash23

[quote=[Deleted User];66194692]Oh I'm sorry, I thought this was also a general discussion since you've said plenty about yourself. I'm pointing out that not everyone is in the same situation, whether or not they live in Ireland.[/quote]
In the case of someone backpacking I would think their parents could store stuff in the attic or garage. I still don't think someone needs their room to be kept just-so. If the 'rents want to redecorate off with them.

Yeah, grand but could they not have asked her first?

Did you read my posts at all!! I did say they should have told her. Numerous times.

Redecorated and moved her stuff out. Why?

Because they felt like it. because they saw a home improvement programme and took a whim to redecorate. Because they thought it would be nice for her to have a nice freshly decorated room to come back to?
I dunno. Maybe OP should ask them instead of getting upset over it.

There's clearly a lack of space at your parents' house, though. Not everyone has that issue. It would be silly to keep bunkbeds, which are for children or youth hostels, when the adults are all grown up, as this would be awkward for guests or even the grown up kids when they came back. But I doubt OP has a bunkbed.

We don't know how many aunts and uncles OP has. Nor cousins.
If it would be silly to keep bunks then is it not equally silly to keep a room crammed with art projects, supplies and clothes that aren't worn, teddies and photos that aren't looked at etc etc.... Wouldn't it be awkward to ask a guest to sleep in what is clearly someones "room". I wouldn't like it.

Same here, I had a part time job and worked abroad most summers, but what does that have to do with a room at home? What's the sense in putting your stuff in storage or throwing it away to make some sort of point?

It wasnt about making a point. it was about growing up and moving out. I was no longer living at home. My stuff was where i was living. Simple as. Whats the point in leaving a crap load of unused stuff littering your parents house just to make yourself feel better?

8 months is quite a long stretch to live at home. It's still beyond me why you think you're independent when you clearly had to move home, and someone else, who might live away all the time, isn't because they still have 'their' room. I broke up with my OH and lost my job at the same time and I was expected to sort myself out (and I did). It's a lot more stress on your parents to be under their feet every day than it is to have your stuff left behind in an empty room.

My parents weren't living there at the time. They had moved into another home. My mother stayed down a fair bit as I was very ill towards the end of the pregnancy and after the birth. I was living in their home but lived there alone. I paid rent to them. So I was somewhat dependent on them for a brief time but also maintained my independence. When they began to interfere too much I left.

You seem really bitter for some reason.

Lol, bitter? Girl, you don't even know me! Just because I think a 19 year old should get over having her room that she no longer lives in redecorated doesn't mean I am in any way bitter. I just think that at that age a person is an adult and should act as such unless they are in a bad place.
I get on great with my parents and they are a huge support to me. They are always there when I need them and they babysit etc and there is nothing wrong with that. However, I do not expect it and I appreciate it.

At some point we have to start looking at our parents/guardians the same way we do our friends and other family. My daughter is 7. She expects me to provide for her. She expects a roof over her head and she expects me to make her dinner.
If a friend does me a favour I appreciate it. But I don't expect anything from anyone other than myself. I will accept all help and favours and kindness graciously and with appreciation. But nobody is obliged to do anything for me.
That imo is the difference between a child and an adult.

And I find it really hypocritical that you think less of people who still have their own room and go home to sleep in it and be 'looked after' (what does that even mean?) while you moved back in for 8 whole months because you couldn't manage on your own. Yes, my mam cooks my dinners for me the few days I'm home over Christmas and she even sometimes *gasp* puts on a fresh duvet for me. I'm not sure how this makes me any less of an independent adult.

Again see my point about expecting. My mammy cooks christmas dinner. But I cook for her when she visits me. She puts fresh sheets on the spare bed when I visit. But I do the same when I have guests.

As for me moving back in, well I was 20 and had just given birth. Yes, my mammy helped me out. As she would if I were 30 and had just given birth. She's my ma and thats what she does, what she likes to do. I'll be the same with my daughter I hope. i'll be there for her if she needs me and there'll be a bed for her if she needs it. But she will also be encouraged to go out and make her own life and her room at my house will not be there indefinitley.

I'm not sure what you survived on in college, since I highly doubt that a part time job paid for 100% of your rent, food and other expenses, but most students can't afford to rent during the summer. It makes much more financial sense to move home and get a job to save money for the next year.

During term I worked 6-11 3 days a week and every weekend. During summer I worked full time.
I never got financial help from my parents in college. i had my grant and my job. I never lived at home during the summer.

It is 'her' room, though. It's nobody else's at this point.

I actually think you'll find it's a room in her grandparents house that was hers until she moved in with her boyf and became an adult. Now, it is her grandparents spare room which she is welcome to stay in as a guest.

Totally different outlook, I guess. To me it seems like you're focused on how things appear, and the symbolic aspect than the actual reality. My parents have their own life now and do their own thing but they couldn't care less if we still have our own rooms with our stuff in them. They never even go into our rooms, why would they? If they decided to turn the house into a B&B or move some relatives in, then yeah, they'd want me to clear everything out, but there is no logic in living doing it for the sake of it, making my life harder than it already is by making me pay for storage for stuff I can leave there for free, bothering nobody. My parents have plenty of space, there's no point in clearing out my room so they can go and dance around in there. There's a difference between cleaning out a room for a good reason and doing it because the person is 18 now and they should feck off.

