Can't get over not being good looking..

LegacyUser

I'm 20/male.

Probably since I first started becoming interested in the opposite sex I have felt inferior in comparison to most other males.

I hate the body I have been given. I despise how I have turned out, and given that I'm at the age now where I can expect not to change anymore physically, I have felt worse than ever these past few years.

It's one thing not being good looking (I would even say I'm below average looking), but to also be of 'unideal' height for a man, have a childish face and disproportioned body is just a real struggle for me.

I go through so many awful moments where I see a really attractive girl and yet can't even glance at her without a ''you're unworthy'' look right back at me. It kills me inside.

And btw I believe that the popular 'it's personality that's the most attractive aspect to women' theory is bullsh!t.

I get angry at the world and at myself almost every night and drink (often heavily) as a way of expressing my anger and hatred towards my body. I enjoy drinking (alone) too so I guess I see it as, if my body is useless at giving me a normal life and attracting women, then I may as well put it to some use until it expires..

Why are so many people so fortunate? Why did I have to be one of the few who was truly left with nothing?

NoQuarter

Are you making the most of what you have? Gym? Nice clothes? Nice aftershave etc etc?

Take your anger out in the gym rather than the bottle.

And have you got any talent?? Women find that sexy too. No matter what you look like if your talented at something you can punch above your weight. If you dont..get out and buy a guitar or something and get damn good on it and get yourself into a band.

Better than moping all the time, cause your appearance aint gonne change much now and at least your drinking will be cool if your in a band!

Ickle Magoo

Hey OP,

Do you know what is a zillion times less attractive than the least physically attractive man on earth? The guy with zero confidence and a mammoth chip on his shoulder. Don't think women can't sense either desperation or resentment a mile away, because they can.

What you are probably interpreting as a statement on your physicality is much more likely to be a result of your general attitude in combination with your low self-esteem and low opinion on your own attractiveness.

Do you think talking to someone about why you are so angry might help? Help you to find out why you are so down on yourself and hate the world? There are lots of ugly people who are both happy and in loving relationships so despite your "it's personality that's the most attractive aspect to women' theory is bullsh!t." claim, you have to know there is more than a grain of truth in it.

Best of luck

LegacyUser

OP here.

Being physically unattractive usually comes hand in hand with low confidence/self resentment. How can I possibly change that? I'm not going to pretend I like my appearance for a number of reasons. In fact I would feel really silly walking around looking happy and confident as people would inevitably think ''what's he got to be happy about''. I rarely smile because of that. I would actually feel embarrassed doing so.

king-stew, I play guitar and play around with various musicians/bands. I am talented but so far it's done nothing for me during the 8 or so years I have been playing... Which is why I doubt as many women actually put personality and other qualities first, like is often claimed.

kjl

cheer up OP, you might grow into your looks, most people do.

LegacyUser

Hi Op,

Sorry to hear you are feeling so down about your situation. Just a tale from my own life, I used to be very self conscious about how I looked because my jaw didn't develop properly. My self confidence was pretty low as a result and I thought I wouldn't have a hope with any woman.

After having reconstructive surgery, without wanting to sound arrogant, I looked a lot better than before and thought it would be a lot easier to have a relationship with a woman. However I was still carrying a lot of the baggage and low self esteem from before and it took a long time for that to change, which really was the key to being more successful at relationships.

Basically I would advise you to knock the bottle on the head, go out and enjoy your life. Make friends with women and eventually when you don't expect it you will click with someone. Sitting in alone and drinking at night will not really help your situation but even half an hour exercise at night instead of drinking will have you looking better and feeling more confident. You might even meet a woman while you are out getting fit. Best of luck!

itsasecret

Hi op,

You have a choice, you can sit around drinking and saying "oh i am so ugly" and feeling crap or you can say "this is what i have got, you can either love or not" I am often surprised at the guys i see who seem to have the best looking girls, and honestly it has nothing to do with looks at all. But is it possible that the drinking is a problem? I would not find someone who is drinking and angry at the world attractive!

