The woman in the mirror

LegacyUser

I've been an attractive girl. I didn't have looks you could make a living out of but I've always been highly rated for attractiveness, charm and style. Obviously when I was younger I didn't realise this but I still traded on it. I travelled alot, met interesting people and was offered modeling jobs, (mostly none paying!) of various types randomly, which I never pursued as I wasn't confident and wouldn't have recognised an opportunity if it smacked me across the head. I also had access to smart, attractive men but didn't realise what was in front of me. I just assumed that all the doors that looks and charm opened would be open forever.

Now I'm thirty five. About three years go the 'thirties look' was really suiting me - cheekbones and all that. But I'm not liking the wrinkles around my eyes or laughter lines. I've always been fond of the men and used to be able to nail a stranger across a room with a glance (if you know what I mean, lol, yes I know how ridiculous this sounds!) and now I'm too afraid to even try.

Worst of all is that I suspect its only down hill from here!

I also keep feeling that I squandered myself on pointless men and situations when I could have sorted myself out with a nice lifestyle instead. I was naive. My attractiveness (moreso than my looks) gave me access not just to pretty people but to smart people. You wouldn't believe some of the people I've had dinner with and not just on dates. I was twenty one years old sitting at dinner parties in foreign mansions with leading intellectuals, famous actors, political journalist and artists and I didn't even know what they were talking about! I'd just smile and blush and everyone thought I was great! Now I would lap it up and have so much to add - but would I be invited to the party?

I am in a good relationship with a nice man. But I feel like I'm loosing one of my survival tools. Its not just about finding men, of course, its the whole game that I'm missing. Nothing beats walking into a room knowing that (unless you are having an unlucky night) you are the hottest thing in it. And I'll NEVER have that feeling again. Though I know I'm very, very lucky to have ever had that feeling. I just hate to say goodbye to it and I dread life as a woman of a certain age wearing a cardigan and drinking tea (though I'm already doing it!)
Sometimes I don't want to go out because I feel like people who know me as a chick will judge my downfall!

I don't know if this is just a crisis in confidence or if this is the future.

If anyone has been through this and found there's more to life than being desirable, please let me know!

Princess Consuela Bananahammock

You probably know this already, but it's all in your mind. Anyway, how do you know you're not desireable? Someone obviously desires you.

What has passed is a phase part of your life that served its purpose. You had a good time, you moved on. It wasn't about the looks, though, it's about being in your early twenties and carefree. Whatever about the looks, that's not comign back.

Now, it's time for a different experience. You said yourself: you could go to a party now with "so much to add" whereas before, you had no idea what people were talking about. This is what you need to be proud of and to portray at parties. Men do find intelligent women attractive (usually more attractive) than the lightweight bimbo.

kmick

Susan Sarandon is almost 60 and looks great. With a bit of care and proper diet and lots of water and sleep people can look great for another 20 years past 35. Dont give up just yet.

Forest Master

Sounds like your lifestyle thus far has been formed based on shallow ideals. Now your looks are starting to fade, you're starting to realise this & dont know what to do.

Not much you can do, I guess, except deal with the reality. Your looks have made life much easier for you up to this point, and now you're worried that your personality & intellect can't carry you going forward.

LegacyUser

OP, my God I could have written that, word for word.

All I can say to you is, it IS a grieving process. Some people will never understand. Like you I was a head turner. I hadn't a clue at the time the power it wielded and I was always oblivious.

I saw photos of me aged 20 a while ago and I couldn't believe how stunning I was. I didn't even know it. Like you I always had the power with men, i never manipulated it or used it as other girls would have done. I just didn't know how -I was in my own little world. Oblivious.

Anyway, I am 40 now, but I have found it hard to accept my looks going. Since I was in my early 30's I have been getting botox/fillers etc it had paid off as I look 10 years younger and my current man is late 20's. But still I do not identify with this mature woman I see before me.

People will go on about they wouldn't change their wrinkles, that they give them character and its shallow to mourn your looks but I disagree. Those are empty platitudes.

Like you I have modelling pics too, I never look at them though. I know what you mean re doors opening and I used to be very shy with the attention. To come from that sort of effortlessly magical and charmed existance to the humdrum everydayness of being and ordinary middle ages woman is hard. Yes I am vain, yes I am shallow but my brain still finds it difficult to accept this new reality.

Don't let others write off your grief as shallow, you seem sensible enough not to wallow in it but I just want to let you know it is real. A beautiful woman has further to fall I suppose.

Getting the botox etc has helped and I will get a facelift as soon as I get those droopy chops people get on their faces. I dont care what people think. I just cant bear to look at some hag in the mirror!

LegacyUser

YoursovainIbet wrote: »

I've been an attractive girl. I didn't have looks you could make a living out of but I've always been highly rated for attractiveness, charm and style. Obviously when I was younger I didn't realise this but I still traded on it. I travelled alot, met interesting people and was offered modeling jobs, (mostly none paying!) of various types randomly, which I never pursued as I wasn't confident and wouldn't have recognised an opportunity if it smacked me across the head. I also had access to smart, attractive men but didn't realise what was in front of me. I just assumed that all the doors that looks and charm opened would be open forever.

Now I'm thirty five. About three years go the 'thirties look' was really suiting me - cheekbones and all that. But I'm not liking the wrinkles around my eyes or laughter lines. I've always been fond of the men and used to be able to nail a stranger across a room with a glance (if you know what I mean, lol, yes I know how ridiculous this sounds!) and now I'm too afraid to even try.

Worst of all is that I suspect its only down hill from here!

I also keep feeling that I squandered myself on pointless men and situations when I could have sorted myself out with a nice lifestyle instead. I was naive. My attractiveness (moreso than my looks) gave me access not just to pretty people but to smart people. You wouldn't believe some of the people I've had dinner with and not just on dates. I was twenty one years old sitting at dinner parties in foreign mansions with leading intellectuals, famous actors, political journalist and artists and I didn't even know what they were talking about! I'd just smile and blush and everyone thought I was great! Now I would lap it up and have so much to add - but would I be invited to the party?

I am in a good relationship with a nice man. But I feel like I'm loosing one of my survival tools. Its not just about finding men, of course, its the whole game that I'm missing. Nothing beats walking into a room knowing that (unless you are having an unlucky night) you are the hottest thing in it. And I'll NEVER have that feeling again. Though I know I'm very, very lucky to have ever had that feeling. I just hate to say goodbye to it and I dread life as a woman of a certain age wearing a cardigan and drinking tea (though I'm already doing it!)
Sometimes I don't want to go out because I feel like people who know me as a chick will judge my downfall!

I don't know if this is just a crisis in confidence or if this is the future.

If anyone has been through this and found there's more to life than being desirable, please let me know!

I thought the feeling of graduating from college or being smart or nailing that job was the best feeling ever, now I know where i've been going wrong. Note to self start fluttering your eyelashes and laughing at mens stupid jokes. Please you need to realise there's more to life than being a dollybird, are you happy in your career, with your friends, any hobbies?

Just the same

Just the same wrote: »

OP, my God I could have written that, word for word.

All I can say to you is, it IS a grieving process. Some people will never understand. Like you I was a head turner. I hadn't a clue at the time the power it wielded and I was always oblivious.


Don't let others write off your grief as shallow, you seem sensible enough not to wallow in it but I just want to let you know it is real. A beautiful woman has further to fall I suppose.

!

