Haven't heard from him - should I assume date is still on?

seahorse

I don't have many relationship 'rules' Ash, but here's one I never break (and caution my younger sisters never to break either): NEVER contact a man a second time if he's ignored something you sent him, be it an e-mail, text, missed call, whatever. If you do that you are responding to his evasiveness, and evasiveness doesn’t deserve a response.

scarymoon1

I don't think he is ignoring her. Why would someone bother to make a date, chat inbetween and then decide to just ignore her?? Doesn't make sense to me. You were right to send that second text - at least now you wont be thinking what if etc. Well done

Madame Razz

Honestly; I'd give him the benefit of the doubt on this one. He's a guy, and an untechnical one at that so probably not at all into his phone.

With my current OH, serious relationship, blah blah blah, we met thru a mutual friend, he took my number the night that I met him and rang me the next day asking me to dinner the following week. I heard nothing from him until 3pm the day of our dinner date. Like you I was becoming a bit concerned about not hearing from him at all, but I decided to give him the benfit of the doubt as he had seemed extremely genuine.

I questioned him about it a while later; and his reply was that he had arranged a date with me and that was that, he wasn't going to break the arrangement anyway so why bother with idle chit chat in the interim. He's just a very practical guy with no time for BS; so maybe this man falls in the same category??

Best of luck anyway:)

ash23

Had a reply typed up basically agreeing with Madam Razz but phone just buzzed and basically he said he got bad news last week, form wasn't good, won't be able to make it, sorry and take care.

Dumped before the first date. Ouch.

lazygal

Oh Ash23, at least you know you're not the only one going through this, as you're always giving great advice here!
Like I said, just a suggestion but get He's Just Not that Into You.....you never know, might help you a bit
xxx:)

Madame Razz

ash23 wrote: »

Had a reply typed up basically agreeing with Madam Razz but phone just buzzed and basically he said he got bad news last week, form wasn't good, won't be able to make it, sorry and take care.

Dumped before the first date. Ouch.

Oh dear; do you think rescheduling is an option??

All you can do is be gracious in your reply and tell him that you hope things look up for him.

Could be a bullet dodged anyway; get out on Friday night regardless and have a blast with your mates and draw some more Venn diagrams:pac::P

ash23

The final line of the text was "sorry and take care".

To me, thats a "full stop" situation.

I'm not saying he's not genuine about something going wrong for him but whatever it is, I think he's bid me adieu.

I just replied that I was sorry to hear that, hoped everything was ok and things improved for him and best of luck.

Another confidence knock. Yay! Just what a girl always needs.
:rolleyes:

scarymoon1

ash23 wrote: »

The final line of the text was "sorry and take care".

To me, thats a "full stop" situation.

I'm not saying he's not genuine about something going wrong for him but whatever it is, I think he's bid me adieu.

I just replied that I was sorry to hear that, hoped everything was ok and things improved for him and best of luck.

Another confidence knock. Yay! Just what a girl always needs.
:rolleyes:

yeah i guess if he wanted to reschedule he would have said so. Oh well - plenty more fish eh!

CDfm

Madame Razz wrote: »

Oh dear; do you think rescheduling is an option??

All you can do is be gracious in your reply and tell him that you things look up for him.

Could be a bullet dodged anyway; get out on Friday night regardless and have a blast with your mates and draw some more Venn diagrams:pac::P

The words she speaks are true - Friday FTW

Babooshka

ash23 wrote: »

The final line of the text was "sorry and take care".

To me, thats a "full stop" situation.

I'm not saying he's not genuine about something going wrong for him but whatever it is, I think he's bid me adieu.

I just replied that I was sorry to hear that, hoped everything was ok and things improved for him and best of luck.

Another confidence knock. Yay! Just what a girl always needs.
:rolleyes:

But maybe it's nothing to do with you, he could have had very bad news ash, he could have cancer, he could have had someone die on him...you're thinking about it all from a victims point of view, a little bit...? I'm not having a go honestly because I just identify a bit with what you do, and especially how you describe what you do when you're serious about someone. I've done lots of what you do, and it's downright low self esteem on my part, it's just a huge big fear of being hurt.

