Can't accept being gay

LegacyUser

I am a guy in his early twenties and in college. I am finding it very difficult accepting the fact that I am gay. Even saying that makes me cringe.

I have never been with a guy and by the looks of things, never will.

For the past number of years I have been on gay porn sites, or sites like gaydar looking to chat with a guy in the hope to meet up. But everytime I come close, I just pull out and do nothing about it.

I am very reluctant to embrace "gay life". I don't like anything about it. I want to go to a club with my mates and dance with some girls, and have a laugh with my friends about women, but I can't. Everytime they talk about women I have to play along and pretend I feel the same way. I don't know if I can put up with this charade anymore.

I can't imagine telling any of my friends or my family. I can't even tell myself.

Everyday I go into college and see good looking guys, some of them my friends, and knowing that nothing will happen between us. It tears me up inside.

When I was young I prayed everyday for God to help me, I looked up things about hypnosis or any method of becoming straight. Stupid, I know, but I can't help but feel that if I wasn't gay my life would be so much easier.

People will tell me to "accept who you are". But it doesn't feel right. I feel like I should be a straight man.

I don't know what I expect to achieve from writing this. I guess I just need to express how I'm feeling. I know I can't change who I am, and I certainly can't accept myself.

Reflector

Hi OP,
I know it sounds like a cliche but a lot of people have experienced what you are going through, It seems really daunting but to accept being gay but it is an important step to be happy with yourself. People seem to relate being gay with a certain lifestyle and behaviour but this isn't true. All types of people are gay in all areas of life, it may seem to you that gay people are effeminate and camp but this is only a small amount and believe me when you do start to meet other gay people you will see this for yourself.
I really reccommend one of the following.
1. a social gay group on the scene
2. Belongto for gay youth
3. A councellor, believe me they will help you and they have a code of ethics so everything you say is just between the two of you.

Do try and take steps to exploring this part of yourself and remember it is not all about sex which is what the internet may tell you, especially gaydar and the like.
Best of luck and continue on here if you want to talk about anything else.

LGiamani

Hi there looking at the time you sent the post seems that this problem is taking control of you life.You say you view porn. This is not a healthy venture as it give a negative impression of people.Porn in my opinion is a form of mind control and overuse of it is a form of mental abuse.There are decent gay men out there who live good fulfilling lives and have good social lives and if be yourself you are going to meet the right guy. I understand the fact that people will always say be who you are listen to them. You have friends because they like to be with you arnd you are there for them if they need help.I see why you fear of telling people about your sexuality, you fear they will not want your friendship in the future and that is something no one wants gay or straight. Your life does not have to be stereotypical gay you do not have to be on the scene or a feminine type guy or all the things we associate with gay people.Inquiew from your friends and see what their reaction is to gay people. They maybe cool with it and if you are comfortable confide in your best friend about your sexuality and build on your confidence from there. If you get this far you will have taken a big step to giving yourself breathing space Final point the greatest thing you have on your side at the moment is youth you have to face a major dilemma in your life and you cannot do it alone get help there is no shame in looking for some help. You can live a pretty normal life as a gay man there will be the ignorance you will face from a number of people. good luck with whatever you decide, i wish you the very best

Dwn Wth Vwls

There is no universal "gay life" that you're supposed to embrace.

When you finally accept that you're gay, nothing is going to change, except your happiness. You don't transform into a different person. You feel like you should be something you're not, how pointless is that? You are what you are, always have been and always will be.

I think you really need to think about what it is you object to. You talk about not accepting it, but accepting what? What is it about yourself that you can't deal with? You know you find guys attractive... what else is there?

It seems like you're focusing on something you haven't actually mentioned. What made you pray to change, why is this something you don't like about yourself? What's your problem with who you are?

Beruthiel

guest2 wrote: »

I am very reluctant to embrace "gay life". I don't like anything about it.

Then don't embrace it.
Just because you are gay doesn't mean you have to follow a certain way of life or lifestyle.
Your sexual preference is just one part of you and it doesn't mean you have to turn your whole life on it's head.

It tears me up inside.

This is the reason you must face who you are head on.
You are miserable and until you can be who you are and accept who you are, you will continue to be miserable.

If I wasn't gay my life would be so much easier.

I assure you, that's not a guarantee at all.

People will tell me to "accept who you are". But it doesn't feel right. I feel like I should be a straight man.

As Reflector said above, you need to get yourself off to the college councellor and discuss why you feel the above.
You owe this to yourself.
You deserve to be happy.
Take steps in order to live with this.
Organise to see a professional tomorrow.
Don't put this off.

You are way too important to leave this on the long finger and the weight off your shoulders once you realise that this is not the end of the world will be fantastic.
If you care for yourself at all, get the help you need asap.
*hugs*

Goodshape

guest2 wrote: »

I am very reluctant to embrace "gay life".

What's "gay life"?

I assume you're referring to the "typical" gay "lifestyle" of dolled-up effeminate men practicing their dance moves to whatever gawd-awful pop mess is "just SO hot right now"? If that's what it means to be gay then I'd wager there's a majority on this form who just wouldn't fit the bill (and, I'm sure, some who would... each to their own but point being - there's no catch-all).

Gay life is what you make of it, just like straight life. It's entirely up to you to make that a life you enjoy and there really isn't a set of rules you need to conform to in order to "be" gay.

In my own experience, being more open with yourself and others (and no, it's not an easy thing.. possibly the most difficult thing I've had to get through in my life, but also the most worthwhile) you'll see new opportunities arise -- and they won't all be leading you to the George on a Saturday night. There are gays *everywhere* :eek:


As Reflector said above, social groups (including meet-ups organised on this forum) can be a good way to meet people.

DubArk

guest2 wrote: »

I am a guy in his early twenties and in college. I am finding it very difficult accepting the fact that I am gay. Even saying that makes me cringe.

I have never been with a guy and by the looks of things, never will.

For the past number of years I have been on gay porn sites, or sites like gaydar looking to chat with a guy in the hope to meet up. But everytime I come close, I just pull out and do nothing about it.

I am very reluctant to embrace "gay life". I don't like anything about it. I want to go to a club with my mates and dance with some girls, and have a laugh with my friends about women, but I can't. Everytime they talk about women I have to play along and pretend I feel the same way. I don't know if I can put up with this charade anymore.

