Coping with a break up

m@cc@

I've recently split up with my long term girlfriend (3.5 years) 2 weeks ago. We were friends with privleges for a few years before she made the ultimatum. Of course I chose her and my only regret is that I didn't do it sooner.

We've split because she says we've become one person and she doesn't know herself anymore. She says we have become overly dependent on each other and she is right. This breakup has shown me how utterly lost I am without her. She also says I've become very sensible and settled. I just want to have somewhere to call home instead or living out of rented apartments which we can never put our mark on. I just want a foundation.

We still love each other and still find each other attractive. I am finding it really difficult to cope. I'm not eating properly and it's always on my mind. We met yesterday for a chat and it was great. We talked about the break up and that was depressing but afterwards it was if nothing happened. We walked around a few shops but in the pharmacy, she offered to buy me condoms because she said I may need them which kinda threw me. Otherwise, the conversation was easy and we felt at ease with each other. A fella came to sit beside us and after she went home I told him the story and he said "You wouldn't think yous had split up, yous looked totally comfortable together".

Problem is as well that we're in Australia and she has been sponsored whereas I have to leave in 3 months which is another factor in the split. She doesn't rule out us getting back together completely, she says she just wants time to herself. She wanted me to fly home from Australia a couple of days after we broke up but to be honest, I didn't feel it was right to make a decision like that as it seemed hasty. So I moved out and stayed in the same city.

I can't accept we're split up no matter how hard I try and the world seems a very dark place without her. Any advice on how I can move on from here?


EDIT: After reading a few threads, I now see that staying in contact is possibly a bad idea. She says she wants some space and time apart to be single. But I feel that I'd like to keep the communcation channels open for a possible reunion.

She still enjoys meeting me and we still enjoy each others company. And she still cares a great deal for me, even making sure that I ate everything when we met for lunch. She says that she isn't sleeping properly and is always tired. Also she has taken one of my hoodies for her to wear and when I went back to get a few things, there was a photo of us on her locker which wasn't there before. My friend said not to get my hopes up as it's what she says and does that matters. But maybe I'll never fully come to terms with this if we stay in contact? We meet once a week just to hang out at the moment. She is just as enthusiastic to meet up with me as I am with her. In fact, she says she wants to meet up on Sunday for Easter.

As I writing this, I realise that this is maybe why I'm taking it so hard and finding it difficult to move on.

Barracudaincork

IMO she wants to have fun and be single in Australia without you. I dont know of anyone male or female who would break up with someone they love and risk losing that person forever, its to big a risk to take! Would you have done it?

Break all contact and enjoy the rest of your time in Oz is the best advice i can give. You know this as your edits have pointed out, but knowing something and doing it are two different things, you need to do something about it too.

It doesnt seem like this now and i know you may feel my comment will be patronising but, the world will become a brighter place again, just give it some time.

sporina

OMG - you poor thing. And while ye are away and all. You deserve better. Try and break contact and enjoy the rest of your stay. It is not every day you will be in Oz. Take care.

m@cc@

Barracudaincork wrote: »

IMO she wants to have fun and be single in Australia without you. I dont know of anyone male or female who would break up with someone they love and risk losing that person forever, its to big a risk to take! Would you have done it?

Break all contact and enjoy the rest of your time in Oz is the best advice i can give. You know this as your edits have pointed out, but knowing something and doing it are two different things, you need to do something about it too.

It doesnt seem like this now and i know you may feel my comment will be patronising but, the world will become a brighter place again, just give it some time.

Well to put some more flesh on the bones, we left Belfast a year and a half ago as she wanted a change. She is an IT contactor and got a job in Holland. She made it clear she was going with or without me as she needed to get out of Belfast. I thought why not, it'd be a great experience. I struggled at first as I found it tricky getting a job. She said at this time she couldn't talk about our relationship as she didn't want to sap my confidence anymore.

This also happened when we arrived in Oz, as I got a job in Sydney but she got one in Hobart so I followed her down. I didn't get a job when I was in Hobart as was miserable for much of the time as I didn't feel I was contributing. But I didn't mind doing these things as long as we were working towards something. The plan was to go back to live in the south of England and get our own place. I don't want to settle down but I want a home. But then she gets sponsored in Oz and says we want different things. The thing is, I can see her in 4 or 5 years time wanting the kids and house. I don't even want them yet, I just know I want them. People have said to me that I put that on the table far too early but I only answered the question she put to me.

