Spending all your time with your OH - opinions?

Chinafoot

Ok so when you're in a relationship would you spend all of your time with your partner?

Now when I say all I mean all. Like, go everywhere together, don't have regular nights out without each other..that kind of thing.

Personally I think this would be a terribly unhealthy relationship and I would question any person who felt the need to spend every second with his gf/bf and not spend any time with his/her own friends. I would also be mightily unimpressed if someone objected to me spending time without him with my own friends on a regular basis (ie: once a week/fortnight).

I have seen a very, very differing opinion elsewhere on boards and that view expressed was that it would be unhealthy to not spend all their time with their significant other. It also seemed to suggest that anyone who does want time away (and is not into public displays of affection making friends uncomfortable) merely wants a casual relationship, and not a close relationship.

Now I know when you get married your husband/wife is your priority but surely you would still make time to see your friends (the ones that were around before the other half for example) without your partner?

So where would you stand on it ladies (and lads)?

minidazzler

I have a buddy who tends to devote every waking moment to his GF, we rarely see him, even when it's a lads night out, he might show up for a little while and then bail, sometimes he will bring her.

I don't think it's OK or healthy TBH. When you experience everything together, what do you talk about?

Novella

Personally, I love my own company. I like to live alone, sleep alone and yup, just have a lot of time to myself. I cannot stand being around someone 24/7 and living in someone's pocket.

While I'd have no problem making someone one of my priorities, having to do everything with him would be be total overkill for me. I think if a couple don't spend every waking moment together and go out without each other etc., it makes the time they do spend together more special.

I did have a boyfriend when I was younger and we were constantly together. It was a completely unhealthy relationship and of course, it ended in tears when I started to feel like I was in a prison. I don't think it's ever a good thing to be so dependant on another person. That's just my opinion but a lot of people think I'm quite cold-hearted so meh, maybe I'm wrong.

Snowie

I think its pretty lame to donate all your time in the world to just one person, thats a recepie for disaster...

personally if i had a girl friend id give her 3 days a week id like to have me time where i can read play my ps3 go for walks, go climbing chat with a few mates, and lots off other stuff,Being honest im a walking disater with women so you no what I dont really care any more. as far as im concerned my lifes easy with out them and i can be as headinistic as I like...
-tho if i had a gf who was into climbing, and stuff it would be really awesome cause id prolly be climbing 5 days aweek then ...

but sadly meeting a woman whos ino what im into seems to be pretty rare.

Pretty_Pistol

I would say it's edging on unhealthy if you're depending on someone that much. I've never felt the need to spend all my time with a bf but I suppose everyone and every relationship is different. I have had friends that have done this and tbh I found it annoying to have to always say it was fine for the bf to come along even though it was suppose to be a girls night out or expected to talk about personal things infront of them.

congo_90

From a male point of view,
These relationships are doomed to fail. You gotta have some 'other time' to yourself from time to time. Of course its good to spend time with the oh but spending all the time will inevitably change both people for the worse leading to the eventual boredom and breakup as they have 'become the same person'













Woah, that was deep :eek:

Das Kitty

I do spend the majority of my spare time in the same house as my husband, however most of my hobbies are house based so we're often in different rooms doing different things.

We both spend time with our friends and families together and apart.

When we first moved in together we lived in a 1 room flat and surprisingly didn't get on each other's goats, weirdest thing! I have never since or before met someone whose constant company I could stand for more than a few days.

I stil haven't gotten bored of his company or irritated by it. I do enjoy my own time but if I'm away for a couple of nights I do miss him.

I dunno, some people let their relationships consume their lives and they're sorry when it goes tits up, but then there are people like that who last as well (Paul and Linda McCartney for example). I do think you can be always together and still not cut people out, but I reckon you'd need not to be working!

sam34

i couldnt survive in a relationship like that, it would be too smothering and like being in prison.

Fink Goddie

I know lots of girls like that, ditch all there friends, spend all their time with the bf, then he dumps there ass and they come running back to their mates.

sorrywhat

I think its very unhealthy. You will ruin any relationships you have built up over the years with your friends. Doing nothing with them means you will drift further and further apart.

You need to balance your time with friends and the OH. Just because you have partner does not mean you should neglect your friends. Ive been on the receiving end of this and its not nice. And when it all come crumbling down and the person thinks its ok to start spending time with you again, you are in a dilema as to what to do.