But even if i believe you, that you are so ugly no girl will look at you, when then you have to deal with that. Forget about girls and try and get your own life sorted and be happy.Then you never know what will happen

LegacyUser

itsasecret wrote: »

Hi op,

You have a choice, you can sit around drinking and saying "oh i am so ugly" and feeling crap or you can say "this is what i have got, you can either love or not" I am often surprised at the guys i see who seem to have the best looking girls, and honestly it has nothing to do with looks at all. But is it possible that the drinking is a problem? I would not find someone who is drinking and angry at the world attractive!

But even if i believe you, that you are so ugly no girl will look at you, when then you have to deal with that. Forget about girls and try and get your own life sorted and be happy.Then you never know what will happen

I don't drink in public first of all. As for wether it effects my general mood I can't say.

I never said that no girl has shown interest in me. I have had girls interested in me. I have had 'relationships' (if you'd call them that) in the past. Way way in the past though, during the early-mid stages of secondary school. The two I had never lasted long at all though.

Since then though I have had nothing. I have begun to think that maybe I was decent looking when I was younger and then changed for the worst (facially)..

Perhaps even now though I guess there have been times I have gotten a sense that someone is looking at me/showing interest but generally those that do, I am not attracted to. Anyone I am attracted to, usually appears uninterested in me.. which is typical and what makes me so frustrated and depressed.

cafecolour

Yeah. Getting ****faced and hiding in a corner like a glowering troll isn't going to do much for you.

Plenty of ugly guys end up with attractive women. Look at pretty much 90% of rock guitarists.

As to being short and babyfaced - my old coworker was about 5'2" and looked like he was 14 (despite being about 20). He bedded literally every attractive girl we worked with. How? Well he was a complete gent and a incorrigible flirt.

Stop drinking. Go to the gym. Practice flirting. Dress and groom yerself suitably.

If you stare at a woman from across a club, all she has to judge you on is your face and your (bad) attitude.

If you start chatting with a woman, she has the whole package/attitude, which definitely can be appealing.

gonnaplayrugby

dude personality does kinda matter. ive been told by loads of girls that i'm hot but ive never had a gf or even been kissed simply because i just dont no how to act around them. then a friend of mine, he can capture any girls heart even though hes not that great looking because he has the personality and can flirt like a motherfo.:P he even won the heart of the girl i love...**** :pac:

dsmythy

Looks aren't everything. Attitude is ultra important though. Even on the looks part you say since you're 20 you are stuck with what you have. Eat healthier, go down the gym, stop drinking. These three things alone can change how you look and feel. The old joke goes that while women go downhill as they age men only get better. It's nonsense since everyone is different but trust me your features will continue to change over time. You can help this change be positive by caring more for yourself.

Eve_Dublin

king-stew wrote: »

Are you making the most of what you have? Gym? Nice clothes? Nice aftershave etc etc?

Take your anger out in the gym rather than the bottle.

And have you got any talent?? Women find that sexy too. No matter what you look like if your talented at something you can punch above your weight. If you dont..get out and buy a guitar or something and get damn good on it and get yourself into a band.

Better than moping all the time, cause your appearance aint gonne change much now and at least your drinking will be cool if your in a band!

You don't know how much truth is in this statement.

I'm seeing a guy right now who plays piano, bass and guitar brilliantly but his face is conventionally "ugly" (as in he wouldn't be considered good-looking in the mainstream). The man is the most attractive person I've ever met and I'd say 50% of that is down to the fact that he's so talented. I used to temporarily live with him and I can't say I felt an attraction for him initially but I used to hear him play piano and God knows what happened but the time and patience he'd put into his music really appealed to me and I'd get all hot and bothered. A lot of women are suckers for the quietly confident, brooding musician types but not just this alone. This guy is happy in his own skin, is optimistic, clever (I can't tell you're clever too from your post OP) and kind....and he exercises. He's also twice your age and I'm guessing that confidence came with life experience. My friends asked me was he "gorgeous" a few weeks ago (because I've gone out with a fair few conventionally gorgeous fellas over the years) and I replied, "not exactly but he's very attractive"...there's a difference and the latter matters more when attracting the ladiezzz.

