Cheating; deal or no deal???

Madame Razz

Personally no matter how much I loved a man I could never bring myself to forgive him for cheating on me; I don't think I could be with him again; I don't think I could ever get it out of my head.

Yet I am amazed at the number of women who do take back their cheating partners, work thru it, and come out the other side, for better or for worse, and sometimes really very much for the better. But why would you do it? Blind love? Or fear of being alone? or just sheer determination to make things work?

Could you do it? Could you take(or have you taken) back a cheating partner and could you turn it around and make it work again?

minidazzler

A cheating partner NO. However, I think any relationship I have will be an open one until I am a fair bit older. So it doesn't really apply methinks!

As long as I am told who they are having sex with and if I need to be worried about disease, I wouldn't mind TBPH.

skywards

I am the kind of person that can only stay mad for about 3 minutes. However, I can't picture myself tolerating that.

MissFlitworth

I don't think I could trust myself to be nice to someone who cheated on me that I took back. No matter how much I wanted to forgive them there'd be a part of me that wouldn't be able to let it go and I could see a future where nasty jibes slipped out occasionally. If it was a once-off I'd try my best but I don't think the poor fcuker would really want to be in any relationship with me after a few months

Someone who cheated on me more than the once, as in was in a little cheaty relationship with someone or cheated on me with more than one person it would be absolutely game over and God have mercy on his soul

princess-lala

Deal breaker for me

sam34

as far as i know, i was only ever cheated on once.

it was years ago, my first college boyfriend.

he cheated on me with, and subsequently dumped me for, a classmate with blonde hair and smaller boobs :rolleyes:

they stayed together for about 6 months afterwards.

oddly enough, it was her i blamed, not him, at the time... i was convinced she "baited" him (with her fried-egg boobs ) and i thought she should have respected the fact that he was with someone.

he escaped my wrath at the time, largely because i was mad about him.

looking back at it now, of course i blame him, he should have had teh decency not to cheat on me, and should have dumped me if thats what he wanted to do.

at the time, if given teh choice, i probably would have stayed with him, because i was young, insecure and besotted. however, i wasnt given teh choice, and now im glad of that, as i think that to take back acheater teaches them thats it is acceptable.

if someone cheated on me now, i would find it very hard to forgive and move on from that.

sam34

my sister forgave her partner after he cheated, and tried to make the relationship work.

in her case, it wasnt out of any great love for him, it was because of fear of being alone (she even offered him an open marriage as long as he didnt "totally leave" her)

of course it didnt work out, and they are now acrimoniously divorced.

I_am_Jebus

I haven't been cheated it on before (That I know of).

Ideally, without experience I would say no I wouldn't take the person back and work through it etc...

However, I suppose it may depend on the circumstancs. If it was an affair (short,medium or long-term) then no I would not try work through it. At the end of the day, an affair is a purposeful act that the person knows what they're getting into.

If it was a once off "mistake" I might be more inclined to at least trying to see if I (we) could work through it. I am not sure if, in real life, in a real situation, I could actually turn it around.

MAB83

Big dealbreaker for me. Plus if I cheated on anyone - though I honestly can't imagine ever doing that to my girlfriend, it would kill me to upset her like that I think I'd have to walk too. I couldn't do that to her and live with it. I really don't take any form of drink or drugs or personal issues etc as an excuse. Cheating is cheating regardless and I don't think I'd ever be able to forgive the person, it would always be there at the back of my mind and would probably always come up in any future arguments etc and destroy you eventually.

Never understood people that forgave cheating and stayed together. I couldn't do it.

WaltKowalski

Madame Razz wrote: »

for better or for worse

As you said yourself - for better, for worse. I think if I was married, I'd take those vows very seriously, and work very hard to overcome any and every problem.

However, it'd definitely be a dumpable offence if I was going out with someone and found out that they were cheating on me.

I'd like to think I'd never cheat on a partner. But if I did and I was in a serious relationship that I wanted to continue, I'd hope to be given a second chance.

Any key?

skywards wrote: »

I am the kind of person that can only stay mad for about 3 minutes. However, I can't picture myself tolerating that.

I'm just like that:D

I'll be in the middle of an argument and start laughing!

