Loner looking for another loner

LegacyUser

I'm a bit of a loner. It's not immediately noticable, I'm sociable enough, I make an effort with people, and happy enough having a very small ring of people I call friends. I honestly prefer my own time, alone, doing my own thing.

I hate all the things most people like. I hate pubs, drinking, dancing, parties, money, material things, fashion, most television, being out. Being out is lost time for me, better spent at home in my own happier world, usually in silence, absorbed in my own thoughts, doing the things I enjoy.

I am a thinker. I am a reader. Over the past few years, I have become very interested in all kinds of philosophical things, like why we are here, how the world was formed, where it is heading, the purpose of things, the futility of 90% of what humans do. I often feel there are two completely seperate worlds, the world I and very few others inhabit, and the world 90% of everyone else inhabits.

I can contentedly go into a pub for half an hour and make small talk with people, but that is as much as I can stand. Talking about where Mick went last night, where Mary is going tomorrow, who Pat met today, families, sports, drink, shopping, the usual pub talk, bores me to tears. I hate it, and often I even get annoyed by the petty arguments people get into with each other over what I class as stupid and meaningless stuff. It's so much easier to spend time alone, away from all that.

The kind of relationship that would suit me is one with a girl who is not materialistic at all, who has no value on money. Probably someone with their own interests, where we don't live in each other's pockets, and who values the quiet life. I know there are such people around, but I can't seem to meet them. Every girl I meet, and they are lovely people, but they all like a large social circle, going out every weekend, meeting others, getting involved in things, and they are looking for somebody far more outgoing and interesting than I am. I can partake a bit in that, but as it's not the life I like, it's not fair to get involved with someone who likes that all the time. Yet it's very hard to meet the loners like me, the quiet, thoughtful people, who just want to meet that one special person, and don't want to take on their huge social circle too.

Is anyone else like that, and do they have problems meeting people?

Peggypeg

"I hate all the things most people like. I hate pubs, drinking, dancing, parties, money, material things, fashion, most television, being out. Being out is lost time for me, better spent at home in my own happier world, usually in silence, absorbed in my own thoughts, doing the things I enjoy.

I am a thinker. I am a reader. Over the past few years, I have become very interested in all kinds of philosophical things, like why we are here, how the world was formed, where it is heading, the purpose of things, the futility of 90% of what humans do. I often feel there are two completely seperate worlds, the world I and very few others inhabit, and the world 90% of everyone else inhabits."

Hey OP, I don't think you'll find a gf with an arrogant attitude like that, you think 90% of what humans do is futile? Do you not think sitting around on your own thinking quiet thoughts is a bit futile hmmm?

Do you actually want a relationship? If you like your own company why would you want a gf? What exactly would you do with your GF? Would you both sit together and think quietly to yourself? I really can't see what you would have to offer a girl, maybe you're better off on your own? It would be a very unhealthy relationship if all you two have is each other. Do you just want sex? If so you can get that without the relationship part to. I'm sorry I'm full of questions but I really don't understand what you are looking for because it certainly does not sound as if you are looking for a healthy mature partnership, it sounds more like you want someone to keep you company while you hide from the world, which again, would not be very healthy for the gf involved. No man is an island, maybe consider that for a while.

Obviously you're going to have problems meeting people if you hate all social activities and refuse to join in with anything. Your attitude comes across as quite condescending, as if you think you're above most people. A lot of people would like similar things to yourself and feel the way you do, but they're still able to function in social situations. It just takes a bit of effort and you're obviously not prepared to make that effort. Everyone inhabits the same world, I think you'll find you're far from alone with your 'philosophical thinking', but you can't expect to go to the pub and talk about the meaning of life. How do you know everyone else wants to go out all the time? I certainly don't, but you probably wouldn't guess that if you met me in the pub on a Friday night. What do YOU offer to the conversation? Do you ever make an effort or do you sit there looking bored and make it obvious you think you're above everyone else?

RossFixxxed

OP I think you need to look inwards first. What are you doing that's not part of this 90% stat that you have created? Is there that much use in reading ostensibly existentialist philosophy etc?

I'm not a huge drinker/pub goer, but I enjoy company of my friends...Why don't you?

What has you so wrapped up in all this misery and self obsession? Why don't you like anyone? Why so aloof?

LegacyUser

Because all my life I've had the same arrogant, vitriolic response from people around me when I go out, all through school, work, my entire life. People take one look at me and reject me. I don't know why, when I was younger, it affected me more than it does now. These three responses are doing exactly the same arrogant thing. Presuming that I must be an awful person without waiting to give me the benefit of the doubt. The small few people that saw through that became very good friends, the few I have. Most people are just arrogant and ignorant, like here. One look at me, and people either look away, don't answer me, or are deliberately rude to me. And before you say anything, I am a very open, honest and genuine person. I probably even overcompensate with the niceness to get that social opening. But instead it's always like the three responses here, a kind of turning of the back of the head and rejection, if not spoken antagonism.

Thanks you three, you've just reinforced my social seperation from everyone else. I TRY, I really do, but it seems I'll never be good enough for the likes of you 'normal' people. It must be lovely to be normal and accepted. There is a very fixed idea of what is normal in society, you have to fit in to a very specific set of ideals and interests, or you don't belong. I was rejected all my life, is it any wonder I keep away from you, and create a world for myself? People really need to open their minds to others, no matter how different. I open myself to anyone, but 90% of the time feel rejected. That is why I say 90% of what people do is futile, because I find 90% of pub chat is about pretending to be someone else, putting on a mask, and running scared of being truly honest and open with people. I can't stand people who won't be themselves, and who reject others who don't fit a very specific social norm. What is so correct about you that is so wrong with me? I am different, like different things, I try to engage with what others like, get rejected, so I don't bother any more. I'm not the arrogant one here.