I am no psychiatrist and can only tell you my own opinions and experiences. A few years ago I'd have agreed with you on the "ah, well, poor me, leave it, he doesn't like me" thing....and not even think that actually maybe the guy is in real trouble, if you really liked him, send him a text saying you're really disappointed, you hope the news wasn't fatal whatever it was, and good luck. That'd be genuine wouldn't it? I'm only typing this up cos you remind me a bit of myself, and it's a bit of myself that p*sses me off...I'm always thinking or expecting the worst from situations especially when it comes to intimacy and feelings but that's what I have to work on.

Maybe sometimes the benefit of doubt is good to give even if he's not genuine, it'll be a start for you? I hope it works out for you, it's really hard knowing what you do now-a-days, but anyway, just my opinion... good luck Ash


EDIT: sorry you said you did send him a text like I advised sending I read too fast Oops....

ash23

Babooshka wrote: »

But maybe it's nothing to do with you, he could have had very bad news ash, he could have cancer, he could have had someone die on him...you're thinking about it all from a victims point of view, a little bit...? I'm not having a go honestly because I just identify a bit with what you do, and especially how you describe what you do when you're serious about someone. I've done lots of what you do, and it's downright low self esteem on my part, it's just a huge big fear if being hurt.

I am no psychiatrist and can only tell you my own opinions and experiences. A few years ago I'd have agreed with you on the "ah, well, poor me, leave it, he doesn't like me" thing....and not even think that actually maybe the guy is in real trouble, if you really liked him, send him a text saying you're really disappointed, you hope the news wasn't fatal whatever it was, and good luck. That'd be genuine wouldn't it? I'm only typing this up cos you remind me a bit of myself, and it's a bit of myself that p*sses me off...I'm always thinking or expecting the worst from situations especially when it comes to intimacy and feelings but that's what I have to work on.

Maybe sometimes the benefit of doubt is good to give even if he's not genuine, it'll be a start for you? I hope it works out for you, it's really hard knowing what you do now-a-days, but anyway, just my opinion... good luck Ash

I see your point and if he'd not put the "take care" at the end of the line I'd be more inclined to agree but he did.

And like I said

I just replied that I was sorry to hear that, hoped everything was ok and things improved for him and best of luck

I can't do anymore than that really. Whatever is going on, he doesn't want to share and doesn't want to see me so I can't do anything else but let it go.

But i would agree on the low self esteem though. I was crippled with insecurity when I was younger, in every aspect of my life. Now it tends to just be with relationships.

Anyway, I contacted my girls and we're heading out on the razz this weekend. No self pity allowed

Edit : lol
Posts crossing!

Babooshka

I hope you have lots of fun. Sorry I edited my last post saying I read your other one too fast and only noticed you did send him a text to that effect anyhow. I agree with you, nothing else you can do.

I am still working on my own insecurities....I am going to do some counselling for it, even though I have someone I am just doing it to improve my own insecurities...anyway whatever you do, good luck girl, and have a great time on Friday

daisybelle2008

seahorse wrote: »

I don't have many relationship 'rules' Ash, but here's one I never break (and caution my younger sisters never to break either): NEVER contact a man a second time if he's ignored something you sent him, be it an e-mail, text, missed call, whatever. If you do that you are responding to his evasiveness, and evasiveness doesn’t deserve a response.

I agree with this. When you said he did not reply to your last text I thought uh-oh this is not going to be good.

To be honest all the talk of 'benefit of the doubt' is just ignoring the obvious. Whatever his reasons it really does not matter. Move on.
I would not bother texting him back.

There are a lot of posters who will tell you to give the benefit of the doubt etc. But in my experience you are wasting time and given yourself false hope. If the other person is interested you won't have to be second guessing or wondering if they are interested. They will let you know!

Really don't overthink it, go out friday and have a blast. Please do not ask him to reschedule! You have your answer.

ash23

daisybelle2008 wrote: »

Please do not ask him to reschedule! You have your answer.

Oh god no, I won't. Wouldn't dream of asking him to reschedule.

Madame Razz

daisybelle2008 wrote: »

I agree with this. When you said he did not reply to your last text I thought uh-oh this is not going to be good.

