Was i expecting To Much

Annbo33

Hi All
Its a bit of a long one but all opinions would be appreciated.
I met a guy 8 weeks ago and though we both have been hurt and where afraid of getting into anything to serious we decided to see how things go
As far as i was concerned all was going ok he was away for a few weeks durning the 8 weeks but we spoke everyday, to be honest we have spoken everyday for the last 8 weeks but here is where i need your opinion We where due to meet up last night i am a single parent so dont get out that often and i had arranged for my Dd to have a sleep over so we wouldnt have a time limit he said he had to go to the gym but we would meet at no later then 9:30 and he would ring when he left the gym as he is 30mins drive from me i was sitting waiting and he rang at 10:10 saying sorry but he got caught talking to his friend before he went to the gym. He asked was i annoyed and i said no but my tone obviously sounded annoyed and he said he knew i was annoyed and hung up. He then sent a text to say i had no right to be annoyed and i was making a big deal about it to be honest i didnt have a chance to make a big deal of it .He has since sent a message saying he doesnt need grief from me and he wants to be on his own. was i expecting to much to at least get a call to say he was running late when he called at 10:10 he was still at home 30min drive from me.

MissFlitworth

Jebus, he over-reacted just a tad there. I would have been annoyed too in your circumstances OP, I'm not fond of people being late at any stage but when you'd organised for your daughter to be looked after so that you could spend some time together it's the proper height of bad manners to not turn up for over an hour after he said he'd be over.

Maybe something else happened to him yesterday to make him a bit on edge? Honestly his reaction sounds like something out of a 14 year old who's been caught out. 'I don't need grief from you, I just want to be on my own' ffs!

LegacyUser

If he spoke to his friend before the gym, he could have rung you then to say he was running late or cut his gym session short to still make it for 9.30.

Maybe he's panicking a bit at getting into another relationship, however he could have handled it better. Don't contact him again & let him contact you next.

shellyboo

He overreacted a bit, but jeez, he was only a half an hour late in ringing you. Hardly the end of the world. And he DID call you to say he was running late... at 10.10pm. He bumped into a mate, could happen to anyone.

Sephiroth_dude

Hes the one that over reacted what a clown,dont bother your arse with him anymore.

ManOfMystery

It was a trivial annoyance on both your parts, but a total over-reaction from him - he needs to apologise.

Annbo33

Thanks for your replies
Shellyboo I was p*** o** that he rang at 10:10 and that is my problem i didnt make it clear that to met me at 9:30 he should have been ringing me at 9pm but he could have let me know he was running late getting to the gym he could have not gone to the gym or he could have arrived at 10:10 but he rang from home at that time which meant he would have been another half hour driving to get to me. I must also add i offered to drive over to him but he said no. He didnt bump into his friend either he rang his friend and spoke to them for an hour before he went to the gym

King of Kings

shellyboo wrote: »

He overreacted a bit, but jeez, he was only a half an hour late in ringing you. Hardly the end of the world. And he DID call you to say he was running late... at 10.10pm. He bumped into a mate, could happen to anyone.

nah he should have rang earlier to say he was running late. Ringing 40 mins late is very rude. Imagine if she was waiting in a pub or restaurant or at some monument in town.

OP he sounds like a cock. And he is using the "over-reaction" as an excuse to break up with you.
By his behaviour he is rude and selfish and his little rant shows he is totally unable to deal with criticism. I have met people like that and they are a nightmare.

After 8 weeks he should really be bending over backwarsds to woo you. not acting like a cock.

shellyboo

Ah yeah, unpunctuality is a MASSIVE bugbear of mine. But like... it's not the end of the world. Some people are bad with being on time for things. I've spent plenty of time waiting around for my chronically late friends in pubs, restaurants and standing about in town... some people just can't be on time.

I just don't think it's a big deal at all, you both overreacted a bit. Was a stupid fight, that's all.

Sephiroth_dude

King of Kings wrote: »

And he is using the "over-reaction" as an excuse to break up with you.

Thats what I thinking too.

shellyboo wrote: »

He overreacted a bit, but jeez, he was only a half an hour late in ringing you. Hardly the end of the world. And he DID call you to say he was running late... at 10.10pm. He bumped into a mate, could happen to anyone.