Of course the guaranteed answer pops up in the first response, oh, you just want sex. To hell with you, what the hell do you know about what I want or don't want? Now I seem angry. Well if you went out, tried to integrate, were rejected completely out of hand, by people who presume to know what you want, or just don't care either way, what would you be? In the end it's not anger that wins out, it's sadness. Most people don't want to know, or seem to sell themselves out to fit the agreed social norm. I just want to meet someone I can be honest with, who will be honest with me, and who doesn't feel the need to follow the herd.

LegacyUser

I was you for my college degree years, sitting around judging everyone else for being human beings - this is speculation but you sound angry, you sound like maybe you don't have the confidence to get involved in social situations so you've developed your own "world" to compensate - that's what I did.

Look man, girls like outgoing confident men - I'll say it again - girls like outgoing confident MEN - not guys hiding from the world because you think you're above it all. I think you have some confidence issues, you really need to realise that getting out and involved in the "human world" is no big deal at all. This is the funny thing about real life right - people don't really care what you do but they'll judge you all the time too, it's like an oxymoron almost, the world is "harshly friendly". One thing that had me like you was fear of people making bad judgements about me, but when I realised that it's perfectly natural for even your best mates to have bad opinions about you but that those opinions really don't matter I was able to let go and join in on the fun. Another thing that used to bother me was I felt I was always in the background, again this is speculation but your descriptions are identical to my feelings back in college, the reason I was back there and unnoticed was because I had a fear of letting go and putting myself/my opinions out there, which just goes back to my first point, no-one really cares, people will disagree with you and may take the p*ss but that's the way it goes, you need to learn to shrug off things that bother you and move on - and it is possible, I got confidence, I'm dating an absolute stunner and life is great.

Nothing wrong with reading philosphy, I do a little too, but you sound like you may be taking it all to the extreme, you sound like your becoming very introvert and looking for answers (which is fine but just let go of it all too a little, life is not a book), it sounds a little like your trying to find a partner to fit into this world you have created for yourself but I'm telling you now my friend, girls don't dig that sh*t, if you find one that does I'd wager she stays around for a few months until she realises she's not too happy sitting around all day.

RossFixxxed

What the above poster said. If 'everyone' rejects you when they see you then maybe you look so narky, uninterested, aloof or arrogant that people don't want to know you. I've been there.

Nobody wants to talk to the guy huffing in the corner being mopey.

Kiera

Have you tried internet dating? You could put all this in your profile so girls who are the same will only contact you? Its worth a try at least.

Other than that, it would be hard to meet someone like yourself while out and about. Sorry i cant be of anymore help.

Best of luck

RossFixxxed

One last question: Is EVERYONE else wrong?

Sanjuro

Sorry, OP, but if that's your attitude in every day life, it's no wonder you're such an angry-sounding person with little good to say about the world. You come on here and harp on about the arrogance and ignorance of everybody you encounter in life, yet you're the one who comes across as elitist and arrogant. Maybe normal people (whatever you mean by that) enjoy unwinding in a pub, chatting about their lives, trivial though it may seem to you. Maybe not every conversation has to be a discection of life, philosophy and morality.

Try not pointing the finger at everyone else and start looking inward to fix the problems you think are wrong with the world. Drop the attitude. No matter how you try to come across, your attitude will come through one way or the other.

Wibbs

OK folks, lets keep this constructive and helpful to the OP. Much as many couldnt comprehend his way of looking at the world, the reverse is also true.

Danniboo

Hey Op,

Do you think that these what you describe as "normal" people that sit in pubs having a laugh talking about where they're going and making small talk don't have jobs that requires all their brain power during the day and maybe they might like some light conversation and a few drinks and a laugh in the evenings. The irony is jumping off the page here, you talk about being judged and all the rest yet you are judging 90% of people and more or less looking down your nose at them. There's plenty of articulate, intellectual human beings down the pub talking about booze and football, you can't be "ON" all of the time and spend your life in a cocoon over analysing the world. I've no doubt your an intelligent guy but you need to chill out before you have a break down. Have a Kit Kat.

By the way can you define "normal" for me.

LegacyUser

Most people are extroverts, you seem to be an introvert, theres nothing wrong in that contrary to what some may have you believe, in fact being an introvert has many advantages, but if you're denying yourself the opportunity to socialize out of bitterness or negative past experiences when in actuality you do want to go out you should examine this. As for a girlfriend, there are girls out there who like to discuss philosophy and so on with little patience for small talk. Personally I wouldn't change aspects of myself that I don't have a problem with, or which are subjective, like introversion. However in certain situations tact or common sense can take priority, ie there is no point being deliberately withdrawn in a social situation as it will make people think something is wrong with them, though there is a difference between being withdrawn (refusing to communicate) and being naturally quiet.

Denerick

I think there is a bit of groupthink going on here, ignoring what the OP is actually saying and assuming the worst. The OP sounds intelligent and sincere, albeit lacking in social skills (Which are pretty obvious and the cause of your own destruction IMO)

I personally like introverted, thoughtful people, and the OPs response came right out of leftfield. I wasn't expecting that.

He does no harm to anyone, he just feels the myopia of 21st century existance, a vain, judgemental and altogether exhausting social rat race. Fair play to him for deciding to remain aloof from it. If anyone is behaving like judgemental huffers here its everyone else. Sometimes everyone else is wrong.

