Crossdressing again...

Rionnat

Hi All,
A year or two ago I told my gf and now wife that I sometimes liked to cross dress. To prevent total met down I initially told her that was just messing around in lingerie, and I had started when I was a teenager. recently I told her that It goes further and that I sometimes like to get fully dressed. This went down a little worse but we tend not to mention it very often.

The problem is when the urge to dress comes along I get very uptight and feel as if I will burst if I cant talk to someone or get dressed up. I sometimes bring up the subject but more often then not the conversation ends as quickly as it starts.

I have atteneded counselling to help but it really hasn't got me anywhere. I dont know what I want from my wife when I raise the subject anyway...am I looking for acceptance, I just dont know.

I know my wife feels that when the urge pops up that I become very obsesive and tend to want to force the issue and this is getting us no where. My current workaround tends to rely on snatching moments en femme when home alone.

Has anyone any ideas or experience of crossdressing or similar issues in a relationship?

Thank you for reading this.

e04bf099

If you are that obsessive about it it is not just a bit of fun. Councelling is not about just showing up. You have to engage with the process thoroughly. Councellors want to help but they can't do the work for you and if they can't get somebody to open up they are happy to take their check.

To be so obsessive about it that you do it in secret when you KNOW it makes your wife uncomfortable (as it would 99.99% of women I suspect). Thats a disgraceful and it sounds like an addiction (not even close to an excuse).

BTW, I don't mean the act is wrong or anything, whatever floats your boat, I don't care. But you are so selfish.

Nevyn

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Thaedydal

minidazzler

e04bf099 wrote: »

If you are that obsessive about it it is not just a bit of fun. Councelling is not about just showing up. You have to engage with the process thoroughly. Councellors want to help but they can't do the work for you and if they can't get somebody to open up they are happy to take their check.

To be so obsessive about it that you do it in secret when you KNOW it makes your wife uncomfortable (as it would 99.99% of women I suspect). Thats a disgraceful and it sounds like an addiction (not even close to an excuse). I hope you're a rich man, because you need a lot of councelling.

BTW, I don't mean the act is wrong or anything, whatever floats your boat, I don't care. But you are so selfish.

Eh, no. It's his wife who is being a little selfish here. There is nothing wrong with a man dressing up if he so chooses. Calling him disgraceful, an addict and selfish will NOT help him at all.

OP, There is nothing wrong with crossdressing, and there is nothing wrong with you.

While I don't think you should keep secrets from your wife. Not doing this will eat you up. It's a release, we all have our own little things.

Do you need to leave the house to get your release? Or are you happy to do so within the confines of your house? Maybe you could discuss with your wife having 1 night a month or so where you can be whoever you want to be inside the house. She can go out maybe? But you can get it out of you.

It will be good for you.

If you enjoy something I don't see why you should sacrifice it. Your wife needn't see and she needn't approve, you just need her to not give out to you about it.

davyjose

Rionnat, you have to understand that this lifestyle choice may not be compatible with your married life. I can't quite understand this "compulsion" to need to do it, but it doesn't sound entirely healthy. I'm aware it's not a gay thing, or even a sexual thing, often, but if your wife is uncomfortable with it, then you either have to stop, or consider the ramifications it may have in your relationship.
it's a tough one, and I feel for you, but you need to understand that most women don't want their OH dressed as another chick. Can you blame them?

davyjose

minidazzler wrote: »

Eh, no. It's his wife who is being a little selfish here. There is nothing wrong with a man dressing up if he so chooses.

That's a load of crap. His girlfriend didn't sign up for a crossdresser - she's perfectly within her rights to object. If the OP wanted he could sacrifice the relationship in order to dress this way - he hasn't done this; don't blame his OH on that.

minidazzler

davyjose wrote: »

That's a load of crap. His girlfriend didn't sign up for a crossdresser - she's perfectly within her rights to object. If the OP wanted he could sacrifice the relationship in order to dress this way - he hasn't done this; don't blame his OH on that.

Very true, his girlfriend didn't. But when she MARRIED him and became his WIFE, she knew he was a cross dresser.

