Advice needed on family pregnancy

metrovelvet

tomcollins97 wrote: »

As I stated in the PM this is not a discussion about cancer. Even if this was not in the equation she is being completely unreasonable in her behaviour. It is getting to the whole family - not just me. One of her friends called my mother the other day to request that she (mother) asks here daughther to stop calling the friend every evening discussing the pregnancy woes! She (sister) just cannot grasp that the world at this minute does not revolve around her pregancy and that people really don't care that much. She has become completely self centered and it is pissing alot of people off. We have tried talking to her, but she just gets defensive and hangs up the phone. She only calls to talk about what she wants to talk about. Yes, I appreciate that the trip from Cork to Wicklow is a long one for a pregnant woman, but it is equally longer for elderly parents - so the earlier suggestion of my parents going to see her really isn't an option.

An earlier poster suggested that we will see her lost when she needs help with the baby - but this comes back to my originally question; why should she expect such help when she has been a b1tch for 9 months.

Apologies if I have rambled

Well there you go, and Im sure she is sensing that. Why don't you just come out an say it?

Nevyn

Sorry tomcollins97 it is part of the equation both for her and for you, cos if life was just hunky dory for everyone I very much doubt her being that focused on the pregnancy would bother you as much.

Have you tried talking to her husband/partner about your concerns, so that it maybe sorted before people start cutting thier noses off despite thier faces on both sides.

ebmma

I was wondering after reading this thread...
I just don't understand something.
How is annoying your extended family members with details of your pregnancy is "taking care of the baby"?
I though looking after yourself and consulting health professionals if in doubt would be a thing to do.

I was just wondering if I'm doing something wrong myself since I barely talk about being pregnant with people except my husband. Am I missing something here?

metrovelvet

^ Maybe her husband isnt listenting. Who would you talk to if you had no one else?

ebmma

metrovelvet wrote: »

^ Maybe her husband isnt listenting. Who would you talk to if you had no one else?

If her husband isn't listening it is very depressing. Being honest I would be more concerned with that than with anything else.

But it is just speculating..

whatdoicare

TBH I feel sorry for your sister, she's obviously very excited about her pregnancy and is feeling guilty about being so to relatives when she should be all woe and despair about yr cancer relative. This is resulting in her phone calls regaling people about her medical woes to almost legitamise the phone calls about baby. (If her friend was annoyed by this, she should have said it to your sister, not ring up bothering your parents.)
I understand you feel like she's wrapped up in herself and ignoring the problems you are focused on but on the other side of it you don't seem too happy for her either.
What exactly do you think having her all worked up and upset about sick relatives and worried grandparents is going to achieve? She can't do jack about it, she's in no condition to travel, too pregnant to be looking after people and she really shouldn't be hanging around hospitals anyway (mrsa and all that).
Do you really want her ringing every day about yr relative and worrying herself? Sick relatives are always magnetised in ones mind when there are distances (I know this myself). What do you want her to be doing? Have you gone to visit her yourself?
Also, if my family took the attitude you have I'd probably never visit either- who wants to go to their homeplace to be made feel like poo?? That's hard going when yr in full health, let alone hormonal and ill.

hacked

OK, here we go.

First off, Tomcollins, I think you are being a child. A lesson I had to learn very early on in life is that we cant change other people, only ourselves....and if you think your capable of changing a hormonal pregnant woman, than you are sorely mistake m'dear. If it's bothering you that much, just DETATCH.

Secondly...I've had numerous close family members with cancer. The worst was my sister, she had leukaemia for 4-5 years, and luckily survived. But trust me, I know how devestating it can be, how difficult it is to deal with, how everyone deals with it so differently...how emotions are always running high.
I agree with the poster above....have you ever viewed your sisters behaviour in light of the fact some of it could be about your sick relative? I'm sure she does feel guilty, stressed, and upset.
I've been under some extreme stress during my pregnancy, and it really does change your reactions to things sometimes! Especially when it comes to potentially being slightly hyper and over the top by times AND seriously worrying about my baby's health and well being

Thirdly...I am pregnant. I know exactly what it's like to have those ridiculous mood swings, to feel like your completely changing and theirs nothing you can do about it. Not only is it confusing, and depending on the situation frustrating for everyone around you, it can be kind of frustrating for the pregnant person herself.
Everyone is different, some people just have baby on the brain. I know for me, sometimes all I can talk about is baby baby baby. When your pregnant and your life is completely put on hold as you either can't/aren't working, aren't studying, etc your whole existance is centred around getting ready for the baby. It's only natural you would talk about it a lot. Especially if it;s the first child.

