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Are we making it difficult for ourselves

  • 25-04-2010 10:24pm
    #1
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 20


    I was out last night with friends in a bar and even though we had a bit of laugh, a good night, I went home in a somber mood. At the end of the night the subject of men cameup when at that time of the night blokes start rockin up to you who are locked off their heads taking crap, just the usual!

    Stories were swapped, opinions given and they were just all such sad one's that I found it depressing! Talking about break up's, my own included, to how hard it is to meet people, men you've had a few great dates with and then just dissapear off the face of the earth, people you want but who are unattainable,

    I just thought is there any happy stories out there at all or is this the way things are now!. Are there more woman out there telling sad stories of being unfairly treated and who just wind up sitting in bars giving out about men to their girlfriends. It's kinda sad and makes me feel we're all just creating a breeding ground for negativity on this subject. They say it's hard to meet people out there, are we making it difficult for ourselves because of our attitudes! Maybe we've become too cynical from our own bad experiences and then find it hard to be at all positive & open.

    This does apply to men too as I've had conversations with good male friends, some whom are in relationships others who are not and they've all said to me at various times a lot of men are frightened today to approach women and need to get tanked first to make any attempt of contact!!

    Which makes me think are we just making it hard for ourselves?, taking something that once used to be simple and now it's difficult because we've made it that way with our attitudes. Pop culture, social changes etc do have a hand in it. A lot of people aren't looking for commitment nowadays but for the one's that are I just sometimes wonder do we limit ourselves.

    I spoke to another female friend of mine last night while this was going on and she said she wouldn't approach a bloke in a bar, I just felt why not! It's 2010, why can't a woman talk to a man first, I think the rulebook has well and truly been thrown out the window at this stage so why are some of us, not all of us still waiting for a man to approach us. I've posted this thread just to see is it just me that feels this way and also if you have any nice stories of people meeting recently and it working out! I just feel there's too much negativity when it comes down to it!


«1

Comments

  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 34,788 ✭✭✭✭krudler


    From a male perspective, theres only so many times you can try talk to a girl without being either rejected or treated like a drunk letch before you stop bothering. Myself and the missus were talking about this very thing just today, two of her friends are boyfriendless, and whinge about it all the time, yet she was out with one of them last night and a guy tried talking to her and she was having none of it, afterwards she told my gf she thought he was cute! wtf why not just talk to him then? I agree more women should approach men.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 37,214 ✭✭✭✭Dudess


    I think a lot of women DO put pressure on themselves - to have the man, the wedding ring, the house, the career, and so on... not necessarily even for themselves, but for those who expect them to.

    If people were a bit more "que sera sera" and accepted the good things in their lives (and worked on the bad things as best they can - get support if necessary) they might spare themselves some unhappiness.

    Of course e.g. wanting to be in a relationship is completely normal, but wanting to be in a relationship because you feel you should be in one is just unnecessary pressure to put yourself under.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 5,883 ✭✭✭shellyboo


    We absolutely make it hard for ourselves. I think a lot of women are so terrified to be open with a guy in case he messes her around - whether in a one-night stand or long term - that we shoot ourselves in the foot and don't take the opportunities that are presented to us.

    As far as I'm concerned, if you don't let a guy know you're interested, he has no reason to put himself out there and take the risk of chatting you up/asking you out.

    At the end of the day, the worst thing that can happen (if you're smart, safe and confident) is that you end up single again... So there's nothing to lose by being open and encouraging.

    In my relationship, I had an inkling that the boy liked me; but I wasn't sure... So I took some risks (invited him over to my house, made the first move) and it turned out he did like me, but wasn't confident enough to try to "catch" me. I am so, so, incredibly glad I had the self-confidence to go for what I wanted, because he treats me better than anyone I've ever been with and I love him to bits :)


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 34,788 ✭✭✭✭krudler


    The timescale thing is something most girls I know around the same age (24-28) have, as in have to be engaged by 26, married before 30, kids before 33, or some variation of, now fair enough womens biological clocks are a lot more stringent than men, but this idea that you have to have all this stuff by a certain time is a bit silly, whos to say you wont meet the man you'll marry when you're 35? and have kids a year later? in my experience having a plan for life by certain ages only leads to disappointment, nothing wrong with setting goals at all, but to convince yourself you'll have the dream life by the time you hit 30 is just asking for trouble as it may not happen.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 14,404 ✭✭✭✭Pembily


    krudler wrote: »
    engaged by 26,

    I am fecked so, I am 26, just out of a 4 year relastionship and want at least a 2 year break - oh I will be a single spinster :rolleyes:

    Women defo make it hard, we expect guys to make all the moves, and yet alot of the time, like above, are very snobby to the guys that do try!!!!

    When I was out with my ex his friends (cute ones) would try chat to some women and oh my god my heart would sink with how bitchy the responses or the looks would be - is it that hard to be nice??

