Ex hubby rejection.

LegacyUser

Feel so sick, so gutted and so angry, I seperated from hubby approx 6mths ago, I have two children with exhubby and have teenage child from previous relationship which he adopted, he made it clear at the time that he couldn't feel same for adopted child as he did his natural children but was adopting because he did care and also to give child equal status in the family, his name etc
Relationship was strained over years with step child mainly because he never made any effort for stepchild when we were together, (one of many contributing reasons to seperation) and now when he sees other children (much younger) from our marriage he either excludes stepchild altogether or is openly hostile. Don't know what to do, in my mind this deliberate omission is harming my teen to the point where I feel it's emotional neglect and abuse. I know i can't force him to do anything, but any advice on how to deal with this without loosing the plot....
Help Please!

star-pants

Don't know if it's an option if you and the ex husband aren't on good terms, but is there any way of having a chat with him? Explaining that your teen is feeling left out/neglected by him and perhaps they can do more together? or even if he took the teen on an extra few hours to spend quality time?
(i'm not sure what way your custody layout is so I'm only suggesting)

SheRa

If he's being openly hostile then i doubt he'd agree to the above post. Could you arrange for the teenage son not to be in the house when he calls over?

star-pants

SheRa wrote: »

If he's being openly hostile then i doubt he'd agree to the above post. Could you arrange for the teenage son not to be in the house when he calls over?

Whilst I agree he may not agree by the sounds of it - the only way to know is to try talking to him. Maybe find out the why he's rejecting the teen.
I think the teen would feel even more excluded if their mother was to ask them to leave the house when the dad was coming over to see all the children.

castle

More info needed on age of your child, you say he is a teen now is this 13 or 18,there is a difference.
If they did not get on when you where together then do you really expect them to get along now that you are separated.
You could have chat with ex make him feel guilty see the error of his ways but do you want to blackmail him or do you want him to be more of a father figure because he wants to be.
I think this could be the making of your son ,life is not fair as we all know and if he can except this and learn to live with it then he will be a stronger better man for it.
Your ex is your ex and really should never had become a so called real father to your son if it was only for rights etc.
If I was your son I would revert back to Mother's maiden name when older,you don't need a name to get equal rights as plain to see he is not equal is he is your ex's mind.
Best of luck

starchild

hi op, that is a horrible situation and in my opinion reflects pretty badly on your ex. I do understand he is not the biological father and he made his feelings clear at the outset but what i dont understand is why he went ahead with the adoption.

There are a myriad of problems that can occur here. The main ones i can see are

- your teenage son suffering from the alienation and reacting badly
- rivalries developing between your children as a result

Honestly i cant really offer any advice here other than reasoning with your ex and trying to appeal to his basic human nature which i am sure you have tried.

given that it is young children and teenagers involved i would suggest you perhaps try and meet with a professional counsellor or such that can advise you on the best course of action in dealing with all three kids.

good luck with this

kenbrady

I wouldn't bother with him. Instead focus on your own family unit. Make sure the eldest knows you love him as much as the other two. Build a strong bond between the children to prevent resentment. Not easy on you, but you have to put more work into the family and being a great parent. To make up for your exs selfish behavior. You're well rid of him.

ash23

I really feel for you OP. What a horrible position to be in.

When I was little my father used to take my siblings away on holidays but not me. My mum told me it was because I was too young (the youngest). I found out in my teens that it was actually because he didn't "want" me and doubted my paternity. That messed me up for a few years.

I have a child and was with someone for a number of years who isn't her biological father. We split over a year ago. He still sees her but there are issues there where the child is basically in competition with his girlfriend to the point of exclusion.
I can only do what I think is best and I have chosen honesty. Tactful honesty. I'm sure the teen already feels excluded and perhaps having those feelings acknowledged would be a good thing. Like if he thinks "dad" doesn't love him as much as siblings but everyone says he does, teen may feel confused and ignored. By actually saying you understand why he feels that way due to his fathers actions, it may actually help.
Teen isn't stupid and is fully aware of what is going on. Even my 7 year old says things about her dad that are so accurate they make me want to cry for her.
I do my best to be nuetral and to not bad mouth him but when he does something and the child says "dad only thinks of himself, not me" I just say something like "He does love love you but I can see why you feel that way because of what he's done. People don't always get everything right" or some such spiel.

