What's a deal breaker in a relationship?

MAB83

What would be a deal breaker in a relationship if you're going out for a while and everything is going great and they drop a bombshell that makes you doubt your future?

I don't judge people on their past (God knows that would be the pot calling the kettle black anyway!) or anything like that so if I found out something about her past I think I could within reason move on from it.


I think my dealbreaker would be if she didn't want to have children, that would be huge for me as I want kids. If she has doubts about it fair enough, a lot of people do but a definite "No way will I ever have children" then I think I would have to rethink what we had.

What would be your dealbreaker a year or two in to a relationship? I'm not talking about the early days where she doesn't like one of your friends or you don't like the same music or whatever, I'm talking about a year or two in to it where you think you know everything about eachother and they drop a bombshell on you that makes you doubt what you have?

Wibbs

Funny I would be the opposite to you about kids.:) Longish term emotional or physical cheating with another. A one off I could work on. A major drop in sexual activity especially if she wouldnt discuss it. From her past, nothing I can think of, except maybe if she had a child in the past and took two years to tell me.

MAB83

Oh I should have said cheating too, that goes without saying sorry

MizzLolly

Yup cheating!

Elba101

O god, all this relationship talk is making me think i did the wrong thing....


But cheating, yeah. Don't know if i could forgive that!

Sephiroth_dude

+1 on the cheating and clingy/needyness.

minidazzler

As a whole at this age, I don't think cheating would bother me. I would prefer an open relationship kinda stuff.

But a girl who hit me (outside of sexytime, where it would likely be welcome) for no good reason would be out the door faster than she can reach back for a second slap.

RxQueen

+1 on cheating

also people not bothering to put an effort in.. wrecks my head

sam34

wanting kids would be a dealbreaker for me, i am never gonna have kids.

violence or threats of violence or other intimidation

manipulation and emotional blackmail

krudler

Cheating, anyone who does drugs,anyone who is possesive or needy, anyone with ex boyfriend/s still in the picture or with baggage from a previous relationship, no thanks, no time for it

WesternNight

Emotional or physical cheating.

Abuse of any kind - physical, emotional, verbal.

Lying about (reasonably serious) stuff.

Consistently doing/saying things to put me down/humiliate/mock etc in private or in public.


There are more that would make me question things, but most other things could probably be worked out.

beks101

Cheating, violence, manipulation and all the rest...also, if he started smoking and refused to quit!

I just can't go near a smoker, it's such a turn-off to me it's unbelievable.

pikachucheeks

Cheating is a deal breaker, as everyone has said.
If you're in a relationship, you're committed to the other person and should be faithful.

Aside from that, it would be a deal breaker if someone made no effort with my family and friends.
My thinking is, if someone really cares about me, they'll want to get to know the other important people in my life and make an effort to be nice to them.
If they didn't bother, it would just strike me as quite disrespectful and rude, to be honest.

Drugs are also a big deal breaker for me. It's not my scene, I've never touched them and I wouldn't want to be in a relationship with someone who used them.

If someone was closed minded and stubborn, that would be a deal breaker as well. Someone who couldn't listen to or fathom accepting another person's opinion and always had to be "right".
I'd also never date someone who was racist or homophobic. I really dislike that sort of ignorance.

sam34

beks101 wrote: »

I just can't go near a smoker, it's such a turn-off to me it's unbelievable.

oh yeah, i forgot to mention smoking.

absolute deal breaker for me.

if george clooney was in front of me, begging me to kiss him, and he was a smoker, i would have to decline.

WesternNight

sam34 wrote: »

oh yeah, i forgot to mention smoking.

absolute deal breaker for me.

if george clooney was in front of me, begging me to kiss him, and he was a smoker, i would have to decline.

Forgot about smoking also, but I'd be exactly the same as you!

Madame Razz

WesternNight wrote: »

Emotional or physical cheating.

Abuse of any kind - physical, emotional, verbal.

Lying about (reasonably serious) stuff.

Consistently doing/saying things to put me down/humiliate/mock etc in private or in public.