I use my daughters room a fair bit when she's at her dads. The spare room is only a box with a single bed and is crammed full of stuff. She has the other double room and double bed. So when I have guests which is often enough, they sleep in her room.
You dont know why the grandparents in the OP cleared out her room. Hell, she doesn't even know as she didn't ask them!
Maybe they want to start having family and friends over more. Maybe they want to start giving dinner parties and want 2 guest rooms so people could drink and stay over. Maybe they'e hated the wallpaper and carpet in that room for years and were dying to get rid of it.
Maybe they were sick of picking their way around the OPs stuff in order to clean the room.

Maybe they thought it would be lovely for the OP and her boyf to have a nice grown up guest room for when they visit (when my ex got with me they emptied out his room, painted it, out down new floors, bought a double bed and new covers so that when I stayed there on occasion, we wouldn't be sleeping in a teenage boys room with posters on the walls and knick knacks, old toys and games and old clothes spilling out from the wardrobe and under the bed).

iguana

ash23 wrote: »

I used to (when I was in school) hoard everything. Letters, teddies, postcards etc but I learned to keep what was important and dump what wasn't.

I think that unless most of your family died when you were very young like the OP's has then you have absolutely no right to imply she needs to learn what's important. Material possessions take on an entirely different meaning to people who have lost so many people who they love. Not just mementos of who we have lost but our own things that represent for us how we have coped with the changes to our lives that have come about from those deaths.

In addition having a room that we can call home, that we can feel secure will be the same for us is going to be utterly, utterly different to someone who lost their family and had to leave their home as a teenager. When you have already lost so much having a small pocket of security and family belonging is as close to a nessecity as you can get. The OP isn't like a normal teenager having to go to college and move on from her family. She had her family taken from her when she was young and has had to 'grow up' in a way that most people don't have to until they are middle aged.

Digigal, I'm sorry if I crossed a line here. I don't want to make you sound like a victim or special case. But your circumstances are very different to other new students and people comparing your situation to their growing up experiences are so far off base it's not funny. I think your grandparents behaved callously toward you and should have shown a lot more consideration. Possibly this is their way of dealing with their own grief or possibly they are just kind of callous in their personality, I don't really know. Either way I think you have to accept that you won't get a lot of understanding from them about this and unfortunately have to rely on yourself to protect what's important to you. If I was you I'd gather up my important belongings and find storage from them. A private storage locker isn't hugely expensive so perhaps you could hire one and keep your stuff there until you are able to keep them with you permanently?

ash23

iguana wrote: »

I think that unless most of your family died when you were very young like the OP's has then you have absolutely no right to imply she needs to learn what's important.

With all due respect, I don't think it's healthy to become a hoarder either.

I don't think I ever implied she should learn what is important. But she cannot keep every single thing she has ever owned. She needs to decide for herself what it is she wants to keep and put into storage in the attic, and what needs to be disposed of.

You've taken my quote out of context. People will always have space restrictions, be it the size of their wardrobe or their house. We don't ahve the luxury of being able to store our stuff in other peoples houses indefinitely. OP was saying her apt was too small for her belongings. I was saying that at some point you have to start deciding between what to keep and what not to keep in relevance to where you are residing.

I moved from a 2000sq ft house into a house half the size. I sorted through my clothes and my daughters toys and binned what wasn't important. I boxed up artwork and books and they went into storage containers which were put in under the beds.
Anything of sentimental value (things from my pregnancy, the birth, my daughters bits and pieces, photos etc) are in boxes in my hot press.

I cannot keep every picture my daughter paints, every piece of paper she writes on. Some have to be binned. Some mean more and are kept.

ash23

ash23 wrote: »

In the case of someone backpacking I would think their parents could store stuff in the attic or garage. I still don't think someone needs their room to be kept just-so. If the 'rents want to redecorate off with them.

Because they felt like it. because they saw a home improvement programme and took a whim to redecorate. Because they thought it would be nice for her to have a nice freshly decorated room to come back to?
I dunno. Maybe OP should ask them instead of getting upset over it.

And are those things more important than how their granddaughter feels? Feeling like painting the walls is more important than hurting her?

We don't know how many aunts and uncles OP has. Nor cousins.
If it would be silly to keep bunks then is it not equally silly to keep a room crammed with art projects, supplies and clothes that aren't worn, teddies and photos that aren't looked at etc etc.... Wouldn't it be awkward to ask a guest to sleep in what is clearly someones "room". I wouldn't like it.

Presumably any guests would be family, they're not running a hotel. When you go and stay with family, you expect it to be like a home, not a hotel. Don't see what's awkward about it at all. I rarely sleep in a room in someone else's house that isn't clearly someone's 'room' who has moved out. Usually it's clean and there's no posters there, but their stuff is in the wardrobe and bits and bobs they haven't taken with them around. So what?

It wasnt about making a point. it was about growing up and moving out. I was no longer living at home. My stuff was where i was living. Simple as. Whats the point in leaving a crap load of unused stuff littering your parents house just to make yourself feel better?

Seems like picking and choosing to me. And 'unused stuff' doesn't mean 'useless stuff'. I have lots of valuable things at my parents' house that I'm just not able to take with me. My piano, for one. I'm not going to cart it around the world with me or take it from flat to flat. When I buy a house or get a seriously long term rental, then I'll pay for a moving van. I'm sure it's the same for OP and her art work. Just because you don't need something on a daily basis doesn't mean you won't ever need it.

