Lets all be anxious/depressed together.

Call Me Jimmy

Things are really looking bleak for me at the moment. Just struggling to stay out of serious bad thoughts, for no reason in particular am I steering clear other than I know it can get messy if there is no follow through.

At the moment my best dream (really not being dramatic) is to get a room on my own and stay there until I die. I'm 26 ffs, and that's the BEST scenario. I don't have anything left inside me.

ulinbac

Call Me Jimmy wrote: »

Things are really looking bleak for me at the moment. Just struggling to stay out of serious bad thoughts, for no reason in particular am I steering clear other than I know it can get messy if there is no follow through.

At the moment my best dream (really not being dramatic) is to get a room on my own and stay there until I die. I'm 26 ffs, and that's the BEST scenario. I don't have anything left inside me.

CMJ, one of the worst thingd we can do is isolate ourselves no matter how easy it is or how "nice" it may seem. You would be surprised but the times when it seems like we have nothing left and at our weakest is when we show how strong we actually are and can be.

The strength to go from day to day can be exhausting but just remember it will pass and bank those good days in the memory!!

Hugo Stiglitz

Isolation is so bad. Even if you recover mentally/physically you can be left in a scenario that can be detrimental to crashing again

Gillo

Hugo Stiglitz wrote: »

Isolation is so bad. Even if you recover mentally/physically you can be left in a scenario that can be detrimental to crashing again

I haven't posted here in ages (then again I haven't been on boards in months too).

I have to agree with you Hugo, I've found myself in that scenario a few times I think though, or at least from my own experience I was more aware of the potential to crash so was able to take steps to "reduce" the crash.

delthedriver

Call Me Jimmy wrote: »

Things are really looking bleak for me at the moment. Just struggling to stay out of serious bad thoughts, for no reason in particular am I steering clear other than I know it can get messy if there is no follow through.

At the moment my best dream (really not being dramatic) is to get a room on my own and stay there until I die. I'm 26 ffs, and that's the BEST scenario. I don't have anything left inside me.

Understand where you are at the moment soldier.
These bleak days will pass, things will get better.
Take good care of yourself:)

Hersheys

I don't have the words to say what I need to say.

I'm not at risk.

I don't want to end it.

I don't want to cut.

But when the **** is life gonna give me a break and cut me some ****ing slack so there's some chance of things improving?

carly_86

I am feeling really down today. Money worries anxiety problem just feeling crap.

delthedriver

carly_86 wrote: »

I am feeling really down today. Money worries anxiety problem just feeling crap.

Just take it easy. Be kind to yourself.
Get out in the sunshine for a stroll, try and get some fresh air and move those happy endorphins in your head.
Make sure you are taking your meds if you have been prescribed some.Perhaps it is time to have a chat with your GP.
Regarding money worries, in the current economic climate , you are not alone, however a consultation with MABS or your local Citizens advice bureau may help reassure you that things are not as bad as they may seem.
Take very good care of yourself, because your health is your wealth!:)

carly_86

delthedriver wrote: »

Just take it easy. Be kind to yourself.
Get out in the sunshine for a stroll, try and get some fresh air and move those happy endorphins in your head.
Make sure you are taking your meds if you have been prescribed some.Perhaps it is time to have a chat with your GP.
Regarding money worries, in the current economic climate , you are not alone, however a consultation with MABS or your local Citizens advice bureau may help reassure you that things are not as bad as they may seem.
Take very good care of yourself, because your health is your wealth!:)

Thanks for your advice just stuck in a hole work is crap and just feel i am working for nothing. Bills are coming out every week and i aint saving a penny for stuff i used to enjoy doing. I was on meds but came off them cause i couldnt sleep

want to disappear

titan18 wrote: »

Birthday today, nothing like it for making you feel worthless and alone.

Haven't been on this thread for a while, but I just wanted to wish you a happy birthday.

Anahita

I came here by doing a search for the Dean Clinic and St. Pat's so I hope you don't mind if I join you?

It certainly sounds like there are a lot of folks going through the same issues I am going through and it is comforting as I've yet to speak to anyone else except my partner about what I'm going through most recently.

I'm older than some of you, a mum and was diagnosed with a severe depressive episode in the mid 2000s. Since then, and after one dose of Effexor, I've been on various dosages of Molipaxin (trazadone) for depression with slight changes in dosage (from 100mg during the good times up to 300mg at times). In the last six months or so, I've come to terms iwth the fact that the yo-yo cycling diet/excercise vs bingeing/purging/overeating/obesity thing isn't working out too well for me. I finally spoke to the GP about it and I was referred to the Dean Clinic in Sandyford. I had the assessment today and I feel completely worn out and emotionally raw as this was the first time I've ever actually admitted to anyone (even myself?) how crazy the habits and compulsions around food have become.