Me? I sucked it up and forgave him. We hang more now than we ever did but some of my other friends wont really talk to him. All over a silly girl.

Dont lose yourself in the mist of lust for a girl/guy. The people who are always there for you are your friends.

Me personally. I have date nights with my friends (as i live with my OH). We go to the cinema, have girly nights out, girly nights in ( this included the guys and they love it, my guy friends not the OH's)

princess-lala

I would end up killing him if I had to spend all my time with him, I enjoy my own time and my time with my friends.

If I was in a relationship with a man who wanted this I would really have to consider my options because I couldnt live in someones pocket.

Seeing them a few days a week is fine but you have to be able to do your own thing too.

Some of my friends are like this in long LTR and its just not right, even if you live together it is still possible to do things on your own

pickarooney

I spend pretty much all my non-working time with my OH and kids. I'd prefer more time alone but I simply don't have the choice.

rantyface

Everyone's different.
I spend about 80% of my social time with my boyfriend, with or without other people. We have the same circles of friends anyway.
I like to go for walks while listening to music or play piano or read and obviously he can't do those things with me.

I've had friends who spend all their time with their boyfriends/ girlfriends and then come back when it ends, but I don't hold it against them.

krudler

I've been in the all our time together relationship and you just wind up resenting the person, or feeling a tinge of guilt when you make plans without them, even though you shouldnt have to feel it. Right now though me and my girlfriend only see each other maybe once or twice a week, its nice in that we have a lot to talk about when we meet up and we apprectiate the time we do get together all the more, but at the same time we miss each other a fair bit when we dont see each other for over a week at a time, so its six of one half a dozen of the other really. I do like how she encourages me to spend my time with my friends and going out when i can and even taking weekends away with the lads and stuff, and i do the same with her, having been on the complete opposite side of that its a nice change

Raekwon

I could never do that and never will, it is very unhealthy IMO.

In saying that, it is not uncommon at all. A mate of mine met a girl last summer and I've seen him twice in the last 6 months since they have been going out. Before we would head out to pubs and gigs together along with other mates all of the time, even went on holidays together..........but now I never even hear from him.

Malari

I'm not sure what people mean by "unhealthy" exactly. In what way? If you're happy spending nearly all your time with one person, and they are happy too should it affect anyone else?

I live with my boyfriend so spend a lot of time with him, but not all. We see our friends for coffee at the weekend, dinners - at home and in restaurants, few drinks in the pub. But that's not to say either of us wouldn't also be welcome if they wanted to join the group.

We each have family time on our own too, which I think is important.

I think when you have been together for some time many friends become mutual. If me and my boyfriend are in town together and a friend rings me to meet for coffee or something, I'm not going to shoo him away so I can meet her on her own (unless she requests it).

Acoshla

I don't understand couples that do this, when my friend left her fiance and realised how much she had become cut off from her friends she swore she would never do it again....skip to now with her new boyfriend and she basically never goes anywhere without him, and if she does she is constantly texting him or calling him, drives me mad.

My boyfriend and I both have home-based hobbies, so we spend a lot of time at home but not together or one will go out with friends while the other stays in, but my friend would never do this, she'll either have him with her or she'll stay home with him. I happily go out for the night without my OH and if he's bored at home it's his own problem!

However, an interesting (and annoying) development with us has been that two of my boyfriend's friends think we are that kind of couple, that I make him stay with me all the time, because for the last few months he hasn't really hung out with them. I know for a fact that one of our mutual guy friends has said that I'm dry and boring and that he used to be cool before he met me :rolleyes: What's actually happening is that my boyfriend doesn't want to hang out with these two guys anymore, but doesn't want to actually tell them so uses me as an excuse! I could kill him! It reflects so badly on me when I would never stop a guy from seeing his friends.

NothingMan

Been with the gf almost 4 years and living together for 3 months. I met her through a mutual friend so my group of friends has become our group of friends. We obviously see each other every day but I get in from work first so I can go the gym then she'll come home and go the gym so we have a few evenings a week kind of seperate. Then curl up on the couch and watch TV til bedtime.

I am much more of a socialiser/partyer so I may go out for pints on a thursday when she'll stay in, or if we go out on Friday she'll probably stay in on Saturday while I go out and get pished again.

She has her girl friends too, and work friends so she often is out with them and I'll often visit a mate in the shticks or go surfing for a weekend. So just cos you're living with someone doesn't mean you have to do everything together.