If my OH cheated he'd be out the door. I love him with all my heart and It hasn't happened but I don't think we could come back from that.Trust is so important.

Luckily his eyes never wander so I'd be utterly shocked If he ever did cheat.

nodirectionhome

I never even contemplated this before, then in my last relationship I experienced someone almost cheating- very flirty, innapropriate texts and meetings with other women....tho he swore he never cheated, and never would. So I gave him benefit of the doubt, and became bitter and twisted and suspicious and dumped him a month ago, as I didnt like who I was becoming.

Hard though, and weirdly I still loved him, though I thought if someone cheated/potentially cheated, I would dump their ass in a second. Not quite as clear cut as that, but ultimately, I would say if someone cheats, they are not worth it and you shoudl dump them is the bottome line!

metaoblivia

I've not been in that situation (as far as I know), so I can only offer an ignorant opinion, but I think cheating would probably be a deal breaker for me. I can't see myself truly forgiving a partner for that, and I would certainly never forget it. The trust would be broken, and I don't see how a relationship can continue after that happens.

sam34

ok, i wasnt gonna post this, but what the hell...

once, years ago, i cheated on a partner.

we had been going out for about 3 years, and stayed together for almost another 2 afterwards.

the relationship was going fine, no problems, both very much in love.

one night we had a minor fight and i went out with a "f*** you" attitude

(i'm not proud of this, and i realise it was a very immature way to behave)

i ended up in bed with a very good friend of mine (who would obviously have known that i was going out with someone)

i woke up wracked with guilt

i never told my then boyfriend

i didnt tell him for selfish reasons, in that i was afraid he would dump me, and i didnt want that to happen

but part of me also thought that if he didnt dump me,and was prepared to work through it, then i would lose respect for him, as i dont think he, or anyone else,should tolerate that in a relationship

so i chose not to say a word.

as i said, we were together for almost another two years, and only broke up when the relationship ran its course and fizzled out.

to this day, more than 5 years later, he remains one of my closest friends.

i have never ever told him that i cheated on him, and i certainly dont intend to now.

Dolbert

WaltKowalski wrote: »

As you said yourself - for better, for worse. I think if I was married, I'd take those vows very seriously, and work very hard to overcome any and every problem.

However, it'd definitely be a dumpable offence if I was going out with someone and found out that they were cheating on me.

I'd like to think I'd never cheat on a partner. But if I did and I was in a serious relationship that I wanted to continue, I'd hope to be given a second chance.

This is pretty much my view. Obviously it would depend on a lot of factors, but within the context of marriage, I think it at least would be worth trying to get through it together if both parties are willing to go to counselling, etc. A boyfriend who cheated however would be immediately dumped.

Madame Razz

sam34 wrote: »

one night we had a minor fight and i went out with a "f*** you" attitude

I can deffo identify with this:rolleyes:. And yes, it deffo can be dangerous; however I know myself well enough at this stage to not put myself in situations where such misdemeanours can happen when angry or pissed off with my partner. Actually I don't think I could ever cheat on my current partner; I'm ridiculously besotted with him when he's around; like a bloody puppy:rolleyes::o:p

sam34

Madame Razz wrote: »

I can deffo identify with this:rolleyes:. And yes, it deffo can be dangerous; however I know myself well enough at this stage to not put myself in situations where such misdemeanours can happen when angry or pissed off with my partner. Actually I don't think I could ever cheat on my current partner; I'm ridiculously besotted with him when he's around; like a bloody puppy:rolleyes::o:p

yeah, i know what you mean, i was young and immature at the time.

older and wiser, ftw:)

Snowie

I'd take it as a good thng in diguise Id take about a week away and reavulate the hole thing and get back to her...

Madame Razz

Snow-Monkey wrote: »

I'd take it as a good thng in diguise

I really don't see your logic there

metrovelvet

It would depend on an awful lot of factors.

Ginny

I couldn't take someone back after they cheated on me, it's just not something I'd be able to get over and forget.
It would always be there gnawing away at me, at the back of my mind and I more then likely fling it back at them repeatedly, no matter if we resolved it.
I would also have to have respect for myself not to put up with that again, as if a partner cheated they obviously don't have a shred of respect for me or our relationship.
I would hope if a partner was having feelings for someone else or was noticing difficulties or shortcoming in our relationship they would have enough respect for us and decency to come and discuss the issues with me.

