Single parent AGAIN!

LegacyUser

I'm not sure if this thread should be in the parenting board, so mods please feel free to move it - although my 'issue' isn't really parenting.
Briefly, I'm a 40yr old woman. Without throwing flowers at myself, I have a good job, am intelligent, own my own home, am attractive and have a good sense of humour. The reason I even tell you this is because I KNOW I am a good person.
I have a 6yr old daughter who I have raised alone. Her father, after a 3yr relationship, decided he didn't want to be a father to her and has stuck to his guns. No contact in all this time. As you can imagine, I was quite upset during my pregnancy and for the first few years of her life. But I soldiered on and here I am, with a beautiful little girl who is the light of my life.
So I met this guy about 6 months ago - it's been pretty casual. And now I am pregnant again. And he seems to have decided he doesnt want this child either.
I am moving between 'I can do this on my own again no problem!", to 'How on earth could I have picked another man who would abandon their child????' moods. Overall, I am delighted that I have been given the opportunity to have another child. I really thought I would never have more kids. But I'm not sure how or why I have ended up with two children (well, 1 and a half lol!!), who's fathers do not want them?????
I believe I should take some responsibility in this in that people treat you the way you allow them to treat you. It appears that these two men have treated me like cra*p. And yet, I have wonderful friends, a great family and on the big scale of things, I appear to be liked (if that makes sense!).
I am not sure what my question is here - I know I'll cope with this second child alone - I have stayed positive and am genuinely happy - but what to I tell the children as they get older??? Both your daddies didn't want you?????? Has anyone, or is anyone in a similar situation where they find themselves having two children for two different men (who dont want the children) and are trying very very, hard to figure out how this happened????
Thanks for reading.

kittenkiller

Hi OP.

I feel for you. But at least you seem to have your sh1t together in regards to the rest of your life.

Can I just ask, did you mention having children to these guys during the early stages of your relationship?
I know it's not the most romantic thing to talk about but it gives background to my second question.
Were you using contraception with these guys?

I know accidents happen, but two accidents?

I'm an adoptee, so I'm coming from the viewpoint of someone who had both parents decide they didn't want to be parents (or whatever) and decided to give me up.
I'm fine with it because I see that things worked out the best for me.
However this is wouldn't be my ideal situation for starting a family personally.

I just don't understand how there can be so many couples out there risking pregnancy without a second thought to the consequences.

My advice for your next relationship would be to ask the difficult questions before it's too late and cover yourself from any accidents (ok, so nothing's 100% but the odds reduce dramatically when methods are combined) until you're sure that you have the support of your partner or are willing to go it alone again.

Best of luck & congratulations OP.
I'm sure you'll be fine.

LegacyUser

Hi OP.
Firstly, you strike me as quite calm about this pregnancy - I think i'd be stressed to be bits so fair play to you for that! I'm also a single mum. My son is 11.
For years, I cried wondering why his dad did not love or want him. And what happened? Nothing! I got stressed, ended up sick and his dad meanwhile continued his life as if his son had never been born.
I copped on after a few years. This really isn't about me. Its about his dad. A man who cant or wont take responsibility for thier own child (and I'm not talking financially even) is NOT a man in my eyes.
I'm sure you're daughter is a credit to you and in years to come, this new child will be too. You can hold your head up high and know that you have done the best for both of your children. It is NOT your fault that neither dad has the b*lls to take responsibility for thier children. They can blame you, and probably will to anyone who will listen (no doubt you're a phsycho lol!), but the bottom line is THEY are the weak ones, not you.
The very best of luck during your pregnancy.

LegacyUser

Hi kittenkiller,

To answer your questions. Myself and my ex partner of 3 years planned our daughter. It was when I got pregnant that he had a change of heart.

No, I didn't discuss children with my recent partner - however, I am on the pill and it obviously didn't work. I have obviously thought of a termination and adoption, but neither road is for me and I have decided to take responsibility for this child and raise it to the best of my ability, which is all any of us can do.

Peggypeg

Hey OP,

Well first of all Congratulations and well done for all you've done so far. Alot of couples would find it hard to have all you have and you've done it all by yourself, you sound very strong to me.