Danniboo

Denerick wrote: »

I think there is a bit of groupthink going on here, ignoring what the OP is actually saying and assuming the worst. The OP sounds intelligent and sincere, albeit lacking in social skills (Which are pretty obvious and the cause of your own destruction IMO)

I personally like introverted, thoughtful people, and the OPs responce came right out of leftfield. I wasn't expecting that.

He does no harm to anyone, he just feels the myopia of 21st century existance, a vain, judgemental and altogether exhausting social rat race. Fair play to him for deciding to remain aloof from it. If anyone is behaving like judgemental huffers here its everyone else. Sometimes everone else is wrong.

I don't think people are ignoring the OP < Most people are just arrogant and ignorant, like here> It's statements like this that upset people. Yet the OP does not want to judge. Glass houses and all that.

Hrududu

I think the OP is entitled to feel what he wants and live his life the way he wants. It wouldnt be the way a lot of people would do it but what harm. Its not like he's hurting anyone.

My advice (and it crops up a lot here) would be to find a group or class where you could meet like minded people. Like a real world version of a college philosophical society or something.

RossFixxxed

This is the point, there is nothing wrong with being introverted, nothing wrong with not liking pubs, nothing wrong with reading, philosophy etc. That's all good. And it's always nice to have a partner who is similar.

However it is the very closed minded attitude and the belief that everyone else is wrong, and judging people for judging is a soapbox house of cards and glass really. Wibbs your point needs to be directed to HIM more so to be fair. I never claim to be a beacon of enlightenment, but I also don't believe comments about futility are helping him at all. He needs a bit of a wake up call. This reeks of depression and or other things, that he is part of some elite group that because they have slightly less mainstream interests are a whole different caste of people.

I know how much of a disaster I am, but I keep my mind open and I really do love to meet people and share interests not just close my mind down to anyone.

Hope that clears it up. Sometimes you gotta give someone a verbal slap!

Definitely take up a class or course in something you are interested in. However don't close your mind off to other things too! I have NO interest in football, but I'll go along with the lads for the atmosphere and the passion that's all around me...

Pocket Pillager

I think I understand to a point where you're coming from. I ask what peoples' weekends were like 90% of the time just out of politeness, not because I really care. I honestly think you would find your way a little easier in the world if you could stand to feed some of this b******t to people as it would soften their initial impression and stance towards you. People feed far too much into the "first impression" thing but it's what they're brought up and conditioned to believe. I often probably don't make a particularly good first impression either, because I don't wear my beliefs on my forehead and don't often get the opportunity to discuss them in a first conversation. Superficial things like someone being into fashion, X-Factor etc can easily be made obvious in a first impression.

So yeah, I think you should write a short synopsis of your beliefs, your values and the sort of person you're looking for (i.e., one who presumably holds similar beliefs) on an internet dating profile. That will be your first impression - presumably, the one I'm thinking you wish people would get.

Hope this helps!

LegacyUser

Notinterested wrote: »

What is so correct about you that is so wrong with me?

I could very well ask you the same question OP.

Anger, hatred, bitterness, excess negativity, etc, are generally not going to be very attractive traits to the vast majority of women. In fact, I don't think I've ever met a woman (or man for that matter), who found such things attractive in a potential partner, at least not when there's an excess of them.

With that in mind, you may need to address the anger issues before you enjoy much success in romantic endeavours.

Openness and honesty is great and all, but you'll likely find you need to add empathy, courtesy, and a few other bits and pieces in order to establish a relationship with someone.

Beyond that, yeah, I'm pretty sure there are folks out there who'd share similar interests and positions. Admittedly they're probably rare enough, but I've come across a few, sooner or later you'll find someone of the right sort. As others have suggested, online dating or clubs/activities would be a good bet to meet like-minded folks.

Peggypeg

Hey Sweetie,

I'm sorry but I didn't say you just want sex I asked if that's what you want. Nothing to be ashamed of by the way. However, look at your reaction to my question:

Of course the guaranteed answer pops up in the first response, oh, you just want sex. To hell with you, what the hell do you know about what I want or don't want?

I asked a simple question and look at how you responded. You really do come across as arrogant and elitist etc but maybe as you say you are kind and nice underneath. Have a think about it though sweetie, if the face you present to the world says to all "I'm better than you, I'm cleverer than you" why would anyone want to know you better or engage with you? How old are you I wonder?

I knew a guy once (about 44) that had the exact same outlook, everyone was a 'monkey' and an 'idiot', he lived in his tiny apartment and didn't have anyone he saw regularly, he was way too smart to sit in pubs etc and had better things to do. I was young when I knew him and thought he was the bees knees, it wasn't until a couple of years later that I found out he had huge mental problems and would sit in his house for a week at a time riddled with depression.

Sweetie I think the arrogance you display is a defence mechanism, and I understand why you do it even if you don't. You really could do with a little councelling or even read some self help books on confidence etc.

I think even if you do find a girl that fits into your little world you might not be lonely but you'd still be hurt and resentful and therefore continue to come across as arrogant, which will make people reject you more and so the cycle will continue. You need to break the cycle and get out there, surely not everything people do is beneath you? Maybe something high brow would make you more comfortable? Like a debating club or something along those lines.

Honestly sweetie try your hardest to be honest with yourself, that's the first step to changing the life your not happy with.

The people here really are trying to help you, by being honest with you.

The very best of luck to you OP and I honestly mean that, I really hope you find the courage to have a long hard look at yourself and get some help with the confidence.

Big Squishy HUGS.

Denerick

Why is the OP wrong? For judging 90% of the world? What is a world without judgement? The problem is that while he may judge 90% of others, he tends to lament their situation rather than get actively angry at them, like you lot seem to be doing with him. This is what seperates the judgementalism.