To be honest all the talk of 'benefit of the doubt' is just ignoring the obvious. Whatever his reasons it really does not matter. Move on.
I would not bother texting him back.

There are a lot of posters who will tell you to give the benefit of the doubt etc. But in my experience you are wasting time and given yourself false hope. If the other person is interested you won't have to be second guessing or wondering if they are interested. They will let you know!

I don't think that you can blanket everybody with this though. I mean some people simply hate texting, some people are simply practical, make arrangements and stick to them, they're almost business like in their approach to it all, they don't faff about with texts in the interim. Whilst I agree it's a bad thing to give everybody the benefit of the doubt, you can't always see everything in negative eyes either; yes some people are messers(like this guy), but others are genuine, albeit not the most romantic.

ash23 wrote: »

Anyway, I contacted my girls and we're heading out on the razz this weekend. No self pity allowed

I thoroughly endorse this product or service:p

Seriously tho, don't take all of this personally; this is his issue, not yours, it isn't a reflection on you at all in fact. You could be Angelina Jolie but he may still just not be looking for anything right now. Forget about it; onwards and upwards; and have a blast on Friday......the 13th is always lucky for some you know;)

ash23

Madame Razz wrote: »

Friday......the 13th is always lucky for some you know;)

My ex dumped me on fri the 13th so you're right. It is a lucky day for me

LegacyUser

Ash23, you sound just like my sister! She's either way too full on with guys or wayyyyy to bitchy with them (the ones she likes). And for her (and maybe you?), it's basically just a protective measure to not get hurt. But finding a partner means risk-taking, otherwise you'll find some lapdog twit who will put up with your crappy treatment but sadly won't make you happy - I imagine this was the guts of the Venn diagrams! Being dumped or rejected can be horrible, but honestly, life's far too short to make someone beg for your attention for a year (and who really has a year to waste???) - and would you respect someone who puts up with that? Would you bother chasing someone who expected you to behave like that? Quite clearly not from your various posts in this thread - even making a second phone call or text was almost beyond the pale for you. (I'm not criticising you - if that's your rule, then that's fine)

But I'm kind of glad this guy cancelled - for no other reason than you need someone who can be bothered lifting the phone to call you and confirm a first date (I'm so over all this texting- what's wrong with a minute long phone call instead of twenty texts back and forth??). There's no point investing time, effort and emotional energy into someone who really isn't interested. I've also read the "He's Just Not That Into You" and like all books you need to take it with a grain of salt, but the basic principle is there regardless if you're a man or a woman. If someone likes you, they will find a way to contact you or will show you that they like you!

So good luck, have a blast on Friday night and keep working on opening yourself up because life is too short to waste on scaring or pissing people off who might make you very happy .... now, if only I could get my sister to read this.......

opinion guy

daisybelle2008 wrote: »

I agree with this. When you said he did not reply to your last text I thought uh-oh this is not going to be good.

To be honest all the talk of 'benefit of the doubt' is just ignoring the obvious. Whatever his reasons it really does not matter. Move on.
I would not bother texting him back.

There are a lot of posters who will tell you to give the benefit of the doubt etc. But in my experience you are wasting time and given yourself false hope. If the other person is interested you won't have to be second guessing or wondering if they are interested. They will let you know!

Really don't overthink it, go out friday and have a blast. Please do not ask him to reschedule! You have your answer.

I disagree. Ash texted him and she got an answer. Now she is not sitting there wondering. job done. shes in a better situation than she was this morning.

And ash, the somethingbad happened could be a line, but it coudl be real too. maybe he's just not in dating frame of mind. i know if soethin bad happened i would't wan to go on a date and be in bad form. If he's really into you h'e get back in touch. if not he wont. the take care thing is pretty meaningless either way. for some people like myself its my standard version of 'see ya'

daisybelle2008

opinion guy wrote: »

I disagree. Ash texted him and she got an answer. Now she is not sitting there wondering. job done. shes in a better situation than she was this morning.