I can't imagine telling any of my friends or my family. I can't even tell myself.

Everyday I go into college and see good looking guys, some of them my friends, and knowing that nothing will happen between us. It tears me up inside.

When I was young I prayed everyday for God to help me, I looked up things about hypnosis or any method of becoming straight. Stupid, I know, but I can't help but feel that if I wasn't gay my life would be so much easier.

People will tell me to "accept who you are". But it doesn't feel right. I feel like I should be a straight man.

I don't know what I expect to achieve from writing this. I guess I just need to express how I'm feeling. I know I can't change who I am, and I certainly can't accept myself.

When I read your post I was overwhelmed by the emotion you conveyed and how it reminded me of my own feelings, when I too resisted my sexuality. I had forgotten that I used to pray, that somehow, one day, I’d wake up and be like everyone else. I was so unhappy, so very distressed, as I hid in corners of my life, hoping that no one would notice my true self. Notice a glance, a lasting look, a slip up of any kind or chink in my armour, which would give me away. When I read your post it shook me to the core. I suppose the emotions you wrote of are very hard to revisit and when I did it made me fill up with tears.

I too was desperate to be heard, to be loved, to be part of. I’m not going to tell you what to do and I think deep down you know what has to be done… but it’s so difficult to face the truth, when you on your own.

The answer for me was to leave these shores, after my qualifications were achieved and I headed to one of the major cities on this planet and gave myself a break and found myself. I never looked back. I learnt from the wisdom of those around, that each one of us has a story, and I had far more in common with others then I had ever thought and that I am worth something; I could love and be loved.


I am not alone.

You are not alone.

Bottle_of_Smoke

You say you view porn. This is not a healthy venture as it give a negative impression of people.Porn in my opinion is a form of mind control and overuse of it is a form of mental abuse.

Does it? Never felt that myself, always thought the people in the films were actors.

OP admittedly only one of my close male friends is gay but most people wouldn't realise it about him. You don't have to turn into a camp skinny nightmare.

MAybe start by telling someone you trust. There's no need to replace your friends or anything. But I would agree you should go to one of the groups suggested by others.

xoxyx

OP - I'd say it would be great if you could tell one person at least; a friend or a family member. It would give you a confidante, and, I bet it won't be as bad as you imagine - so it may give you the courage to tell other people.
I have a relative who I think is gay. I may be completely wrong, but that's the vibe I'm getting. I wish to God that he'd say something, because it's obvious that something is bothering him and has been for a long time. If it is a matter of him having trouble coming to terms with his sexuality, I'd be delighted if he'd just tell us, because, when you love somebody, all you want is for them to be happy.
If your friends are worth having, they won't give a crap who you want to hook up with - they'll be glad that you're not worrying about something that you feel you can't tell them about.
If not, they're not proper friends, but I don't think there's many out there that feel that way.

Annasopra

I was bullied in school from the age of about 8 till about 18

I was called bumboy, ******, mcgaylad etc etc

This gave me a hugely negative view of myself and of being gay - because the names people called me were meant in a negative manner - I viewed being gay negatively - I outwardly denied being gay which manifested in inwardly denying it right up until about the age of 22.

I now regret that I could not come out myself for approximately 15 years

Right now - sure I'm still not fully happy but I'm getting there

Just wanted to let firstly let you know that lots of people go through these things and you are not the only one

I will now give you 2 pieces of advice

1: Ring a helpline - you can find a list at www.lgbt.ie
2: Consider coming along to this event (knowing that most people wanting to go are similar to you and don't like "gay" stereotypes and will also be really nervous about attending - read through the whole thread)
http://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showthread.php?t=2055776234

LegacyUser

Hey OP I'm 20 and I'm going through exactly what you describe. All through my teens I just denied I was gay and hoped my feelings would disappear, but they didn't. I honestly wish I was attracted to women as much as men but I know I am not. Only in the last 6 months I have have I started looking at gay porn and chat to guys on-line. I did find talking to gay or 'unsure' guys helpful, as in at least I'm talking about it. I really don't know if I ever want to come out but I suppose if I don't I will probably have a very unhappy life. I'm not into the gay scene and I hate to be associated with it (the scene not actually gay people). And the idea of shacking up with a man for the rest of my life confuses me. I 've always wanted children and a wife. As someone said above I will probably move away somewhere to figure it all out. I think my family and close friends would be grand if I told them so that is a plus I guess.

ajxx

guest2 wrote: »

I am a guy in his early twenties and in college. I am finding it very difficult accepting the fact that I am gay. Even saying that makes me cringe.

I have never been with a guy and by the looks of things, never will.

Hey,

Again a bit of a cliche but i empathise 100%... About 15months ago I was exactly where you are... indeed I came out to one of my best friends on 19th February a year ago and last Friday was the "anniversary"..

For the past number of years I have been on gay porn sites, or sites like gaydar looking to chat with a guy in the hope to meet up. But everytime I come close, I just pull out and do nothing about it.

Been there done that... As I think someone else has said those sites just end up breeding a negative self image. The majority of people on those sites are all about the hook up - and the people that arent are in a similar boat to yourself in that they are unlikely to meet! And the porn sites defo just depersonalise sex to the level where its just an act thats performed casually... Which to some people is fine but people who are gay / bi and want a relationship it can happen that an expectation of casual sex develops...

I am very reluctant to embrace "gay life". I don't like anything about it. I want to go to a club with my mates and dance with some girls, and have a laugh with my friends about women, but I can't. Everytime they talk about women I have to play along and pretend I feel the same way. I don't know if I can put up with this charade anymore.

I still wanna go out and have a lads night but its seriously getting easier. For about 3 years i stopped going out with most of my old friends or would just disappear early in the night... I very occasionally would kiss a girl or (while almost wretching) pretend to be checking a girl out. I could never bring myself to talk about tits nd ass or the usual cr@p...

I can't imagine telling any of my friends or my family. I can't even tell myself.

Someone else mentioned a counsellor... I think that thats something that can really really really help. It kinda helps get you to terms with it in your own head and sort out how your feeling. If your in Dublin TCD and DIT have fantastic conselling services. TCD has a long waiting waiting period so no harm putting your name on the list and having a little think if your not sure. They are 100% confidential.