Malari

Spadina wrote: »

when my friend left her fiance and realised how much she had become cut off from her friends she swore she would never do it again

This, as far as I can see, is the only reason that people think it's unhealthy?

Spadina wrote: »

However, an interesting (and annoying) development with us has been that two of my boyfriend's friends think we are that kind of couple, that I make him stay with me all the time, because for the last few months he hasn't really hung out with them. I know for a fact that one of our mutual guy friends has said that I'm dry and boring and that he used to be cool before he met me :rolleyes: What's actually happening is that my boyfriend doesn't want to hang out with these two guys anymore, but doesn't want to actually tell them so uses me as an excuse! I could kill him! It reflects so badly on me when I would never stop a guy from seeing his friends.

Jebus, that would drive me nuts! My boyfriend doesn't do it, but he has plenty of mates who blame their wives/girlfriends if they want to do anything. I've pointed it out so some of them that perhaps it's the guy himself that doesn't want to go out and get rat-arsed but I am scorned and told it's always the woman who won't let the man out. :rolleyes:

sorrywhat

Malari wrote: »

This, as far as I can see, is the only reason that people think it's unhealthy?
.

To cut off all contact with you friends over a guy is kinda unhealthy. You spend all your time interacting with this one person. You may enjoy it, hell both of you may enjoy it but at the end of the day if you have friends, dont lose them over 1 person.

In times of a crisis or time in need Id prefer to have a circle of friends instead of one person to help me through.

Das Kitty

Oh Spadina! This was happening to me with one of my guy's friends, Only thing was my husband was only saying that he was tired or whatever and this guy was assuming it was me. I was totally oblivious until the guy ran into me on an evening out with my college friends and started screaming at me about me being allowed a night out and my husband not! When I told himself he rang the friend and told him the truth as to why he didn't want to go out and meet him. Never got an apology from the tosser!

Was thinking about this and I do actually have a friend who'd annoying in her attachment to her fiancé. She only organises to meet me/us when the guy has other plans. She rang us all for a weekend away last year and we booked and went, her fiancé had to leave the stag he was at early as he was asked to be on call the last minute so my friend decided to leave our weekend away in the middle of the first day to go home to him! The rest of us stayed on though. I just remember thinking it was bat****, she couldn't even get her money back and it's not like someone was sick or there was an emergency!

Got a call over Christmas to meet for lunch "what days suit you, Only Tuesday 1-3 suit me." Haha. Then there was the time a couple of months ago she left me standing waiting for a walk on the prom because he was late leaving for whatever he was doing. It was over an hour and I almost wet my self (due to current state). I was really mad about that.

Acoshla

Das Kitty why is it they think they can't make plans unless their OH has plans?? But it seems a lot of people think like that, for example my boyfriend is at a training course for work for the next few weeks in a nearby town, one of my friends said I should come stay with them one night now that he's away, she never asks me this when he's around, as if I wouldn't possibly do it when he's at home!

And yeah my boyfriend always uses me as an excuse when he doesn't want to go somewhere, the real reason could be because he's broke, tired, lazy, anything, but he'll always say "Ah we're just having a quiet night in/chillin out for the day at home, isn't that right Spadina?", as if I have him chained the couch watching chick flicks! :rolleyes:

LadyMayBelle

My boyf and I don't live that far apart but I get the oddest reactions fom people when I say 'oh I'll see him at the weekend', as though he or I should be dying to spend every second of every day together. I'm at college so generaly during the week, I finish at 5 or 6, do some study, watch telly and shower and bed. The odd time he has come over I'm antsy because I have a routine (again, because of college) and can't relax. One evening he brought a bottle of wine the night before I was doing an 8-8 pm shift and I was like, no cos I'll not be on form for the next day. Okay a bit OTT!

Subsequently, I was fine but I'm a creature of habit for now, I only have 5 months left and then I can relax! So yeah, I like my space, as does he, plus the time we spend together is great. I have my dance classes (he would not go even if I begged him), he has his footie and that's that.

My brother and his girlfriend (his first) are the complete opposite, moved in together after three months and are rarely, and I mean rarely seen alone. I don't feel it is healthy when you start not seeing your friends or family, your lifeviews do a one eighty and you take up bad habits (smoking!) They could argue it is because they get on so well and never argue but you need to look after yourself too.