+1

Also constant meanness/stinginess and utter selfishness; both traits are inherent in a person and I don't think that they can ever be worked upon/thru.

Wibbs

Forgot a sudden attack of Irish Mammy tm syndrome. Pretty much instant game over that one.

Snowie

cheeting
emotional black mail
really opinionated.
i dunno really i try to concintrate on the positives

Snowie

Wibbs wrote: »

Forgot a sudden attack of Irish Mammy tm syndrome. Pretty much instant game over that one.

as in the hole cold shoulder one word answer type thing ?

shellyboo

Smoking, definitely. Passive-aggressive behaviour - that drives me absolutely mental! And definitely a decline in or lack of sexytimes. A good sex life and good communication are my two basic requirements for a viable relationship.

Wibbs

More the control freak, we only have sex on high days and holy days and my word is lawism.

Snowie

That sounds positively depressing.
I think i rather become a unique then put up with that :eek:

MJOR

i think that unfaithfulness and lies would be the end

Boston

Anyone who treats a relationship like a game they have to win.

CathyMoran

Anyone who was into illegal drugs, smokers, tight with money without a valid reason, any volence.

Creamy Goodness

being lied to.
being asked to lie.

NewFrockTuesday

Stingyness. I cant bear it. Its the most unattractive trait in a person. Also, if I got even a hint of that person mirroring their insecurities onto me or not having the emotional maturity to discuss what was bothering them so giving the silent treatment purely because they know it hurts, Id be out of there like a shot.

Smokers without a doubt - esp 30 and over. Time to knock that crap on the head buddy.

metaoblivia

Violence, drug use or excessive alcohol use, cheating, smoking, emotional blackmail, any hint of controlling behavior and I'm out the door.

Wibbs

Boston wrote: »

Anyone who treats a relationship like a game they have to win.

Actually... What he said. Sums it up perfectly for either gender and covers the lions share of the bases IMHO. Well sums it up for me anyway.

G86

Habitual use of any kind of banned drug, be it hash or coke, would be a deal breaker for me and has been twice in the past.

Boston

Wibbs wrote: »

Actually... What he said. Sums it up perfectly for either gender and covers the lions share of the bases IMHO. Well sums it up for me anyway.

Things such as being a smoker, drug user, tight bastard and/or mammy's boy/girl you generally discover in advance of getting into a relationship with someone. On the other hand, the power plays, the using of sex as a bargaining tool, the breaking of promises to see what way you'll jump, the arguing over nonsense not because its important but so that you'll know who the boss is / who the winner is; this is the stuff you tend to only find out once the relationship starts and hence fits the criteria of deal breaker.

Silverfish

Reminds me of a conversation one night in a pub, my mum was talking to someone who was telling her how he was 'The boss' in his house, and his wife did what she was told, and how she wouldn't dare question him on anything.
My mum was looking unhappy with his guff, so he asked 'So, who's the boss in your house?'

"Oh no, we're not like that" she replied, "Ours is a marriage."

Boston

Silverfish wrote: »

"Oh no, we're not like that" she replied, "Ours is a marriage."

Legend.

Mackleton

Smoking - it's amazing, no matter how much I like I guy, I see him with a cigarette or someone mentions he smokes, and BAM, all interest dies, it's like being told he's gay :rolleyes:

Cheating - don't give second chances
Lying consistently
Drug use
Alcohol abuse
Not putting in any effort
Playing head games
Too clingy (constant texting/calling)
Stinginess - absolutely so unattractive
Picking silly arguments all the time - I'm a chilled person, life's too short and I haven't the energy for that.

God, sounds like a shopping list :P

Wibbs

Silverfish wrote: »

"Oh no, we're not like that" she replied, "Ours is a marriage."

That's someone I could marry, just to be able to say that. And I don't believe in marriage. I know of only two couples who have cut the cake so to speak and three who haven't and "live in sin" that would come back with similar.

It's all about the equal. That depends on the people involved of course. Equal, like art is in the eye of the beholder. But when that works.... Then it's a proper relationship.

Novella

I think it's impossible to say what a deal breaker is until you are actually in the situation.