As for telling friends etc... it gets so much easier with time. Maybe start with counsellor - then maybe a trusted friend and move on.... I'v told two "adult" relations but not parents / siblings. The other day I met an old acquaintance from school and he was asking bout a girl on my facebook - I just said "ah id be more into her boyfriend". A year ago I would have started on some stupid sh1te of excuses...

Everyday I go into college and see good looking guys, some of them my friends, and knowing that nothing will happen between us. It tears me up inside.

Funny... at the risk of sounding like a slut youd be surprised how many of these good looking friends might actually be gay/bi/curious. With 10-11% of the population being gay, your bound to know a few people in the same boat. Im not gonna start on it in a public forum but the sheer amount of closeted but active gay/bi guys both in my college course and among school friends is unbelievable.

When I was young I prayed everyday for God to help me, I looked up things about hypnosis or any method of becoming straight. Stupid, I know, but I can't help but feel that if I wasn't gay my life would be so much easier.

People will tell me to "accept who you are". But it doesn't feel right. I feel like I should be a straight man.

Did the same, hoped if I was with a girl it would be ok. Thought I could have a relationship and love a girl for the person she was. Considered a single life. Tried looking at straight porn. Nada... However it gets a bit better - Now im at the point where I (no exaggeration) feel sorry for straight guys - id hate to have sex with a girl again - I now know how straight guys feel about sex with another guy...

Iv had my sexuality playing on my mind for about 7 years now. For the last four its been a really big part of my life. In school it left me awkward with male friends, afraid of doing sports, afraid of letting something slip, afraid that the boys would pick up on my apparent lack of teenage hormones, afraid of family finding out blah blah blah.

However since then one of these boys let something slip (a comment bout a friend of mine being cute) - and he later came onto me - another did something similar by overcompensating talking bout girls - he too made his move. A third friend who I was terrified of telling retorted by saying hed been playing with someone the week before - hes a year younger than me and it turns out (and I never suspected in his case) that hes did more with boys than I had when I was his age... a fourth who I never had the neck to tell has since kinda guessed and a few weeks ago tried to set me up with a bi-friend of his...

why am I saying that? cause theres a lot more gay guys out there than it seems, your not alone, its not a case of "You SHOULD" be blah blah blah.

I don't know what I expect to achieve from writing this. I guess I just need to express how I'm feeling. I know I can't change who I am, and I certainly can't accept myself.

Maybe from writing that youve started to get yourself used to the idea... maybe you will realise that this is something you can get through. Maybe it will trigger you to taking a positive step.

Good steps would be college counsellor or perhaps even your colleges LGBT Society or a Belong To youth group....
Create a profile and PM me if you wish...

LegacyUser

How could I possibly tell my friends I was gay, even close ones? I would always be thought firstly as gay, not by my personality. If I found out one of my close friends were gay, I certainly wouldn't think of him in the same way. I would more than likely act differently around them. Be more cautious - I know that sounds silly, but you'd always be watching what you say and stuff.

I have considered going to BelongTo - I walk past it everyday going to college. I can't see myself doing it. Why would I want to chat with a bunch of strangers where the only connection between us is that we're gay?

I have also considered counselling, but I think it would be too stressful for me, especially as its my final year in college. And I think the idea of me actually speaking to someone about my feelings, and the fact I am gay, it's very unnerving. I don't talk about feelings...

Someone mentioned how you'd be surprised how many guys I see are gay. Yes, I would be surprised if I ever found out. How would you possibly meet these people if they are like me - in the closet? Gay bars? Not for me.

GalwayGuy92

Hey OP, I know everyone has said it but I know exactly how you feel. Reading these replies makes it sound so easy and it's easy to think 'you dont know my friends', and no I don't but you do know your friends and they know you and if they are any good they will accept this part of you like they do every other aspect of your personality.

I just started to tell people last month, it started as a drunken slip of the tongue to a friend. But then when that person didnt really react, basically at all I thought well maybe it won't be so bad. I told another friend while sober the next day, it was one of the hardest things I've ever done I'm not going to lie. I felt queasy and sick and lightheaded. It revolted me that I had told someone my 'Drity not-so-little secret'. That night I was freaking out, all the usual stuff like "what if this changes things?" etc. but it didn't, not in a bad way at least telling someone brought me closer to that person. I know the fear of rejection by male friends is huge, they may freak out in the beginning and I totally understand where they are coming from, the thought of one of your friends checking you out can't be easy to take. So give them time to come to terms, once they realise your the still same guy they'll get over it.
Telling people helped me alot with the shame I felt and I'm sure by your post you know what I'm talking about. So tell somebody. Start a blog if you cant tell anyone else, there are so many out there that no one reads most of them anyway and you can do it anonymously, just having it out there can be a relief.
I did and still do alothough to a lesser extent share your distaste for the perceived 'gay lifestyle' but I'm beginning to realise that I do not have to partake in that. And also the only reason that we only see this side of the lifestyle is because the other guys who also don't indulge in said lifestyle are hard to spot. I know it's been said before but there are more gay guys out there than you would think.

LegacyUser

im going through the same thing haven't told anyone never really wanted to. but i started going to counselling and its helped. i haven't told anyone for some reason it has really helped to talk about it and i like yourself wouldnt be the kind of person to talk about my feelings. i thinkk everyone comes to a point where they feel like they have to do something positive about it. it took me forever to do something. but im glad ive taken a positive step

DingosAteMyBaby

Jaysus i was the exact same as you. Used to daydream about having a wife and kids etc.. Last year i ended up getting extremely drunk at a party and ended kissing a guy. Had to go to school on the monday and ended up having panic attacks and it was just horrible. All of my friends supported me through it but were too afraid to ask me about and basically just brushed it under the carpet. Ive recently started talking about my sexuality to friends and everyone has been really supportive. Mind you i've only had the courage to do it when i have a few drinks in me. When they bring up to me sober my heart stops and the room spins and i've to try and act cool and caual about it. I can only assume it will get easier! totally agree with the comments about not having to belong to the stereotypical "gay scene" i have been to one gay bar in my life, it was such a cliche, i just knew it wasnt my thing.

But yeah its gonna take a while for me to fully accept that i'm gay, even writing it feels wierd, because i've been keeping it a secret my whole life, but hopefully one day i'l get there and you will to. You just have to take baby steps, thats my advice. Wow i know how to blabber.

