Need help writing a great pitch.

EileenG

I'm entering the Amazon Breakthrough Novel Award, and not only do I need my novel all cleaned up and pretty, I need a 300 word pitch (not a description) plugging why this novel is wonderful and what makes it different to all the other entries.

I'm entering a YA novel about a space vampire who gets stranded on earth by her bitch of a mother. She decides to hitch home, makes friends and enemies, has lots of adventures, and discovers she can do things no-one realised were possible. She gets a lift home, but has to keep the humans with her from becoming lunch, and meets a very sexy male vampire. Did I mention her species mates three males to one female? Eventually, she fights it out with her mother and wins, then proposes to her chosen males.

Any help turning that into a pitch would be great.

Monkeybonkers

Don't know a whole lot about writing pitches but best of luck in the comp. Let us know how you get on.

desolate sun

Eileen, just to let you know that Amazon started accepting submissions on Jan 25th and last year, as far as I know, the 5000 entries were reached before the end date.
So get your pitch done asap.

About pitches they're like the blurb you get on the back of a novel.
Amazon are judging on -
originality of idea,
overall strength of the Pitch,
and the quality of writing.

The pitch should address your conflict, what makes your story original and why someone would want to read it.

EileenG

I've already got my entry in and counted, but I can edit it up to closing time.

pickarooney

I've tried starting this a couple of times but I have come to the conclusion that I don't exactly know what a pitch is supposed to read like... I'd love to help but need some sort of example.

EileenG

As far as I can gather, the pitch is what sells the book, or at least entices the publisher or agent to pick it up and read it.

It should contain a hook, information about the target readership ("Along the lines of Other Book Title" etc), what makes this book different to others, a general idea of what it's about and what happens, and anything else you can think of to sell it.

pickarooney

What exactly is a space vampire and where is she originally from? Do the space vampires have some sort of tribal name? What age is the main character and what method of transport can be used to go 'home'?

EileenG

Main character is from the planet Eris, got to Earth by space ship, lives by sucking life force from sentient creatures. She looks like a 19 year old Earth female. Her species are Erisians. Most have wings and antennae/horns, she's been surgically altered to look human. Her species mates three males to one female, and is matriarchal.

pickarooney

So there's only one species on the planet Eris? Do we have a name for her or does that matter for the pitch? I kind of need to buy it before I can sell it, which sort of means you need to pitch it to me, maybe defeating the purpose!

EileenG

She is called Cytolene.

Description of the book (synopsis)

Cytolene. who lives on life force, has been surgically altered to look human. She comes to Earth to find out how to farm humans for the most profit.

When she discovers this won't work, her mother abandons her on Earth to fend for herself.

Cytolene decides to hitch a lift home with the next passing UFO. On the way to San Diego she picks up a bodybuilder called Steve for lunch, then decides to keep him.

Steve gets injured defending her during a fight in a bar, and she discovers that she can return stolen life force and heal him.

A man from the bar, Aaron had found a baby vampire but, unaware of what she ate, has been starving her. Cytolene nearly kills Aaron while rescuing baby Ashling.

Aaron finds a vampire hunter and goes looking for her. The chase covers much of San Diego.

Ashling's bad tempered mother comes looking for her baby. She arrives on Earth in mid-chase and in a rage, kidnaps Cytolene and all the humans who are with her at the time.

On board, Cytolene tries to keep her hostess from eating her humans, and discovers that Ashling has a really sexy big brother.

Back home on Eris, Cytolene uses the humans to acquire the title "Queen of Earth". Her mother, Neelie, tries to claim the credit and take over, but Cytolene has grown up and refuses.

Neelie kidnaps Ashling, and the humans pull off a daring and dangerous rescue. Cytolene challenges her mother to fight for the position of Head of House.

Finally, she sorts out her complicated love life and proposes marriage to her three chosen males.