And ash, the somethingbad happened could be a line, but it coudl be real too. maybe he's just not in dating frame of mind. i know if soethin bad happened i would't wan to go on a date and be in bad form. If he's really into you h'e get back in touch. if not he wont. the take care thing is pretty meaningless either way. for some people like myself its my standard version of 'see ya'

I see what you are saying but I think she got her answer before today i.e when he did not reply to her last text. Opinions will differ, some people will like to give a load of excuses but I think we have a gut instinct and if you need to start asking, questioning what his lack of contact means before the first date then the writing is already on the wall.

If he is into you, you just won't be sitting around wondering if you have a date or not or if he has got a fatal disease.

I know people have also made the excuse for him that he might not be into texting....blah blah blah.....if a guy is really into you they suddenly seem to overcome this. At least in the early days before they stop taking you for granted.

G-Money

I don't know if this will help you and I haven't read all the replies, but this is something that has happened to me.

I got chatting to a girl on Facebook, we'd sent a few mails, friended each other so we could check out our profiles, swapped numbers and chatted once or twice on the phone, sent texts too. Then sure enough, the subject of a date comes up.

We had discussed meeting the next Friday at night. I think it was the previous Sunday or Monday we had mentioned this. So it was more or less set for the Friday. We had picked a location, but had sort of arranged a time. As we discussed this, she text'd me and said "Is it ok to wait until tomorrow, just so I can confirm it". I said no problem and the next day came and passed, no word from her (it was a Tuesday).

I thought about texting her but for some reason, I sort of started to lose interest. Wednesday went by, no response. I thought about texting her but I kind of felt like the ball was in her court as she was supposed to get back to me to either confirm or not confirm or whatever. Came to Thursday and she said she couldn't make it and maybe we could reschedule for the following week. I said no problem but I had no intentions of meeting her now at this stage.

In my mind, if someone cancels and they don't try to arrange a specific day and time to meet up again, I don't bring it up. Saying "maybe next week" is a bit of a cop out, especially if it's not followed up with details "How about this day, at this time, etc etc."

It sort of worked out well as I'd lost interest so when she cancelled, I was sort of relieved. Part of me wonders did she cancel because I didn't get in touch to firm up the plans. But, either way, I'm not that bothered.

It's possible he lost interest. Anyway I don't really believe in chasing these things. It can be hard not to when you like the person, but there's a fine line to walk between being aloof and too keen. I often can't see it

Anyway, whatever happens, good luck.

dellas1979

Ah am sorry to hear that Ash.

Ok, silver lining is youve more time to find someone who does appreciate you and wants to take you on a date.

Dont dwell on him and think "whats wrong with me?".

ash23

Awww, thanks guys.
I'm not stressing over it. I barely know him after all. I've been through worse and come out relatively unscathed!

I am glad I texted him today. Whether his excuse is true or not is irrelevant. But at least I'm not left hanging. I have no patience for that crap.

I took a step with this guy, eased off on the contact and forwardness and I was nice
And while it didn't work out, it ended better than some of my previous encounters which tended to be hot and heavy and leave me feeling rejected.
This guy doesn't know me therefore he didn't reject me.

He has his own issues and tbh, I've enough of my own to be dealing with

His loss!

themusicman

ash23 wrote: »

The final line of the text was "sorry and take care".

To me, thats a "full stop" situation.

I'm not saying he's not genuine about something going wrong for him but whatever it is, I think he's bid me adieu.

I just replied that I was sorry to hear that, hoped everything was ok and things improved for him and best of luck.

Another confidence knock. Yay! Just what a girl always needs.
:rolleyes:

Ash23

Pity it didnt work out however........another confidence knock....maybe not.

Look at the number of people who offered opinions. As I said earlier you are a very perceptive poster who helps out others. It would seem from the volume of postings that a lot of people here have a great respect for you and took time out to offer their advice. It seems to me that although you may have a knock in one way it can also be seen as a loud statement of caring.

Enjoy fri night and remember what I said...you never know when cupid can strike.

PS I would really like to see the venn diagram and who would fit in the dead centre of it!!!

ash23

themusicman wrote: »

PS I would really like to see the venn diagram and who would fit in the dead centre of it!!!

Me too

Thanks again everyone for some really lovely replies. Made it a lot easier! :P