She has also said I need to look at what I want to do with my life instead of following her around. As I write this, I wonder if her moving to Holland was a cowards way of trying to break up with me. I feel like such a weak person as I feel totally abandoned and I can't believe how emotionally and financially dependent I've become with her.

Abi

m@cc@ wrote: »

She has also said I need to look at what I want to do with my life instead of following her around. As I write this, I wonder if her moving to Holland was a cowards way of trying to break up with me. I feel like such a weak person as I feel totally abandoned and I can't believe how emotionally and financially dependent I've become with her.

M@cc@, for your own good break all contact with her. I know you said life is pretty shit without her, but it will get shitter and cause you more hurt in the long run if you stay in touch with her. You clearly have more feelings for her than she does for you. And whats more the above in bold is one of the coldest things I've ever heard. I know you care for her, but she's being quite selfish. If she wanted the best for you, she should just walk away and leave you alone.

Really, letting go this one is the way forward here M@cc@, sorry

Barracudaincork

m@cc@ wrote: »

Well to put some more flesh on the bones, we left Belfast a year and a half ago as she wanted a change. She is an IT contactor and got a job in Holland. She made it clear she was going with or without me as she needed to get out of Belfast. I thought why not, it'd be a great experience. I struggled at first as I found it tricky getting a job. She said at this time she couldn't talk about our relationship as she didn't want to sap my confidence anymore.

When reading this i truly though well looks who wants someone to tag along so they dont feel lonely in a new place, sorry but thats true.

m@cc@ wrote: »

This also happened when we arrived in Oz, as I got a job in Sydney but she got one in Hobart so I followed her down.

Why wouldnt she get one in Syndey where you both could of worked and therefore there would of been less stress etc

m@cc@ wrote: »

I don't want to settle down but I want a home. But then she gets sponsored in Oz and says we want different things. The thing is, I can see her in 4 or 5 years time wanting the kids and house. I don't even want them yet, I just know I want them. People have said to me that I put that on the table far too early but I only answered the question she put to me.

You didnt put your cards on the table to early, you wanted what you wanted and you needed to know if its what she wants, regardless of who asked the question or when it was asked it doesnt change the answer, from either of you. Regardless of what you see in 4-5 years time, you have to look at today!

m@cc@ wrote: »

She has also said I need to look at what I want to do with my life instead of following her around. As I write this, I wonder if her moving to Holland was a cowards way of trying to break up with me.

Not a nice thing to say tbh, this gives the impression you werent a couple who made decisions together and maybe this is true. Only you know the answer to that. As for the cowards way, yes it could of been just as much as it could not have been, only she knows and you or anyone else would only be second guessing.

m@cc@ wrote: »

I feel like such a weak person as I feel totally abandoned and I can't believe how emotionally and financially dependent I've become with her.

You are not weak, in fact you are strong, IMO weak people are the ones who dont give their heart to someone else, you were strong enough to do this and take all the risks involved, weak people aren't!

m@cc@

Some tough but fair advice here. I should also add that not only were we together for 3.5 years but we lived together for 7.5 years (as housemates previously) so really as friends with privleges. We've lived together since we were 19 so basically since I was an adult (I'm still a long way off behaving like one ) She says she forced me into the relationship as she gave me an ultimatum. But I've told her this is BS, she forced me to make a decision.

She has said there's every chance she could be making the biggest mistake of her life but she wants to continue travelling. I said I'd be happy to do that but I don't want to go down the road and in 2 years time be in the exact same situation. I feel my friends are filling my head with poison like 'if yous still love each other, you need to fight for her' I want to fight for her but she hasn't budged an inch or suggested a compromise. In fact, in reflection, she has never made any big compromise. She has supported me financially. She said that we only went to Australia because it had always been my dream but I didn't really want to go when we did. I didn't feel we had enough money saved.

She has said she is sick of having to be the one to challenge us. But as I see it, she hasn't stepped up to the challenge I put to her of going home and settling. Instead she is doing her own thing. Her career is great, she makes a lot of money and gets to travel and meet interesting people. I guess the danger is, will she ever want to settle whilst she's enjoying this.


btw guys, thanks for your words. I think the advice here is better than what my friends have said as you guys have the clarity of not knowing either party.