Get fit OP and take a bit of pride in how you look. Work with what you have and try to learn to like and accept yourself. A lot of men grow into themselves as they get older. Looks really don't matter as much to us women as you men.

John Mason

I hate the body I have been given.

Well, you have to love yourself before anyone else can love you.

I get angry at the world and at myself almost every night?

no-one wants to even look at never mind talk to the bloke with the big angry head and scowlly face.

Being physically unattractive usually comes hand in hand with low confidence/self resentment.

omg, this is such a cop out. seriously, do you think that all the ugly people in the world are miserable ? (on that point - i dont believe are any ugly people in the world, its just ugly thoughts and personalities that make them appear ugly)

In fact I would feel really silly walking around looking happy and confident as people would inevitably think ''what's he got to be happy about''.

oh mate, you need to cop on. what have you got to be happy about - do all your limbs work? are you starving ? do you have a roof over your head? are you in negative equity? do you have a family who love and support you ?

I rarely smile because of that. I would actually feel embarrassed doing so.

this is why no girls look at you, you come across as being a miserable boring moany person

you have a couple of choices,

you accept your shortcoming and embrance them because they are what make you uniquie

go and seek counselling to help you over come your self esteem issues

or carry one being the miserable fecker sitting in the corner alone

the choice is yours.

Spiritoftheseventies

Its a bit of an old cliche but really beauty is only skin deep. Dont retreat into yourself. its the worst thing you can do here.
Strength of personality overcomes everything.

IzzyWizzy

thewindcries wrote: »

OP here.

Being physically unattractive usually comes hand in hand with low confidence/self resentment. How can I possibly change that? I'm not going to pretend I like my appearance for a number of reasons. In fact I would feel really silly walking around looking happy and confident as people would inevitably think ''what's he got to be happy about''. I rarely smile because of that. I would actually feel embarrassed doing so.

That's crazy. If anything, I'd probably think, 'why does he look so miserable?' if I saw you walking around glowering at everyone. I don't think it's ever occurred to me to expect someone not to smile because they're ugly. Looks REALLY aren't everything. If you have reasonable health, a family, a roof over your head, food to eat, you're doing a hell of a lot better than a lot of people. And I'm not just saying that. A good friend of mine is very handsome and gets a lot of attention but he lost both parents to murder when he was 13 and was brought up in care and is now sleeping on a distant relative's couch with not a penny to his name. He still finds things to smile about. Honestly, being ugly is not that important. There are LOADS of ugly men who have no problem attracting women. It's all about the attitude. If you start appreciating what you DO have to offer, start dressing well and being friendly, I'm willing to bet that would solve a lot of your issues.

LegacyUser

irishbird wrote: »

Well, you have to love yourself before anyone else can love you.

I have tried.. believe me..

I acknowledge my musical talent and that's probably the one thing I like about myself (mainly due to the knowledge that it's not something many other people have) but to like myself physically I would have to have at least one thing to be proud of. I have to have one thing that other people would like to have if you know what I mean.. How can I like my body if everything about it is sub-par and that most other healthy men have something better....

Spiritoftheseventies

Are you that vain about your looks. Get over it. You have your health and assume a bit of wealth.
Learn to appreciate the small things in life and dont be appreciate with stuff that really isnt that important.

Silverfish

Spiritoftheseventies wrote: »

Are you that vain about your looks. Get over it. You have your health and assume a bit of wealth.
Learn to appreciate the small things in life and dont be appreciate with stuff that really isnt that important.

Telling people to 'get over it' is not helpful.

Please read the charter before posting. Thank you.

LegacyUser

thewindcries wrote: »

Being physically unattractive usually comes hand in hand with low confidence/self resentment. How can I possibly change that? I'm not going to pretend I like my appearance for a number of reasons. In fact I would feel really silly walking around looking happy and confident as people would inevitably think ''what's he got to be happy about''. I rarely smile because of that. I would actually feel embarrassed doing so.

