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When to tell new partner you cannot have kids

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  • 08-05-2010 12:14am
    #1
    Sound Bite
    Closed Accounts Posts: 788 ✭✭✭


    Hi all

    About 2 years ago i found out i am unlikely to have any children. A few months ago I met someone special and looks like it will be a longterm relationship.

    When should i let him about my situation?
    Is it a dealbreaker for some?
    Any thoughts or experience being either side of this situation?

    I'm nearly 30 btw


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    #2
    Stu
    Closed Accounts Posts: 249 ✭✭Stu


    Yes, you need to tell him. Its only fair especially if its getting serious and he wants kids. Come on now, you shouldn't need to be asking for advise on this. You know what the right thing to do is.


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    #3
    C_J
    Closed Accounts Posts: 32 ✭C_J


    OP, I'm sorry to hear that. It might be a bit soon to bring up a baby conversation since you've only known each other a few months but tbh, I'd still mention it to him calmly. At least this way, if it is a dealbreaker for him, you won't be three years down the line and in too deep.

    Hope it works out for ye!


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    #4
    Bottle_of_Smoke
    Registered Users Posts: 9,770 ✭✭✭Bottle_of_Smoke


    Have to tell him now.

    Would be a horrible thing to do to let him fall in love with you in ignorant bliss. You wouldn't be forgiven for that, if he stayed with you there'd be smouldering resentment forever.

    I sympathise with you and it must have been hard to hear but the only way you'll have a happy honest love life is getting with someone who doesn't want kids or is happy to adopt/IVF etc


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    #5
    newtoboards
    Registered Users Posts: 418 ✭✭newtoboards


    Sound Bite wrote: »
    About 2 years ago i found out i am unlikely to have any children.
    There's no certainty with your post. You are unlikely to get pregnant but how unlikely? Will you need medical intervention to help have a baby? As I don't know what's wrong that you won't have kids I have to go on what you've said. You won't know definitively until you start trying. If I were you i'd get blood tests done regularly with your doctor to check your hormone levels. I would talk to your boyfriend about whatever tests you had done before but do so in the context of I'm going back to get my bloods done again so it's not we'll be having babies soon. It'll just be I have this problem and I'm getting it checked.


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    #6
    mood
    Registered Users Posts: 4,264 ✭✭✭mood


    Tell him now so IF it is a deal breaker you can both walk away without being too hurt. Maybe he would be ok with adopting IF you end up together long term.

    I know someone who was told they wouldn't have kids and now have one (and lost one for different reasons). Both were conceived naturally.


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    #7
    BettePorter
    Registered Users Posts: 2,257 ✭✭✭BettePorter


    no no no no no........you've only known him a few (2 ????) months. who knows anyone in this short time ? so why give them an elephant in the room to block out any natural progression that a 'normal' courtship (for want of a better word) might take. i had a friend in the same position and it is of course an issue when she begins dating someone new. but a few months in is not enough time. there is obviously a point when it is too late.............but you certainly aren't there yet ! give your relationship a chance to develop before you load on the baggage that may not ever be an issue anyway.


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    #8
    Ever2010
    Registered Users Posts: 166 ✭✭Ever2010


    Talk about it soon - my other half has never wanted kids, he told me after a week or two of us being together. At least it gave me the option not to take things further if it was a deal-breaker for me.


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    #9
    Ickle Magoo
    Closed Accounts Posts: 17,485 ✭✭✭✭Ickle Magoo


    Hey OP,

    You've only known him a couple of months, I don't think it's necessary to say anything yet. Why not wait until the inevitable "kids" talk comes up and mention it then? I don't think you should be specifically telling him any potential issues you may have conceiving until you think it may be relevant to your relationship otherwise you risk him thinking either you are getting very serious very soon or offending him if he's not the kind of guy that would be put off by potential fertility issues.

    Best of luck.


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    #10
    iguana
    Moderators, Entertainment Moderators Posts: 12,915 Mod ✭✭✭✭iguana


    Sorry but I think you need to tell this person right away. It's not fair to let somebody fall in love with you while you are keeping this information from them. I think I would stay with somebody who knew they could probably not have children, but if they had kept that from me and not allowed me to make my mind up I would resent that and it would sour or relationship.


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    #11
    Bottle_of_Smoke
    Registered Users Posts: 9,770 ✭✭✭Bottle_of_Smoke


    BettePorter wrote: »
    no no no no no........you've only known him a few (2 ????) months. who knows anyone in this short time ? so why give them an elephant in the room to block out any natural progression that a 'normal' courtship (for want of a better word) might take. i had a friend in the same position and it is of course an issue when she begins dating someone new. but a few months in is not enough time. there is obviously a point when it is too late.............but you certainly aren't there yet ! give your relationship a chance to develop before you load on the baggage that may not ever be an issue anyway.