Does the teen even want to be around dad? Have you asked him?

metrovelvet

Can you dissolve the adoption? Would you want to do that?

ash23

sunflower27 wrote: »

Really sorry to hear this OP. The poor child.

I agree with She-ra - keep the child away from him. I find this really hurtful and upsetting tbh. Obvious isolation can have serious issues on your adopted child down the line.

If he is openly hostile now I dont see that changing - I wouldnt bother reasoning with him either. He sounds incredibly cruel

I really think that the child should be asked what he wants.
He may resent the OP for keeping him from his "father" if he discovers it was her who stopped the access.
I genuinely believe that the best thing in a separation is to allow the other parent access until the child is old enough to draw their own conclusions. It happens surprisingly fast.
I know that as kids we all thought the sun shone out of my dads backside even though he was mean, an alcoholic and never gave my mother maintenance for us.
One by one we all came to realise what our mother had done for us and how little our father had. The rose tinted glasses came off and we all now tolerate him, just about.

But if I'd found out that my dad wanted to see me and my mother had prevented him, my outlook on the situation may have been very different.


The teen should be the one to decide if he does/doesn't want this man as his father. If he is too young then the mother should facilitate the access until the child is old enough to decide imo.

metrovelvet

I dont know. I think id rather have a child with a healthy ego who resented me than a child who was damaged from experiencing rejection over and over again. His bio dad doesnt want him either and now his adoptive father is sticking the knife in.

ash23

Child needs to have one parent it can trust and know that one parent is doing the best by the child. But child has the right to know both parents, for good or bad.

Mum can work on teens confidence, sort out counselling if need be, nuetralise the damage being done by adoptive dad. Resenting one parent and building the other up into a god only to have your hopes dashed leaves you with two parents who you feel let you down.
Letting child have access until child decides he's done with dad/until dad cops on, means child has been failed by one parent but can rely on other parent.

Thats the path I'm following. My mum did similar but without the openess and honesty side. I'm hoping that combining the two will give the best results. I'll get back to you in about 10 years and let you know. But so far, so good.

ash23

sunflower27 wrote: »

But this isnt his biological father. The man is not interested in him and made it clear from the start he wouldnt feel the same - and that was when the OP and he were together. No chance that will change now they have separated.

As someone who has a bad father (who I no longer have contact with) I can say, hand on heart, no father is better than a neglectful/bad one.

But the OP allowed this man to play a father role for many years.He is the father of this childs siblings. Biology isn't everything. My daughter never met her bio dad. My ex is the only father she has ever known and she cares little for DNA.

You are failing to see my point which is ASK THE TEEN what he wants to do. If he says he wants to see his "father" then the OP has to support him in that decision and neutralise any damage. If he chooses not to see him then the OP has to support him in that and neutralise any damage that not having a father figure in the childs life will do.
That is her job as a parent.
I don't agree that no father is better than a bad one. I do believe that a teenager should have some say in their own life and in whether they choose for a poor parent to be involved as opposed to be told they have to see the parent or they aren't allowed to see the parent.

This man adopted this child. He is his father legally.

metrovelvet

But even if he says he wants to see his dad, his dad has made it clear he is cutting ties. There is really nothing to facilitate except explanation to the eldest as to why he isnt getting xmas, birthday presents, etc and being split up from his siblings during access times. I think professional advice is needed. The other kids should be asked what they want too.

ash23

I'd agree on the professional advice.

