Why is the wedding name change thing such a big issue?

esharknz

I'm getting married shortly, and have decided to retain my birth name, for a number of reasons.

Why do people always have an opinion on what you should do with your name even after you've told them your decision?

Why do some act as if I'm some monster for not changing my name. I don't see how it affects them. It's not like I'm telling them they should keep their birth name.

Any thoughts?

Birdie086

I think there is just a problem in general in Ireland where people seem to think they have to right to have an opinion on everything people do, always commenting even down to what you have for dinner.
Personally I would change my name but I don't think it's an issue, us ladies should be able to retain our birth names without any issue.

Das Kitty

I got similar reactions when I did change my name. Complete horror from a few people!

People are just nosy nobbers. Now that I'm pregnant I'm getting even more wonderful opinions from people. I never thought so many people would be utterly shocked that we found out the gender last week. They're apalled! LOL.

esharknz

I'm starting to think you are damned if you do and damned if you don't!

Congratulations on the baby. I'm sure I'll be soon hearing opinions as to when we should try for a baby.

thorbarry

I think its just tradition, most people expect it. Like if you wore a bright red dress to the wedding, people would have something to say about that too

*can i post here lol

Morgase

I think a lot of people, even younger people, in Ireland are very old-fashioned without realising it. They do things "just because it's tradition and that's how it's always been done." And because women always took their husband's name, they cannot get their heads around why some women do not want to change their name.

Personally I would not change my name. But then I don't believe in marriage for myself anyway so it's not really a problem!

Das Kitty, grats on the baby Why are people appalled that you know the gender?

JimiTime

From a Christian POV, marriage is about two becoming one. One heart, one mind, one wallet:) etc. It follows on that you are under one name. Different strokes for different folks though. It was important to me that my wife take on my name, and there was no issue anyway. I have to admit, it would be personally a problem if my wife wouldn't take on my name. Though, others don't see it that way. She got the 'You mean you're changing your name' thing off some of her friends. I think with alot of blokes, it feels like a bit of a lack of commitment that their wife to be wont change take on his name. Who knows.

As a matter of curiosity, why would you not take on your husbands name?

Das Kitty

Morgase wrote: »

Why are people appalled that you know the gender?

"I think that's wrong, it should be left up to God" -My granny
"Can't believe you asked, did you not want a surprise on the day?" - About 10 different people.

Lads, we have the technology! I usually ask them to name one reason not to find out, and surprise on the day isn't a reason cause it's just as much of a surprise on the scan day.

I do also have a friend who would have been apalled if we didn't ask, he told his SIL she was stupid not to!

No matter what you do someone will give you guff.

bronte

JimiTime wrote: »

From a Christian POV, marriage is about two becoming one. One heart, one mind, one wallet:) etc. It follows on that you are under one name. Different strokes for different folks though. It was important to me that my wife take on my name, and there was no issue anyway. I have to admit, it would be personally a problem if my wife wouldn't take on my name. Though, others don't see it that way. She got the 'You mean you're changing your name' thing off some of her friends. I think with alot of blokes, it feels like a bit of a lack of commitment that their wife to be wont change take on his name. Who knows.

As a matter of curiosity, why would you not take on your husbands name?

If it's about 'becoming one' methinks I'd be rather insistent that he took my name to be perfectly honest.

b3t4

JimiTime wrote: »

As a matter of curiosity, why would you not take on your husbands name?

I won't be changing my name as it's my name.

Generally, the sort of men who'd be very adamant that a woman take his name wouldn't hear of changing their names. That logic fails me.

In my opinion, women and men are free to do as they see fit with their names, if they are to get married.

I no longer assume that either party will have the same name after marriage and will ask what they are choosing to do. Saves me making an ejit of myself

Manic Moran

I usually ask them to name one reason not to find out, and surprise on the day isn't a reason cause it's just as much of a surprise on the scan day.

From my perspective, it's a case of 'what difference does it make?' It's not as if I'd go "Egads, it's the wrong gender. Quick, exchange it for the right one!" As I often say, there's no point in being concerned about things you can't control. I can't think of any reason not to know, but I can't think of any particular reason one should know, either. Besides, it doubles the fun in arguing over the name.