    The timefreame doesn't matter much, its the status of the relationship. If they were having a few dates with casual sex it would be fine but read this part:
    soundbite wrote:
    looks like it will be a longterm relationship.

    Its obviously serious, he needs to know now or the relationship is based on nothing but lies by omission.
    icklemagoo wrote:
    You've only known him a couple of months, I don't think it's necessary to say anything yet. Why not wait until the inevitable "kids" talk comes up and mention it then? I don't think you should be specifically telling him any potential issues you may have conceiving until you think it may be relevant to your relationship otherwise you risk him thinking either you are getting very serious very soon or offending him if he's not the kind of guy that would be put off by potential fertility issues.

    Its a very genuine concern relevant to the vast vast majority of people. As above she mentioned its looking like its going to be a long term relationship, how is that not very serious? What kind of guy is going to be offended by "you deserve to know its likely I won't be able to have children"?


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    #12
    Ickle Magoo
    Closed Accounts Posts: 17,485 ✭✭✭✭Ickle Magoo


    Bottle_of_Smoke wrote: »
    Its a very genuine concern relevant to the vast vast majority of people. As above she mentioned its looking like its going to be a long term relationship, how is that not very serious? What kind of guy is going to be offended by "you deserve to know its likely I won't be able to have children"?

    Because they've only been going out for a few months and she feels like she has to tell him to give him the oportunity to bail.

    Every long term relationship I've ever been in, kids have come up in discussion at some stage, long before moving in or taking the relationship to any serious level beyond regular dating bf/gf has been reached. If it's weighing on the OP's mind then of course she should say something asap but I think the topic comes up fairly quickly between committed couples anyway, ime there just isn't any need to get heavy and start issuing fertility warnings after a few months together if kids aren't necessarily on his mind.


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    #13
    sambuka41
    Registered Users Posts: 1,083 ✭✭✭sambuka41


    There is always the possibility that if this man loves her that he wont care about the fact that she cant have kids naturally. Kids aren't that important for everyone. He might not care or if he does he might love her more. Love and long term commitment is,at times,about sacrifice and compromise, sometimes this can be seen from the start other times it comes up as the relationship goes along.

    I would agree that the conversation will probably come up before the serious commitment does. Esp for someone at 30, a lot of friends are probably getting married or having kids so the conversation will come about naturally in time. There is this view of women reaching "a certain age" and it being expected that marriage and babies are all thats on the mind so I wouldn't like my new fella to think that this was the case. :p


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    #14
    [-0-]
    Closed Accounts Posts: 3,981 ✭✭✭[-0-]


    If he has a problem with it then he doesn't deserve you. Tell him whenever you feel comfortable in doing so.


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    #15
    IzzyWizzy
    Registered Users Posts: 6,645 ✭✭✭IzzyWizzy


    I don't necessarily agree that you have to tell him. At the end of the day, nobody knows how fertile they are until they try to conceive. I've been dealing with this topic as well, as I *might* have some issues getting pregnant but then again I might not. It seems like a raw deal for me to have to 'warn' men that it might not happen when so many people have the same issues as me and just don't know about it. I suppose it depends on exactly how likely they think it is that you won't have children, but honestly, I've known SO many people who were told they were 100% definitely infertile and went on to have 3 or 4 kids without any sort of intervention. I've also known many people who only found out they were infertile after years of trying. I don't think this is as black and white as people think.


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    #16
    Bottle_of_Smoke
    Registered Users Posts: 9,770 ✭✭✭Bottle_of_Smoke


    Ickle Magoo wrote: »
    Because they've only been going out for a few months and she feels like she has to tell him to give him the oportunity to bail.

    Every long term relationship I've ever been in, kids have come up in discussion at some stage, long before moving in or taking the relationship to any serious level beyond regular dating bf/gf has been reached. If it's weighing on the OP's mind then of course she should say something asap but I think the topic comes up fairly quickly between committed couples anyway, ime there just isn't any need to get heavy and start issuing fertility warnings after a few months together if kids aren't necessarily on his mind.

    He's a human being. He's biologically programmed to be thinking about kids on some level. If she's posting a thread in PI about this it is obviously weighing on her mind.