My parents weren't living there at the time. They had moved into another home. My mother stayed down a fair bit as I was very ill towards the end of the pregnancy and after the birth. I was living in their home but lived there alone. I paid rent to them. So I was somewhat dependent on them for a brief time but also maintained my independence. When they began to interfere too much I left.

So that's exceptional circumstances, that you were lucky enough to be able to live there alone and lucky enough to have a mother to help you out. As I said, everyone's circumstances are different, why be so quick to judge other people?

Lol, bitter? Girl, you don't even know me! Just because I think a 19 year old should get over having her room that she no longer lives in redecorated doesn't mean I am in any way bitter. I just think that at that age a person is an adult and should act as such unless they are in a bad place.
I get on great with my parents and they are a huge support to me. They are always there when I need them and they babysit etc and there is nothing wrong with that. However, I do not expect it and I appreciate it.

I'm going on your posts. You're coming across as very bitter here, about people who get 'looked after' in the holidays etc. And as for acting like an adult unless they're in a bad place, who are you to decide what a 'bad place' is? It's alright when you get dumped, but not when your mother dies and you're orphaned? Surely you're either an independent adult or you're not.

At some point we have to start looking at our parents/guardians the same way we do our friends and other family. My daughter is 7. She expects me to provide for her. She expects a roof over her head and she expects me to make her dinner.
If a friend does me a favour I appreciate it. But I don't expect anything from anyone other than myself. I will accept all help and favours and kindness graciously and with appreciation. But nobody is obliged to do anything for me.
That imo is the difference between a child and an adult.

OP is a college student. How can she be expected to function like an adult with a full time job and a child? It sounds like she's doing a very good job of being independent to me.

Again see my point about expecting. My mammy cooks christmas dinner. But I cook for her when she visits me. She puts fresh sheets on the spare bed when I visit. But I do the same when I have guests.

So why begrudge other people being 'looked after?'

As for me moving back in, well I was 20 and had just given birth. Yes, my mammy helped me out. As she would if I were 30 and had just given birth. She's my ma and thats what she does, what she likes to do. I'll be the same with my daughter I hope. i'll be there for her if she needs me and there'll be a bed for her if she needs it. But she will also be encouraged to go out and make her own life and her room at my house will not be there indefinitley.

OP lost her mother, does she not deserve a bit of help too? You chose to have your child, she didn't choose her situation.

During term I worked 6-11 3 days a week and every weekend. During summer I worked full time.
I never got financial help from my parents in college. i had my grant and my job. I never lived at home during the summer.

You had a grant. So it's alright to use other peoples' parents money but not your own? The only difference between you and other people is that their parents were directly helping them out, while the taxpayer was helping you out. If you have a grant, you're no more independent than someone whose parents pay their rent.

I actually think you'll find it's a room in her grandparents house that was hers until she moved in with her boyf and became an adult. Now, it is her grandparents spare room which she is welcome to stay in as a guest.

She didn't rent the room off some stranger!! This is her FAMILY! Don't you think family should treat each other a bit better than that? Who knows what their motivation was, but I can't really think of a good reason to do something like this without even asking her.

iguana

ash23 wrote: »

I don't think I ever implied she should learn what is important.

Yes you certainly did. And the fact of the matter is that the OP knows what's important to her in a way that, thankfully, most of us don't have a clue about. You keep on bringing up your own circumstances as some sort of comparison to hers and to be quite frank your own circumstances are the exact opposite. The OP was 17 when both of her parents died and along with losing them she lost her home and had to move in with her grandparents, who for whatever reason weren't the type of people she needed to be around. She also lost her little brother at some point and has no other family.

While I doubt things were very easy for you when you had your daughter ultimately your family grew. You got someone extra to love and be loved by. The OP lost nearly everyone she loved. Your circumstances are utterly different and you are showing a startling lack of empathy. Of course you reached a point where your possessions ceased to matter too much that's natural in your circumstances. But the OP's possessions matter to her as they are in a lot of ways all she has left of her family and who she used to be.

I have a stupid, tacky tile in my kitchen, a few years ago it's the type of thing I'd have happily thrown in the bin when I moved house. But since my grandmother, who owned it, died it is one of the most important things I have. It's one of the two objects I have that I'd try to save if my house was on fire. The other is the teddy I bought for the baby I lost. Things aren't important, but sometimes what those things mean can make their loss heartbreaking.

ash23

[quote=[Deleted User];66196220]And are those things more important than how their granddaughter feels? Feeling like painting the walls is more important than hurting her?



Presumably any guests would be family, they're not running a hotel. When you go and stay with family, you expect it to be like a home, not a hotel. Don't see what's awkward about it at all. I rarely sleep in a room in someone else's house that isn't clearly someone's 'room' who has moved out. Usually it's clean and there's no posters there, but their stuff is in the wardrobe and bits and bobs they haven't taken with them around. So what?



Seems like picking and choosing to me. And 'unused stuff' doesn't mean 'useless stuff'. I have lots of valuable things at my parents' house that I'm just not able to take with me. My piano, for one. I'm not going to cart it around the world with me or take it from flat to flat. When I buy a house or get a seriously long term rental, then I'll pay for a moving van. I'm sure it's the same for OP and her art work. Just because you don't need something on a daily basis doesn't mean you won't ever need it.



So that's exceptional circumstances, that you were lucky enough to be able to live there alone and lucky enough to have a mother to help you out. As I said, everyone's circumstances are different, why be so quick to judge other people?