Doop

Well op you've taken the first step asking here. Its a long road, and you are definitly not alone.

Im 26, went through eveyrthing you describe, and you would never know unless i told you, and only recently told one friend... it was a huge deal for me to tell him, but was so glad I did, after that it got easier, I told a few other mates, and am kinda surprised how much of a non issue it is, for everyone, it makes me wonder why didnt I tell people before.

You are the way you are... you dont get a choice in these things.
Your mates like you for the person you are not cos they persume your straight.
Ignoring it wont make it go away.
You deserve happniess like everyone else ...

Chin up bro

Annasopra

guest2 wrote: »

How could I possibly tell my friends I was gay, even close ones? I would always be thought firstly as gay, not by my personality. If I found out one of my close friends were gay, I certainly wouldn't think of him in the same way. I would more than likely act differently around them. Be more cautious - I know that sounds silly, but you'd always be watching what you say and stuff.

I have considered going to BelongTo - I walk past it everyday going to college. I can't see myself doing it. Why would I want to chat with a bunch of strangers where the only connection between us is that we're gay?

I have also considered counselling, but I think it would be too stressful for me, especially as its my final year in college. And I think the idea of me actually speaking to someone about my feelings, and the fact I am gay, it's very unnerving. I don't talk about feelings...

Someone mentioned how you'd be surprised how many guys I see are gay. Yes, I would be surprised if I ever found out. How would you possibly meet these people if they are like me - in the closet? Gay bars? Not for me.

You don't have to do any of the above BUT as you said yourself this is tearing you up inside - there's an old quote 'If you always do what you've always done, you'll always get what you've always got - so really the choice is yours - do nothing and let it continue to tear you up inside or do something

perhaps even just ring one of the helplines listed at www.lgbt.ie

stephen_n

guest2 wrote: »

I have also considered counselling, but I think it would be too stressful for me, especially as its my final year in college. And I think the idea of me actually speaking to someone about my feelings, and the fact I am gay, it's very unnerving. I don't talk about feelings...

Have you considered that the strain and demand on your physical resources of trying to bury these feelings will impact far more negatively on your abilities in college than actually unburdening yourself to a counselor would?

Not talking about feelings doesn't mean they go away in fact it will often make them shout louder to be heard, well in my experience anyway, until that noise becomes deafening.

You have come on here to talk about it which suggests on some level you already realise the need to talk about and express what your feeling, imagine the freedom doing it properly and safely might give you!

Rick_

It makes me sad to read threads like this because having come from the same position myself, I would love to get the opportunity to talk to the people that make these threads to help them out in whatever way I can. I was so glad when I took some positive steps to make my situation better and I know that these guys would feel the same too but only if someone could talk to them and help them do it. I'd be more than happy to do it if I could, but if they are unwilling to talk, live at the other end of the country or whatnot it can be difficult.

At least registering on here could help as at least that is some form of contact, even if it is only by PM. To the OP and any other guests reading this thread, if you do want to talk about anything with a like-minded individual then click on my username and find my contact details and get in touch, or even if you don't want to do it by e-mail then register for an account on here, it's free and you don't have to give any personal details, and at least that way we can PM.

Don't sit in silence or suffer alone. If you want any help, even if it is just to say whatever you want to someone who will sit and listen, then please do get in touch.

Chuchoter

My advice, go to Belongto. They are seriously Gods gift to the earth. I don't know what I would do without them. Its for anyone aged 14 to 24, and if your over that theres like a million others at outhouse. Its very casual and fun and you don't really talk about being gay, you just have random banter but you know everyones still in the same boat as you.I found it so hard to accept I was gay until I went there and saw there were loads of other people just like me or who had come out the other side and they really inspired me. I was literally ready to kill myself before I went there. Just go once, you don't have to come back. Everyones really friendly and nice, and from every walk of life imaginable. Its not just a bunch of camp guys and super butch dykes :P

Crushes on straight people suck, no doubt about it. I'm in love with my best friend, who's also the only person I'm really out to. It kills me to look at her and know I can't have her. Porn, weirdly enough, played a pretty big part in me coming to terms with my sexuality also, mainly in realizing I would rather die than let a penis anywhere near me. :P

Although I really empathize with your situation (having been in it until very recently) trust me, being 'reluctant' to admit you're gay, as you put it, is so much worse than even coming out and not being accepted. Its lonely and scary and just generally horrible. I thought for ages I was asexual or had a personality disorder and was doomed to being alone for the rest of my life before the possibility of being gay popped into my head, I was that much in denial. You don't have to partake in any gay lifestyle. Just be who you are, your sexuality is only one component of your whole self. Being in denial will destroy you.

Telling you you are not alone is somewhat irrelevant, all I can say is you won't always feel so alone. You will love and be loved. You will have a career and 2 dogs like everyone else. The world is a dark, horrible place and all you've got is yourself, you owe yourself the chance to love and be loved. Everything will be ok, but you'll have to fight for it.

DubArk

DubArk wrote: »

................

The answer for me was to leave these shores, after my qualifications were achieved and I headed to one of the major cities on this planet and gave myself a break and found myself. I never looked back. I learnt from the wisdom of those around, that each one of us has a story, and I had far more in common with others then I had ever thought and that I am worth something; I could love and be loved.


I am not alone.

You are not alone.

crayolastereo wrote: »

Telling you you are not alone is somewhat irrelevant.............

Thanks for that!!

I really didn’t think my advice was irrelevant but I bow to your greater knowledge!

Chuchoter

DubArk wrote: »

Thanks for that!!

I really didn’t think my advice was irrelevant but I bow to your greater knowledge!

well sorry,touchy, wasn't directed at you personally. Is this an advice contest or something? All I know is that before I accepted myself I didn't care whether I really was alone or not, I just felt really alone because I didn't know any other gay people. Maybe the original poster cares about not being alone or not feeling alone. I don't know, but not all people feel the same way about everything.

esposito

OP i'm in the same boat as you. I'm 24 and have all those thoughts/feelings you mentioned. But after a lot of thought I feel I am ready to accept my sexuality and come out to a few people very soon.

You're probably like me I.E Sporty (into soccer, rugby and golf mainly) have quite a few close straight friends, and you would never in a million years think I was gay if you saw me. I live in south dublin, maybe you do to?;)

It's not worth the pain anymore.Be happy.Life is too short. Come out when you are ready whether that is now or in a few months time.