There was no need to get annoyed with her though when he was at fault not her.

blairbear

He was actually ringing an hour and ten minutes late really. It's not like he was just meant to call you for a chat. He knew well you were waiting and your time seems pretty precious in your situation. If he'd just rang and said that he was caught up and was really sorry and been sweet for a couple of minutes, I'm sure you would have gotten past it quickly, but hanging up on you? People hanging up on me is my absolute pet peeve and is the height of bad manners and disrespect. It's different if you were a few years into a relationship and were having a massive row, then hanging up on someone isn't so bad, but over a minor disagreement? So bloody childish.

He sounds like a spoilt brat with no manners. Even if he thinks it was totally out of order for you to be annoyed, he still behaved horribly afterwards. If you want to keep seeing him, I'd be very very cool with him for the next few days. People who are prone to little temper fits like this rarely see where they did something wrong so I don't even know if there's a point in discussing it. It won't be the last time he does something like this either I'd say..

VaioCruiser

Hi OP.

First of all this is a complete and total storm about nothing.

Secondly it is clear to me from what you say that you are in no way shape or form ready for this relationship, or any relationship yet.


All the best.

Annbo33

ShellyBoo it wasn't a fight it was a break-up he hasn't done this before and he wont get the chance to do it again with me anyway some people me included feel that time keeping is a must, I find it the height of ignorance to leave someone waiting.

Annbo33

I agree totally that this was a storm about nothing and i was not making a big deal about it he did
And as for you saying i am not ready for this relationship you cant tell this from my post i have my baggage but i was ready to give it a go I spoke to this person every day met when we could and really enjoyed each others company i let myself care for him and believed he did aswell but to hang up and then just text to say what he had to say was out of line

How Strange

IMO, any guy who is interested in a girl and has a date arranged would move heaven and earth to be there on time.

He's taking the cowards approach and OP now you know what kind of guy he is. Think yourself fortunate to have found out so quickly.

I was always wary of those immediately intense guys who only know you five minutes and suddenly have to speak to you and see you every day. Big red lights flash for me and I've found that they blow cold just as quick as they blow hot.

OP, you deserve better than that kind of childish carry on.

Julietta

"Secondly it is clear to me from what you say that you are in no way shape or form ready for this relationship, or any relationship yet"


I genuinely don't understand how you have come to this conclusion based on the Op's posts, can you elaborate?

J.

Sorry, can't do the proper quoting thing

Beetlebum

Julietta wrote: »

"Secondly it is clear to me from what you say that you are in no way shape or form ready for this relationship, or any relationship yet"


I genuinely don't understand how you have come to this conclusion based on the Op's posts, can you elaborate?

J.

Sorry, can't do the proper quoting thing

Yeah..I agree...I don't understand hwo you jumped to that conclusion.

OP - Not only did he let you down, he also texted you to end things. That is so disrespectful and you must have felt awful. Dust yourself off and forget about him. You sound like a really nice and reasonable person. You didn't make a big deal out of it, he did. He sounds immature and cowardly. I think he wanted to end it so used this as an excuse.

Meh, you can do better. On wards and upwards. Delete his number and forget him... he is literally a time waster!

m'lady

mmmm I personally think both the OP and the guy overreacted? Ok it was a bit bad of him to call so late to let her know he was running behind, but I think she kinda over reacted just a tad..perhaps he felt 'whoa hold on, this is only 8 weeks and already I feel hemmed in' or maybe its a case that he used it as an excuse to get out of the relationship as such?

A similar thing happened to me a few years ago in a new r'ship, he called to say that he couldnt meet me as arranged and I said very much jokingly 'ah I knew you werent in the mood to meet me tonight' to which he made a big song and dance over it. It turned out he was a total game player, and manipulated me something terrible..Im not saying this is the case with the OP, but sounds a bit the same.

Terodil

Especially if you don't see each other often (as is the case here), you are on time, if at all possible.

This is not about an accident, a car breakdown, or whatever. No higher force involved. He chose to talk with the friend, he chose to complete his entire training course, while alternatives existed to every single step in order to ensure that he'd be on time (e.g. talk with friend briefly, tell him about the date -- what friend would object? why not shorten the cycle?). Additionally, he did not even phone in time, he waited more than half an hour to do it.