Any key?

Snow-Monkey wrote: »

I'd take it as a good thng in diguise Id take about a week away and reavulate the hole thing and get back to her...

Does that mean you'd be relieved to have an exit strategy??

pikachucheeks

I'm going to say deal breaker.

Someone cheating on you and breaking your trust is the ultimate betrayal, in my opinion.

As far as I can see, relationships are fundamentally based on trust - if you can't trust your partner, surely the relationship not only flawed, but very unlikely to last.

I can't imagine there's anything more humiliating and devastating than having someone you love cheat on you with someone else.

Aside from being morally wrong, it's selfish and it shows a complete lack of respect towards your partner.

Snowie

Madame Razz wrote: »

I really don't see your logic there

I guess there's a number of ways of seeing it, one. Would be that I could be in a reletionship thats lost its spark and inturn have become nothing more then close friends that kiss and have sex and be nothing more then completely fruit less.

Or

It could be one of those really bad things that happen to you and then turns out to be the best thing tha ever happened....

Or

it could be a really good bonding experence between to people and bringing
them closer to geather if they could work it out :cool:...

Das Kitty

It's not something that I have any experience with, my husband is my first serious partner, I can't envisage a time where it would be an issue either so working solely in hypotheticals here.

I think it would be very hard to work through something like this. However I think it would be easier than dismantling our life and all we've meant to one another. That said it would completely depend on the circumstances and I can only say I'd commit to try, it could be something that we just couldn't make it through, but I'd hate to give in without a fight. I dunno, might sound mad to some of you.

We actively work on our relationship to try to avoid the sort of decay that can lead to this sort of thing, hopefully it's enough.

Crumble Froo

ive cheated on my partner before, and just about broke his heart

but he did actually take me back. that was 2.5 years ago now, and we're stronger now than we ever were before, but it was a looong shaky period of re-evaluating the relationship and gaining trust in each other again.

it's bloody hard to get over, but it is possible. he's the kinda guy who's just ridiculously loyal and i know he tried to work things through with his ex who repeatedly cheated on him, until he eventually just walked out with a handful of his stuff and i dont think has seen her since.

i know if i was to cheat again, it would be over, but i also know that i wouldnt risk losing him now. i didnt quite know what we had together, until i lost it before. but anyway... rambling.

i suppose if a partner cheated on me, it would definitely require a Very Serious Conversation, and they *might* have a chance of a second chance if they pleaded their case well. i dont have a black and white answer for this one, tbh.

MissIT

I would like to think i would have a bit of respect for myself and be out the gap if a partner cheated on me.. but im a fool when im mad about someone.
I always forgive easily and i imagine after the initial anger, hurt, rage, and screaming session id probably take them back:(!! Of course that does mean it would work out, the jealousy would prob drive them away eventually anyway!!

metrovelvet

Doesnt it depend on so many things? Do you have kids? Are you married? is there something else going on? Did you have a part to play in it? is eros essentially elsewhere? Was it a once off or a full blown love affair?

Isnt part of loving someone also being able to forgive them?

Maybe Ive been spending too much time in France.

jellie

I was always of the attitude that if someone ever cheated on me thats it. Imo its one of the most awful things you can do to someone, and after being cheated on i can tell you its one of the most painful things anyone has ever done to me.

But.. after an initial "fuck you, get out of my life, never want to hear from/see you again" etc etc, after the worst of the pain was gone, after the hatred had faded.. i was willing to give it another shot. I cant explain why. It wasnt a fear of being lonely, a long time had passed in between, and it was used to being by myself. I think for me it was a case of "what mightve been". It was a year later and he was still on my mind, had tried to bury my feelings but still thought about him pretty much every day.

long story short.. it didnt work. for a million reasons, though i will admit that the history of what he did turned me extremely paranoid during the time we were seeing each other.

to be honest i think ill find it hard to fully trust anybody again, and if i get there itll probably take a long time.