Or perhaps some people have a lot more going for them than their shallow physical beauty. It's common sense to know that looks fade, did no-one tell you that during your 'beautiful years'? I think your attitude is really condescending, as if no-one could understand if they weren't beautiful. I know a good few models (I've done some modelling myself but not to the level of these girls) who have had serious careers, I'm talking apartments in New York provided by their agencies, fashion shows all over Europe, pictures in Vogue. Undoubtedly stunning women, yet every single one of them has a knockout personality to match. They're funny, interesting, have a rake of hobbies (musical instruments, languages, outdoor sports...) and are intelligent, several of them are currently doing postgrad study. They used their looks, but they didn't rely on their looks. They all knew that at some point in the not-so-distant future (and they're all 24-28) that the lines would appear, the boobs would start to sag, and they'd need other things to get through life.

Even myself, I get a lot of attention walking around, I get chatted up a lot, but so what? Nobody is going to be interested in a woman with the personality of soggy cardboard. I love my make-up and I love putting cute outfits together, but my main interests are my studies, my future career, my hobbies, spending time with friends. The very thought of sitting at a dinner party fluttering my eyelashes makes me sick to my stomach. The idea of being eye candy for leading intellectuals is repulsive. I might as well be standing on a street corner.

Yourself and OP built this superficial 'reality' for yourselves. The options were always there, you just didn't take them. Of course no woman is going to be delighted when the appreciative glances start to lessen and it becomes time to start using Eight Hour Cream, but it's not the end of the world. It's time to realise that you can't coast by on good looks and youthful charm any longer and start using your other talents. If you don't have any other talents, that's no-one's fault but yours. These ideas about not being worth anything now and people judging your 'downfall' are all in your head.

LegacyUser

Hey, why is everyone assuming there are no other talents. My youth was busily spent at college and developing many hobbies in music, writing and photography etc I'm sure OP had plenty else going on too.

Nowhere in either mine or OP's post did we mention we were underdeveloped in other areas. Those are conclusions jumped to by other posters.

However, despite all the enrichment and satisfaction that is got from developing talents and the like there really is no substitute for the narcissictic high of youth and beauty OP mentioned. I wouldn't have even been able to name it at the time but thats what it was.

What OP has said in her Original post has become taboo these days. If a woman feels sad about losing her youth and beauty then that is a valid emotion. People spouting cliches about her being underdeveloped in other areas and being vain and shallow are not helping.

Feelings are just feelings.

LegacyUser

YoursovainIbet wrote: »

I've been an attractive girl. I didn't have looks you could make a living out of but I've always been highly rated for attractiveness, charm and style. Obviously when I was younger I didn't realise this but I still traded on it. I travelled alot, met interesting people and was offered modeling jobs, (mostly none paying!) of various types randomly, which I never pursued as I wasn't confident and wouldn't have recognised an opportunity if it smacked me across the head. I also had access to smart, attractive men but didn't realise what was in front of me. I just assumed that all the doors that looks and charm opened would be open forever.
Now I'm thirty five. About three years go the 'thirties look' was really suiting me - cheekbones and all that. But I'm not liking the wrinkles around my eyes or laughter lines. I've always been fond of the men and used to be able to nail a stranger across a room with a glance (if you know what I mean, lol, yes I know how ridiculous this sounds!) and now I'm too afraid to even try.

Worst of all is that I suspect its only down hill from here!

I also keep feeling that I squandered myself on pointless men and situations when I could have sorted myself out with a nice lifestyle instead. I was naive. My attractiveness (moreso than my looks) gave me access not just to pretty people but to smart people. You wouldn't believe some of the people I've had dinner with and not just on dates. I was twenty one years old sitting at dinner parties in foreign mansions with leading intellectuals, famous actors, political journalist and artists and I didn't even know what they were talking about! I'd just smile and blush and everyone thought I was great! Now I would lap it up and have so much to add - but would I be invited to the party?

I am in a good relationship with a nice man. But I feel like I'm loosing one of my survival tools. Its not just about finding men, of course, its the whole game that I'm missing. Nothing beats walking into a room knowing that (unless you are having an unlucky night) you are the hottest thing in it. And I'll NEVER have that feeling again. Though I know I'm very, very lucky to have ever had that feeling. I just hate to say goodbye to it and I dread life as a woman of a certain age wearing a cardigan and drinking tea (though I'm already doing it!)
Sometimes I don't want to go out because I feel like people who know me as a chick will judge my downfall!I don't know if this is just a crisis in confidence or if this is the future.

If anyone has been through this and found there's more to life than being desirable, please let me know!

Justthesame have you actually read this post, the statements above would lead anyone to believe that OP's whole life was based around her looks and batting her eyelids to get what she wants, so people have been fair in their comments. She said it gave her access to smart people, I would have thought someone who was well educated or made a career for themselves wouldn't need to rely on their looks to gain access to "smart" people. It beggars belief that there is still women out there with this attitude in this day and age.

Just the same

Just the same wrote: »

Hey, why is everyone assuming there are no other talents. My youth was busily spent at college and developing many hobbies in music, writing and photography etc I'm sure OP had plenty else going on too.

Nowhere in either mine or OP's post did we mention we were underdeveloped in other areas. Those are conclusions jumped to by other posters.

However, despite all the enrichment and satisfaction that is got from developing talents and the like there really is no substitute for the narcissictic high of youth and beauty OP mentioned. I wouldn't have even been able to name it at the time but thats what it was.

What OP has said in her Original post has become taboo these days. If a woman feels sad about losing her youth and beauty then that is a valid emotion. People spouting cliches about her being underdeveloped in other areas and being vain and shallow are not helping.

Feelings are just feelings.

What came through in the OP's post was that she had little else outside her looks. She said she sat at dinner parties not understanding what people were talking about etc. I do understand someone being sad about losing their youth and beauty. Everyone does, but for most people, their physical appearance is just one little part of who they are. It seems that the OP has made it into something much bigger than that. Yes, of course it is hard when guys are no longer running to hold doors open or helping with your bags, but that's the time when other things should become more important. It is quite sad when you see middle aged women trying to hang onto their youthful look and not letting it go. I mean, it's great to look good and make an effort, but the vapid dolly bird types start to look sad when they get past their twenties. I got the impression that the OP used her looks instead of developing other aspects of her personality and is now suffering for that.

LegacyUser

[quote=[Deleted User];64476524]Or perhaps some people have a lot more going for them than their shallow physical beauty. It's common sense to know that looks fade, did no-one tell you that during your 'beautiful years'? I think your attitude is really condescending, as if no-one could understand if they weren't beautiful. I know a good few models (I've done some modelling myself but not to the level of these girls) who have had serious careers, I'm talking apartments in New York provided by their agencies, fashion shows all over Europe, pictures in Vogue. Undoubtedly stunning women, yet every single one of them has a knockout personality to match. They're funny, interesting, have a rake of hobbies (musical instruments, languages, outdoor sports...) and are intelligent, several of them are currently doing postgrad study. They used their looks, but they didn't rely on their looks. They all knew that at some point in the not-so-distant future (and they're all 24-28) that the lines would appear, the boobs would start to sag, and they'd need other things to get through life.

Even myself, I get a lot of attention walking around, I get chatted up a lot, but so what? Nobody is going to be interested in a woman with the personality of soggy cardboard. I love my make-up and I love putting cute outfits together, but my main interests are my studies, my future career, my hobbies, spending time with friends. The very thought of sitting at a dinner party fluttering my eyelashes makes me sick to my stomach. The idea of being eye candy for leading intellectuals is repulsive. I might as well be standing on a street corner.

Yourself and OP built this superficial 'reality' for yourselves. The options were always there, you just didn't take them. Of course no woman is going to be delighted when the appreciative glances start to lessen and it becomes time to start using Eight Hour Cream, but it's not the end of the world. It's time to realise that you can't coast by on good looks and youthful charm any longer and start using your other talents. If you don't have any other talents, that's no-one's fault but yours. These ideas about not being worth anything now and people judging your 'downfall' are all in your head.[/QUOTE]



What is this Eight Hour Cream you speak of and where do I get some? ;-)

I'm the OP BTW.

