Where is the cheating line?

donfers

As a gentleman I let most things go.

I have a remarkably laidback attitude to relationships by the standards of some of my male friends and acquaintances.

Examples of where friends/friends of friends/acquaintances have ended relationships

- girlfriend touching/pawing at a stipper: I am ok with this, a lot of females get into a frenzy at strip shows, it's just a fantasy, let them enjoy it

-girlfriend sends flirty text/facebook message/email to some unknown male: again, fine with me, 99% of flirting is harmless in my opinion...unless it is something like "I want to shag you....here is my number" then flirt away. There are many attractive men and women out there.

-girlfriend dances provocatively/sexily/touching/feeling with some random guy in a nightclub: I wouldn't be too concerned, after a few drinks and on a nightclub floor, shock, horror -this stuff goes on. Dancing is mainly harmless fun and if another guy does it better than me then grind away

-girlfriend dresses in a "slutty" way: absolutely no problem with this, it shouldn't even be an issue/talking-point. She can dress how she likes and if she has the confidence to show off her body then great

-girlfriend kisses some guy passionately in bar/disco: I am not too bothered by this but understand why some people could be, I'd ask about it but breaking up over a spitty kiss in the corner of some sleazy bar - No

-girlfriend has a one night stand with another guy but explains that it was purely a physical attraction thing and meant nothing on an emotional level: I'd be ok with this

-girlfriend sleeps with multiple different partners or has one meaningful affair with another bloke: we'd have to discuss this and analyse why this behaviour is taking place. Break-up is a possibity in this scenario but I'd like to think we'd remain friends and wish each other well in out future personal lives wherever they may take us


I'm sure most people would draw the line at kissing but it's quite a small-minded, insecure and selfish way at looking at things as far as I am concerned.

and what about you?

Vinta81

I was with you till this;

-girlfriend kisses some guy passionately in bar/disco: I am not too bothered by this but understand why some people could be, I'd ask about it but breaking up over a spitty kiss in the corner of some sleazy bar - No

-girlfriend has a one night stand with another guy but explains that it was purely a physical attraction thing and meant nothing on an emotional level: I'd be ok with this

-girlfriend sleeps with multiple different partners or has one meaningful affair with another bloke: we'd have to discuss this and analyse why this behaviour is taking place. Break-up is a possibity in this scenario but I'd like to think we'd remain friends and wish each other well in out future personal lives wherever they may take us

You're obviously having a laugh...

Fago!

donfers wrote: »

-girlfriend kisses some guy passionately in bar/disco: I am not too bothered by this but understand why some people could be, I'd ask about it but breaking up over a spitty kiss in the corner of some sleazy bar - No

-girlfriend has a one night stand with another guy but explains that it was purely a physical attraction thing and meant nothing on an emotional level: I'd be ok with this

-girlfriend sleeps with multiple different partners or has one meaningful affair with another bloke: we'd have to discuss this and analyse why this behaviour is taking place. Break-up is a possibity in this scenario but I'd like to think we'd remain friends and wish each other well in out future personal lives wherever they may take us

GTFO!!!!

anomalous

a normal relationship could maybe/probably survive a kiss but anything further is just not on and is a serious breach of trust and if you cant trust the person your with why would you be with them at all?

Greyfox

donfers wrote: »

-girlfriend has a one night stand with another guy but explains that it was purely a physical attraction thing and meant nothing on an emotional level: I'd be ok with this

-girlfriend sleeps with multiple different partners or has one meaningful affair with another bloke: we'd have to discuss this and analyse why this behaviour is taking place. Break-up is a possibity in this scenario but I'd like to think we'd remain friends and wish each other well in out future personal lives wherever they may take us

I'm sure most people would draw the line at kissing but it's quite a small-minded, insecure and selfish way at looking at things as far as I am concerned.

and what about you?

Your obviously taking the piss, otherwise I've just read the dumbest post in boards.ie history. Anybody who would be ok with their exclusive partner having a one night stand is an idiot

krudler

what the hell? a kiss is a dumpable offence imo, once the trust is broken its almost impossible to regain it, I saw one of my exes kissing a guy in a club one night when she didnt know I was there, was a last minute thing , thought I'd surprise her, turns out it was me who got the surprise. Being young and stupid I forgave her but it didnt last long, couldnt get the image of her eating the face off another guy out of my head, trust broken so any time she went out after i got that sickening feeling when you think something might happen, she got dumped, Happily her boyfriend after me treated her like dirt and she deserved it, what goes around etc.