NTM (Interloper)

nesbitt

I did not take husbands name when I got married. I wanted to use double barrelled name. The reason being my eldest daughter has my sirname and I wanted to include her in my new name. I did not want to have to explain to every ejjit that I would be dealing with why she had one sirname and the rest of the family had another so I felt the double barrelled name would sort all that crap.

Anyway he had huge issue with double barrelled name, and said that I should take just his name, thus isolating my eldest girl so I kept my own name. I was damned if I did and damned if I didn't.

Ah sure were separated now so the little warning bell in my head about all the name stuff was just the tip of the iceberg with his lordship.:)

Remember there is no legal requirement to take man's sirname, if you buck tradition you will always create debate. Do what suits you girls and damn the begrudgers....

Das Kitty

Manic Moran wrote: »

From my perspective, it's a case of 'what difference does it make?' It's not as if I'd go "Egads, it's the wrong gender. Quick, exchange it for the right one!" As I often say, there's no point in being concerned about things you can't control. I can't think of any reason not to know, but I can't think of any particular reason one should know, either. Besides, it doubles the fun in arguing over the name.

NTM (Interloper)

We had one particular reason to find out, we didn't wasn't to be calling him 'it' and alternating between him and her was getting a bit stupid. I was also a bit detached from the whole thing so finding out meant I could think about "my son" not the generic "baby" helped me and my OH a lot.

That was our personal reason. Anyway even if we didn't want to find out it was pretty evident!

whitelightrider

We got married last year and for some reason I kept asking "when are you gona change your name?". We had this talk a few times and it kept coming back to the fact that she was a teacher and they knew her by her maiden name etc.
To be honest I stopped asking because I actually think it makes no difference. She's my wife. We are one in mind, heart and wallet . Its only a name and Im just happy to be married to this amazing woman.

We might have to look at things if we start a family but thats a bridge we'll cross down the line.

Trix

well if me and my boyfriend ever get married i certainly won't be taking his name. His surname rhymes with my first name so it sounds completely ridiculous .it gets a great laugh when i point it out to people.
however i don't like the idea of our children having a different surname to me so might go with double barrel.

ManFromAtlantis

agree completly with op. why would u change your name.
its funny but in my opinion its oftren women who have a problem with it rather than men. i cant understand that.
maybe they feel threatened or insecure.
i would alway respect a woman who kept her name. shame on any man that expects a woman to change if she doesnt want to. but if women wnt to change it the by all means go for it.

i suppose there are certain women who just cant wait to 'be mrs. joe soap' and thats fine you dont go around saying 'blah blah u shouldnt do that' but on the other hand why do people feel the need to be narky on your decision.

its usually associated with well educated, secure, confident women so
sock it to them.

panda100

My name is my identity,it is who I am. I do not see why I would have to take my husbands name and his identity when I get married. I am proud of my family and where I come from and will not be giving up my name.

I also get very annoyed when forms do not have a 'Ms' option to tick.
Why is it always a 'Miss' or 'Mrs'? Why is a women's marital status so important and relevant yet a man can always be 'Mr'?

Its these types of 'traditions' that conclude to me that it is still a very patriarchal society we live in

sam34

if i ever marry, (which is unlikely), there is no way i'll be changing my name.

i see no good reason to do so.

everyone knows me as my maiden name, thats who i am, and getting married does not change my identity.

now, i wouldnt be a nazi about it, and i wouldnt object to getting a joint letter addressed to mr and mrs whatever, but i wouldnt go changing my passport, bank details, work stuff etc.

i wouldnt marry a man who expected/demanded i do that.

b3t4

panda100 wrote: »

I also get very annoyed when forms do not have a 'Ms' option to tick.
Why is it always a 'Miss' or 'Mrs'? Why is a women's marital status so important and relevant yet a man can always be 'Mr'?

Yeah, this gets to me too. My marital status has nothing to do with anything.

While living in NZ, I found Ms to be more widely used.