The fellow is not sociable, prefers his own company, likes to think, and doesn't want to impose himself on anyone else. Why is this so galling exactly?

LegacyUser

"Pretending to be someone else, putting on a mask, and running scared of being truly honest and open with people"

Scary…that's word for word how I felt and I'm telling you this from someone who was you ok, I'm not trying to put you down at all, but you are dead wrong about that belief.

I had it in my head that people were full of sh*t and exactly as you said pretending to be someone else, but it's just not the case at all. It's a really complicated thing to try to explain, I used to hear a friend say they thought someone was an a***ole but then meet them and be friendly, I used to always say "if you don't like them then practice what you preach", but you need to realise people are just as insecure and afraid of things as you are but they’ll let go of something that bothers them to just get on with life. Everyone second guesses themselves, everyone worries about how they come across in social situations, everyone sometimes has that contemplation after a night out wondering if they sounded like an idiot or if people liked them or not, I used to think I was the only one worrying about things like that but believe me everyone does it – everyone at some times feels they don’t fit in but make the best of it and try, that’s where they probably look like they are being someone else, but they are just trying to fit in and enjoy things as best they can.

I have given out about my GF to a friend but that doesn't mean I don't love her and tell her I do when I see her, just because she annoyed me one day doesn’t mean that it’s then, that’s my opinion written in stone now and I can never love her again…everyone hates something about everyone else, that's normal, everyone is flawed, I think you take things too rigidly and expect people to act like robots and that’s just never going to happen. “Society” is not a present thing that we just now exist in and I do not mean just present society, it’s universal society, it’s human nature from when we first emerged, people act differently in different situations, that’s just human nature, I spent 4 years expecting people to act like robots and practice what the preached, it’s never going to happen.

People "pretending to be someone else" is technically true but it's also technically false - to get philosophical about it people are not ONE person, there is no "self", everyone acts differently in different situations and I think you are misconstruing this as people deliberately being false about who they are – people being different is basically people being social and having social skills, I think because you have shut yourself away for so long you may be lacking in social skills and understand a little – I think you need to force yourself out into dday-time hobbies and activities so you’re not in pubs and clubs to get some social skills out.

You sound a little depressed, you're opinions are accurate that people do put on masks, but hey man, so are you when you say you try a little harder to make a better attempt at being friendly that's not being true about yourself now is it? Other people just have different strategies (or masks) for making friends and fitting in that I think you are seeing as them deliberately being false.

Peggypeg

Read his first post again, surely you can see why we would consider those views arrogant?

Kiera

Wow. Some of the replies on here are disgusting. So what if he's a loner? So what if he doesnt get on/like 90% of people? This is not what he is looking for help on.

He's a clever guy, if he needed help in that department i'm sure he would have asked for it. He did however ask for help meeting like minded people. I dont see where any of you get off having a go at someone for looking for help?

Denerick

Peggypeg wrote: »

Read his first post again, surely you can see why we would consider those views arrogant?

They are only arrogant because they are uncomfertable to you. I find your persecutory attitude to be rather arrogant, if I'm being honest. I fully agree with Kiera, I find the judgementalism here sickening.

Notinterested

Notinterested wrote: »

Because all my life I've had the same arrogant, vitriolic response from people around me when I go out, all through school, work, my entire life. People take one look at me and reject me. I don't know why, when I was younger, it affected me more than it does now. These three responses are doing exactly the same arrogant thing. Presuming that I must be an awful person without waiting to give me the benefit of the doubt. The small few people that saw through that became very good friends, the few I have. Most people are just arrogant and ignorant, like here. One look at me, and people either look away, don't answer me, or are deliberately rude to me. And before you say anything, I am a very open, honest and genuine person. I probably even overcompensate with the niceness to get that social opening. But instead it's always like the three responses here, a kind of turning of the back of the head and rejection, if not spoken antagonism.

You're not getting it. I understand everything you say. I used to be exactly like you as a teenager. I never 'got' anyone, I found most conversations boring and superficial, I felt like I was in my own world. But eventually I had to take a look at myself and how I was coming across to other people. You have quite an arrogant attitude and without a doubt, that is obvious to people. If you sit there in the corner not joining in or looking bored, you will make people uncomfortable and they won't want to be around you. Most people are not arrogant and ignorant for no reason. The common denominator here is YOU. Yes, there are some utter d!ckheads who are just rude, but in general, if you are friendly, approachable and have an interest in other people, you will be liked.

Thanks you three, you've just reinforced my social seperation from everyone else. I TRY, I really do, but it seems I'll never be good enough for the likes of you 'normal' people. It must be lovely to be normal and accepted. There is a very fixed idea of what is normal in society, you have to fit in to a very specific set of ideals and interests, or you don't belong. I was rejected all my life, is it any wonder I keep away from you, and create a world for myself?

Oh, stop the pity party. Again, I lived in my own world for most of my childhood and teens. I had a reading age of 16 when I was about 7, I started teaching myself other languages in primary school - basically felt like I had nothing in common with anyone. My teenage years were hell. But I realised I couldn't keep living like that. I realised most people have something to offer and not to judge people on first impressions. I started forcing myself to go out, forcing myself to talk to people, at first it felt like I was acting in a play but after a while it became totally natural.

People really need to open their minds to others, no matter how different. I open myself to anyone, but 90% of the time feel rejected. That is why I say 90% of what people do is futile, because I find 90% of pub chat is about pretending to be someone else, putting on a mask, and running scared of being truly honest and open with people. I can't stand people who won't be themselves, and who reject others who don't fit a very specific social norm. What is so correct about you that is so wrong with me? I am different, like different things, I try to engage with what others like, get rejected, so I don't bother any more. I'm not the arrogant one here.