My comments were only relevant if the dad does still take the teen along with his siblings or if the dad is calling to the house. If the teen doesn't want to go, or would prefer not to be around when the dad calls then he should be supported in that.

Personally if someone was calling to my house and being rude or cruel to my child I would prevent them from calling. If child has a cruel parent then one house should be a safe zone, haven from that.

If the dad is willing to take the child and child wants to go then it should be allowed. If dad won't take the child then the child has to be helped to deal with this and I'd say professional counselling would be best.

I would say child needs counselling anyway

Relationship was strained over years with step child mainly because he never made any effort for stepchild when we were together, (one of many contributing reasons to seperation)

Poor kid has been suffering with this for years regardless of split.

metrovelvet wrote:

The other kids should be asked what they want too

Op does not appear to have any issues with how the other children are being treated or their relationship with their father.

Lorrs33

Is the teen's real father not in the picture? If not, is there any way you could track him down?

star-pants

(btw the OP never said whether the teen was a boy or a girl)

I still think, hostile or not, the OP should at least try talking to the father. He's going to be in their lives for quite some time no matter what so they have to be able to try some civil talking between them in order to keep things as smooth as possible when dealing with the children.
If the teens stepfather says 'that childs not mine I don't want anything to do with it' then you know. Who knows the reason behind it? Why would he have adopted the teen if he really didn't want to? Not all step parents adopt their step children.
The mother cannot just exclude the teen (as the teen will see it as the mother keeping them apart and might resent it) without proper explanation. Just because the step fathers not the teens biological father, he's been there as a father figure, and went through adopting them, so there's going to be a connection and you can't just say 'he's not the bio father so he doesn't matter'. Plus we don't know the custody rights they have in place - she can't just withhold the teen if a court has ordered that the father get weekend access.

OP I really think you need to *try* and talk to the father - not to bully or blackmail them into being nice to your teen, but to find out why he's not bothered, and at least you can make a decision then. And have it said to your solicitors etc, so that noones accused of breaking the court orders (if you guys have any)

Taltos

With Star-Pants on this Op.

Another reason to talk as soon as you can and to come to some common understanding is the other children will be picking up on this and it may be only a matter of time before they too either pick on their bro/sis - or if you are lucky stand up to their dad and demand he cop himself on - neither of which you really want.

His motivations could be any of a number of things - and we can all guess at them - but only he can really tell you what is going on.
If he does turn around and say he wants nothing to do with this child then you need to swallow your hurt and anger and deal with this so that between you both the child is not hurt anymore than possible.

I am not sure of the wisdom of getting the biological father into the mix - at least for the moment things are already too messy and adding a 3rd adult (well hopefully they will behave like one) into it all is maybe not the wisest of choices.

Talk to your kid and see what they want.
Maybe even have this chat with the father there so he can see firsthand what his behaviour is doing to his kid. No matter what though - the critical thing here is getting your child to understand that this is NOT about them at all - it is all about their Dad not being the adult he is meant to be and not honouring his commitments. Definitely not a role model for the others.

So the issue is all FATHER - and NOT the child.

LegacyUser

Thanks to u all for ur wise words and advice, my teen is 17 siblings 5 and 8, I have asked him (son) what he wants and he has no interest in spending time with step dad. I also have him attending a counsellor for the last few months where he is doing brilliantly. Of course I know he feels hurt but I am doing everything I can to make sure he feels loved and very safe and secure in his home. And on the whole he is a very happy well adjusted young man.
To be honest ex not making any effort for his biological kids anymore either. Especially since the seperation, (has a new interest in his life) It is all v messy and sad as he started out as the best Dad in the world (one of the reasons I fell for him) and now is barely recognisable?? He is collecting kids today, so will mention it to him nicely although feel like only physical violence will appease me at this stage.But it's not about me.
Feel so guilty at choosing so badly for my kids. Will let ye know how it goes, thanks again....

Taltos

Sounds like your son has a good head on him.
Keep up the counselling though - but be clear to the ex that his behaviour is not acceptable in your house.