I'd never have made it as a top model because I was never tall enough and was too clueless to pursue it anyway! I was also never a dolly bird - in fact being a dolly bird is how NOT to attract quality company. I never went after rich men (in fact I couldn't have ended up with poorer ones if I'd tried!) and I've had a satisfying career (until being made redundant in Nov).

Looks and personality aren't mutually exclusive - you said yourself that the top models you know have both. Part of my success when I was younger was that I was considered good company (looks alone are never enough - unless you're Naomi Campbell!) but even if I was eye candy for intellectuals, I still feel privileged that I got to sit in and learn from those people (its just a killer that I had access to these great minds at a time when I didn't know enough about the world to join in). I still wouldn't have missed out on those experiences for anything - and I don't think I would have had those experiences if I wasn't young and beautiful - and had a good personality, thats a given - but I'm pretty sure personality alone would not jetted me to the world's best dinner parties.

Everyone knows they won't be young and stunning forever. This hasn't come as a surprise and of course I know there is more to life and always has been. But I am surprised by how much I'm grieving for it. Walking into a room looking amazing would give me a massive adrenaline rush, maybe thats not your thing but for me it has been a gift that has enhanced my life.

Yes, I know its not the end of the world.... and maybe I'm just having a crisis in confidence and as someone said its (mostly) all in my mind... but still. I would frown now but my face might get creased!

metrovelvet

You shouldnt have wrinkles already. You dont take care of yourself? Do you smoke and drink?

Emme

It's sad that this woman sat at dinner parties in her 20s and didn't understand what was going on around her. Did she make any attempt to understand? Did she not realise that her looks brought her into contact with people others would kill to be around? The least she could do was to learn something from it.

It's one thing to trade on looks for knowledge and enlightenment, but it's utterly stupid to trade on looks alone and not make provision for a time when the looks are gone. Having said that, a woman with wit and personality will sparkle at any age and getting older isn't such a big deal. Botox and fillers make a mask out of a woman's face and stop the personality getting through. There's more to life than what's looking back at you from the mirror.

LegacyUser

YoursovainIbet wrote: »

What is this Eight Hour Cream you speak of and where do I get some? ;-)

I'm the OP BTW.

I'd never have made it as a top model because I was never tall enough and was too clueless to pursue it anyway! I was also never a dolly bird - in fact being a dolly bird is how NOT to attract quality company. I never went after rich men (in fact I couldn't have ended up with poorer ones if I'd tried!) and I've had a satisfying career (until being made redundant in Nov).

Looks and personality aren't mutually exclusive - you said yourself that the top models you know have both. Part of my success when I was younger was that I was considered good company (looks alone are never enough - unless you're Naomi Campbell!) but even if I was eye candy for intellectuals, I still feel privileged that I got to sit in and learn from those people (its just a killer that I had access to these great minds at a time when I didn't know enough about the world to join in). I still wouldn't have missed out on those experiences for anything - and I don't think I would have had those experiences if I wasn't young and beautiful - and had a good personality, thats a given - but I'm pretty sure personality alone would not jetted me to the world's best dinner parties.

Everyone knows they won't be young and stunning forever. This hasn't come as a surprise and of course I know there is more to life and always has been. But I am surprised by how much I'm grieving for it. Walking into a room looking amazing would give me a massive adrenaline rush, maybe thats not your thing but for me it has been a gift that has enhanced my life.

Yes, I know its not the end of the world.... and maybe I'm just having a crisis in confidence and as someone said its (mostly) all in my mind... but still. I would frown now but my face might get creased!

You say you were never a dolly bird, yet you say you were too clueless to become a model and that you were invited places because of your looks??? Hmmm

LegacyUser

metrovelvet wrote: »

You shouldnt have wrinkles already. You dont take care of yourself? Do you smoke and drink?

I have the odd cigarette and do drink from time to time. But the main problem is that I have the kind of very fair Irish skin that gets 'weathered' easily (though I do avoid the sun). My mother was the same, though she has been a heavy smoker all her life and looks it. And I have dark circles. People do sometimes mistake me for younger than I am but thats because I have big eyes and small facial features and still act quite young, but in the cold light of day (especially mornings!) I wouldn't say I'm aging particularly well.

Thanks for the support justthesame. Its nice to be understood! Its true that its not PC to say that looks have mattered in your life.

Just for the record, there is alot of other stuff in my life. I'm educated to postgrad level, I've just started collecting ideas for a blog, I've had solo exhibitions of my photography in the past and I'm a superb cook (modest too!). I've also had a successful career in a very competitive area, though I'm out of work right now as my employers went out of business before Christmas.

So looks or attractiveness was never the whole picture for me, just a part of my life that gave me enormous pleasure and led to wonderful experiences. I miss that part of my life. I'm well capable of immersing myself in my writing or photography for hours, just as I'm (now!) well capable of holding a great conversation at a dinner party and I still get attention when I scrub up... but I miss the adrenaline rush, and I miss the opportunities. And the real kicker is that, rather than being the good girl with the degree and the hobbies, I could've taken advantage of the opportunities my looks gave me to set up a much more interesting and glamorous life!

That doesn't mean being a street walker, it means having a bit of sense! My looks gave me access to interesting cliques who I never even had the sense to stay in touch with and even to career opportunities that couldn't recognise.... and frankly, I also had the attention of wonderful older men, but I didn't even realise how fantastic they were because I didn't know any better back then! Aaaaargh... oh but I did work on my hobbies instead.... maybe you're all correct... the brain power must have been lacking! LOL.

Well I suppose I'll end up with the face I deserve... but if there's any hot young things reading this my advice would be to get out there and work it baby!

How much does botox cost and does it feel uncomfortable to have frozen muscles?

LegacyUser

YoursovainIbet wrote: »

What is this Eight Hour Cream you speak of and where do I get some? ;-)

I'm the OP BTW.

I'd never have made it as a top model because I was never tall enough and was too clueless to pursue it anyway! I was also never a dolly bird - in fact being a dolly bird is how NOT to attract quality company. I never went after rich men (in fact I couldn't have ended up with poorer ones if I'd tried!) and I've had a satisfying career (until being made redundant in Nov).

Looks and personality aren't mutually exclusive - you said yourself that the top models you know have both. Part of my success when I was younger was that I was considered good company (looks alone are never enough - unless you're Naomi Campbell!) but even if I was eye candy for intellectuals, I still feel privileged that I got to sit in and learn from those people (its just a killer that I had access to these great minds at a time when I didn't know enough about the world to join in). I still wouldn't have missed out on those experiences for anything - and I don't think I would have had those experiences if I wasn't young and beautiful - and had a good personality, thats a given - but I'm pretty sure personality alone would not jetted me to the world's best dinner parties.

Of course personality wouldn't but think about it. They were hardly the worlds greatest minds really were they. When you're young and naive its easy to be blinded by people fluffing themselves up banging on about neitche or whatever. The truth be told they would have been looking at you and would have traded ALL their supposed intellect/sophistication etc for one day in your body. They would just like we would now....people go on about your face getting personality etc as you get older...its pure bullsh1t, I would trade all the personality/experience etc I have now to be young again. Although I would have run a mile from 'dinner parties' as I would have considered that embarrassing and uncool no matter what they laid out.

Thats the truth. As people get older they say they prefer being the way they are but thats because they have no choice. They are making the best of their lot, we lose our objectivity as we get older and we dont have a choice and claim we prefer what we have. BUT if we all had the choice to go back to being a Goddess with a fairly blank mind or be a rounded older woman....which would it be?

For me there its a no brainer. Youth all the way.

YoursovainIbet

YoursovainIbet wrote: »

What is this Eight Hour Cream you speak of and where do I get some? ;-)

I'm the OP BTW.

