Coping with a break up

m@cc@

It's amazing what a couple of days clarity and an internet messageboard can do for you. (I just had a footlong sub for lunch too so the appetite is back )

I've been thinking even about the decision to come to Australia. She always said it was because it was my ambition to live in Australia for a while but I felt it was 6 months too soon and we hadn't enough money. But in hindsight, there were no projects for her to work on in Europe and there were possibly ones in Oceania. We even said we might have to go to New Zealand 3 months in if she was asked. It makes me wonder, would we even have went to Oz if it hadn't suited her career? I just trusted her and believed what she said.

Also she said she was sick of having to be the risk taker. She hasn't taken as many risks as I thought. It was a risk making an ultimatum about our us remaining FBs - the bigger risk would be continuing as FB, she didn't have that much to lose except face. It wasn't a risk moving to Oz - the alternative was going back to the UK which she didn't want. It's a risk splitting up with me - not if your career is what you want.
I've actually been the risk taker, sacrificing my life and career for love.

She said I need to work out what I want from life. I actually know what I want, a home, family and career. All she knows is that she wants her career for the forseeable future.

It is actually amazing how full of shit she is.


Does this mean I've moved from backwards from bargaining to anger?

Apres Moi

I had a burger. Nom noms all round! The old grieving process isn't much of a straight line. There's quite a bit of back and forth methinks.

littlefriend

m@cc@ wrote: »

Does this mean I've moved from backwards from bargaining to anger?

NO, you are doing really well. You are benefiting from having a little distance from the situation. Onwards and upwards!

sporina

Hey OP.


I feel you pain. But you know, even though you had plans etc, people change with time and circumstances..

I sounds like ye just grew apart...

Ye have different priorities... and perhaps she really does not love you anymore... or love it not her priority..

you need to get her go - but this will take time - you need to grieve - and no it will not be a linear curve - the grieving process is not linear - and different for everyone.

but you need to be good to you -have some fun. Do you have mates over there? Go out, get pissed - do a bungie jump - what ever..

but let her go - ye are not right for one another.. you deserve someone who is happy with you for who you are.. who wants the family etc - take care

Barracudaincork

Hey OP,

Just wanted to say well done you, you are doing so well and when i read your post i wanted to punch the air and say "whao, go you man"!

Anger is not necessarily a bad thing and its part of the process. Its great you have so many friends supporting you, your family supporting you emotionally and financially and of course Team Boards who will do our level best to get you through this!

Keep on truckin'

m@cc@

Just to update you, I went back to the apartment and grabbed the rest of my stuff (I knew she wouldn't be there) and on the mat was a letter (no envelope) from the letting company saying if she didn't pay up by 10am in the morning, access to the apartment would be denied. I was sorely tempted to sort it out for her, but no, I kept walking. I guess my organisation, budgeting and planning wasn't all bad.

I just feel like I've got my desire for life and the fire in my belly back. My anger isn't even so much at her, it's at myself for letting her make me doubt myself and my intentions. I'm even starting to research doing further study when I get back whereas at the weekend I had no idea how I was even going to continue my life. I know that there are still a lot of big hurdles to overcome but when it comes, at least I won't feel like it'll kill me.

I think this forum is an excellent place and you've no idea how comforting it was to see other people have been in similar situations. I guess I may be a regular poster offering my pearls of wisdom in the future.

sporina

fabulous - best of luck - and you know where we are... s

AngelinaJolie

Wow - I could have written this post OP. I'm going pretty much the same thing, but from a female perspective of course. I followed my boyfriend of 8 years to his home town, and our relationship has subsquently gone into meltdown, largely due to the fact that he doesn't want the same things as I want -settling down, actually functioning together as a couple, rather than two individuals that are sharing a house. It is very difficult for me not to feel bitter and not to blame him for my woes. It is also very difficult for me to see a way forward and away from him. Like you, our lives are intertwined, and I have made sacrifices for him but he hasn't done the same for me. He instigated a break-up but we are still living in the same house, and in many ways it's not like we have split at all. I know I'm not doing myself any favours by acting this way but it's because I still have so much affection for him. Nevertheless I realise that he is dragging me down and the situation is not good for me at all. I too hold on to the hope that we might reunite having spent some time apart, but I'm gradually beginning to realise that he will not come around to see my point of view, and I ain't getting any younger so if I want to achieve the things I want to achieve, it would be best to think of this as a permanent split. Would love to hear about how you are doing now- maybe you could be my inspiration to finally move on!

m@cc@

AngelinaJolie wrote: »

Wow - I could have written this post OP. I'm going pretty much the same thing, but from a female perspective of course. I followed my boyfriend of 8 years to his home town, and our relationship has subsquently gone into meltdown, largely due to the fact that he doesn't want the same things as I want -settling down, actually functioning together as a couple, rather than two individuals that are sharing a house. It is very difficult for me not to feel bitter and not to blame him for my woes. It is also very difficult for me to see a way forward and away from him. Like you, our lives are intertwined, and I have made sacrifices for him but he hasn't done the same for me. He instigated a break-up but we are still living in the same house, and in many ways it's not like we have split at all. I know I'm not doing myself any favours by acting this way but it's because I still have so much affection for him. Nevertheless I realise that he is dragging me down and the situation is not good for me at all. I too hold on to the hope that we might reunite having spent some time apart, but I'm gradually beginning to realise that he will not come around to see my point of view, and I ain't getting any younger so if I want to achieve the things I want to achieve, it would be best to think of this as a permanent split. Would love to hear about how you are doing now- maybe you could be my inspiration to finally move on!

Whoa, this may be too soon for me to comment on but I'll give it a go and others can tear me to shreds.


