Can't get over not being good looking..

LegacyUser

Hey OP

I get hung up on my looks from time to time too. Used to be a major issue and depressor for me, less so now.
Basically I was a pretty kid - everyone said so. Up to age 12. Then i was an ugly teenager (or so i thought - but looking back at old photos defo a bit of an ugly duckling). Got bullied at school too (never about my looks mind you) so had basically no self esteem for a long time. So roll on college years, spent thinking i was unattractive and weird looking. Not comfortable with my body or face, too many hang ups to mention.
So now im 26 and when I look back at photos of me age 20 to 23, a time i had zero self esteem and hid from the world, I was actually pretty good looking actually. Always though i was too skinny, but was actually slim, lean and with good proportions - now im a bit fat. Thought i was going bald - nope, had a good head of hair, but now i really am going bald. Thought my head was a weird shape and my lower face was too thin. Nope - had nicely defined face. Now i seem to have put weight on my face which doesnt look right, and now that i am really losing my hair my head looks....odd....i think.

So my point is i spent a long time thinking i was below par, but in retrospect i had every reason to like how i looked.
Now, i wish i still looked how i looked only a few years ago. Maybe in 5 years i'll look back and think i looked great when i was 26!

LegacyUser

Im going to sound like a conceted d i c k h e a d by saying this Op, and its not arrongance, I think what I have to say may be of help to you. Im pretty decent looking, I get plenty of attention from women, lots of looks and flirting. At the start that is, but then they get to know me a little and they lose interest. My personality needs a lot of work. I can be blunt and unforgiving with people, Im very cynical, fairly judgemental, a bit misantropic aswell. Big chip on my shoulder to boot.
My point is, looks will get you nowhere. It pains me to say it, but its all about personality. Im trying to change mine so that Im not such an asshole. I know you feel like you have nothing because you think youre not good looking but this is creating a massive barrier between you and the world. But like I said, looks aint all that, looks add up to a whole pile of nothing. So your job is to let it go man. You cant change your looks, not in any dramatic fashion anyway. I dont agree with the, go to the gym advice. I understand where people are coming from with this but I think it feeds into the shallow concept of looks even more. Going to the gym just to look good is a bit vain. Im not saying dont go to the gym, by all means go, but go for a good reason, dont go for vanity. I mean rugby players will work on their core strength a lot because its vital in the sport. Basketball players will do a lot of plyometrics becasue its important for explosive jumping movements. Even old age pensioners will go to the gym because their back is weak or whatever and needs streghtening. So Get yourself fit for a good reason, by playing a sport you like for example. Dont do it to have a nice looking body, I mean that'll be a by product. Play a sport and go to the gym for the love of it and to be healthy. All of it just to be healthy, because if your body is healthy your mind is healthy.
The booze is going in the opposite direction. Alcohol is literally poison for your body and mind. I know quite a few muslim people, they dont drink and let me tell you they are some of the happiest folks you'll ever meet in life. They dont drink for very good reasons. So knocking the booze on the head alone will do you a world of good.
I know its hard to hear but you've made your looks the scapegoat for the reason why youre not happy in life. But for the sake of argument what if you believed this not to be true. What if you were told for 100% certainty that your looks had nothing to do with anything. What would you be left with then? Let it go and start working on the things you can actually change and the things that really matter.

jpm4

the_other_side wrote: »