You're complaining that people judge you but you are judging them constantly. The person in the pub talking about Eastenders might be doing a PhD in Philosophy for all you know. People have different sides - the ability to adapt to different situations is part of being human. I enjoy discussing Sartre but I also enjoy debating whether Salt & Vinegar Walkers are better than Cheese and Onion Taytos. There's a time and a place for all conversations. I'm back in college now and I meet all kinds of people. Nobody rejects anyone for being a bit wacky or different, once they're not acting arrogant or condescending. You seem to think 90% of people are the same - brainless extroverts who can only talk about football and the X Factor and who reject anyone not like them. That just isn't true.

jimmycrackcorm

OP, there are quite a few people about who are as you describe. However they are difficult to find because, like you, they shut themselves out of mainstream activities.

beks101

OP it sounds to me like you don't have much faith in people. Maybe you don't trust people.

Not everyone on the planet except the ten percent of 'loners' like yourself, likes to talk about 'where Mick went last night, where Mary is going tomorrow, who Pat met today' and other such trivia. Some people do, some people don't, some people do but not exclusively. It seems to me you're either 1. Meeting only the people that do, or 2. Not giving people a chance and making swift judgements about every individual you meet.

It's easy to be in your own company when you can't relate to those around you. I've been there. I too am a thinker, a reader, an introvert, but I've discovered in recent years that sometimes an outside perspective can be enlightening. Sometimes it is even essential, because sometimes you can overthink yourself into a hole and make yourself miserable. You can isolate yourself and become very lonely and depressed, and further your distrust in people.

You say you like reading, philosophy, someone who likes the quiet life...you're not going to meet this type of person in a pub or a night club. You're going to have to expand your horizons and really make an effort to find like-minded people and think along the lines of book clubs, philosophy forums, libraries, art galleries, hell maybe even hiking groups and coffee shops.

But most of all you're going to have to change your attitude to those around you. Being a 'loner' is not necessarily synonymous with being a hermit, or being unable to relate to or socialise with people. People are not black or white OP, but you're going to have to stop judging and open your mind a little before you discover that.

nyarlothothep

Denerick wrote: »

They are only arrogant because they are uncomfertable to you. I find your persecutory attitude to be rather arrogant, if I'm being honest. I fully agree with Kiera, I find the judgementalism here sickening.

Whats even more baffling is the fact that despite evidence to contrary that the op is arrogant, and the fact that its arrogant to dictate, in veiled terms, how one should "be" there is a steadfast refusal to understand the alternate perspective. Therefore it boils down to you must=this persona or else you're arrogant or an elitist. Judging the world is quite healthy, as long as you don't get negative/nihilistic about it, if more people did it we wouldn't have had nazi germany, the mc carthy trials, etc.

username123

OP - how you act to the world around you is what gets reflected back at you.

You see yourself being rejected, yet you are rejecting the the 90% of people who go to the pub and chat about what Mick and Mary are at.

Theres nothing wrong with being a deep thinker, a reader, not really into pubs etc.. Nothing at all. But in order to bring a bit of balance into your life you have to extend yourself a little too. If you go to a pub and are bored after 30 minutes - so what? Maybe if you stayed another 30 minutes the conversation would change and become interesting again? What about introducing topics YOU are interested in?

You seem very quick to pass judgement. I wouldnt have thought that MOST people like the pub, drinking, dancing, parties, money, material things, fashion, most television, being out - some people like some of those things, some like none of them, some simply tolerate some of them just because youve got to have a bit of give and take in life. There are some people who like all of the above, but its very judgemental to throw 'most' people into the category of 'this is all they like' - people have many facets, Im sure some of the people who do like those things like other things as well.

I think you need a bit of an attitude shift. You inhabit the same world as everyone else, your perceptions of it may differ, but its up to you to explore the world around you and see it differently. On the one hand you claim to have no interest in 90% of the world around you, on the other you claim that you have tried to integrate - why have you tried if youre not interested?

I think when someone says that EVERYONE has rejected them they need to turn their perception inwards, the common theme in the constant rejection is actually yourself. Maybe if you changed your attitude or behaviour you would find that how other people behave towards you changes as well?

LegacyUser

social isolation breeds arrogance and a 'know better' attitude. you see this in long term ill who can not go out. They are always right and anyone who disagrees with them is wrong. That is because being isolated all the time they are not exposed to other ways of looking at things or other points of view. All they know is their own world

santana75

Denerick wrote: »

They are only arrogant because they are uncomfertable to you. I find your persecutory attitude to be rather arrogant, if I'm being honest. I fully agree with Kiera, I find the judgementalism here sickening.

+1. Im pretty shocked at some of the responses here. Why is everybody so threatened by what this chap is saying? Why is everybody taking it so personally? He's looking for help, not for people to have a go at him behind the veil of "being helpful." Youre not being helpful, youre getting defensive.

hawkmoon269

Denerick wrote: »

I think there is a bit of groupthink going on here, ignoring what the OP is actually saying and assuming the worst. The OP sounds intelligent and sincere, albeit lacking in social skills (Which are pretty obvious and the cause of your own destruction IMO)

I personally like introverted, thoughtful people, and the OPs response came right out of leftfield. I wasn't expecting that.

He does no harm to anyone, he just feels the myopia of 21st century existance, a vain, judgemental and altogether exhausting social rat race. Fair play to him for deciding to remain aloof from it. If anyone is behaving like judgemental huffers here its everyone else. Sometimes everyone else is wrong.

