Still a virgin in my twenties.

LegacyUser

I wasn't sure wheter to post this here or in the Ladies Lounge, but here it goes.

I am a 23 year old girl, and I am still a virgin. I am not a supermodel, but I am not exactly unatractive either, and it has nothing to do with religious beliefs or anything like that.

For a few year now I have been suffering from depression/anxiety, and I pretty much had to focus all my energy on getting out of bed in the morinings, so I ended up isolating myself and having no social life outside of a few close friends.

Now I think I'm starting to get better, I am becoming more interested in sex and guys again (or trying to, at least), and I feel like a weirdo because most people my age have had boyfriends/sex-partners whether I had none.

I feel like I literally missed out on that part of life, and when I tell people I am a virgin at 23, it freaks them out, especially guys (even my GP was openly shocked when I told him, and asked me if I was serious).

So what do you think I should do? Any advice on how to approach the subject with guys that won't send them running for the hills?

And guys, would it really bother you if a girl in her twenties told you she was a virgin?

Thanks.

MagicSean

Holy_Mary wrote: »

I wasn't sure wheter to post this here or in the Ladies Lounge, but here it goes.

I am a 23 year old girl, and I am still a virgin. I am not a supermodel, but I am not exactly unatractive either, and it has nothing to do with religious beliefs or anything like that.

For a few year now I have been suffering from depression/anxiety, and I pretty much had to focus all my energy on getting out of bed in the morinings, so I ended up isolating myself and having no social life outside of a few close friends.

Now I think I'm starting to get better, I am becoming more interested in sex and guys again (or trying to, at least), and I feel like a weirdo because most people my age have had boyfriends/sex-partners whether I had none.

I feel like I literally missed out on that part of life, and when I tell people I am a virgin at 23, it freaks them out, especially guys (even my GP was openly shocked when I told him, and asked me if I was serious).

So what do you think I should do? Any advice on how to approach the subject with guys that won't send them running for the hills?

And guys, would it really bother you if a girl in her twenties told you she was a virgin?

Thanks.

I'd think it was great. The problem is that the first time is usually crap due to pain and awkwardness and they don't want to be responsable for giving you a bad lay. But if you are in a good relationship with someone it shouldn't matter to them unless they are very shallow.

Emme

That was very insensitive of your GP. If you want to be a virgin at 23 that's your choice. Lots of people would think it was a good thing. There's nothing wrong with you and many would commend you for your high standards.

If and when you do decide it's time to lose your virginity make sure it's special and don't rush into it just for the sake of it. Guys shouldn't judge you on your past (or lack of a past) and if they do they're probably not right for you.

Take it easy and don't rush into anything. Good luck.

Quality

I think that is really unprofessional of your GP.

I dont think that being a virgin at your age is anything to be ashamed of, If I were you I would be proud of the fact.

Anyhow, I wouldnt worry about it too much cause as the saying goes, Once you pop, you can't stop. You will make up for it when the time is right.

Dont presurize yourself into it. Do it when it is right for you and not just for the sake of losing it.

It will make all the difference if you enjoy it and its with someone you have feelings about.

Abi

Holy_Mary wrote: »

I wasn't sure wheter to post this here or in the Ladies Lounge, but here it goes.

I am a 23 year old girl, and I am still a virgin. I am not a supermodel, but I am not exactly unatractive either, and it has nothing to do with religious beliefs or anything like that.

For a few year now I have been suffering from depression/anxiety, and I pretty much had to focus all my energy on getting out of bed in the morinings, so I ended up isolating myself and having no social life outside of a few close friends.

Now I think I'm starting to get better, I am becoming more interested in sex and guys again (or trying to, at least), and I feel like a weirdo because most people my age have had boyfriends/sex-partners whether I had none.

I feel like I literally missed out on that part of life, and when I tell people I am a virgin at 23, it freaks them out, especially guys (even my GP was openly shocked when I told him, and asked me if I was serious).

If he said that, it would make him highly unprofessional.

So what do you think I should do? Any advice on how to approach the subject with guys that won't send them running for the hills?

And guys, would it really bother you if a girl in her twenties told you she was a virgin?

Thanks.

Theres nothing wrong with being a virgin at twenty three, and there are people a lot older than you that are virgins too. Its not something I would just drop into conversation if I were you though, some people can be incredibly insensitive about these things.

Others opinions may differ from my own here, but I don't think I'd mention being a virgin to a guy straight off, why should you? Getting to know a guy, and seeing how well things go is the first port of call. If you feel that its heading in a more intimate direction, then I'd have a bit of a chat with him. Its not that its something shameful, its something personal, so it should be only adminstered on a need-to-know basis.