I wouldnt be very happy seeing my missus dancing with another guy, dancing as in grinding up against each other, thats almost as bad as making out imo. kissing and anything more and she's be dumped on the spot, fcuk that noise.

I know everyone has "the line" but I'm pretty sure most people would draw that at any sort of intimate contact with someone else, kissing onward sort of thing

Galvasean

I'm notoriously intolerant of anything resembling cheating. A drunken passionate kiss with a stranger is enough for me to dump 'em.
Dancing with guys is a-ok, so long as she isn't trying to lead them on. If by 'grinding' you mean rubbing genitals off each other then that's a big no. Similarly, I will not tolerate erotic licking or biting or sucking of any sort.
Flirting is also fine so long as it's only meant as fun and all parties involved know it.

Rented Mule

Dude......look down between your legs. There should be two balls swinging . If not .....grow a pair.....and show her the door.

[Jackass]

Dancing with a dude in a touchy way, I'd be a little bit ego bruised and hurt by it, but wouldn't break up with her, but I'd let her know it makes me feel like sh*t and makes me lose a bit of respect for her....but anything beyond that...GTFO!! Passionatly kissing a dude is a big deal, shagging a dude is complete slut and a dumped one at that!

jolter

Rented Mule wrote: »

Dude......look down between your legs. There should be two balls swinging . If not .....grow a pair.....and show her the door.

how right you are, your answer did me laugh.

Kenno90

Rented Mule wrote: »

Dude......look down between your legs. There should be two balls swinging . If not .....grow a pair.....and show her the door.

haha +1

Dude if,for some :eek:insane:eek: reason your not taking the piss then you need to dump her right now . whats next an orgy in an alley??

Giselle

donfers wrote: »

I'm sure most people would draw the line at kissing but it's quite a small-minded, insecure and selfish way at looking at things as far as I am concerned.

and what about you?

You either have an incredibly high tolerance level, or your relationship doesn't mean that much to you.

LD 50

Kenno90 wrote: »

haha +1

Dude if,for some :eek:insane:eek: reason your not taking the piss then you need to dump her right now . whats next an orgy in an alley??

If it came to that, they would probably talk it out and get to the root of the problem.

donfers wrote: »

-girlfriend kisses some guy passionately in bar/disco: I am not too bothered by this but understand why some people could be, I'd ask about it but breaking up over a spitty kiss in the corner of some sleazy bar - No

-girlfriend has a one night stand with another guy but explains that it was purely a physical attraction thing and meant nothing on an emotional level: I'd be ok with this

-girlfriend sleeps with multiple different partners or has one meaningful affair with another bloke: we'd have to discuss this and analyse why this behaviour is taking place. Break-up is a possibity in this scenario but I'd like to think we'd remain friends and wish each other well in out future personal lives wherever they may take us


I'm sure most people would draw the line at kissing but it's quite a small-minded, insecure and selfish way at looking at things as far as I am concerned.

and what about you?

I'm with most guys. I draw the line at that. But If some guy just kissed her out of the blue, and after the initial shock wore off(1 or 2 secs) and she pushed him off thats ok. Any longer and she's getting into it, which is a break-up-able offence.

donfers wrote: »

As a gentleman I let most things go.

I have a remarkably laidback attitude to relationships by the standards of some of my male friends and acquaintances.

and as a gentleman, you should have some more balls, and realise when you're getting walked all over by your lady. Any woman that does these things in a relationship doesn't respect you or the bond you too have.
I know there are functioning couples that are ok with the last few things you listed(swingers for e.g), but usually these things are beneficial for both parties.

Have you asked yourself or her what would happen if you "just had a one night stand, and it was purely physical"?

krudler

I'm with most guys. I draw the line at that. But If some guy just kissed her out of the blue, and after the initial shock wore off(1 or 2 secs) and she pushed him off thats ok. Any longer and she's getting into it, which is a break-up-able offence.