I always said I'd never date a smoker. I did.

I always said I'd never take back a guy who cheated on me. I did.

It's very easy to say, "Such and such is not something I am willing to accept", but I think sometimes, the whole concept of love is based on accepting or not even noticing another persons flaws.

Will

I agree with Novella there about not knowing until you are in the situation, however;

Smoking.
Cheating.
Not saying sorry. If it's not your fault, cool. Manners go a long long way.

Nervous Wreck

Not getting me.

jenny2hat

Cheating or lying about something huge.

Jwacqui

For me there are a few things I don't lie for example smokers and cheaters but like Novella said unless you are in the situation it's hard to say. I have gone out with smokers and learnt to get over it. Sometimes those things just don't matter in the end as much as you thought they did.

A few things though that are dealbreakers;
Drug use
Didn't want children
Compulsive lying
Making no effort with family/friends
Tight with money for no reason
Didn't match my sex drive
Violence
Controlling behaviour
Most importantly like Nervous Wreck said if somebody didn't get me.

Malari

Prior to being in a relationship I had a lot more than now, but I know that my boyfriend is not suddenly going to take up smoking after 40 years!

Other than that, dealbreakers would be:

1. Suddenly wanting kids
2. Getting religious
3. Cheating

I could even get past something dreadful like murder, depending on the circumstances (yes, I was watching House last night ).

hinault

Serious question : would a persons past be a dealbreaker?

Reason I ask is that a very close friend of mine is in a relationaship with a girl.
The girl got busted for drinkdriving a few months ago and her court appearance is due next week.
She will plead guilty.

OK : people make a mistake.


Except : last week she told him that she had served time for................manslaughter 14 years ago.

The reason my friend only found out about this was because it will be read out in court at the drinkdriving hearing (past convictions are always entered in to the court record).

My friend is very very happy in this relationship : he loves this woman but he never knew about this part of her past (he's known her three years).
Is this a deal breaker?

He asked me opinion and I said that drinkdriving offence is a mistake.
I said that manslaughter is a different issue.
I said that we all make mistakes in life and that if a person has tried to turn their life around they deserve support.
But I do not know the facts of the case regarding the manslaughter.

I said that she was being honest with him, in telling him about her past.
I said that it would have been better if she had volunteered this information before the drink drive incident : I said that even so, it took a lot for her to admit what she had done to him and that she must have been very worried trying to keep that part of her life from him.

I asked him if he felt that this news was a deal breaker and he said he still loved the girl.
I said that it was my view then that he should go with his heart and support her and stay with her.

Would this be a deal breaker for you?

princess-lala

@ hinault - Obviously this information should have been brought to his attention before the drink driving thing as he knows her three years. People do silly things when they are drinking.

At the manslaughter thing though if she was willing to tell him that so close to her court case she is obviously worried that he will find out at the court case but he should have known about this before they fell in love or whatever.

Its all about how she was involved in the manslaughter - if it was an accident (which it can be) maybe he could forgive her but if it wasnt an accident then I dunno!

Is she willing to tell him the ins and outs of it??

hinault

princess-lala wrote: »

@ hinault - Obviously this information should have been brought to his attention before the drink driving thing as he knows her three years. People do silly things when they are drinking.

At the manslaughter thing though if she was willing to tell him that so close to her court case she is obviously worried that he will find out at the court case but he should have known about this before they fell in love or whatever.

Its all about how she was involved in the manslaughter - if it was an accident (which it can be) maybe he could forgive her but if it wasnt an accident then I dunno!

Is she willing to tell him the ins and outs of it??

I am sure that my best friend knows the in and outs of the case.
(we did not discuss the ins and outs of the case).
My best guess is tat he does know the details.
He was very shocked when she told him - but as he said to me this all happened 11 years before he got to know her.

He was asking me for my view - I simply said that she cannot undo the past BUT more importantly it what she does now and will do going forward, which is important.
And I said if his heart is telling him to stay with this woman, then he should.
That was my advice.

Clearly he was shocked and had to confide in someone and that's why he told me.

princess-lala

Of course hes gonna be shocked but at the same time it is in her past!

