How can I stop being such a slow-witted cnut

shamblertine

I'm sick of being humiliated and embarrassed by my friends and colleagues putdowns, I can always think of a great response to them but only about 2 hours after they said it. So whats the secret of being quick witted? Is it a case of thinking of a great putdown for everyone you meet before they insult you first? Or should I try and improve my intelligence and response times by reading more books or perhaps buying that brain training thing? Thanks in advance :mad:

seamus

"Bite me ****head". Works in any scenario.

Captain_Generic

Getting put down by everyone here probably won't help

shamblertine

Captain_Generic wrote: »

Getting put down by everyone here won't improve anything

maybe I secretly like it, but thats not to say I don't want to be more quick witted

Who_owns_this?

You need to work on your own sense of self first. If you think you're a cnut, then you can't blame anybody else for thinking the same.
The next time somebody has nothing better to do than put you down to make themselves feel better, just take a deep breath, remember that you are a wonderful person, and then shout "no, I won't sleep with you for cash you big nosed gimp"!

Carter96

shamblertine wrote: »

I'm sick of being humiliated and embarrassed by my friends and colleagues putdowns, I can always think of a great response to them but only about 2 hours after they said it. So whats the secret of being quick witted? Is it a case of thinking of a great putdown for everyone you meet before they insult you first? Or should I try and improve my intelligence and response times by reading more books or perhaps buying that brain training thing? Thanks in advance :mad:

Just one of those things; you have it or you don't. You don't, sorry but, yeah reading more might help!

phasers

I don't think there's any hope for you

alwaysadub

Store all your great responses in your head,or write them down and memorise them, im sure eventually you'll have the right come back to their comment.
Or,failing that, just head butt them. That'll teach em!

MaybeLogic

It's a self-fulfilling prophesy.
You need to change your prophesies,methinks.

InkSlinger67

Make the target shout somehow and remember 1 simple line young grasshopper.... "You scream like your ma". The target will think twice before trying to get one over his slow-witted colleague again

Hope this helps!

blinding

Meet up with a load of very slow witted people and make them your premium friends.

Then maybe you can move up the divisions.

Photi

This game will teach you all you need to know

MaybeLogic

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YLjxp_86dKs

copacetic

shamblertine wrote: »

I'm sick of being humiliated and embarrassed by my friends and colleagues putdowns, I can always think of a great response to them but only about 2 hours after they said it. So whats the secret of being quick witted? Is it a case of thinking of a great putdown for everyone you meet before they insult you first? Or should I try and improve my intelligence and response times by reading more books or perhaps buying that brain training thing? Thanks in advance :mad:

the key is to learn off a few universal ones and just stick them in while you think of something better. don't think of ones for each person, think of them in general for fat people, dim people etc, peoples family etc.

Well yore ma is so fat.... etc etc. You're so stupid that... etc etc

shamblertine

Thanks people, some good stuff here, I'm going to get to work on a memory bank of insults.

MaybeLogic

Train your brain to think in different ways.
Like doing both the quick and the cryptic crosswords.
Do 'lateral' or 'relational' thinking exercises.

Bonito

phasers wrote: »

I don't think there's any hope for you

THIS IS SPARTAAH

Of course we can help him

GO TEAM SPARTA AH

Biggins

How can I stop being such a slow-witted cnut

Stop voting for clowns in FF and the Green party.

Agricola

I dont think you can learn off insults. Well you can, but its the ability to utilize em at the right moment, under pressure...........thats what'll fúck ya up.

I find people who are good at quick witted putdowns are almost always very comfortable in their own skin and have a well developed superiority complex. When a situation arises, they are so cool they just rattle off insults like a machine gun. But if people bother you, if you're the sort of person that worrys and comes on a forum to get advise about such things, then you havent much of a hope i think!

dr.bollocko

Practice.

copacetic

dr.bollocko wrote: »

Practice.

pretty much the same as the other advice above.

blinding wrote: »

Meet up with a load of very slow witted people

seclachi

Theres one counter insult that never fails.

Yer ma is a "insert original insult here"

dr.bollocko

copacetic wrote: »

pretty much the same as the other advice above.

Say that in there.
See how you get on.

copacetic

dr.bollocko wrote: »

Say that in there.
See how you get on.

a cmon now, it's mostly just insults, not quick witted retorts.

also, I'm not nuts!:p

Aidric

copacetic wrote: »

Well yore ma is so fat.... etc etc.

If someone came out with that as a retort I'd think they were an even bigger tosser.

bonerm

shamblertine wrote: »

I'm sick of being humiliated and embarrassed by my friends and colleagues putdowns, I can always think of a great response to them but only about 2 hours after they said it. So whats the secret of being quick witted? Is it a case of thinking of a great putdown for everyone you meet before they insult you first? Or should I try and improve my intelligence and response times by reading more books or perhaps buying that brain training thing? Thanks in advance :mad:

Emm....... emmm ...... emmm....... I dunno.

But how about for an alternative you stop hanging out with people who insult you?

copacetic

Aidric wrote: »

If someone came out with that as a retort I'd think they were an even bigger tosser.

well I'd certainly agree that "Well yore ma is so fat.... etc etc." is not a great one.

AckwelFoley

When reuqired..

place the cack of your hand under your chin, look into your targets eye.

and while brushing your hand off th under side of your chin, dictate in your coolest and firm voice "succhiare il cazzo"

Turn away, and ignore him.

If that fails, kick him in the nuts.

I promise you, regardless of what is said, that person or anyone else in the room while the nut kicking is carried out will even dream of slaggin you again.