This made me laugh, because I could have written this.
As much as I can relate to it, it sounds so ridiculous when you see someone else say it.
I'm ****ed up in exactly the same way from having acne in my teens and seeing that expression you describe. The expression you'd expect to get if you just threw up in front of a girl, yet you get it for just being yourself.

thewindcries wrote: »

as people would inevitably think ''what's he got to be happy about''

Take this and examine it for rationality.
I shared this kind of thinking, and working through it in reverse:
1. Do people really think this when they look at me? Do I know this or just think it?
2. I believe strangers think this way about me because I think this way about strangers.
3. I think this way about other people because I strive to reject them before they get a chance to reject me.
4. I am trying to shield myself against rejection.
And in my head it might work, I may be able to cope with it, to resolve it.
But as Irishbird said, it comes across in your demeanour, it has to. And when it does, it repels people, which is exactly what you don't want. Especially since the resulting bad interactions feed back into your negative self image and make you worse.
I've spent years sitting there as the sour puss, half not wanting to be there, half expecting pity. But it doesn't work, since people aren't mind readers. You just end up looking unfriendly and standoffish.

You have to really believe that nobody else is perfect.
And if they are actually thinking something like - well what's HE smiling about? - then it's they who have the problem. And they do.

Eve_Dublin

thewindcries wrote: »

I have tried.. believe me..

I acknowledge my musical talent and that's probably the one thing I like about myself (mainly due to the knowledge that it's not something many other people have) but to like myself physically I would have to have at least one thing to be proud of. I have to have one thing that other people would like to have if you know what I mean.. How can I like my body if everything about it is sub-par and that most other healthy men have something better....

But how do you know? I've seen plenty of male bodies and I can tell you a vast majority of them are faaaaaar from the image that's shoved in our faces by the media. Most bodies of average healthy men are mediocre but all have room for improvement if you're willing to put the work in. What exactly do you not like about your body and we'll see if anything can be done to improve it.

Handsome Bob

I think you'll eventually wake up one day and say to yourself "I'm pissed off feeling like **** all of the time." And why do you feel like ****? Because of how other people see you? That's no way to live mate.

I think you need to stop revolving your thinking around how women view you. Every time I forget about my own hang ups and generally stop thinking 24/7 about why some women find me unattractive I find that it improves my mood and confidence considerably. The problem is that you are basing your own happiness on how other people view you. **** that, if you keep thinking like that it will mess up your mental health big time.

John Mason

thewindcries wrote: »

I have tried.. believe me..

I acknowledge my musical talent and that's probably the one thing I like about myself (mainly due to the knowledge that it's not something many other people have) but to like myself physically I would have to have at least one thing to be proud of. I have to have one thing that other people would like to have if you know what I mean.. How can I like my body if everything about it is sub-par and that most other healthy men have something better....

so out of my whole post thats all you got ??

seriously!!!!

looks are nothing you could look like brad pitt but if you have a horrible person inside that will show on the outside and you will be as ugly as sin.

you might be no oil painting but if you are nice happy person, it will show on the outside and you will glow with beauty.

beauty comes from the inside

you need to get professional help

LegacyUser

i really hope no one takes this the wrong way but I've been told that I'm very attractive several times, growing up and as an adult, and every guy I've gone out with, except one, has been very unattractive and visually unappealing.

My last boyfriend was actually ugly, no messing, and I've never fancied a guy so much in my life. He was funny and a great friend and supportive and I was crazy about him for these characteristics. And I wanted to jump into bed with him every chance I got and I loved feeling him up and all that !! As it happened he left me and only THEN did EVERYONE say 'oh god he was so ugly and you were too good for him' ! I was shocked cos I didn't really see it.

But honestly op, you being a good guy and a good friend would be so attractive to a girl.
A good personality is so great in any person. Please get past the looks thing.

Stu

Attaching your self esteem to how you think you look is a very bad idea. Looks fade, we all age. Infact being considered good looking when you are young can cause people problems later in life when the looks that got them noticed begin to fade and they haven't developed any other talents/skills that increase their self esteem having solely relied on looks to get noticed.