    If you are interested in a guy he may have met 4 bitches that night and is thinking "no way am I going to put myself out for rejection AGAIN!!!", so make a move on him!!! Nothing ventured nothing gained :D


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  • Closed Accounts Posts: 95 ✭✭mollymascara


    Pembily wrote: »
    I am fecked so, I am 26, just out of a 4 year relastionship and want at least a 2 year break - oh I will be a single spinster :rolleyes:

    Women defo make it hard, we expect guys to make all the moves, and yet alot of the time, like above, are very snobby to the guys that do try!!!!

    When I was out with my ex his friends (cute ones) would try chat to some women and oh my god my heart would sink with how bitchy the responses or the looks would be - is it that hard to be nice??

    If you are interested in a guy he may have met 4 bitches that night and is thinking "no way am I going to put myself out for rejection AGAIN!!!", so make a move on him!!! Nothing ventured nothing gained :D

    Here Here!! :D


  • Moderators, Sports Moderators Posts: 20,366 Mod ✭✭✭✭RacoonQueen


    This comes up all the time in various forums on here. Yes, us Irish women are unapproachable and cold...and when we are approached we practically tell them to **** off. Poor men can't win.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 20 ghostdog1


    shellyboo wrote: »
    We absolutely make it hard for ourselves. I think a lot of women are so terrified to be open with a guy in case he messes her around - whether in a one-night stand or long term - that we shoot ourselves in the foot and don't take the opportunities that are presented to us.

    As far as I'm concerned, if you don't let a guy know you're interested, he has no reason to put himself out there and take the risk of chatting you up/asking you out.

    At the end of the day, the worst thing that can happen (if you're smart, safe and confident) is that you end up single again... So there's nothing to lose by being open and encouraging.

    In my relationship, I had an inkling that the boy liked me; but I wasn't sure... So I took some risks (invited him over to my house, made the first move) and it turned out he did like me, but wasn't confident enough to try to "catch" me. I am so, so, incredibly glad I had the self-confidence to go for what I wanted, because he treats me better than anyone I've ever been with and I love him to bits :)


    It's really refreshing to hear all this,nice to know I'm not the only one who thinks along these lines, the world hasn't gone totally cynical!:)


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 3,802 ✭✭✭beks101


    krudler wrote: »
    have to be engaged by 26, married before 30, kids before 33,

    Christ on a bike, engaged by 26?? Honestly, do you know many girls who are engaged at this age? I'm 25 and by all accounts still a baby! Single, but even if I was in a relationship, marriage, kids et al would be way way down the line, most of my friends would be the same.

    Anyway I digress. We sure do make it hard on ourselves. Sometimes I wonder if this seeming resentment between the sexes (as vividly apparent on a night out especially) is inherently an Irish thing. Women make it hard on men to approach, but won't approach themselves and then complain about guys not approaching...men either face a few rejections and tar us all under the same 'stuck-up b1tch' brush or don't approach at all & then bitch about how 'nice guys' always come last...and the cycle continues.

    All the significant relationships I've had have happened abroad with foreign men (US, UK and Canada) and in all cases there was a far greater ease in approach - all my exes were upfront, confident and didn't make a big song and dance of asking me out. I think confidence has a fundamental role to play in this too.

    Anyway wish I had a positive story to contribute, but I'm still waiting for mine! :pac:


  • Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 60,217 Mod ✭✭✭✭Wibbs


    beks101 wrote: »
    All the significant relationships I've had have happened abroad with foreign men (US, UK and Canada) and in all cases there was a far greater ease in approach
    Ditto, though speaking as a straight bloke, American men werent really on my radar(though I would advise the gay blokes reading to follow beks lead :D).

    Like Ive said before, Irish men are grand. Irish women? equally so, but Irish men and women together? We both often do so much better if we look elsewhere. Good for the genepool as a bonus :D.

    Rejoice in the awareness of feeling stupid, for that’s how you end up learning new things. If you’re not aware you’re stupid, you probably are.



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  • Closed Accounts Posts: 22,048 ✭✭✭✭Snowie


    Personally speaking.

    I dont have a gf. but some things have happened to me in the past that have solidified my feelings towards irish women.

    I when i lived in the snowy lands of france, I was getting every body out of the bar so we could cleen up. One girl french pretty I walk over to and ask her can she leave she said something in french and i turned round and she planted a kiss on me Ive never been more shocked in all my life. she wasnt drunk either.... That kinda thing doesnt happen in ireland that much in ireland.

    Its happened to me once and funnily enough I meet her on zoosk we went for a drink she kissed me. I was pretty gobsmacked. I think some women are prepaired to just do things that most wont. But I think the problem is what will everybody else think.

    You know what it feels damm good whena woman makes a move :)...

    On the other hand people fear rejection now from what i can muster up in my own head, the fear of rejection is harder to master then the fear of being alone... Because one day or another some people go ahh sure S/he will do.

