Haven't heard from him - should I assume date is still on?

ash23

Hi all,
Basically, had a date arranged for Friday night.
He asked me out, I said yes. We don't know each other that well and we haven't kissed or anything. I'm a friend of a friend and we met at a party, chatted a bit and a few days later he asked our friend for my number.

Problem is, I don't know what to make of this.
He rang me, asking me out. At the end of the conversation he said "call/text me sometime during the week if you feel like chatting".
This was a Wednesday. On saturday I texted him, we had a text chat, during which he discussed the date, what we would do etc. He ended it with "Have to head to bed, I'll talk to you during the week".

I didn't hear from him all week so texted him Friday just saying hi, how was your week etc. No reply since.

So, I am wondering, do I plan for the date?
Would it be very "doormat" of me if I don't hear from him til Friday and he calls to arrange friday night, and I go? Or would it be an over reaction if he calls friday and I say "oh I thought you weren't coming as I hadn't heard from you in 2 weeks".


Advice please!!

opinion guy

Text or call him and ask him if friday night is still on. if he doesn't answer a direct question about it then i would assume it's off.

ash23

opinion guy wrote: »

Text or call him and ask him if friday night is still on. if he doesn't answer a direct question about it then i would assume it's off.

Does that not fall into the clingy/needy/obsessive catagory though :rolleyes:

I contacted him, he didn't reply, ball is in his court now? No?

I just want to arrange a babysitter if I need one.
Might arrange the sitter and go out regardless........
At what stage in the week does it become unacceptable for him not to have contacted me?

I would have thought by now but my friends always tell me I'm too harsh so I'm trying not to be.

Bottle_of_Smoke

Give him a ring. If he doesn't answer/return your call don't show up.

opinion guy

ash23 wrote: »

Does that not fall into the clingy/needy/obsessive catagory though :rolleyes:

I contacted him, he didn't reply, ball is in his court now? No?

Not really. He ignored ur last message after him telling you to text. But yo guys have an arrangement to meet. Just say something like - trying to arrange a sitter so just wanted to check you are still on for friday.
hmmm think of it as a test - if he can't answer a perfectly reasonable quesiton like that surrounding inevitable practicalities then, really is this the man for you ??

Might arrange the sitter and go out regardless........

Sounds like a plan

At what stage in the week does it become unacceptable for him not to have contacted me?

Not sure there's a rule, but if he can't answer a text like that regardin practical arrangements within the day then I'd say he'd want to have a damn good reason for it.

ash23

Ok, am going to organise the sitter as my mates are heading out anyway so need one regardless.

I'll leave it til Wednesday and ask him then if it's still going ahead.

Have to be honest though. My reaction would usually be not to contact him and if he hadnt contacted me by tomorrow (3 day rule) then i would assume it was off and not contact him again. If he contacted me after that, I would say I assumed he wasn't interested and the date was off (aka the ice queen).

Hence why my mates say I'm too harsh and I am trying to be more "understanding"

shellyboo

ash23 wrote: »

Ok, am going to organise the sitter as my mates are heading out anyway so need one regardless.

I'll leave it til Wednesday and ask him then if it's still going ahead.

Have to be honest though. My reaction would usually be not to contact him and if he hadnt contacted me by tomorrow (3 day rule) then i would assume it was off and not contact him again. If he contacted me after that, I would say I assumed he wasn't interested and the date was off (aka the ice queen).

Hence why my mates say I'm too harsh and I am trying to be more "understanding"

What's one more phone call though, for the sake of getting a straight answer? You sent him one text in the past 2 weeks - he may not have gotten it, he might have forgotten, had no credit, blah blah blah. He might be thinking YOU'RE not interested!

ash23

shellyboo wrote: »

What's one more phone call though, for the sake of getting a straight answer? You sent him one text in the past 2 weeks - he may not have gotten it, he might have forgotten, had no credit, blah blah blah. He might be thinking YOU'RE not interested!