He has clearly shown where his priorities are. You were right to be slightly annoyed. You deserved an apology at least -- but instead he threw a complete strop. His entire reaction afterwards leads me to believe that HE's not ready to be in a relationship.

If you make commitments/promises, you keep them, or have a good explanation. He did/had neither and instead used it as an excuse to have a go at her. I wouldn't stand for it either.

Oh The Humanity

I think he was testing the water with you to see if you are a doormat, which obviously you aren't and fair play to you !

The second you started to mention he was out of order he played the wounded innocent....:rolleyes: which you quite rightly saw through.

He seems very casual about wasting your time and while its nice to be flexible in relationships it seems this guy is an a$$ who has no respect for your time or your right to challenge him when he tried to fcuk you about.

LegacyUser

Its sooooo obvious what he's up to. He knew damn well how late he was calling you, but is too much of a child to put his hands up and say 'sorry, I messed up tonight'. So instead his plan is to think 'I know, I'll get all puffed up and annoyed if she calls me out on it, and make her feel that she's done something wrong so it'll take the heat off me.'
You have one child in your life already, you don't need to take on an overgrown toddler like him too.
And although I partially agree with some that say this is a storm about nothing, when someone like him makes a big thing out of something small it can tell you an awful lot about their real nature and maturity level.
Honestly OP, you sound far too level-headed and sensible to waste your time on someone who makes such a fuss about something that could be fixed with a simple 'i'm sorry'.
All the best!

XarcherX

maybe he should have called earlier but you must have sounded pretty annoyed for him to react so defensively if you had been getting along well beforehand...
maybe he's thinking it's a bit early in the game for you to be annoyed about his time-keeping, did you give out to him?
you had every right to be annoyed if it was a regular occurence but if this was just a once off then your reaction probably set him off but it was childish of him to go into a sulk, even after you offered to drive to meet him...

nesbitt

I think that as a parent you have to organise yourself and invest your time more than normal....

Your BF must have known that you had to do this and IMHO he messed you around. I do think that it could be as other posters said some type of test to see if you would be a doormat. He behaved like a prxxk and accused you of being stroppy etc.

Put this down to experience and try to learn that people who are way too intense early on usually cool off very quickly and pick a row to end things.

Annbo33

XarcherX wrote: »

maybe he should have called earlier but you must have sounded pretty annoyed for him to react so defensively if you had been getting along well beforehand...
maybe he's thinking it's a bit early in the game for you to be annoyed about his time-keeping, did you give out to him?
you had every right to be annoyed if it was a regular occurence but if this was just a once off then your reaction probably set him off but it was childish of him to go into a sulk, even after you offered to drive to meet him...

Hi all
Just wanted to thank u for your time and opinions
XarcherX i just wanted to say i was sitting with a friend when he called and normally i would have blamed myself but she heard the whole conversation and has confirmed i did have a tone but i wasnt rude or over the top i didnt give out and when he asked if i was annoyed i said no as i didnt want to seem needy he then said i was that he could tell and he hung up I forgot to add this man is 35

nesbitt

Annbo33 wrote: »

normally i would have blamed myself

Stop blaming yourself in situations, realise that other people can normalise bad behaviour and get you to take blame when the blame is not yours.... Remember that some people pick a row with you to end it and on balance then that is probably what happened to you the other night. If so you are well rid... Chin up and better luck next time.

VaioCruiser

Julietta wrote: »

"Secondly it is clear to me from what you say that you are in no way shape or form ready for this relationship, or any relationship yet"


I genuinely don't understand how you have come to this conclusion based on the Op's posts, can you elaborate?

J.

Sorry, can't do the proper quoting thing

Because she is in a 'relationship' for about 8 weeks or less, yet she has completely over reacted to a guy, like a nagging wife would, who is 30 minutes late and has had the decency to call her to say so and apologise.

All this nonsense about respect is exactly that - nonsense. I'd like to know one person on this thread who has NEVER been late for date in their lives. Sh1t happens and people make mistakes.

I am not saying he is perfect either btw. I suspect he has had some bad experiences before and this is causing him to ditch her before she got a chance to apologise and that is his error. Ditching her by text is also NOT disrespectful. This is 2009 and people hook up and break up by text every day, like it or not.