If he wants the other kids great - but he is not welcome in your home until he can be the adult he is meant to be.
This will send a clear message to him and to all the others that childish and selfish behaviour is not on.

Your other kids are quite young to understand all this but maybe ask the counsellor for some suggestions of how to let them know. They are bound to be picking up on it - and if you do something like the above it is critical they have some understanding why - otherwise any lies from daddy will be believed.

New interest - heard that one before

star-pants

Hey - don't feel bad - it's far from your fault!
My friend had a baby when she was 17, the father..well don't get me started. But she insisted that the father have access so as not to deprive her son of his father.
Father used this against her, using the child as a pawn at times.
And over time the son has begun to want to spend less time with his father because he sees how he is. He's lucky that the fathers family are good and he visits them a lot.

But she can't blame herself for the father not always being good, she's there 110% for her son -- just like you seem to be with your children.
You're only trying to do what's right by them, and you're putting your children first, rather than letting personal issues with you and the exhusband get in the way.

It's really hard (my aunt went through somethign similar where her ex husband only wanted to hang out with 2 of the 3 sons (all biological) ) but once you're there for them - they'll know it.
hopefully your ex will at least listen to your thoughts.

LegacyUser

Well he picked up the kids, and I had a quick word. I put it to him gently, (if I went too confrontational he'd start shouting and dig his heels in) I explained that excluding son is hurtful and harmful to him and not good for the other two. I asked him why he was doing it and he said that son has no interest in him !!!????? (So Childish)!! That son is only bored with him, which is true but only because he makes no effort. So I asked him to be more considerate and include him in the future, to whiche grunted yea and walked off. Don't forsee any changes ahead. After he left I spoke to son and said that he should not feel bad about not wanting to spend time with "father" and that in my opinion I think that father isn't making effort for son because he thinks that because he is older, he thinks son doesn't need him as much. I said that he isn't making much of an effoert for anyone anymore but we'll make the best of things. Was awful to see my son then well up and I know I am covering but I'm trying to make things easier for my son. Am fuming and heartbroken!!!!!!!!!

star-pants

I'm not saying your ex has any truth in what he says, but your son may feel some resentment or other feelings about the breakup, and might just be moody around his stepdad, and perhaps the stepdad who was never very close to him, has taken this as disinterest.
But at least your ex listened to you, begrudgingly or not, and he may make more of an effort. Obviously see if your son does want to spend time with his stepfather, if he doesn't then you can discuss that with your ex, and if he does want to try spending time then hopefully your ex will find a way to connect with him.
Remember your teen is older than the other children and will have seen the goings on and might have some dislike for your ex over the split too. But as he's getting councelling they'll be going through all that with him I'm sure.

You're doing your best for your family right now and your son knows this. It's hard to see him cry, I can only imagine, but it's good he can do that with you and trusts you.

Taltos

I'm just wondering - how much is really about the Father and the Son - and more about the Father and You?

I might be totally off here - but if he wants to hurt you then no better way.
When you do talk to him again about this - you have to stay as strong as possible - keep it all about the son - and if you feel upset - bottle it up until after he leaves.

Chances are I am totally wrong - really hope I am - just some folk are d1cks - and maybe I am just thinking a bit too much left field.

At 17 - your son is well on his way to being independent. With your support he will get past this - and in the long-run - your ex might come to regret this - how will he feel for example at your sons wedding sitting at one of the guest tables and not up there with the real family....