I'm going on your posts. You're coming across as very bitter here, about people who get 'looked after' in the holidays etc. And as for acting like an adult unless they're in a bad place, who are you to decide what a 'bad place' is? It's alright when you get dumped, but not when your mother dies and you're orphaned? Surely you're either an independent adult or you're not.



OP is a college student. How can she be expected to function like an adult with a full time job and a child? It sounds like she's doing a very good job of being independent to me.



So why begrudge other people being 'looked after?'



OP lost her mother, does she not deserve a bit of help too? You chose to have your child, she didn't choose her situation.



You had a grant. So it's alright to use other peoples' parents money but not your own? The only difference between you and other people is that their parents were directly helping them out, while the taxpayer was helping you out. If you have a grant, you're no more independent than someone whose parents pay their rent.



She didn't rent the room off some stranger!! This is her FAMILY! Don't you think family should treat each other a bit better than that? Who knows what their motivation was, but I can't really think of a good reason to do something like this without even asking her.[/QUOTE]

I can't even be bothered as you are taking me up totally wrong and deliberately ignoring points I have made.
I am like the OPs grandparents. I do not think a room needs to be kept. i do not think I should have to consult anyone to redecorate a room in my house. I do not think that moving stuff from one room into a shed is a big deal in order to redecorate. I do not think a grown woman or 19 years who is no longer living there, needs to have her room kept for her or would have an issue with me redecorating.

You and OP think differently which is your perogative but it's mine to think that the OP is over reacting.
I'm not sentimental or nostalgic. I live in the here and now and I focus on the love my family give me, not on a room in a house I don't live in.

Call me bitter if you like but anyone who knows me wouldn't say that about me. I'm independent and proud to be. Home is where I make it, whereever myself and my daughter are.
I've moved countless times, had many homes and I don't place importance on bricks and mortar or possessions.


Iguana, I never mentioned the OPs situation or what the grandparents did in relation to her mothers stuff. I have never lost a mother, nor have I ever lost a daughter so I have no reason to say what should have been done. The OP was a child when it happened. The grandparents may have thought they were doing what was right. Who knows.

None of you know the ins and outs of my life. What my relationship with my parents was like growing up. I lost my grandfather who was practically my father (as my own dad wasn't involved). But I don't find meaning of him in "stuff".
I lost a baby through a miscarriage but it isn't "stuff" that I think of.

I don't try to tell the OP how to deal with the death of her mother.
Is it really better that she takes this action of her grandparents as an insult, a sign that they don't love her and don't want her around? Is it better for her that she feels rejected by them for doing something that in a LOT of peoples eyes is no big deal.

Sure, tell her it was a horrendous thing that they did. Make her feel even worse about it. On top of losing her mother make her think like her grandparents don't want her.

Or point out that while she might feel it was a personal slur or a cruel gesture, that it is more likely a misunderstanding and an act of thoughtlessness on their behalf in thinking that she, as a grown woman with her own place, wouldn't actually mind of they redecorated.

By arguing with me ye are actually making the situation look worse from the OPs perspective.
Well done.

ash23

ash23 wrote: »

I moved from a 2000sq ft house into a house half the size. I sorted through my clothes and my daughters toys and binned what wasn't important. I boxed up artwork and books and they went into storage containers which were put in under the beds.
Anything of sentimental value (things from my pregnancy, the birth, my daughters bits and pieces, photos etc) are in boxes in my hot press.

I cannot keep every picture my daughter paints, every piece of paper she writes on. Some have to be binned. Some mean more and are kept.

You're not comparing like with like. Your daughter is still alive. Possessions are the only things OP has left from her family and her room was her own space which belonged to her and was decorated how she wanted it and probably provided a sense of home for her. You just don't seem to understand the situation she's in at all.

ash23

[quote=[Deleted User];66197339]You're not comparing like with like. Your daughter is still alive. Possessions are the only things OP has left from her family and her room was her own space which belonged to her and was decorated how she wanted it and probably provided a sense of home for her. You just don't seem to understand the situation she's in at all.[/QUOTE]

Again, you know NOTHING about me or the people I have lost in my life or my upbringing so stop making assumptions.

ash23

ash23 wrote: »

I can't even be bothered as you are taking me up totally wrong and deliberately ignoring points I have made.
I am like the OPs grandparents. I do not think a room needs to be kept. i do not think I should have to consult anyone to redecorate a room in my house. I do not think that moving stuff from one room into a shed is a big deal in order to redecorate. I do not think a grown woman or 19 years who is no longer living there, needs to have her room kept for her or would have an issue with me redecorating.

How am I taking you up wrong? I see exactly what you're saying and I don't agree. You're comparing OP's situation to your own, and they're totally different. You don't think a room needs to be kept, but you didn't lose your entire family at a young age. You see other things as being more important. Someone with very little stability quite understandably puts a high value on their 'stuff' and on their space. I won't even pretend I understand OP's position, but I am a bit funny about my room because I moved around a lot as a child. My stuff was nearly always in storage and I hardly had any toys to play with, I could never buy anything big for my room like a mirror or a chair because I'd have to leave it behind. So when we did stay in the same place for more than a couple of years, I grew attached to my room and the stuff in it and even when I went away to college, I liked coming back and finding everything as it was. And I'm not even a sentimental person. Can you not understand how rooms and stuff are more important to some people than they are to you?