I'd never have made it as a top model because I was never tall enough and was too clueless to pursue it anyway! I was also never a dolly bird - in fact being a dolly bird is how NOT to attract quality company. I never went after rich men (in fact I couldn't have ended up with poorer ones if I'd tried!) and I've had a satisfying career (until being made redundant in Nov).

Looks and personality aren't mutually exclusive - you said yourself that the top models you know have both. Part of my success when I was younger was that I was considered good company (looks alone are never enough - unless you're Naomi Campbell!) but even if I was eye candy for intellectuals, I still feel privileged that I got to sit in and learn from those people (its just a killer that I had access to these great minds at a time when I didn't know enough about the world to join in). I still wouldn't have missed out on those experiences for anything - and I don't think I would have had those experiences if I wasn't young and beautiful - and had a good personality, thats a given - but I'm pretty sure personality alone would not jetted me to the world's best dinner parties.

Everyone knows they won't be young and stunning forever. This hasn't come as a surprise and of course I know there is more to life and always has been. But I am surprised by how much I'm grieving for it. Walking into a room looking amazing would give me a massive adrenaline rush, maybe thats not your thing but for me it has been a gift that has enhanced my life.

Yes, I know its not the end of the world.... and maybe I'm just having a crisis in confidence and as someone said its (mostly) all in my mind... but still. I would frown now but my face might get creased!

You say you weren't a dolly bird but everything you've written makes it sound like you were indeed exactly that. You say you were 'good company' - so are the thousands of Western hostesses who get paid to sit in bars and chat to Japanese businessmen. So are high end escorts. So you went to 'the world's best dinner parties' - who cares? Don't you think it's quite shallow that a few parties is on the list of important things you've done? I said the girls I know have good personalities, but I'm not talking about the fact they can entertain people at parties. They're interesting and they use their intellect - one recently set up a charity, another is working for the UN, another is doing an advanced degree at the Sorbonne in Paris. I don't think of them as beautiful people, I think of them as intelligent, kind, successful, interesting people who just happen to be much better looking than most, and from what I see, that's how they see themselves. They could have coasted through life letting their looks get them things, but they didn't. They enjoyed the model lifestyle of parties and exotic locations at the time but are the first to look back and say how shallow and unfulfilling it all was.

We all use our looks to some extent, but it's dangerous when it becomes the main thing in your life. Isn't it so much more satisfying to get things based on hard work than on looks?

And the real kicker is that, rather than being the good girl with the degree and the hobbies, I could've taken advantage of the opportunities my looks gave me to set up a much more interesting and glamorous life!

Why? What was so appealing about that? Why couldn't you have had an interesting life anyway?

LegacyUser

Depends on how much you want, between €300 and €500. No it is not uncomfortable at all, in fact for me its more comfortable. Less tension in the face, less headaches, bruxing at night etc.

That nonsense about peoples faces being frozen and they can't do expressions is rubbish touted blatantly by people who actually have botox themselves. Just ensure its a Doctor that does it, mine is an artist with the needle. Don't let hairdressers etc do it. I can spot good botox and I can spot bad botox, the difference is bad botox is noticable, good is not.

You'll get the 'natural' fascists who will go on about putting 'poison' in your face but who will spend €300 a year on creams and more on facials which are all snake oil. I don't get that. Do the job properly with something that works. A stitch in time saves nine.

Dim

Just the same wrote: »

Of course personality wouldn't but think about it. They were hardly the worlds greatest minds really were they. When you're young and naive its easy to be blinded by people fluffing themselves up banging on about neitche or whatever. The truth be told they would have been looking at you and would have traded ALL their supposed intellect/sophistication etc for one day in your body. They would just like we would now....people go on about your face getting personality etc as you get older...its pure bullsh1t, I would trade all the personality/experience etc I have now to be young again. Although I would have run a mile from 'dinner parties' as I would have considered that embarrassing and uncool no matter what they laid out.

Thats the truth. As people get older they say they prefer being the way they are but thats because they have no choice. They are making the best of their lot, we lose our objectivity as we get older and we dont have a choice and claim we prefer what we have. BUT if we all had the choice to go back to being a Goddess with a fairly blank mind or be a rounded older woman....which would it be?

For me there its a no brainer. Youth all the way.

I would not trade what I have learn't in the past 10 years to look how I did 10 years ago. Those years have contributed to who I am now. You seem to value appearance over all other things? Everyone doesn't think that way, you are making life harder on yourself.

btw, the worlds greatest minds would not be interested in you merely for your looks, if they did... they wouldn't be the worlds greatest minds.

LegacyUser

Just the same wrote: »

Of course personality wouldn't but think about it. They were hardly the worlds greatest minds really were they. When you're young and naive its easy to be blinded by people fluffing themselves up banging on about neitche or whatever. The truth be told they would have been looking at you and would have traded ALL their supposed intellect/sophistication etc for one day in your body. They would just like we would now....people go on about your face getting personality etc as you get older...its pure bullsh1t, I would trade all the personality/experience etc I have now to be young again. Although I would have run a mile from 'dinner parties' as I would have considered that embarrassing and uncool no matter what they laid out.

Thats the truth. As people get older they say they prefer being the way they are but thats because they have no choice. They are making the best of their lot, we lose our objectivity as we get older and we dont have a choice and claim we prefer what we have. BUT if we all had the choice to go back to being a Goddess with a fairly blank mind or be a rounded older woman....which would it be?

For me there its a no brainer. Youth all the way.

Do you honestly believe that BS, people would trade their intellect and sophistication, to be pretty for one day, get a grip seriously.

LegacyUser

[quote=[Deleted User];64479265]I said the girls I know have good personalities, but I'm not talking about the fact they can entertain people at parties. They're interesting and they use their intellect - one recently set up a charity, another is working for the UN, another is doing an advanced degree at the Sorbonne in Paris. I don't think of them as beautiful people, I think of them as intelligent, kind, successful, interesting people who just happen to be much better looking than most, and from what I see, that's how they see themselves. They could have coasted through life letting their looks get them things, but they didn't. They enjoyed the model lifestyle of parties and exotic locations at the time but are the first to look back and say how shallow and unfulfilling it all was.
[/QUOTE]


And you don't in any way think that great connections, visibility and cheekbones might make someone more likely to start their own charity? This is what I'm talking about!! Ok, so academia is open to anyone, but it sounds like these girls have also made good use of the opportunities being beautiful brought them (unlike me)! Of course its not the only way to make it, but god knows it helps!!!

LegacyUser

YoursovainIbet wrote: »

I have the odd cigarette and do drink from time to time. But the main problem is that I have the kind of very fair Irish skin that gets 'weathered' easily (though I do avoid the sun). My mother was the same, though she has been a heavy smoker all her life and looks it. And I have dark circles. People do sometimes mistake me for younger than I am but thats because I have big eyes and small facial features and still act quite young, but in the cold light of day (especially mornings!) I wouldn't say I'm aging particularly well.

Thanks for the support justthesame. Its nice to be understood! Its true that its not PC to say that looks have mattered in your life.
Just for the record, there is alot of other stuff in my life. I'm educated to postgrad level, I've just started collecting ideas for a blog, I've had solo exhibitions of my photography in the past and I'm a superb cook (modest too!). I've also had a successful career in a very competitive area, though I'm out of work right now as my employers went out of business before Christmas.

So looks or attractiveness was never the whole picture for me, just a part of my life that gave me enormous pleasure and led to wonderful experiences. I miss that part of my life. I'm well capable of immersing myself in my writing or photography for hours, just as I'm (now!) well capable of holding a great conversation at a dinner party and I still get attention when I scrub up... but I miss the adrenaline rush, and I miss the opportunities. And the real kicker is that, rather than being the good girl with the degree and the hobbies, I could've taken advantage of the opportunities my looks gave me to set up a much more interesting and glamorous life!
That doesn't mean being a street walker, it means having a bit of sense! My looks gave me access to interesting cliques who I never even had the sense to stay in touch with and even to career opportunities that couldn't recognise.... and frankly, I also had the attention of wonderful older men, but I didn't even realise how fantastic they were because I didn't know any better back then! Aaaaargh... oh but I did work on my hobbies instead.... maybe you're all correct... the brain power must have been lacking! LOL.

