When to tell new partner you cannot have kids

Munster_Gal

I think you defo need to say it to him but not sure how you would go about doing it....
While you might not be seeing each other for too long but something like this is quite serious and it's better that you know from the word go... if its a deal breaker then at least you're getting out before you're in too deep!

Best of luck with it x

Sound Bite

Thanks for all your replies.

I should have given more detail. I'm very unlikely to get pregnant and will also have difficulty carrying a child to full term without serious risk to both them and me. If I had just one problem I'd be hopeful but my doc and two consultants who treated me have said given i've both issues my chances are very very low.

I know I need to tell him this but this its still a little early but at same time, leave it much longer and its not really fair either. Strangely enough its never came up in any conversation we've ever had. If he mentioned children, I would tell him then but he hasn't yet

I suppose i'm worried he might leave me and would consider it unfair to do so just because of that. He might leave me becuase i cannot give him children only years later to discover he might have problems of his own or his next partner has problems that are only discovered after some years when they start trying.

I nearly wish I didn't know. Ignorance is bliss

CDfm

OP - I think this is a fairly recent thing for you and as such you may be overanalysing it.

Whats with this giving him children -people have children for their own sake. You even have it mapped out what would happen should you tell him.

Try to enjoy the here and know.

sesna

13 to 13.5 months into the relationship

minidazzler

OP, I was just reading PostSecret there and I came across a message emailed in and I immediately thought of this thread. This is what it read, and I think it is a fair statement for your too.

My doctor recently told me I'll never be able to have kids. I corrected her and said, "You mean I'll never be able give birth". I am proud to say I will adopt one day and it won't make me any less of a mom.

It's quite true IMO.

There are other options.

So inform an SO after a bit of time that you are unable to concieve. But you would be able to have kids, if you so chose.

Bottle_of_Smoke

IzzyWizzy wrote: »

Of course it's anecdotal. The same way that you said 'most' marriages break up over infidelity or infertility.

I'm not sure it is. I read it in Robert Winston's book about IVF.

As for the STD's, that's a totally different matter. That's something that can physically affect the other person. The problem I have with your argument is the term 'potential infertility'. ALL women are potentially infertile.

Okay I said potential infertility, what I should have said was "likely infertility" as indicated by the OP

The STIs you were talking about were undetectable ones based on number of partners . . . therefore *potential*. And also will only *potentially* affect another person if they do catch them.

Should I have to disclose that I *might* not be able to have kids because I have cysts on my ovaries that 1/4 of women have? Should anyone who's ever had chlamydia disclose that they might not be able to have kids? Where is the line? Do you propose fertility testing for every woman and man before marriage? I get what you're saying but I also think it's incredibly harsh.

There you have it - *harsh*, you're arguing based on sympathy for the OP rather than objectivity for the potential heartbreak for a partner.

PCOS may be one of the main causes of infertility but what's important to note is it doesn't cause most women who have it to become infertile. Therefore no not worth mentioning. Chlamydia; well I honestly don't know how likely it is to cause infertility. I think it varies depending on how bad the scarring is. Probably worth a mention one once caught chlamydia without bringing it up as a fertility issue.

Bottle_of_Smoke

CDfm wrote: »

@bottleofsmoke

I know several men and women who don't want or can't have kids and are happy and a few others who could'nt and adopted.Some people are deliberately childfree.

Some years back a couple I know were faced with a dilemma she didn't thought he did and with a fairly nasty illness where a hysterectomy was really the only choice.

The big problem was their relatives and the only person who was supportive of them was her uncle.

I don't really think kids make a relationship and you can have a great lifestyle without them too.

OP I hope it works out for you.

Hey CDfm. I don't deny any of that, just the problem here is we don't know what the guy is feeling, kids *may* be very important to him.

Bottle_of_Smoke

Sound Bite wrote: »

Thanks for all your replies.

I should have given more detail. I'm very unlikely to get pregnant and will also have difficulty carrying a child to full term without serious risk to both them and me. If I had just one problem I'd be hopeful but my doc and two consultants who treated me have said given i've both issues my chances are very very low.

I know I need to tell him this but this its still a little early but at same time, leave it much longer and its not really fair either. Strangely enough its never came up in any conversation we've ever had. If he mentioned children, I would tell him then but he hasn't yet

I suppose i'm worried he might leave me and would consider it unfair to do so just because of that. He might leave me becuase i cannot give him children only years later to discover he might have problems of his own or his next partner has problems that are only discovered after some years when they start trying.

I nearly wish I didn't know. Ignorance is bliss

You poor thing, I really hope I don't sound mean I just think this is something that can't be put off.