Fair point...but, aside from the initial asking me out, I've been the one initiating the contact, as in texting him first.
Only so long you can do that without feeling like you look like a desperado!

shellyboo

Meh. Some people just aren't attached to their phones, tbh. I really don't read too much into the whole "who texts first" business. Someone has to! Means nothing to me. There's absolutely nothing wrong with showing a little enthusiasm for the date. I'm not saying you should chase him, but in this instance I definitely think you should get in touch and see how the land lies.

ash23

Ok. I will. Not today though

I've a bad habit of doing too much and scaring them off or not doing enough and it dwindling out. Need to find a balance!

I'm so rubbish at this

lazygal

Hi OP
Get yourself a copy of He's Just Not That Into You.
I was JUST like you, wondering why he didn't call or waiting to hear if a date would go ahead. Then I read that book and decided to cut the cr*p! I have found since then if a guy is interested he will call. I met my current OH at a party and, for various reasons, he had to wait two weeks for my number (was not playing hard to get BTW). My point is he is that into me. He wanted me, he chased me and I never sit by the phone wondering why he hasn't called, because he is 100% straight up about his feelings. I've raised the He's Just Not idea with a few male friends and they all say if they are into a girl they will pursue her ie call her, fix times for dates etc as they want to be sure no-one else gets in there before them.
My point is wouldn't you prefer to wait to find someone like that who REALLY likes you rather than waiting and wondering if your first date is even a date? I think you are worth more than that. Its not about playing games, its about finding someone who is worthy of your time and this guy doesnt sound like he deserves you. Move on and don't chase him-maybe you'll meet someone else on the night with your mates!!

CDfm

call him.

he may be out of phone credit so dont assume he can get your texts/voicemail messages

ash23

lazygal wrote: »

Hi OP
Get yourself a copy of He's Just Not That Into You.
I was JUST like you, wondering why he didn't call or waiting to hear if a date would go ahead. Then I read that book and decided to cut the cr*p! I have found since then if a guy is interested he will call. I met my current OH at a party and, for various reasons, he had to wait two weeks for my number (was not playing hard to get BTW). My point is he is that into me. He wanted me, he chased me and I never sit by the phone wondering why he hasn't called, because he is 100% straight up about his feelings. I've raised the He's Just Not idea with a few male friends and they all say if they are into a girl they will pursue her ie call her, fix times for dates etc as they want to be sure no-one else gets in there before them.
My point is wouldn't you prefer to wait to find someone like that who REALLY likes you rather than waiting and wondering if your first date is even a date? I think you are worth more than that. Its not about playing games, its about finding someone who is worthy of your time and this guy doesnt sound like he deserves you. Move on and don't chase him-maybe you'll meet someone else on the night with your mates!!

Em, but he did ask me out..... and made it clear it was a date. And renforced the date when I was last talking to him. And he is driving up here (3 hours away) and booking into a b&b in order to go on this date.

Hence why I'm confused.

He's made it clear he wants to see me, he's gone above and beyond his call of duty in order to ask me out. But I'm thinking maybe he got cold feet or met someone else. Or maybe he lost his phone/ran out of credit/was hammered when I sent it and doesn't remember getting it/forgot to reply.....or maybe he's just not eager to contact until we've met up and see if it's worth pursuing.....

I wasn't overthinking it initially but I am now! lol

opinion guy

lazygal wrote: »

Hi OP
Get yourself a copy of He's Just Not That Into You.
I was JUST like you, wondering why he didn't call or waiting to hear if a date would go ahead. Then I read that book and decided to cut the cr*p! I have found since then if a guy is interested he will call. I met my current OH at a party and, for various reasons, he had to wait two weeks for my number (was not playing hard to get BTW). My point is he is that into me. He wanted me, he chased me and I never sit by the phone wondering why he hasn't called, because he is 100% straight up about his feelings. I've raised the He's Just Not idea with a few male friends and they all say if they are into a girl they will pursue her ie call her, fix times for dates etc as they want to be sure no-one else gets in there before them.
My point is wouldn't you prefer to wait to find someone like that who REALLY likes you rather than waiting and wondering if your first date is even a date? I think you are worth more than that. Its not about playing games, its about finding someone who is worthy of your time and this guy doesnt sound like he deserves you. Move on and don't chase him-maybe you'll meet someone else on the night with your mates!!

Or on the flip side maybe a close relative of his went into hospital sick and he has been frantic with worry and his priorities understandably lie elsewhere and maybe a call from you at an opportune time might make the world of difference. I'm sorry but i just have no time for this read a book and it will give you the answers thing.