Actually yeah, that happened with my ex one night, some guy just literally lunged at her right in front of me on a dancefloor, she hit him a smack and he got chucked out, I never thought any more of it as it clearly wasnt her fault she could have been anyone with a pair of tits at the time he was hammered and an idiot, but if she got into it, yeah, dumped on the spot

Kenno90

krudler wrote: »

Actually yeah, that happened with my ex one night, some guy just literally lunged at her right in front of me on a dancefloor, she hit him a smack and he got chucked out, I never thought any more of it as it clearly wasnt her fault she could have been anyone with a pair of tits at the time he was hammered and an idiot, but if she got into it, yeah, dumped on the spot

Ye thats fine. you'd have to be a jealous wreck to be mad at her for that. But this guy on the other hand is on the other end of the spectrum.

TechnoPool

donfers wrote: »

-girlfriend sleeps with multiple different partners or has one meaningful affair with another bloke: we'd have to discuss this and analyse why this behaviour is taking place. Break-up is a possibity in this scenario but I'd like to think we'd remain friends and wish each other well in out future personal lives wherever they may take us

Break up is a possibility eh? :rolleyes:

Otis Driftwood

donfers wrote: »

As a gentleman I let most things go.

I have a remarkably laidback attitude to relationships by the standards of some of my male friends and acquaintances.

Examples of where friends/friends of friends/acquaintances have ended relationships

- girlfriend touching/pawing at a stipper: I am ok with this, a lot of females get into a frenzy at strip shows, it's just a fantasy, let them enjoy it

-girlfriend sends flirty text/facebook message/email to some unknown male: again, fine with me, 99% of flirting is harmless in my opinion...unless it is something like "I want to shag you....here is my number" then flirt away. There are many attractive men and women out there.

-girlfriend dances provocatively/sexily/touching/feeling with some random guy in a nightclub: I wouldn't be too concerned, after a few drinks and on a nightclub floor, shock, horror -this stuff goes on. Dancing is mainly harmless fun and if another guy does it better than me then grind away

-girlfriend dresses in a "slutty" way: absolutely no problem with this, it shouldn't even be an issue/talking-point. She can dress how she likes and if she has the confidence to show off her body then great

-girlfriend kisses some guy passionately in bar/disco: I am not too bothered by this but understand why some people could be, I'd ask about it but breaking up over a spitty kiss in the corner of some sleazy bar - No

-girlfriend has a one night stand with another guy but explains that it was purely a physical attraction thing and meant nothing on an emotional level: I'd be ok with this

-girlfriend sleeps with multiple different partners or has one meaningful affair with another bloke: we'd have to discuss this and analyse why this behaviour is taking place. Break-up is a possibity in this scenario but I'd like to think we'd remain friends and wish each other well in out future personal lives wherever they may take us


I'm sure most people would draw the line at kissing but it's quite a small-minded, insecure and selfish way at looking at things as far as I am concerned.

and what about you?

Yawn.

You do know where after hours is dont you,your sad attempts at humour would be much better suited there.

helimachoptor

Rented Mule wrote: »

Dude......look down between your legs. There should be two balls swinging . If not .....grow a pair.....and show her the door.

Sorry meant to say +1 to this.

So you're basically saying all this because if you ever actually had a girlfriend you'd realise the last 3 options are off the wall.

Troll tbh

Nevyn

Different people have different standards for what they consider 'cheating'
or what they have set as being out of bounds and a deal breaker with thier partner.

For some people betrayal of intimacy is a emotional thing and not a physical thing.
Some people are ok with a range of open relationship arrangements and some are not.

Fago!

Man OP your girfriend sounds like a bit of a whore.

Blitzkrieger

helimachoptor wrote: »

Troll tbh

+1

Dr Galen

tbh I can see nothing of any value in this thread. If, OP, you wanted to start some discussion on the topic, I think you initial post wasn't the best. As has been pointed out, this isn't AH, so random posts on random subjects with no discussion merit aren't our thing.

Cheers

MM

EDIT: by the way, a few comments made in this thread are not of a suitable standard. Seriously, when you think you've got a funny one-liner in your head, its probably not that funny. Anymore of this thanks whoring posting is not going to be looked on favourably.

Dr Galen

after a PM conversation with the OP, I'm reopening this thread to allow him to post a reply and to flesh out his thinking somewhat.

The above guidance still stands though on any subsequent replies.

donfers

Relationships should not be about ego.

That is my first point, many of the comments here seem to be from guys whose egoes would be hurt because their partners were attracted to someone else.