Boston

For some people the experience of coming to terms with their sexuality is hard, for others it's the hardest thing they'll ever do. You sound like the latter. The advice on this thread thus far as been great, real top quality. But I think you're not in a place were you're ready to hear it just yet. Things arn't bad enough yet for you that you've realised that it's a choice between accepting who you are or being miserable for the rest of your life.

Reality is, there's no guarantee that things will work out for the best and there's no do overs. This is your one chance in life and your pissing it away on all the things you just "cant" bring yourself to do. A year from now you'll be one year older and do you see yourself any happier or better off? You'll be out of college, making your own way in the world. Your circumstances aren't going to get any better then they are now. Your family are still going to be your family, your friends are still going to be your friends, society will still be society. The only difference will be that you're that bit older and that bit deeper into the well of mystery and despair. Am I wrong? Do you think god/allah/whoever is going to fix this for you if you wait long enough, the time will never be right.

DubArk

crayolastereo wrote: »

well sorry,touchy, wasn't directed at you personally. Is this an advice contest or something? All I know is that before I accepted myself I didn't care whether I really was alone or not, I just felt really alone because I didn't know any other gay people. Maybe the original poster cares about not being alone or not feeling alone. I don't know, but not all people feel the same way about everything.

Etiquette is that if your going to slag off another posters advice then expects a reply. Name calling is the lowest form of retort. :P

Pet

Emphatic +1 to Boston's post above.

Maybe you'll wait another year and they'll invent a drug that heterosexualises the brain, and then you can finally turn straight and become happy.

Maybe you'll wait another year and that won't have happened, but you'll still be mired in self-hatred, and, more importantly, self-pity.

Do you think any of us didn't have the same or similar thoughts, at one stage? I have heard tales, whispered in corners at quiet gatherings, of men who were "out" before they left secondary school. Of men who never "came to terms with their sexuality" - they just always were. Those people? They exist, in some supradimensional space, like the Bermuda Triangle, but not in my reality. My reality contains men who are wiser and deeper for their own personal struggles.

This is something you're just going to have to become okay with. Just ****ing deal with it - with the hand you were dealt and the Burden You Bear as a sporty, otherwise masculine guy who happens to be wired to find other men sexually attractive - and become okay with. Not because it's politically correct to do so, not because I'm somewhat harshly telling you to, but because it's going to ruin your chances of any happiness or fulfilment in your life if you don't. Simple as.

I'm not going to make suggestions on how you should go about it. Everyone's journey towards Being Okay With It is a different and entirely personal one, and far be it from me to impede someone's evolution. I can tell you what helped me, and people like me, though: realising that there were guys out there just like you - not in the self-hatred sense, but in the "otherwise entirely bloke-ish and self-identifying similarly" sense. Normal dudes, into sports, and good music, who drink with their friends and have otherwise normal 21st-century male lives, with their sexuality being a just another facet of their being.

The bitter irony for you is that these people will, and do slip completely under your radar. You can't pick them out in a crowd, you encounter them on a daily basis, and you're probably friends with one or two of them - but the only way to both encounter and identify them is to make an effort to meet up with other gay men.

Effort. If you wait, passively, for the world to show you what you need to see, you might be waiting a long time. And effort, for you, implies some degree of acceptance.

Getting out of self-loathing would be a start, I guess, but it's up to you. You have some heavy, heavy work to do in the meantime. Break a leg.

eaglach

This is the guy who originally made this topic. I decided to make an account.

I appreciate all the advice.

I was hoping maybe if I got talking to someone about this kinda thing, I might convince myself (or someone else might convince me) to do something about my current situation.

I don't think I'm quite ready for a place like BelongTo just yet, but if anyones willing to chat with me via PM's or something I'd be greatful.

Rick_

PM sent to you Eaglach.

Check the top right of the screen to access your PM's. You might have got a pop-up already about it anyway depending on what settings you chose when you registered.

pacific89

unregd-guy wrote: »

Hey OP I'm 20 and I'm going through exactly what you describe. All through my teens I just denied I was gay and hoped my feelings would disappear, but they didn't. I honestly wish I was attracted to women as much as men but I know I am not. Only in the last 6 months I have have I started looking at gay porn and chat to guys on-line. I did find talking to gay or 'unsure' guys helpful, as in at least I'm talking about it. I really don't know if I ever want to come out but I suppose if I don't I will probably have a very unhappy life. I'm not into the gay scene and I hate to be associated with it (the scene not actually gay people). And the idea of shacking up with a man for the rest of my life confuses me. I 've always wanted children and a wife. As someone said above I will probably move away somewhere to figure it all out. I think my family and close friends would be grand if I told them so that is a plus I guess.

Hey I'm this guy, followed some advice here and set up an account. Don't know what I hope to achieve but no harm in talking about my situation and get advice from like minded guys and guys that have been through it all before. Tried that on gaydar (I know stupid!) and nobody just wants a chat there, so deleted that account. I really have no intentions of going to belongTo or anything like that so I guess this is the nearest I'll get to talking about it/ seeking advice. So where do I start?

Rick_

Well you can talk about it in this thread or you can PM someone and ask stuff privately if you'd rather the conversation wasn't so public. Feel free to PM me if you like. Just click on my username on the left and go to "Send private message".

Cabbage Brained

guest2 wrote: »

I would always be thought firstly as gay, not by my personality. If I found out one of my close friends were gay, I certainly wouldn't think of him in the same way. I would more than likely act differently around them. Be more cautious - I know that sounds silly, but you'd always be watching what you say and stuff.

This is one of the most common misperceptions that closeted gay people have about other peoples' attitudes towards gays. You would be awkward in a situation like that because you're in the closet and you feel that it would threaten you. 95% of straight people who are comfortable with their sexuality won't feel awkward in situations like that though. Maybe ever so slightly at first, especially if they don't know any other gay people, but they'll very quickly realise that you're just the same person that you always were and everything will go back to normal before you can blink. Trust me, I've been there. You'll be fine.

briankirby

Cabbage Brained wrote: »

This is one of the most common misperceptions that closeted gay people have about other peoples' attitudes towards gays. You would be awkward in a situation like that because you're in the closet and you feel that it would threaten you. 95% of straight people who are comfortable with their sexuality won't feel awkward in situations like that though. Maybe ever so slightly at first, especially if they don't know any other gay people, but they'll very quickly realise that you're just the same person that you always were and everything will go back to normal before you can blink. Trust me, I've been there. You'll be fine.

