How to break up with boyfriend

Anna23

I am having some problems with my boyf, we met last year in august and all went well until December where all of a sudden he started telling me I should lose weight, that he will pay for the gym, i agreed that maybe i need to lose some weight, so went to the gym, started losing weight but not at the speed my "dear" boyf wanted me to. Now 9 months later all we talk about on the phone is my weight, and how long I was in the gym for, what equipment I have used, how long was I on each, and so on. Its getting to a stage where I am dreading the phone calls that I get from him, as I know the first thing he asks is: did you go to the gym today? It got to a stage where I am resenting him and want to break up with him straight away, I was planning on doing so last week, after explaining to him how much he is insulting me, to which he says I am doing u a favor! I am about 5 feet 8" and size 14-16, so yes I have some curves. but he met me "this way" and he didnt see anything wrong with this in the beginning. Now after 9 months we got attached, well i got attached to him and i do like having him around, but not always concentrating on weight, it just drives me insane. I have tried to explain to him how he makes me feel, he basically got really annoyed with me on my bday and kept giving out to me as i had a sausage at breakfast and an egg with some beans, and said this is not someone’s breakfast when on a diet. It was a small plate, nothing out of proportion. I want out but i have no idea how to approach the issue, had a look on different sites on how to break up with someone, i am just insulted and humiliated, and have no idea how to end things. He even said to me and yes i know " that I do not want you to meet my parents looking like that" i wanted to cry, but wouldn't allow myself to give him the satisfaction. I am a 26 year old who is basically trapped in a silly relationship, i have said this to my mum who basically said to leave him, which i plan on doing, but just need some courage. I cant really say anything to my friends as I know the answer, which is dump him, i guess i need some encouragement.

Latchy

Hmmm ....Boyfriend sounds like a bit of control freak using your weight issue to control tbh

OP is it possible you could go off or stay some place for a weekend with friends ? .Then when /if he calls or texts asking were you are, tell him your having a much needed break away and enjoying yourself with some friends .

If he protests in any way , you respond with '' but surely you want me to enjoy myself while loosing some weight '' ?

* cue confused boyfriend *

Followed by you saying 'Oh yeah it's over now ....Byyeeeeeeeeee '

Anna23

All we talk about is weight and how we can get as much exercise as possible now I have to admit I am not as active as I used to be, I have given up loads of foods, and changed a lot of things, but I do not believe that a relationship should be like this, he just text-ed me there saying what was I doing!!! dah ranting on the net about u, wanted to say! oh we dont live together he lives about 50 miles away, so we only see each other at the weekends.

Its getting me really down, i guess the sooner I break up with him, the better it will be for me.

Latchy

Are there any positive things going on in your relationship beside the weight issue ? Does he have your best intentions at heart or just belittling you because he can

If the minus's outweigh the plus's and it's what you really want then
do it .

Only you can decide how to do

Contessa Raven

Hi Anna23,

I think the right answer here is to dump him. I'm all for people not letting themselves go when in a relationship but this guy met you when you were this size and he accepted it then. So what's changed?

Don't let him make you feel bad about your size. I'm 5 feet 2 inches and a size 14. I'm quite chunky but my OH met me like this and loves me this way. You deserve someone who will love you as you are.

Next time he phones you up and asks "Did you go to the gym?" Respond with "No. And I'm not going anymore. I'm happy as I am and I feel you've been pushing me to be something I'm not. I don't think you're good for me and I would appreciate it if you didn't contact me again."

This is what I would do anyway. And even if you aren't happy with your shape, change for you not some d**khead who wants to mould you into a person you aren't. If you stay in this relationship, he'll wear your confidence down so much. He's trying to walk all over you.

I hope you find the courage to end it.

CR

Anna23

when we don't constantly talk about weight we get on great, but i am starting to hate him, as its rare when we don't talk about weight! I will say to him that I do not want to drag him along, and its better to end things, I will do this next week, when he is coming over, but I have things in his house, which I need to pick up. and should i break up with him first and then collect my stuff, or vice versa?

i honestly don't know if he has the best intentions at heart! maybe he does. but its a funny way of going about things, insulting ppl isnt the best way, in my opinion. i just need to do it and get it over with.