Im going to sound like a conceted d i c k h e a d by saying this Op, and its not arrongance, I think what I have to say may be of help to you. Im pretty decent looking, I get plenty of attention from women, lots of looks and flirting. At the start that is, but then they get to know me a little and they lose interest. My personality needs a lot of work. I can be blunt and unforgiving with people, Im very cynical, fairly judgemental, a bit misantropic aswell. Big chip on my shoulder to boot.
My point is, looks will get you nowhere. It pains me to say it, but its all about personality. Im trying to change mine so that Im not such an asshole. I know you feel like you have nothing because you think youre not good looking but this is creating a massive barrier between you and the world. But like I said, looks aint all that, looks add up to a whole pile of nothing. So your job is to let it go man. You cant change your looks, not in any dramatic fashion anyway. I dont agree with the, go to the gym advice. I understand where people are coming from with this but I think it feeds into the shallow concept of looks even more. Going to the gym just to look good is a bit vain. Im not saying dont go to the gym, by all means go, but go for a good reason, dont go for vanity. I mean rugby players will work on their core strength a lot because its vital in the sport. Basketball players will do a lot of plyometrics becasue its important for explosive jumping movements. Even old age pensioners will go to the gym because their back is weak or whatever and needs streghtening. So Get yourself fit for a good reason, by playing a sport you like for example. Dont do it to have a nice looking body, I mean that'll be a by product. Play a sport and go to the gym for the love of it and to be healthy. All of it just to be healthy, because if your body is healthy your mind is healthy.
The booze is going in the opposite direction. Alcohol is literally poison for your body and mind. I know quite a few muslim people, they dont drink and let me tell you they are some of the happiest folks you'll ever meet in life. They dont drink for very good reasons. So knocking the booze on the head alone will do you a world of good.
I know its hard to hear but you've made your looks the scapegoat for the reason why youre not happy in life. But for the sake of argument what if you believed this not to be true. What if you were told for 100% certainty that your looks had nothing to do with anything. What would you be left with then? Let it go and start working on the things you can actually change and the things that really matter.

This guys speaks a lot of sense....I would also be considered good looking enough and yet I am generally rubbish with women! Being good looking for a man simply doesn't mean anything like it does for a women - it's a bonus but that's about it. Once you get your head around that you may finally start to find some happiness in your life. Best of luck.

LegacyUser

A bad personality can be changed with time and effort. Looks cannot.

ribbongirl

Don't feel hopeless, your body and face change up into your late twenties. Your opinion may also. From my own experience i despised by face and body in my teens and early twenties. I don't know what happen but i learned to accept, not love but like some of my features. I have gone to talk to somebody which probably helped with low self esteem least and also in realising there were somethings that weren't so bad. Right now, i am with a guy i would have never dreamed of being with and believe or not im starting to feel worthy of him and he makes me feel good about how i look. I have no doubt this will happen for you, just try not to let looks stop you living a full life.

The Recliner

gonnaplayrugby wrote: »

<Snip> Text Speak deleted </Snip>

Come back and give advice when you learn how to type please

OS119

thewindcries wrote: »

A bad personality can be changed with time and effort. Looks cannot.

you ain't gonna pull by sitting in a dark corner and glaring at people over the enormous chip on your shoulder...

looks do change, they change significantly as you gain and loose weight, when you change your hairstyle, grow a beard, even with the choice of clothes you wear.

lots of ugly people who smile and take part in life score, but precious few moping, hard-done-by, whiney blokes who creep girls out by staring at them do. get out of the house, do some exercise, do something different and loose the chip on your shoulder - then, while you may still be a swamp-donkey, you will become an attractive person , which, being something of an old swamp donkey myself, i can assure you is far more useful for felling the panties of young lovelies than being some scented, but entirely vacuous, pretty boy with wet hair.

kiwi123

OP what are you looking for? An answer to the question of why some people are fortunate or some advice on how to help yourself feel better?

i have never met a person who does not harbour inhibitions or is self conscious in some way. The trick is to not let them cripple you. Confidence is all an act, it's all a game. I suggest you start playing. It may not change you physically, but will make you a lot more appealing. Walk into a room with a smile on your face and people will notice you as a positive energy, someone up for a laugh, having the craic, enjoying life. As a girl i can safely say that is a turn on. It's up to you now to decided whether or not you want to accept all of these lovely peoples advice. There are 38 replies on this thread all coming up with ways to help you to help yourself. The desire for change has to come from you now.

Good luck op x

LegacyUser

thewindcries wrote: »

A bad personality can be changed with time and effort. Looks cannot.