I think its hard to give an opinion on what youd do unless youve been through it. i always swore if anyone ever cheated on me thatd be it, but sometimes its not that simple in some ways i feel a bit ashamed of my decision, to go back on something i felt so strongly about. & i got a lot of strong opinions from friends, telling me i was being stupid. but it was right for me at the time.

Niamho!

Thankfully, i've never been in the situation so far. I pity any man that does it to me.

It is one of the most dispicable things any person can do in my opinion.
there is NO excuse for it. If you want to go off and be with other people then break-up with the person you're supposed to be "With".

Bit of harmless flirting never hurt anyone of course, but i would NEVER ever forgive someone who did it to me.

if i find out someone i know is a bit of a cheater...totally turns me off them. :mad:

Madame Razz

metrovelvet wrote: »

Doesnt it depend on so many things? Do you have kids? Are you married? is there something else going on? Did you have a part to play in it? is eros essentially elsewhere? Was it a once off or a full blown love affair?

Isnt part of loving someone also being able to forgive them?

Maybe Ive been spending too much time in France.

Don't people in that situation who have kids usually stay together for the sake of the kids tho

Das Kitty

Madame Razz wrote: »

Don't people in that situation who have kids usually stay together for the sake of the kids tho

Sometimes, but I do think people would go further to salvage a relationship for their sakes. It's not always a question of "Let's put up with one another till they're 18." It sometimes is, and IMO that's worse for the kids than a separation.

metrovelvet

Madame Razz wrote: »

Don't people in that situation who have kids usually stay together for the sake of the kids tho

I wouldnt say usually or not usually, I dont know tbh, but if you love each other, I think the extra effort would be worth it.

I think there are contexts in which it is unforgiveable, but there are many where it is forgiveable. Like with most things I hamlet about and dont have a straight answer.

I think with cheating its the lies, rather than the act itself which does the most damage, note I said "most" which would imply that the other parts of an affair are also damaging, but not always unrecoverable.

Ginny

TBH if someone cheated on me when we had kids together it would make it even worse for me.
It would be an even bigger F-you from them, and would show little respect or thought for me and our children.

Sephiroth_dude

Deal breaker.....I'd show them the door.

krudler

Deal breaker, Id dump someone in an instant if they cheated on me, it brings the relationship to a stop there and then, been cheated on twice and its the worst feeling in the world, that horrible, gut-wrenching feeling you get and you run through things in your head that probably didnt happen but you cant help thinking about. Doesnt matter how much i loved someone, once the trust is gone, so are they, doesnt matter if it was shag or a drunk kiss, see ya

Faith

It depends on a lot of things IMO. Was it a drunken kiss, a sober snogging session, sex, love? Was it planned?

If my OH was out and really drunk and kissed another girl, I'd probably be devastated. But I might be able to get past it. If he was sober/had sex with her/fell in love with her/planned it, I don't think I'd ever be able to move past it. It's one thing to get a little carried away and kiss someone briefly and drunkenly, once you stop as soon as you realise what's happening. But anything more than that takes thought, and you're aware of what you're doing. That's cold, and demonstrates a complete lack of respect and care for the person you're cheating on. I doubt I could ever trust someone again if they did that to me.

Notorious

It's a deal breaker for me. I just think it would just drag a relationship into the ground. I just wouldn't be able to trust someone who cheated on me; if they were on a night out I'd be wrecking my head wondering who was there and what they were up to - I just wouldn't be able to relax about it. I don't think I could just forgive and forget. Then again, I've never been in that position, but I think I know what I'd do.

krudler

It depends on a lot of things IMO. Was it a drunken kiss, a sober snogging session, sex, love? Was it planned?

doesnt matter,they're all as bad as each other, the "i was drunk" thing is a ****ing bull**** excuse

entropi

Cheating...definitely a deal breaker for me! I would never forgive it, and tell them to hit the road right away. Liars and backstabbers are two of my biggest irritations.

minidazzler

krudler wrote: »

doesnt matter,they're all as bad as each other, the "i was drunk" thing is a ****ing bull**** excuse

Not really a Bull excuse.

Drink does reduce inhibitions, stops you thinking so clearly, and has been known to make many a person horny.