You said:

I believe I should take some responsibility in this in that people treat you the way you allow them to treat you. It appears that these two men have treated me like cra*p. And yet, I have wonderful friends, a great family and on the big scale of things, I appear to be liked (if that makes sense!).

I'm wondering if you allow or expect men to treat you badly? You seem to have yourself sorted in every other way. I'm not a counsellor but maybe you could go to one to work out with someone else why this may have happened to you twice. It may have just been bad luck, it could be the way you interact, it could be that your unfortunate enough to meet two spineless sh*theads. If this is bugging you and taking up space in your head I really would go and see a councellor. I've gone to 3 in my life time and they helped me tremendously. Maybe something to consider?

Whatever happens sweetie, I think you'll be ok, you've done this already and don't forget the baby will have a big sister!!! Keep looking forward to all the good times you know are in front of you (holding them for the first time, first smile, first step:) )during this very exciting time!

Best of luck OP.

denhaagenite

Hi OP

Congratulations on your pregnancy, planned or unplanned .

While part of me tends to agree with the other poster as regards contraception, these things happen.

I'll tell you a little story about a very good friend of mine. Her eldest daughter is 19 this year and her youngest is 7. She has four children in total and they are the closest sisters you could ever imagine. She met her husband 11 years ago and they have been married for 4 years, this is the only time either of them have been married. All four of their girls have different fathers.

The eldest two, 19 (as I said) and 17, know their fathers and keep in regular contact with both them and their paternal grandparents but neither men have wanted to be fathers to the girls. The next one is 13 and her father is now like a brother to my friend and her husband, an uncle to the other girls and is an outstanding parent, even though he lives in the UK and they live in Europe. The youngest is the only child born after they were married. The day to day parenting is done by their step father and this is fine by them.

While this is not an ideal situation, and extremely hard work for my friend when she was on her own, it works. I must admit I was a bit shocked when I first met them four years ago but my opinion on non- nuclear families has completely changed since. They have helped me to become much more open minded. Who am I to judge?

I know things are a bit different in Ireland, but fools will always be fools. As long as you love and provide for your children, I'm sure that they won't feel like the lack of father so much. Who knows, you might meet a lovely man sometime soon. I wish you all the best

j4supporter

Hi OP,

Congrats on the news of the 2nd arrival whether wanted or not by the father at least the child will be loved and cared for by someone.

I am coming from the oppisite side of the coin. I have a child from a previous relationship and unfortnatuely once my ex became pregnant she pretty much decided that I was no longer wanted or required. We had been together for 3 years when we decided that we wanted a baby. Everything was going fine during the first few months. Then what ever happened, I don't know everything changed. Me coming home late from work (1 hour) even though it was overtime,Me forgetting to go shopping, Me wanting to go out for a meal with my family would kick off in the biggest row ever .

I dug my heels in and was determined to stay there as I was in love with her and wanted a family with her. Which resulted in her moving into her mothers, I gave her space, only text her to ask after the baby. All that. Only seen her when there was a hospital appointment on. Baby boy was born and all fine.

At the moment, I am trying to go through the courts to get access to see my son. He will be 3 in a couple of months

So just to let you know, all guys aren't the same. I would love to see my son every day and I think that guys that don't want to see their child/ren or whatever their reasons are just cowards and the lowest form of men.

LegacyUser

Thank you for your kind words j4supporter and I wish you all the best in getting access to your son.

My 'current' ex, upon hearing about the circumstances of my daughters father (before I was pregnant), was also appalled at the idea that a man could just ignore his child. He has a child with his ex wife and fought to get custody - the difference being they were married a long time and he raised that child until she was 4.

However, it seems that he is begining to understand the mind of a man who can ignore his child. Having said that, the child is not yet here and while none of us knows whats around the corner, his lack of support and interest in the hospital appointments (I've had some problems) leads me to believe he won't be involved.

I KNOW all men are not the same. I know there are some great men out there. And both times, I thought I'd found great men.

Peggypeg (I like that name!) - you might just have hit the nail on the head about me expecting men to treat me badly. My father and I had a very difficult relationship. I have many brothers also, and have had a difficult relationship with most of them. Yes, there has been abuse (both sexual and violent) but long ago, I walked away from my family situation and became a better person for it. I've often given advice to people on this site about how to deal with difficult family members.
But perhaps you're right - having been to 2 counsellors myself over the years (the best money I've ever spent!), perhaps I still expect men to treat me badly? Or am I just thinking too much!