I guess where I differ from most is that I reject the traditional romantic notions of soulmates and "the one". That's garbage, there are many many many people out there who you could get on great with and be attracted to. Let's face up to the facts here. Are you being faithful to your partner because your love for her is so intense and amazing that you are not interested in anybody else or are you being faithful to your partner because you don't want to hurt him/her and regard the faithfulness as being the right thing to do?? I suspect most people, if honest, would say the latter which is an interesing logic for explaining behaviour.

There is food on the table.

I will not eat it, not because I'm not hungry but because I have been told that I have eaten enough already even though I still feel hungry.

It's social conditioning and of course it is understandable why it exists, to safeguard the idea of family, but what I don't understand is why some don't have the courage to reject it and again I suggest it's to do with ego especially in relationships with no children or firm commitment like house or marriage. You won't tolerate your partner kissing another guy/gal because your ego trumps your partner's momentary thrill. I would suggest real love is beyond such trivialities.

Finally to all the comments about being a man, showing some balls, girlfriend being a whore etc.

Where did I imply that any of this stuff had happened to me or that I have a girlfriend who acts like this?? Where did I imply it was a one-way rather than two-way arrangement?

Jumping to conclusions, rash judgements, small-minded, protect the ego = all predictable stuff

Iago

donfers wrote: »

Relationships should not be about ego.

That is my first point, many of the comments here seem to be from guys whose egoes would be hurt because their partners were attracted to someone else.

I guess where I differ from most is that I reject the traditional romantic notions of soulmates and "the one". That's garbage, there are many many many people out there who you could get on great with and be attracted to. Let's face up to the facts here. Are you being faithful to your partner because your love for her is so intense and amazing that you are not interested in anybody else or are you being faithful to your partner because you don't want to hurt him/her and regard the faithfulness as being the right thing to do?? I suspect most people, if honest, would say the latter which is an interesing logic for explaining behaviour.

There is food on the table.

I will not eat it, not because I'm not hungry but because I have been told that I have eaten enough already even though I still feel hungry.

It's social conditioning and of course it is understandable why it exists, to safeguard the idea of family, but what I don't understand is why some don't have the courage to reject it and again I suggest it's to do with ego especially in relationships with no children or firm commitment like house or marriage. You won't tolerate your partner kissing another guy because your ego trumps your partner's momentary thrill. I would suggest real love is beyond such trivialities.

Finally to all the comments about being a man, showing some balls, girlfriend being a whore etc.

Where did I imply that any of this stuff had happened to me or that I have a girlfriend who acts like this?? Where did I imply it was a one-way rather than two-way arrangement?

Jumping to conclusions, rash judgements, small-minded, protect the ego = all predictable stuff

all of the above is fine if

You have agreed all this beforehand with the partner in question and to be honest I would be of the same ilk to yourself in that case.

However then there is no cheating line in question as you've already agreed to have an open relationship where all of these things are ok.

The real point for all of this is that the above is fine in theory with both parties being free to live the kind of life they want to live, but in practice it would be far more difficult to maintain a healthy and happy relationship in that situation. Not impossible mind, just more difficult.

theg81der

I love your attitude and I think it makes you more of a man not less. My husbands not jealous and nor does he have any reason to be - thats what I adore about him, he`s confident enough in himself and he knows our relationship is more than sex.

Bet women adore you and if they don`t their not your type so don`t worry about them. Complex independant women require complex independant men.

Your completely right its about time our "enlightened" society realised how backwards they actually are, they are pure slaves to their base instincts (and I don`t mean the good kind ).

Greyfox

donfers wrote: »

Relationships should not be about ego.

That is my first point, many of the comments here seem to be from guys whose egoes would be hurt because their partners were attracted to someone else.

I guess where I differ from most is that I reject the traditional romantic notions of soulmates and "the one". That's garbage, there are many many many people out there who you could get on great with and be attracted to. Let's face up to the facts here. Are you being faithful to your partner because your love for her is so intense and amazing that you are not interested in anybody else or are you being faithful to your partner because you don't want to hurt him/her and regard the faithfulness as being the right thing to do?? I suspect most people, if honest, would say the latter which is an interesing logic for explaining behaviour.

There is food on the table.

I will not eat it, not because I'm not hungry but because I have been told that I have eaten enough already even though I still feel hungry.