Cadiz

EileenG, sorry not to have anything helpful to offer re the pitch, I haven't a clue, but can I just say, wow, your story sounds ace

MikeC101

When I think of a pitch, I usually think of it as being aimed at a publisher or agent, so slightly formal and quite factual, stressing the selling point / strengths of the novel without going too far in the direction of a back of the book "blurb". But it seems to me what Amazon want is more akin to a blurb (I could be wrong, but that's the feeling I get), so I'd think a "sexed up" pitch might be what's needed.

One thing - when you're mentioning vampires, the "Twilight" phenomenon is going to come in to play, so I think you need to make sure to focus on your own unique take on the vampire thing. I have a feeling that there's going to be a lot of Twilightesque submissions, and you really want to stand out from those - which from the information you've given, your work really is unique sounding - I'd almost be tempted to get in a dig at Twilight in your pitch, but that might come across as a little petty.

One question - are you sold on the main character being explicitly referred to as a "space vampire", or is that more a succinct way of getting the image of what they are across? I suppose with a reference to a vampire hunter it works better if the main character is a space vampire.

I'd try to go with the following: Establish the setting (and anything unique to your world, such as the Erisians. Then move onto giving a little of the plot, stressing what makes it unique, and ending with a hook, something that will make a reader want to dive in and start reading right away. At the same time, it needs more than just the usual blurb stuff, so you probably need to push who it will appeal to, why it will appeal to them, eg show you know your target audience.

To be honest, I'm not really that familiar with the target audience for the type of novel you've described, so I just had a shot at the blurb part:

"Despite looking like a typical nineteen year old human, Cytolene is really an Erisian, a powerful race of aliens who live on the life force of sentient beings, known only to humanity in whispers of long forgotten lore.

Abandoned on Earth by her cruel mother, she's going to have to use all her skills and ingenuity if she's going to have a hope of seeing her home planet again.

Pursued by a ruthless vampire hunter and captured by an enraged Erisian, Cytolene will have to keep her wits about her if she's going to survive, let alone work out her romantic entanglements with three very different men."

Apologies, as my head's not in the writing game today, but hopefully it might be of some use to you. (If only as a guideline of what not to do ). But something along the lines of the above, then followed by who you think it will appeal to, and why it will appeal to them.


Edit: On the subject of blurbs, there was one for a book I read years ago that I still remember today. I don't know if it was a factor of my being young or what, but to this day I can still remember it quite clearly. It's for the book "Legend" by David Gemmell, a fantasy novel. :

The Legend is Druss.

The stories of his life were told everywhere. Instead of the wealth and fame he could have claimed, he chose a mountain lair, high in the lonely country bordering on the clouds. There the grizzled old warrior keeps company with snow leopards and awaits his old enemy, death.

The Fortress is Dros Delnoch.

It is the only route by which an army could pass through the mountains. Protected by six outer walls, it was the stronghold of the Drenai empire. Now it is the last battleground, for all else has fallen before the Nadir hordes.

And the only hope rests on the skills of that one old man.

Regardless of the quality of the book, I think that's a very effective blurb. Your mileage may vary of course!

EileenG

As soon as entries close completely, I'll post up what I wrote.

She's definitely not a Twilight type vampire, but since she lives on human life force, I can't think of a better description than "space vampire".

pickarooney

EileenG wrote: »

As soon as entries close completely, I'll post up what I wrote.

She's definitely not a Twilight type vampire, but since she lives on human life force, I can't think of a better description than "space vampire".

Intergalactic succubus?

EileenG

She doesn't have sex with her food.

pickarooney

I'm lost... what does she feed on when she's at home?

EileenG

Lots of animals on their own planet that she can eat, just not on Earth.

EileenG

Being on Earth and getting to eat humans all day is the best thing that ever happened to Cytolene, even worth the sacrifice of her beautiful wings.

However, when her plans to farm humans fall through, and her mother abandons her on Earth, Cytolene has to go to extraordinary lengths to get home again.