You and OP think differently which is your perogative but it's mine to think that the OP is over reacting.
I'm not sentimental or nostalgic. I live in the here and now and I focus on the love my family give me, not on a room in a house I don't live in.

I just can't get over your lack of comprehension that OP's situation is worlds away from yours. OP doesn't HAVE parents. OP doesn't HAVE a child. The only family she has have just cleared out her room without asking her and you think she's overreacting?

Call me bitter if you like but anyone who knows me wouldn't say that about me. I'm independent and proud to be. Home is where I make it, whereever myself and my daughter are.
I've moved countless times, had many homes and I don't place importance on bricks and mortar or possessions.

No, you just live differently to other people, it doesn't make you more independent or better. You had a grant whereas other people don't qualify for one. You had your mother to help with the baby while other people don't. Perhaps if you didn't have the things you have, other things would seem more important.

None of you know the ins and outs of my life. What my relationship with my parents was like growing up. I lost my grandfather who was practically my father (as my own dad wasn't involved). But I don't find meaning of him in "stuff".
I lost a baby through a miscarriage but it isn't "stuff" that I think of.

No, we don't know, but if you weren't in a position where you were orphaned as a teenager and lost your home, I don't think you can really understand. I know a few people in that situation, some of whom grew up in care, and all of them are very funny about possessions and their things.

I don't try to tell the OP how to deal with the death of her mother.
Is it really better that she takes this action of her grandparents as an insult, a sign that they don't love her and don't want her around? Is it better for her that she feels rejected by them for doing something that in a LOT of peoples eyes is no big deal.


Sure, tell her it was a horrendous thing that they did. Make her feel even worse about it. On top of losing her mother make her think like her grandparents don't want her.

Or point out that while she might feel it was a personal slur or a cruel gesture, that it is more likely a misunderstanding and an act of thoughtlessness on their behalf in thinking that she, as a grown woman with her own place, wouldn't actually mind of they redecorated.

By arguing with me ye are actually making the situation look worse from the OPs perspective.
Well done.

Nobody is saying they don't want her. But that doesn't mean what they did was right. People are strange, they have funny ideas about stuff, sometimes they just don't think, but I don't think OP should feel like she's being a drama queen for being upset about this.

ash23

ash23 wrote: »

Again, you know NOTHING about me or the people I have lost in my life or my upbringing so stop making assumptions.

No, I don't, but you've said here that you have a mother, you moved out with your child, you are just NOT in the same position as OP at all. I'm getting a real 'hard done by' vibe here. I most definitely didn't have an issue free life, NOBODY has. But I know I haven't been through what OP has and I see little point in telling her she should be independent because I am, or that she shouldn't care about possessions because I don't.

ash23

But my whole point is that OP has a choice. She can see it for what it is. A difference of opinion, of values or things we find important.

She doesn't need to feel bad about it.


I have a daughter now. I lost another.

I have a mother. Who I have a good relationship with now. I didn't have a mother through my teens for reasons I won't get into.

I have a father who I didn't know as a child and hardly through the years until my daughter was born. I have a good relationship with him now.

So don't harp on to me about all I have. I had nothing. I do now. But only because I don't dwell in the past. And I would never advise anyone to dwell on things they can't change. And that is what the OP is doing. The room has been changed. It can't be undone. She can be angry and upset and miserable about it but what good will it do?
Why would anyone encourage someone to be unhappy about something that has been done and can't be undone. What is the point?

OP can be positive or negative about this. She can focus on the good or the bad. She has a loving relationship, she has her own place, she has a scholarship which also means she has a gift as an artist. She is doing something she loves.
I don't doubt her grandparents love her and want her. They are just very different to her and I don't see how slating them is actually helping the OP. She is upset because they did something. They didn't do it deliberatly with the intention of hurting her, they didn't do it to force her out of the home or make her feel unwelcome. They thought they were redecorating and nothing more.

ash23

Iguana I never mentioned the OPs personal circumstances. You did. I am not comparing anything. I am giving my perspective on the situation as I see it from the point of view of someone who doesn't think redecorating was a mortal sin. i.e. from the perspective of the grandparents to try and make the OP see that it wasn't an intentional thing that they did.

but what I am saying is being twisted so I won't be responding again.

lazygal

I agree with Ash23. I moved out of my home on a Tuesday night and by that weekend by parents had the painters in. Its now an office and when I'm home I sleep in a spare room. I am an adult, that is, I'm over 18 so no one is obliged to keep a room for me, sure if I was stuck my parents would always help me out but I really feel once you're out of home any "right" to a room goes with you. We've all had upheavels which mean things don't work out like we'd planned but that doesn't mean we can hold onto the past and keep things the way they always were.
OP you're an adult, life is full of change, good and bad. You'll just have to learn from this and keep what you really want with you if you move. I have learned to live without so much "stuff", memories are more important to me than mere possessions.

Taltos

May I respectfully suggest we take our disagreements off this thread - I cannot see how it will help the OP to have her circumstances used as leverage for one argument over another.

OP - I do feel for you on this, despite how my post may have come across earlier. But someone after me did make an excellent point - please speak to your grandparents about how their actions make you feel.
They could be totally oblivious - and could be trying to cope in the best way they know how.
In terms of just the room though - I can understand why they would have done this, they are aging and are house-proud - totally natural thing for them to do. However, they did disrespect your feelings by not at least giving you notice of what they planned - on the flipside however - they may have grown tired of waiting after so long for you to move your stuff - and on the day just acted without thinking.