    [quote=[-0-]]If he has a problem with it then he doesn't deserve you. Tell him whenever you feel comfortable in doing so.[/quote]

    If you actually believed that one would think you'd be advising her to tell him asap
    IzzyWizzy wrote:
    I don't necessarily agree that you have to tell him. At the end of the day, nobody knows how fertile they are until they try to conceive. I've been dealing with this topic as well, as I *might* have some issues getting pregnant but then again I might not. It seems like a raw deal for me to have to 'warn' men that it might not happen when so many people have the same issues as me and just don't know about it.

    Sounds like a cop-out to me. You say "raw deal" but lets be honest there's no such thing as a raw deal when you're risking putting someone else in a potential raw deal situation.
    I suppose it depends on exactly how likely they think it is that you won't have children, but honestly, I've known SO many people who were told they were 100% definitely infertile and went on to have 3 or 4 kids without any sort of intervention. I've also known many people who only found out they were infertile after years of trying. I don't think this is as black and white as people think.

    The way the OP put it sounds likes its worth a mention to me. I seriously doubt those people were told they were 100% infertile. Not calling you a liar, I'd say they're exaggerating what they were told by their doctors.

    For what its worth I don't think your situation warrants a mention as much as the OP


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    #17
    Ickle Magoo
    Closed Accounts Posts: 17,485 ✭✭✭✭Ickle Magoo


    Bottle_of_Smoke wrote: »
    He's a human being. He's biologically programmed to be thinking about kids on some level. If she's posting a thread in PI about this it is obviously weighing on her mind.

    Not necessarily, and certainly not necessarily thinking about kids after only a few months. As I say, if relationships change from regular dating to getting really serious then the "do you want kids", "how many", "church Vs registry", etc, etc all comes out along the way. If it is weighing on the OPs mind then of course she should she should say something, that's a no brainer, I just think the idea of telling a partner about potential fertility issues after only a couple of months together & he hasn't suggested kiddies is making a bigger deal of things than it has to be and if she'd rather not say anything yet then I think she has no obligation to.


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    #18
    Bottle_of_Smoke
    Registered Users Posts: 9,770 ✭✭✭Bottle_of_Smoke


    Ickle Magoo wrote: »
    Not necessarily, and certainly not necessarily thinking about kids after only a few months. As I say, if relationships change from regular dating to getting really serious then the "do you want kids", "how many", "church Vs registry", etc, etc all comes out along the way. If it is weighing on the OPs mind then of course she should she should say something, that's a no brainer, I just think the idea of telling a partner about potential fertility issues after only a couple of months together & he hasn't suggested kiddies is making a bigger deal of things than it has to be and if she'd rather not say anything yet then I think she has no obligation to.

    She said "met someone special and looks like will be a long erm relationship" - timeframes irrelevent, at this point he should know.

    I don't know how I'd react if a girl told me she was likely infertile. I'm only 25 so not sure. What I do know is if I was told after I was in love with her I would be seriously pissed off and end it over not telling me in itself.

    Most marriages break up over infertility or infidelity. I don't think you're accepting its as big a deal as it is.


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    #19
    CDfm
    Closed Accounts Posts: 20,649 ✭✭✭✭CDfm


    For some people kids are a big deal and others they are not.

    I have 2 kids but it probably not have bothered me if I never had children but having them was a serious business.

    This is what I think. If it is early in your relationship and the subject of kids has not arisen I would not raise it. Simply because its early days.

    If on the other hand you and the guy are serious and making plans and his are based on having a houseful of kids then it would not be ethical of you not to tell him.

    So in my view the discussion will come around in its own time and, if you are making big decisions together like getting engaged,moving in together etc then it is appropriate to discuss it.

    For now you are being presumptive as you dont know how he feels.

    Enjoy what you have for now and see how it pans out.


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    #20
    Bottle_of_Smoke
    Registered Users Posts: 9,770 ✭✭✭Bottle_of_Smoke


    CDfm wrote: »

    This is what I think. If it is early in your relationship and the subject of kids has not arisen I would not raise it. Simply because its early days.

    If on the other hand you and the guy are serious and making plans and his are based on having a houseful of kids then it would not be ethical of you not to tell him.

    So in my view the discussion will come around in its own time and, if you are making big decisions together like getting engaged,moving in together etc then it is appropriate to discuss it.

    Oh come on by those stages its too late. If having kids are important to him(which is likely considering his genes have made it this far) he's going to have his heart torn between the woman he loves and having children. That's a pretty sh*tty position to put someone in.

    Is everyone overlooking the fact the OP said "I met someone special and looks like it will be a longterm relationship." ?

    For now you are being presumptive as you dont know how he feels.

    Enjoy what you have for now and see how it pans out.