"Don't Feed the Fairies" is a Young Adult novel which will appeal to fans of Avatar and Star Trek, with a kick-ass heroine who doesn't sit round waiting to be rescued. She's is an ordinary girl (if you happen to be a vampire from Eris), but as she copes with one bad situation after another, Cytolene discovers that she has strengths and abilities that no-one knew existed.

During the course of the story, she goes from being the runt of the litter to being a strong independent female who take can take charge.

She makes friends with Steve, the bodybuilder who wants a damsel to rescue, Bill, the fisherman with a mysterious past, Ashling, a baby vampire which she rescues and adopts, and finds a romantic interest in Ashling's sexy brother Asnem.

She makes her share of enemies as well; Rafael the vampire hunter, Aaron who had been starving the baby vampire, and of course, the mother who "mislaid" her.

Of course, being from Eris means that romance takes "It's complicated!" to a whole new level.

The story comes to a thrilling climax in the water system beneath the
surface of Eris.

"Don't Feed the Fairies" is 51,000 words long, previously unpublished and is the first of a trilogy.

pathway33

Looks ace. When will you know if you're in the next round?

EileenG

Can't remember the date. A few weeks, I think.

pathway33

25th February I found out. http://www.amazon.com/gp/help/customer/display.html/?nodeId=200291680

best of luck. fingers crossed

LegacyUser

EileenG wrote: »

"Don't Feed the Fairies" is a Young Adult novel which will appeal to fans of Avatar and Star Trek, with a kick-ass heroine who doesn't sit round waiting to be rescued. She's is an ordinary girl (if you happen to be a vampire from Eris), but as she copes with one bad situation after another, Cytolene discovers that she has strengths and abilities that no-one knew existed.

During the course of the story, she goes from being the runt of the litter to being a strong independent female who take can take charge.

I hope it's not too late to correct these errors.

dublinario

A few suggestions:

EileenG wrote:

Being on Earth and getting to eat humans all day is the best thing that ever happened to Cytolene...

A rather glib opening that doesn't garner an ounce of sympathy for your protagonist.

EileenG wrote:

However, when her plans to farm humans fall through

A plan surely, rather than 'plans'?

EileenG wrote:

She's is an ordinary girl...

Typo.

EileenG wrote:

...who take can take charge...

Another typo.

EileenG wrote:

...if you happen to be a vampire from Eris...

Vampire or zombie or third category? Calling her a vampire and simultaneously attributing to her the 'eating' of humans is a distracting bastardisation of the lore.

EileenG wrote:

During the course of the story....

Redundant. What other context could there be?

EileenG wrote:

...she goes from being the runt of the litter to being a strong independent female who take can take charge

Right on sister! Is this kind of empowering (cough) feminism not better demonstrated tacitly, rather than shoved down our throats? Synopsis or no, this is a blaring instance of 'show, don't tell'. Also, the repetitive use of the word 'being' (twice in quick succession) is unnecessary.

EileenG wrote:

...a baby vampire which she rescues...

'Whom' she rescues?

EileenG wrote:

She makes her share of enemies as well;

The semi-colon should be a full colon.

EileenG wrote:

...and of course, the mother who "mislaid" her

Why 'of course'? We know nothing about this story. Nothing is 'of course'.

EileenG wrote:

Of course, being from Eris means that romance takes "It's complicated!" to a whole new level.

Again, it's 'of course' to you maybe, but not to us. It's also the second use of 'of course' in as many sentences, which doesn't read well.

EileenG wrote:

...and is the first of a trilogy.

Pedantic, but would it not be the first 'in' a trilogy?

Cadiz

What a constructive (cough) and useful critique :rolleyes:

Nice pitch EileenG

dublinario

Cadiz wrote: »

What a constructive (cough) and useful critique :rolleyes:

Nice pitch EileenG

My contribution, among other suggestions, pointed out two typos Cadiz. What was the point of yours exactly? A back-slap? A morsel of derivative sarcasm? Employment of a cretinous 'emoticon'? Collated, you contributed nothing.