It happened before they met, maybe she never found the right time to tell him and that with this court case looming she felt she needed to tell him. Its not something you would bring up on a first date "oh yeah Ive done time for manslaughter" cue him running out.

Everyone deserves a second chance.

Malari

hinault wrote: »

Serious question : would a persons past be a dealbreaker?

Reason I ask is that a very close friend of mine is in a relationaship with a girl.
The girl got busted for drinkdriving a few months ago and her court appearance is due next week.
She will plead guilty.

OK : people make a mistake.


Except : last week she told him that she had served time for................manslaughter 14 years ago.

The reason my friend only found out about this was because it will be read out in court at the drinkdriving hearing (past convictions are always entered in to the court record).

My friend is very very happy in this relationship : he loves this woman but he never knew about this part of her past (he's known her three years).
Is this a deal breaker?

He asked me opinion and I said that drinkdriving offence is a mistake.
I said that manslaughter is a different issue.
I said that we all make mistakes in life and that if a person has tried to turn their life around they deserve support.
But I do not know the facts of the case regarding the manslaughter.

I said that she was being honest with him, in telling him about her past.
I said that it would have been better if she had volunteered this information before the drink drive incident : I said that even so, it took a lot for her to admit what she had done to him and that she must have been very worried trying to keep that part of her life from him.

I asked him if he felt that this news was a deal breaker and he said he still loved the girl.
I said that it was my view then that he should go with his heart and support her and stay with her.

Would this be a deal breaker for you?

For me the difficulty would be not knowing this about a person's past - the dishonesty. After 3 years you should know someone well enough to be able to judge if they will still love you after such an admission.

If I knew this about someone before I got to know them it might be a deal-breaker though, if that makes sense!

princess-lala

Suppose I should answer this now deal breakers for me are:

Excessive drinking (Ive had one of these relationships)
Violence (been there worn the t-shirt)
Clingy men
Insecure men - Im not gonna run away with another man while Im at the shops.

Thats all I can think of now

hinault

princess-lala wrote: »

Of course hes gonna be shocked but at the same time it is in her past!

It happened before they met, maybe she never found the right time to tell him and that with this court case looming she felt she needed to tell him. Its not something you would bring up on a first date "oh yeah Ive done time for manslaughter" cue him running out.

Everyone deserves a second chance.

Agree 100%.

I see them together and I know that they're both happy together.
My friend has never been happier and they're due to get married next year.

His fiance is a good person : I know her for the past three years and a more loving person you could not wish to meet.

the_syco

hinault wrote: »

Except : last week she told him that she had served time for................manslaughter 14 years ago.

My take on this is: it's easy to hide some small things. If she did such a good job hiding the mansalughter thing, I wonder what other skeletons she has in her closet? I'd find out what it was for: and if it were an ex, I'd run a mile Some accidents are accidents, though. As for drinkdriving: was the manslaughter for a related reason? I'd get her off the drink if that was the case.

princess-lala

the_syco wrote: »

My take on this is: it's easy to hide some small things. If she did such a good job hiding the mansalughter thing, I wonder what other skeletons she has in her closet? I'd find out what it was for: and if it were an ex, I'd run a mile Some accidents are accidents, though. As for drinkdriving: was the manslaughter for a related reason? I'd get her off the drink if that was the case.

Couldnt agree with you more!

I myself wouldnt be able to hide such a thing from anyone but at the same time you can understand why she didnt tell - I know Id think he was gonna run a mile! But as they are due to get married Id still like to know if my husband to be had nasty secrets I didnt know about!

hinault

the_syco wrote: »

My take on this is: it's easy to hide some small things. If she did such a good job hiding the mansalughter thing, I wonder what other skeletons she has in her closet? I'd find out what it was for: and if it were an ex, I'd run a mile Some accidents are accidents, though. As for drinkdriving: was the manslaughter for a related reason? I'd get her off the drink if that was the case.

I don't know the details of the manslaughter case - so I can't help you there.

I pretty confident it had nothing to do with the manslaughter of an ex though:D