In a marriage, you accept the bad iwth the good, I am not saying Crossdressing is bad here though, but she knew he liked it.

cafecolour

I think all couples need some alone time. Crossdressing is just what you'd like to do in yours, versus obsessively watching the latest football news

I wouldn't really expect her to participate, but you could just agree to start having alone time - ie you have a cinema night with the lads once a fortnight and give her an eve to herself and she does the same for you. You don't have to explicitly state what you're going to do on the eve, she can likely guess and it'll be left at that.

If you have kids though, that'll get much more complicated.

davyjose

minidazzler wrote: »

Very true, his girlfriend didn't. But when she MARRIED him and became his WIFE, she knew he was a cross dresser.

In a marriage, you accept the bad iwth the good, I am not saying Crossdressing is bad here though, but she knew he liked it.

Sorry, I didn't realise he was married. I still disagree with you though. The OP married his wife knowing she was against his crossdressing, so who fooled who?

You can't criticise his wife for being uncomfortable that her husband dresses as a lady. She's not being particularly unreasnable or unusual in that.

minidazzler

davyjose wrote: »

Sorry, I didn't realise he was married. I still disagree with you though. The OP married his wife knowing she was against his crossdressing, so who fooled who?

You can't criticise his wife for being uncomfortable that her husband dresses as a lady. She's not being particularly unreasnable or unusual in that.

I;m not criticising her for being uncomfortable with it. I am criticising her for denying him something he has every right to do.

She is being totally unreasonable, what he wants to do harms NOONE. There is no mention of kids so NOONE gets hurt.

She may not like it, but she has totally denied him the right to do it.

She should at least allow him do it in Private, there is no need for her to be there, just let him do what he pleases.

prinz

minidazzler wrote: »

She may not like it, but she has totally denied him the right to do it.
She should at least allow him do it in Private, there is no need for her to be there, just let him do what he pleases.

Since that is what he is currently doing obviously that's a moot point. IMO sounds like the OP wants to get her involved in it, and it's perfectly normal for her to be as uninterested as he is interested.He feels the need to "talk to someone" i.e. presumably the wife, about it, and do it on the spot at the time. If she doesn't want to be involved or included then go her.

By the by he only told her recently he goes the whole way so to speak, to prevent the very reaction he seems to have gotten. So yes, he should have been totally upfront on his fetish, and not tried to pass it off as a bit of fun or a bit of a lark that he does sometimes for the hell of it. You may marry someone and find out later they are a closet alcoholic, whereas you thought they liked a few drinks for fun. Excusing it as 'well she married him, therefore she must have known the full facts' is wrong as the OP plainly points out he misled/misinformed her to prevent a negative reaction.

minidazzler

prinz wrote: »

Since that is what he is currently doing obviously that's a moot point. IMO sounds like the OP wants to get her involved in it, and it's perfectly normal for her to be as uninterested as he is interested.He feels the need to "talk to someone" i.e. presumably the wife, about it, and do it on the spot at the time. If she doesn't want to be involved or included then go her.

By the by he only told her recently he goes the whole way so to speak, to prevent the very reaction he seems to have gotten. So yes, he should have been totally upfront on his fetish, and not tried to pass it off as a bit of fun or a bit of a lark that he does sometimes for the hell of it. You may marry someone and find out later they are a closet alcoholic, whereas you thought they liked a few drinks for fun. Excusing it as 'well she married him, therefore she must have known the full facts' is wrong as the OP plainly points out he misled/misinformed her to prevent a negative reaction.

I can see your point, but I still feel the OP the only thing the OP did wrong was Underexagerate how far he goes when dressing up.

Other than that, I don't think he did anything wrong.

prinz

minidazzler wrote: »

I can see your point, but I still feel the OP the only thing the OP did wrong was Underexagerate how far he goes when dressing up.

Other than that, I don't think he did anything wrong.

Other than that there is no issue .. he hasn't done anything wrong besides that, well he also it seems understated his interest in it. i.e. describing it as "messing around".