You do need to try stop obsessing about this, and focus on getting your social life back on course. I think the rest will fall into place you soon enough.

Dazd_N_Confusd

If a guy is genuinely interested in you then it shouldn't be a problem. If it is then they're not worth it basically. If I met a 23 year old virgin I would be very surprised but that's simply down to societal expectations and not because there's something 'wrong' with you.

For example I myself wouldn't care but then again I don't class myself as being your typical average bloke. Take it at your own pace and if you meet someone who has a problem with it, move on.

Also, no one needs to know your a virgin. You say that guys have been surprised in the past when you told them. I don't know how many others you told but it's not like you gotta tell a guy when your talking to him in a pub!

It's a private matter and a decent bloke should be able to deal with it if/when it arises.

LegacyUser

Hey dont worry about it Im a 21yr old male and Im still a virgin and intend to remain one until I meet the woman who I love and plan to spend the rest of my life with (not for religious reasons and wouldnt rule out remaining one till marriage depending on my future circumstances). Anyway just be glad you didnt give it away stupidly or in a way that you would have regretted.

As for the males opinion I think if your in a loving relationship which is based on more than physical/sexual attraction he would totally understand and more than likely see it as a plus. While on the other hand if your looking for a short-term fling to see what youve been missing I would assume the guys would be less considerate. It depends on what your looking for. Also I wouldnt recommend telling anyone unless your sure you want to sleep with them. None of my mates know I havn't "done it" and I dont intend on them finding out (its not that Im ashamed I just believe its a personal issue and couldnt be botherd listening to all the slagging and questions etc.)

So ya, good luck.

LegacyUser

Hi OP

I was in the same position as you at 23, and I'm not exactly ugly - I always get compliments on my looks - and I think I have a good personality as I have lots of good friends. I was a bit overweight until I was 20 so lacked confidence with guys which I only developed in my early twenties. I dated a couple of guys briefly in college but wasn't that pushed on sleeping with them simply because I didn't really like them that much! However, when I got to my 23rd birthday I was seriously upset about it and ended up having a summer fling and lost it then without telling the guy in question that I was a virgin.

The thing is though is that there are a fair few virgins in their 20s, it's just that no one really talks about it. Since I lost my virginity I subsequently found out that a few of my close friends were in their early-mid twenties when they lost theirs and even found out about other friends of friends who were also in that situation. And trust me, these girls are not ugly! I can even think of 4 girls that I know now who are still virgins in their late twenties and no one would know. These girls are good looking and successful but they just haven't met anyone special yet.

I think virginity is a subject that alot of people lie about. Even now if I'm seeing someone and the subject comes up of 'what age were you?' I shave off a few years, which I know is a bit silly but it shows that plenty of people lie about it. When I first met my best friend when we were 18, she insinuated that she wasn't a virgin. Only years later when we became better friends did she tell me that she was actually 21 when she did it.

So basically OP, I guarantee you you're not alone. So many people tell little lies about this sort of thing. And don't feel pressure to tell a guy that you are a virgin. If you feel comfortable, by all means tell him, but many girls simply don't tell. Yes the first time can be painful (though for many girls it isn't) but if you don't want to tell him that you are a virgin, maybe say that you haven't been with anyone in a while and ask him to go gently. I do think though that any decent guy won't care at all.

I think it was seriously unprofessional of your GP to be shocked like that. You're 23 not 53!! I think GPs see so many cases of teen pregnancies etc that that nearly becomes the norm for them or something!!

Anyway OP try not to worry. I know it's hard but it will all happen. Many people are in your situation but they just don't talk about it - its really not as unusual as you would think.

Best of luck

LegacyUser

Thanks very much for all the responses, you have been very helpful!

I think I made it sound like I go around telling everyone I'm a virgin, though, and that's definitely not the case, haha (that's why I'm posting on an internet forum anonymously!). I have only told people when it was relevant.

About the GP: You are right, his response surprised me and I also thought that it wasn't very professional of him, which is another thing that kinda got me into thinking that if a doctor was surprised, I really must be a weirdo and the only virgin left on Earth. I am quite relieved to find out that there are/were quite a few of us.

As for not telling a guy and just going though with it...wouldn't he notice? I mean, I guess you can tell if someone doesn't have a lot of experience, and if there was lots of pain/bleeding, surely it woudn't be fair to a guy if he didn't know?

pookie82

I didn't have sex until I was well into my twenties. It's not that I didn't have boyfriends or opportunities, I had plenty. I can't really think of a solid reason why I didn't, I suppose as a natural worrier the pregnancy fears would have killed me!