It's social conditioning and of course it is understandable why it exists, to safeguard the idea of family, but what I don't understand is why some don't have the courage to reject it and again I suggest it's to do with ego especially in relationships with no children or firm commitment like house or marriage. You won't tolerate your partner kissing another guy/gal because your ego trumps your partner's momentary thrill. I would suggest real love is beyond such trivialities.

Finally to all the comments about being a man, showing some balls, girlfriend being a whore etc.

Where did I imply that any of this stuff had happened to me or that I have a girlfriend who acts like this?? Where did I imply it was a one-way rather than two-way arrangement?

Jumping to conclusions, rash judgements, small-minded, protect the ego = all predictable stuff

What makes you think relationships are about egos? Like most people I not only understand that my partner could be attracted to someone else but I'd think their was something wrong with them if they didn't find other people attractive. You don't seem to realise that when your in a relationship you are investing emotion in the other person and if your not you should not be in a relationship and it's because of this invested emotion that makes cheating so wrong.

I think anybody who forgives a cheater is an idiot, I also think believing in "the one" is the biggest pile of nonsense ever. To me theirs absolutely no point in been in a relationship if your not going to be faithfull, if you think you might give in to temptation and cheat you should break up with the person or else explain you only want an open relationship otherwise your just scum.

It's perfectly normal for men to be tempted by other women but how would cheating be fair on your girlfriend? especially if she's in love with you? You see when people are in relationships theirs this thing called caring about the other persons feelings! If you want to reject this what's stopping you from just going for open relationships that don't hurt anybody? Open relationships can be wonderful but only if neighter party is incvesting emotion

You point about not tolerating your partner kissing another guy/gal because your ego trumps your partner's momentary thrill is absolute nonsense and tells me you know nothing about love and that you don't know what it's like to have strong feelings for another person

If any guy were to consider staying with a girl who cheated on them multiple times their obviously an idiot with no ba**s who don't ever deserve to be happy

Greyfox

theg81der wrote: »

Your completely right its about time our "enlightened" society realised how backwards they actually are, they are pure slaves to their base instincts (and I don`t mean the good kind ).

Right so your husband should be out sleeping with as many other women as possible without worrying about what you have invested in your relationship

Tail Wagger

donfers wrote: »

As a gentleman I let most things go.

I have a remarkably laidback attitude to relationships by the standards of some of my male friends and acquaintances.

Examples of where friends/friends of friends/acquaintances have ended relationships

- girlfriend touching/pawing at a stipper: I am ok with this, a lot of females get into a frenzy at strip shows, it's just a fantasy, let them enjoy it

-girlfriend sends flirty text/facebook message/email to some unknown male: again, fine with me, 99% of flirting is harmless in my opinion...unless it is something like "I want to shag you....here is my number" then flirt away. There are many attractive men and women out there.

-girlfriend dances provocatively/sexily/touching/feeling with some random guy in a nightclub: I wouldn't be too concerned, after a few drinks and on a nightclub floor, shock, horror -this stuff goes on. Dancing is mainly harmless fun and if another guy does it better than me then grind away

-girlfriend dresses in a "slutty" way: absolutely no problem with this, it shouldn't even be an issue/talking-point. She can dress how she likes and if she has the confidence to show off her body then great

-girlfriend kisses some guy passionately in bar/disco: I am not too bothered by this but understand why some people could be, I'd ask about it but breaking up over a spitty kiss in the corner of some sleazy bar - No

-girlfriend has a one night stand with another guy but explains that it was purely a physical attraction thing and meant nothing on an emotional level: I'd be ok with this

-girlfriend sleeps with multiple different partners or has one meaningful affair with another bloke: we'd have to discuss this and analyse why this behaviour is taking place. Break-up is a possibity in this scenario but I'd like to think we'd remain friends and wish each other well in out future personal lives wherever they may take us


I'm sure most people would draw the line at kissing but it's quite a small-minded, insecure and selfish way at looking at things as far as I am concerned.

and what about you?

have you decided to come out of the closit today?

Tail Wagger

donfers wrote: »

As a gentleman I let most things go.

I have a remarkably laidback attitude to relationships by the standards of some of my male friends and acquaintances.