I suppose its worth remembering there are things like IVF and surrogate mothers out there if you have viable eggs. Also adoption etc

LegacyUser

OP i think you should tell him. You know yourself how serious the relationship is. Does it seem like one that's going to last, or would you like it to last? IF so, then it's not very fair to leave him in the dark on it.
And OP it's not that you can never have kids.My aunt found out when she started trying for children that they couldn't have any. They tried IVF. Eventually they ended up adopting 2 kids from Russia, and they are now the parents of a 10 yr old boy and a 5 yr old girl, whom the entire family love. Even moreso they have a huge network of new friends that they met while over there adopting, and through support groups for adoptive parents here in Ireland. There are so many people who have done this, even people with their own biological kids, and it's a joy to see them.
I know that's a bit off point, but every door is not closed to you. Best of luck with whatever you decide.

IzzyWizzy

Bottle_of_Smoke wrote: »

The STIs you were talking about were undetectable ones based on number of partners . . . therefore *potential*. And also will only *potentially* affect another person if they do catch them.

You're comparing apples with oranges. And I'm not even sure why I'm entertaining it and not reporting your post, as it's against the charter to drag up issues from other threads.

There you have it - *harsh*, you're arguing based on sympathy for the OP rather than objectivity for the potential heartbreak for a partner.

Isn't it heartbreaking for the OP if the guy leaves her because of this? I'm not sure why you think his rights are more important than hers. You think it's cruel of OP to 'reel the guy in' without telling him she's infertile but isn't it equally cruel to expect OP to tell everyone she's with immediately, knowing there's a good chance they'll think 'this is too much hassle' before getting to know her? I do get your point but I also agree with OP's point - the only difference between her and most infertile women is that she knows about it. The guy could indeed leave her only to find he's infertile himself or his future wife is. I don't think anyone should go into a marriage assuming they'll have biological children. There is no 'fair' in this situation, it's either unfair to the OP to have to tell him now and it's unfair for the partner to be kept in the dark.

prinz

IzzyWizzy wrote: »

Where is the line? Do you propose fertility testing for every woman and man before marriage? I get what you're saying but I also think it's incredibly harsh.

There's the unknown future, and there is what is known in the present. The OP already knows the likelyhood of her having children. It's not ok to keep that from someone on the basis that another person goes into marriage with no prior knowledge.

IzzyWizzy wrote: »

Isn't it heartbreaking for the OP if the guy leaves her because of this? I'm not sure why you think his rights are more important than hers..

Yes it is. However it would be better to have that happen sooner rather than later surely? This is not about who has more rights it's about letting people enter a relationship with all the relevant aspects on the table. Sure, some people may marry and find out later that one or both partners is infertile for whatever reason but that is completely different to someone already knowing. You could use the same argument if you were terminally ill and decided to keep that information from your OH on the basis that we're all going to die sometime/people could contract a terminal illness later anyway.

IzzyWizzy wrote: »

You think it's cruel of OP to 'reel the guy in' without telling him she's infertile but isn't it equally cruel to expect OP to tell everyone she's with immediately, knowing there's a good chance they'll think 'this is too much hassle' before getting to know her?

Unfortunately for the OP that is the future she can expect. It's cruel but unavoidable.

IzzyWizzy wrote: »

There is no 'fair' in this situation, it's either unfair to the OP to have to tell him now and it's unfair for the partner to be kept in the dark.

You're right it's a crappy situation. It's unfair on both. However only one of them has a full grasp of the situation and that is the OP. The onus is on her IMO to make any partner aware of the likelihood as early as possible in a relationship. This could have a massive bearing on the other person's life. If the OP had a terminal illness/contractable disease etc yes it may physically effect the other party, but some men are just as broody for their own kids as some women. It could be a mssive deal for some.

IzzyWizzy

prinz wrote: »

There's the unknown future, and there is what is known in the present. The OP already knows the likelyhood of her having children. It's not ok to keep that from someone on the basis that another person goes into marriage with no prior knowledge.

I'm not saying she should keep it from him forever. I'm saying, why should she have to disclose it at the beginning?

Yes it is. However it would be better to have that happen sooner rather than later surely? This is not about who has more rights it's about letting people enter a relationship with all the relevant aspects on the table. Sure, some people may marry and find out later that one or both partners is infertile for whatever reason but that is completely different to someone already knowing. You could use the same argument if you were terminally ill and decided to keep that information from your OH on the basis that we're all going to die sometime/people could contract a terminal illness later anyway.

I know people who are very ill (not terminal but in a way it greatly affects their quality of life) and they don't always feel they have to tell new partners immediately. I get what you're saying, and personally I am very honest because I'm a very open person, but at the same time, why expect a 'perfect' partner? Many people have issues of some sort - fertility, health, mental health.... if we all went around advertising our issues to potential suitors, none of us would ever get married.

Unfortunately for the OP that is the future she can expect. It's cruel but unavoidable.

