Advice needed on family pregnancy

tomcollins97

Hi All,

I need some advise, but balanced advise please.

One of siblings is pregnant with a long awaited & tried for pregnancy. Ever since we were told things have not been the same - and not in a good way.

Everything a book say may happen in pregnancy - she has. From sore boobs, to morning sickness, evening sickness, cravings, smells making her sick, migranes, a bump that began at 3 mths etc etc. now, she has always been a bit of a hypochondria but this is ridiculous. She calls home regulary and never asks how any one is, just tells us all her woes.

We have tried to say we are not interested. That we are thrilled with the pregnancy but the day-to-day managing it is between her and her husband. She had not been to see my parents in 5 months as she cannot drive 2 house - despit various spa weekends with the husband and a 3 week driving holiday abroad in the 3rd month.

Now at about 6 months the moan is on th cost of the child, gyne, prams etc etc, her and the husband take home about 100k between them, my parents are unemployed. That attitude is not good enough.

The slightest issue is enough for her to miss work, in the 6mths to date she has probably worked 2. Was out 7 weeks straight at one stage due to sickness! How sick we just don't know but she hasn't exactly lost weight.

There is a long way to go before the birth and it really starting to affect the family, especially the future grandparents. Due to her lack of visits to date they are convinced they will never see their grandchild.

There are no other family issue and we all get on - so there is no real reason that she should not visit.

Any suggestions on what we can say to bring her to her senses and get her to realasise that she is not on her own planet and the world does not revolve around her. She is pregnant, not ill. get over it and get on with life.

gowayouttadat

Unfortunately some women are like that when they get pregnant! I had my mat leave discussion with HR a few weeks ago and the HR manager, who is pregnant herself, left rip about girls in the office who did exactly what your sibling has done and were barely in work during the whole pregnant. I was the opposite and worked up to two days before having my little fella (a week off would have been nice though)

There's nothing you can do about it really and I think giving out to her about it will probably make her 100 times worse. It'll settle down once she has the baby. I don't think the grandparents to be should be worried about not seeing their grandchild. Trust me, she'll want all the help she can get once the baby arrives. It's much harder than it seems!

My advice would be ignore her as best you can.

tomcollins97

gowayouttadat wrote: »

There's nothing you can do about it really and I think giving out to her about it will probably make her 100 times worse. It'll settle down once she has the baby. I don't think the grandparents to be should be worried about not seeing their grandchild. Trust me, she'll want all the help she can get once the baby arrives. It's much harder than it seems!QUOTE]

But herein lies the problem; why should she expect help when she has been a b1tch for 9 months?

Also, I honestly think the moaning and complaining will get worse once the kid arrives. How can you get someone to look outside their own lives to see what else is going on around them?

foxy06

If she was visiting more you would all have to listen to her moaning more so I'd be happy about it tbh. Some women when they get pregnant feel its their duty to tell the world about their aches and pains and other ailments....I choose to tell members of boards! If she has been trying for a while then this pregnancy is probably all thats on her mind at the moment and even though she is complaining she is probably just loving the whole thing, attention and all.

Ghost Girl

If she is not usually like that, then its the pregnaancy hormones, trust me, the hormones can have a HUGE affect on a person in many many different ways. If she is usually not a selfish person or as selfish as you are painting at the moment then i'd bet its hormones...

and you should all be aware that after the birth at some stage she could develope post natal depression when the hormones change drastically again.

Just let her off, shes pregnant, no point upsetting every one. You need to calm down as do the grandparents.

i would guess that she may be always a little selfish but the hormones are exagerating every thing now. Or if she is apprehensive, or afraid of her health, or worried about money, then it all seems worse now because of hormones.

galwaygirleen

I was trying to think what would be considered balanced advice.. from your post you say she hasnt come down to visit, have you gone to visit her?
maybe pregnancy has really affected her. If its a long awaited pregnancy she is probably worried and anxious about it some women can get really bad morning sickness and have every aliment! I think maybe she is just venting because after all ye are family. Maybe if you contacted her more and discussed things that are going on in your life it may go through to her that theres more too life then the hormonal side of being pregnant. If its a first pregnancy I can understand how she is by the book... lots of pregnancy are that way!