MistyCheese

I concur with what Contessa Raven said. Next time he asks you if you went to the gym tell him that you did not. This shouldn't be a major issue. If he freaks out over it then he is being unreasonable. It's difficult enough to lose weight without someone breathing down your neck.

Also, it does sound like he is a control freak. If he suceeds with the weight issue then he will simply move on to the next thing. Maybe he'll decide he doesn't like your accent, the way you dress, your job. At some point it will be your friends who he doesn't like, he won't like you going out without him, he'll say you spend too much time with family and not enough with him. All because he is insecure and wants you to listen to him and only him. Of course he'll say it'll all for your own good.

Even in the short-term, if all he can talk about is your diet and excercise then he sounds like quite a bore. At your age relationships should be fun.

For the record, him saying that "I do not want you to meet my parents looking like that" would've had me out the door.

Latchy

^ as above ^

He's chipping away at your self esteem .It's all about him not you

You need rid of him ASAP.

krudler

He sounds like a twat tbh, get rid of him but do keep going to the gym , but only because you want to and do it at your own pace, not because someone is barking at your heels.

barleybooley

Oh my OP, this really won't do. It'd be one thing if you were a lot smaller when you met him and all of a sudden ballooned up to a size that was unattractive to him, but come on! Size 14-16 is not big at all for someone who's 5'8"! Maybe you could fight fire with fire and tell him you don't want him seeing his friends or something and when he protests, tell him that's how you feel being permanently under the thumb.

You need to stop this outright or get out, you can't go on like this OP, soon it'll turn into something else.

Best of luck, we're all behind you

lizzie09

I do not want you to meet my parents looking like that" quote


Yeah, this is the last thing you need run as fast as you can in the other direction... you sound lovely as you are The cheeky so and so!

mig mag

My advice.....GET RID! ASAP!!
No one deserves to be put down and insulted and humiliated and disrespected like that.
If he is supposed to be your boyfriend then he should be proud of you and encouraging (NOT controlling) and supportive and all the other good things.
Being with someone who only brings you down will do you no good.
Go find someone who appreciates you for you. Who you can feel comfortable and happy and confident with.
Best of luck girl - you can do it!

Overheal

Simple: give him the ultimatum. Youre happy the way you are. He's not. He can take it or leave it. Bet you he would.

tinkerbell

You said yourself that you need to lose some weight ... to be honest, your boyfriend is trying to get you to lose weight BUT he is going about it the wrong way by acting like that. But seriously, you're trying to lose weight and you're eating sausage, egg and beans for breakfast? Come on, that's not eating properly.

You say you get on great when you don't talk about weight. How about you talk to him, and explain how awful it's making you feel and that all you need is encouragement, not to be dictated to.

sesna

OP - I can see why you might feel annoyed by your boyfriends behaviour. But in reality, you are overweight. You need to lose that excess fat, and become healthier.

He has you and your health in mind. Much like when a significant other suggests to the partner to give up smoking, cut back on drinking etc.

Unfortunately, like everything else, people give statements of intent but in reality like to be mollycoddled when it comes to issues such as weight. I have found females to be very emotional when it comes to food, ("I ate that 12 inch pizza because I was feeling angry, I feel so guilty. Anyway wheres my chocolate gone?").

Females are the most concerned with weight-loss as evident by beauty magazines articles, yet are the worst offenders when it comes to weight gain.

Perhaps you should embrace that someone cares so deeply about your health, and your well being. The US Navy Seals do not produce excellent soldiers by talking about feelings and bunny rabbits - they do so by dealing in hard brutal honest fact, discipline and hard work. Good luck on your journey to being a better person.

dellas1979

As they'd say on TV "the only weight you need to loose is him"...

but seriously, maybe you should put it out there how much it annoys you. Do this first before you break with him or else youll never know. Maybe he doesnt realise. After all, you did willingly seem to go along with this for a long time - he probably hasnt an iota.