Das Kitty

:eek::eek::eek::eek:

Das Kitty wrote: »

Then there was the time a couple of months ago she left me standing waiting for a walk on the prom because he was late leaving for whatever he was doing. It was over an hour and I almost wet my self (due to current state). I was really mad about that.

Daz Kitty that has nothing to do with boyfriends. That girl is a selfish cow.

Asphyxia

I do spend alot of time with my boyfriend but thats because we basically live together. He goes out with his friends and I do the same thing, we spend just enough time together. I think it would be a bit clingey to be hanging out of his arm all day. I'm happy with what I have.

Das Kitty

Moonbaby wrote: »

:eek::eek::eek::eek:






Daz Kitty that has nothing to do with boyfriends. That girl is a selfish cow.

Ya. I went home in the end and decided not to make plans with her on my own again rather than blowing up at her. She's not exactly a close friend, but I was hoping that we could be that after she moved home from living in another city. Ah well, I have plenty of dependable friends!

cyning

Ok I'm always split about this: he has Poker night Tuesdays (thank god) and I normally meet the girls maybe a Thursday of Friday but other then that we do live in each others pockets and I do get irritated when he makes plans for two nights in the week BUT he's a chef and works horrible antisocial crappy hours so he gets in at ten and I normally have to be in bed by half eleven so we don't see eachother as much as other couples.

When we go out we go out together: and I know a lot of his friend thinks he's whipped and say it to me but its a case of we have different days off in the week, he works late I work early and what do they expect? To have totally seperate social lives too? We'd never see eachother if that was the case!

Faith

My OH and I live 70 miles apart, so we only see each other at weekends. Typically he arrives after practice on a Friday night at about 11, I work 9-6 on Saturdays and he leaves by 3 on Sundays. So when we're together, I only want to spend my time with him. If a friend of mine wants to see me on my own in the few hours I spend with him, I'll normally turn them down. I've no problem when both of us go out together though. I'm free Sunday evening to Friday evening - my friends can schedule to see me then!

Aibreann

I love to have some few free hours every week, too much time together ... ah, especially when you live together.

scatterpillar

My personal situation is - until a few months ago, my fiance and I lived about a ten minute drive away from each other. We spent maybe two evenings a week together, and a couple of other nights he'd call in to me for maybe ten minutes just for a quick chat or whatever if he happened to be in the area.

As it is now, we're living on opposite sides of the country due to work. For the next couple of years at least. I'm home most weekends; if I'm not he comes to see me, we basically get one night together each week.

But we always talk on the phone a couple of times a day ... pretty much since we started going out, he rings me in the morning just to say hi, and we've a nice long chat then in the evenings.

We've never really gone out a whole lot together. He likes going to his local with the lads, I like going clubbing with the girls.

While he gets on great with my friends and I get on great with his, I have to say it irritates me when people try to push that too far. I mean, it's one thing to all meet up on nights out etc .... but I absolutely hate it when I arrange to meet a friend for coffee or whatever and they turn up with the boyfriend in tow. No matter how much I like the guy, you're not going to have a proper girly chat with him there, I just don't see why they'd do that! Personally I find it pretty rude; I'd never drag my fella along if I was spending time with my own friends, and he'd never expect me to or want me to.

And I'll just stress again - he gets on great with them, as I do with his friends - but I still think it's quite a good idea to keep your own "seperate" set of friends. I mean, I see my friends rarely enough because of work etc - when I do see them, I want us to have proper time together ... after all, I've known them a lot longer than I've known him. He knows that and respects that; I have the same respect for the fact that he wants time with the lads also; it's all cool!

iguana

Chinafoot wrote: »

I have seen a very, very differing opinion elsewhere on boards and that view expressed was that it would be unhealthy to not spend all their time with their significant other. It also seemed to suggest that anyone who does want time away (and is not into public displays of affection making friends uncomfortable) merely wants a casual relationship, and not a close relationship.

Where have you ever seen sentiments like that? I don't think I've ever heard anything so extreme. My old assistant was a woman in an arranged marriage who had been taught since birth that her number one priority is to be a good wife and to spend all her time with her husband and even she wasn't so extreme. Though she was really extreme and her husband had to coax her to socialise without him. She does prefer not to go out if he is home alone, but as they live with extended family and he works long hours I can understand her jumping at any chance to spend time that is just the two of them.