This is true.Just tell people who are close to you and if they really are your friends then they will stick by you.Being gay isnt what it used to be.In days gone by,it was considered a sin by devout catholic ireland but now its nowhere near as much of a shock.

eaglach

Well I guess you can't really say how straight guys really react to a friend who they thought was straight coming out to them unless they truthfully tell you.

Won't get it on this forum though as I doubt many straight guys come on here!

Tricity Bendix

eaglach wrote: »

Well I guess you can't really say how straight guys really react to a friend who they thought was straight coming out to them unless they truthfully tell you.

Won't get it on this forum though as I doubt many straight guys come on here!

Maybe there are, maybe there aren't. But there are definately dozens of people who have first hand experience of coming out to friends.

feever

Hi, never normally visit this site but this caught my eye.
I can empathise so much. I reckon I knew I was gay from about 12. I didnt admit it to my self till about 33. Went with a bunch of mates to Manchester for the football, got very drunk and blurted it out. not that Id recommend this method for everyone but it worked for me. A bunch of drunk football ans continued eating their Chinese and were only insulted because I didnt fancy them.
I had to tell my family then which was frightning but couldnt have gone better,
and am in a tennis club (not the la di da type) where I change with the other guys and no one minds. All my mates have offered to go in to gay bars etc with me. And some have but I not really into that.

Anyway the reason I posting this is to say that the only person who was ever bothered that I was gay was me. I wish I'd come out 20 years ago. Of course it mighnt be the same for everyone but I think most people dont care.
in relation to the counselling - defo. I was messed up and felt less than human, cried a lot. I went to counselling and it was tough but very worth it. Id recommend it to anyone.
Anyway good luck and dont worry too much. pick a friend first and tell them.
I think you be surprised how well it turns out.

confused_dotcom

Wow. This thread is hard reading. Hard because the truth hurts for me at the minute and I am in exactly in the same position as the OP.
Im 31 now. I have had plenty of girlfriends over the years but in the past few years I have noticed that something is different.

One night out a few years ago, people who werent in our group, started saying I was gay. I couldnt believe it and couldnt understand it.
They apologised a few days later and blamed the drink. Questions were raised in my head, I was 27 at this stage.
A few months later I was talking to a few lads about football in a bar. They turned around and one said "what would he know hes gay".

Again my heart sank. I didnt think I was gay, I didnt want to be gay. What was it? DId I look gay, did I talk gay? Sorry but thats what I was thinking.

Every day since then Ive been asking myself if i was or wasnt.
Every day since then Ive never answered the question.
Maybe Im bi?




Ive now moved away to the back of the beyond, living on my own in a world of doubt and questions.
Ive overheard workmates and family asking "is he gay" when they think im out of earshot.
My cousin is gay. He has come out to family and noone has a problem with it.
Ive overheard my uncle saying "John (gay cousin) thinks Jim (me) is gay"


If everyone else thinks it then I must be? I want to have a wife and kids and all the **** that goes with it but I cant see it happening.
I cant see myself getting close to anyone.


You will say get a grip and accept it. I cant.

The thing is I dont have a personality. If I had a personality people would enjoy my company and wouldnt matter what I was.
Im now a paranoid, loner who has left his friends and family.



Thanks for reading.

Cabbage Brained

confused_dotcom wrote: »

Wow. This thread is hard reading. Hard because the truth hurts for me at the minute and I am in exactly in the same position as the OP.
Im 31 now. I have had plenty of girlfriends over the years but in the past few years I have noticed that something is different.

One night out a few years ago, people who werent in our group, started saying I was gay. I couldnt believe it and couldnt understand it.
They apologised a few days later and blamed the drink. Questions were raised in my head, I was 27 at this stage.
A few months later I was talking to a few lads about football in a bar. They turned around and one said "what would he know hes gay".

Again my heart sank. I didnt think I was gay, I didnt want to be gay. What was it? DId I look gay, did I talk gay? Sorry but thats what I was thinking.

Every day since then Ive been asking myself if i was or wasnt.
Every day since then Ive never answered the question.
Maybe Im bi?




Ive now moved away to the back of the beyond, living on my own in a world of doubt and questions.
Ive overheard workmates and family asking "is he gay" when they think im out of earshot.
My cousin is gay. He has come out to family and noone has a problem with it.
Ive overheard my uncle saying "John (gay cousin) thinks Jim (me) is gay"


If everyone else thinks it then I must be? I want to have a wife and kids and all the **** that goes with it but I cant see it happening.
I cant see myself getting close to anyone.


You will say get a grip and accept it. I cant.

The thing is I dont have a personality. If I had a personality people would enjoy my company and wouldnt matter what I was.
Im now a paranoid, loner who has left his friends and family.



Thanks for reading.

It doesn't matter what other people think.
Do you fantasize about having sex with men? If yes, then you're probably gay. If not, then you're probably not. What other people think is really irrelevant, you have to live your own life.

LeeRoyX

It's always easy to say 'live your life' or 'dont listen to what other people think' but actually it isn't easy at all. I was very dependent on my relatives and friends opinion and it's bad in some way cause i had no kindred spirit to share my grief, feelings and trials with. I suffered so much that some day it would either kill or save me. And i decided to confess my parents who i am. There was much talking and crying but at last i felt a great weight off my mind. At last i felt free and... happy! I learnt how to live on and i dont regret about that. The only thing i regret i didn't do that earlier. But now i can say you should try to change your life for better. And believe me you can do that if i've done. Thanks u understand me

Heebie

guest2 wrote: »

I am a guy in his early twenties and in college. I am finding it very difficult accepting the fact that I am gay. Even saying that makes me cringe.

It is a difficult thing to accept. So difficult that a lot of young people in similar situations to yours choose to hide it, ignore it, run away from it with drugs & alcohol, and an unfortunately large number of gay youths attempt or succeed at committing suicide while trying to deal with what you're dealing with. It's not something that can be belittled.. it's DIFFICULT.
But.. things that are worth doing usually are.

guest2 wrote: »

I have never been with a guy and by the looks of things, never will.