Add me to those that were, quite honestly, stunned and shocked by the first few responses. Nietzsche's epithet about the bovine mediocrity of the herd springs to mind. I will give my own response to the OP later on when I put my thoughts together.

jimmycrackcorm

santana75 wrote: »

+1. Im pretty shocked at some of the responses here. Why is everybody so threatened by what this chap is saying? Why is everybody taking it so personally? He's looking for help, not for people to have a go at him behind the veil of "being helpful." Youre not being helpful, youre getting defensive.

The OP said that 90% of what I and 90% of the population is futile. Pretty arrogant I think too.

Denerick

jimmycrackcorm wrote: »

The OP said that 90% of what I and 90% of the population is futile. Pretty arrogant I think too.

Personally I think around 100% of the population is futile. And I include myself in that also. Am I wrong? The fact that he see's himself in an elite 10% grouping doesn't make much difference. We all tend to box ourselves away like this. Just take a run through your personality traits; do you not think that there are only around 10% of the population who might in any way resemble you?

And he's right about the idle chatter in the pub, even if he's being a bad sport about it. I'm usually the first to lament the most recent shannigans of Mary Stu when I've a couple of pints in me. I still think the whole process is a load of cock though.

Anyway, this is entirely irrelevant and its only intended to show you that we all judge the world all the time, often unconsciously. Big deal if the OP is arrogant. At least he keeps to himself and doesn't impose his arrogance on other people, like some people here have done (Telling him he 'doesn't live the right way and should completely change his personality/get counselling/lighten up) He didn't ask for a personality disorder diagnosis, he wanted advice on how to meet someone special. Even loners deserve to be in love. So get off your arrogant high horse and give the OP a break.

Kimia

hawkmoon269 wrote: »

Add me to those that were, quite honestly, stunned and shocked by the first few responses. Nietzsche's epithet about the bovine mediocrity of the herd springs to mind. I will give my own response to the OP later on when I put my thoughts together.

Well this entire thread is a real relevation. I don't agree with any of you! Both sides are attacking the other - the first '3 responses' were apparently mean and judgemental (and to be honest, I don't think they were, I think they were genuinely trying to help) and the others like the above are also mean and judgemental to the first 3 responses - bovine mediocrity of the herd my eye. You sound just as elitist as the responses you profess to be 'stunned and shocked' by.

What ever happened to embracing the individual? I absolutely love my wacky friends and the more different and interesting your view on the world the more I love hearing it. Who cares if the OP lives in his own little world - he obviously enjoys it there!

OP i do think though that both sides here have given you food for thought. I too love philosophy (have an undergrad in it) and have found myself loving solitude at times too, but I also think it's important to have some social outlet. I'm not sure it's realistic or healthy to be alone too much and I'm not sure how you would interact with another person in a relationship without having any social experience (if you continue to cut yourself off).

I think that a lot of people feel introverted - I don't agree with the response that said most people are extroverts. I think we are a little more complex than that. But OP there is something to be said for looking inward too to see if perhaps some of the ways people seem to react to you could be as a response to how you present yourself to people. For example, if someone assumed that you were ignorant because you didn't like to talk much you would be insulted? If you are to assume that 90% of the population are stupid and arrogant you are insulting people and as such they will reject you not surprisingly.

Embrace the fact that you love your own company - I think it's wonderful that you have a strong and developed sense of self worth. But don't assume that other people are not worthy of your company because if you give people a chance they may surprise you. Experience as much of life as you can and this includes interacting with other people - how would you know so much about philosophy if you did not meditate on other people's views before you? (e.g., Aristotle, Kant, Descartes, etc)

And also for what it's worth, I think a lot of people are trying to help you on here so it would be worth not assuming that they mean illwill. Best of luck.

Sorry

OP, it's understandable that people get defensive when you criticise their way of life/the general consensus. In my opinion, a lot of what you said is absolutely true. You need to get involved in activities that actually interest you. Find a club or society you find stimulating and join. Try to get into groups that provide you with more chance of meeting people of a similar mindframe.

booksale

OP, I was just talking about 'fitting in' with a friend yesterday. We both are actually a quiet type but then we learned how to talk, how to make other people feeling easier about ourselves. We joke... and then we totally forget we once learn how to behave 'properly'. We are cheerful most of the time, joyful... and no, we are not pretending.

Not until later, some crisis, or stress, or something... made us realised a part of us is missing and some part of us is still here...

I can really understand how you feel.

I guess, most of the people may have the same feelings sometimes in their lives, that's why literature, philosophy, relgion... are still here.

I guess even the most extrovent person would have a moment of that thoughts that you once have. But they don't usually let the thoughts stay.

As human, we are quite complicated.

I have no answers and I would still try to fit in, because well, um, I want to make life a bit easier for me and people surround me. I never expect there would be one person in the world can accept me and understand completely with passion. Most of the time, there are compromise. We are in a group.

I am sure there are people out there that suit you. Yeah, internet maybe a good place. I would reply your email if I read this profiile of yours. I think you maybe able to understand me. And internet world is a world of words which can carry deeper thoughts more easier than in real life pub chit chat.

But as a 'MODIFIED' version of loner, I would also be scared away if a new friend of mine shares with me all his pours all this thing to me at the very very beginning stage in real life. People do forget that they are also a loner.

Zascar

Op would you give internet dating a try? I think if you wrote a profile like what you wrote above, but focused more on the positives, you might find girls with similar viewpoints. I'm sure there are girls that do just like the quiet life but maybe do the normal thing just to fit in etc. Might be worth a try, I'm not saying there are going to be loads, but you only need to find one.