My point that you challenged is that after I read her account, which of course is only once half of the reality remember ... is that she reacted in a way that says loudly to me that she is still hurting too much from her earlier bad experiences and if this is the way she reacts the first time something ever so slightly less than perfect happens.... then in my opinion she needs to step back and chill out for a while longer before getting into any relationship.

Dating is not a mutual competitive performance, it is a relationship with understanding, affection, forgiveness. She is not ready for this now.

My two cents.

Terodil

VaioCruiser wrote: »

Because she is in a 'relationship' for about 8 weeks or less, yet she has completely over reacted to a guy, like a nagging wife would, who is 30 minutes late and has had the decency to call her to say so and apologise.

She didn't nag. She had a tone of voice that revealed that she was unhappy. Comparing this to a nagging (fish)wife is grossly overstating the situation.

VaioCruiser wrote: »

All this nonsense about respect is exactly that - nonsense. I'd like to know one person on this thread who has NEVER been late for date in their lives. Sh1t happens and people make mistakes.

Oh dear, the oldest trick in the book. :rolleyes: Claiming that posters have done something wrong themselves in order to devalue their opinion.

I'll still rise to your bait. Of course I have been late before. But as I said, I either had a proper explanation (higher force) or was really, really sorry and made amends. Unlike the OP's bf, I didn't accuse the ones I kept waiting of nagging or being incapable of having a relationship, I realised that I was in the wrong and that they were right to be annoyed with me.

I'm glad we cleared that up, moving on...

VaioCruiser wrote: »

ditch her before she got a chance to apologise and that is his error.

What on earth should she apologise for? For being disappointed at him not showing up in time the one evening she made an effort to keep clear, because Monsieur preferred chatting for 40 minutes with his friend and then insisted on completing his training programme even though he knew that that would make him late by almost an hour? for allowing her voice to betray her disappointment? Cop on.

VaioCruiser wrote: »

Ditching her by text is also NOT disrespectful. This is 2009 and people hook up and break up by text every day, like it or not.

Ridiculous. Many people commit tax fraud, that doesn't make it right. Breaking up by text, esp. by playing the blame game, is cowardly and disrespectful in the eyes of many, me included, for the simple reason that after some time you owe it to each other to discuss such fundamental things honestly, fairly, and face-to-face.

Salome

Firstly, Vaiocruiser, it's obvious that the guy isn't ready for a relationship. Otherwise, he would have made sure he was there for their date.

Secondly, it was extremely inconsiderate of him to be late when you bear in mind that the OP had to make arrangements for her little girl to be looked after. Her time is precious - he should have made sure he was there on time, not chatting with his mate.

Thirdly, I'm glad you saw this side of your man this early OP. Definitely dodged a bullet there.

sunshine007

Spot the pot stirrer

bSlick

VaioCruiser wrote: »

Because she is in a 'relationship' for about 8 weeks or less, yet she has completely over reacted to a guy, like a nagging wife would, who is 30 minutes late and has had the decency to call her to say so and apologise.

All this nonsense about respect is exactly that - nonsense. I'd like to know one person on this thread who has NEVER been late for date in their lives. Sh1t happens and people make mistakes.

I am not saying he is perfect either btw. I suspect he has had some bad experiences before and this is causing him to ditch her before she got a chance to apologise and that is his error. Ditching her by text is also NOT disrespectful. This is 2009 and people hook up and break up by text every day, like it or not.

My point that you challenged is that after I read her account, which of course is only once half of the reality remember ... is that she reacted in a way that says loudly to me that she is still hurting too much from her earlier bad experiences and if this is the way she reacts the first time something ever so slightly less than perfect happens.... then in my opinion she needs to step back and chill out for a while longer before getting into any relationship.

Dating is not a mutual competitive performance, it is a relationship with understanding, affection, forgiveness. She is not ready for this now.

My two cents.

What a load of nonsense. I personally cannot stand a woman nagging, its a personal pet hate of mine, but to compare the op to a nagging wife is waaay off. She didn't even give out to him, her tone merely changed and she even told him she wasn't annoyed to keep the peace. And that is perfectly understandable, who wouldn't be a bit annoyed when someone they have only been seeing a short while is going to be at least 70 minutes late and didn't even bother to tell them. Even though he would have know that as a single parent she would have had to make special plans. Would you Vaio Cruiser not be even a slight bit pissed off if you had made special arrangements to facilitate a date with some girl and then she went and called her friend and had a chat for over an hour and then went to the gym while you are left waiting around like a twat? Fair plate to you if you would, personally if some girl did that to me, after only knowing her 8 weeks, Id be telling her to get on her bike. And Im as easy going as you get, but that would just be taking the piss.