Since mid-Dec I've gone from a size 10 to a 16. I feel miserable, unhappy, disgusting, worthless, and find life is hard to wake up to everyday. Not to say I was the picture of mental health before, mind you, but at least I was a bit more stable and could 'pick myself up and dust myself off' more readily. I've lost my perspective entirely. A lot of the major symptoms I had during the initial episode (paranoia, unable to get out of bed, unexplained pain, constant uncontrolled crying, not leaving the house) have reoccured though in a more subtle way and I've realised that I had to do something about this.

Anyway, it's been suggested that I go asap into inpatient in St. Pat's to stablise my food intake/obsessions and also to wean me off Molipaxin and onto something that is more commonly used for eating disorders/depression. The consultant did mention the name but i was so messy and all over the place I don't remember the name of it! Anyway, a two week stay was suggested which is scary, terrifying and probably in some way a relief, too.

At the moment, the only person who knows about this admission (which I'm not sure will go ahead as a bed must be secured first) is my partner. For certain reasons, it will be noticed I'll be away from home by some neighbours/friends and some work colleagues/friends. Most of them saw me through the earlier episode 8+ yrs ago and they know the issues as well as the signs (me hibernating, etc) so I doubt it'll be a surprise for anyone but I'm going to maybe send a group email if/when I find out when I'll be admitted just saying I'm taking some time out to work on a few things and I won't be around and I'll see them in a few weeks. I don't want to be purposefully cryptic, however, I also don't really want to be 'monitored' and whatever.

At the moment, the overriding guilt I have is about what a sh1t mother and partner I am for being so selfish and self-indulgent frankly to need so much intervention. I'm alternating between being totally normal and functional with being quite frankly erratic and weepy. The consultant reckons having some uninterrupted time to think, talk, be told what to eat and when would help and I agree.

Just wanted to share where I am and what's going on with me and wish you all well. I will just chime in as I did read about 40 pages of this thread! that when I did by accident miss one or two doses (I take mine before bed) of Molipaxin, I got very bad symptoms of withdrawl and am concerned that the time in Pats will be a lot of the same as from what I gather, I have to be weaned off the Moli and onto something else. Does anyone have experience with this? It's possible maybe that they'll reduce one while slowly introducing the other? I don't know.

Anyway, I really enjoy (do I enjoy anything anymore? no!) reading everyone else's posts about their struggles as it does make me feel less alone and 'crazy'... Thanks in advance if you made it through this mental splurge!

Gremlinertia

Heyo, welcome to the thread Anahita - one thing i want to say is try not to pay too much attention to the guilt, now i'm aware that it isn't easy said as done, but what holds a lot of us (i'm no exception) back is being mired in guilt. I have discussed this with my friend, and her opinion is f**k the guilt, i just want to see you feeling better.. True friends/partners never see you as a burden, they may be a bit worn out from time to time but that's a very different thing.

Now back to the couch and junk telly for me..

who_me

Welcome Anahita! Depression (or anxiety) are tough for anyone to deal with, but for mothers it must be even tougher with all the constant pressures they have on them (plus the social pressure to be selfless, never complaining etc.)

Hopefully you go through with the inpatient stay. 2 weeks is nothing compared to a lifetime ahead with your partner & children, so if it helps you get back on track it's definitely worth it. There's nothing selfish about it, the best thing you can do for your children is give them their happy, healthy Mum back! Best of luck.

Anahita

Thank you who_me and Gremlinertia...it's nice to be able to talk to people who have been through similar things. I am not so sure this admission is going to happen as so far I've heard nothing and left a few voicemails at St. Pats. We'll see but to be honest, after reading a good bit about the withdrawl from Trazadone (Molipaxin) 200mg at my dose, I'm horrified that most of the time will be spent detoxing. Anyway, i'll try to keep up to date here and see how every one else is getting on.

Today I have a few odd jobs to do in town and the thought of leaving the house is daunting but I kind of have to do it so...

How are you all today?

Hugo Stiglitz

Despite recently talking about isolation, I pulled out of a rare social event at the last minute last night. The dread just hit me and my mood plummeted as a consequence.

Hersheys

Does anyone else find it ridiculously difficult to take a compliment?

Gremlinertia

Hersheys wrote: »

Does anyone else find it ridiculously difficult to take a compliment?

Yup, but it seems most irish people, without trying to generalise too much, find it at least difficult to accept a compliment - nice dress; what this old thing, like your hair; ssh sure it's a state. That sorta thing.