Kipperhell

In fairness to any person, not many people are going to be willing to have a child with somebody they only have a 6 month relationship with.

If somebody was delighted at getting pregnant after 6 months and I was the other party I would be suspicious of the situation. As I personally don't want kids if it was suddenly thrust upon me I would still say I didn't want a child. It is not the same situation as planning a child and then changing my mind. You are lumping similar experiences together that are not the same even if the outcome is the same.

If you are taking responsibility for the child then realistically take responsibility the way it happened. None of this negates the man's responsibility or your responsibility to insure they pay for their children. If you are not pursing any payment from these men you are likely making other people not involved responsible via state payments. I am not saying you are taking state money but I doubt you are refusing benefits that you are entitled to due to absent fathers. You should not allow them avoid financial responsibility as a person let alone the actual mother.

No point in blaming your taste in men better off acting like a responsible adult and actually do what is right.

LegacyUser

Hi Kipperhell,
I think I am doing what's right for me.
I have worked full time since my maternity leave ended when my daughter was 6 months old. In that past 6 years, I have bought my own home and paid for a creche to mind my daughter while I work. I have never received any state benefits. I receive maintenance (through court) from the father of my daughter.

LegacyUser

Kipperhell said 'If somebody was delighted at getting pregnant after 6 months and I was the other party I would be suspicious of the situation. As I personally don't want kids if it was suddenly thrust upon me I would still say I didn't want a child. It is not the same situation as planning a child and then changing my mind. You are lumping similar experiences together that are not the same even if the outcome is the same'

I need to add that I was NOT delighted when I got pregnant. I thought long and hard about my options.
I am delighted now, because I have come around to the fact that this is my child I am carrying - perhaps it's easier for a woman to adjust to a 'crisis' pregnancy as she is the one carrying the child. I am doing the right thing for me and for my daughter. And when you say I am lumping similar experiences together even if the outcome is the same...what is the point in dwelling on the 'experiences'. The fact of the matter is the 'outcome' in both cases is a child!!!

Kipperhell

Unreg40 wrote: »

Hi Kipperhell,
I think I am doing what's right for me.
I have worked full time since my maternity leave ended when my daughter was 6 months old. In that past 6 years, I have bought my own home and paid for a creche to mind my daughter while I work. I have never received any state benefits. I receive maintenance (through court) from the father of my daughter.

You should be doing what is right for your child/children. You said the father had nothing to do with your daughter and that isn't true. Unless you are not claiming for children's allowance you are receiving state benefit. While waiting on a court ruling you would have been entitled to benefits which you should have claimed. Good to hear you made sure the father has financial input.

I am sure you are doing what you think is best but if that is actually the correct thing is not the same. Your financial achievements don't really matter. I would be wary of what you may say to your daughter given your appraisal of what has happened this time round. What you initial said does not sound like you are taking responsibility for what happened rather doing what you feel best about.

I do think the father should take responsibility but I don't think he some scoundrel either. There are lot of people who will say he is not even a man for facing up but it is a big commitment to make for a 6 month relationship. He may come around I am not sure how he has treated you as you suggested he treated you badly but then why you would stay with him 6 months if that was the case. Little bits of what you said suggest you are not taking responsibility and to an extent blaming men. Good luck to you but bear in mind your daughter may want a man in the future and you might have a son. Just a word of caution rather than putting you down.

Due to your extra post:
Just because the outcomes are the same does not make them directly comparable. You don't know how the father will react in the future and assuming them the same you may very well deprive your child of a father. If you can't see the difference between how somebody wanting a child and changing their mind and somebody who in a short relationship sudden finds his girlfriend pregnant is you really aren't looking at this objectively for your child's benefit. Very likely you are going to assume it is all happening again.

LegacyUser

With respect Kipperhell, you are very subtly trying to put me down!

I never suggested my most recent ex treated me badly. I said he has shown no interest in the hospital visits, or supported me. I did not say that his treatment of me was bad, in fact things were wonderful until I got pregnant.

When you say 'I am sure you are doing what you think is best but if that is the correct thing is not the same'.
I am doing what is best for me and my daughter.
I am doing the right thing for me and my daughter.
So what I Think is best, and what is correct for me, are the same thing.