CDfm

opinion guy wrote: »

Or on the flip side maybe a close relative of his went into hospital sick and he has been frantic with worry and his priorities understandably lie elsewhere and maybe a call from you at an opportune time might make the world of difference. I'm sorry but i just have no time for this read a book and it will give you the answers thing.

Yup -there are plenty of speculative reasons - the most likely being dropping his phone down the toilet brushing his teeth:D

lazygal

ash23 wrote: »

Em, but he did ask me out..... and made it clear it was a date. And renforced the date when I was last talking to him. And he is driving up here (3 hours away) and booking into a b&b in order to go on this date.

Hence why I'm confused.

He's made it clear he wants to see me, he's gone above and beyond his call of duty in order to ask me out. But I'm thinking maybe he got cold feet or met someone else. Or maybe he lost his phone/ran out of credit/was hammered when I sent it and doesn't remember getting it/forgot to reply.....or maybe he's just not eager to contact until we've met up and see if it's worth pursuing.....

I wasn't overthinking it initially but I am now! lol

Ah now, come on! Lost his phone, no credit,....... insert other excuse here!!! There is no reason why he couldn't get in touch. I've never not heard from someone for any of those reasons-its because the guy was not interested!! Ash23, you give great advice lots of times here, but I think you need to let this one go....let him call you because I think you've done enough. If he's THAT interested he'll follow up to check times etc for date but in the meantime you could be missing out on someone else great because you're making excuses for this one!!! Find someone who doesn't leave you hanging is my answer!!!

CDfm

Lazygal - it could be his Mum with a Dublin girls speech or he may not want to appear too pushy.

I dont use facebook etc but maybe he is on your friends one etc. Its not stalking if he asked you out.

shellyboo

lazygal wrote: »

Ah now, come on! Lost his phone, no credit,....... insert other excuse here!!! There is no reason why he couldn't get in touch. I've never not heard from someone for any of those reasons-its because the guy was not interested!! Ash23, you give great advice lots of times here, but I think you need to let this one go....let him call you because I think you've done enough. If he's THAT interested he'll follow up to check times etc for date but in the meantime you could be missing out on someone else great because you're making excuses for this one!!! Find someone who doesn't leave you hanging is my answer!!!

Here, just because he hasn't text doesn't mean he's not interested. Stop ruining it on her and let her give the guy a chance! There's no harm in having a date with him before she writes him off totally, ffs. I'd hate to live my life that way, tbh.

ash23

shellyboo wrote: »

Here, just because he hasn't text doesn't mean he's not interested. Stop ruining it on her and let her give the guy a chance! There's no harm in having a date with him before she writes him off totally, ffs. I'd hate to live my life that way, tbh.

Tbh, this is the way I would usually be. Very "take no sh1t", get them before they get you type of person. I give guys a very hard time if I really like them. I made my ex chase me for over a year before I got with him. If I don't like a guy, then I'll take the crap but only out of boredom etc. And because I know that it isn't going to go anywhere. When I want something to happen, I am the b1tch, the one who doesn't call, who makes them do all the work.

It doesn't work though! Usually I get guys thinking I'm crazy for getting annoyed over minor things so early on.

My friends (after a few bottles of wine) decided an "intervention" was necessary and have told me I'm not to be so quick to tar them all with the same brush or write them off etc.

So I am trying.

shellyboo

ash23 wrote: »

My friends (after a few bottles of wine) decided an "intervention" was necessary and have told me I'm not to be so quick to tar them all with the same brush or write them off etc.

So I am trying.

Good for you See this as the first step. If it doesn't work out, it doesn't work out, but what have you got to lose by trying?! Nothing as far as I can see!

themusicman

Ash23

2 things.

As already said you give lots of good advice here to others so maybe trust your own instincts as others often think they are right.

Ring him, leave message if you have to, await reply and deal with reply or lack of then. Texts are unreliable for firm commitments imho, particularly as you need notice. It sounds like he is interested so give him a chance to reply to a voice not a beep.

And hope it all goes the way it seems you would like it to!

ash23

shellyboo wrote: »

Good for you See this as the first step. If it doesn't work out, it doesn't work out, but what have you got to lose by trying?! Nothing as far as I can see!