Abi

m@cc@ wrote: »

She has said there's every chance she could be making the biggest mistake of her life but she wants to continue travelling.

And I suppose you're to sit around and wait for her to make up her mind?

She has said she is sick of having to be the one to challenge us.

That doesn't make sense, why is she doing it at all?

I guess the danger is, will she ever want to settle whilst she's enjoying this.

She wants all this, and keeping you dangling in case it all falls to shit. Very selfish imo.

btw guys, thanks for your words. I think the advice here is better than what my friends have said as you guys have the clarity of not knowing either party.

I'd say your friends are just holding back on what they can see for themselves, because you're already going through so much - I'm sure they mean well though.

m@cc@

Abitar wrote: »

That doesn't make sense, why is she doing it at all?

I meant as in life challenges as opposed to relationship challenges.

Something that I've just thought about. She always made me feel that she thought she loved me more than I loved her. She said the other day that I will always need a woman around and implied that I'm in love with a relationship as much as her. I thought that was very ****ing harsh considering the sacrifices I've made for her. But it kills me to think that she wasn't sure that I loved her or found her attractive because of how we started out (the ultimatum).

Barracudaincork

m@cc@ wrote: »

Something that I've just thought about. She always made me feel that she thought she loved me more than I loved her. She said the other day that I will always need a woman around and implied that I'm in love with a relationship as much as her. I thought that was very ****ing harsh considering the sacrifices I've made for her. But it kills me to think that she wasn't sure that I loved her or found her attractive because of how we started out (the ultimatum).

Well of course she is going to say that, in doing so you look like the baddie who never loved her as much as she loved you and she is the hard done by girlfriend who gave you her all rah rah rah etc etc etc Dont believe a work of it! If you do believe it then i ask you, would you of told her 18 months ago you are leaving Belfast, with or without her?

Abi

m@cc@ wrote: »

I meant as in life challenges as opposed to relationship challenges.

Something that I've just thought about. She always made me feel that she thought she loved me more than I loved her. She said the other day that I will always need a woman around and implied that I'm in love with a relationship as much as her. I thought that was very ****ing harsh considering the sacrifices I've made for her.

Planet mind games, she rules. She knows she has the upper hand in this situation, no doubt about it. You're right you did nothing but sacrifice for her, you did in fact follow her wherever she went - because you do care for her. Making sacrifices for someone you love is a bad thing now? She made you even feel bad for doing that.. amazing.

But it kills me to think that she wasn't sure that I loved her or found her attractive because of how we started out (the ultimatum).

More crap shes thrown at you. But you moved on from that, and began a relationship with her. If that is not evidence to the contrary, I don't know what is.

Look the way I see it is, she'll have an excuse for everything and you're wasting your time. I know this is a bitter pill to swallow, but shes giving you the 'treat 'em mean' - just enough to keep you within reach for whenever suits her.

Sorry if the above sounds harsh, but lets call a spade a spade. How can you get on with your life if shes clearly calling all the shots M@cc@ ?

m@cc@

Abitar wrote: »

Planet mind games, she rules. She knows she has the upper hand in this situation, no doubt about it. You're right you did nothing but sacrifice for her, you did in fact follow her wherever she went - because you do care for her. Making sacrifices for someone you love is a bad thing now? She made you even feel bad for doing that.. amazing.


More crap shes thrown at you. But you moved on from that, and began a relationship with her. If that is not evidence to the contrary, I don't know what is.

Look the way I see it is, she'll have an excuse for everything and you're wasting your time. I know this is a bitter pill to swallow, but shes giving you the 'treat 'em mean' - just enough to keep you within reach for whenever suits her.

Sorry if the above sounds harsh, but lets call a spade a spade. How can you get on with your life if shes clearly calling all the shots M@cc@ ?

I'm glad to have confirmed what I suspected. If saying I want her when she made the ultimatum and following her to Holland doesn't confirm my love, what exactly would I have to do to confirm it?

I regret us being '**** buddies' for so long. I messed her about in that sense. But **** me, I was immature. I wasn't ready to commit. I can't be held accountable for that after 3.5 years in a relationship. She kissed a lot more people than I did in that stage. She says was that because I knew I was getting sex anyway? I don't think so. I never even really wanted anyone else, not truely.