Examples of where friends/friends of friends/acquaintances have ended relationships

- girlfriend touching/pawing at a stipper: I am ok with this, a lot of females get into a frenzy at strip shows, it's just a fantasy, let them enjoy it

-girlfriend sends flirty text/facebook message/email to some unknown male: again, fine with me, 99% of flirting is harmless in my opinion...unless it is something like "I want to shag you....here is my number" then flirt away. There are many attractive men and women out there.

-girlfriend dances provocatively/sexily/touching/feeling with some random guy in a nightclub: I wouldn't be too concerned, after a few drinks and on a nightclub floor, shock, horror -this stuff goes on. Dancing is mainly harmless fun and if another guy does it better than me then grind away

-girlfriend dresses in a "slutty" way: absolutely no problem with this, it shouldn't even be an issue/talking-point. She can dress how she likes and if she has the confidence to show off her body then great

-girlfriend kisses some guy passionately in bar/disco: I am not too bothered by this but understand why some people could be, I'd ask about it but breaking up over a spitty kiss in the corner of some sleazy bar - No

-girlfriend has a one night stand with another guy but explains that it was purely a physical attraction thing and meant nothing on an emotional level: I'd be ok with this

-girlfriend sleeps with multiple different partners or has one meaningful affair with another bloke: we'd have to discuss this and analyse why this behaviour is taking place. Break-up is a possibity in this scenario but I'd like to think we'd remain friends and wish each other well in out future personal lives wherever they may take us


I'm sure most people would draw the line at kissing but it's quite a small-minded, insecure and selfish way at looking at things as far as I am concerned.

and what about you?

I used to be married to a woman like that,I didn't really show her off much, maybe because there was to much of here there !

Smyth

The more I read through the thread, the more my right eyebrow kept ascending and the left one kept descending. I now look like this. thanks OP.



We're all different, I suppose. I'm sure there's a woman out there who shares your views.

just the one though

Herbal Deity

donfers wrote: »

Relationships should not be about ego.

That is my first point, many of the comments here seem to be from guys whose egoes would be hurt because their partners were attracted to someone else.

I guess where I differ from most is that I reject the traditional romantic notions of soulmates and "the one". That's garbage, there are many many many people out there who you could get on great with and be attracted to. Let's face up to the facts here. Are you being faithful to your partner because your love for her is so intense and amazing that you are not interested in anybody else or are you being faithful to your partner because you don't want to hurt him/her and regard the faithfulness as being the right thing to do?? I suspect most people, if honest, would say the latter which is an interesing logic for explaining behaviour.

There is food on the table.

I will not eat it, not because I'm not hungry but because I have been told that I have eaten enough already even though I still feel hungry.

It's social conditioning and of course it is understandable why it exists, to safeguard the idea of family, but what I don't understand is why some don't have the courage to reject it and again I suggest it's to do with ego especially in relationships with no children or firm commitment like house or marriage. You won't tolerate your partner kissing another guy/gal because your ego trumps your partner's momentary thrill. I would suggest real love is beyond such trivialities.

Finally to all the comments about being a man, showing some balls, girlfriend being a whore etc.

Where did I imply that any of this stuff had happened to me or that I have a girlfriend who acts like this?? Where did I imply it was a one-way rather than two-way arrangement?

Jumping to conclusions, rash judgements, small-minded, protect the ego = all predictable stuff

No offense, but you seem rather sociopathic.

theg81der

Greyfox wrote: »

Right so your husband should be out sleeping with as many other women as possible without worrying about what you have invested in your relationship

Thats not what the Op is saying you`ve missed the point - if he cheated other than follow base instincts I would try to work out why with him. I know it would never happen because of this. If he genuinely came to me and said he wanted to sleep with someone else we would discuss it and as long as it was a woman who wanted same I`d have no issue.

Again thou hypothetical because it would never happen, I thought he hadn`t dated enough before we got married and tried to encourage him to go of for a while but he wasn`t interested and still isn`t.

Nevyn

There is no written in stone standard of what is cheating for Everyone.

r3nu4l

Herbal Deity wrote: »

No offense, but you seem rather sociopathic.

Is that a professional diagnosis then? Stay on topic and please refrain from thinly veiled insults or questioning of the mental health of the OP. Thanks.

OldGoat

I'm amused by the reaction the OP has caused here. Some posters with narrow views instantly chuck out posts questioning the OP's 'manhood'. Retorting to a post with 'Grow a pair' is not a discussion, it's an insult.