My dignity

Texted him at lunch. Just said "trying to book my babysitter, do you know roughly what time on friday you'll be arriving?"

He drives for a living so I don't anticipate a reply before tonight.


Someone above mentioned FB. He's not very tech minded. We had a discussion about internet dating and he said he doesn't own a pc :eek: (do those people exist lol).

opinion guy

ash23 wrote: »

Tbh, this is the way I would usually be. Very "take no sh1t", get them before they get you type of person. I give guys a very hard time if I really like them. I made my ex chase me for over a year before I got with him. If I don't like a guy, then I'll take the crap but only out of boredom etc. And because I know that it isn't going to go anywhere. When I want something to happen, I am the b1tch, the one who doesn't call, who makes them do all the work.

It doesn't work though! Usually I get guys thinking I'm crazy for getting annoyed over minor things so early on.

My friends (after a few bottles of wine) decided an "intervention" was necessary and have told me I'm not to be so quick to tar them all with the same brush or write them off etc.

So I am trying.

Hmmm I mean this in no way personally ash, but if i detect even a hint of this kind of thing from a girl I'll pretty much drop them straight away.

Not saying you are right or wrong, just trying to give you perspective from the other side - I have too many sources of stress already without having to deal with someone who treats me bitchy because they like me ?!?!

I guess what I'm saying is - this will drive the decent ones away. If a guy puts up with this - well it kinda says something about his self-esteem does it not ?

themusicman

ash23 wrote: »

My dignity

Texted him at lunch. Just said "trying to book my babysitter, do you know roughly what time on friday you'll be arriving?"

He drives for a living so I don't anticipate a reply before tonight.


Someone above mentioned FB. He's not very tech minded. We had a discussion about internet dating and he said he doesn't own a pc :eek: (do those people exist lol).

Whatever about the reply or lack of it book the babysitter anyway!

If he doesnt make it, love might just strike anyway!!!!!!! often does when you least expect it....i'm told

ash23

themusicman wrote: »

As already said you give lots of good advice here to others so maybe trust your own instincts as others often think they are right.

Thanks.
I'm one of those though. You know the ones? Can give wonderful advice about other peoples situations but their own lives are a shambles

If I read this on here my response would be

"God, he arranged a date, he's driving up to meet you and he actively asked you out. He just might have a life that doesn't revolve around his phone. Leave it for a few days and if he hasn't been in touch with you by Thursday then make other plans for yourself. If he calls be nice, just say you weren't sure if it was still going ahead. If he rearranges for another week, accept. It's just letting him know where you are at i.e. that you expect dates to be firmly arranged."

Sensible answer.

But because it's me, all I can feel is panic mixed with terror and an overwhelming fear of being made to look like a shmuck. :rolleyes:

shellyboo

ash23 wrote: »

My dignity

Texted him at lunch. Just said "trying to book my babysitter, do you know roughly what time on friday you'll be arriving?"

He drives for a living so I don't anticipate a reply before tonight.


Someone above mentioned FB. He's not very tech minded. We had a discussion about internet dating and he said he doesn't own a pc :eek: (do those people exist lol).

You don't lose your dignity over one phone call :P I know you're messing though.

If he's not technically minded and doesn't own a PC, I'd bet my life savings (which is nothing :P) on him not being a big texter. It's an inconvenience, sure, but Luddites need love too!

opinion guy wrote: »

Hmmm I mean this in no way personally ash, but if i detect even a hint of this kind of thing from a girl I'll pretty much drop them straight away.

Not saying you are right or wrong, just trying to give you perspective from the other side - I have too many sources of stress already without having to deal with someone who treats me bitchy because they like me ?!?!

I guess what I'm saying is - this will drive the decent ones away. If a guy puts up with this - well it kinda says something about his self-esteem does it not ?

I agree, but I think that's why ash is trying to change... and fair play to her

ash23

opinion guy wrote: »

Hmmm I mean this in no way personally ash, but if i detect even a hint of this kind of thing from a girl I'll pretty much drop them straight away.

Not saying you are right or wrong, just trying to give you perspective from the other side - I have too many sources of stress already without having to deal with someone who treats me bitchy because they like me ?!?!