It's not a good excuse and then you should ask why they got so damn drunk. But it is a valid excuse.

princess-lala

My ex did it to me, we were together 4 weeks the first time. People told me and silly me didnt even question him about it, he had said he wouldnt so I trusted him.

Six months later I saw it for my own eyes and still he talked me around, then again about a year later. I finished it then but it was only after we were finished I found out he had been seeing the town bike the whole time we were together.

Actually agreed to stay friends for some mad reason and last year got back together for a very short period until he found himself a new bike to ride!!

Hes still texting & ringing me to see will I take him back but this time its a defo NO! :rolleyes:

Sorry for the ramble

Snowie

minidazzler wrote: »

Not really a Bull excuse.

Drink does reduce inhibitions, stops you thinking so clearly, and has been known to make many a person horny.

It's not a good excuse and then you should ask why they got so damn drunk. But it is a valid excuse.

yes it is when im hammered and go try to climb lamp post or walls i know what im doing i just want to.....

Dink can not be used as an excuse.

Wibbs

Madame Razz wrote: »

I really don't see your logic there

I would have to go along with the Arctic Inclined Simian on this one and for similar reasons to the ones he gave.

I've never cheated on someone. I'd like to be able to claim a get thee behind me satan moment, but it's just down to me not really being in a mindset that allowed that. No real self control on my part, it's just me. If I'm with someone, even if it's going tits up at the time, it just doesn't occur to me. Don't get me wrong I have seen the opening in the past when things have been shaky in my relationship and a new woman has peaked my interest, but when I does peak my interest it just reminds me of the woman I loved at the time and why am I not going home with her.

That said I can fully or at least partially understand why it may occur to someone else. I should do, as I have been the "other guy" in the past. Mostly without knowing until after the fact, but sometimes I did know and ploughed ahead anyway.

It's rarely so black and white. There have been attached women I've cheated with who were just disloyal strumpets, end of. But they would be in the minority in my particular experience. Most where just missing something in their relationships, either acute or more chronic. I've had people who told me they loved their boyfriend right after and were feeling very bad and unsettled because of what had just happened with me.

At the time I would have noted them down as slappers etc, but now I would take a generally different view. I would think that many if not most actually did love the guy in question. They may spend the rest of their life with the guy, but something was missing and they felt they needed something else. I don't think they knew what they wanted in themselves at the time. It may have been sex, but mostly I think it was a connection they were looking for. Even a transitory one. A connection more than they felt in the otherwise good relationship they had. A case of "god this is nice on a day to day basis, but is this it?" dealio. I mostly spotted that as in many cases it was the talking and emotional exchange after the sweaty bit was over that was more important. It was a side effect of the in love period being over and the long term period being in full swing. The love was there, but that excitement, emotional connection, especially the excitement of the novelty of same wasn't so much.

In those cases I blame both TBH. Her for not communicating to her partner what she was missing, or not communicating it in a way he would hear. Him for likely being blase and settled into the status quo as my gender tends to fall into.

For me? If someone I loved cheated with another? The very first thing I would look to is myself. What did I do to enable this? If I found I hadn't enabled it or not enabled it enough to justify it and it was just her weakness and lack of control ? Then there's the door. I may love you, but who I loved is not the person standing before me. If I found I was somewhat to blame , because I hadn't seen her as my woman and let her forget I was her man and missed seeing her as part of a partnership for a healthier life for us both? Then I could forgive.

I could actually when the emotional pain subsided see it as a positive step. If she was willing to be part of us again, if I was willing to do the same, because the "us" mattered that much to me, then yes, I would say deal.

Love for me isn't based on the exchange of bodily fluids. Well actually it is, but it's not genital juice tm, it's based on blood, sweat and tears of both joy and unhappiness. Shared over time. With a spine of why you fell in love with another running through that.

My take anyway.

It would depend on the circumstances. I had one very brief snog with a friend of a friend at the very beginning of my last relationship, when it was all a bit up in the air, we weren't sure whether to have a go at long distance and he'd just moved abroad. He forgave me and I most likely would have forgiven him in the same situation. I still felt awful about it, couldn't imagine doing anything more.