If then it still isnt working/hitting home, then go for it.

bluebee

Chicken, you sound perfectly in proportion to me, 5`8 is very tall! I`m `5`6 and a curvy size 12 and if anyone told me to lose weight I`d tell them where to go!!!

A few years ago an ex of mine convinced me that I really needed to lose weight but he was soo negative about it, always giving out to me! "Walking`s not excercise", "You eat too much chocolate" blah blah blah....needless to say I didn`t stay with him for too much longer. Your boyfriend sounds much worse, really mean in fact. If I were you I`d send him a text telling him he`s dumped and not to contact you anymore!

Seriously, 5`8 is a lovely height to be a size 14-16, I bet you have a gorgeous figure, and if you want to tone up and eat healthily you should be doing it to make YOU happy, not because some mean loser is making you feel sad and guilty!

Send him a text telling him to f**k off and go out dancing tomorrow night with your mates:)

xxxx

tinkerbell

^^ Err I'm sorry but size 14-16 is NOT healthy nor is it a "gorgeous figure". I don't understand how people these days think that 14-16 is "curvy" when it's not. "Curvy" = hourglass figure, small waist, a rounded bum and boobs. This is not a size 14-16. The OP's boyfriend is going about it the wrong way but he is trying to get his girlfriend to be healthier.

The OP said that when not talking about weight, they get on great. She just needs to tell him how upset it makes her feel and explain to him how he can help her get into shape. But seriously, if the OP's boyfriend is encouraging her to lose weight and she's off eating a fry-up for breakfast, no wonder he is getting annoyed about it.

Overheal

tinkerbell wrote: »

^^ Err I'm sorry but size 14-16 is NOT healthy nor is it a "gorgeous figure".


......

Not trying to have a go at you Tink. By all means express looks and aesthetics but its disingenuous to tell someone they are unhealthy because of their dress size. The OP can always visit a GP or Dietitian to make that assertion; and they are the only ones who should say absolutely what is Healthy and what Isn't.

cbmonstra

tinkerbell wrote: »

You said yourself that you need to lose some weight ... to be honest, your boyfriend is trying to get you to lose weight BUT he is going about it the wrong way by acting like that. But seriously, you're trying to lose weight and you're eating sausage, egg and beans for breakfast? Come on, that's not eating properly.

You say you get on great when you don't talk about weight. How about you talk to him, and explain how awful it's making you feel and that all you need is encouragement, not to be dictated to.

Eh... it was her birthday... If ya can't have a sausage on your birthday when can you?

tinkerbell

Overheal wrote: »

Not trying to have a go at you Tink. By all means express looks and aesthetics but its disingenuous to tell someone they are unhealthy because of their dress size. The OP can always visit a GP or Dietitian to make that assertion; and they are the only ones who should say absolutely what is Healthy and what Isn't.

I apologise if what I said caused offence. Obviously only the OP knows if she's healthy or not, but she said she needed to lose weight which made it sound like her current weight was unhealthy.

I still think the OP needs to talk to her boyfriend though, maybe he doesn't realise how harsh he's being in the way he goes on at her.

mig mag

tinkerbell wrote: »

You said yourself that you need to lose some weight ... to be honest, your boyfriend is trying to get you to lose weight BUT he is going about it the wrong way by acting like that. But seriously, you're trying to lose weight and you're eating sausage, egg and beans for breakfast? Come on, that's not eating properly.

You say you get on great when you don't talk about weight. How about you talk to him, and explain how awful it's making you feel and that all you need is encouragement, not to be dictated to.