Just remember - whatever is really going on here - it is all to do with the ex. Nothing you do will force him to change his mind - but you might be able to appeal to his better nature once he is willing to listen.

hollis12

sadmammy wrote: »

Feel so sick, so gutted and so angry, I seperated from hubby approx 6mths ago, I have two children with exhubby and have teenage child from previous relationship which he adopted, he made it clear at the time that he couldn't feel same for adopted child as he did his natural children but was adopting because he did care and also to give child equal status in the family, his name etc
Relationship was strained over years with step child mainly because he never made any effort for stepchild when we were together, (one of many contributing reasons to seperation) and now when he sees other children (much younger) from our marriage he either excludes stepchild altogether or is openly hostile. Don't know what to do, in my mind this deliberate omission is harming my teen to the point where I feel it's emotional neglect and abuse. I know i can't force him to do anything, but any advice on how to deal with this without loosing the plot....
Help Please!

yes your right neglecting a child emotionally is abuse but its not your fault, he had no business adopting a child and not putting the effort in, and what do you mean by openly hostile, have a talk with your ex best of luck with it becuase its a tough siuation but your intelligent enough to realize that this is hurting your child.

if he doesnt respond maybe have a chat with your son and explain that it isnt his fault , whatever happens the worst thing would be for him to think that, better to think his step dad is a as&*hole than the child to think that something he did caused him not to be loved.

can i be frank

sad mammy wrote: »

Thanks to u all for ur wise words and advice, my teen is 17 siblings 5 and 8, I have asked him (son) what he wants and he has no interest in spending time with step dad. I also have him attending a counsellor for the last few months where he is doing brilliantly. Of course I know he feels hurt but I am doing everything I can to make sure he feels loved and very safe and secure in his home. And on the whole he is a very happy well adjusted young man.
To be honest ex not making any effort for his biological kids anymore either. Especially since the seperation, (has a new interest in his life) It is all v messy and sad as he started out as the best Dad in the world (one of the reasons I fell for him) and now is barely recognisable?? He is collecting kids today, so will mention it to him nicely although feel like only physical violence will appease me at this stage.But it's not about me.
Feel so guilty at choosing so badly for my kids. Will let ye know how it goes, thanks again....

op i have a c*nt dad who treated me like crap and the most important decision i ever made was to cut him out, i wasnt going to get the love/aproval from him that i needed and i only realized that in my mid twenties your son has realized that it seems at 17 he seems quite intelligent.

my mother stood by and watched my father neglect me and everything else he might have done and you are seeking help for your son let me tell you you are a brilliant mother by the sounds of things he will grow up to be a fine adult and thanks to you, you are/have done your part you had no way to see what your husband would be like.

hollis12

sad mammy wrote: »

Well he picked up the kids, and I had a quick word. I put it to him gently, (if I went too confrontational he'd start shouting and dig his heels in) I explained that excluding son is hurtful and harmful to him and not good for the other two. I asked him why he was doing it and he said that son has no interest in him !!!????? (So Childish)!! That son is only bored with him, which is true but only because he makes no effort. So I asked him to be more considerate and include him in the future, to whiche grunted yea and walked off. Don't forsee any changes ahead. After he left I spoke to son and said that he should not feel bad about not wanting to spend time with "father" and that in my opinion I think that father isn't making effort for son because he thinks that because he is older, he thinks son doesn't need him as much. I said that he isn't making much of an effoert for anyone anymore but we'll make the best of things. Was awful to see my son then well up and I know I am covering but I'm trying to make things easier for my son. Am fuming and heartbroken!!!!!!!!!

this might sound bad but i wouldnt cover for him because then the son will see it as its his own fault, he needs to know his step dad doesnt spend time with him because it is the step dad thats immature and basically a a&*hole

The Corinthian

sadmammy wrote: »

I have two children with exhubby and have teenage child from previous relationship which he adopted, he made it clear at the time that he couldn't feel same for adopted child as he did his natural children but was adopting because he did care and also to give child equal status in the family, his name etc

I find this all quite bizarre. I can understand if he could not feel the same for your son, but why on Earth did he adopt him then? Adoption is not simply about equal status in the family, it is a concious undertaking on the part of someone to be their parent, just as if they were a biological parent. If they cannot do that they should not adopt.