Abi

m@cc@ wrote: »

I'm glad to have confirmed what I suspected. If saying I want her when she made the ultimatum and following her to Holland doesn't confirm my love, what exactly would I have to do to confirm it?

Exactly, shes basically turned the whole thing around to suit herself. And in the meantime life is passing you by. If I were you I'd tell her that for your own sake you're ending the whole thing. I wouldn't meet her to do so either, maybe an email or something. Because this girl sounds like a piece of work, and would probably feed you a load of crap again. You don't want to be back to square one... until you do something about this, she controls your life.

Never mind what she says about the past / FB's etc.. its just a load of crap. You proved otherwise by taking her on.

Send out the P45 (:

LegacyUser

It sounds from some of the accusations she made towards you that she was dead set on ending it. She didn't want to be "the baddie" so she threw in the "you never loved me as much" blah blah blah when it's clear you do. Let's face it if you were just looking for a girlfriend you wouldn't have moved around the world with her. You seem like a man who would have made your feelings towards her clear.

It does seem that she's craving freedom - both from you and relationships altogether. Her lil suggestion for you to buy condoms was no random thought. She was trying to send a signal to you that you're free to do as you like now and you should get cracking. If she was still in love with you and considering getting back together as something she desired, she wouldn't be so keen to help you get going.

She's clearing finding it hard to let go of your friendship but that is no indicator that she has any real intentions to ever get back together. It IS best to cut contact. Call her once to briefly say you want to do no contact. That is all the communication you need.

Exs react differently to this - some will respect it but some may cry and txt you and call you often to guilt you into doing what they want. This is them trying to control you. Don't respond however tempting it is (and trust me it can be so tempting). She knows where you stand despite what she accused you of. She knows you'd take her back if she ever said she wanted to. So any suggestive txts/emails/voicemails will only be to suck you back in to doing what she wants.

Trust me it will hurt a lot more when she hooks up/dates another guy while you're in Oz if ye are still in contact. And sooner than later that's bound to happen. Like others say, you're in Oz for now. Do what you can to enjoy it - join a club, go out, meet people.

Think about YOUR next step. Where to go live, jobs to seek out... Focus on you now. It sounds like you focused on making her happy and put your own ambitions and dreams on hold. You seem like a great guy and trust me, you will get to a much happier and self fulfilled place.

m@cc@

Thanks for the comments guys. For the first time since we broke up, I beginning to wonder if we are actually right for each other. I just always assumed we were. We have the same interests, make each other laugh and can talk for hours about absolutely nothing. She is the only woman I've ever slept with which can be a beautiful thing but also it can be a negative thing and maybe would make it more likely that we'd roam in the future.

I'm going to head to bed here but I suspect I'll have more thoughts as tomorrow comes. Thanks again for the advice and kind words.

Abi

m@cc@ wrote: »

Thanks for the comments guys. For the first time since we broke up, I beginning to wonder if we are actually right for each other. I just always assumed we were. We have the same interests, make each other laugh and can talk for hours about absolutely nothing.

Good friends can do that too

She is the only woman I've ever slept with which can be a beautiful thing but also it can be a negative thing and maybe would make it more likely that we'd roam in the future.

Thats what is making this a whole lot harder for you, theres almost a dependency there now. Starting out again has never been easy for anyone, but you can do it!

I'm going to head to bed here but I suspect I'll have more thoughts as tomorrow comes. Thanks again for the advice and kind words.

Bit of sleep will do you the world of good. Tomorrow is a new day, and with fresh starts.

Nite!

LegacyUser

Sorry to read all this OP. Bitter pill to swallow indeed, but just do it for your own good, it'll make the better man of you eventually. Who knows, it might change her. But you'll never know unless you cut contact. She is comfortable knowing your'e there.

extrinzic

Sorry to hear you are going through this, with being so far away and everything. It is clear that she does not care for you as she claims, as she is willing to walk away from you after everything you have been through together. You have a choice to make. You can live by her terms, or your own. She has made her decision clear; she wants to be single, whatever the consequences. I think you should decide to strike out on your own. You have little money, I gather. But you can travel light. If I were you, I would call her and tell her not to contact you again. Then, contact somebody who is travailing cross country, and offer to share petrol costs -you can find advertisements in backpacker hostels. You could pick fruit until something better comes along. Get out there and find yourself. Do this for yourself. Sorry for your pain, but bare it and the world will be yours. Good luck.

m@cc@

extrinzic wrote: »

It is clear that she does not care for you as she claims, as she is willing to walk away from you after everything you have been through together.