Think you might be being a bit harsh on the girl (about her weight) and way too easy on the boyfriend. He told her he didn't want her to meet his parents looking like that!!
Definately not something I would take lightly!
Sausage and egg for brekkie now wnd then.....NOT A SIN especially on your birthday

vicecreamsundae

i can't believe what an asshole your boyfriend. saying he'd wouldn't introduce you to his parents looking how you do is INCREDIBLE. and putting this huge pressure on you to work out and diet is really sick, he is trying to control your life and thinks he has some kind of ownership over your body, it's disgusting.

i can't get over the amount of people responding with "it sounds like he is just concerned for your health" -what complete bull****. it;s called emotional abuse.

please dump him.. as for how, i guess it depends. you seem worried about some of your things that are at his house, as thought you're unsure how he'll react. if there are certain valuable things at his house that you'd be worrried about him keeping/getting rid off, then yeah i'd recommend subtley picking those up before tell him to get lost! but as for how you actually dump it, i guess that's up to you. personally i would go for an old fashion "**** you!" kind of dumping. none of this "it's not you it's me" nonsense. he is being a dickhead, and i would tell him where to go and why.

C_J

tinkerbell wrote: »

^^ Err I'm sorry but size 14-16 is NOT healthy nor is it a "gorgeous figure". I don't understand how people these days think that 14-16 is "curvy" when it's not. "Curvy" = hourglass figure, small waist, a rounded bum and boobs. This is not a size 14-16. The OP's boyfriend is going about it the wrong way but he is trying to get his girlfriend to be healthier.

The OP said that when not talking about weight, they get on great. She just needs to tell him how upset it makes her feel and explain to him how he can help her get into shape. But seriously, if the OP's boyfriend is encouraging her to lose weight and she's off eating a fry-up for breakfast, no wonder he is getting annoyed about it.

I'm sorry if this causes offence but imo some of what's said here is complete bull. Firstly, her bf obviously can't find op too unhealthy or overweight since he got together with her when she was the same size she is now. If something has changed, that's his problem not hers.
And as for him getting annoyed that she had a fry for breakfast on her birthday - who is he to say what she can or can't eat and be annoyed if it doesn't fit in with what he wants?

In my opinion, it doesn't sound so much like he is "encouraging" her to lose weight, more like bullying her. Anyone who wants to lose weight has to do it because they actually want to not because somone else thinks they should.

OP, that's a horrible situation. You're the only one who can figure out what will make you happy.....and once you know that you'll be on your way!:)

Also, sorry but that comment about not introducing you to his parents looking like that - it's disgusting and completely uncalled for. It makes my blood boil:mad: He's perfect in every way I am assuming???!

Pyridine

I don't normally give personnal issues advice, and probably for good reason, but to answer your question: walk up to him and tell him he's a pr1ck and that it's over! Short and sweet. Then never answer the phone to him or meet him again.

If you've discussed his obsession with your weight already and how hurts you and he persists it's not going to change!

This guy is a knob, is treating you like a fool and if you stay with him and you loose the weight it'll be something else, like your hair colour/style, the clothes you wear etc.

KiLLeR CoUCh

tinkerbell wrote: »

^^ Err I'm sorry but size 14-16 is NOT healthy nor is it a "gorgeous figure". I don't understand how people these days think that 14-16 is "curvy" when it's not. "Curvy" = hourglass figure, small waist, a rounded bum and boobs. This is not a size 14-16. The OP's boyfriend is going about it the wrong way but he is trying to get his girlfriend to be healthier.

Who are you to say it's not healthy? The OP said she was 5'8", as am I and a size 14. My BMI is in the normal range and I think I look and eat very well. Perhaps the OP looks fantastic and her OH is controlling for the sake of being controlling, or maybe she's shaped like a sack of flour and does need the trips to the gym, either way it doesn't change the fact her OH is being an utter moron about it.

OP, if I were you I'd drop this guy very quickly. It's one thing to want to support you to become healthier but this isn't support. If he wants a catwalk model to bring home to his parents tell him good luck finding one.

tenchi-fan

Latchy wrote: »

Hmmm ....Boyfriend sounds like a bit of control freak using your weight issue to control tbh

got it in one!