Even if he had not adopted him, there is no reason for him to cut ties with him altogether. We all have relatives that we don't much care for, but that does not mean that we close the door to them and blank them from our lives. This is especially so given that through adoption he made a commitment to that boy - it's not like he can claim that it was unintentional.

Worse still, it now drives a wedge between his children by you and your eldest. He's revoked the "equal status" in their eyes with his behaviour and this will harm their relationship with each other, harming even his one biological children as a result.

jimmycrackcorm

The Corinthian wrote: »

I find this all quite bizarre. I can understand if he could not feel the same for your son, but why on Earth did he adopt him then? Adoption is not simply about equal status in the family, it is a concious undertaking on the part of someone to be their parent, just as if they were a biological parent. If they cannot do that they should not adopt.

You're mistaking adoption by consequence of marriage with someone who has a child already with a couple making a choice to adopt a baby together as a family choice.

The op stated that the reason he adopted was to regularize the family situation which is understandable and he made it quite clear at the time that he could not feel the same for the teen.

It's unreasonable to expect the step-father to behave differently towards the teen now. And in fact there is probably a bit of two-way issue - is the op blinded to how the child would have been towards the guy during the marriage? i.e. it takes two to tango and the child may not have made any effort to accept the new step-dad either...

It's the op's problem not the step-dads. From his perspective he married a mother and child and now they are no longer married. People post critisizing him but where's the kids real father in this?

The Corinthian

jimmycrackcorm wrote: »

You're mistaking adoption by consequence of marriage with someone who has a child already with a couple making a choice to adopt a baby together as a family choice.

The op stated that the reason he adopted was to regularize the family situation which is understandable and he made it quite clear at the time that he could not feel the same for the teen.

I understand the stated reasons for the adoption, however step-parent adoption is not an automatic consequence of marriage and you still have to consciously choose to adopt the child.

This was my point; he made a commitment, separate to the marriage, and really cannot go back on it now.

It's unreasonable to expect the step-father to behave differently towards the teen now. And in fact there is probably a bit of two-way issue - is the op blinded to how the child would have been towards the guy during the marriage? i.e. it takes two to tango and the child may not have made any effort to accept the new step-dad either...

Possibly; we all have relatives we don't much like, however we don't blank them completely (we just avoid them as much as possible, but are civil the rest of the time). My reading of the OP's description is that he has gone the whole hog.

It's the op's problem not the step-dads. From his perspective he married a mother and child and now they are no longer married. People post critisizing him but where's the kids real father in this?

This is where I disagree. The marriage and adoption are actually, and legally, two different choices.

As to the biological father, he no longer exists, even in law. From the moment the child was adopted, all legal responsibilities and (the very few) rights he had were wiped away. He ceased to be his father as someone else took a concious choice to take that role.

That's the point of adoption, not to make things nice and tidy for a marriage. If you can't do that, you really should not adopt.

metrovelvet

jimmycrackcorm wrote: »

You're mistaking adoption by consequence of marriage with someone who has a child already with a couple making a choice to adopt a baby together as a family choice.

The op stated that the reason he adopted was to regularize the family situation which is understandable and he made it quite clear at the time that he could not feel the same for the teen.

It's unreasonable to expect the step-father to behave differently towards the teen now. And in fact there is probably a bit of two-way issue - is the op blinded to how the child would have been towards the guy during the marriage? i.e. it takes two to tango and the child may not have made any effort to accept the new step-dad either...

It's the op's problem not the step-dads. From his perspective he married a mother and child and now they are no longer married. People post critisizing him but where's the kids real father in this?

The bio dad is irrelevant. We shouldnt really be referring to the adoptive father as stepfather as legally he is his father full stop. So imo I would look at him like a man who chooses two of his children and rejects another. Lear.