You can't expect her to be over the moon, or want to be involved/present. So he does it when he's home alone, everybody's happy, or everybody should be. He wants something from his OH but he doesn't know what it is yet. Sounds to me from the post it's that he wants wifey to be as interested in his crossdressing as he is. Not going to happen, if she isn't, she just isn't.

minidazzler

prinz wrote: »

Other than that there is no issue .. he hasn't done anything wrong besides that, well he also it seems understated his interest in it. i.e. describing it as "messing around".


You can't expect her to be over the moon, or want to be involved/present. So he does it when he's home alone, everybody's happy, or everybody should be. He wants something from his OH but he doesn't know what it is yet. Sounds to me from the post it's that he wants wifey to be as interested in his crossdressing as he is. Not going to happen, if she isn't, she just isn't.

I can't see what you are on about with this. He mentioned nothing about wanting her involved. Maybe he wants to talk to her about it, but isn't marriage about communication?

prinz

minidazzler wrote: »

I can't see what you are on about with this. He mentioned nothing about wanting her involved. Maybe he wants to talk to her about it, but isn't marriage about communication?

They have talked about it. According to the wife the OP becomes obsessive and forces the issue, that's not communication, and as he rightly points out that will get them nowhere. Perhaps the OP could clarify exactly what/why it he wants to talk to her about?

He describes wanting to talk about it when he gets the "urge" to crossdress. Hardly seems an appropriate time to have a rational and mature conversation on working out a compromise or solution.

e04bf099

This is where I'm coming from. You can say it is baseless because I can't back it up with objective facts, but that would be naive (not that it can't be rebuked, just not that way). I think a huge amount of what we wear is about communication. I am not much of a behaviourist. Not all clothes are there to communicate something, we wear a lot of clothes because they are comfortable or because we think we have to wear them. But cross-dressing is the epitomy of dressing to communicate something, which is where the "urge" comes from. So thats where my advice comes from. OP, mine wasn't an irrelevant post. I couldn't give advice without drawing on my own experience, that would be impossible even if I tried to.

There are two issues here.
1) He was ashamed of it, maybe not morally, but in the sense that he thought that other people wouldn't approve. This is a hang-up that you need to get over. The act itself doesn't hurt anybody directly, so do whatever you want in that regard. Its clear you feel ashamed and that shame has indirectly caused the dilemna you are in now.

2) And this is the more important issue. You rarely discuss this with your wife. She thought it was a minor excentricity concerning women's underwear and "RECENTLY" (it helps to read the OP's posts instead of being so unbelievably partial. This isn't a debate about the rightness or wrongness of cross-dressing after all) was shocked to find out, after they married (I think thats a very safe bet even though he didn't say it explicitly) that he takes it further than that. Minidazzler, you are presuming an unreasonable amount about his wife. When did he say she denied it of him. She shut down the conversation as it made her uncomfortable. She might feel deceived and is totally confused as to how to handle it. When you feel deceived by somebody then rarely is it your first impulse to talk it through with them. When trust is broken it needs to built back up, and him trying to negotiate some kind of compromise (which basically adds up to exactly the way it is now, btw. She is concerned that he does it in the first place, not when/where he does it) might not be her primary concern.

Take cafecolour's football news analogy. Imagine a woman hated football so much that she couldn't stand her spouse watching it or checking the updates even when alone. That might seem unreasonable, and it is. But, if she said this explicitly years before marrying somebody and said that she couldn't marry someone that wouldn't agree to this, and the husband said "ok no problem, I definitely won't watch any football ever again". Subsequently, the new husband breaks that promise. Who is in the wrong, the demanding, unreasonable wife, or the husband that breaks his promise? And here is where my argument might break down. OP, your wife didn't make it explicit that she wasn't comfortable with your cross-dressing. So do you think that that means that SHE is selfish now that it turns out it makes her uncomfortable. Maybe she should have made it explicit if it distresses her so (and she has every right to feel uncomfortable about it). Personally, I think it is a reasonable assumption that it is usually taken for granted by women that their fiances don't cross-dress, and it is also a reasonable assumption that some women (however unreasonable) wouldn't want to be married to a cross-dresser. That is their choice, after all. So while it was not made explicit, it was obviously (and to you especially, otherwise you'd have mentioned it) a piece of information that would potentially effect her decision to marry you. That is why you are selfish. You chose your own security over respect for your wife and her right to marry a cross-dresser or not.