    As above and it is reasonable to be presumptive about something like this. If the question was "when to tell new partner I used to be a man?" or "when to tell partner I might have huntingtons disease?" would you be saying she was being presumptive for thinking he might have issue with that?

    So what's the worst that can happen if she simply explains she feels he should know? If she tells him now he'll either not care, decide to leave or else make an informed decision to stay, therefore no future resentment.

    If she waits a while until he's head over heels he'll either leave and they both go through even worse agony or he'll stay because of love and maybe leave her in a few years/stay forever with smouldering resentment or he'll not care but possibly think less of her for not mentioning it earlier

    What I think is really going on here is that posters are sympathising with the girl because she's unlikely to have kids. You're thinking "its not fair she can't be with anyone she wants over something bad that's happened to her, if he falls in love he might just stay with her anyway" - Well its not fair to allow someone to fall in love without full information on important relevent issues. It might work out but its certainly an immoral thing to do.


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    #21
    IzzyWizzy
    Registered Users Posts: 6,645 ✭✭✭IzzyWizzy


    Bottle_of_Smoke wrote: »
    Sounds like a cop-out to me. You say "raw deal" but lets be honest there's no such thing as a raw deal when you're risking putting someone else in a potential raw deal situation.

    Well, it's a question of whose rights are more important. Nobody wins.
    The way the OP put it sounds likes its worth a mention to me. I seriously doubt those people were told they were 100% infertile. Not calling you a liar, I'd say they're exaggerating what they were told by their doctors.

    For what its worth I don't think your situation warrants a mention as much as the OP

    They were. My aunt was told her tubes were blocked and there was no way she'd ever get pregnant. She married at 22 and tried for a baby for 10 years, falling pregnant with her first at 32 and going on to have 4 more. My cousin's husband was told he was sterile, my cousin was told she would find it very difficult to conceive due to PCOS and they had a baby last year. These things are rarely that black and white. LOTS of women are told it'll be difficult for them to have kids, only to fall pregnant right away. LOTS of women assume everything is right as rain only to find out once they start trying that they have issues. I don't know why it is that the OP can't have kids as she hasn't said why, but she hasn't said it's impossible for her. Nobody should take being able to have kids for granted, IMO.


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    #22
    Ickle Magoo
    Closed Accounts Posts: 17,485 ✭✭✭✭Ickle Magoo


    Bottle_of_Smoke wrote: »
    What I think is really going on here is that posters are sympathising with the girl because she's unlikely to have kids. You're thinking "its not fair she can't be with anyone she wants over something bad that's happened to her, if he falls in love he might just stay with her anyway" - Well its not fair to allow someone to fall in love without full information on important relevent issues. It might work out but its certainly an immoral thing to do.

    No, what's happening is I'm thinking of all the relationships I've had that lasted a few months, that looked like becoming really serious and children didn't materialise. I'm granting the OP the intelligence to know when things are approaching the stage that it's not just a serious relationship but kids are a real posibility.


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    #23
    Bottle_of_Smoke
    Registered Users Posts: 9,770 ✭✭✭Bottle_of_Smoke


    Ickle Magoo wrote: »
    No, what's happening is I'm thinking of all the relationships I've had that lasted a few months, that looked like becoming really serious and children didn't materialise. I'm granting the OP the intelligence to know when things are approaching the stage that it's not just a serious relationship but kids are a real posibility.

    Right. I'm saying by waiting to tell him at that stage she's putting him in a really awful heartbreaking position. Which I don't think any reasonable person would disagree with.

    That awful heartbreaking position is why she should tell him now.


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    #24
    Ickle Magoo
    Closed Accounts Posts: 17,485 ✭✭✭✭Ickle Magoo


    Not heartbreaking - there are no guarantees that people can have children, there are no guarantees that people we date even want children, we don't announce it when we ask someone out. That's why most people have the old "do you want kids", "do you ever see yourself getting married", etc kind of discussion. Relationships don't just jump from dating to trying for kids overnight, or over a few months for that matter. I think the OP will know better than any of us when it's the right time for herself and her bf to have that discussion. :cool:


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    #25
    Bottle_of_Smoke
    Registered Users Posts: 9,770 ✭✭✭Bottle_of_Smoke


    IzzyWizzy wrote: »
    Well, it's a question of whose rights are more important. Nobody wins.



    They were. My aunt was told her tubes were blocked and there was no way she'd ever get pregnant. She married at 22 and tried for a baby for 10 years, falling pregnant with her first at 32 and going on to have 4 more. My cousin's husband was told he was sterile, my cousin was told she would find it very difficult to conceive due to PCOS and they had a baby last year. These things are rarely that black and white. LOTS of women are told it'll be difficult for them to have kids, only to fall pregnant right away. LOTS of women assume everything is right as rain only to find out once they start trying that they have issues. I don't know why it is that the OP can't have kids as she hasn't said why, but she hasn't said it's impossible for her. Nobody should take being able to have kids for granted, IMO.