LegacyUser

Hi guys/gals,

I really appreciate all the varied perspectives on our situation. Turns out ex is living with his new interest and has been since he left me and kids???, (my kids told me this eve when they returned). Have now realised that he is quite simply spineless and doesn't want anything or anyone cramping his style, I don't know if I should tell eldest the full truth at this stage as kids blurted out everything in front of him this afternoon, (they simply think she's a friend) If I do tell him I'll wait a bit till I get over the kick in the guts myself as not too strong at the moment. And guys /gals I understand the debate over the value and seriousness of the adoption but he has justified all his actions to himself already....Wasted enough breath over the years on that one.
Have one question though, i have asked him some time ago for the address so I know where the kids are staying when not with me? He refuses to give it...Am I being unreasonable in this request?

Thank you all so much for your input, who needs a therapist with such precious wisdom at my finger tips.

XXX

LegacyUser

Responses to some of ur points - Jimmycrackcorn
Can you even see the level of immaturity in ur comments?? I prob shouldn't even respond.

"it takes two to tango and the child may not have made any effort to accept the new step-dad either..."
Who is the grown up here??? U cannot expect a child to be the bigger person in a relationship???, and for your information he adopted son when he was 7 and son absolutely worships him, always has....

"It's the op's problem not the step-dads. From his perspective he married a mother and child and now they are no longer married. People post critisizing him but where's the kids real father in this?"

It is mine and my families problem, hence the post asking for advice, ex left me, not his kids...And the biological father is not the issue here, the care and well being of a young man and his relationship with his Dad is.......u need to cop on a bit.

star-pants

Wow... your ex WONT tell you the address of where your children are at?
you have a RIGHT to know exactly where they are - and he's BS'ing you by not telling you. You tell him he's not getting his children until you know where they're going to be, see if that changes his tune.

LegacyUser

Thanks for that, is only 2nd time he's taken them there, usually stays in his mams. I didn't know his intentions this weekend. His house is in different province, approx 80 miles from here.. Am going to do exactly as u suggest. Cheers!

star-pants

I don't know the exact legal standpoint - maybe someone else here does, so I don't want to say that you have a legal right, but I'd be nearly darn sure you would.
I remember my friend who has a son, the dad moved house and wouldn't give her the new address (they were never married) and I think she ended up going to her solicitor over it.

Whether it's legal or not - you have a right to know where your children are. What if something happened to either party? And you couldn't get through via phone, you'd have no address.
I don't mean you to go 'haha I'm not giving you your kids', but you've every right to know where your children are going to be staying overnight and I personally wouldn't feel comfortable in your position if I didn't know where they were.

metrovelvet

There is no way in hell you should not know where your kids are.

LegacyUser

Thanks again, will sort this, I think he didn't give me address incase I paid a visit!

Taltos

sad mammy wrote: »

Thanks again, will sort this, I think he didn't give me address incase I paid a visit!

Gawd - the ego of this guy...
As if you could be bothered....
If your kids were going to stay with a friend - you would ensure you had the number and the address - why does he think he is so special.

I am unsure of you though - but I would be uncomfortable with the kids staying with someone you had not met - though it does seem to be a bit raw there at the moment. I guess all you can do is see if they are upset or not when they return.

But I think in this case your 17 yr old might be better of staying out of it...
Also - they are very close to being an adult - might help them if you shared a bit more - don't overload them or lean on them too much - but at least be open in a non-judgemental way. And if your son does start reacting angrily - pull him up on it, not saying he will - but anger needs to be deflected as this guy is still his dad and you don't want the other 2 running off telling tales - you know kids....

Abi

I agree with Metrovelvet. If there is a way of dissolving this adoption, I would. The conditions in which he agreed to it would have sent some flags up with me.

What does your teenage son know about this? How aware is he that he was one of the reasons why the marraige split? I'm not so sure I'd want the ex-husband anywhere near him at this point, your son can see what is going on.

I think talking to your ex about this is pretty pointless, he wasn't even willing to accept your son even within the marraige. You need to be two parents to this boy right now, and keep talking to him. Theres no doubt he feels hurt by all this.