However i feel your discomfort, try store the compliment until you feel able to accept it.. A few hours makes a great difference Hope you are keeping well..

delthedriver

carly_86 wrote: »

Thanks for your advice just stuck in a hole work is crap and just feel i am working for nothing. Bills are coming out every week and i aint saving a penny for stuff i used to enjoy doing. I was on meds but came off them cause i couldnt sleep

OK, when things settle down is there any opportunity to change jobs, perhaps find something more fulfilling.

I would in your situation talk to the GP about sorting the issues you are having with the meds. Take good care of yourself, please:)

Anahita

Well, I got the date. I'll be admitted on Monday or Tuesday. It's a big step for me and I'm quite surprised. Looking forward to getting a bit of stability as I feel as if I'm in some kind of drug induced holding pattern. It'll be good to be off this poison for the first time in seven years!

I have no idea what to expect re: routine, what if any therapies I'll have and what the sleeping/eating/etc arrangments are. In general, I'd place myself in the 'apprehensive with flashes of panic' category!

delthedriver

Anahita wrote: »

Well, I got the date. I'll be admitted on Monday or Tuesday. It's a big step for me and I'm quite surprised. Looking forward to getting a bit of stability as I feel as if I'm in some kind of drug induced holding pattern. It'll be good to be off this poison for the first time in seven years!

I have no idea what to expect re: routine, what if any therapies I'll have and what the sleeping/eating/etc arrangments are. In general, I'd place myself in the 'apprehensive with flashes of panic' category!

Anahita,

Hope all goes well for you. Relax , go with the flow and take one day at a time.

Best Wishes:)

Anahita

Thanks, Del
I'm hoping someone who has been to same place will chime in with words of reassurance.

Call Me Jimmy

*Chime*

Really, my experience is that those environments are very comfortable, and the patients are almost too caring about each other.

Also, voluntary admissions are usually kept together and are I hate to say it but for want of a better word 'normal'. Ye know what I mean! I sometimes find myself pining for my times in the hospital, you can relax your mind about it, trust me.

Anahita

Call Me Jimmy wrote: »

*Chime*

Really, my experience is that those environments are very comfortable, and the patients are almost too caring about each other.

Also, voluntary admissions are usually kept together and are I hate to say it but for want of a better word 'normal'. Ye know what I mean! I sometimes find myself pining for my times in the hospital, you can relax your mind about it, trust me.

It's fantastic to hear you say that. I was told very little about what the 'plan' is there for me and I have only what is on the hospital website (very little) to go on as far as what to expect. I'm just hoping I can feel comfortable and relaxed as I'm there for a limited two week programme with an emphasis on getting me off a medication and possibly onto a new one. I'm not even sure if I'm in the ED unit or not? I'm hoping to get more answers tomorrow!

Thanks so much for your comment! Makes me feel better.

Call Me Jimmy

Best of luck with it, those well worn tracks in the brain of an obsessive compulsive are hard to break out of. Just today I realised how out-of-control I am of the things I do relating to my obsession, it's no life. I hope you fare better than me!

Lightbulb Sun

Anahita, i did a post for another user recently that answered a few questions about the procedure in that hospital. If you click on my profile and look for my posts in this forum, you should find it.

Anahita

Finally found it thank you LightbulSun. Appreciate it.

Found this too...the part two is even better!

http://hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.ie/search?updated-min=2011-01-01T00:00:00-07:00&updated-max=2012-01-01T00:00:00-07:00&max-results=5

Anahita

Call Me Jimmy wrote: »

Best of luck with it, those well worn tracks in the brain of an obsessive compulsive are hard to break out of. Just today I realised how out-of-control I am of the things I do relating to my obsession, it's no life. I hope you fare better than me!

I'm more depressed/compulsive sometimes manic... Nice to meet you.

carly_86

delthedriver wrote: »

OK, when things settle down is there any opportunity to change jobs, perhaps find something more fulfilling.

I would in your situation talk to the GP about sorting the issues you are having with the meds. Take good care of yourself, please:)

Easier said then done trying to find a new job

delthedriver

carly_86 wrote: »

Easier said then done trying to find a new job

I appreciate what you said. However you are as good or better than the next candidate. Perhaps you need to reinvent yourself, you have developed life and job skills in your current job which may be attractive to a new Employer,

At least update your CV and see what options are available to you. Believe in yourself.:)

Why not talk to some jib placement agencies in your area of interest?:)

Gremlinertia

Due to a day where i felt like not getting up my back is now feckin agony. Can't even wallow in my misery without a penalty of some sort.. Ah well.. Painkillers and yet more tea.

How is everyone today?