It's becoming more prevalent in Ireland now too though. If you read an article in The Irish Times they will state "Ms SuchAName" rather than Miss/Mrs. A small bit of me is always really happy to see this.

times'a'wastin

I got married earlier this year and was happy to take my husbands name, he didnt insist but said he would like if i did.
I changed it too because our son has his surname and i wanted to have the same as my son.
I have no problem with women keeping their name, it really is a personal choice and i cant see why some people have to judge on everything!

My mother wasn't happy that i took my hubbys name but i told her tough!

I can't imagine myself wanting to be with a person, who would based their sense of manly esteem on an issue like this.
Rather than personal honour, integrity and the abilty to lift heavy objects for me.

Ms. I don't like though. It just sounds too try hard, I would much rather not use a title.

panda100

It does throw up a conundrum when children are involved though. I think double barreled names sound sort of pretentious. Hopefully, I will marry a man who wont care too much for his surname and will take my name instead.

Kya1976

Dont think its a big deal at all, when I got married I never changed my name. But because my surname is difficult to pronounce I used to use his surname as it was handier.

Ickle Magoo

People have an opinion on most things, I find.

For some reason it just gets much worse after marriage. Somehow taking your husbands name, work issues, when & how many babies to have, how best to parent said children & so on are just some of the topics that suddenly come up for public discussion.

panda100

panda100 wrote: »

It does throw up a conundrum when children are involved though. I think double barreled names sound sort of pretentious. Hopefully, I will marry a man who wont care too much for his surname and will take my name instead.

I'm sorry but the persons whose anatomy has to suffer childbirth deserves to get the offspring named after them!

Unless his is much MUCH cooler.

JimiTime

b3t4 wrote: »

I won't be changing my name as it's my name.

Generally, the sort of men who'd be very adamant that a woman take his name wouldn't hear of changing their names. That logic fails me.

Its a mans world;):)

esharknz

Actually, my OH offered to take my name if I wanted to have the same name. I said there was no need!

We'll probably name any children after him mind you as my family are popping out babies left, right and centre right now, and only his sister has a child named after her father.

Stones85

whitelightrider wrote: »

We got married last year and for some reason I kept asking "when are you gona change your name?". We had this talk a few times and it kept coming back to the fact that she was a teacher and they knew her by her maiden name etc.
To be honest I stopped asking because I actually think it makes no difference. She's my wife. We are one in mind, heart and wallet . Its only a name and Im just happy to be married to this amazing woman.

We might have to look at things if we start a family but thats a bridge we'll cross down the line.

Serious? Shouldn't all of these things be discussed before marriage?

Hate to be all manish about it but if the woman I was going to marry didn't want my name then ok, sure no biggy, it might piss me off for a while, but any children will, I'd like to think if there was a dispute over this I'd dump her bra burning ass.

JimiTime

Stones85 wrote: »

Serious? Shouldn't all of these things be discussed before marriage?

Hate to be all manish about it but if the woman I was going to marry didn't want my name then ok, sure no biggy, it might piss me off for a while, but any children will, I'd like to think if there was a dispute over this I'd dump her bra burning ass.

Ha ha. I actually know 3 guys who said its this simple 'No name, no wedding'. Thankfully, it was a non-issue for my wife. I may have taken a similar stance though tbh.

spurious

If it's not such a big deal for the guys, why don't you take the woman's name?

Stones85

spurious wrote: »

If it's not such a big deal for the guys, why don't you take the woman's name?

Because we're Men

And seriously lads, some of the ****e you're posting on her...... grow some balls and stop being Fr.Trendy's ffs.

ManFromAtlantis

spose if you're that insecure...

Orla K

I wouldn't like to change my name mainly because now my initials are OK how could I change that and why should it matter to the guy?

DeVore

Thats a ridiculous reaction.


Its tradition, its not a freakin' claim of ownership on you regardless of what Marie Claire tells you.


Here's my view on it, if you are entering into a marraige with a combatative "why should I take his name" attitude then I suggest you reconsider the marraige because it doesnt sound like you are ready for it. Honestly its a really poor indicator for any sort of long term relationship.