Well I suppose I'll end up with the face I deserve... but if there's any hot young things reading this my advice would be to get out there and work it baby!

How much does botox cost and does it feel uncomfortable to have frozen muscles?

It's not about being PC it's about making women look like dumb barbie dolls who are there to look pretty. You didn't take the so called oppotunities you reckon you were given so whats your problem with people who have degrees and hobbies, and what do you mean by "good girls". News flash honey, just because people have degrees and hobbies doesn't mean they don't enjoy their lives.

newmember2

Youth is wasted on the young, we don't appreciate what we've got 'til it's gone, etc.

You lived through your youth and made your choices. That part of your life is now over. Accept it. Don't ruin this new phase looking to the past with regret. You're not alone - aging happens for everyone. Think how lucky you are to have made it this far - some haven't.

sunnyside

OP you say you wish you had used the opportunity to create a glamorous and interesting life--what do you mean by that? Your life as you describe it with your writing and photography sounds very Carrie Bradshaw to me? What could be better?

Scanlas The 2nd

Emme wrote: »

It's sad that this woman sat at dinner parties in her 20s and didn't understand what was going on around her. Did she make any attempt to understand? Did she not realise that her looks brought her into contact with people others would kill to be around? The least she could do was to learn something from it.
.

Is it really sad? It doesn't upset me, none of us know about every topic that exists. If I sat around a table of people discussing particle physics I wouldn't know whats going on, but I don't think that's sad. Fulfillment doesn't come from knowing more pieces of information than the next person, it comes from presence.

A lot of people here are getting very judgmental with the OP, the OP experienced incredible emotions the likes of which she may never experience again. It's like telling a heroine addict that heroin doesnt't exist anymore. You're going to get withdrawal. We all want good emotions, the OP lost a source of really intensely stimulating emotions and now it's gone.

metrovelvet

Its a fact of life that as women age closer and closer to menopause and we lose our repriductive value, we lose alot of what we took for granted.

Very beautiful women feel it more.

If you can keep your weight down and your skin good then you will be ok. Just work with ageing. You dont want to look like joan rivers.

Ageing stinks.

panda100

Ikky Poo2 wrote: »

You probably know this already, but it's all in your mind.

In all fairness to the OP Its not just in her mind. The ageing process is something that many women worry about particularly when you have conventially 'good looks'.

YoursovainIbet wrote: »

I was twenty one years old sitting at dinner parties in foreign mansions with leading intellectuals, famous actors, political journalist and artists and I didn't even know what they were talking about! I'd just smile and blush and everyone thought I was great! Now I would lap it up and have so much to add - but would I be invited to the party?

Isn't it much more better now that since your older,wiser and more knowledgeable that you could add something to the conversation rather than just sit their and blush at people?

YoursovainIbet wrote: »

Nothing beats walking into a room knowing that (unless you are having an unlucky night) you are the hottest thing in it.

I definately understand where your coming from as I know what its like getting a lot of attention from the opposite sex, but I can count at least one million things that beat the feeling of knowing your the hottest thing in a room! I would hate to go back to my early twenties and late teens where I was validated more on my looks rather than my character. Even If your Giselle, there wil always be more beautiful women than you, as beauty really is in the eye of the beholder.
You seem to be in a realtionship with someone that cares for you,isn't the feeling of being wanted by someone who knows the real you a lot more fullfilling than sitting at a table blushing and being mute?

Just the same wrote: »

Getting the botox etc has helped and I will get a facelift as soon as I get those droopy chops people get on their faces. I dont care what people think. I just cant bear to look at some hag in the mirror!

I refuse to let my daughters and the next generation think they are an 'old hag' at 35. Im all for ditching this botox nonsense and really embracing agening as a positive,beautiful mark of a women.

“You could see the signs of female ageing as diseased… Or you could see that if a woman is healthy she lives to grow old; as she thrives, she reacts and speaks and shows emotion, and grows into her face. Lines trace her thought and radiate from the corners of her eyes after decades of laughter, closing together like fans as she smiles. You could call the lines a network of ‘serious lesions,’ or you could see that in a precise calligraphy, thought has etched marks of concentration between her brows, and drawn across her forehead the horizontal creases of surprise, delight, compassion and good talk. A lifetime of kissing, of speaking and weeping, shows expressively around a mouth scored like a leaf in motion. The skin loosens on her face and throat, giving her features a setting of sensual dignity; her features grow stronger as she does. She has looked around in her life, and it shows. When grey and white reflect in her hair, you could call it a dirty secret or you could call it silver or moonlight. Her body fills into itself, taking on gravity like a bather breasting water, growing generous with the rest of her. The darkening under her eyes, the weight of her lids, their minute cross-hatching, reveal that what she has been part of has left in her its complexity and richness. She is darker, stronger, looser, tougher, sexier. The maturing of a woman who has continued to grow is a beautiful thing to behold. Or, if your ad revenue… depend on it, it is an operable condition.”

Naomi Wolf, The Beauty Myth

LegacyUser

Naoimi Wolf is a class A a$$h0le and a hypocrite. How the words above trip so easily off the tongue of someone with movie star looks and despite being born in 1962 still looks in her 20's, strange that isn't it.

I also read recently she is dating a man 15 years younger and she admit behaving like a lovestruck schoolgirl fussing over her appearance before dates and dumbing down her conversations for him, although that shouldn't be too hard for her, I'd say many would see clean through the pseudo intellectual drivel she spouts.

She is truly full of $hit and I wouldn't look to her for any answers thats for sure.

Scanlas The 2nd

panda100 wrote: »

I definately understand where your coming from as I know what its like getting a lot of attention from the opposite sex, but I can count at least one million things that beat the feeling of knowing your the hottest thing in a room! I would hate to go back to my early twenties and late teens where I was validated more on my looks rather than my character. Even If your Giselle, there wil always be more beautiful women than you, as beauty really is in the eye of the beholder.
You seem to be in a realtionship with someone that cares for you,isn't the feeling of being wanted by someone who knows the real you a lot more fullfilling than sitting at a table blushing and being mute?

I think being validated on your character is in the same league of superficiality as being validated on your hotness. Either way your trying to fill a bucket with a hole in it. Even when you get the validation you are looking for the good feeling doesn't last long and you go looking for more like a drug addict. The consistent good feelings come from loving and accepting yourself unconditionally. When you can accept and love yourself even if you think you are dumb, boring and ugly thats when the life that you are shines.

Just the same

Just the same wrote: »

Of course personality wouldn't but think about it. They were hardly the worlds greatest minds really were they. When you're young and naive its easy to be blinded by people fluffing themselves up banging on about neitche or whatever. The truth be told they would have been looking at you and would have traded ALL their supposed intellect/sophistication etc for one day in your body.

That's so presumptuous. You really believe that a leading academic would trade everything to be beautiful? Most of the academics I know are far too busy and into their work to even worry about what outfit to wear. I think your attitude is pretty delusional to be honest. Looks are really not that important to most people. I like to make an effort and look nice, but my appearance is usually way down there on the list of important things to think about.

They would just like we would now....people go on about your face getting personality etc as you get older...its pure bullsh1t, I would trade all the personality/experience etc I have now to be young again. Although I would have run a mile from 'dinner parties' as I would have considered that embarrassing and uncool no matter what they laid out.