You said yourself that you played with the truth a little the first time you brought it out in the open.

To prevent total met down I initially told her that was just messing around in lingerie, and I had started when I was a teenager.

Who's melt down, your's, her's or your relationship?

Sooo, OP, it is your job to fix this, not your wives. I think you want to communicate something and you are not aware of what that is. That is my unprofessional/reasonable opinion, based on what I said at the start and that is why you need to go to councelling and properly engage with the councellor. You said yourself,

when the urge to dress comes along I get very uptight and feel as if I will burst if I cant talk to someone or get dressed up.

So man up and go talk it out. It will take a while, but, unless your wife forgives you; and you have no right to expect that of her; that is totally at her disgression (unless my line of reasoning is off), then it is your moral and marital responsibility to put everything you possibly can into councelling in order to understand your compulsion and the underlying reasons for it (and there always are reasons), with a mind to discussing it with your wife once she is comfortable to.

That is the best I can do. It isn't partial at least.

Rionnat

Just to say thank you to every one for their comments.

In my defence can I say If this was something I do for kicks or is easy for me I wouldn't be looking for your opinion. I fully understand that this is not somthing my wife agreed and bought into on day 1, but it is there and I have not been able to come around it.

The truth is when I dont have the urge or compulsion I can not bring my self to think about it. It's embarrasing and totally out of caracter as I would be otherwise very reserved in everyway. Hence it is not easy to discuss when I'm more rational and less compulsive.

On the subject of couselling, I attended psycotherapy for ~3 to 4 months about two years ago and delved in every corner of my childhood and current life. The therapist and I discussed a variety of possibles as to why I ended up where I am. Knowing these reasons made me feel more comfortable knowing that I was not the only halfbaked fool wanting to wear a dress, but withtime the anguish when the need to dress arises is difficult to deal with. To give you an exmaple of how this can take over the other day I was traffic and saw wedding guests going into a church. Normal guys would be admring the talent, I was looking at their dresses and choosing what I would like to wear...pure madness.

My relationship is great in everyway and I know I should have been more up front about it early on. But this still doesn't get me past where I currently am.

When I get the urge to dress and I grab time to myself it is wonderful, but if there was a way to stop this after 27 years I would do what ever it would take.

If anyone has suggestions on possible routes to take I would be grateful.

Thank you once again.

Peggypeg

Ah Big hug to you, that sounds like an awful dilema to be in, but is it really? I don't think so, it's not like you have an urge to set fire to stuff. I think going to see a counseller again could help alot. Also maybe write your wife a letter? You could just put her mind at ease, i.e. that you're not gay, I'm pretty clueless about this stuff but that's what I would be worrying about if my bf wanted to cross dress. If you write her a letter she can take her time reading it and you can take your time writing it so it won't go awol and over emotional. You could tell her when it started, what it envolves, what you get out of it (i.e. you feel more relaxed after) etc. And you could suggest a "dress night", a night when she goes to the cinema/drinks with the girls and you get the house to yourself to dress up? Mostly I would concentrating on putting her mind at ease, she probably doesn't want to talk about it because she might be afraid you're going to say you want sex with men, she might be wondering what else you're into - I think communication is the key to sorting this out, consider writing the letter.

prinz

Rionnat wrote: »

When I get the urge to dress and I grab time to myself it is wonderful, but if there was a way to stop this after 27 years I would do what ever it would take..

As long as you're not trying to force it on your wife in any way then why not continue and try to work something out with her? You seem to have some deep shame associated with it, which you probably shouldn't. Take your alone time and enjoy.

Rionnat wrote: »

If anyone has suggestions on possible routes to take I would be grateful.
Thank you once again.

Try and talk about, even if you feel you can't. It will have to be done.

e04bf099

Rionnat wrote: »

the other day I was traffic and saw wedding guests going into a church. Normal guys would be admring the talent, I was looking at their dresses and choosing what I would like to wear...pure madness.