OP at the moment I don't think you have enough confidence to be able to break up with this man. Weight was obviously a bit of an issue for you and he played on it in the guise of helping you. He's so "caring" that you'll feel obliged to explain yourself to him when you choose to break up, and he'll say all he wanted to do was help you, but he will never mention your weight again if you give him another chance.

It will always come back around to the weight, and if it's not the weight it will be something else.

I feel so bad for you because my brother is doing something similar with his girlfriend. His gf is a doctor and she is made feel grateful to my brother (who has no qualifications and hasn't had a proper job in years) for going out with her by constant digs about her weight.

You can do better. When you're breaking up with him I wouldn't even mention weight - just say you don't love him, you don't feel right with him and you would like a clean break. Then if you like, join a group like weightwatchers who will give you support rather than criticism, or if you have a friend you can join the gym with her.

Wibbs

Sounds like he's a fixer upper or improver type. Get someone then start breaking them down and trying to build them up in their own image of what they wanted in the first place. More commonly aimed at some of the ladies as a failing, but men can be much worse when they have this mindset.

Like the others said, if he wasn't attracted to your wieght, what the hell was he doing going out with you? To take sesna's comparison with navy seals. :rolleyes: The navy seals aren't going to ask a scrawny unfit git like me to train with them. They'd take one look and go thanks but no thanks. They would hardly waste time trying to make me fit their way. Dead right too.

I had an ex way back who barely 2 months in was coming out with "cut your hair, shave, change careers, put on weight, I don't like this or that friend of yours". My internal thoughts after the first couple of times of this are not fit to print in an open medium. I chilled and simply scraped her off.

I came to the conclusion that it was all about control. She would never be happy, even if I bent over and followed her instructions to the letter. She sought out situations where there would always be this dynamic going on. Indeed the guy after me did follow her instructions and visibly changed. She dumped him and went off with another poor bastard "fixer upper".

This sounds like similar, at least in the control part. If he comes out with the "I saw a diamond in the rough and wanted to help" BS you'll know it for sure. We all want those we love to be best that they can be, but most of all be happy doing that. If he cant see that, then find a man who can.

LegacyUser

I think you've done everything you could possibly do in this relationship. You made a compromise and started exercising, but yet that's not enough. Your boyfriend is eroding your self esteem. And the clue is in the fact that you're too scared to leave. Maybe you're scared of leaving him because he has you believing you're not attractive? He's a pure control freak, no other term for it.
What would happen if god forbid you married this man and had children by him? You'd spend the rest of your life feeling unattractive and trying to match up to whatever image of perfection this idiot has in his head!


Get your self esteem and belief back, girl. Run and don't look back!

Anna23

Thanks for all the advice. Just to clarify a few things, I have spoken to him about how annoying it is to constantly talk about my weight, he of course said he will never mention this again, not even 24 hours later we were back to the same issue. So after a while I just gave up saying anything, as it was going in one ear and coming back the other. Just in the last couple of weeks, it got me really down, and all I do is concentrate on what I put in my mouth. I feel like there is no point in wasting time with him, some of the things that have been said in these posts are exactly what he has been saying, so typical!

I even said to him myself that once I achieve a perfect size 10 (ideal size for him actually is size 8, but wouldn't ask me to do that as its 2 drastic) then he will move onto something else that he doesn't like, of course again he said that the only issue he has with me is my weight. :rolleyes:

Also he keeps saying he loves me, and I don't know what to believe anymore!

entropi

Anna23 wrote: »

Also he keeps saying he loves me, and I don't know what to believe anymore!

What you should believe is your own gut feeling about this. He sees you what, two days a week? and he expects you to follow his "orders" about losing weight while he hardly even sees you? After reading your posts I'm of the sound conclusion that he is a tool, he does NOT deserve you and you should get rid of...you deserve someone who loves you for who you are, not what they try and make you into.

All this gym business, if it benefits YOU, then thats all good but quite simply you can enjoy life without it and without the hassle and without the emotional blackmail he is inflicting on you by the way he keeps saying he "loves" you...