Thats the truth. As people get older they say they prefer being the way they are but thats because they have no choice. They are making the best of their lot, we lose our objectivity as we get older and we dont have a choice and claim we prefer what we have. BUT if we all had the choice to go back to being a Goddess with a fairly blank mind or be a rounded older woman....which would it be?

For me there its a no brainer. Youth all the way.

But you can't turn back the clock. What is the point in wasting your life away wishing you looked younger? Yes, we all want to look good and sexy and young forever but it isn't a total preoccupation for most people. And as for choosing whether to be a thick young woman or a wise older one, well not everyone would agree with you on that.

YoursovainIbet wrote: »

And you don't in any way think that great connections, visibility and cheekbones might make someone more likely to start their own charity? This is what I'm talking about!! Ok, so academia is open to anyone, but it sounds like these girls have also made good use of the opportunities being beautiful brought them (unlike me)! Of course its not the only way to make it, but god knows it helps!!!

Well in the case of the charity, yes, maybe. This girl was a catwalk model. But not sure what your point is here. You said yourself you weren't a model or high profile and couldn't have ever been, so why wish for something that never would've happened? And plenty of people who aren't beautiful and well connected do great things all the time - what ever stopped you from starting a charity, for example?

And academia is no more open to anyone than Miss World is open to anyone. Do you not think you could make good use of an advanced degree? I know lots of people living in exotic places, doing important jobs, getting invited to dinner parties and none of them are beautiful with the exception of the girls I mentioned. I'm confused as to why you think looks are so important? I'd prefer to be invited to a dinner party because I'd written a wonderful paper which got published than because I looked sexy in a short dress. I mean, creating something is an achievement, something you work for. You were born beautiful, so what is there to be proud of? Of course it's nice to be pretty, but to me it's just that, nice. Not important, not the be all and end all. I think looks should enhance your life, not be your life.

bubbleking

All the Advice you could ever want in 3 words


"GET OVER YOURSELF"

lucky-colm

i think some pictures might be of help here say one of you when you were in your early twenties and one of you now

dudara

lucky-colm, consider yourself very lucky not to receive an infraction or worse.

There will be no posting of pictures on PI.

dudara

Walls

This is an interesting question, OP, and you've received some 'interesting' answers. The identity you have for yourself is one that you now see fading, and it is leading you to question yourself and what value you have. For you, it is your looks, but for others it might be their intellectual skills, their athletic prowess, their ability to make money, whatever. Other people on this thread have demeaned your sense of loss because they view your concern as being solely concerned with looks, but in fact that is not what is going on at all.

I've had moments of genuine allure, and moments when such allure completely escaped me, so I do know the sheer intoxication of that kind of admiration. So many things become easy in that kind of glow that you imagine you're above the nuts and bolts of survival. People flock to you, and forgive you, much more so than mere mortals. To have that kind of interaction with people is very hard to give up.

Now, here is the crux of the issue. No matter what skill or ability you have, you would have seen it fall to the wayside as you got older. Only when we have a talent that we work on, such as a craft or talent (playing an instrument, etc) do the years reward hard work. For the rest of us, aging means putting aside the youthful life we had. This is common to all of us. You say that your beauty put you in circles of power, and that you miss this; for others the loss is about the frivolity of going to nightclubs, or playing football, or any number of activities that are easier and simpler when we're young. Time passes, and we change. What then?

What then, is that you realise that your allure is in fact all in your mind. No mere beauty is tolerated for very long if she has nothing else to offer, and it was this as well as your visage that granted you access to those dinner parties. You are articulate, and self aware. I can tell you this after one post on an internet forum. You no doubt have other skills and talents, independent of your beauty. Don't let a false sense of insecurity put you off from using and developing them.

The beauty of life is not that it is riches that satiate, but that it has nuances that delight with its layers. Give your older, more mellow self a chance to see and experience that. Fashion comes and goes with each year, but elegance of the soul is timeless. Good luck.

iguana

Just the same wrote: »

The truth be told they would have been looking at you and would have traded ALL their supposed intellect/sophistication etc for one day in your body.

Do you really believe that? Seriously? I'm good-looking, when I was younger I got a huge amount of attention from men. I was never asked to be a model as I'm just 5'1" but I had random men give me flowers on the street on 5 separate occasions. I also have an IQ of 160+. And d'you know what? If I had to I would trade both my looks and intelligence to keep my husband, my family, my good friends and even my dogs. Nothing, absolutely NOTHING, beats having real love in your life.

I'm not wild about starting to look older. I see the grey hairs and wrinkles creeping in and yeah, I hate it. I hate that it has started taking my body longer to spring back from stress/illness. Last month my husband was seriously ill in hospital and after it was all over and he was home I caught sight of my reflection in the mirror and could see that the whole experience had taken it's toll on my face, and despite everything I was a bit peeved.

But the thing is one of two things will happen to everyone alive. We will get old or we will die young, and I sure as hell don't want to die young, so I'll just have to hope I get old. And while I'd like to age beautifully most of all I want to age with people I love all around me.

MissHoneyBun

bubbleking wrote: »

All the Advice you could ever want in 3 words "GET OVER YOURSELF"

She'd need a ladder at this stage!
I'm sorry OP but that level of shallow self obsession is just indulgent and sickening. You'd do well to take your head out of the mirror and focus on changing your very unattractive personality traits instead.

Wagon

To be straight to the point: all those dinner parties, older men and sophisticated people with their fascinating conversation had one thing in common. You won't like this. 95% of the time, the only reason you were sitting at those tables was because they wanted to fúck you in a hotel room later. And that's it. I don't know if you realise that. If you were invited to those fancy parties and had all that glamour without being there for a reason other than your looks, thats the only thing they wanted you for.

You currently have a partner, you probably still look good for your age im sure and sound like you've done some interesting things and done well for yourself. Yet, you'd trade all that to go back to the life you had when you were 21... It doesn't say much about your personailty.

Wagon

Wagon wrote: »

To be straight to the point: all those dinner parties, older men and sophisticated people with their fascinating conversation had one thing in common. You won't like this. 95% of the time, the only reason you were sitting at those tables was because they wanted to fúck you in a hotel room later. And that's it. I don't know if you realise that. If you were invited to those fancy parties and had all that glamour without being there for a reason other than your looks, thats the only thing they wanted you for.

Indeed. That's why I'm finding it so hard to understand why OP even liked that lifestyle, let alone why she would want to go back to it. Maybe I'm just a weirdo, but I absolutely hate being ogled at and treated as eye candy. I walked into town yesterday to do some shopping and got a good few glances and whistles - it made me more uncomfortable than anything. I guess on some level it's nice to know you're considered attractive, but I have a real problem with being treated like a piece of meat. When I do get invited to events and conferences, I dress down as much as possible to ensure that I am being taken seriously. Oh well. Horses for courses.

metrovelvet

Because some people like it. To be is to be perceived.

Emme

Some women start out relatively plain and get better with age. I have a friend of 43 who looks far younger but she was very tomboyish in her 20s. She was into backpacking, travel, staying in hostels etc. and wasn't bothered with makeup or fancy hairstyles. The only thing she did was used a good sunscreen because she's quite fair and this probably stood to her. She has a good diet as well - puts the rest of us to shame! Now she's older she's getting loads of attention from younger guys and thinks it's hilarious.

It's not so easy to get attention from the older guys because the good ones are harder to find. I'd imagine that the older guys who went for the OP when she was younger were quite shallow and only interested in youth and beauty that doesn't answer back, not worth having, in other words. There are lots of older men like that and there will always be young girls who are naive or mercenary enough to accept their attention. I feel sorry for the naive girls who don't realise the men only want to sleep with them and the same men deserve to be ripped off by the mercenary girls.