EileenG

What I typed up was a quick recap of my original pitch. I hope that the typos were the result of fast typing, and were not in the original.

I had 300 words to do the pitch, there wasn't room to go into specifics.

dcmu

Eileen, the descriptions in your pitch are insipid:

The story comes to a thrilling climax in the water system beneath the
surface of Eris.

There's nothing about the above statement that makes me want to get to the end of this novel, despite the promise of a "thrilling climax".

During the course of the story, she goes from being the runt of the litter to being a strong independent female who take can take charge.

Again, I'm pretty sure I've read this line a million times. What's different about it? What's new. It smacks of a lazy attempt to tell us the character is worth caring about ....

And here's the thing; she seems like the least likeable character I've ever encountered.
Are we supposed to sympathise with a character who farms humans? In all fantasy/science fiction, it is the human element we associate with (Star Wars, Star Trek, Lord of The Rings - all these pitch humanity versus, an inhuman, or alien, evil) - not the weirdo alien with a name like a cleaning product, who for no obvious positive reason, eats, torture and objectifies the readers of this book. It makes no sense.

pickarooney

Why should a character have to be likable? I often hear people saying this but I personally think it's nonsense.

EileenG

She's not a particularly likable character, but she's a good reflection of a lot of human attitudes. She's just a lot less nasty that some of her relatives.

EileenG

dcmu wrote: »

Eileen, the descriptions in your pitch are insipid: There's nothing about the above statement that makes me want to get to the end of this novel, despite the promise of a "thrilling climax".
Again, I'm pretty sure I've read this line a million times. What's different about it? What's new. It smacks of a lazy attempt to tell us the character is worth caring about ....

And here's the thing; she seems like the least likeable character I've ever encountered.
Are we supposed to sympathise with a character who farms humans? In all fantasy/science fiction, it is the human element we associate with (Star Wars, Star Trek, Lord of The Rings - all these pitch humanity versus, an inhuman, or alien, evil) - not the weirdo alien with a name like a cleaning product, who for no obvious positive reason, eats, torture and objectifies the readers of this book. It makes no sense.

How would you fix it?

dcmu

pickarooney wrote: »

Why should a character have to be likable? I often hear people saying this but I personally think it's nonsense.

In fairness, it's a broad term, and there are examples where the reader is horrified by the actions of the protagonist; though this generally falls into the genre of transgressive fiction.
For a young adults novel, it's my belief that this simply won't work. The reason the character needs to be likeable, is so that we care enough about the character to want them to succeed, grow, overcome some form of adversity. And a likeable character isn't one who's perfect. The greatest fictional heroes are the flawed ones. We can associate with them because we all have flaws.

I'm in no doubt that this is what Eileen has attempted in her novel. My critique of the pitch, is that it makes the character far too negative, far too dark. She hasn't told us why Cytolene is one of us, and that's my biggest problem, with the pitch.

dcmu

EileenG wrote: »

How would you fix it?

In all honesty, I'd need to read the book.

I'm no more of an authority than you are, if I were, I'd have ten books published by now. I hope I wasn't too critical, but I honestly didn't think it was a good pitch.

EileenG

Well, pitching is something I have no experience with, I'm a lot more confident with actually writing the novel than pitching it.

My heroine starts off seeing humans purely as livestock. As she spends more time with them, she moves to seeing them as cute animals (like dolphins) but it is a long time before she sees them as more than that.

pathway33

Hey EileenG are you in the next round?

miec

My heroine starts off seeing humans purely as livestock. As she spends more time with them, she moves to seeing them as cute animals (like dolphins) but it is a long time before she sees them as more than that.

The words that spring to mind for me is that your character seems to evolve, do you think in the course of the novel that she goes from being a hunter to the hunted and during the process she has to evolve and acquire new life skills but at the same connect with humans, seeing them more than just feeding material. If that is the case then this could be something you could use in your pitch, and it has the human connection within it.