I never really told any of my mates - we weren't a group to talk about our sex lives too much and I think we just all assumed the others were doing it. Only recently I found out that most of them waited as long as I did!

You have nothing at all to be ashamed of or worried about. It's perfectly fine.

I would definitely tell any potential partner though before you have sex. When the time came for me my OH guessed I was a virgin anyway so when I told him it was no shock to him and he was absolutely fine with it (even quite pleased). But the guy you do decide to sleep with should know because it may be necessary for him to go a little gentler on you than he usually might...

There's no reason to hide it whatsoever.

dollybird2

You should be proud of it, I know plenty of girls that would have loved to have remained a virgin until they found someone that meant something to them rather than a grapple in their teens cos everyone else was doing it. Focus on yourself as a person and you will find a man who's worth it and will respect you for who and what you are.

Zaph

OP, from this forum alone I can tell you that you're certainly not alone and there's nothing odd or freakish about you. This is a thread that gets started here on a regular basis, by both sexes, and from the responses they get it appears that there are an awful lot more 20-something virgins out there than you would ever suspect. And the one piece of advice that keeps cropping up is that you shouldn't just go and lose your virginity for the sake of it or because society "expects" it at your age. Have sex when you're ready and comfortable with it.

C_J

It's not strange at all. Losing your virginity is one of the big things in your life and most people will remember the day, where and who of the situation. Don't pressure yourself into having sex with just anyone in order to get it out of the way. People's situations are different. Would you rather have lost your virginity at 17/18 and regret it now or look back in years down the line and be happy that you were ready and have nice memories of it?

Relax and when the time and other person are right it'll feel like a completely natural step.

profitius

A large percentage of the population are virgins in their 20's for various reasons. Most people just don't talk about it and it's no big deal.

Personally I'd much prefer a virgin in her 20's then someone who has seen many beds.

Benincasa

I remember a survey just a few years ago in the Irish Times that indicated that 16% of 25 year olds were virgins. At the time most people were amazed that the figure was so high.

There is a well known psychological phenomenon whereby we tend to overstimate the prevalence of certain behaviours, especially when we live in such a sex-saturated culture. This overestimation then tends to influence our behaviours. This is one of the reasons why there are so many people writing to forums like this worried that they are abnormal for not having had a sexual realtionship by their early twenties.

OP: I think it is great that you are still a virgin and I think that any guy who has a problem with that (or indeed, any guy who is not delighted by that) is really not worth spending time with at all.

bombs away

Have to agree with everyone else here, I think your GP was most unprofessional with their comments and you should probably find a new one. And as a guy no it would'nt bother me if you were a virgin at that age, in fact some guys would probably find it appealing. Don't be in any hurry to lose it either as you will end up losing it to the wrong guy if you do.

pwd

Guys would be put off because either:
- they think you won't put out, if they're purely about sex.
- they feel responsibility, which put them off. Don't want to hurt your feelings, think they should be sure they really like you, if they're going to be your first.

I don't think many would see you as weird, just because you were a virgin.

If a guy already knows he really likes a girl, and he discovers she's a virgin, I can't see him being anything but pleased.
Telling them too early is going to put them off, because it takes time to really like someone.
Take things slow. You don't need to explain yourself if you're not opening your legs on the third date; not unless you gave the impression anywhere that you were going to. Most men respect women who don't make themselves too easy, and are much more likely to view them as girlfriend material. Plenty of people don't want to have sex until it feels right with someone, regardless of how much experience they might have.

The Chessplayer

It's no big deal. I must say, though, it demonstrates considerable restraint. Weird reaction from your doctor, though.

dsmythy

Holy_Mary wrote: »

And guys, would it really bother you if a girl in her twenties told you she was a virgin?

I think you will find that there are many guys who would be absolutely delighted to hear this.

LegacyUser

I'm a 22 year old female and I wish I could have my virginity back!! I lost my virginity at 17 to my then boyfriend, in what I suppose was a sensible way, in that we waited til we had been together a while and stayed together for 2 years. But since then for reasons I won't get into this guy has turned out to be such a scary and almost dangerous human being that it makes me physically sick to think I gave him my virginity.

Since then I have sometimes been too quick to get sexual in a relationship, mostly because I was so used to it from my relationship with my boyfriend that I suppose it felt natural in a way. I have regrets. Its not like I had one night stands or anything but I do have regrets and I think sometimes that I might have had a long and good relationship with one or two of the guys I slept with if I hadn't rushed into sex.