In a way looks are the key to door the rest of us can't open, and when you take that for granted and it's suddenly taken away from you it must be tough. But why try to hold on to it? Why not change and grow instead, develop your personality, do some volunteer work, learn a new skill.

LegacyUser

Wagon wrote: »

To be straight to the point: all those dinner parties, older men and sophisticated people with their fascinating conversation had one thing in common. You won't like this. 95% of the time, the only reason you were sitting at those tables was because they wanted to fúck you in a hotel room later. And that's it. I don't know if you realise that. If you were invited to those fancy parties and had all that glamour without being there for a reason other than your looks, thats the only thing they wanted you for.

Ah... you see thats where you're wrong. I have no problem with men looking at me and wanting to shag me! In fact that was the whole buzz! I enjoyed that attention. People have been shagging for generations - its what makes the world go round, and I really enjoyed scoring high for shaggability! What I fear is when I'm no longer desirable to desirable men (young or old)!

LegacyUser

[quote=[Deleted User];64488434]Indeed. That's why I'm finding it so hard to understand why OP even liked that lifestyle, let alone why she would want to go back to it. Maybe I'm just a weirdo, but I absolutely hate being ogled at and treated as eye candy. I walked into town yesterday to do some shopping and got a good few glances and whistles - it made me more uncomfortable than anything. I guess on some level it's nice to know you're considered attractive, but I have a real problem with being treated like a piece of meat. When I do get invited to events and conferences, I dress down as much as possible to ensure that I am being taken seriously. Oh well. Horses for courses.[/QUOTE]


Horses for courses indeed! As I just said above... I've always got a major kick out of being attractive. Why does attention make you so uncomfortable? Why can't you 'own it' and enjoy?

(which is not to be confused with dressing inappropriately for events and conferences... thats not even what this thread is about).

There is nothing wrong or tawdry with men finding women beautiful or sexy and there is nothing cheap or stupid about women who enjoy that feeling - its what makes the universe go round!

Eitherway Izzy, your discomfort won't last forever! I still get the glances and whistles too (though that could be a case of Kronenberg 1665! LOL) but I know I'll miss them when they're gone. Maybe you should try to get a little bit of enjoyment out of it too, as you won't always get those glances. Where you think a man is seeing you as a 'piece of meat' he might just be thinking you're a beautiful girl (and wondering how to get your number!); men aren't monsters, they're alot like us!

LegacyUser

Walls wrote: »

This is an interesting question, OP, and you've received some 'interesting' answers. The identity you have for yourself is one that you now see fading, and it is leading you to question yourself and what value you have. For you, it is your looks, but for others it might be their intellectual skills, their athletic prowess, their ability to make money, whatever. Other people on this thread have demeaned your sense of loss because they view your concern as being solely concerned with looks, but in fact that is not what is going on at all.

I've had moments of genuine allure, and moments when such allure completely escaped me, so I do know the sheer intoxication of that kind of admiration. So many things become easy in that kind of glow that you imagine you're above the nuts and bolts of survival. People flock to you, and forgive you, much more so than mere mortals. To have that kind of interaction with people is very hard to give up.

Now, here is the crux of the issue. No matter what skill or ability you have, you would have seen it fall to the wayside as you got older. Only when we have a talent that we work on, such as a craft or talent (playing an instrument, etc) do the years reward hard work. For the rest of us, aging means putting aside the youthful life we had. This is common to all of us. You say that your beauty put you in circles of power, and that you miss this; for others the loss is about the frivolity of going to nightclubs, or playing football, or any number of activities that are easier and simpler when we're young. Time passes, and we change. What then?

What then, is that you realise that your allure is in fact all in your mind. No mere beauty is tolerated for very long if she has nothing else to offer, and it was this as well as your visage that granted you access to those dinner parties. You are articulate, and self aware. I can tell you this after one post on an internet forum. You no doubt have other skills and talents, independent of your beauty. Don't let a false sense of insecurity put you off from using and developing them.

The beauty of life is not that it is riches that satiate, but that it has nuances that delight with its layers. Give your older, more mellow self a chance to see and experience that. Fashion comes and goes with each year, but elegance of the soul is timeless. Good luck.

Thankyou for a great post Walls, and thanks to everyone else on this thread too who's taken the time to respond and put some really great and thought provoking answers up there. You've all just just about saved me a trip to a therapist!

Its certainly helped me reflect and feel less neurotic about all this.

As someone said, being appreciated for beauty is a major emotional high and I've been wired to tap into that high. Now I'm facing a time where my 'drug supply' is slowly being reduced, and thats something that I'll have to learn to accept and get my kicks elsewhere.

And maybe its good that I'm facing up to this now rather than in five or ten years when thing have really gone south, aesthetically anyway.

As you and others have said, while beauty was my 'thing', maybe its just youth I'm missing.

Food for thought.

Thanks again.

Wagon

Yoursovainyou wrote: »

Ah... you see thats where you're wrong. I have no problem with men looking at me and wanting to shag me! In fact that was the whole buzz! I enjoyed that attention. People have been shagging for generations - its what makes the world go round, and I really enjoyed scoring high for shaggability! What I fear is when I'm no longer desirable to desirable men (young or old)!

What about your boyfriend though? Not good enough?

There's nothing i can do to help you im afraid. And yes, if thats the life you want then fair enough but sadly, you can't. becuase you're getting older. and there's nothing you can do about it. its part of life.

LegacyUser

Wagon wrote: »

What about your boyfriend though? Not good enough?

There's nothing i can do to help you im afraid. And yes, if thats the life you want then fair enough but sadly, you can't. becuase you're getting older. and there's nothing you can do about it. its part of life.

My boyfriend is more than good enough. I just enjoyed being young and beautiful and I've been missing it.

I realise you can't reverse my aging process Wagon.

But some posters here have said some lovely things which are helping me deal with the transition. Thanks anyway.

Emme

Yoursovainyou wrote: »

Ah... you see thats where you're wrong. I have no problem with men looking at me and wanting to shag me! In fact that was the whole buzz! I enjoyed that attention. People have been shagging for generations - its what makes the world go round, and I really enjoyed scoring high for shaggability! What I fear is when I'm no longer desirable to desirable men (young or old)!

This is a fear that most of us have been living with since our late teens. We start off thinking "will I ever be desirable to boys?" and later on wonder if we will ever be desirable to men in between getting on with our lives. However, we ordinary folk have the advantage of being able to overcome this fear at a young age by making ourselves sought out in different ways, i.e. playing a musical instrument, excelling at sport or just being a good friend to others.

OP, I take it that you're for real. Even supermodels doubt themselves when they're younger. Cindy Crawford didn't realise she was pretty until she started modelling.

Yoursovainyou

Yoursovainyou wrote: »

Horses for courses indeed! As I just said above... I've always got a major kick out of being attractive. Why does attention make you so uncomfortable? Why can't you 'own it' and enjoy?

Well, horses for courses again. I personally don't see what's so enjoyable about being stared or talked to when I'm walking down the street with my headphones on on my way to work or to my boyfriend's place. Obviously there is a part of me which thinks, 'well at least I'm considered attractive' and I suppose it's a little ego boost in that way, but the actual attention itself, I don't really like it. It makes me self conscious and I feel objectified. I want to be smiled at and admired because I'm funny or nice or intelligent, not because I have a nice arse. I often decide against wearing a miniskirt (with thick tights during the day) if I'm afraid it will attract unwanted attention.

There is nothing wrong or tawdry with men finding women beautiful or sexy and there is nothing cheap or stupid about women who enjoy that feeling - its what makes the universe go round!

No, it's not wrong to find women beautiful but I think it is pretty crass to wolf whistle and shout things. I don't wolf whistle at attractive men I see on the street.