Try not to hold their lack of communication as an indictment of their love for you - but instead see it as the opportunity to begin to really talk to them about things.
Try not to thrown blame - just let them know how you felt hurt and let down, and accept your own role in this.

Best of luck.

Busi_Girl08

The fact of the matter is, the OP's grandparents had no right to touch HER STUFF. She has lost a handful of personal belongings that she will never get back, or that are damaged, both from her clear out and her mother's (which I thought was particluarly deplorable). Photos are torn, frames are broken, others are lost, because the grandparents wanted to "move on".

I'm sorry, but the whole "my house, my rules" thing doesn't work when it's your own personal possessions and the memories connected to them.

My grandparents have left my uncle and aunt's rooms completely untouched. All their old books are still on the shelves, old mementos still in the drawers.
They have been living away from home for nearly 30 years, my aunt over in Italy. My Granny hasn't gotten round to ringing the decorators yet :rolleyes:
I always sleep in my aunt's room when we stay over. My brother stays in my uncle's room.
The only room that was changed was my dad and uncle's shared room. They took all their personal belongings; books, photos, etc. And my grandparents made sure they had everything they wanted before they changed it.


Surely the OP, as her daughter, was entitled to the belongings that her mother left behind? photos, jewellery, etc? I just can't get my head around the grandparents' mentality over this.

The Recliner

Can we depersonalise some of the posts please and stop the bickering

We can all disagreee with each others opinions but there is no need to make it personal, we are after all here to give advise to the OP

Monkey61

Totally agree with Ash23 and Lazygal. The OP is an adult and why an adult would want their room left untouched in a family home once they have moved out is beyond me.

I left home at 18 roughly at the same time as my mother became essentially homeless. The house she lives in now has two bedrooms, one for her and one for my younger sister who lives there. Does it bother me that there isn't a bedroom for me should I ever need it? Of course not. I am an adult now. When I go to visit we take turns sleeping on the couch. It's not a big deal at all.

There comes a time when one has to grow up and let go of certain things. I think a bedroom that you have only had for a few years (unless I am taking that up incorrectly) is one of those things.

Yes the grandparents were certainly a bit thoughtless if they damaged possessions by throwing them around the garage, but going on what I remember of the nature of the OP's relationship with her grandparents, it can hardly have come as a surprise.

Busi_Girl08

It seems the OP has tried talking to them, in the first post she said they pretty much dismissed her and didn't want to talk about it.

They told her to leave all her stuff in the room, and they promised that they wouldn't change it. Then as soon as her back was turned, they changed it, and dumped all her stuff

And yes, they did dump her stuff, not move it. If they moved it (at least properly) then her stuff wouldn't have been damaged.

In other circumstances, where she wasn't relying on them for a room if her current financial and living conditions fell under, I would suggest court action.

Peggypeg

Hey OP,

I haven't read all the posts as it seemed to go into pointless arguments so I'm sorry if I've missed something you've added. I just wanted to say that all that has happened to you sounds so ****. It's horrible that your mom and brother died, it's horrific that your Grandparents threw out their braclet and photos.

I want you to know that you do deserve to be in a family, you deserve to belong, all that has happened to you isn't your fault and it's very very unfair. I do not think it is too much to ask that your grandparents try to give you a place you feel welcome and at home in, anyone with a heart would know that after all you've been threw the least you need is somewhere to call home. Try not to be so hurt about what your grandparents have done, to be honest they sound very hard hearted and cold, people like that don't even realise they've hurt you, one of my grandparents is the same so I understand.

You're so young and you've gone through so much, I think you're brilliant in that you're in college and building a life for yourself. I wanted to tell you you're doing good, be proud of what you've achieved. Some day you will have your own family and I really hope that you have a wonderful partner and children, I know nothing can ever make up for all you've gone through but I wish with all my heart that the future that's ahead of you is wonderful and happy, you deserve it.

All the very best,
P.

Sit down and talk to them digigal.
I think your completely justified in your feelings. This has been your home.
Some people just can't cope with constant reminders of the ones they have lost around them.
Maybe this is your Grannies way of coping with missing you.

I have alot of books and papers, I came home once to find them housed outside in a new shed.
My parent didnt tell me, because they knew I wouldn't have let them move my things. They were genuinely concerned about them being a fire hazard.

There could be a multitude of reasons. Ask them.

If it come down to it, that they are looking for you to be Independent.
It is harsh, but you are capable of making a home for yourself.
You will get through it, you have come through much worse.

Redpunto

The simple fact of the matter was the grandparents should not have "dumped" her belongings in the shed, just becuase she left her stuff in her grandparents house does not mean that her belongings now belong to them. They should have told her they wanted it cleared out and then she could have done it herself. The fact that the OP assumed she could leave all her stuff there was in hindsight a bit niave, the OP has a right to be pissed off but in reality will jsut have to get over it and learn from it.

DigiGal

iguana wrote: »

I think that unless most of your family died when you were very young like the OP's has then you have absolutely no right to imply she needs to learn what's important. Material possessions take on an entirely different meaning to people who have lost so many people who they love. Not just mementos of who we have lost but our own things that represent for us how we have coped with the changes to our lives that have come about from those deaths.