    I think that at times people get confussed, over needs and wants... and let that become there judgement....

    for instance what I want for me maybe a six foot blonde with blue eyes facial features as asharp as young madonna ... you get the picture!! But do I need that?

    Not really

    What I need personally speaking Im not so sure yet but i would like kind careing, thaughtfull and most importantly, easy to be around...

    Sadly I think most of us are hanging on toa juvinile conception that maybe wel meet are cheril cole or hot blonde kinda thing. well i think thats what Ive done. Myabe others do to.. just my two cents...

    But i do know one thing I dont have any regrets about stupid dessions Ive made in the past simply because they've opened my eyes so to speak..


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 20 ghostdog1


    Personally speaking.

    You know what it feels damm good whena woman makes a move :)...

    Sadly I think most of us are hanging on toa juvinile conception that maybe wel meet are cheril cole or hot blonde kinda thing. well i think thats what Ive done. Myabe others do to.. just my two cents...



    It's true, we have too many boxes that we think need to be ticked when we're forgetting what it's really about! I've a few mates who had types, what they thought they wanted and then someone (partners now) just came along and who didnt neccessarily fit their "type" and all that was thrown out the window because they just clicked. If you click with someone that's the main thing, what the attraction builds from. I've gone out with men that I wasn't instantly attracted to, there wasn't immediate fireworks or what have you but there was a little click where I knew I would get on with that person, from the train of conversation and that's what was attractive I think. Ive started off many a times dating people not feeling so enthused, and then wound up falling hard!!


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 2,462 ✭✭✭Orla K


    It's really a no win situation, if you approach a guy he just sits there too confused to know what to do. It's funny and tragic.

    Also if your out and not interested in meeting people, when a guy starts chatting you up and your nice about saying your not interested, they don't go away! I don't mind a guy chatting to me because he things I'm interesting but if a guy starts chatting me up I'll nicely tell in I'm not interested in being chatted up or meeting guys, guys seem to think then that I want sex and annoy me over it until I'm a bitch to them, just to get them to go.


    I feel like I'm going to be single forever now:rolleyes:


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 34,788 ✭✭✭✭krudler


    beks101 wrote: »
    Christ on a bike, engaged by 26?? Honestly, do you know many girls who are engaged at this age? I'm 25 and by all accounts still a baby! Single, but even if I was in a relationship, marriage, kids et al would be way way down the line, most of my friends would be the same.

    Out of my close friends, 2 are engaged, one is 26 the other is 27, they've been in relationships for 6 and 8 years respectively though. My girlfriends sister just got engaged and she's 28.

    I'm glad I'm in a relationship, and I dont mean that as in a "yay, I bagged one!" type thing, but any of my single friends who I go out with usually either stand in a club too annoyed about being rejected once already that night and wont approach another woman, then mope off home after another fruitless night out. And for some reason I'm the one that women approach, maybe they can smell that I have a girlfriend or something, sure as shyte never happened when I was single :D Out of my group of say 7 friends, only me and one other guy are in relationships, and we always have the most fun nights out because theres zero pressure, we talk to women in a sociable way (letting them know we have girlfriends up front) but theres no bullsh1t, no pressure, no awkwardness, just friendly chat. Its nice :)


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 30,731 ✭✭✭✭princess-lala


    Im 25 and singleish!

    Most of my friends are either engaged or in long term things. I still go out to have a good night though - never to actually hook up! If I see a guy I like the look of I will talk to him or talk to him if he approaches me.

    I was out at the AH beers last Saturday week, we were in D2 and I was dancing with one other girl, next thing I get an elbow into the ribs (total accident) This went on for a few minutes cause I was doing it back to him. Got chatting to the m - group of three men. The elbow dude so wasnt my type but I was chatting to his friend.

    Didnt bother me that I was approaching him in the slightest, have been seeing him ever since though, who knows what way it will go or whatever but for now Im happy and thats all that matters :D

    Wow sorry for the long post :eek:


  • Posts: 23,339 ✭✭✭✭ [Deleted User]


    Found this thread while looking for another one :)

    This may be of interest to ye, I'm a 29 year old single chap, nice genuine sort, not a play the game type arse hole. Anyway every so often we all come across people that catch our eye, not on looks alone, but they have that magical something about them. Anyway over a year ago I saw a lady that did just that, I think she went to college same time I did too but never knew her. Anyway over a period of weeks I kept seeing her out and about in various clubs / pubs etc. Never approached her even though she did seem a lovely lady, one night I was chatting with a friend in a club and I noticed she was after sitting on a stool quite near to me, my friend wandered off to the bar or somewhere and I was thinking this is an oppurtune time to say hi. Anyway I froze, literally :o To be honest I reckon I was scarred sh1tless which isn't like me at all. So I spent the few days after that rueing my lost oppurtunity.