Similarly with having your first baby...the territory is completely new! You don't know what anything is supposed to be like. Everyone experiences pregnancy differently and sometimes it's confusing to work out what is normal. Like I was saying back in the bold writing...your sister hasn't turned into a heartless "b1tch" just because she's pregnant. At the moment her unborn child is her first priority, and I'm sure she finds it overwhelming by times...I certainly do. Maybe she finds talking about your relative difficult? When my sister had cancer I always talked about everything else but, talking about the cancer just made it real to me, and I couldn't bare that. Especially if your sister played a huge part in care giving, she must be very upset and stressed...stress during pregnacy, like I have mentioned before, can be pretty upsetting and scary.

Kaybe

Don't any of you guys have caller ID?
Just stop answering the phone if her phone calls annoy ye.

This thing of a friend of hers calling your MOTHER to get HER to call your SISTER and tell her to stop calling the friend ... what the heck is that about? That is just silly behaviour. The friend in question should be a grown-up and leave your mother out of it... she should just say directly to your sister that she should stop calling.

I know you say that ye've tried talking to her, but seriously, how difficult is it to say "Sis, I need to say something, and I need you to listen.... I KNOW you are excited about the baby and I KNOW that you are having a tough time, and we are all here for you, but I just need you to also realise that So-and-So is also having a seriously tough time with their cancer at the moment. Have you had a chance to pick up the phone and talk to them yet? blah blah blah.....".

If you tried something non-confrontational like that and she STILL hangs up the phone, well then next time she calls don't answer.
Easy.

TargetWidow

Hi Tomcollins,
I mostly agree with the approach of the previous poster's advice. Firstly, you need to admit to yourself that you are angry. This could be partly about your sisters behaviour, partly about the cancer situation or even partly about your expected role here as I feel that you feel you carry a large burden. Anger won't resolve anything for you, but it can be a natural response and sometimes even a suitable distraction from the grief of dealing with something as awful as cancer in a family. Is this anger doing anything for you or is it getting in the way? If you really want to get your sister on board you need to try different "bird-line" as you have tried the angry approach and its not working. If you can find a way to find some compassion, like other posters have said it is very likely that she is sticking her head in the sand because she just doesn't feel capable of dealing with the cancer issue. The pregnancy verbal diarhoeaa is possibly just a way of filling the conversation so it never gets around to the issue she doesn't feel capable of dealing with. Calmly tell her you are worried about her because she never mentions the cancer issue and you don't want it to isolate her from the rest of the family. Tell her that you would like to be able to talk about that with her, and that you will try to understand if she cannot.

Sadly you cannot force her to deal with this if she has chosen not to. Her grief is no less than yours, she just cannot share it with you or for you. If you look to her for support right now it will be the equivalent of going to a Hardware shop looking for bread. There are several excellent professional sources of support which you should definitely look into. Once you feel that your own emotional burden is less you may begin to resent your sister less for her reluctance to carry it with you at this time in her life.

And finally as a pregnant mother of 1 who has nursed my mother while terminally ill right up till the end...... Do nothing that you do not actually WANT to do. You will never then be angry by carrying the burden alone. Get help if you need it, emotionally, physically. Keep on sharing it out. You are clearly a good man but don't do or say anything you might later regret. Be gentle with everyone in your situation. Including yourself. Good luck.

amdublin

I take on board what everybody is saying. Particularly about hormones etc.

But come on, there's hormones and there's hypochondria. And she sounds like she's got a bad dose of the latter.

How you deal with it is up to you. Personally I'd put up with it for the few months more. (When I got off the phone I'd have a huge rant with my OH though).

I hope things improve with the other person in your family. They need your atttention now. Just grin and bear it with the hypochondriac and focus on the sick person that needs you.

bumpintraining

Hi 1st off OP would just like to say that I'm sorry that someone close to you is suffering with cancer at the moment.
Just a few thoughts, luckily I have never experienced loss of a loved one through illness; however as I am now pregnant if a loved one of mine was dying I personally think I would have a huge amount of guilt being around that person with a new life growing inside me.
Does that excuse what your sister is doing? Absolutley not, but it may explain her avoidance.

Also; correct me if I'm wrong but she has been complaining of how sick she's been throughout pregnancy all negatives etc. She may just feel guilty by saying anything positive about the pregnancy during this obvious hard time your family are going through.

Again I don't know your sister so don't understand her motive, whether hormones or otherwise, but I think the only way is to say it straight out to her. I'd hate to think that my loved one's couldnt take me aside and tell me that I was being self centred.
We can speculate forever; the only way to find out is to pick up the phone and ask her.
I'd also hate for my loved one's brother, parents, even friends going behind my back saying what a pain in the arse I am, without asking me why:mad:

CathyMoran

Speaking as a cancer surviver as well as someone who is having a very high risk pregnancy I do know that the idea of a new life is the one thing that kept me going through all the treatments and I imagine that it is the same for your ill relative. I remember that I saw my cousins new born children at Christmas that year (ever though I know I was told to avoid kids at the time), it gave me the boost I needed.

I understand that you are rightly very concerned about your other sick relative but your sister needs you too - pregnancy is not easy. She is just trying to o do the best by her baby, your future niece or nephew.