I wasn't waiting on a court ruling and I didn't received state benefits. You appear slightly confused Kipperhell. I was paid full maternity leave and returned to work. After that, I brought my ex to court for maintenance. And I don't appreciate you changing your tactics by saying you 'meant' childrens allowance when you talked about state benefit. Anyone reading this knows what you meant.

So you think that little bits of what I've said suggest that I am not taking responsibility, but blaming men????

Well if you call choosing not to have a termination, choosing not to put this child up for adoption but choosing to go ahead with the pregnancy and raising this child not taking responsibility, then you are absolutely right!
As for blaming men?
You may have misread my first post where I said I take some responsibility for this situation. I am far from blaming men. If anyone, I'm blaming myself!

seahorse

singlemumtoo wrote: »

A man who cant or wont take responsibility for thier own child (and I'm not talking financially even) is NOT a man in my eyes.

+ 1

What a pity you've had the misfortune to have gotten involved with two men who are like-minded on the point of shirking their responsibilities. All you can do is your best here and my advice to you would be to pursue this man for the financial support your child is entitled to.

I wouldn't let him walk away if I were you. You are not 'thrusting' anything upon him - he was the one doing the thrusting, presumably without a condom, and now it's time for him to face the consequences of that.

Nevyn

Kipperhell Unhelpful and off-topic posting will get you banned from this forum.
Do take time to read the charter which contains the rules and abide by them.
Have a nice day.
Thaedydal

Taltos

Wow OP - congrats.

I know someone who could be you say 10yrs ago. She also decided to keep the 2nd child - but in her case she has a very amicable relationship with the 2nd father.
They both support them financially and the 2nd one was always there for his child.

Just because this guy decided he can't cope being with you and the baby does not let him off the hook. Accidents do happen after all.

Maybe pursuing more counselling might be beneficial in terms of changing the type of man you attract?
Just because of your family experience and the last 2 blokes you met - well - it doesn't mean all guys are like that. Maybe with help you can find a way to spot the warning signs in advance and hit the eject button?

Best of luck with the pregnancy.

LegacyUser

Hi seahorse,
LOL yes he was thrusting! But like I said above, i was on the pill....the inaffective one!

I can't make him take responsibility unfortunately. I have learned so much in my experience with my daughters father. So when you say 'I wouldn't let him walk away', I get where you are coming from, but I can't make him stay either! Nor would I want him to!

seahorse

Unreg40 wrote: »

Hi seahorse,
LOL yes he was thrusting! But like I said above, i was on the pill....the inaffective one!

I can't make him take responsibility unfortunately. I have learned so much in my experience with my daughters father. So when you say 'I wouldn't let him walk away', I get where you are coming from, but I can't make him stay either! Nor would I want him to!

Hi Unreg40. When I said I wouldn't let him walk away I meant from his financial responsibilities, not his emotional ones, because as you say yourself you can't force anyone to fulfill those and if you tried it would be sure to end in disaster.

I know all this the hard way because I had your experience myself, only the once, thanks be to God; and I also was on the pill at the time! It has a lot to answer for, that pill!

The way I see it, it takes two people to make a baby and I am heartily sick of the way the onus for responsibility is ALWAYS placed on the mother, as if only women were aware that sometimes contraception can fail. If a man is having sex with a woman and chooses to rely solely on HER contraception and not to cover his own mickey with a condom he is rolling the dice with an eighteen year maintenance payment - the sooner men get that through their heads the less single mothers there'll be.

LegacyUser

LOL......mickey....I haven't heard that word in years!!!! You've made me laugh alot seahorse, thanks!!!!!!!

LegacyUser

All the power lies in the mans hands OP, I feel your pain. You of course will be to blame no matter how much you were led up the garden path....

I am a 41 year old childless woman. Why childless?

Well, I dont know. You tell me. I was never that baby mad but thought they would happen some day but I didn't pressure the men, I reckoned they would let me know when the time was right. I'm still waiting (have had 3 long term relationships)

I find the reality to be many men just aren't all that interested in children. Even their own.
Thats my experience. We as woman don't listen to that because it doesn't fit the 'Happy family' template we are so familiar with from our childhoods. The idea was everyone meets a soul mate and then has a family, but this is not so....Why are little girls taught this?
They are already labouring under a misapprehension from the start thinking they are going to meet this evolved, enlightened man who will shoulder half the real parenting and passionately want kids. Of course men like that exist but they are not the majority.