In addition having a room that we can call home, that we can feel secure will be the same for us is going to be utterly, utterly different to someone who lost their family and had to leave their home as a teenager. When you have already lost so much having a small pocket of security and family belonging is as close to a nessecity as you can get. The OP isn't like a normal teenager having to go to college and move on from her family. She had her family taken from her when she was young and has had to 'grow up' in a way that most people don't have to until they are middle aged.

Digigal, I'm sorry if I crossed a line here. I don't want to make you sound like a victim or special case. But your circumstances are very different to other new students and people comparing your situation to their growing up experiences are so far off base it's not funny. I think your grandparents behaved callously toward you and should have shown a lot more consideration. Possibly this is their way of dealing with their own grief or possibly they are just kind of callous in their personality, I don't really know. Either way I think you have to accept that you won't get a lot of understanding from them about this and unfortunately have to rely on yourself to protect what's important to you. If I was you I'd gather up my important belongings and find storage from them. A private storage locker isn't hugely expensive so perhaps you could hire one and keep your stuff there until you are able to keep them with you permanently?

No its fine. Yes both my parents and my brother passed away and most of that stuff are things they have given me that are very important to me.

DigiGal

ash23 wrote: »

I can't even be bothered as you are taking me up totally wrong and deliberately ignoring points I have made.
I am like the OPs grandparents. I do not think a room needs to be kept. i do not think I should have to consult anyone to redecorate a room in my house. I do not think that moving stuff from one room into a shed is a big deal in order to redecorate. I do not think a grown woman or 19 years who is no longer living there, needs to have her room kept for her or would have an issue with me redecorating.

You and OP think differently which is your perogative but it's mine to think that the OP is over reacting.
I'm not sentimental or nostalgic. I live in the here and now and I focus on the love my family give me, not on a room in a house I don't live in.

Call me bitter if you like but anyone who knows me wouldn't say that about me. I'm independent and proud to be. Home is where I make it, whereever myself and my daughter are.
I've moved countless times, had many homes and I don't place importance on bricks and mortar or possessions.


Iguana, I never mentioned the OPs situation or what the grandparents did in relation to her mothers stuff. I have never lost a mother, nor have I ever lost a daughter so I have no reason to say what should have been done. The OP was a child when it happened. The grandparents may have thought they were doing what was right. Who knows.

None of you know the ins and outs of my life. What my relationship with my parents was like growing up. I lost my grandfather who was practically my father (as my own dad wasn't involved). But I don't find meaning of him in "stuff".
I lost a baby through a miscarriage but it isn't "stuff" that I think of.

I don't try to tell the OP how to deal with the death of her mother.
Is it really better that she takes this action of her grandparents as an insult, a sign that they don't love her and don't want her around? Is it better for her that she feels rejected by them for doing something that in a LOT of peoples eyes is no big deal.

Sure, tell her it was a horrendous thing that they did. Make her feel even worse about it. On top of losing her mother make her think like her grandparents don't want her.

Or point out that while she might feel it was a personal slur or a cruel gesture, that it is more likely a misunderstanding and an act of thoughtlessness on their behalf in thinking that she, as a grown woman with her own place, wouldn't actually mind of they redecorated.

By arguing with me ye are actually making the situation look worse from the OPs perspective.
Well done.

Yes ok I get it you had a daughter at a young age and your boyfriend dumped you, but that was your fault I did not ask to have my parents taken away from me and I did not ask to have my things thrown out

Those photos and presents and cards are the only things I have to remind me of a time when my parents werent riddled with cancer and I didnt have to feed them and bring them to hospital and watch their hair fall out and them slowly waste away. Your daughter is going to make more pictures and have more moments but my parents and my brother wont, I'll never get to take more pics with them, get anymore brithday presents, anymore cards

And if they had of ASKED me to move my stuff out I would have, but my point is THEY DIDNT
They threw it inot the shed where it got all wet and ripped and scrunched up


i have also noticed that in mnay posts that you have called me juvinile, well I'm sorry, I realise that you had a child mwhich automatically makes you grow up but I did my fair share of caring also.


Not only did I have to look after sick parents but A sick grnadmother. I was cooking meals for a family of 4 by the time I was 15 aswell as being a straight A student,
I hadnt time for friends and a social life and I was a hell of alot younger that you were when you had your daughter!

You probably dont know but people with terminal illneses are like children at the end, you have to watch them constantly and we were too poor to afford a carer.
And after all that I still managed to get to college and I dont think wit everything ive been through that I should be shown such a small level of respect from my grandparents whom I have done so much for, they didnt look after me I looked after them

I tried to keep as much personal info out of this thread but seen as you are going on about how hard your life is I thought id give you an idea about mine.
Yes you had a kid young but 2 billion people are parents.

You had yor mummy to help you with your daughter, to teach you to put make up on, to talk to about boys, to help with your debs and maybe someday your marriage, I never will.

And dont call me juvinile until you have experienced watching your father die of cancer then thinking your mother just has a lung infection bringing her soup for her flu, leaving for school, being called into the principals office in the middle of the day to be told your mother is dead 6 months after losing your father during your leaving cert year and still getting into college getting 550 pts in your leaving cert and pulling yourself out of the poverty your family lived in!