Well done, you got it, you understand! Not being cheeky OP but its actually a great thing that you realise what you can and cant change.
Look I know life isnt fair, some people are born physically beautiful others not so beautiful. Some are born with great athletic ability, others couldnt even run a mile. Some people are born into stable, loving, supportive families others are born to crack whores. Some people are sexually abused as children others are treated like royalty. This is life, sure it sucks but what can you do? As far as I can see the only thing you can ever do is to accept. You say youre not so good looking, fair enough, I'll take your word for it OP. So what happens now? Do you spend the rest of your life angry because you werent born as good looking as Brad pitt or George Clooney? You said it yourself, looks cant be changed, personality can. So you have a choice: You can let this eat you alive and detroy your life(trust me, it will)or you can accept the way things are and work on the stuff you have control over.
Like I said before, I think youre making your physical appearance a scapegoat here. Youre saying that the reason youre not happy is because of your looks. That basically means that you think if you were good looking you'd be sorted, you'd be happy. Believe me when I say this, that is nonsense. Even if all of a sudden you had movie star looks and girls threw themselves at you on the street, it wouldnt make a difference to your life or your level of happiness. If you got that, if you had the looks and women did lust after you, it'd make you happy for about 5 minutes, and then there'd be something else you didnt have that if only you posssessed would make you happy. Its a bottomless pit. Your happiness does not depend upon whether or not your good looking or if girls fancy you. I know thats very Dr. Phil and all but its true. I'll say it again, even if by some miracle you achieved the looks you desire and women all of a sudden noticed you and chased after you, it wouldnt make a difference.

From your posts it sounds as if youve made your mind up OP, that looks are what really matter. Even though pretty much everybody here is telling you different. Thats fine, I used to be terrible at taking advice myself, always had to learn things the hard way. And thats fair enough because the lessons in life that have really stuck with me are the ones Ive learned for myself, the hard way. Some people are good at taking advice, others need to learn things for themselves. But thats cool. It may take a year, it may take 2 or 3 or 4 or 10, but eventually, Ive found that if something is inherently true, if something is indisputably true in life, you'll eventually understand and accept it.
So if you dont want to listen to anybody thats ok, do what you gotta do OP. All I ask is that you keep one thing in mind and that is, the possibility that what you thnk about looks isnt true and what people here have said is true. Just the possibility thats all, not asking you to ditch what you think entirely.
When people have certain beliefs in life they tend to notice things that back up these beliefs and filter out everything else. So you may notice the good looking stud with an attractive girl and think: See there it is again, life is crap, only really good looking guys get the girl. Im right, looks are everything.........But you may not notice the baldy guy with the hook nose who is also with an attractive girl. You filter out what doesnt support your belief. What Im saying is look around and question what you think. Try to see the whole picture, try to keep in mind the possibility that what you believe may not be accurate.

mudbath142

Hi,

I can only relate to my experience but when I was young I was constantly referred to as skinny, lanky, scrany, etc. I was humiliated by my mother a couple of times when my sister had a friend over to our house. It was summer and I had my top off. My mother was giving out about me on front of the others and then turned around and said "sure, there's nothing there of you anyway".

It obviously hit home as from the age of 12 I got involved in exercising (initially doing pushups, chinups) and eventually body building and changed my physique completely. Now, I'm not suggesting this is the route you take as it may not be practical, etc. I still train very intensely to this day (i'm almost 40). Mind you, my reasons are different now and more to do with fitness and health than posing on front of the ladies as I'm married anyway.

In any case, growing up I always had a very negative body image and its only in the past 10-15 years that I've managed to change it. I know it has already been pointed out that your mental health should not be dependent on your physical appearance but for a lot of us, its hard to get around that. You say your head is too big for your body (I have the opposite problem), well, work on your body to make it bigger and gradually try to improve the way you think about yourself....

Let me know if you want guidance on a good training program to get started (I'm a qualified fitness instructor and personal trainer also) .

In the meantime, read some self-help books or even try counselling. Work on your mental as well as physical health!