    Now as luck would have it a few weeks later I was in the same club and so was she :) Her friend asked me did I have the time, I told them the time and said to the lady I was interested in that I hoped she wasn't leaving, she smiled and said she wasn't. They headed off downstairs, later I noticed that she was back to I wandered over and said hi, she ignored me, not to be put off that easily I intriduced myself and asked her did she have a name, I think I got a bit of a no by means of a headshake, I then said surely you must have even a little name, I got the faintest of smiles then but at this stage I was thinking f this, so I wished her a nice rest of the weekend and f'd off.

    A few weeks later I then bumped into her again and she was with a guy, I was out with a group of say 3 or 4 males and females, the lady really seemed to want me to notice her as she danced next to me while the guy was at the bar, I mean next as in brushing against me. Can I have a wtf please :D

    Haven't seen her in a while now but since that last time I often saw her but after being ignored I wouldn't attempt to chat her up again, which is a bit retarded possibly as I still reckon she is fairly hot and the ole chemistry thing is still there.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 604 ✭✭✭tempura


    RoverJames wrote: »
    Found this thread while looking for another one :)

    This may be of interest to ye, I'm a 29 year old single chap, nice genuine sort, not a play the game type arse hole. Anyway every so often we all come across people that catch our eye, not on looks alone, but they have that magical something about them. Anyway over a year ago I saw a lady that did just that, I think she went to college same time I did too but never knew her. Anyway over a period of weeks I kept seeing her out and about in various clubs / pubs etc. Never approached her even though she did seem a lovely lady, one night I was chatting with a friend in a club and I noticed she was after sitting on a stool quite near to me, my friend wandered off to the bar or somewhere and I was thinking this is an oppurtune time to say hi. Anyway I froze, literally :o To be honest I reckon I was scarred sh1tless which isn't like me at all. So I spent the few days after that rueing my lost oppurtunity.

    Now as luck would have it a few weeks later I was in the same club and so was she :) Her friend asked me did I have the time, I told them the time and said to the lady I was interested in that I hoped she wasn't leaving, she smiled and said she wasn't. They headed off downstairs, later I noticed that she was back to I wandered over and said hi, she ignored me, not to be put off that easily I intriduced myself and asked her did she have a name, I think I got a bit of a no by means of a headshake, I then said surely you must have even a little name, I got the faintest of smiles then but at this stage I was thinking f this, so I wished her a nice rest of the weekend and f'd off.

    A few weeks later I then bumped into her again and she was with a guy, I was out with a group of say 3 or 4 males and females, the lady really seemed to want me to notice her as she danced next to me while the guy was at the bar, I mean next as in brushing against me. Can I have a wtf please :D

    Haven't seen her in a while now but since that last time I often saw her but after being ignored I wouldn't attempt to chat her up again, which is a bit retarded possibly as I still reckon she is fairly hot and the ole chemistry thing is still there.


    Id have another go if i were you, life is too short. It sounds like she is interested but perhaps extremely shy. And if the chemistry is there like you say, well, you cant ignore that.

    I know id have to find out instead of the what ifs.

    Should really take my own advice .


  • Posts: 23,339 ✭✭✭✭ [Deleted User]


    tempura wrote: »
    Id have another go if i were you, life is too short. It sounds like she is interested but perhaps extremely shy. And if the chemistry is there like you say, well, you cant ignore that.

    I know id have to find out instead of the what ifs.

    Should really take my own advice .

    Yeah, I know, I should just swallow my pride really. I wouldn't have her down as shy to be honest but to be fair to her I have an inkling that I don't come across as a nice genuine sort of chap. I'll have to take your advice though I reckon, to be honest the way she ignored me I found strangely attractive, whenever I think about it I smile :)


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 604 ✭✭✭tempura


    RoverJames wrote: »
    Yeah, I know, I should just swallow my pride really. I wouldn't have her down as shy to be honest but to be fair to her I have an inkling that I don't come across as a nice genuine sort of chap. I'll have to take your advice though I reckon, to be honest the way she ignored me I found strangely attractive, whenever I think about it I smile :)

    Know exactly how you feel, have a smiliar situation going on, its a killer. Its the thoughs of rejection really that stops me. Is interesting to see it from your perspective though as im female.

    Maybe we should just both go for it :)


  • Posts: 23,339 ✭✭✭✭ [Deleted User]


    Indeed :)
    Thank you.


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  • Moderators, Music Moderators Posts: 35,945 Mod ✭✭✭✭dr.bollocko


    It's a little bit perplexing how any Irish couples get together at all considering the aversion some of the people have to just talking and flirting. Never ceases to amaze me how we've managed to set up huge populations all over the world. Maybe we're only happy to flirt and get together when safely out of mammy's gossip zone :D


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 2,219 ✭✭✭PK2008


    In a strange way its comforting to know girls dont approach guys, that way I can tell myself that the girls in the pubs do fancy me they're just too afraid to approach me.