Self esteem in my opinion grows through your interactions with other people. Being a kind, decent person and having healthy relationships, goals and passions. Looks are but a very small part of feeling good but unfortunately OP, you are at an age when looks seem to be the be all and end all in how people evaluate each other.

I'm 33 now and when i think back to when i was 20, i was obsessed with how i looked and if women found me attractive. Although its nice to be noticed by the opposite sex, i have so much more going on in my head that keep me occupied these days that how i look to other people is low down the list in whats important. Infact, while i was better looking at 20 than i am now, i'm a happier person today because i'm a more well rounded person with some life experience. In time, you will feel the same OP, chin up.

legend365

thewindcries wrote: »

I go through so many awful moments where I see a really attractive girl and yet can't even glance at her without a ''you're unworthy'' look right back at me. It kills me inside.

And its gonna keep killin you til you do something about it.

Spiritoftheseventies

Just a thought but have you thought about joining like a gym. Exercise is a very good outlet for the self esteem and you would be in a social environment.
There are plenty of good people out there.

NoQuarter

What exactly is wrong with your body? are you overweight or too skinny?

Can it be fixed watever it is??

itsasecret

i'm a little confused op,

You know there are woman out there who find you attractive but your not attracted to them. So the ones you are attracted to are just not into you. So is it not just a case of meeting the right one.

i think most people don't wake up and look in the mirror and go "hell look how hot i am" if they did make-up manufactures would go out of business. So in order to feel good about yourself you have to look at the over all picture and say wow i have some great musical talent, I'm a nice enough guy and try and get on with it.

You can drive yourself mad by comparing yourself to other people. And also from what i can tell most people have insecurity, some people have cosmetic surgery but most people just live with what they got and most of the time when someone grows to care about you they tend to think you are the hottest thing on the planet.

My 2 cents

LegacyUser

king-stew wrote: »

What exactly is wrong with your body? are you overweight or too skinny?

Can it be fixed watever it is??

It's the things that cannot be fixed that I hate about myself. My head is far too large for my body, I'm only 5'9 and I have small bone structure on top of that. Basically the exact opposite to what I would have expected to turn out like given my genes. Anyway that's another story..

Really it's my looks (facially) that I am most affected by though as that's the most important physical aspect in attraction. Also I have a sister who is blessed with good looks and that really makes me feel like ****e tbh. Really makes me wonder how the hell I turned out like I did.

dan719

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. Seriously, both men and women go for people that are not considered universally attractive. Also being a man, you have the massive advantage that women are not as looks focused as lads. Seriously, get chatting to women in social situations, both with and without drink. You'll be amazed at how easy it is "to pull". Simply put, talk about something she enjoys, let her lead the convo, act interested (even better if you don't have to act), and off you go.

Deus Ex Machina

thewindcries wrote: »

I'm 20/male.

Probably since I first started becoming interested in the opposite sex I have felt inferior in comparison to most other males.

I hate the body I have been given. I despise how I have turned out, and given that I'm at the age now where I can expect not to change anymore physically, I have felt worse than ever these past few years.

It's one thing not being good looking (I would even say I'm below average looking), but to also be of 'unideal' height for a man, have a childish face and disproportioned body is just a real struggle for me.

I go through so many awful moments where I see a really attractive girl and yet can't even glance at her without a ''you're unworthy'' look right back at me. It kills me inside.

And btw I believe that the popular 'it's personality that's the most attractive aspect to women' theory is bullsh!t.

I get angry at the world and at myself almost every night and drink (often heavily) as a way of expressing my anger and hatred towards my body. I enjoy drinking (alone) too so I guess I see it as, if my body is useless at giving me a normal life and attracting women, then I may as well put it to some use until it expires..

Why are so many people so fortunate? Why did I have to be one of the few who was truly left with nothing?

I am ugly too, it doesn't bother me. I think an encouraging aspect to your post is that you have recognised the fact that you are ugly. The worst part in the process for me was that stage when I was not sure whether or not I was ugly, so I sometimes felt I was not bad looking, only for that feeling to be shot down by the inevitable encounter with the truth. Eventually I accepted that I am ugly which meant that I no longer had my hopes raised and dashed.