The reality of men is most don't see kids as a priority, they see them as something that will complement their lives but really be in the womans domain. Some see them as a choice they can 'un-choose' even after the fact of their existance. Yes women come in all these flavours too, but in the vast majority of cases its women trying to reconcile the fantasy of what they were told men would be with the reality of what men really are. In my experience men are just not that interested in kids. We as women need to start listening to men on that one.

Then again some of them swear blind they want them, even go as far as planning them and subsequently the man changes his mind the woman hasn't got a leg to stand on. What are we supposed to do then? Due diligence can't mitigate for liars and users...

The implication will be that the woman tricked or pressured the bloke into it. Wheras the truth more often is the man baulked at the fence when the reality of an actual kid hit and re-writes history with himself a single childless man. What can women do? Nothing. Sweet F.A.

Thats why I would be fairly terrified of going down that road of conceiving......at the end of the day its the woman who gets left holding the baby. Thats what we need to know and men don't readily admit. They just don't care all that much about kids. We need to stop expecting them to, stop assuming. Stop telling little girls they will grow up meet Prince Charming and have babies. For our own sakes we need to cut the BS. We as women have to stop deluding ourselves.

The point is people don't always play fair. They dont always do right. They dont always take responsibility...why?

Because they dont HAVE to, yes they can be chased for maintenance but thats all. Many men see taking the actual parental responsibility as optional.

Its sh1t but its human nature. Its not noble or good but there it is.

Meanwhile the likes of me was a little girl 30 years ago getting told I better get ready to be a Mammy and learn this that and the other....what was all that about? Here I sit like a t1t with egg on my face....If I had a little girl I would be arming her with the reality: IF you are lucky you will meet someone who wants kids with you and you will be luckier still if he stays with you and is involved.

seahorse

Lol, I'm glad to hear it cause even though it's been sixteen years since I was in your shoes I remember quite well that I could have done with a laugh!

Riskymove

seahorse wrote: »

The way I see it, it takes two people to make a baby and I am heartily sick of the way the onus for responsibility is ALWAYS placed on the mother, as if only women were aware that sometimes contraception can fail. If a man is having sex with a woman and chooses to rely solely on HER contraception and not to cover his own mickey with a condom he is rolling the dice with an eighteen year maintenance payment - the sooner men get that through their heads the less single mothers there'll be.

oh come on....so the woman has no responsibility for allowing a man to have sex with her without a condom?

takes two to tango

seahorse

Riskymove wrote: »

oh come on....so the woman has no responsibility for allowing a man to have sex with her without a condom?

takes two to tango

You're missing my point. A woman has an equal share in the responsibility of having created the child, which is why it is so unfair that she is so commonly handed ALL the responsibility in raising it.

Riskymove

seahorse wrote: »

You're missing my point. A woman has an equal share in the responsibility of having created the child, which is why it is so unfair that she is so commonly handed ALL the responsibility in raising it.

that has little to do with the form of contraception which fails....which is what you were on about

I have no argument with your points about responsibility

miec

The way I see it, it takes two people to make a baby and I am heartily sick of the way the onus for responsibility is ALWAYS placed on the mother, as if only women were aware that sometimes contraception can fail. If a man is having sex with a woman and chooses to rely solely on HER contraception and not to cover his own mickey with a condom he is rolling the dice with an eighteen year maintenance payment - the sooner men get that through their heads the less single mothers there'll be.

+ 1 and here here.

so the woman has no responsibility for allowing a man to have sex with her without a condom? takes two to tango

Precisely, so why don't more men use them. It has not been emphasised enough with young men to be responsible for their fertility. The onus has largely been on women, you only have to see that the only contraceptive men can use is the condom whereas for women there is the pill, the coil, the cap, injections and implants. Nearly all of them involve some type of chemical that plays havoc with her body, and finally as Seahorse points out, a vast majority of men walk away from their parental obligations, although I am glad to say it is changing somewhat.