    Its not about me being unattractive, it about them being crazy

    Success!!


  • Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 60,217 Mod ✭✭✭✭Wibbs


    Fair play to you RoverJames, you've got way more patience than I can muster. If I got signals like you appear to have and then she pulled the "ooh Im not sure" stuff, the first thing that would pop into my head would be "Waste of time. Next!". I'd be thinking OK lets say I jump through hoops here and we end up together, will she be pulling the "Im not sure" angle in other areas of the relationship, or expecting me to jump through hoops ad nauseum? And that would be making life difficult for myself. That has been my experience anyway.

    I agree with Dr. B too. We can be disastrously bad at engaging with the opposite sex in Ireland. Yet the same no hopers, male and female can do so much better overseas.

    Rejoice in the awareness of feeling stupid, for that’s how you end up learning new things. If you’re not aware you’re stupid, you probably are.



  • Closed Accounts Posts: 17,485 ✭✭✭✭Ickle Magoo


    Wibbs wrote: »
    I agree with Dr. B too. We can be disastrously bad at engaging with the opposite sex in Ireland. Yet the same no hopers, male and female can do so much better overseas.

    Yourself & Dr B may be onto something there...just thinking about us (irish/scot) and our friends consist of irish/aussie, irish/south african, irish/welsh, irish/english, irish/german & irish/french guyanese...there are irish/irish of course but for a relatively small demographic, there does seem to be a lot of couples from different countries. :)


  • Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 60,217 Mod ✭✭✭✭Wibbs


    I'd know a fair few Irish/various latin types. We seem to be a good mix with them and vice versa. Even historically we were at that. The normans invade england and stay completely away from the locals for 100's of years, they get here and its bed time shenanigans overnight. :D I remember reading a study that found the Irish in the UK were the most likely group to mix with others. Not unlike the notion of the "rebel" irish. In ireland we'll bend over in a flash, but drop us in some far away land and we're in the forests and jungles rebelling an fighting like nutters. Even with artists. Look at the great Irish writers, most of them leave to write. Joyce buggered off to Europe before writing the quintessential book on Dublin.

    Rejoice in the awareness of feeling stupid, for that’s how you end up learning new things. If you’re not aware you’re stupid, you probably are.



  • Closed Accounts Posts: 17,485 ✭✭✭✭Ickle Magoo


    Oh yes, all that irish charm put to good use! ;):p


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 8,073 ✭✭✭sam34


    RoverJames wrote: »
    I wandered over and said hi, she ignored me, not to be put off that easily I intriduced myself and asked her did she have a name, I think I got a bit of a no by means of a headshake, I then said surely you must have even a little name, I got the faintest of smiles then but at this stage I was thinking f this, so I wished her a nice rest of the weekend and f'd off.

    if it were me, i wouldnt bother with someone like this again

    there's no excuse for that sort of behaviour, its just rude and ignorant, imo.

    maybe she thinks she's being mysterious and enigmatic but imo she's just being a headwrecker


  • Posts: 23,339 ✭✭✭✭ [Deleted User]


    Wibbs wrote: »
    Fair play to you RoverJames, you've got way more patience than I can muster. If I got signals like you appear to have and then she pulled the "ooh Im not sure" stuff, the first thing that would pop into my head would be "Waste of time. Next!". I'd be thinking OK lets say I jump through hoops here and we end up together, will she be pulling the "Im not sure" angle in other areas of the relationship, or expecting me to jump through hoops ad nauseum? And that would be making life difficult for myself. That has been my experience anyway.
    sam34 wrote: »
    if it were me, i wouldnt bother with someone like this again

    there's no excuse for that sort of behaviour, its just rude and ignorant, imo.

    maybe she thinks she's being mysterious and enigmatic but imo she's just being a headwrecker


    Yep, I agree with ye both. Hence why I didn't bother anymore the next few times I saw her, but the ole zing is still there.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 859 ✭✭✭BobbyOLeary


    It's interesting that you guys mention so many Irish/Foreign relationships. In my experience the Irish get on very well with the opposite sex (men moreso than women I've found) abroad. I think it's the sense of humour and general social nature of most Irish people. That being said, I couldn't imagine a long term relationship with somebody from another country who didn't have the same sort of Irish sense of humour.

    I've yet to meet another nationality (New Zealanders are the closest I've found, and that accent....) which has the same sort of "slagging" culture that Ireland has. It's a real dealbreaker for me if I can't have some friendly slagging with my OH.

    As for Irish women making it difficult for themselves. They do on night's out but in any other situation I've found them to be amazing fun. I think the foreigner's have us on night's out but in day-to-day life the Irish win out. Just my 2c.