HA! Ok, I know this is a serious issue and I don't mean this in an offensive way (Seriously, I don't, I'm really giving the advice I think you need to hear as oppose to want to hear) but that was funny. I'm sure you were laughing when you wrote that and my sides were splitting when I read it.

My advice is, when you finally tell your wife, give her that example. Laughter is the best medicine. I predict that you will both be rolling around together having a good laugh about it some time in the future.

And ~3-4 months isn't very long in councelling or psychotherapy. Often sessions that you consider helpful or useful as a client/patient, are practically useless because we start off telling people what we think they want to here, as opposed to what we need to say. So when we paint a nice picture of ourselves and the therapist seems to take it in and believe you, as they must in order for you to build up trust in him/her, then we come out feeling "refreshed" and a little chuffed. But all that has happened is our ego has gotten a boost because it is getting a free ride. When we say the things out loud that we have repressed it isn't pleasant. It doesn't make us feel good, like some telecoms ad[It's good to talk] BS. We might get a relief, but that takes time also. Sometimes we get moments of clarity when some inner contradiction been dismantled and coherently restructured by the craft that is a proper therapy session. These crucial times can happen over a single session or they can happen over a longer period and it is awful if it lasts very long because they are extremely turbulent times. Imagine the ground beneath your feet disolving into an abyss and all the time you are struggling to find the ground (the "ground" being kinda like a clear and consistent course of action.)

After 4 months you should be getting ready to challenge the real issues and I'd say you bailed at the wrong time (for whatever reason, fear, financial issues, I don't presume to know). Hard to hear, and I know I could be wrong, but take it or leave it, thats my advice.

Good-luck anyha;)

Oh The Humanity

Rionnat wrote: »

My relationship is great in everyway and I know I should have been more up front about it early on. But this still doesn't get me past where I currently am.

Ok, you are looking for honesty and communication from her BUT simultaneously you gloss over the fact that you misled her. That is the elephant in the room you are trying not to see.

And why did you mislead her?

Because it suited you at the time.

Now, you have her trapped. She is married to you. Only now you decide to go for full discolure? Why?

Because it suits you. again. At the moment you have a need to talk about it and that is what is motivating you to bring your wife in. Your needs.

You are expecting her to just negate her own needs in favour of yours.
She had the right to know the whole lot before you married her. It may or may not have made a difference, but you took the choice away from her.

Sneaky.

You won't be able to make progress until you fully acknowledge that you in no way fully disclosed to your wife (then girlfriend) who you really are and that you ignored her rights in favour of yourself.

You manipulated her. I can see why she is not interested in engaging with you. You concealed a material fact from her. That is not something most people will take lightly.

e04bf099 nails it above.

Moomoo1

I find your wife's position on this very strange. Surely if you love someone, and that someone happens to posess a (totally harmless) preoccupation, then you should embrace that rather than criticise that?

I don't buy the 'misleading' stuff either. Fact is, cross-dressers are an unfairly prejudiced-against minority, and need to be able to avoid being discriminated against in every way they can. He couldn't have told her he was a crossdresser on the first date, could he?

pisslips

Yeah I'm confused, if she loves him then how does him wearing a skirt make her not love him?

Is it public perception and stigma she is afraid off?
Are the clothes you wear that important?

this is who he is, if she doesn't accept that then she doesn't love him.

e04bf099

Moomoo1 wrote: »

I find your wife's position on this very strange. Surely if you love someone, and that someone happens to posess a (totally harmless) preoccupation, then you should embrace that rather than criticise that?

I don't buy the 'misleading' stuff either. Fact is, cross-dressers are an unfairly prejudiced-against minority, and need to be able to avoid being discriminated against in every way they can. He couldn't have told her he was a crossdresser on the first date, could he?

I didn't want to get back into this, but I'm sick in bed and my busy-body-know-it-all nature (its a curse, seriously, I'm a victim!) just can't let you away with this one.