Living in an open relationship is commonplace and to my mind tends to be an indication of a well adjusted couple - open and honest with each other.

Love and lust co-exist but are not dependant on each other. You can lust without loving. Sex does not require an emotional attachment. If a partner lusts after someone else, has sex with someone else, it does NOT mean that they don't love you.
Whats important is the trust, openness and honesty shown to each other.

So, in answer to the OP's question - at what point would I concider my partner cheating? When she hides it from me.

WindSock

It sounds to me like this is what you want a woman to be tolerant of if it's you.

Herbal Deity

OldGoat wrote: »

Living in an open relationship is commonplace and to my mind tends to be an indication of a well adjusted couple - open and honest with each other.

Love and lust co-exist but are not dependant on each other. You can lust without loving. Sex does not require an emotional attachment. If a partner lusts after someone else, has sex with someone else, it does NOT mean that they don't love you.
Whats important is the trust, openness and honesty shown to each other.

What's the difference between a close friendship and a relationship without sexual exclusivity?

Also, I think the sexual experience would be greatly diminished if one were to desensitize themselves to the emotional side of sex.

Part of being in a relationship, for me, is the feeling of being in a special, unique situation with another person, and an open relationship would dilute this for me.

Now of course, different people will have different views, and some may be cool with being in an open relationship etc. I can respect that. However, the OP has gotten the reaction he has because of the "look at me, I'm so open minded, you guys are all insecure, small minded idiots" manner in which he phrased his opening post.

Handsome Bob

OldGoat wrote: »

So, in answer to the OP's question - at what point would I concider my partner cheating? When she hides it from me.

Apologies if I picked you up wrong, but are you saying that if your girlfriend had sex with someone else but told you about it and insisted it was only a matter of lust and not love, that you would be okay with this? I'm not having a go, I'm just trying to make sure that I've read what you've said correctly.

Greyfox

OldGoat wrote: »

Living in an open relationship is commonplace and to my mind tends to be an indication of a well adjusted couple - open and honest with each other.

So, in answer to the OP's question - at what point would I concider my partner cheating? When she hides it from me.

Yes open relationships are wonderful but the fact that the OP mentions "cheating" would indicate he was not talking about open relationships so I would not include them in this discussion as theirs no such thing as cheating in an open relationship, your free to do what you want with whoever you want!

Greyfox

Herbal Deity wrote: »

However, the OP has gotten the reaction he has because of the "look at me, I'm so open minded, you guys are all insecure, small minded idiots" manner in which he phrased his opening post.

Exactly +100

Nevyn

Greyfox wrote: »

Yes open relationships are wonderful but the fact that the OP mentions "cheating" would indicate he was not talking about open relationships so I would not include them in this discussion as theirs no such thing as cheating in an open relationship, your free to do what you want with whoever you want!

I disagree. Even open relationships have their rules, they are never free for alls.
Yes they are not the same conventional rules of a conventional relationship but there still will be certain things which the couple will have agreed upon as being cheating and deal breakers.

donfers

WindSock wrote: »

It sounds to me like this is what you want a woman to be tolerant of if it's you.

That may be how it sounds to you but that wasn't the message I intended conveying...the limitations of communication eh?

donfers

Herbal Deity wrote: »

Now of course, different people will have different views, and some may be cool with being in an open relationship etc. I can respect that. However, the OP has gotten the reaction he has because of the "look at me, I'm so open minded, you guys are all insecure, small minded idiots" manner in which he phrased his opening post.

Well again if you have been so provoked by my comments to call me a sociopath then I think it says something about you, the receiver of the message, and how the message has affected you.

If you took the message "look at me, I'm so open minded, you guys are all insecure, small minded idiots" from my opening post then I'm afraid you completely misunderstood and instead of misquoting me and misrepresenting me and throwing insults at me I'd prefer if we discussed the topic itself. I never called anybody an idiot and I apologise if my own personal opinion which is that the traditional mode of thinking is rather small-minded and insecure has affected some of you to such an extent that I am labelled emasculated, sociopathic, crazy, cuckolded etc.

I am none of these things but I must say, those types of responses reveal more about you than me.

Herbal Deity

Dude,

If you come on a forum and effectively call the majority of people on it insecure and small minded, you're going to get negative responses.