Also, my best friend, who had a lot of the same experiences as me (as in not too successful with guys in school then came into our own confidence and looks wise in college) is 23 and a virgin and I have to say I'm so proud of her for being choosy and having the sense. Recently a guy she was seeing tried to pressure her into sleeping with him and he almost convinced her. I'm so glad she didn't.

Anyway, my point is, seeing things from my 20/20 hindsight, I know now that virginity is such a precious thing, and that a lot of your self respect is tied to it in a way. I'm ashamed of some of my experiences, and proud of my friend for her sense and integrity.

So my point is, be proud. And don't rush into anything. When you find the right guy, he won't care (and as others said will probably love) that you're a virgin. You never hear guys talking about how some girl is such a virgin do you?! But even the best looking girl, if she sleeps around, will be considered to be a slut and guys will talk about that. So be proud!

All the best.

LegacyUser

Hiya,
interested as to why men would be delighted to meet a virgin or be the one who a girl loses her virginity to?
Is this cos she won't have high expectations, therefore less pressure on you to perform or satisfy her? Or is it a genuine compliment that a girl likes you enough to lose it to? Or what... I'm really interested as to why lads would be happy meeting a virgin?

Lads, explain please? thanks! :-)

and, OP: fair play to you, you'll meet someone lovely and you'll be glad you waited!!

Miss Understanding

You know hun, I had sex with a guy the first time when I was 26 or 27. I know experiences differ but believe me no-one can rightly judge you for what you have or havent done. The best you can do is hav a well thought out belief system that is your own.

I think trusting yourself will stand you in great stead, especially since depression makes us feel like life is all wrong. Realise your own power - to judge and choose whats right for you.


I have no doubt that you will have a healthy and happy life with the spirit of enquiry you have shown.

LegacyUser

Op, hate to be blunt but if thats your GP's attitude then he/she is a prize wanker. Unbelievable. Like a few other posters here, I'd prefer a girl who was a virgin than one who boasts about sleeping in a different bed every weekend. I'm a guy who didnt lose my virginity til I was 26, didnt think it would ever happen. Dont worry about it, it will just happen like its meant to. Chin up.

Loads of people are in the same boat, OP. I was almost 21, and it could have easily been later, as I didn't even feel ready then, TBH. I also felt very pressured from the least likely sources, like my GP being shocked when I said I was a virgin (I'd been called for a smear test and turned up as I didn't realise cervical cancer was sex related) and pretty much saying it was unusual for a 20 year old to be a virgin. It was just an observation on her part but it made me feel a bit of a freak. As did my mother not believing I was really on the Pill for for acne, she thought it was a cover. So I was thinking 'great, my own mother thinks there's no way I can be that sad.' I look back and see how silly I was for thinking like that, especially since I've had non-stop issues with pre-cancerous cervical cells ever since. I know that last bit is just bad luck, but I kind of miss not having to worry about anything like that. It's not that sex isn't great, but in my experience, it can bring a hell of a lot of stress as well.

As for guys noticing, the first guy I was with didn't know and didn't notice. He had no idea at all. I don't recommend that though, and I feel stupid that I didn't just tell him. I've never known a guy who would be bothered in any way if a girl was a virgin.

arsenallegend

Don't worry OP i'm still a virgin and i'm a few years older then you. Simply put i have had the chance but simply chickened out either i was afraid of been bad or the Girl i was with i didn't really like. I'm waiting for the one very well known phase i know but i rather not give it away on a one night stand. so don't be down about it you don't need to be rushed.

LegacyUser

Im 25 and a virgin. I had a long term boyfriend but for various reasons it didnt happen - not for lack of trying.

Does it get me down sometimes? Yes
Do I feel like im missing out? Yes
BUT its a small part of my life. It doesnt make me any less of a person, any less fun, any less attractive, any less of a woman.

I do get a bit sad when I think about it, but Im not going to just go out and sleep with any randomer to "get rid of it". Ill admit I was tempted when I broke up with my ex, but I know id regret it.

Ive waited this long. Im sure it will happen eventually with the right person. I dont expect some big magical moment or anything, but Im not a fan of even kissing randomers so I cant imagine sleeping with them.

I know it sounds weird to some people Theres a big part of me that wishes it was "over with" because I feel like a bit of a freak. but I have to believe that it will happen when Im ready for it.

I hope this helps you know that youre not the only person in the situation, and that theres nothing wrong with it.