This is going to sound like an old man talking to a young man.. but you're far too young to be assuming you'll never do anything at all.. at your age you honestly don't know who you are yet.. and won't for some time to come short of a miracle. You're still in that part of life where you've just begun to really look at who you are, what you are, what you want, and where you want to go... I'm still working on those bits.. and I'm in my 40's. Advice here: don't rush things.. you don't need to have everything that you want right this minute.. you've got plenty of time to get to know yourself, and to learn how to be who you really are.

guest2 wrote: »

For the past number of years I have been on gay porn sites, or sites like gaydar looking to chat with a guy in the hope to meet up. But everytime I come close, I just pull out and do nothing about it.

You & LOTS of others... plenty of them whom I've NOT met after chatting with them for ages online.

guest2 wrote: »

I am very reluctant to embrace "gay life". I don't like anything about it. I want to go to a club with my mates and dance with some girls, and have a laugh with my friends about women, but I can't. Everytime they talk about women I have to play along and pretend I feel the same way. I don't know if I can put up with this charade anymore.

You shouldn't even consider embracing "gay life".. you should embrace YOUR life... if that doesn't mean getting into the "gay scene" then so be it. I'm not much for clubbing etc.. it's just not me.
I would, however, never be able to again pretend that I was interested in women... ick... maybe you should practice ways to change the topic.. or just ask them what they want at the bar & go buy a round when such a conversation comes up... you could try learning to use gender-neutral pronouns more often.. and while they're talking about girls.. look at the hottest guy in the place & say something like "Yeah.. they're grand!" while thinking about whatever bits he has that turn you on.

guest2 wrote: »

I can't imagine telling any of my friends or my family. I can't even tell myself.

Not true.. you HAVE told yourself.. and that was probably one of the hardest things you've ever done.. and probably one of the hardest things you will ever do. You're on the path you need to follow.. the one that leads to YOU.. you've just begun taking baby steps and are learning to walk.. you'll be able to sprint somewhere down the road.

guest2 wrote: »

Everyday I go into college and see good looking guys, some of them my friends, and knowing that nothing will happen between us. It tears me up inside.

When I was young I prayed everyday for God to help me, I looked up things about hypnosis or any method of becoming straight. Stupid, I know, but I can't help but feel that if I wasn't gay my life would be so much easier.

People will tell me to "accept who you are". But it doesn't feel right. I feel like I should be a straight man.

What you're probably really feeling there is anger and betrayal.. you probably feel like all your hopes & dreamed have been torn away from you. You probably feel betrayed by God. "How could he make me this way" or "why didn't he fix me when I asked." I know I did when I first started dealing with my sexuality.
I'd had dreams of being a dad from the time I was about 7 years old.. I'm now 42 and have no kids. I still sometimes feel a very deep sense of loss, and anger, in relation to the fact that I'm not likely to have any kids, nor to pass on my genes. I have a lot of traits worth passing on.

You're living in a world where you might very well be able to have that dream if it's one you share. You might be able to fall in love & get married and such.. just to another guy instead of to a girl. There are still a lot of possibilities ahead of you. (I suppose some of them are there for me too if I ever meet anyone I'd want to settle down with.)

guest2 wrote: »

I don't know what I expect to achieve from writing this. I guess I just need to express how I'm feeling. I know I can't change who I am, and I certainly can't accept myself.

Hopefully what you expected to acheive was to get it off your chest.

I know, for me, until I looked directly into my own eyes (in a mirror) and said out loud, "Todd. You're gay and you have to learn to deal with it.".. the whole "being gay" thing didnt' seem real. Maybe board.ie is your mirror.

I moved here to Ireland a bit over 4 years ago now.. and this is now the very first place I have ever mentioned my sexuality in a statement someplace not entirely gay-specific. (i.e. gaydar etc..).. so I guess this is kind of a "coming out" for me... it's entirely possible that people I work with might read it.

I hope what I've said is helpful to you (and anyone else in a similar circumstance) in some way!

Exile 1798

eaglach wrote: »

Well I guess you can't really say how straight guys really react to a friend who they thought was straight coming out to them unless they truthfully tell you.

Won't get it on this forum though as I doubt many straight guys come on here!

I'm a straight guy and this is my first time reading this forum. I had no intention of posting anything until I read this.

One of my best friends came out to me when we were 22. We had known each other since we were 7. I had absolutely no idea he was gay, so much so that I thought he was pulling my leg at first.

After I accepted that he was serious, it was done. I don't think of him any differently then I did before. After all before he came out I didn't think of him as my heterosexual mate, just as my mate. That's still the same, when I think of him I think of him as one of my best mates, not as one of my gay mates.

For me and our friendship nothing changed for the worst. In fact for me and our mutual friends - and I've spoken to them, almost nothing changed at all. For him it changed very much for the better, as he knows he's accepted by his mates.

We have the same jokes and conversations as before. Obviously we also have new conversations and new jokes as well. We do the same things.

I can't speak for other straight guys and how they would react, but that's me and my straight friends and that's how we reacted.

AnBealBocht

eaglach wrote: »

Well I guess you can't really say how straight guys really react to a friend who they thought was straight coming out to them unless they truthfully tell you.

Won't get it on this forum though as I doubt many straight guys come on here!

Yes, perhaps just a few straight-curious might log on to this thread, but if so, they will, I think, be suitably impressed by the mature, fair & balanced discussions.

I wish that more maturer men ( not just stars of stage, screen & radio) came out of their closets. Men who are respected & honoured in their communities--such as writers, professors, doctors, attorneys, etc.--and speak in an articulate manner regarding their journey to contentedness despite their being gay.
I strongly feel that these maturer guys owe it to the younger, closeted next generation to articulate clearly & loudly that it is possible to be gay, successful & happy/contended in a world dominated by straights ( for now! :-)

Beruthiel

confused_dotcom wrote: »

Im now a paranoid, loner who has left his friends and family.

Life is short and it's time you gave yourself the love and care you deserve.
Find a professional who will help you talk through this. Who will give you the help you need in finding out who and what you are.
Do it this week, only you can truly help yourself in this, do what it takes to get there. Don't you think you deserve that much?

mcbobbyb

Once your out of college youll have all the time in the world to go and find someone

zoom!