I have zero problem with open relationships. Plenty of couples have unconventional relationships with differing limits on what consists of cheating etc. That's cool. I don't, however, fall into this category, and I don't know why you can't just be cool with that.

And I mean, if you'd left out the second last line of your OP, this would be a completely different thread.

PS. Sociopathic was OTT, I'm sorry.

OldGoat

Herbal Deity wrote: »

What's the difference between a close friendship and a relationship without sexual exclusivity?
Also, I think the sexual experience would be greatly diminished if one were to desensitize themselves to the emotional side of sex.
Part of being in a relationship, for me, is the feeling of being in a special, unique situation with another person, and an open relationship would dilute this for me.
Now of course, different people will have different views, and some may be cool with being in an open relationship etc. I can respect that. However, the OP has gotten the reaction he has because of the "look at me, I'm so open minded, you guys are all insecure, small minded idiots" manner in which he phrased his opening post.

I don’t understand the thrust of your questing regarding the difference between close friendship and a relationship with exclusivity. From the point of view of the argument I’m saying that a strong relationship does not depend on having exclusivity. A relationship depends on love and trust. A relationship can exist without exclusivity but it withers without love and trust.
I can see where an open relationship might strengthen the bond between partners rather then dilute it.

LZ5by5 wrote: »

Apologies if I picked you up wrong, but are you saying that if your girlfriend had sex with someone else but told you about it and insisted it was only a matter of lust and not love, that you would be okay with this? I'm not having a go, I'm just trying to make sure that I've read what you've said correctly.

I’m arguing from the point of view of a relationship having already agreed to boundaries and limits. At some point the couple will have agreed to a level of non-exclusiveness –be that flirting or a kiss & fondle or full on sex – just as non-open relationships have boundaries. If I’ve agreed to a full on open relationship then it matters not if she tells me before or after the fact as I’ve already accepted her behaviour.

Greyfox wrote: »

Yes open relationships are wonderful but the fact that the OP mentions "cheating" would indicate he was not talking about open relationships so I would not include them in this discussion as theirs no such thing as cheating in an open relationship, your free to do what you want with whoever you want!

I take your point and agree that I might have misinterpreted the OP however I have to say that cheating can exist in an open relationship. If an agreed boundary is crossed then that’s cheating.

Herbal Deity

OldGoat wrote: »

I don’t understand the thrust of your questing regarding the difference between close friendship and a relationship with exclusivity.

Well, to me, sex is what distinguishes the love one has for a friend and the love one has for a partner.

I mean, what's the difference between a partner and a close "friend with benefits" if you can have sex with anyone you please?

donfers

Herbal Deity wrote: »

Well, to me, sex is what distinguishes the love one has for a friend and the love one has for a partner.

I mean, what's the difference between a partner and a close "friend with benefits" if you can have sex with anyone you please?

I see a contradiction here, forgive me if I have misunderstood.


Paragraph 1 seems to say the difference between a friend and a partner is you can have sex with a partner

Paragraph 2 then asks what is the difference between a partner and a friend who has sex with you

---

which is what paragraph 1's definition of a partner was for you!!

I'm confused

Herbal Deity

donfers wrote: »

I see a contradiction here, forgive me if I have misunderstood.


Paragraph 1 seems to say the difference between a friend and a partner is you can have sex with a partner

Paragraph 2 then asks what is the difference between a partner and a friend who has sex with you

---

which is what paragraph 1's definition of a partner was for you!!

I'm confused

There's no exclusivity involved in a friends with benefits situation.

OldGoat

Herbal Deity wrote: »

Well, to me, sex is what distinguishes the love one has for a friend and the love one has for a partner.

I mean, what's the difference between a partner and a close "friend with benefits" if you can have sex with anyone you please?

You are saying that sex is the defining aspect in a loving relationship.
I’m saying that sex is the least important aspect in a loving relationship.

Herbal Deity

Not the defining aspect, the whole thing just seems horribly cheapened without an exclusive sexual commitment though.

You can't "define" a loving relationship though, because what constitutes "loving" is going to be interpreted in vastly different ways by different people.

Sexual exclusivity is a big part of what constitutes "loving" for many people, including me. (And for the record, I'm not suppressing a desire to be with other women, nor are most people in relationships who think this way, it just isn't there)

Those who don't hold this view will have other metrics for what constitutes "loving" to them. This doesn't mean that they're more open minded or secure, though, just different.