Ime it's is pretty normal for couples to spend most of their time together once they are in a place in their relationship where they are life partners, especially if they have children together. When the first of my friends to enter into a serious relationship moved in with her partner I know I and our other close friend didn't really get it. The three of us had been best friends for years and we couldn't understand why she didn't want to still come out with us and go home to him. But the fact is life changes and dynamics between friends change over time.

My husband and I seem to have a weird dynamic where the more time we spend together the better we get along. At the moment he is recovering from a really serious illness and we are spending 24/7 with each other and we are getting along great. We haven't even been able to have visitors because he picked up a bug when he was in hospital and I picked it up off him (and it was nasty enough to have me spend a night in hospital just after he was discharged) so we are contagious. It's just been the two of us and our dogs all week and it's been great. (Of course he came pretty close to dying so we are probably just still very relieved.) Under normal circumstances we make the effort to see friends at least one night a week each - usually on separate nights so the other gets a night in to chill out alone. Though so many of our friends don't know each other so often we only see certain people every month or two, or less.

Chinafoot

iguana wrote: »

Where have you ever seen sentiments like that? I don't think I've ever heard anything so extreme.

Oh its there. Not going to link it here but I cna PM you if you like? Edit to clarify: socialing is done...but not without each other.

iguana wrote: »

Ime it's is pretty normal for couples to spend most of their time together once they are in a place in their relationship where they are life partners, especially if they have children together. When the first of my friends to enter into a serious relationship moved in with her partner I know I and our other close friend didn't really get it. The three of us had been best friends for years and we couldn't understand why she didn't want to still come out with us and go home to him. But the fact is life changes and dynamics between friends change over time.

Oh I agree fully. I live with my other half, have been with hm almost 5 years and I spend a lot of my time with him. We socialise with mutual friends a fair bit, BUT I always make an effort to see my close friends on my own, and he does the same.

iguana wrote: »

My husband and I seem to have a weird dynamic where the more time we spend together the better we get along. At the moment he is recovering from a really serious illness and we are spending 24/7 with each other and we are getting along great. We haven't even been able to have visitors because he picked up a bug when he was in hospital and I picked it up off him (and it was nasty enough to have me spend a night in hospital just after he was discharged) so we are contagious. It's just been the two of us and our dogs all week and it's been great. (Of course he came pretty close to dying so we are probably just still very relieved.) Under normal circumstances we make the effort to see friends at least one night a week each - usually on separate nights so the other gets a night in to chill out alone. Though so many of our friends don't know each other so often we only see certain people every month or two, or less.

Thats all totally reasonable Glad to hear your hubby is ok.

Lia_lia

Yeah, I have friends like this. My housemate last year used to spend ALL her time with her boyfriend. They were like a married couple. Was very odd.

With my last boyfriend I used to spend lots of time with him whenever I saw him, but that was not very often as we were both in different cities for college.

Fago!

My best mate spends every waking second with his gf to the point where me and him are drifting apart. He works and practically lives with her.

I'd only ever see him if SHE was busy, and if the rest of us get an invite out, it's always the two of them.

All my mates have GFs, but they take the time to spend time with each other and me.

It's not just me. We all think this. I walked upto his house a few weeks ago and his bro goes "He's ****ing never here anymore, he's always with HER"

Don't get me wrong, she's a good friend of mine and I like her.

Maybe it'd be different if was in a relationship.

Chinafoot

Fago_25 wrote: »

Maybe it'd be different if was in a relationship.

I think that would only make a difference if you carried on the same way he is. I'm in a relationship and I make time. My friend is married and she makes time. I just can't personally understand anyone who would only want to spend time with their other half.

Hermione*

Chinafoot wrote: »

I just can't personally understand anyone who would only want to spend time with their other half.

I absolutely agree. I really enjoy my own company so I simply couldn't do it. I need my "me" time but I need my time with my friends just as much. I find when I'm in a relationship I have even greater need of girlie nights out!

It doesn't make sense in my view to do everything together either e.g. going to the cinema - I hate those action type films, (y'know Will Smith saves the world in 24 hours type things), most chaps hate the girlie films and I'm a sucker for a period drama. My solution has always been to go to my films with a girlfriend who'll enjoy it just as much as I and will want to discuss over the bottle of vino afterwards. He can watch the world blowing up with his mates.

hamsterboy

Well I'm in an interesting situation regarding this thread.
I used to spend nearly every moment outside work with my GF, but tomorrow she moves to Germany for 3 years for a Ph.D position.
It's gonna be a huge change for both of us but I think it will be a change we needed.
Sure it will be tough but I reckon it will make us appreciate each other more when we do see each other.
BTW, we've been living together for about 10 years...........