Abi

shamblertine wrote: »

I'm sick of being humiliated and embarrassed by my friends and colleagues putdowns

Theres no such thing, just enemies. From the moment you are introduced to someone you have to harbor a sekrit hate for them. Over the the years allow them to confide in you with their problems, and if they ever try to make an arse out you in front of other people

*BAM*


You've just got a belt of the truth serum. "He he he. Jesus, thats almost as funny as the time you told me you had gonorrhea".

Princess Consuela Bananahammock

I think watching a lot of comedy helps. The other secret, if there is one, is memory. It's remembering the responce as well as thinking of it.

There are a few multi-purpose catchphrases and if you're really stuck just look confused and say either "Oh,right so, Ted!" or "That's right Captain Blackadder!" A friend of mine uses, "Mrs Robinson, you're trying to seduce me!" on occasion. Makes no sense, but works.

BluesBerry

just say "yeah well your face" there is no comeback to that

CrazyRabbit

Practice.

After 30+ years, I'm almost good at it.

Captain_Generic

I suck at comebacks, but i never really need them because i am the awesome

Wagon

you have to really not be afraid of hurting someone. really, dont be afriad to make some cry if you have to. Fat girl slag you off? Slag her off for being fat. simle. Red haired git in a suit giving you hassle? Slag him off for having red hair and tell him you hope his mother dies in the new year.

It's better to be a cúnt than a slow witted one.

Bonito

seamus wrote: »

"Bite me ****head". Works in any scenario.

Just have a Tetanus shot handy in case they break skin

OR bite them back and wait 'til your jaw locks

bnt

There are also non-vocal comebacks that include:

• the examination: like you've just noticed this weird person at the table who made a noise, and wonder what's wrong with them
• the look-over: head down, eyebrows up, like you're looking over your glasses. (Even better if you have glasses.)
• the "oh, grow up" shrug: you're the professional in the room, he's the kid.
• the flick: like swatting away a dozy fly
• the "huh" or "meh" or "hmmph" dismissive noise
• the blank: the insulter is not even there

Princess Consuela Bananahammock

bnt wrote: »

There are also non-vocal comebacks that include:

• the examination: like you've just noticed this weird person at the table who made a noise, and wonder what's wrong with them
• the look-over: head down, eyebrows up, like you're looking over your glasses. (Even better if you have glasses.)
• the "oh, grow up" shrug: you're the professional in the room, he's the kid.
• the flick: like swatting away a dozy fly
• the "huh" or "meh" or "hmmph" dismissive noise
• the blank: the insulter is not even there

No sure about this. It's more annoying than witty, and you don't want to come off as annoying.

Ostrom

shamblertine wrote: »

I'm sick of being humiliated and embarrassed by my friends and colleagues putdowns, I can always think of a great response to them but only about 2 hours after they said it. So whats the secret of being quick witted? Is it a case of thinking of a great putdown for everyone you meet before they insult you first? Or should I try and improve my intelligence and response times by reading more books or perhaps buying that brain training thing? Thanks in advance :mad:

Watch a few seasons of Frasier?

me-skywalker

Tell one good friend you can trust. Tell him/her your problem and then they might understand and be able to help you better. Also might try spread on the word.

Hoep thsi helps, it might not seem like much but raelly tell at least one firned woudl certainly help.

Abi

me-skywalker wrote: »

Tell one good friend you can trust. Tell him/her your problem and then they might understand and be able to help you better. Also might try spread on the word.

Hoep thsi helps, it might not seem like much but raelly tell at least one firned woudl certainly help.

*skips through flowery meadow*

Tra la la la lahhhh :pac:

Oh hai!

stovelid

Invent time travel and try and get your ma to go with somebody else to alter your gene mix.

poppyvalley

shamblertine wrote: »

I'm sick of being humiliated and embarrassed by my friends and colleagues putdowns, I can always think of a great response to them but only about 2 hours after they said it. So whats the secret of being quick witted? Is it a case of thinking of a great putdown for everyone you meet before they insult you first? Or should I try and improve my intelligence and response times by reading more books or perhaps buying that brain training thing? Thanks in advance :mad:

just say "with friends like u who needs enemies"all the best

admiralofthefleet

read viz

blondie83

poppyvalley wrote: »

just say "with friends like u who needs enemies"all the best

I second this - always good, and when said with a laugh keeps the thing light-hearted! Thing is in Ireland friends are kind of obliged to insult each other mildly so you sorta have to play the game. I personally also like the

"Oh this coming from the girl/guy who...*insert embarassing/drunken thing the person has done here* "

Has the effect of moving the spotlight onto the person slagging you off. Mind you most of my friends are or were mad drunkards, so I've plenty of material for that come back!

argosy2006

flahavaj

If you can't even spell a simple word like cunt, theres not much hope for you.

ScumLord

I'm rubber and your glue. Works every time. ;)



Seriously though what your looking for is cocaine.

mfceiling

shamblertine wrote: »

I'm sick of being humiliated and embarrassed by my friends and colleagues putdowns, I can always think of a great response to them but only about 2 hours after they said it. So whats the secret of being quick witted? Is it a case of thinking of a great putdown for everyone you meet before they insult you first? Or should I try and improve my intelligence and response times by reading more books or perhaps buying that brain training thing? Thanks in advance :mad:

Simple.......go out 3 hours after your friends go out and then you'll have all the smart remarks ready then

bleg

You being slow witted is due to a mixture of your genetics and your environment.

filthymcnasty

once you come to terms with being an imbecile, you'll be fine. chin up

brummytom

I don't think you can become wittier, it's something that comes naturally.. and wit is what you need for a good retort, not learning a few generic insults.