If I married and my fiancee decided to not take my surname on some "point of principle" I'd feel hurt, humilated and frankly belittled because the norm IS to take the name and so you are going against the norm for some reason known only to you. If you are willing to do that to someone you "love" then you are thinking only for yourself and that speak volumes.

If you have a reason, like the above poster who's name rhymes and doesnt want a life of ridicule, then I would be completely ok with that but if its because you want to be a "liberated woman" then I can tell you, you'd find yourself very quickly liberated from any further "oppression" from me.

Feminists should be concerned about the bigger issues and leave things like "door opening" and "name changing" as just part of the enjoyable interactions between polite adults, imho.

DeV.

fatmammycat

No name change, no problem. Way it should be in my opinion. I have a perfectly good name all ready, why would I want to change it?
'because we're MEN' * guffaws* Pull your skirt down dearie, there's a draft.

fatmammycat

"If I married and my fiancee decided to not take my surname on some "point of principle" I'd feel hurt, humilated and frankly belittled because the norm IS to take the name and so you are going against the norm for some reason known only to you. If you are willing to do that to someone you "love" then you are thinking only for yourself and that speak volumes."
Get over yourself, what the hell had Marie Claire got to do with anything?:rolleyes: It's up to the individual couple what they decide to do. My other half couldn't give a damn about name changes and wouldn't need the smelling salts passed to him over something so trivial. If you're that easily 'humiliated' you might want to tighten that cotton wrap around yourself before you venture forth into the world.

994

panda100 wrote: »

I also get very annoyed when forms do not have a 'Ms' option to tick.
Why is it always a 'Miss' or 'Mrs'? Why is a women's marital status so important and relevant yet a man can always be 'Mr'?

But if it were the opposite, e.g. an unmarried man is "Master" and a married man "Mister", while a woman is always "Miss", you would complain that it implies that only men attain full adulthood while women remain children.

shellyboo

DeVore wrote: »

If I married and my fiancee decided to not take my surname on some "point of principle" I'd feel hurt, humilated and frankly belittled because the norm IS to take the name and so you are going against the norm for some reason known only to you. If you are willing to do that to someone you "love" then you are thinking only for yourself and that speak volumes.

But surely it's equally as hurtful and belittling to INSIST upon a name-change on an equally spurious "point of principle", ie; that it's tradition? I mean, I don't know the real reasoning behind the name-change tradition, but it doesn't have any relevance in today's society. So... why should it be ok for a man to insist on his partner changing her name on some arbitrary principle, but not ok for a woman to refuse on principle? Seems kinda hypocritcal to me.

I think it comes down to the individual couple. I'd have no problem changing my name, I think it's a nice tradition... but any man insisting "no name, no wedding" isn't one I'd want to be marrying anyway.

I don't think people should put principles - any principles - before the person they love though. That goes for men and women.

b3t4

DeVore wrote: »

Its tradition, its not a freakin' claim of ownership on you regardless of what Marie Claire tells you.

What's Marie Claire got to do with the price of bread?

Your name is important to you and that's why I'd presume you'd like a future partner to take that name. Why should a female value her name less and choose to take on the name of her future husband/wife? I just don't get it.

If I married and my fiancee decided to not take my surname on some "point of principle" I'd feel hurt, humilated and frankly belittled because the norm IS to take the name and so you are going against the norm for some reason known only to you.

And I would be hurt that the male that I was choosing to marry believed he had such claim to my name.

If you are willing to do that to someone you "love" then you are thinking only for yourself and that speak volumes.

I'm not sure what's so loving about forcing the hand of someone else simply because of tradition.

Feminists should be concerned about the bigger issues and leave things like "door opening" and "name changing" as just part of the enjoyable interactions between polite adults, imho.

I see nothing feminist about this issue. I simple like my name and see absolutely no reason to change it.

994 wrote: »

But if it were the opposite, e.g. an unmarried man is "Master" and a married man "Mister", while a woman is always "Miss", you would complain that it implies that only men attain full adulthood while women remain children.