Yes, you know what, you might end up falling into each others arms if you live in the same house. But that will only be because of proximity and convenience rather than meaning you belong together. And will that prevent the same thing happening again 6 months down the line? No. You need to get out of there ASAP and take some time out for yourself. You need to take a long hard look at the last 8 years and ask yourself who made the decisions in your relationship and are they always made taking you into consideration.

If he is instigating the break up, he might even be playing mind games to try to force you to live the life he wants. If you're anything like me, you're probably even considering giving up the things you want just to be with him. But one person will not ultimately satisfy you in life no matter how much you love and adore them.

Feel free to PM me.

m@cc@

Just having a bit of a wobble at the moment. Have been thinking about what I want to do for myself now with my life and I've decided I want to do further study (Masters) either full-time or part-time. But in my own fecked up way, I'm considering doing it in Melbourne, a huge part of it because I can be close to her, even though there is no guarantee how long she'll be in Melbourne.

I guess my fear is that maybe we are on the same path in life, we just at different junctions. I've just been thinking about what if she does want to have kids and a family eventually but just isn't thinking that way at the moment. It'll kill me no matter who I'm with (at least I feel that way now) if she does end up wanting the same things I do. Granted, there's more to this than just that, it's also that my life is drifting. But I'm feeling if I go back to study in an industry that I want to be in, that's surely a positive step.

I do realise in my own head that I'm clutching a straws at this stage. I guess I'm not sure that getting my life back on track necessarily has to mean being apart from her.

LegacyUser

Oh dear OP. As long as you keep shadowing her you'll never get over this break-up.. She has moved on/made it clear its over. Maybe you should re-read some of your older posts to refresh your memory. She has her own agenda, but as long as you keep contact with her she will see you as a fail-safe to fall back on.
Trust me, you don't want to be that kind of slad, a sucker.
You say she was the 1st girl you've ever slept with, so now you have the vacuum to deal with. Your suffering from a 'scarcity' issue i.e. you think she is the only girl worth having..
Theres literally millions of girls out there that are worth a look.
Time to move on buddy, if she wants to re-start things down the line, let her come to you. But even thinking that way is an awful mindset that will hold you back in the long run.
Yes, your in Oz and you've been dumped but get over it before it consumes you.. Give it time and you'll look back wondering what you were even thinking chasing after her.

Victor

been there111 wrote: »

kind of slad, a sucker.

Hi, I'm not sure what the middle word is meant to be, come back to us and we can fix it.

m@cc@

Just to update yous on my situation. I actually have went against the advice on here and have met the ex a few times. It has been emotional and it probably has slowed my progress but I'll give you the latest installment.

She went away on holiday for a week and I have to say, it has been the best week since the breakup. She arrived back early on Saturday morning and I got a phonecall from her on morning to say she'd got back safe. I'd say 'fair enough' and left it at that as I was hungover. She then phoned me later on Saturday night asking why I hadn't phoned her back. I replied 'why would I? You said you were back safe, that's that'. (I was at a party that night and had little desire to get into a discussion) She then phoned me on Sunday crying because I had booked my flights home from Oz without telling her. I said 'you were on holiday, why would I tell you?' She said 'I thought our friendship would mean more to you' I replied 'Listen, if I'm distant towards you, it's because I love you too much to be your friend. You created this situation, deal with it' In the end, out of pity I agreed to meet her.

I told her how I'd been doing and what I'd been doing. About how I'm constantly doing stuff and meeting new people. She said 'it's a shame you didn't do these things when we were together'. I retorted 'Hold on a second, that's has nothing to do with why we've split up. You can go on about these little grievances but the fact is if we wanted the same things from life, these little things could be ironed out. We split up because we're two different people which different outlooks on life' She seemed taken aback by this and then she smiled and said 'You really changed and grown up these past couple of months' 'I've had little choice, I'm on my own now' I replied. In the end, I finished my glass of wine and left to enjoy the rest of my day.

LegacyUser

m@cc@ wrote: »

Just to update yous on my situation. I actually have went against the advice on here and have met the ex a few times. It has been emotional and it probably has slowed my progress but I'll give you the latest installment.

She went away on holiday for a week and I have to say, it has been the best week since the breakup. She arrived back early on Saturday morning and I got a phonecall from her on morning to say she'd got back safe. I'd say 'fair enough' and left it at that as I was hungover. She then phoned me later on Saturday night asking why I hadn't phoned her back. I replied 'why would I? You said you were back safe, that's that'. (I was at a party that night and had little desire to get into a discussion) She then phoned me on Sunday crying because I had booked my flights home from Oz without telling her. I said 'you were on holiday, why would I tell you?' She said 'I thought our friendship would mean more to you' I replied 'Listen, if I'm distant towards you, it's because I love you too much to be your friend. You created this situation, deal with it' In the end, out of pity I agreed to meet her.

I told her how I'd been doing and what I'd been doing. About how I'm constantly doing stuff and meeting new people. She said 'it's a shame you didn't do these things when we were together'. I retorted 'Hold on a second, that's has nothing to do with why we've split up. You can go on about these little grievances but the fact is if we wanted the same things from life, these little things could be ironed out. We split up because we're two different people which different outlooks on life' She seemed taken aback by this and then she smiled and said 'You really changed and grown up these past couple of months' 'I've had little choice, I'm on my own now' I replied. In the end, I finished my glass of wine and left to enjoy the rest of my day.

Well done lad, you did well. You have no reason to meet her again though, so I would advise against it

Flarey

You are suffering from one-itis.
You thought she was the "one."
That's a load of romantic nonsense.
Date twenty more women, sleep with as many as you can and then think back if she was special.
You'll be totally over her.

Move on and don't look back.