This is what I'm finding difficult to understand. We have been through so much and have so many anecdotes. Stories that I can never share properly with another person.

When she demanded that I fly home (which I later refused), her sister and brother-in-law said they'd meet me at Heathrow and I could stay the night. My life is so intertwined with hers, I was so bought into her life and her family (who are incidentally giving her a hard time over this - so she says).

I'll admit, I'm not as ambitious as her. I want a life, not a career. My career will fit around my life, I'm adamant about that. I want to be sucessful in my career, but I'm not one who would stay until 9 at night and come home to my kids sleeping. Though, as I see the wood for the trees, her life will fit around her career. That's very difficult for two people to reconcile.

She has said that she is as much to blame for this as me as she represses her emotions and doesn't express them properly. She said she is a coward in many ways. She just didn't think I had the confidence to be able to handle what she had to say because I was unemployed.

extrinzic

I really feel for you. I don’t think you are going to be able to make sense of this, at least not for a while. I think you were right to stay; there is no need to be reactionary at the mo. I think you should get away from her, the town you are in, all of it. Just take off. Why not, if there is nobody to stay for. You don’t have to have all the answers now; you just need space to work out what you think and how you feel. When are you going to be in Australia again? Probably, not for a long time, if ever. Just hit the road man, and keep looking forward. Enjoy the next three months, as much as you can. If you try, you will. When you get home, you can worry about your future, and maybe you won’t have that much to worry about. This could be a blessing in disguise. It really could.

Edit: "I'm to blame for this... you're to blame for that..." sound's familiar. It's just the kind of head wreaking analysis that never resolves anything. Nobody is perfect, but since when were we excused for not giving a ****. You don't need all this, and you don't owe anything to her any more.

m@cc@

extrinzic wrote: »

I really feel for you. I don’t think you are going to be able to make sense of this, at least not for a while. I think you were right to stay; there is no need to be reactionary at the mo. I think you should get away from her, the town you are in, all of it. Just take off. Why not, if there is nobody to stay for. You don’t have to have all the answers now; you just need space to work out what you think and how you feel. When are you going to be in Australia again? Probably, not for a long time, if ever. Just hit the road man, and keep looking forward. Enjoy the next three months, as much as you can. If you try, you will. When you get home, you can worry about your future, and maybe you won’t have that much to worry about. This could be a blessing in disguise. It really could.

I have been walking a lot and thinking as it helps to relieve the stress. I should point out that this is not the first major falling out we've had. We had a row last Christmas for similar reasons, about becoming too reliant on each other.

But I worked at it and got out on my own but in Oz we fell into familar patterns. She says I used to spend evenings in the apartment on the internet and barely talk to her rather than us going out on the town. She is completely right in that sense, I guess I have to ask myself why was that the case.

I've been looking at another thread here about a girl who went to a clairvoyant. Do you think that would assist in helping make sense of things? I always thought those things were 'hocus pocus' but I'm willing to give it a try.

extrinzic

In my view, such people are charlatans, but I don't claim to know everything, so I could be wrong . You are the only person qualified to make sense of your life.. but this, as with anything worthwhile in life.. takes time.


Edit:

She says I used to spend evenings in the apartment on the internet and barely talk to her rather than us going out on the town. She is completely right in that sense, I guess I have to ask myself why was that the case.

Perhaps it had something to do with being responsible with your money in a distant land? Anyway, going out in Melbourn can be head-wreaking, so I can see why one might prefer to spend money on more worthy pursuits. Anyway, last time I checked, it took two to tango.

littlefriend

Sorry to hear you feel so bad m@cc@.

Your first step to getting over it is cutting contact with your ex. I don't think you can begin to move on until you do that. You probably don't want to move on but it'll be better for you in the long run.

Everything that has happened might never make sense to you, you just have to accept it and go forward with your life. Its **** but from what you have said the relationship is over. No amount of theorising about it will bring it back. You need to hear from people who love you not someone who is telling you they don't.