    Putting LOTS in capital letters doesn't mean its true. You're just sounding off anecdotal evidence which you can't be sure you know the full truth about. Weren't you the same poster who argued a person has the right to know about their partner's sexual history incase of untestable stds? Don't know how you can believe that but also think its ok not to discuss potential infertility.


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    #26
    prinz
    Registered Users Posts: 14,598 ✭✭✭✭prinz


    One of my ex's told me very, very early on that she neither wanted, nor could have kids. It was one of the best things anyone has ever done for me tbh and I know how hard it was for her to tell me. We ended it and we have remained great friends since. It just wouldn't have worked long term and both of us knew it.


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    #27
    Bottle_of_Smoke
    Registered Users Posts: 9,770 ✭✭✭Bottle_of_Smoke


    Ickle Magoo wrote: »
    Not heartbreaking - there are no guarantees that people can have children, there are no guarantees that people we date even want children, we don't announce it when we ask someone out. That's why most people have the old "do you want kids", "do you ever see yourself getting married", etc kind of discussion. Relationships don't just jump from dating to trying for kids overnight, or over a few months for that matter.

    I'm not saying he'll want to have kids immediately, but he might in a few years. It would be heartbreaking if you wanted kids but at the same time loved the person. The vast majority of people can have kids. Hence species surviving.
    I think the OP will know better than any of us when it's the right time for herself and her bf to have that discussion. :cool:

    She started the thread for advice on that.


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    #28
    Ickle Magoo
    Closed Accounts Posts: 17,485 ✭✭✭✭Ickle Magoo


    I mean she'll know when the time is right to share as part of a couple discussion, at the moment I think she's asking if she should be making a general announcement.

    It would be heartbreaking if she never told him and carried on a relationship for years without saying anything - but then that's hardly what anyone is suggesting. If the relationship is getting serious then within the next few months the topic will come up as they probe each others wishes and expectations for the future anyway, I don't think anyone makes presumptions and assumptions about their other half before having that "chat".


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    #29
    CDfm
    Closed Accounts Posts: 20,649 ✭✭✭✭CDfm


    @bottleofsmoke

    I know several men and women who don't want or can't have kids and are happy and a few others who could'nt and adopted.Some people are deliberately childfree.

    Some years back a couple I know were faced with a dilemma she didn't thought he did and with a fairly nasty illness where a hysterectomy was really the only choice.

    The big problem was their relatives and the only person who was supportive of them was her uncle.

    I don't really think kids make a relationship and you can have a great lifestyle without them too.

    OP I hope it works out for you.


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    #30
    IzzyWizzy
    Registered Users Posts: 6,645 ✭✭✭IzzyWizzy


    Bottle_of_Smoke wrote: »
    Putting LOTS in capital letters doesn't mean its true. You're just sounding off anecdotal evidence which you can't be sure you know the full truth about. Weren't you the same poster who argued a person has the right to know about their partner's sexual history incase of untestable stds? Don't know how you can believe that but also think its ok not to discuss potential infertility.

    Of course it's anecdotal. The same way that you said 'most' marriages break up over infidelity or infertility. As for the STD's, that's a totally different matter. That's something that can physically affect the other person. The problem I have with your argument is the term 'potential infertility'. ALL women are potentially infertile. Should I have to disclose that I *might* not be able to have kids because I have cysts on my ovaries that 1/4 of women have? Should anyone who's ever had chlamydia disclose that they might not be able to have kids? Where is the line? Do you propose fertility testing for every woman and man before marriage? I get what you're saying but I also think it's incredibly harsh.


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    #31
    implausible
    Registered Users Posts: 3,937 ✭✭✭implausible


    OP, I think you need to get more information on your chances of having kids. You may have been told by one doctor that it's unlikely, but other doctors may differ. There is also IVF, if it comes to it.

    I think you should tell him as this is obviously weighing on your mind and is something that you think about. A relationship needs to be built on honesty and it's better to lay your cards on the table now than in the future, when it could be devastating. However, it doesn't need to be told necessarily as a deal-breaker or part of a big serious conversation about the future. It is a medical problem and it might be easier to address it as such, especially if you're concerned about it looking like you're jumping too far ahead.

    Every relationship has its awkward conversations. Good luck with yours OP, you might be pleasantly surprised.


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