Sorry Op to slightly hijack the thread for the above point but I felt it was important. It sounds like to me that you are coping brilliantly, like you my ex-husband showed no interest in his child when I left him, he said he wanted children when in reality he didn't, it is a shame he was dishonest with himself and me, which may account for why your ex (your daughter's father) said yes to fatherhood and then walked away. It may be that the ex of your second child may walk away but when your child is born he may differ. I don't think a lot of men understand that a life is growing when you are pregnant, it just doesn't seem real to them because it is not happening to them whereas we can feel the effects of pregnancy. I suppose if you meet someone else I guess the only thing you can do is use double contraception, the pill + condom. Good luck with things and well done for being so strong.

LegacyUser

Wow All the Best. What a truly honest post. I don't think I have read anything so honest, I really don't.

You are so right.

The father of my first child and I planned our daughter. We even had the nursery painted. And then he came home from work one day and said 'Hey, I've changed my mind, I'm not that gone on the idea of having a kid. Could you get rid of it?' Or words to that effect.

He, as you so rightly put it, says I trapped him. I conned him into not using condoms. I told him I couldn't have children. I came off the pill in secret. These were the stories I heard back.

The reality is we attended our GP together and I was prescribed fertility tablets because we found it hard to conceive at the start. He reminded me daily to take my tablet because he wanted a baby 'so much'. Somehow, along his route in life, these parts of the story are forgotten.

Anyhow, that was a long time ago and ultimately, I hold no ill will against him. He cannot be a happy man, traipsing around this world knowing he has a daughter who lives 3 miles away and choosing to ignore her. He cannot have forgotten about her existance. He may be asked to answer some questions by her in the future, and he may also choose not to answer them. And I have no control over that.

Its like I said previously, all I can do is do the best that I can do for my child/ren. That's all any of us can do. Thanks again for your truly honest post, it was inspiring. Shame I didn't read something like that when I was a 10yr old girl waiting for my prince charming!!!!!

Hi Miec

If I meet someone else, I am getting sterlised...!!!!!!!!

seahorse

Riskymove wrote: »

that has little to do with the form of contraception which fails....which is what you were on about

I have no argument with your points about responsibility

My point was that we all have to take responsibility for our own contraception. If my partner was using the male contraceptive pill I'd still feel the need to be responsible for my own contraception also.

And on the point of contraception OP, I'd advise you to discuss with your doctor whether or not you'd be suited to the Mirena IUS. I got it after my child was born and have had it changed every five years since. The mirena is as effective as female sterilisation and that's just what you need when there are so many men out there ready to run for the hills.

Riskymove

seahorse wrote: »

My point was that we all have to take responsibility for our own contraception.

which is quite correct, unfortunately that is not what came across oruiginally

If my partner was using the male contraceptive pill I'd still feel the need to be responsible for my own contraception also.

grand, but my point was that not only should individuals take their own responsibility for contraception, they should also expect it of others and if a woman does not wish to become pregnant and wants to do as much as possible to prevent it they should insist on the double contraception...rather than just blame men for only relying on the pill

Pete4779

Unreg40 wrote: »

But I'm not sure how or why I have ended up with two children (well, 1 and a half lol!!), who's fathers do not want them?????
I believe I should take some responsibility in this in that people treat you the way you allow them to treat you. It appears that these two men have treated me like cra*p.

No they haven't treated you like crap. You are independent, financially secure, own your own home, etc., . You haven't wanted a partner in all that time as clearly you have strived to provide for yourself and the result is the life you have now - it is the product of how you have lived it. You have two children because you wanted children, but likely over the past 40 years did not want to be married and feel dependent on someone else.

Did either man do anything wrong? really? I don't see how.

You say "I have a good job, am intelligent, own my own home, am attractive and have a good sense of humour" - all great qualities in a man that you would read on a personal ad. But are those things that a man genuinely finds attractive in a woman? I don't particularly think so, except maybe intelligence.

magneticimpulse

I agree with all the above but to add something. You mentioned you told the story about how your ex husband did not hang around to be a father to your daughter to your ex boyfriend! You mention he said at the time he could never imagine doing something similar, yet he did.

I know its a topic which will come up in future relationships. But maybe dont be so honest about the in's and out's about why the ex husband/boyfriend left? Or negative about them leaving (it might hurt you, but dont let future partners see that). I dont know if thats possible? Maybe the stories about your ex husband leaving put idea's in your ex boyfriends head which would never have been there before?