Maybe the evolution of her character could be the lure for this pitch? Now I am not fully sure as I haven't read the novel but it is worth it. Also how does it differ from other vampire books? What is the appeal for young people? Are the characters strong because like you I am working on a childrens book (slightly younger than teenagers) but what I have garnered from the kids I've talked with is that they love strong characters, ones they can identify with. You could also put in something about family dynamics, as that is something I see again and again in children's literature (including YA). Sorry this is all over the place, I am just putting out random thoughts but the very best of luck and let us know how you get on.

EileenG

I see her as growing up. She goes from being an obedient daughter who does whatever her mother says, to being responsible for herself and other people and who fights her mother in their defense.

I like think the characters are strong. There's a dancing bodybuilder (don't laugh, bodybuilders can always lift their partners) who is looking for a damsel to rescue. There's a kinky former special forces fisherman, a journalist with a bad reputation who has turned vampire hunter, a baby vampire with a really sexy big brother. And an internet nerd who gets into a lot of trouble.

pathway33

Hey, Congratulations!!!!!!! I see your title in the next round. Best of luck again

EileenG

You spotted that before I did. Thanks for telling me!

pathway33

EileenG wrote: »

You spotted that before I did. Thanks for telling me!

Oh no :eek: I ruined the thrill for you of finding out by looking at the list. I'll keep my gob shut for the next round

Memnoch

EileenG wrote: »

You spotted that before I did. Thanks for telling me!

Congratulations on getting through EileenG. Sorry I arrived to this thread late, I had looked a while ago on creative writing for an ABNA thread and didn't spot one + the whole malarky with my account being blocked over the password change thingy for a while. Anyway congrats.

I got through to the 2nd round as well. I did last year also, but then was cut at the next stage. One of the vine reviewers gave me a glowing review but the other hated my excerpt.

It's a lot stronger this year so I'm hoping to at least get the full review from PW.

Best of luck in the next round, it's going to be a tough cut. 1k to 250. But I suppose a 1 in 4 chance still. It was 1 in 5 last round.

EileenG

Congrats.

I'm taking the view that I've beaten 4000 so far, only another 999 to go.....

Do you get reviews? I didn't know that.

Memnoch

EileenG wrote: »

Congrats.

I'm taking the view that I've beaten 4000 so far, only another 999 to go.....

Do you get reviews? I didn't know that.

Yeah, the ptich stage can be hit or miss, and can often come down to just who you get on the day, luckily we got someone who liked our pitches. There were pleanty of pretty decent looking pitches that didn't make it though, but I guess that's the nature of the beast.

As to feedback. Yes, you will recieve feedback on your excerpt. But it's pretty short, like a paragraph. Last time, I got one really positive and one really negative feedback, and to be perfectly honest, neither was helpful in helping me improve the MS in any way. Though other's experiences of this may have been different.

I'm hopeful though that if I can get through to the next stage, i.e. top 250 in the category, that the Publisher Weekly review will be a little more substantive. But you gotta get past the excerpt stage first.

pickarooney

Well done to both of you on getting to the second round. Do you just have to wait and see now or send in more stuff?

EileenG

No, it's all in. First round is judged on the 300 word pitch, the second round is on a 5000 word excerpt, the third round is on the entire novel.

pickarooney

Memnoch, I could be thinking of someone else, but was your entry last year a historic, India-themed novel? If it's the one I'm thinking of the synopsis I read of it was really interesting and I would have wanted to read it.

Memnoch

pickarooney wrote: »

Memnoch, I could be thinking of someone else, but was your entry last year a historic, India-themed novel? If it's the one I'm thinking of the synopsis I read of it was really interesting and I would have wanted to read it.

Rooney, yes it was, thanks. Unfortuantely, I've never been a great editor and that draft was quite rough. I've since cut amost 15K words from the MS and it's much tighter now.

Hope they give it a chance.