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  • Posts: 23,339 ✭✭✭✭ [Deleted User]


    but in day-to-day life the Irish win out. Just my 2c.

    very true I think.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,633 ✭✭✭Feeona


    I just recently started going out with a lovely man. Bit of background....I worked with him years ago. He tried it on, I was not expecting it, so nothing happened.
    In recent years I've done odd days in the school he's working in now. We always got on well. He finally asked me out for something to eat after school one day. It was all very simple, no pressure on me (might have been pressure on him asking me though!), no expectations.
    What I admire most about him so far is that although he does like me in that way (and might have liked me in that way for a while), he's still taking great care to ensure that he's meeting someone he gets along with. Which to me means he has very high self esteem. Which makes me go all wobbly knee-ed :o

    I can count on one hand when I met a man who took his time to get to know me. And I'd say many men find the same with women. Usually there's no time to get to know somebody when you start seeing them, because either the man or the woman in the burdgeoning relationship is rushing things and isn't taking the time to get to know the other person.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 17,485 ✭✭✭✭Ickle Magoo


    I think the foreigner's have us on night's out but in day-to-day life the Irish win out.

    Sorry, what does that mean? :confused:


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 2,219 ✭✭✭PK2008


    Feeona wrote: »
    I just recently started going out with a lovely man. Bit of background....I worked with him years ago. He tried it on, I was not expecting it, so nothing happened.
    In recent years I've done odd days in the school he's working in now. We always got on well. He finally asked me out for something to eat after school one day. It was all very simple, no pressure on me (might have been pressure on him asking me though!), no expectations.
    What I admire most about him so far is that although he does like me in that way (and might have liked me in that way for a while), he's still taking great care to ensure that he's meeting someone he gets along with. Which to me means he has very high self esteem. Which makes me go all wobbly knee-ed :o

    I can count on one hand when I met a man who took his time to get to know me. And I'd say many men find the same with women. Usually there's no time to get to know somebody when you start seeing them, because either the man or the woman in the burdgeoning relationship is rushing things and isn't taking the time to get to know the other person.

    Nice story and I am happy for you but I gotta stick up for the guys on this one;

    A lot of guys who fall in love tend to fall for women they know really well, but unfortunately they end up getting stuck in the dreaded 'friend zone', Ive known more guys to fall for long term friends than I have women.

    Your story just proves the OP's point, the guy got shot down once by you, you were just lucky he tried again.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,633 ✭✭✭Feeona


    PK2008 wrote: »

    A lot of guys who fall in love tend to fall for women they know really well, but unfortunately they end up getting stuck in the dreaded 'friend zone', Ive known more guys to fall for long term friends than I have women.

    Your story just proves what the OP said, the guy got shot down once by you, you were just lucky he tried again.

    You're right, there is the chance you will get stuck in the friend zone! But if you're (general 'you') the type of person who likes to take things slowly, I think it's important to take note of the way you like to do things when you're looking to meet someone.

    Just want to add though that I didn't shoot him down, makes it sound like I just told him to f*ck off:eek:. I had no idea he liked me, so I got a big shock when he tried to snog me and I just said I didn't think it would work.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 14,357 ✭✭✭✭leahyl


    To be honest i am very wary of meeting guys on a night out - i'm not into the whole pub/club scene that much anyway - i think it's really false but i would try to be polite to a guy if i wasn't interested and just tell him that - but sometimes they don't give up so you have to be a bit more forceful in getting it across - not that i get chatted up loads or anything!

    I just would prefer to meet a guy through friends or else in another environment but it's not really easy in this country cos the social scene basically revolves around drink....most of the time anyway.

    I just don't really trust guys when i'm out a lot of the time - i'm not looking for a drunken one night stand - i want a real, meaningful relationship - and that's probably why i've never had a relationship....:o Oh well hopefully it will happen someday....


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  • Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 4,006 ✭✭✭donfers


    It's a little bit perplexing how any Irish couples get together at all considering the aversion some of the people have to just talking and flirting. Never ceases to amaze me how we've managed to set up huge populations all over the world. Maybe we're only happy to flirt and get together when safely out of mammy's gossip zone :D

    add excessive booze to the equation and non-extreme revulsion after first night stand and you've got possibilities


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,289 ✭✭✭Howard the Duck


    leahyl wrote: »
    To be honest i am very wary of meeting guys on a night out - i'm not into the whole pub/club scene that much anyway - i think it's really false but i would try to be polite to a guy if i wasn't interested and just tell him that - but sometimes they don't give up so you have to be a bit more forceful in getting it across - not that i get chatted up loads or anything!

    I just would prefer to meet a guy through friends or else in another environment but it's not really easy in this country cos the social scene basically revolves around drink....most of the time anyway.

    I just don't really trust guys when i'm out a lot of the time - i'm not looking for a drunken one night stand - i want a real, meaningful relationship - and that's probably why i've never had a relationship....:o Oh well hopefully it will happen someday....