Its difficult to know why they suddenly changed their minds and you will never know. Its strange as well, as you already were a mother and your ex boyfriend, would have been a somewhat father figure to your daughter already.

However I think the next person you meet will be one which wants to enjoy children and make a better father then the 2 of them put together so stop thinking about them leaving and start enjoying being pregnant and meeting someone new.

LegacyUser

I have to disagree with you magneticimpulse!

I 'told the story' to my boyfriend about my daughters father leaving. What was I supposed to say? I was single and had a 6yr old - the relationship developed and I told him why her dad wasn't around. The 'story' is that he didn't want to be a father. That's it. There was no 'feeling sorry for myself', I told him the facts! In any relationship, you have to bring a bit of your past into it. I told him my story the same way he told me his story about him and his ex wife splitting up - in fact his story was told many times to me, as he had many fights in court for custody. How can I brush over the facts? You say maybe don't be so honest in future relationships? What 'story' could I create? And why should I create a story at all?

And my boyfriend was not a father figure to my daughter at all. He hardly met her. Like I said, it was a 6 month relationship - the longest one I've had since I had my child - and I was cautious of letting them meet too son, so no, he was not a father figure to her.

Pete4779 - Why would you think I haven't wanted a partner while I was raising my 6yr old? I am independent because I have to be, not because I want to be! I work full time and have a child - its been almost impossible for me to meet men over the years. Time and money are factors, more than the fact that I havent wanted to meet anyone! Of course I wanted to meet someone! I am far from the single independent woman you think - I am independent and financially secure because I have had to be!!!! But I would like nothing more than to meet someone and share my life with him.

seahorse

Pete4779 wrote: »

No they haven't treated you like crap.

Yes they have. Wait till the day a woman drops the baby you both made outside your door in a basket and then come back here and say that.

Pete4779 wrote: »

You are independent, financially secure, own your own home, etc., . You haven't wanted a partner in all that time as clearly you have strived to provide for yourself and the result is the life you have now - it is the product of how you have lived it. You have two children because you wanted children, but likely over the past 40 years did not want to be married and feel dependent on someone else.

The woman was left with no choice but to get her act together financially as she was burdened with doing the job of both mother AND father. If she'd decided to be a stay-at-home mother existing on benefits and the fathers financial contribution she'd be labeled a scounger/layabout/gold-digger or whatever else it suited ignoramuses to call her. Women in this situation cannot win in the court of public opinion - That's why the court of public opinion can fukoff as far as I'm concerned.

Pete4779 wrote: »

Did either man do anything wrong? really? I don't see how.

They abandoned their own flesh and blood. How much more potent an example of 'wrong' do you want?

Pete4779 wrote: »

You say "I have a good job, am intelligent, own my own home, am attractive and have a good sense of humour" - all great qualities in a man that you would read on a personal ad. But are those things that a man genuinely finds attractive in a woman? I don't particularly think so, except maybe intelligence.

Since when have men stopped appreciating attractive women who don't have one eye on their wallets and who they can have a laugh with?

seahorse

Riskymove wrote: »

grand, but my point was that not only should individuals take their own responsibility for contraception, they should also expect it of others and if a woman does not wish to become pregnant and wants to do as much as possible to prevent it they should insist on the double contraception...rather than just blame men for only relying on the pill

I accept that as a reasonable opinion but I think if we are going to get into quantifying who is more to blame in a situation like this then it clearly is the person who didn't bother with any form of personal contraception at all.

LegacyUser

Look, there is NO blame in my situation anyway. And if I'm honest, I'm not interested in even blaming the pill. Yes, it was a shock when I got pregnant. No, I didn't want any more children, nor did my partner.
But I have decided to take responsibility for what has happened. This is my child and its not really relevant (to me anyhow), that my ex partner has decided not to be involved. Of course I would love both my children to be known and loved by their fathers. Of course I would. And should either of them ever knock at my door, I will do all I can to facilitate a relationship for my children.
And I have to agree seahorse - these men have treated me like crap. But they are treating their own children even worse!

seahorse

I think 'blame' is probably not the most accurate word I could have used Unreg40; 'responsibility' would have been more appropriate. My point was that when a child is created and one person has tried to control thier own fertility and the other has not I think the weight of responsibility is heavier in one direction than the other. That's just my opinion but I think the point Miec made earlier in the thread about young men needing to be taught to take more responsibility for their own fertility was very apt.