HB

Malari

scatterpillar wrote: »

but I absolutely hate it when I arrange to meet a friend for coffee or whatever and they turn up with the boyfriend in tow. No matter how much I like the guy, you're not going to have a proper girly chat with him there, I just don't see why they'd do that! Personally I find it pretty rude; I'd never drag my fella along if I was spending time with my own friends, and he'd never expect me to or want me to.

I find this kind of language exactly as bad as guys blaming their girlfriends for not being "allowed out". For some people the boyfriend is not a dog, to be "dragged along" with you, but you jointly do things. Y'know, a mutual arrangement. :rolleyes: If you're so concerned about having a girly chat why can't you just say you want to talk about some stuff in private?

Ginny

We live together, we can't really ignore each other, we work separately and go to the gym mostly separately, but in the evening and weekends we would spend a good amount of that time together, but with being out from7:30am-8:30pm with work and gym it's really not that much time. All of my friends are married/have kids and we understand that life is busy and hectic for everyone, most peoples main priority is their family but we do make sure we organise night out every now and then, and i know if i ever needed them they'd be there for me.
TBH I'd say this is more an issue for people who aren't living together, if you're living together you do tend to spend a fair amount of time with your OH.

Ickle Magoo

Some people like their space others like living in each others pockets, I don't think there is any right or wrong way or healthy Vs unhealthy just because it's not something you think you would like.

I moved in with my other-half after three months and 10 years later we've barely spent a night apart. I spend a lot of time with him still - especially now we're married and have kids to look after.

We both go out with our own group of friends and have different projects on the go and we can often be found pottering around in different parts of the same house but we don't ever have to deliberately schedule time away from each other so we don't get fed up with each others company. Usually it's the opposite, we love spending quality time together and sometimes turn down the chance to go out to have a lovely night in but, of course, it's nice to catch up with friends or spend time with other people too.

candy-gal1

tbh if your truly happy with your OH and can be yourself 100% with them then I dont see a problem with spending as much time together as you both like. I mean youd like to spend most/all your time with your best friend right?! so if your OH happens to be your best mate too then its fun and you wouldnt notice how long youve spent hanging out together.

DancingDaisy

I know that with the relationship I'm in at the moment, we did spend the first few months completely wrapped up in each other, and not really being separated at all. However now we see each other at some stage during the day as we are living together, but I also do things with my friends, and go for girly nights out and such, and he does things with his friends.

It took a while to get past the infatuation stage, but our friends realised we were going through it and gave us some leeway. They knew we would eventually snap out of it, and we did.

I think that for a relationship to be healthy in the long term, you do need some separate outlets. I know that if I get irritated over something then it's good to be able to go meet a friend for coffee or something, and he feels the same.

Herbal Deity

Malari wrote: »

I'm not sure what people mean by "unhealthy" exactly. In what way? If you're happy spending nearly all your time with one person, and they are happy too should it affect anyone else?

100% agree.

The word "unhealthy" has been used for too casually ITT. What's healthy and what's not isn't a matter of opinion.

Different people have different kinds of relationships with their friends and their OHs.

It's quite annoying, and indeed, bad form for a friend to ditch their platonic friends for a partner, but I wouldn't go so far as to call them unhealthy, that just sounds like a petty slur to me.

Lothaar v2

Unhealthy? What a load of absolute twoddle! TOSH, I say!

I'm married with two young kids. I spend pretty much all of my time (outside work) with my wife. It's great.

This is not only perfectly healthy, but the ability to enjoy each other's company that much is essential to a successful long-term relationship. Some day, we'll be OAPs and maybe we won't get out much. The fact that we'll be perfectly happy with each other's company means life will be good.


Just because YOU don't want to do it yourself - at this moment in time - does not mean it's unhealthy.

scatterpillar

Malari wrote: »

I find this kind of language exactly as bad as guys blaming their girlfriends for not being "allowed out". For some people the boyfriend is not a dog, to be "dragged along" with you, but you jointly do things. Y'know, a mutual arrangement. :rolleyes: If you're so concerned about having a girly chat why can't you just say you want to talk about some stuff in private?