Cheating on a longterm partner to me is unforgivable - especially if the person doesn't come clean immediately. It's the lying and the long term betrayal that I find really awful. My ex cheated on me after 2 years together and I found out by snooping in his email account because I was so suspicious. I'd ask him repeatedly if anything had happened with this girl and he told me no. He actually had the nerve to imply I was paranoid and needed to see someone about it I was totally crushed. I'd had my suspicions but still couldn't believe he actually did it and lied to my face for so long. Obviously that was the end of that there and then. I never actually dumped him but he understood that it was over when I walked out of his house.

MizzLolly

Ideally, everyone wants to be replying to this thread to say that they wouldn't tolerate cheating under any circumstances. I always said if I was cheated on that I would ditch the guy in a second because it's the most hurtful and disrespectful thing you can do to somebody who completely trusts you.

Sadly, when it actually happened to me I reacted very differently. With the initial shock of actually realising what was going on my first reaction was to try 'fix' it. There was even part of me that was willing to say that I didn't want to know about it, just so I could go back to feeling the way I did in the minutes before I found out. I still think cheating is unforgivable and inexcusable but yet when it came to me and my relationship I was willing to let my morals slide just to keep a lying, cheating coward on my arm. He dumped me afterwards. Biggest mistake I made was not staying loyal to myself because at the end of the day that guy had no loyalty to me whatsoever. At least if I had have realised sooner I could have walked with some dignity intact and avoided the tears and the utter humiliation caused by those two, who were shamelessly loving the attention at the expense of my broken heart.





And she wasn't even pretty FFS!

Red Hand

Faith wrote: »

It depends on a lot of things IMO. Was it a drunken kiss, a sober snogging session, sex, love? Was it planned?

If my OH was out and really drunk and kissed another girl, I'd probably be devastated. But I might be able to get past it. If he was sober/had sex with her/fell in love with her/planned it, I don't think I'd ever be able to move past it. It's one thing to get a little carried away and kiss someone briefly and drunkenly, once you stop as soon as you realise what's happening. But anything more than that takes thought, and you're aware of what you're doing. That's cold, and demonstrates a complete lack of respect and care for the person you're cheating on. I doubt I could ever trust someone again if they did that to me.

Yep, I'd agree with that. Though sometimes this "I was drunk" excuse can be used for anything...people are often cowards behind drink.

mcmoustache

A drunken kiss is fairly forgivable. Sex, not so much. You see, some people genuinely feel that it is OK if they can get away with it. When caught, they justify it with "I don't feel you love me" for a girl, and "It was only sex but I love you" from guys. But the thing is, to get from the street to naked in the sack takes lots of little decisions. "Should I go see him/her?", "should I have that glass of wine?", "what if he/she finds out?", "what's that he's doing to my leg/ear?", "is this right?" etc etc. It's premeditated with the assumption that you'll be forever in the dark. Nothing at all like a drunken sloppy kiss.

If your other half has cheated, he/she may or may not do it again but you'll never know. And you'll always wonder what he/she is at. Ditch him/her and get out with your dignity.

On a related note, what about single people who shág people already in a relationship?

"If you marry a man who cheats on his wife, you'll be married to a man who cheats on his wife." - Ann Landers

I couldn't respect a person who was capable of cheating full stop.
It wouldnt have to be on me.
Biggest turn off ever.

shivvyban

I could never be with someone I thought cheated on me and I've always been that way, even since the 'little' relationships as a teenager. As far as I'm concerned it would be as unforgivable as hitting me. Whether there's drink or no drink involved I obviously wouldn't have been on their minds as they did it and therefore they don't love me. For me, its a clear case of black and white.

battser

I think it depends on a lot of different factors like someone has said already.

My personal experience is fairly sh!tty. Long story short the girl I thought I loved at the time slept with her ex! I tried to be a bigger man if you will and try work it out! Over the following months I just couldn't trust her but more importantly I began to understand that I just didn't love her anymore and knew that even if she didn't cheat the relationship would never have worked so I ended it!!!

Ever since I have had a bad attitude to women and was not a very nice person. That seems to have been put to bed however in the last few weeks with a girl im seeing that I really like