I think it's one of those things that's easy to say when you're not in that position, to be honest.

You're right it's a crappy situation. It's unfair on both. However only one of them has a full grasp of the situation and that is the OP. The onus is on her IMO to make any partner aware of the likelihood as early as possible in a relationship. This could have a massive bearing on the other person's life. If the OP had a terminal illness/contractable disease etc yes it may physically effect the other party, but some men are just as broody for their own kids as some women. It could be a mssive deal for some.

I get that. I also get that there ARE options and that people conceive and carry children against the odds all the time. Personally, yes I would tell the person because I can't do secrets, but I don't think it's as black and white as some people think.

prinz

IzzyWizzy wrote: »

I'm not saying she should keep it from him forever. I'm saying, why should she have to disclose it at the beginning?

She met this guy months ago. As she says it's now looking like a longterm thing I am going to hazard a guess and say they've been dating for a good proportion of those months. Hardly the beginning to be fair.

IzzyWizzy wrote: »

why expect a 'perfect' partner?

It's not about being a perfect partner, it's about allowing someone to enter into a relationship with all the facts. Nobody's perfect.

cynder

ASAP, but also my sister in law was told she would never had kids, 5 years after they married she was pregnant and had a boy. Unlikely doesn't mean never there is always a small chance, but you do need to let him know.


Best of luck,

CDfm

OP if you are going to tell him -its not something you just blurt out.I just wonder have you ever discussed contraception choices with him. As if you are discussing it there are ways of bringing it up.

It is something you discuss and it might be something you find difficult to articulate and might be something that you would go to the GP with if there was an issue.

Then thats me and I never would judge a woman by her childbreeding potential. ,however, it only ever seems obligatory on Royalty to produce an heir.

How Strange

CDfm wrote: »

OP if you are going to tell him -its not something you just blurt out.

+1

OP, I agree that you should tell your bf about your potential difficulties having children however you have to balance the need to tell him (for his own sake) with finding the opportune moment.

Surely after a few months together if you just blurt it out without any context then he'll find it a strange kind of confession and may not give the response you'd like.

It is something you have to tell him but wait until the two of you are having a conversation about your relationship and the future and then explain it to him.

CDfm

How Strange wrote: »

+1

It is something you have to tell him but wait until the two of you are having a conversation about your relationship and the future and then explain it to him.

I totally agree and you pick your moment.

Its a bit like a politician saying " I smoked but I didnt inhale" you have to balance your intuition against his need to know.

I was with my girlfriend about 6 months before I confided with her about I item that made me a little vulnerable. Like,you are neither dying, have a contagious disease or escaped from an institution. You can probably rattle of a list of a dozen people straight away that are in a worse situation to you.

Its not like you need to "give up yer old sins here" this is a need to know situation. Now you have fallen for him and as you say its just a few months - so maybe you need to take it slow and say something like well if we havent discussed it like in 6 or 7 months and the relationship is otherwise going well and the signs are good then ethically I have an obligation to raise the issue.

How would you feel about that?

Sound Bite

OP here. Told him shortly after posting second time as he asked me to move in with him. He was ok with it at first...did I really think he was that shallow?/It didn't change he feelings for me/we wouldn't need children to be happy etc. Then 4 days later changed his mind completely. Said he's always saw himself as a father at some stage and the more he thought about it the more he realised he couldn't pretend it wasn't an issue.

Was very nice about it, can stay friends, keep reasons for break up private, upset too and I could tell he felt like a **** for hurting me. All very civil at first, a few calls, text messages etc.

But now I've changed from upset to angry. Not answering his calls etc.

My conditions is not caused because of something I've done and I couldn't have prevented it from happening.

Anyway few Qs:

1. Do I have a right to be angry with him? I suspect not but can't help the way i feel.

2. Would you date/stay with someone in a similar situation? Be honest. Don't say yes just cause you feel sorry for me or some other reason.

3. Will this keep happening? Not looking for a new relationship and probably won't be for a long time but am I in a situation where I'll end up hurt again and again....Don't exactly know how you can look for infertile men only!

dixiefly

Hi, sorry to hear about the situation. I am a guy and I do think you were right to tell him.

I am a father and am delighted with & love the kids but cannot honestly say what my reaction would have been in that situation. it really depends on the relationship overall.

Also, I can understand you beng angry, both at the situation and also a little at him for not wanting to stay around after being told this. You never know he may think this through again and realise that this isnt as much of an issue in the bigger picture of his relationship with you. He may need time as it was obviously a big shock to him.

I am assuming that the prognosis is pretty bleak and that there is v little chance of having a child.

Regarding whether this could happen again I suppose noone could answer that unless you met up with someone that you knew didnt want kids (or already had kids from a previous relationship but tha could bring its own complications). As I said above that its the whole package with someone so a breakup could happen due to several factors and this, as you have found out, is one of them,

Best of luck.