I guess what I'm saying is - this will drive the decent ones away. If a guy puts up with this - well it kinda says something about his self-esteem does it not ?

Hence The Intervention (which involved hours of examples and even a diagram - man, we were drunk! ). For my own good apparantly.
But I'll get my ass kicked if I so much as mention the possibility of not going because he called too late. I fear The Intervention Part Deux which has been promised if I don't stop the meanie act. And I won't be allowed to get drunk at that one! :P

opinion guy

ash23 wrote: »

which involved hours of examples and even a diagram - man, we were drunk!

:eek::D I'm laughing at what might be on such a diagram hahaha
hahahaha
well i think you're doing good so far then. So we could say that this post is not so much about you asking what to do - cause you already know - but actually its about you trying a new approach and looking for moral support in trying something new....which we are happy to give

ash23

opinion guy wrote: »

:eek::D I'm laughing at what might be on such a diagram hahaha
hahahaha
well i think you're doing good so far then. So we could say that this post is not so much about you asking what to do - cause you already know - but actually its about you trying a new approach and looking for moral support in trying something new....which we are happy to give

It was some sort of venn diagram combining the traits of the men I have messed up with and the traits I want and the things I do to drive them away. It was very complicated and intricate and much too difficult for the 3 drunken fools sitting around the table so by the time it was finished it resembled 3 circus rings filled with stick men with various appendages


I'm the old dog, trying to learn some new tricks

LegacyUser

ash23 wrote: »

Tbh, this is the way I would usually be. Very "take no sh1t", get them before they get you type of person. I give guys a very hard time if I really like them. I made my ex chase me for over a year before I got with him. If I don't like a guy, then I'll take the crap but only out of boredom etc. And because I know that it isn't going to go anywhere. When I want something to happen, I am the b1tch, the one who doesn't call, who makes them do all the work.

It doesn't work though! Usually I get guys thinking I'm crazy for getting annoyed over minor things so early on.

My friends (after a few bottles of wine) decided an "intervention" was necessary and have told me I'm not to be so quick to tar them all with the same brush or write them off etc.

So I am trying.

Sorry to hijack I hope its ok. do girls actually do this? and if they are doing it how do you know theres a difference between them playing hard to get and just being plain not interested?

I only ask because I'm in the situation myself where I've been seeing quite a bit of an old flame and there's definitely charisma/sexual tension there. She wants to be on her own for now which I believe to be truth but wants to keep doing what we're doing (effectively flirting and hanging out) to see what happens.

Is she doing an "ash23"?

ash23

Insidetrack wrote: »

Sorry to hijack I hope its ok. do girls actually do this? and if they are doing it how do you know theres a difference between them playing hard to get and just being plain not interested?

I only ask because I'm in the situation myself where I've been seeing quite a bit of an old flame and there's definitely charisma/sexual tension there. She wants to be on her own for now which I believe to be truth but wants to keep doing what we're doing (effectively flirting and hanging out) to see what happens.

Is she doing an "ash23"?

Lol, I hope it doesn't become known as that!

Basically, I do it but mostly it's unintentional. In your situation, it's quite different to what I do. Your lady friend seems to want a f buddy scenario. Honestly, if I am into someone I want to be with them, be their girlfriend etc. I don't want to do f buddies. I only do that with guys I genuinely amn't interested in pursuing a relationship with.

What I was doing (am doing!) is being very demanding. Like if I'm out and he's thereI'll be over talking to my friends, he'll be at the bar and I'll ignore him until he comes over.
Or if he calls to cancel plans I basically finish it with him in temper even if the plans weren't concrete (for eg,he says "I might drop over later if I get out of work on time").
When i am with him I'll act aloof in front of my friends. No public displays of affection, telling him to do stuff (go to bar) and basically trying to act like I'm not into him. Being a complete and utter witch

Now, I have no real idea why I do this and I don't do it deliberately. I never tell my friends when I like someone. They usually think I don't like him but am just tolerating him. If they ask me whats going on with a guy I play it down and make out like he's more into me than I am into him.

I'm a mess and an idiot. Too many bad experiences. So I figure if I act like I don't like them then when they inevitably screw me over :rolleyes: I won't look like a fool. In my own mind anyway. Doesn't work though!