And to then hang up on her just confirms the fact that he is a bit of a prick, and not in a good way. The problem wasn't the he was late for the date in itself, the problem is he was late and then rather having a bit of decency and apologising he goes and has a massive overreaction and blames the op when she did nothing wrong.

VaioCruiser

bSlick wrote: »

What a load of nonsense.

snip ...

the problem is he was late and then rather having a bit of decency and apologising he goes and has a massive overreaction and blames the op when she did nothing wrong.

Just to correct your statement here, and I quote from the original first post "he rang at 10:10 saying sorry". It was after she gave him her annoyed reaction that he became resentful.

All the best.

Annbo33

VaioCruiser
Just wanted to reply to you personally I Am not a nag and honestly have never nagged him that is not the way I am I have always been Understanding Affectionate and would have forgiven him no problem as it really was a very small thing but he never gave me the chance we had a 1 minute talk where he said I had a tone and then hung up I tried to call him back as I thought it was silly but he kept rejecting my call and then text to say he wants to be on his own. The reason I had a tone was he had said that he didn't want to go to the pictures as it would cut into our time together (as we would not be able to talk) but it didn't cost him a thought to be over an our late because he was in the gym.
I have been single for 2 years as I felt I was not ready and would never bring someone into my life when I wasn't but I am ready I am a soft kind hearted person who treats people like I want to be treated. I was with a friend when he called and she heard the whole thing and was as flumocked as I was to his reaction he came across as expecting an argument maybe that's what he is used to and hung up before I said a few words.
The text dumping imo was disrespectful as we didn't really text we always spoke I have the phone bill to prove it and I must add he called me more then I called him so his must be the same. We are both in our 30s so I didn't walk into this blind and love struck. I am more annoyed as to how someone who spoke to a person and spent a lot of time trying to make someone believe they are a good person can change that quick.

VaioCruiser

Annbo33 wrote: »

VaioCruiser
Just wanted to reply to you personally I Am not a nag and honestly have never nagged him that is not the way I am I have always been Understanding Affectionate and would have forgiven him no problem as it really was a very small thing but he never gave me the chance we had a 1 minute talk where he said I had a tone and then hung up I tried to call him back as I thought it was silly but he kept rejecting my call and then text to say he wants to be on his own. The reason I had a tone was he had said that he didn't want to go to the pictures as it would cut into our time together (as we would not be able to talk) but it didn't cost him a thought to be over an our late because he was in the gym.
I have been single for 2 years as I felt I was not ready and would never bring someone into my life when I wasn't but I am ready I am a soft kind hearted person who treats people like I want to be treated. I was with a friend when he called and she heard the whole thing and was as flumocked as I was to his reaction he came across as expecting an argument maybe that's what he is used to and hung up before I said a few words.
The text dumping imo was disrespectful as we didn't really text we always spoke I have the phone bill to prove it and I must add he called me more then I called him so his must be the same. We are both in our 30s so I didn't walk into this blind and love struck. I am more annoyed as to how someone who spoke to a person and spent a lot of time trying to make someone believe they are a good person can change that quick.

Hi - and thanks for your post. if I angered you by my comments I apologise. I gave my honest opinion based on what I read in your post. I try not to give knee jerk responses that simply damn the OPs partners based on one side of the story and try to read 'between the lines' as much as possible because I know from many many years of well earned experience that there are always two sides.
Many times when we are in these kinds of situations it is not what we say but how we say it and how we respond. I don't doubt your sincerity nevertheless I think you should reflect on what I say and not fall into the natural and understandable trap of placing all the blame on him - despite the fact, and I agree with this, that he behaved strangely too.
In the final analysis no one else can say the rights and wrongs of the situation except you yourself and if you conclude that you really did nothing to merit the result then I accept that unconditionally. All I do when I post here is to try to help by posting my own experience and insight. I may not always be right and wish you the best of luck in the future.

All the best