I get the impression from your post that you're going along the lines of "tsk, ye women would complain about anything" I'm not impressed.

With regard to children, I have no problem giving them their father's name. My name is from my father and I don't see a good reason for my children not to have their fathers name.

JimiTime

DeVore wrote: »

Thats a ridiculous reaction.


Its tradition, its not a freakin' claim of ownership on you regardless of what Marie Claire tells you.


Here's my view on it, if you are entering into a marraige with a combatative "why should I take his name" attitude then I suggest you reconsider the marraige because it doesnt sound like you are ready for it. Honestly its a really poor indicator for any sort of long term relationship.

If I married and my fiancee decided to not take my surname on some "point of principle" I'd feel hurt, humilated and frankly belittled because the norm IS to take the name and so you are going against the norm for some reason known only to you. If you are willing to do that to someone you "love" then you are thinking only for yourself and that speak volumes.

If you have a reason, like the above poster who's name rhymes and doesnt want a life of ridicule, then I would be completely ok with that but if its because you want to be a "liberated woman" then I can tell you, you'd find yourself very quickly liberated from any further "oppression" from me.

Feminists should be concerned about the bigger issues and leave things like "door opening" and "name changing" as just part of the enjoyable interactions between polite adults, imho.

DeV.

100% agree. In a nutshell, 'What is the motivation?' Also the point is that its going against the norm, so it'd want to be a very good reason.

esharknz

DeVore wrote: »

Here's my view on it, if you are entering into a marraige with a combatative "why should I take his name" attitude then I suggest you reconsider the marraige because it doesnt sound like you are ready for it. Honestly its a really poor indicator for any sort of long term relationship.

Ah well, everyone is entitled to their opinion. I completely disagree with your point of view. I'm a person who knows what she wants, and it's a marriage with this person in question.

Ginny

JimiTime wrote: »

I actually know 3 guys who said its this simple 'No name, no wedding'. ......

IMO this a sad attitude to have, seriously the men would have cancelled the wedding over the name changing?
Bizarre, I thought a marriage was about 2 people who love each other and want to spend the rest of their lives together, rather then insisting your wife has the same surname as you...

justsomebloke

Just a query to the people you don't want to get their name changed. Just wondering as a name change is traditional part of marriage, do you then not think that the whole married thing itself is not a bit out dated and would you not prefer to be life partners instead, i.e. except for the legal implication why get married at all?

fatmammycat

JimiTime wrote: »

100% agree. In a nutshell, 'What is the motivation?' Also the point is that its going against the norm, so it'd want to be a very good reason.

Why? Why does it need to be a very good reason. Why can't it just be what it is, the individual's choice? DeVore's patronising comment speak volumes to me. First he brings up a fashion mag no doubt to belittle the women here, oh we can't think for ourselves, we must follow some rag like sheep. Then he opines on what feminists ought to worry our pretty little heads about, after of course he whines on about how he would feel if a woman refused his name- pfft. PFFT I say. And PFFT to you too. No, there does NOT need to be a good reason. There needs only to be a reason. MY reason is I don't want any other name- I already have one. I use it in a professional capacity. End of. Does it mean I don't love my partner? Of course not. Fortunately he understands this and doesn't place his entire self worth on such matters. If a woman wants to change her name, good for her, if not, good for her. Accept it and move on.

Ginny

Joe the Santa wrote: »

Just a query to the people you don't want to get their name changed. Just wondering as a name change is traditional part of marriage, do you then not think that the whole married thing itself is not a bit out dated and would you not prefer to be life partners instead, i.e. except for the legal implication why get married at all?

People may want to make a commitment to each other in front of their family and friends, this does not mean they HAVE to take their partners name.
Just because something is tradition, does not mean its necessary to a marriage, it was also traditional for a dowry, you don't see many of those today in Ireland.

Pherekydes

Stones85 wrote: »

And seriously lads, some of the ****e you're posting on her...... grow some balls and stop being Fr.Trendy's ffs.

Man, grow some balls and stop posting in tLL.

My first wife took my name and that turned out badly. When she took off, she took the other guy's name, before changing it by deed poll.