As I said before, and this is quite clear if you think about the OP's dilemna, is that this has nothing to do with cross-dressing and everything to do with deceit. You are obviously partial. It doesn't matter if he rock-climbs or smokes or juggles, if that thing is a potential deal breaker for a woman (and I'd like to see a poll on that - even if it is only 10% of women, and I suspect it is higher, that would not marry a cross-dresser, thats a significant amount of women and he didn't try to make sure she wasn't part of that 10%, so he mislead her.)

He couldn't have told her he was a crossdresser on the first date, could he?

and we all know that weddings happen pretty much the day after first dates, without any courting process or informal negociations of terms and conditions.

Now, back to that crazy e-mails website... there are less crazy people there. (Not you OP!)

Moomoo1

IF he had a serious inclination that her knowing about the extent of her cross-dressing would break them up then he was totally right to keep schtum about it. In a way, he was protecting her from her own prejudices and set ideas:D.

pisslips

I would hope that there is more depth to the relationship of a married couple than to be so willing to break up over something so small.

Whatever most women would accept BEFORE marriage, it has no real relevance to someone in a relationship with someone they apparently love.

I'm sure that most women would also like to be with a physically fit man too but if the man piled on a few pounds a year into the marriage would his spouse, if she actually loved him, get really pissed off with him and make him feel like ****?

If she was more open minded and less hung up on shallow perceptions, she might enjoy getting emotionally closer to him by sharing that world with him.
If anything it's a great oppertunity for her to make a stronger connection if she want to.

He has not been deceitfull, he told her before, he probably thought he could control the situation but obviously he can't. I guess he figured that the emotional conection he shared with the one he loved might be more important than whether he wears a skirt or a pair of trousers.

It is weird like for me too becuase I'm not exposed to that but thats all it is a bit weird, who's normal?

It's not deceitfull, we all hide small things even from ourselves.

Ahsurelookit

I really feel for you OP, you seem so confused and ashamed of your "urge" to dress in females clothes. I think that perhaps you should continue with conselling, not to "cure" yourself of the urges but in order to overcome the shame you are feeling and to help you come to terms with the crossdressing urges it instead of repressing them.

I feel your wife may be confused and fearful that one day you may want to live as a woman or be with other men, and thats not what she signed up for when she married you. And IMO until you learn to deal with your feelings I dont believe you can really ease your wifes fears.

Just to add, I read about a particular case where a man had been crossdressing and after tests it was discovered that he had lower than average levels of testosterone, he like yourself had no idea why he felt the urge to dress in womens clothes from time to time, perhaps you could enquire about it with your doctor. (Im not saying this is the case for all men who like to crossdress)

Rionnat

Ok, I hid the truth about my urge that is true and I understand that this wasn't the best thing to have done. But please remember that I have been hiding this from the age of 10. It's not really something that you can share with you dont know what the hell you are doing....

From all your posts I get the feeling that going back to counselling is the option at this stage. It just worries me what I hope to get out of it. If it brings an end to the stress and mental torture brought on by the urge to dress then yes it would be worth it.

Thanks everyone for your comments and at least my wedding story has given somone a laugh, unfortunately it gets me thinking about that little white coast dress again, and that is very sad!

e04bf099

Rionnat wrote: »

Thanks everyone for your comments and at least my wedding story has given somone a laugh, unfortunately it gets me thinking about that little white coast dress again, and that is very sad!

You thinking about that little white coast dress is not as sad as the fact that you didn't find that funny.

It is quite clear that you don't know yourself. You painted a picture for your wife and left out some relevant aspects of your character.

I hid the truth about my urge that is true and I understand that this wasn't the best thing to have done. But please remember that I have been hiding this from the age of 10. It's not really something that you can share with you dont know what the hell you are doing....

You say you recognise your deceit, but do you really. You are still trying to justify it. Marraige isn't something that everybody does. It isn't something you are entitled to. A wife isn't a birth right. It was supposed to be her free choice to marry you and yours to marry her. But by deceiving her you took away an aspect of that free choice. YOU determined what was best for both of you, instead of consulting her thoughts or what she felt about marrying a cross-dresser. THAT WAS NOT YOUR RIGHT! It doesn't matter how long you've been hiding it. Marrying someone is supposed to entail knowledge of your spouse as much as possible. You decided it wasn't best for YOU/her that she should know. If you couldn't be honest with her you shouldn't have married her. Luckilly for you, you've only been married for a short time and you have a good chance of making amends.