Liam Byrne

My main concern would be the OP's focus on the differences, to the point where he/she isn't even remotely cognisant of the possibility of any similarities.

Yes, I can see similarities between myself and the OP, if there's a conversation about so-called "celebs", or the latest Big Brother or X-factor stuff, or an obsession with trivialities and pointless waffle, or irrelevant tabloid gossip and sensationalism instead of news or discussion, or the horrible obsession with commercialism and looking successful and rich.

All that can get on my wick, but I'll tune out of the conversation for a bit, or go to the loo, or whatever....I might slag off the conversation, but I won't get too in-their-face about it because if I did I'd miss out on any other conversations and companionship that said-same friends were having.

Likewise, many friends of mine have now settled down with kids, and those kids form a large part of their conversations and news.......I hang in there through those (some stories are great to hear, others are typical parents' trivialities) because the remainder is worthwhile and part of being a friend to anyone is listening to their news.

So instead of focusing on the differences, check to see if there are any similarities.

santana75

santana75 wrote: »

+1. Im pretty shocked at some of the responses here. Why is everybody so threatened by what this chap is saying? Why is everybody taking it so personally? He's looking for help, not for people to have a go at him behind the veil of "being helpful." Youre not being helpful, youre getting defensive.

Perhaps people do see themselves in the OP. It would be one thing if he were happy being isolated, but he isn't. He's asking for advice about finding a girlfriend - he's not going to find one shut in his room. Nobody is saying he should take the plunge and start going clubbing every night, but I strongly believe that all humans need some level of social interaction. It is not healthy to spend all your time alone. He has said he's tried doing the pub thing but it doesn't look to me as if he's given it much of a chance at all. I think he is missing out on a lot of potential friends and romances by writing off 90% of the population as vacuous idiots with nothing to say. I think a person's world view largely depends on how they see themselves and how they feel in themselves. He sees himself as a loner and an introvert, he acts like one and people treat him like one. As I said, some people are just rude and mean but there is no way that 90% of people are nasty towards the OP for no reason. There is no way that 90% of people reject anyone who isn't just like them. It just isn't true. I'm quite the misanthrope myself sometimes, but I do realise that when everyone seems to have a problem with you, the problem is likely to be YOU. Sometimes the best advice is the hardest to take. We could all say 'OP, we understand, you're different and special and you see things differently to other people, you shouldn't change just to conform to society's norms and expectations', but how is that helping in any way?

tommmy1979

Denerick wrote: »

I think there is a bit of groupthink going on here, ignoring what the OP is actually saying and assuming the worst. The OP sounds intelligent and sincere, albeit lacking in social skills (Which are pretty obvious and the cause of your own destruction IMO)

I personally like introverted, thoughtful people, and the OPs response came right out of leftfield. I wasn't expecting that.

He does no harm to anyone, he just feels the myopia of 21st century existance, a vain, judgemental and altogether exhausting social rat race. Fair play to him for deciding to remain aloof from it. If anyone is behaving like judgemental huffers here its everyone else. Sometimes everyone else is wrong.

Ya but... we're here for a good time not a long time.

Denerick

tommmy1979 wrote: »

Ya but... we're here for a good time not a long time.

Who gave you the idea that we're here for a good time? Its reckless thinking like that which has created an unequal world. Clearly, logically, rationally, not everybody can have a good time all at once. Some people have to clean the sewers. Some have to inherit fabulous wealth. Try telling the toilet cleaner to lighten up when he's busy taking care of the rich heiress' **** for the minimum wage.

lynsalot

I have to say I'm a little alarmed by the responses the op has received here.
Of course it's natural for ppl to be defensive but the fact that the OP has posted in personal issues forum means he's looking for support.

I would strongly recommend joining societies or clubs you're interested in. Perhaps a philosophy club to meet ppl with the same interests.

I'm sorry OP that you're finding it hard to meet ppl. Most ppl find the initial meet n greet daunting and it's easier to find common ground by talking about the generic x factor/ nights out banter. Of course the more approachable someone seems the easier it is for them to be approached

I hope you'll listen to some of the helpful responses u've received. Let us know what u think and if you will take them on board

All the best
Lindsay

Denerick

Denerick wrote: »

Who gave you the idea that we're here for a good time? Its reckless thinking like that which has created an unequal world. Clearly, logically, rationally, not everybody can have a good time all at once. Some people have to clean the sewers. Some have to inherit fabulous wealth. Try telling the toilet cleaner to lighten up when he's busy taking care of the rich heiress' **** for the minimum wage.

What one earth are you talking about? Someone's position in the world doesn't dictate how happy or miserable they are. Plenty of people have a happy and fulfilling life doing minimum wage jobs. You might think someone saying 'we're here for a good time' sounds flippant and shallow, but isn't it the truth? Who wants to waste their life away worrying and thinking and complaining? Life IS short, it's not a dress rehearsal. There's nothing silly or reckless about thinking people should make the best of their situation.

LegacyUser

OP, don't think that you are unusual in being naturally introverted. In my experience, true extroverts are far less common than introverts. Being inward looking and inhibited in social situations is easy; most people you see in college, niteclubs etc. who appear confident and outgoing are exerting an effort to be like this.

Also, that philosophy stuff you're reading...I'd stop if I was you! You might think that we humans should be able to think about and answer the big philosophical questions but seriously, our brains didn't evolve in an enviroment where there was a need to ponder deeply and constantly about the state of humanity, nihilism, existentialism and so on. When I left school I found myself reading books on evolution, philosophy, psychology and believe me, I wish I never did. I don't agree with those that say all philosophy is liberating; alot of it dampens a persons ability to enjoy life as we humans were meant to enjoy it....raw sensations of love, happiness, anger, hope.....not an objective understanding of neuroscience and the non-existence of free-will.