My children all have my surname, bar one step-daughter. So my future wife currently has her father's name. She doesn't know whether she'll take mine when we marry. She wants to keep her father's name alive, so to speak. As far as I know, only her, our daughter and her brother have that surname in the greater Dublin area. And he has no issue. Meh, I don't really care. It's her name; she can keep it or change it. It's funny because a lot of people assume we are already married and call her Mrs 'Pherekydes'.

Ickle Magoo

Joe the Santa wrote: »

Just a query to the people you don't want to get their name changed. Just wondering as a name change is traditional part of marriage, do you then not think that the whole married thing itself is not a bit out dated and would you not prefer to be life partners instead, i.e. except for the legal implication why get married at all?

My wedding certificate cites our pre-marital names (the very fact it gets referred to as a "maiden" name tells you how outdated the concept is!), it makes no reference to anyone changing names. Not wanting to relinquish the surname I have grown up with, I share with my family, the name on my passport and qualifications and the one I am known to all my friends by is hardly the same as not believing in or thinking marriage is antiquated.

justsomebloke

Ginny wrote: »

IMO this a sad attitude to have, seriously the men would have cancelled the wedding over the name changing?
Bizarre, I thought a marriage was about 2 people who love each other and want to spend the rest of their lives together, rather then insisting your wife has the same surname as you...

and alot of women will put there foot down about what time of wedding they want and if they can't get it won't marry, so it is just as case of swings and roundabouts, some people have a set idea of what they want out of a marriage and won't differ from that

Stones85

DeVore wrote: »

Thats a ridiculous reaction.


Its tradition, its not a freakin' claim of ownership on you regardless of what Marie Claire tells you.


Here's my view on it, if you are entering into a marraige with a combatative "why should I take his name" attitude then I suggest you reconsider the marraige because it doesnt sound like you are ready for it. Honestly its a really poor indicator for any sort of long term relationship.

If I married and my fiancee decided to not take my surname on some "point of principle" I'd feel hurt, humilated and frankly belittled because the norm IS to take the name and so you are going against the norm for some reason known only to you. If you are willing to do that to someone you "love" then you are thinking only for yourself and that speak volumes.

If you have a reason, like the above poster who's name rhymes and doesnt want a life of ridicule, then I would be completely ok with that but if its because you want to be a "liberated woman" then I can tell you, you'd find yourself very quickly liberated from any further "oppression" from me.

Feminists should be concerned about the bigger issues and leave things like "door opening" and "name changing" as just part of the enjoyable interactions between polite adults, imho.

DeV.

My we're men post was ment half jokingly.

When a man and a woman, get married they come together as one, they are then a family unit, so when they have kids their children inherit that family's name. What utter BS spouting "its my family name, i wont change it wha wha wha!!!" No dumby!! once you're married you are now a NEW family, you take the mans name becuase generally speaking the man is the head of the family and household. Thats the way it is, gtf over it.

Whats goin on with all the bitter feminist freaks? Take your twisted reactionary thinking outside please.

Nevyn

thorbarry wrote: »

Like if you wore a bright red dress to the wedding, people would have something to say about that too

I swear if I ever get married I am doing just that.

For a lot of people getting married as a woman you join that family/clan and so you take the name and the children get the name, in rejecting the name they may feel that you are snubbing the family.

Honestly you don't have to take the name and in this country either spouse can change thier's if they want.

Orla K

Joe the Santa wrote: »

Just a query to the people you don't want to get their name changed. Just wondering as a name change is traditional part of marriage, do you then not think that the whole married thing itself is not a bit out dated and would you not prefer to be life partners instead, i.e. except for the legal implication why get married at all?

To answer your question, I don't want a wedding, a marriage is different but I do think I would do it for legal reasons rather than my love for someone (I wouldn't marry someone that I didn't love). Then again I hate the term life partners, I don't know why I just hate it, as a result I would be very flippant about the whole thing.

I think this attitude stems from working in a bridal shop, hell on earth! I just don't go for any of that stuff too much hassle and it ends up with fights with some relation.