Hey I know its hard but I have a cousin who is in the same situation as you. He goes to the george every saturday night and hes afraid to tell his friends and family. I tell him that we'll still love him for it but he won't come out. He isn't happy with himself and I doubt you are too. You should think about talking to somebody. Maybe other gay men have had similiar situations and can give you some advice

Penitent man

guest2 wrote: »

I am a guy in his early twenties and in college. I am finding it very difficult accepting the fact that I am gay. Even saying that makes me cringe.

I have never been with a guy and by the looks of things, never will.

For the past number of years I have been on gay porn sites, or sites like gaydar looking to chat with a guy in the hope to meet up. But everytime I come close, I just pull out and do nothing about it.

I am very reluctant to embrace "gay life". I don't like anything about it. I want to go to a club with my mates and dance with some girls, and have a laugh with my friends about women, but I can't. Everytime they talk about women I have to play along and pretend I feel the same way. I don't know if I can put up with this charade anymore.

I can't imagine telling any of my friends or my family. I can't even tell myself.

Everyday I go into college and see good looking guys, some of them my friends, and knowing that nothing will happen between us. It tears me up inside.

When I was young I prayed everyday for God to help me, I looked up things about hypnosis or any method of becoming straight. Stupid, I know, but I can't help but feel that if I wasn't gay my life would be so much easier.

People will tell me to "accept who you are". But it doesn't feel right. I feel like I should be a straight man.

I don't know what I expect to achieve from writing this. I guess I just need to express how I'm feeling. I know I can't change who I am, and I certainly can't accept myself.

Unfortunately, I'm in the same boat as you. 28 years old and still haven't faced up to it. Not sure if I ever will. I've known since the early days of secondary school. All my friends are straight and I would give anything to not feel like this. Christ..i can't even say it.

I'm sure my friends and family would be o.k with it, eventually, but it's me where the problem lies. I'm not sure i can accept it.

Like the op I'm not sure what i'm trying to achieve by writing here. There is comfort though in reading other posts and knowing i'm not the only one

Heebie

You don't need to accept a particular lifestyle. You need to accept that it's part of whom you are, THEN figure out how to live your life around that fact. Just because you're gay doesn't mean that you have to start going to gay bars & performing as a drag queen or anything like that... it just means that you are sexually attracted to members of the same sex.
If you CHOOSE to, you can lead a "straight" lifestyle, or be celibate.

One thing for you to think about, however, is that finding true happiness in certain aspects of your life, will be a lot less likely if you choose to suppress that part of yourself, and you'll always feel like you're lying to the people you care about.

It comes down to this: You're gay/bi.. but nothing limits you to living any particular lifestyle. Don't worry about being "gay".. worry about being YOU. You will find a way you can live your life... and hopefully you won't make yourself miserable by making choices that just don't work for you.

Penitent man wrote: »

Unfortunately, I'm in the same boat as you. 28 years old and still haven't faced up to it. Not sure if I ever will. I've known since the early days of secondary school. All my friends are straight and I would give anything to not feel like this. Christ..i can't even say it.

I'm sure my friends and family would be o.k with it, eventually, but it's me where the problem lies. I'm not sure i can accept it.

Like the op I'm not sure what i'm trying to achieve by writing here. There is comfort though in reading other posts and knowing i'm not the only one

bodice ripper

I am a girl, I have a girl friend, I am bi.

Her indoors kills the spiders, I will wear a dress at my wedding, i wear my hair long, I like it when somone holds the door for me, I go red when someone tells me they like my clothes, I like to shop, I like to make faces at small children, I like to dress my cat is amusing clothes, I listen to jewel and fiona apple, I cry my self silly in various films, i bitch about other women.


i think I prety damn girly. I am not sayin that is the case for every one who isn't straight - I am merely saying that wanting sex with the same gender is no reason to thing for definite that it will make you less masculine/feminine

Heebie

I think you've hit upon something that both straights and gays seems to think is true, but definitely isn't.

I can say from experience that there is nothing even remotely "girly" or "feminine" about sex between two men.. it's all testosterone in the room, and it shows.

The idea that men having sex with men makes them LESS manly, or the idea that women are "less feminine" or "less womanly" because they have sex with women is just absurd. (I'd think that sex between two women would potentially be as "feminine" as sex between two men is "masculine".. just by definition, really.)

These types of stereotypes need to die among straights..and much more importantly, among ourselves! (LGBT's)

bodice ripper wrote: »

I am merely saying that wanting sex with the same gender is no reason to thing for definite that it will make you less masculine/feminine

Penitent man

Heebie wrote: »

You don't need to accept a particular lifestyle. You need to accept that it's part of whom you are, THEN figure out how to live your life around that fact. Just because you're gay doesn't mean that you have to start going to gay bars & performing as a drag queen or anything like that... it just means that you are sexually attracted to members of the same sex.
If you CHOOSE to, you can lead a "straight" lifestyle, or be celibate.

One thing for you to think about, however, is that finding true happiness in certain aspects of your life, will be a lot less likely if you choose to suppress that part of yourself, and you'll always feel like you're lying to the people you care about.

It comes down to this: You're gay/bi.. but nothing limits you to living any particular lifestyle. Don't worry about being "gay".. worry about being YOU. You will find a way you can live your life... and hopefully you won't make yourself miserable by making choices that just don't work for you.

Thanks for the advice Heebie. I suppose it all boils down to being comfortable in your own skin. And maybe someday I will be.
Hopefully soon as living as 'straight acting' is hard work and tiresome, constantly watching what I'm saying around friends for fear they might suspect something, that's if they don't already.

Btw this is helping. After years of keeping this to myself i'm now putting it into words. Maybe a step in the right direction.

Heebie

Penitent man wrote: »

living as 'straight acting' is hard work and tiresome, constantly watching what I'm saying around friends for fear they might suspect something, that's if they don't already.

Yes, it's very tiring. Always being afraid that someone might find out. One thing to keep in mind.. if you were to come out.. and some of your friends were to decide to shun you.. were they really ever your friends to begin with?

Penitent man wrote: »

Btw this is helping. After years of keeping this to myself i'm now putting it into words. Maybe a step in the right direction.

Yeah, sharing your feeling should "spread" the burden of dealing with those feelings around a bit... and a community of thousands has a lot more shoulders to spread that burden onto than you do alone.