Anyway I'm glad you've decided to keep your baby and no doubt you'll be thrilled to bits when s/he arrives.

LegacyUser

First of congrats on the news, it came as a surprise but a new baby is the most exciting thing!!

I didn't read all the replies but just wanted to say well done, you seem to really have your head sorted out. As regards to the father of your unborn baby, how long has it been since he found out your pregnant? Seeing as you have only being seeing each other for 6 months it may just take him time to get his head round it. What age is he do you mind me asking? Hopefully once babs arrives he'll take more responsibility. They say men don't have a connection to the baby til they hold them in their arms whereas women feel that baby move around inside them, theres a connection there from the time they find out. Well there was for me anyway! Hope it all works out for you...How has he been towards you since he found out? Were you more casual or were you properly together?

Also wanted to say well done with doing it alone with your 6 year old. I understand how hard it can be. I hope I can get my act together the way you have. Sounds corny but your an inspiration to me, I hope that by then time my daughters 6 I have accomplished as much as you have

LegacyUser

Pete4779 wrote: »

No they haven't treated you like crap. You are independent, financially secure, own your own home, etc., . You haven't wanted a partner in all that time as clearly you have strived to provide for yourself and the result is the life you have now - it is the product of how you have lived it. You have two children because you wanted children, but likely over the past 40 years did not want to be married and feel dependent on someone else.

Did either man do anything wrong? really? I don't see how.

You say "I have a good job, am intelligent, own my own home, am attractive and have a good sense of humour" - all great qualities in a man that you would read on a personal ad. But are those things that a man genuinely finds attractive in a woman? I don't particularly think so, except maybe intelligence.

Did you actually read any of OPs posts? The first guy decided to have a child with her have a child with her after a long term relationship even went so far as going to the GP to get fertility drugs with her, then suddenly decided he didn't want a child and left her with all the responsibility of child care. Ignored his own child. Even had to go to court to assist them financially. Then went around spreading lies about her having trapped him! If anything he trapped her!

If you don't think that's dong anything wrong, then you have very different standards of right and wrong then I do!

OP, well done for being such a good parent and well done for not being bitter about what's happened to you. I would ignore some of the comments on her, I think some people have been quite harsh and assumed certain things about you and your situation.

I don't think not having a father will be as much an issue for your children as you might think. I was in the same situation as your daughters. My father left my mum pregnant and didn't have anything to do with me and I was fine. Like you, my mum was great, she was a supportive parent, she financially supported both of us, I couldn't have wanted anything else. When I was 19 my dad contacted me, if he hadn't I don't think I would have ever bothered with him. He simple wasn't part of my life and I wasn't any worse of for that. Now he's sorry for missing out on the chance to have me as a daughter but it was his choice and it's to late really for him ever to be a father to me.

Just carry on the way you are and do the best for your children.

LegacyUser

Thank you for your kind words! It is very difficult to raise a child alone, but I think time is the best 'healer'. Seriously, as your child gets older, it becomes easier. The early days are the most difficult (is your child young?) and there were times when I thought I'd never get thru the day. But they are like a blur now!

We were properly together for just over 6 months and although he hasn't treated me badly as such, he hasnt been in touch at all in over a month now. Knew about scan dates etc but didn't contact me. I used to hope that when my daughter was born, her dad was come around because I'm aware that its harder for men to accept pregnancy than women (even if you're married 10 years!). But he didn't so I'm trying not to be hopeful this time around - more pragmatic!

miec

Did either man do anything wrong? really? I don't see how.

They have abandoned their children and let the Op carry the burden of raising them alone. If you see nothing wrong with this type of behaviour then your moral compass is way of kilter.

You say "I have a good job, am intelligent, own my own home, am attractive and have a good sense of humour" - all great qualities in a man that you would read on a personal ad. But are those things that a man genuinely finds attractive in a woman? I don't particularly think so, except maybe intelligence.

Strange viewpoint, so you would prefer a woman to be completely dependent on you.

Op you are amazingly strong and got your stuff together, I hope someday that you will meet a lovely genuine man out there because there are some but maybe not yet but I hope it happens for you.