But you ask people now to...

please remember that I have been hiding this from the age of 10. It's not really something that you can share with you dont know what the hell you are doing....

You don't know what you are doing. That is what you have to find out when you go to councelling. That isn't for YOUR sake

It is clear that you haven't really grasped the legitimate advice here. There are some posters here poking and prodding you into further disrespecting your wife. That is not a good idea but you are still going down that path.

It just worries me what I hope to get out of it. If it brings an end to the stress and mental torture brought on by the urge to dress then yes it would be worth it.

You, in the undercurrent of this thread, are still worried about the right/wrong of cross-dressing. But cross-dressing is an expression of something else and you are trying to deny whatever that is. You're ashamed of something about yourself. But in a way that isn't the point because it isn't your right to hide whatever it is you are hiding. The fact that you'd be ashamed enough to hide it from the person you made vows to is the really shameful thing. You just can't see it because you are too busy defending and protecting yourself.

Man-up and don't let your selfishness engrave your tomb-stone.

pisslips

For god's sake that chances of him being concious of his fear and shame are very slim. He doesn't have a clue what he's afraid of. We all have deep rooted fears we compensate for that we know nothing about.

Sure he should go for councselling.

Like as I see it, he should cross dress. He should not stay in a marriage if it completely restricts his ability to express himself the way he wants to. But if he can save the marriage and do both then so be it.

It's still his life, his choice, he should still put his own sanity first.

Despite the deceit, although we all decieve and hide our shame, his first priority is still himself. What good is a marriage if he's jumping from a bridge in 5 years because he's repressed his true personality?

Life is all about discovery, it takes time, nobody really fully knows themselves. This is something he has to deal with and face not to defeat it but to make it part of who he is and understand why it's part of him.

It's not even a big deal. People face much worse things all the time and come through it, if you can't get through this together well then maybe it's for the best.

It'll never go away, he can't ignore it for the rest of his life. those urges need to be embraced and maybe then you'll get over it or not, it shouldn't really matter. It's his life, he deserves to be happy.

Spastafarian

Holy fuck there are some retards on here. e04bf099, I can only assume you're a 10 year old. He doesn't need counselling. He likes to wear womens clothes? So what? I like to collect mustard. Do I need counselling? How about some electro-shock therapy to get him into some dungarees?

If your wife is getting that upset about what you wear, then you should probably let her know that she likes to wear the same shit herself. It's CLOTHES people! Some people wear a T-Shirt and jeans, some people wear tracksuits, some people wear football jerseys, and some people wear crap they don't want to wear because what they want to wear is taboo.

I have bear slippers and underpants with little elephants on them.

e04bf099

Pisslips and Spastafarian, do you hate his wife? Do you hate women and think they should be taught what the correct emotions are. Obviously discomfort is the wrong emotional reaction to a husbands cross-dressing. Surely if people don't know how to be reasonable and rational they should be forced. "We will force you to be free" as Robespierre might proclaim.

I would hope that there is more depth to the relationship of a married couple than to be so willing to break up over something so small.

He should not stay in a marriage if it completely restricts his ability to express himself the way he wants to. But if he can save the marriage and do both then so be it.

Your point, Pisslips, is that if she divorces him it is her fault for not loving him enough to get past the "small" matter of him wearing women's clothes. Conversely, over the same, suddenly much more important issue of him wearing women's clothes, he should divorce her in triumph and freedom from tyranny, prejudice and ignorance. In which case the condemnation so firmly laid at her door, just two breaths past, of not being loving enough, has strangely no relevance.

Your real reason for saying this is obvious. That reason is, of course, that it is HIS life, not hers, and HIS marraige, not hers, and HIS clothes, not...

He has not been deceitfull, he told her before

Despite the deceit, although we all decieve and hide our shame, his first priority is still himself.

You don't care about her at all! That is why you can't possibly add anything helpful here. You can't give any legitimate advice. You are a ignorant to the point of negligence. You don't think she is important but guess what Pisslips... OP DOES!!!