DigiGal

Hey Guys

Thanks for all the helpful replies

I think I was misunderstood a bit

I'm not annoyed that my room was changed, just that all my things were dumped, I wasnt asked, or even told. I cant expect my room to be the same forever but all my stuff was thrown in the shed, broken and wrecked, some jus gone, my nanny decideed i didnt need it and got rid of it
I was still alive, they were my things which I or my parents paid for and they TOLD ME i could leave it there. That is why i'm annoyed!

pookie82

I think what happened is awful, and if you don't mind me saying so, I think that the story about your grandmother throwing out all those possessions which were so dear to you after your mother's death hints at these being irrational and careless actions which are not the norm.

Don't listen to people who tell you that they had it tough and that's the way it should be etc - I don't think anyone on here can even begin to compare your situation to theirs or dictate how you should feel. You know yourself how you feel.

I'm 27 years old now and my room is just as I left it. I moved out of home officially to go to college 9 years ago, but went home for holidays and summers. I have my own place now but love going home on long weekends to see my parents and my mam always has it made up for me. It's not a babying thing, it doesn't mean you're pampered or spoiled - to me it's a lovely room where all my childhood memories are and my mum sees it that way too. There's nothing creepy about it and I wouldn't describe it as a shrine but there are some things in there from my childhood that are very special to me and there's just something about going home once in a while to your old bed that feels really comforting.

It sounds like you've had a terrible life and this is one last very hurtful straw. Is there any way you could talk to your granny and see if she could change her mind? Do they have that hectic of a life that they desperately need to convert a room for guests? (My room at home is often used for guests and they are more than able to work around the few bits and bobs I have left in it. There's no need to clear the entire thing forever to enable a few guests to use the bed.)

I suppose my ultimate advice would be to try to build your home elsewhere, salvage what you can from the bags and move on. I understand you're not financially independent and may need to go back one day but it may be the case that you don't. Is your OH supportive?

All my life I've felt there's nothing like having a base to go back to, I have moved a lot and am only now in the first ever real, "grown up" apartment that I've ever lived in but I'll always think of my original room as home and I'm really sorry you don't have that. But maybe in time you'll rebuild one elsewhere that no one else can touch.

I wish you the best.

ash23

DigiGal wrote: »

Yes ok I get it you had a daughter at a young age and your boyfriend dumped you, but that was your fault I did not ask to have my parents taken away from me and I did not ask to have my things thrown out

How is having an unplanned pregnancy or being dumped and left to raise her alone my "fault".
I didnt ask for lot of things but we get the hand we are dealt and we deal with it.

Those photos and presents and cards are the only things I have to remind me of a time when my parents werent riddled with cancer and I didnt have to feed them and bring them to hospital and watch their hair fall out and them slowly waste away. Your daughter is going to make more pictures and have more moments but my parents and my brother wont, I'll never get to take more pics with them, get anymore brithday presents, anymore cards

And if they had of ASKED me to move my stuff out I would have, but my point is THEY DIDNT
They threw it inot the shed where it got all wet and ripped and scrunched up

I did agree they should have asked. Plenty of times. Thats at least my 4th time saying it.

i have also noticed that in mnay posts that you have called me juvinile, well I'm sorry, I realise that you had a child mwhich automatically makes you grow up but I did my fair share of caring also.


Not only did I have to look after sick parents but A sick grnadmother. I was cooking meals for a family of 4 by the time I was 15 aswell as being a straight A student,
I hadnt time for friends and a social life and I was a hell of alot younger that you were when you had your daughter!

I was living alone at 13 and was a straight A student. We all have our problems.

You probably dont know but people with terminal illneses are like children at the end, you have to watch them constantly and we were too poor to afford a carer.

I do know. I sat and watched my grandad die of lung cancer when I was a teen. He was the only father I knew growing up.

And after all that I still managed to get to college and I dont think wit everything ive been through that I should be shown such a small level of respect from my grandparents whom I have done so much for, they didnt look after me I looked after them

Again, i said they should've asked but in fairness they did it before. If these were so precious you should have looked after them better. They've chucked out stuff on you before. Once bitten, twice shy.

I tried to keep as much personal info out of this thread but seen as you are going on about how hard your life is I thought id give you an idea about mine.

I never said my life was hard. I was blasted for not being nderstanding enough etc etc. I was just giving it from my perspective which is what you asked for, no?

Yes you had a kid young but 2 billion people are parents.

And lots of people lost their parents. It doesn't make it easy just because it happens to lots of people.

You had yor mummy to help you with your daughter, to teach you to put make up on, to talk to about boys, to help with your debs and maybe someday your marriage, I never will.

She helped with my daughter yes. The other stuff, no. She wasn't around. I mentioned that already.

And dont call me juvinile until you have experienced watching your father die of cancer then thinking your mother just has a lung infection bringing her soup for her flu, leaving for school, being called into the principals office in the middle of the day to be told your mother is dead 6 months after losing your father during your leaving cert year and still getting into college getting 550 pts in your leaving cert and pulling yourself out of the poverty your family lived in!

I said that expecting them to leave the room intact after you moved out was juvenile and I stand by that. If you only wanted opinions from people who had been through exactly what you describe above then I suggest in future you put that in your OP and then those of us who don't know the ins and outs won't waste our time giving our unbiased opinions.

You don't know what my upbringing was like. And I didn't know what yours was like. If we're supposed to base our posts on every bad thing that ever happened then please put it in the OP for those of us who aren't familiar with your other posts.

pookie82

Ash this thread isn't a competition for whose life is worse. The OP is looking for advice and all you've done above is pick an argument with her and try to compare your woes. None of which will help.