Ever2010

sorry to hear that OP, you can be angry at him all you want but at least he did think about it properly and was honest.

There are plenty of men out there who don't want kids (my own included!) and some men who will work with you to see how you can have kids (adoption etc) so I wouldn't take it that every man will reject you because of this.

prinz

Sound Bite wrote: »

1. Do I have a right to be angry with him? I suspect not but can't help the way i feel.

Did he treat you in any way badly? Are you angry at the situation itelf or him in particular? If it's the whole scenario... that's natural. If it's this guy in particular then did he give you any reason to be angry at him really?

Sound Bite wrote: »

2. Would you date/stay with someone in a similar situation? Be honest. Don't say yes just cause you feel sorry for me or some other reason.

I was put in a similar situation. I didn't stay. It would have been unfair on both of us to continue the relationship. She knew what she wanted (or in this case never wanted -kids) and I knew what I wanted, kids, marriage, family etc. That was it. We ended it straight away. There ws no point in continuing from my perspective nor from hers.

Sound Bite wrote: »

3. Will this keep happening? Not looking for a new relationship and probably won't be for a long time but am I in a situation where I'll end up hurt again and again....Don't exactly know how you can look for infertile men only!

No! There are plenty of guys out there who have no interest in having kids of their own etc. It might be harder to sort them out but they do exist.

CDfm

OP -you cant live on what ifs.

i think you have been very fair and I know a few couple who cant have kids .

As for not getting into a new relationship well there are lots of men who dont want children or are very ambivalent about them. More than you would think.

So my take on it for you is that you should get out there and start socialising. Put yourself in the zone with women who say they dont want kids as many say that when they cant have them.

You are the same person you were pre-diagnosis and sound very caring to me.There are lots of good guys out there who would love to meet someone like you.

bronte

That's sad op, but I think it's a case of being angry at the situation not at him. This isn't your fault or his.
My last break up was because he wanted marriage/kids etc and at that point in my life it wasn't going to happen.
I broke up with him because it didn't make sense to stay together.
I remember being angry at the situation, but not at him.
I think that's normal.

There are a LOT of guys out there who don't want to be parents.
As someone else mentioned it might be an idea to say you don't want kids.
I would be as upfront as possible from the beginning though.

It may take more time but I'm sure you'll find your prince.

BettePorter

op you seem to have it ingrained in your head now that being unable to have kids is the 'deal breaker' in this and every relationship you may have in the future. it's not. it s just one of the many facets that make a relationship. i'm still of the opinion that you told him too soon. two /three/four months is not long enough to have a strong enough connection to warrant such a discussion. if you look at it another way, if your sister came to you and said she was marrying the guy she met four months ago you would say ' it's too soon, sure you barely know him', regardless of how well they got on . likewise why limit your entire relationship prospects to that one issue 3 months into a relationship. give ppl a chance to love you for you, not have preconceptions of your long term contribution to the relationship.
you can't have kids......it's a condition......you didn't go out and get sterilised while you were dating. you're beating yourself up as some kind of damaged goods, who may meet the perfect guy but instead of allowing him to fall in love with every other facet of your personality first, you prefice every meeting with,' hi my name is xxxx , thanks for the drink but i should mention i can't have kids'.

there are enough kids in the world needing saving and enough ppl in the world needing love....why think that just cause you can't produce one, means you have to sabotage your chances of finding the other.

CathyMoran

OP, I am so sorry for you - all that I can say is that not all men are like that. I needed a course of treatment urgently a few years ago that would mean that it would be unlikely that I could have children - delaying treatment (to have my eggs frozen) would increase my likelyhood of the treatment not working. My then fiancee not only encouraged me to get the treatment but nursed me during and afterwards - we had a tough journey but we now have an 8 week old son.

billybigunz

It's none of his business. Your obligations to him are as a partner not a babymaking machine.

vicecreamsundae

hi OP.
in my opinion, whether you have the ability to get pregant or not, is not that important. plenty of people can't and there are ways around it. i think if two people were in love and broke up because one of them was infertile, that would be extremely shallow.

what's more important is whether you WANT children. if you feel strongly one way or another, then yes, you should probably mention it to your partner. there are ways around natural pregnancy, and not being able to get pregnant no longer means you won't raise a family, it just involves more work. if you actually don't want children, and your partner thinks he might, then it's a fair enough reason to break up, and i guess he deserves to know. but if you think you want children in the future and your partner does too, then it should not be a dealbreaker... and if it is, then screw him.

but i do think you should tell him, because if its not a dealbreaker, then no harm, and if it is a dealbreaker, then you're better off not wasting YOUR time.
ultimately, someone should be with you because they love you, not because of your duty to provide them a child.