LegacyUser

OP I was 21 when I lost it earlier this year, and this definitely wasn't for a lack of male attention or even relationships. I also have a lot of friends who still haven't done it, and some of them would be very good looking. This isn't because they're ugly or even waiting for the one or any of that rubbish, they just haven't had a convenient time and the same happened with me.
Definitely from my point of view I don't believe in "saving" it or it being a gift or a present or something to keep till marraige, but I do believe that you should wait for someone, boyfriend or not, that you are completely comfortable with and can have a laugh with should things go wrong rather then you just feeling embarrassed. Most guys will be delighted if you tell them rather then awkwardly pretending you're not, as long as you're willing to get them to teach you and to try new things. Just make sure you're comfortable enough with each other to tell him in the first place, and don't treat it like it's a giant present or anything and he should be really thankful unless it's someone really religious. I'd say that puts more pressure on the relationship then necessary!

bombs away

can_I_ask? wrote: »

Hiya,
interested as to why men would be delighted to meet a virgin or be the one who a girl loses her virginity to?
Is this cos she won't have high expectations, therefore less pressure on you to perform or satisfy her? Or is it a genuine compliment that a girl likes you enough to lose it to? Or what... I'm really interested as to why lads would be happy meeting a virgin?
Lads, explain please? thanks! :-)
and, OP: fair play to you, you'll meet someone lovely and you'll be glad you waited!!

Cant speak for other guys but for me personally it's rare to find a girl with the integrity to hold on to her virginity and who won't allow herself to be pressured in that way.

Everyone seems to be so hung up on it that if you don't do it before you finish your teens your some sort of freak which could'nt be further from the truth in my opinion.

I think losing your virginity is very important for girls (far more so than for guys in my opinion) so being with a girl who entrusts you with that type of responsibility is attractive.

LegacyUser

can_I_ask? wrote: »

Hiya,
interested as to why men would be delighted to meet a virgin or be the one who a girl loses her virginity to?
Is this cos she won't have high expectations, therefore less pressure on you to perform or satisfy her? Or is it a genuine compliment that a girl likes you enough to lose it to? Or what... I'm really interested as to why lads would be happy meeting a virgin?

Lads, explain please? thanks! :-)

and, OP: fair play to you, you'll meet someone lovely and you'll be glad you waited!!

Ok if u ask me guys characterise all women into 1 of 2 groups

1. the girl you want to spend the night with and

2.the girl you want to marry.

the first would ideally be a girl who is super hot (in a more outwardly sleazy slutty way like the types found in clubs as described earlier) these are all about looks and sex and absolutely no emotional connection. this is the ideal but for guys who are into 1 night stands it also includes any chick who will sleep with them,

In group two they are looking for someone with a little more dignity integrity and self respect. (someone who doesnt sleep around) More interested in a more classy woman who have their head well screwed on and are reliable and one of the best way of showing this is to be a virgin.

Dudess

But a lot of guys don't think in such terms, thank god...

entropi

guy-2010 wrote: »

Ok if u ask me guys characterise all women into 1 of 2 groups

1. the girl you want to spend the night with and

2.the girl you want to marry.

Well here's where you get proven wrong: I dont characterise women, never have and never will. If it feels good...no if it feels right being with a certain woman, then thats how its gonna be.

the first would ideally be a girl who is super hot (in a more outwardly sleazy slutty way like the types found in clubs as described earlier) these are all about looks and sex and absolutely no emotional connection. this is the ideal but for guys who are into 1 night stands it also includes any chick who will sleep with them

Not necesarily, but the shallower the person, the more reliable your post gets.

In group two they are looking for someone with a little more dignity integrity and self respect. (someone who doesnt sleep around) More interested in a more classy woman who have their head well screwed on and are reliable and

Not all the time no, some people do it for the sake of doing it, some others do it due to pressures of having an unplanned child with the woman, or one of many other various reasons.

one of the best way of showing this is to be a virgin.

No it is not. Dignity, integrity and self respect have nothing to do with sexual habit.

Dudess wrote: »

But a lot of guys don't think in such terms, thank god...

Thankfully...we dont all want to be tarred with that brush!:)


And now to the OP, have no worry whatsoever about being virgin at 23. Sure I was 22 or 23 myself when I lost it, and I see countless threads pop up here about people being virgin up all the way into their thirties. When you feel it is right to give it away, then it'll feel right and worth so much more than giving it to some randomer who you'll never see again.

The way things usually go, you always remember your first proper kiss, and your first time having a good sexual encounter. Oh and if a woman told me I was her first, I would take things slow and easy with her during sex and make her first time a more pleasureable and enjoyable one. Its only fair:)