My point is that, if I was meeting a friend for coffee and I only saw her maybe once a month or whatever, I'd feel bad bringing my fiance along because, even though he gets on great with all my friends, if my friend had something on her mind that she wanted to chat about with me, she's not necessarily going to bring it up with him there. And I don't think that the obligation should be on her to specifically request a private chat with me in advance - I think that, out of respect to her, my time with her should be just the two of us. I don't think it's too much to ask ... after all, I might love my fiance and would quite happily spend all my free time with him - but that doesn't mean that my friends want to!

As I said, nights out with a gang or whatever are completely different. But I have often been the friend in the above situation, stuck making polite conversation with a couple and my friend and I not being able to chat properly about what's going on in our lives because her boyfriend is sitting there, which is maybe why I make a conscious effort not to do it to my own friends.

If I arranged to meet up with my fiance to spend some time with him, I wouldn't usually go bringing a friend along if it was just going to be the three of us - it works both ways!

iguana

Hermione* wrote: »

It doesn't make sense in my view to do everything together either e.g. going to the cinema - I hate those action type films, (y'know Will Smith saves the world in 24 hours type things), most chaps hate the girlie films and I'm a sucker for a period drama. My solution has always been to go to my films with a girlfriend who'll enjoy it just as much as I and will want to discuss over the bottle of vino afterwards. He can watch the world blowing up with his mates.

That is such a problem in my world.:( I have pretty much the same taste in movies as my husband and his friends. I want to see sci-fi/superhero/horror movies. I read about them online and anticipate them for ages and then my husband and his friends arrange to go see them and I am left with the choice of tagging along, going by myself or waiting to see it at home some months later. I know I could just go to see the movie with them but none of their wives/girlfriends are going so I hate the feeling that I am not letting my husband go out without me. And even though everyone knows I just genuinely want to see the movie there is a bit more to a night at the cinema with your friends than just seeing the movie.

Chinafoot

To those who think its perfectly normal...would you object to your partner having a regular (say one night a week/fortnight) night out with his/her friends without you?

This was a view expressed elsewhere and *that* is what I deem most unhealthy.

Malari

Chinafoot wrote: »

To those who think its perfectly normal...would you object to your partner having a regular (say one night a week/fortnight) night out with his/her friends without you?

This was a view expressed elsewhere and *that* is what I deem most unhealthy.

Not at all, unless it was just for the express purpose of getting away from the partner! That just seems weird.

iguana

Chinafoot wrote: »

To those who think its perfectly normal...would you object to your partner having a regular (say one night a week/fortnight) night out with his/her friends without you?

It depends on the circumstances. If we had kids and my husband was working a lot of late nights I would be annoyed if he made time to meet a friend but he didn't make the effort to be home early on another night for me to do the same.

Chinafoot

Malari wrote: »

Not at all, unless it was just for the express purpose of getting away from the partner! That just seems weird.

I don't believe I mentioned anywhere in my OP that it was about "getting away" from your other half. I think its healthy to spend time with other people, as in having a social circle that extends beyond one person.

iguana wrote: »

It depends on the circumstances. If we had kids and my husband was working a lot of late nights I would be annoyed if he made time to meet a friend but he didn't make the effort to be home early on another night for me to do the same.

Yeah absolutely agree.

I was just completely shocked to see that people have the attitude that wanting to see other friends without your partner means you are not as committed to the relationship. If my partner objected I would see it as very controlling on his part and I'd certainly be having none of it.

Ickle Magoo

Chinafoot wrote: »

To those who think its perfectly normal...would you object to your partner having a regular (say one night a week/fortnight) night out with his/her friends without you?

This was a view expressed elsewhere and *that* is what I deem most unhealthy.

Well, it depends. In theory I don't mind if he goes out regularly and I certainly don't mind him going out without me or visa versa - it was a regular occurrence several years ago - but on the other hand we now have two small children who get up early and need looked after, we have various commitments to attend at weekends while the other looks after the kids, there is limited time off to spend together and limited finances with which to do it - fortunately neither of us get either an urge or the opportunity to go out with mates every week (our friends are all in pretty much the same boat) so it's just not an issue.

I guess on one hand I think going everywhere as a couple is unnecessary but I know to some couples it's actually a preference. I think having a wider social circle is good but I don't think that necessarily has to translate as weekly or fortnightly night out on the town seperately - we'd much rather regularly have friends over or go out to dinner with friends and have the odd night out on our own.