This is a relationship issues. He could very easilly have put this thread in with the personal issues if he'd wanted to. But he didn't, because despite his deceit, he cares for and loves his wife and wants to reconcile his fetish with his female.

This isn't a game. This isn't a competition to see who can get the OP to do what they want him to do. Don't start messing with people's narrative reason if you're not gonna reason anything through yourself.

Spastafarian, you haven't even the faintest idea what you're talking about. I can't believe I have to explain these things to another retard. If he was comfortable wearing womens clothes in public or had a comfortable place to do it then that would be fine, he wouldn't need councelling. As I have said a thousand times, it is my opinion that there is nothing wrong with men wearing womens clothes.

Unfortunately, because you're a retard and didn't read the thread, you didn't quite grasp the fact that the OP is deeply ashamed of wanting to wear womens clothes. He also can't speak to his wife about it, for two reasons. 1) He can only speak of it in an erratic compulsive manner & 2) his wife shuts down because she isn't comfortable with it.

That said, the best way for him to understand what he is doing, in order to help him speak about it with his wife is to go to councelling.

I know I sound like a demented bat with how intense I'm getting about this. But f&%k-it:cool:, I give good, reasoned & considered advice and I don't need to be called a retard for it.

Spastafarian, if you have any comments on what I have, please read the previous posts first. On second thoughts, don't. It would take you far too long and you probably have homework to do or something.

Taltos

OP,

I have read and re-read some of the above posts - hope you are still here.

I am going to try to keep this simple.
Try to talk to your wife again, keep re-assuring her that you love her. Also explain that while you thought you had this under control when the stress levels build it is an instant release for you and under no circumstances does it change how you feel about her.
Also apologise profusely for not being totally open with her. I think most people can understand that fear is a great motivator. Fear of rejection. Fear of her leaving you.
Finally - if she does have an issue with you doing this in your home - who knows maybe she just cannot handle it. Suggest then that when the pressure does build to this level that you will book yourself into a cheap hotel. Or alternatively offer a trade-off - after each time you feel the urge you treat her to something she really wants.

Obsessions can be funny things - by denying yourself this outlet you are instead causing internal pressures to build. This is not good for you, your relationships or your health. Don't wait so long, try to find a compromise, no matter how small. But pressure / stress is a killer.

Silverfish

Abusive posting is not permitted on the PI forums.

Please read the charter before posting.

If you have an issue with a post, report it, do not resort to insults.

Thank you.

pisslips

e04bf099 wrote: »

Your point, Pisslips, is that if she divorces him it is her fault for not loving him enough to get past the "small" matter of him wearing women's clothes. Conversely, over the same, suddenly much more important issue of him wearing women's clothes, he should divorce her in triumph and freedom from tyranny, prejudice and ignorance. In which case the condemnation so firmly laid at her door, just two breaths past, of not being loving enough, has strangely no relevance.

THe point I am making is that while this cross-dressing has a major impact on his life and is clearly important to him and his future happiness, he must accept it and include it as part of his life, so he can move on and be a contructive member of society.
My related point is, that if she loves him, she should be willing to see this. He will not be able to live a happy productive life, if he doesn't face and incorporate these new facets of his character.He did not choose to have these urges or desires any more than she chose for him to have them. He is not selfishly or purposely hurting her.

Ideally they both need to compromise but she is not compromising one bit, she won't even discuss it. She's obviously in denial that it's even happening. But it is and it exists and he has to do it. If he doesn't cross dress or find another outlet, then their relationship will be ruined for sure.

Your real reason for saying this is obvious. That reason is, of course, that it is HIS life, not hers, and HIS marraige, not hers, and HIS clothes, not...

You don't care about her at all! That is why you can't possibly add anything helpful here

You don't care about him at all. This is his relationship issue, isn't it?
Or is it yours?

Anyway, this doesn't help the OP, so I'm sorry. I won't speculate on e04bf099's motive. I wasn't even refering to other posters before this. In fact, you can ignore everything I said if you want, the truth is I don't care, thats why it's a usefull impartial opinion.