Man, you're young. Put down the books and enjoy life!!!

Nadaur

Peggypeg wrote: »

Hey Sweetie,

I'm sorry but I didn't say you just want sex I asked if that's what you want. Nothing to be ashamed of by the way. However, look at your reaction to my question:

Of course the guaranteed answer pops up in the first response, oh, you just want sex. To hell with you, what the hell do you know about what I want or don't want?

I asked a simple question and look at how you responded. You really do come across as arrogant and elitist etc but maybe as you say you are kind and nice underneath. Have a think about it though sweetie, if the face you present to the world says to all "I'm better than you, I'm cleverer than you" why would anyone want to know you better or engage with you? How old are you I wonder?

I knew a guy once (about 44) that had the exact same outlook, everyone was a 'monkey' and an 'idiot', he lived in his tiny apartment and didn't have anyone he saw regularly, he was way too smart to sit in pubs etc and had better things to do. I was young when I knew him and thought he was the bees knees, it wasn't until a couple of years later that I found out he had huge mental problems and would sit in his house for a week at a time riddled with depression.

Sweetie I think the arrogance you display is a defence mechanism, and I understand why you do it even if you don't. You really could do with a little councelling or even read some self help books on confidence etc.

I think even if you do find a girl that fits into your little world you might not be lonely but you'd still be hurt and resentful and therefore continue to come across as arrogant, which will make people reject you more and so the cycle will continue. You need to break the cycle and get out there, surely not everything people do is beneath you? Maybe something high brow would make you more comfortable? Like a debating club or something along those lines.

Honestly sweetie try your hardest to be honest with yourself, that's the first step to changing the life your not happy with.

The people here really are trying to help you, by being honest with you.

The very best of luck to you OP and I honestly mean that, I really hope you find the courage to have a long hard look at yourself and get some help with the confidence.

Big Squishy HUGS.

OP,
as a 35 yr old man who has worn through those boots your wearing....listen to the lady above....she's a well of wisdom and I'd suggest you drink deep.
good luck with it.........as Hendrix sang 'Lonliness is such a drag'
Nadaur

Denerick

rtyuiop wrote: »

OP, don't think that you are unusual in being naturally introverted. In my experience, true extroverts are far less common than introverts. Being inward looking and inhibited in social situations is easy; most people you see in college, niteclubs etc. who appear confident and outgoing are exerting an effort to be like this.

Also, that philosophy stuff you're reading...I'd stop if I was you! You might think that we humans should be able to think about and answer the big philosophical questions but seriously, our brains didn't evolve in an enviroment where there was a need to ponder deeply and constantly about the state of humanity, nihilism, existentialism and so on. When I left school I found myself reading books on evolution, philosophy, psychology and believe me, I wish I never did. I don't agree with those that say all philosophy is liberating; alot of it dampens a persons ability to enjoy life as we humans were meant to enjoy it....raw sensations of love, happiness, anger, hope.....not an objective understanding of neuroscience and the non-existence of free-will.

Man, you're young. Put down the books and enjoy life!!!

:rolleyes:

OP, DON'T take that advice. That is by far the most absurd thing I've ever read on boards.ie.

Virginia Woolf (One of the greatest writers of the 20th century, and I'm not alone in that opinion) was so weighed down by her demons after a life of crippling introspection, filled her coat with stones and threw herself off a cliff. Sylvia Plath put her head in an oven, and this wasn't her first suicide attempt. Hunter S.Thompson, the man who gave us the memorable 'Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas', shot himself. Kurt Cobain shot himself. A lot of extremely intelligent and insightful people have killed themselves. But this doesn't mean that high levels of intelligence are naturally related to depression or other dystopian traits.

I for one would rather know the truth and be unhappy than live blissfully in ignorance.

OP, you are your own person, do whatever you think is right. But this idea that people should stop thinking about themselves and the universe, if it were actually followed through, is so adverse to human curiosity that it verges on the most hysterical kind of philistinism.

We wouldn't be using the internet, at the very least.

Denerick

[quote=[Deleted User];63816209]What one earth are you talking about? Someone's position in the world doesn't dictate how happy or miserable they are. Plenty of people have a happy and fulfilling life doing minimum wage jobs. You might think someone saying 'we're here for a good time' sounds flippant and shallow, but isn't it the truth? Who wants to waste their life away worrying and thinking and complaining? Life IS short, it's not a dress rehearsal. There's nothing silly or reckless about thinking people should make the best of their situation.[/quote]

Admittedly you are right, and that was a rather silly point for me to make.

nyarlothothep

Denerick wrote: »

Admittedly you are right, and that was a rather silly point for me to make.

Actually you make a good point. Circumstances have a huge influence on how happy an individual is, to disregard the effect of the environment someone lives in pertaining to happiness is illogical. The likelihood is that people born into poverty or forced to take minimum wage jobs will be more unhappy on average than those who don't. What I think you suggest though is that making the best out of a situation isn't always the best option long term as this can lead into an acceptance of circumstances which can be changed. Making the best out of ones situation as a peasant prior to the french revolution instead of revolting for example. But I think there is a danger in glamorizing cynicism about the human race. Its so easy but it only yields circular answers in my experience. Socializing isn't a bad thing, the op just needs to find his niche methinks.

OP, I understand absolutely everything you said in your original post. Trust me, you're not alone.