    This is the attitude of most girls i meet on a night out. For example i met a girl in a club last Friday ..well i say girl she was a doctor so she was a woman. Anyway we danced and kissed and then she talked herself out of giving me her number saying she's been messed around too much by younger guys.
    She wasn't much older than me maybe just a couple of years. I was kinda pissed off as she approached me in the first place so left her to it and went back to my mates.

    But i do think most girls think that guys in clubs are just after one thing which is mostly not the case ..but yea ok sometimes it is. From my perspective i can see a girl i like and spend most of the night working up the (dutch) courage to approach her. And then when i do most of them think i am a cocky asshole or a "player" even though i have no lines and i normally just say "hi how are you?"

    I do think the cocky demeanour that some guys put on in a night club is a shield they use in case they get blown out of the water by a girl they think is cute. It's probably the same with the girls that blow the guys out of the water. In the end i think it's about insecurities by both sexes.
    Anyway it's nearly Friday so i can continue my studies tomorrow night :D


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 859 ✭✭✭BobbyOLeary


    Sorry, what does that mean? :confused:

    Ha, looking back over that I realise how hard it was to understand! What I was trying to say was that I've found foreign women to be more fun on nights out and easier to approach but in day to day stuff I feel Irish women are more fun. Make more sense now?

    Foreigners = Easier to talk to in Bars

    Irish = Easier to talk to not in Bars


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 17,485 ✭✭✭✭Ickle Magoo


    Ha, looking back over that I realise how hard it was to understand! What I was trying to say was that I've found foreign women to be more fun on nights out and easier to approach but in day to day stuff I feel Irish women are more fun. Make more sense now?

    Foreigners = Easier to talk to in Bars

    Irish = Easier to talk to not in Bars

    Yes, much easier when you state it's about you chatting to Irish women - for a second there I though you were suggesting that foreign folks were great for a night but not for a relationship...I was about to get on my high horse! :pac: :o


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 12,917 ✭✭✭✭iguana


    I might get completely shot down for this but I really think people seriously over analyse this. I think too much thinking goes on and people need to learn to trust their instincts a bit more. If you meet a guy you have a spark with then just give him a chance. Sure he might be a player but if he is so what. How much does it really hurt to give a guy your number and have him not call you. Sure it's not nice and it dents your confidence but it's more of a smart than a deep body wound.

    You are hurting yourself far more if you talk yourself out of ever giving someone a chance just in case it might hurt. Life is about trying things out, falling down sometimes and learning to get over it and move on. It's true of everything from learning to walk, to getting a job, to finding a relationship. Simple rule of life is that yes you will fall on your arsé sometimes but if you let that stop you from trying you'll never get up off your arsé in the first place so you'll end up in the same place anyway. So you really might as well give something a go if it feels good.


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  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 2,219 ✭✭✭PK2008


    Its never going to change

    Its a time honouered Irish male tradition to crash and burn on a Friday and Saturday night, if you dont take it to heart its good for a laugh and it makes the times you score all the sweeter.

    It is what it is.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 1 Little_one


    I absolutely make things harder on myself and i'm a total 'over thinker'. I never seem interested in guys that are interested in me, yet lust after the ones that aren't. I also used to have the opinion that a fella should do the running, i would never approach someone and if a guy didn't txt me then i would rarely txt him first but i've realised this is a very immature way to go on and so i'm trying to change.
    Since Christmas i've ended up kissing a guy in my class every night we've all gone out which is about 6 or 7 times. In class it wasnt awkward or anything and we would just act normal as if nothing had happened. I put it down to a bit of drunken fun but as time went on and i got to know him better i started to really like him. So, after advice from a few friends, male and female i decided to bite the bullet and ask him to the cinema or something so i would have an idea if he felt the same or not. Male friends had said guys love to be asked out and told someone likes them. I'd never done anything like that before and so was really nervous but thought i'd nothing to lose! Anyway, on the latest night out i got extremely drunk and it went all wrong,i told him i liked him,i dont remember the whole conversation but he basically told me he wasnt looking for anything serious and he just saw it as a bit of fun which has knocked my confidence a bit and put me off putting myself out there again! Worst thing is in my drunken state i ended up being with him again that night after the whole conversation which i totally shouldnt have done.

    Sorry not sure what the point of that was but basically, it takes a lot of guts to put yourself out there and tell someone how you feel (and doing it when drunk is a total no no!) will probably take me a while to do it again!


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 153 ✭✭Soul Stretcher


    I remember reading part of an article written by Irish Agony Aunt - basically she said that the sexes are retreating from one another. They are not at war... they're just pulling back from each other emotionally.

    Obviously one-night-stands happen but they're more about sex than emotions I think.

    It's a dangerous thing for either man or woman to walk into an Irish nite club with an open heart hoping to meet someone to love. First of all, people (Men and Women) act differently in Nite Clubs. Men feel pressure to be peacocky. Women are aware that a large part of their social circle will see (and possibly gossip about) everything or everyone they do over the night. So yes - It's drawbridge up for a lot of women and this seems to reduce men to getting drunk and taking Lucky Dip pot shots at any vaguely attractive woman who might be on the periphery of the female social circle.