Eitherway Izzy, your discomfort won't last forever! I still get the glances and whistles too (though that could be a case of Kronenberg 1665! LOL) but I know I'll miss them when they're gone. Maybe you should try to get a little bit of enjoyment out of it too, as you won't always get those glances. Where you think a man is seeing you as a 'piece of meat' he might just be thinking you're a beautiful girl (and wondering how to get your number!); men aren't monsters, they're alot like us!

Perhaps I will miss them, who knows. Maybe I've had more bad experiences than you which have made me tar the wolf whistlers and starers with the same brush. I just don't have any interest in guys who leer and whistle, to be honest. It puts me on edge. I don't really care if some random guy thinks I'm pretty. He doesn't know me. Maybe that will change when I'm older, who knows.

LegacyUser

This is my last post on this subject as I'm not sure what more there is to say.

But to clear up some misunderstandings:

I am for real. If you read my original post, you'll see that I said I didn't realise what I had going for me when I was younger, I knew I was attractive but not how lucky I was and I took for granted many of the doors with attractiveness (and arguably other qualities) opened for me. Sure we've all had our ugly duckling moments - I'm having one right now!

Its also been implied repeated on this thread that I've never developed anything other than looks and I've said repeatedly that I've always had 'other stuff' in my life. I'm educated to masters level; I'm an accomplished photographer; I'm a good friend and have a healthy social circle; I've had a very successful career in an area that has nothing to do with beauty; I do salsa classes; I'm very well travelled and I've even climbed the odd (small!) mountain. What more do you want me to do!

Alot of people on this thread have seemed to want to imply that I was wrong to get such a buzz out of being attractive - that enjoying my looks somehow made me stupid or cheap. But I'm really glad that I got such enjoyment out of being attractive. That was my 'buzz' for years, not to the exclusion of all else, but turning heads was one of my personal favourite things to do. Just because its not yours doesn't mean its wrong for other people. I'm glad to have had the experiences I've had.

And writing all this has helped me see that its ok to grief for something which I am (slowly) losing.

I suppose I started this thread in a moment of depression about fading looks and regret for opportunities not taken, and some people have written some beautiful words of wisdom about the loss of youth which will stay with me and hopefully work some magic beneath the surface.... but if anyone expects me to somehow rewrite my own history and start to believe I was somehow wrong for enjoying being young and pretty - fock no! I'd do it all again in a minute!

Only next time I'd go to those photoshoots!!! And date more!! :-D

Anyway, thanks for the words of wisedom.

Over and out xxx

LegacyUser

[quote=[Deleted User];64498935]Well, horses for courses again. I personally don't see what's so enjoyable about being stared or talked to when I'm walking down the street with my headphones on on my way to work or to my boyfriend's place. Obviously there is a part of me which thinks, 'well at least I'm considered attractive' and I suppose it's a little ego boost in that way, but the actual attention itself, I don't really like it. It makes me self conscious and I feel objectified. I want to be smiled at and admired because I'm funny or nice or intelligent, not because I have a nice arse. I often decide against wearing a miniskirt (with thick tights during the day) if I'm afraid it will attract unwanted attention.



No, it's not wrong to find women beautiful but I think it is pretty crass to wolf whistle and shout things. I don't wolf whistle at attractive men I see on the street.



Perhaps I will miss them, who knows. Maybe I've had more bad experiences than you which have made me tar the wolf whistlers and starers with the same brush. I just don't have any interest in guys who leer and whistle, to be honest. It puts me on edge. I don't really care if some random guy thinks I'm pretty. He doesn't know me. Maybe that will change when I'm older, who knows.[/QUOTE]



Eh... the OP was talking about meeting interesting men and going to exotic parties. You're worried about wolf whistlers on the street. Thats a bit glass half empty, do you not think you're missing the bigger picture?
I've always had average looks. I did ok and had boyfriends. But my best friend was and is a very good looking girl. It would be annoying when we were out because lads would hardly notice me beside her. They just wouldn't see me. But she couldn't help getting all that attention, thats just how she was treated. I never resented her for it because if I'd had model looks I'd have enjoyed every minute of it. We've both ended up married and getting on with our lives so being goodlooking or average hasn't made that much difference in the long run.
But if being wolf whistled at by some eejits in the street is the worst thing about being goodlooking then sign me in for plastic surgury!

oklookinggirl

oklookinggirl wrote: »

Eh... the OP was talking about meeting interesting men and going to exotic parties. You're worried about wolf whistlers on the street. Thats a bit glass half empty, do you not think you're missing the bigger picture?
I've always had average looks. I did ok and had boyfriends. But my best friend was and is a very good looking girl. It would be annoying when we were out because lads would hardly notice me beside her. They just wouldn't see me. But she couldn't help getting all that attention, thats just how she was treated. I never resented her for it because if I'd had model looks I'd have enjoyed every minute of it. We've both ended up married and getting on with our lives so being goodlooking or average hasn't made that much difference in the long run.
But if being wolf whistled at by some eejits in the street is the worst thing about being goodlooking then sign me in for plastic surgury!

Eh, no, I don't think so. I addressed one particular point the OP brought up which was being looked at/whistled at on the street, but I also said I would not be comfortable at an 'exotic party' where I was invited to be the 'eye candy'. It's just not my cup of tea. I'm not really comfortable with being appreciated for my looks alone on any level. That's why I don't really dress up. I own two pairs of heels, one I wore to my graduation and the other to my cousin's wedding.

But as for being wolf whistled at by eejits in the street - it can be a lot more serious than that. A young, attractive woman is an easy target. In the last few months in London, I've been groped on the Tube, groped walking along the street, once in a really crowded area, I was surrounded by a group of men, one of whom grabbed my head and kissed me on the lips. A lot of men can really be total animals when they think they'll get away with it. I actually carefully consider what to wear if I know I'll be going outside on my own. I wanted to wear a miniskirt (with thick tights) today but I decided to wear jeans instead because that way I get less attention. And I'm not even that good looking, I've done some modelling but nothing big and no catwalk. I know saying you don't like attention on the street comes across as moaning about nothing, but it really can be scary and unpleasant sometimes.

LegacyUser

[quote=[Deleted User];64511545]Eh, no, I don't think so. I addressed one particular point the OP brought up which was being looked at/whistled at on the street, but I also said I would not be comfortable at an 'exotic party' where I was invited to be the 'eye candy'. It's just not my cup of tea. I'm not really comfortable with being appreciated for my looks alone on any level. That's why I don't really dress up. I own two pairs of heels, one I wore to my graduation and the other to my cousin's wedding.

But as for being wolf whistled at by eejits in the street - it can be a lot more serious than that. A young, attractive woman is an easy target. In the last few months in London, I've been groped on the Tube, groped walking along the street, once in a really crowded area, I was surrounded by a group of men, one of whom grabbed my head and kissed me on the lips. A lot of men can really be total animals when they think they'll get away with it. I actually carefully consider what to wear if I know I'll be going outside on my own. I wanted to wear a miniskirt (with thick tights) today but I decided to wear jeans instead because that way I get less attention. And I'm not even that good looking, I've done some modelling but nothing big and no catwalk. I know saying you don't like attention on the street comes across as moaning about nothing, but it really can be scary and unpleasant sometimes.[/QUOTE]


Well sorry to hear you've been sexually harassed but surely you're not saying that its a victim's fault for being sexually harassed because she wears skirts or looks attractive?!

You can let yourself be bullied into a burka if you want but what was forty years of feminism for if not about choosing how we want to look. Do you look down on women who like dressing up?

Eitherway, I don't think thats the kind of attention the OP was talking about. Nobody enjoys sexual harrassment! So maybe we should stay on topic.

I know where the OP is coming from. I'm turning thirty this year and not happy about it but its something we all have to face at some stage. As others have said, just keep accentuating the positive. You sound like you have a lot going for you in other areas, thats what I'm trying to do.