I really hope you feel better soon. Come home if you need to, it doesn't make you a failure if you do.

m@cc@

extrinzic wrote: »

Perhaps it had something to do with being responsible with your money in a distant land? Anyway, going out in Melbourn can be head-wreaking, so I can see why one might prefer to spend money on more worthy pursuits. Anyway, last time I checked, it took two to tango.

Exactly! We had planned to go back and live in the UK at the end of June. I wanted a bit of money put aside to have as a nest egg. She levelled the criticism that it was her money we were putting aside. I don't earn anything like what she does and any money I've spent on myself was on food or else stuff we've done. For me to spend money on myself, it took days of deliberation because I knew that I was reliant on her for money. It's not like we never went out or did things, we just weren't living life on the edge that other backpackers would do.

I did say to her, I make no apologies for wanting to be financially secure and regardless of who's earning the money, it's supposed to be our money and our future. And the funny thing is, she critisied me months ago for thinking that my money was my money and her money was her money. She also couldn't understand my reluctance in getting a joint account which in reflection was a good move.

littlefriend wrote: »

I really hope you feel better soon. Come home if you need to, it doesn't make you a failure if you do.

My parents have said something similar. They said don't worry about money, they'll back me to the hilt until I get back on my feet again. My friends have said their going to organise a massive weekend of boozing on my return, which makes me smile. I'm going to give it a month and if I don't feel I'm improving then I'll come home.

extrinzic

That's the spirit. Man, I'm almost envious of you now. In fact, I am envious of you now You can have a LOT of fun in a month, or two.......

m@cc@

I forwarded her an invoice with nothing more than 'FYI' on it. She's just replied back 'Are you ok?' Told her I'm grand, and left it at that. I still have some stuff to pick up from the apartment but I'm going to buy a big bag today and go round to the apartment tomorrow night when I know she's not there and take everything belonging me.

Little acorns, people, little acorns.

extrinzic

Good idea, try to avoid her for the moment. If you start to give yourself a hard time, or feel bad, just accept that it is part of it. All the very best from soggy ol Eire, twill be here waitin for ya upon yar return

LegacyUser

did you going de facto on her visa come into this at all??

im in a similar situation myself - i followed my bf to oz, he was here a full year before i could join him, and we had stages during that 12 months that he would have cold feet and say he didnt want me to come over, he needed to be single for a while, he didnt want to get back into living together, etc. etc.

I'm here almost a year now, and he's getting sponsored, and i'm going defacto on his visa - so we can both stay. is that an option....
you just need to make it clear to her that when you're gone there'll be no coming back to oz for you and that'll be it if she's considering oz longterm.

good luck x

m@cc@

amybabes123 wrote: »

did you going de facto on her visa come into this at all?

I said this to her but she had no interest. She said I'd be hanging onto her wanting a life that she knows she doesn't want. Believe me, I have explored every avenue to make this work but she rebuffs any attempt. I said to her, when I leave, we both know that's it. As I sit here, it's become clear - she has no interest in making our relationship work anymore.

Apres Moi

m@cc@ wrote: »

This is what I'm finding difficult to understand. We have been through so much and have so many anecdotes. Stories that I can never share properly with another person.

Man, I can totally understand this. It's really, really tough. Over the last couple of weeks I've lost count of the amount of times I've automatically gone to text my ex about something small, something that relates to some in joke we have or whatever.

I think some of the reasons for my break up were similar in a way to yours. Over the past 10 years we'd both been very independent, never hesitating to take up a great opportunity, even in other countries as we knew we'd weather it and it'd be better for us in the long term. But for the last 18 months I've been living in 'his' city. As in, it was the place he had to be and i was just tagging along and frankly I'd gotten very lazy, very comfortable, lost my ambition. I think he'd been very frustrated with me, disappointed even. If I've learned nothing else, it's not to do that again.

m@cc@

Apres Moi wrote: »

As in, it was the place he had to be and i was just tagging along and frankly I'd gotten very lazy, very comfortable, lost my ambition. I think he'd been very frustrated with me, disappointed even. If I've learned nothing else, it's not to do that again.

That's spot on. She even recommended many times that I join a football club and get myself out there. But I never bothered my head. Lots of lessons to be learned.