    Conclusion:

    Nite Clubs/Noisy Pubs are NOT the best place to meet a partner.

    A friendly unexpected "Hi how are you" and flirtatious chat in the queue at Tesco, in the Shopping Centre, at the Horse Races, at the Beach, at a gig, at a dancing class, at any evening class or even on the street if you pass each other regularly is much more likely to set the tone for getting to know someone first properly and going on proper dates before the whole snogging/sex thing becomes an issue.

    I really think Irish men and women should be given Dating Lessons before leaving Secondary School !!


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 37,214 ✭✭✭✭Dudess


    iguana wrote: »
    I might get completely shot down for this but I really think people seriously over analyse this. I think too much thinking goes on and people need to learn to trust their instincts a bit more. If you meet a guy you have a spark with then just give him a chance. Sure he might be a player but if he is so what. How much does it really hurt to give a guy your number and have him not call you. Sure it's not nice and it dents your confidence but it's more of a smart than a deep body wound.

    You are hurting yourself far more if you talk yourself out of ever giving someone a chance just in case it might hurt. Life is about trying things out, falling down sometimes and learning to get over it and move on. It's true of everything from learning to walk, to getting a job, to finding a relationship. Simple rule of life is that yes you will fall on your arsé sometimes but if you let that stop you from trying you'll never get up off your arsé in the first place so you'll end up in the same place anyway. So you really might as well give something a go if it feels good.
    Amen to that - better the devil you know than don't know IMO...


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 168 ✭✭whocares86


    i dont think i will ever figure out ladies anyway,

    take for example a few week ago, i was invited to a social outing by a friend of mine who works with this lady , lovely personality, we got chatting , have lots of things in common , interests , backgrounds etc , i found her very attractive and she is single, so at the end of the evening we say our goodbyes , it wasnt the place to ask her out, following day i send her an email saying hi ( i got her email address from our mutual friend) and not a response, nothing, ( she did get the email) now she could have replied and been polite said hi and even if i did ask her out in an email she could have said no thanks , seeing somebody, not interested

    what are ladies thoughts on this, whould she have been afraid to respond to the email in thinking she might have been asked out

    have been asked to another outing next month, not sure if i will go but if i do i think i will be keeping my distance


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 3,724 ✭✭✭seenitall


    E-mail is NOT a good way to express an interest in someone or to even "feel out" someone. There may be people who will disagree with me on this, but to me, e-mailing is way too impersonal and it would tell its own story about the guy e-mailing me.

    On the other hand, to not answer an e-mail is impolite.

    Either way, you have your answer about any amorous (im)possibilities in that lady's direction, anyway...


  • Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 60,217 Mod ✭✭✭✭Wibbs


    Yes we do make things way more difficult for ourselves than we bloody well need to.

    I look at it this way, we have the power of speech, unique among animals and through various technologies we have myriad avenues to transmit it. But above all face to face and direct is by far the best way.

    So maybe you're nervous? So maybe you're not sure? So maybe youve been burned? All valid excuses, but excuses nonetheless. In 100 years you won't be here, what's left will be buried or cast on the wind and the grave won't remember whatever issues you had. A 7 day wonder, with a few fading memories in those that knew you which will be gone soon enough too. The world got on fine without you for billions of years and it'll go on without you for billions more. So if you feel something, do something. If not now, when? Your whens will run out all too soon and as they do you'll regret the why nots.

    If you get blown out, then on to the next. Neither men nor women are rare. The only rare thing in your life is you, so treat that accordingly.

    Rejoice in the awareness of feeling stupid, for that’s how you end up learning new things. If you’re not aware you’re stupid, you probably are.



  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 13,713 ✭✭✭✭Novella


    Wibbs wrote: »

    So maybe you're nervous? So maybe you're not sure? So maybe youve been burned? All valid excuses, but excuses nonetheless. In 100 years you won't be here, what's left will be buried or cast on the wind and the grave won't remember whatever issues you had. A 7 day wonder, with a few fading memories in those that knew you which will be gone soon enough too. The world got on fine without you for billions of years and it'll go on without you for billions more. So if you feel something, do something. If not now, when? Your whens will run out all too soon and as they do you'll regret the why nots.

    Best paragraph ever. :)


  • Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 60,217 Mod ✭✭✭✭Wibbs


    Praise from Caesar :D

    Rejoice in the awareness of feeling stupid, for that’s how you end up learning new things. If you’re not aware you’re stupid, you probably are.



  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 3,724 ✭✭✭seenitall


    Feeling philosophical this evening, hmmm..?

    It is a good philosophy. Shame too many of us are too self-involved with our assorted issues and insecurities to heed good advice like this. Human condition.


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