loismustdie

hi tom, i really do feel for you, ive read a few of your posts and you seem to be a very practical sort of person so i know how dealin with someone like this would make you wanna scream especially when you'r parents are feeling it too. i hav to say though that as hard as it is to justify, hormones really do play a massive part in it. my sis sounds very like yours and iv litterally ended up with blisters on the thongue fom bitin it in the past, ya hav to just let it go in one ear and out the other. i don't think you'r goin to make her see sense cos in her head she is a martyr wait until after the baby's born at least and if you still feel she needs a talkin to come back and we can help decide how to approach it then but i don't think you'l get anywhere now. out of curiosity, how far does she live from you?
if i were you i would prob feign a vague interest in what she says when she phones and after givin her a few minutes attention start tellin her somethin signifigant goin on in your life, or make up a story of a "pregnant friend" who has it much worse than her

ya can't chosse your family

Jinxi

I kinda know how you feel. I had the unfortuate timing of moving in with my aunt when she was 4 month pregnant. although a type A personality most fof the time, the pregnancy hormones set her into overdrive!
Everything was about her and for her and to her. But she had no objectivity about her behaviour.
Discussing it with her led only to an equally irrational reaction.
The only thing is to minimise contact with her until the pregnancy is over. Your parents are wise enough to know their own daughter. Most of the time, when a woman gives birth it changes the realtionship with her parents anyway, as they come to realise how hard a job it is. Also she will probably want her children to know thier family so she will probably want increased contact.
If this was a longed for pregnancy, then she just doesn't realise that every feeling and symptom isn't as interesting for you as it is for her.
What I did was minimise contact and after the baby was born, slowly begin to resume contact.

CathyMoran

The stress of ttc is huge. Your sister could have even had miscarriages for all you know. She is also hormonal. Bite your tongue when she annoys you would be my advice.

tomcollins97

The piece I have difficulty is the advice to basically ignore it and excuse the behaviour.

That is like saying to a parent ignore your misbehaving child its just the terrible twos/pre teen/teenager/young love etc etc. This unresonable behaviour may be excusable for a child but not an adult.

Surely an adult who has read every pregnancy book under the sun should know that mood swings can happen and do what they can to keep them under control? Why should the rest of the family have to tip toe around her just because she is pregnant? Should she not also be making an effort not to be so self indulgent and selfish?

There is a lot of other crap going on the family and she is providing no support at all. her bump is all that matters and she makes damn sure we know it.

Also, surely if we are all telling her that she is being unreasonable something in her head should be telling her that maybe she needs to cop on??

CathyMoran

tomcollins97 wrote: »

The piece I have difficulty is the advice to basically ignore it and excuse the behaviour.

That is like saying to a parent ignore your misbehaving child its just the terrible twos/pre teen/teenager/young love etc etc. This unresonable behaviour may be excusable for a child but not an adult.

Surely an adult who has read every pregnancy book under the sun should know that mood swings can happen and do what they can to keep them under control? Why should the rest of the family have to tip toe around her just because she is pregnant? Should she not also be making an effort not to be so self indulgent and selfish?

There is a lot of other crap going on the family and she is providing no support at all. her bump is all that matters and she makes damn sure we know it.

Also, surely if we are all telling her that she is being unreasonable something in her head should be telling her that maybe she needs to cop on??

It is not that easy, you can know that it is happening but the practice is not that easy, it is like very bad pms. She is just trying to look after her baby.

metrovelvet

Obviously you are going to get advice here from women who have been pregnant or who are pregnant so the advice will lean toward being compassionate.

As irritating as she may be, pregnancy sucks and a lot of the time it is like being ill, because alot of the time you are ill or incapicitated in one way or another. Also, it is a terrifying, magical, and exceptionally lonely time.

I dont know how bad her pregnancy is but there are women who get sick an awful lot, who are told to stay in bed due to auto immune problems, etc.

If you cant stick it, just avoid it.

Of course she is being unreasonable, she's ****ing pregnant. What do you expect? You are being unreasonable with your expectations!

Ghost Girl

Tomcollins97

You wanted our thoughts, we are giving them to you and it seems to me you don't want to ignore her current behaviour.

Firstly, you can bring this all up with her afterwards, but not while pregnant, because you have no idea how it will affect her and the unborn.

Secondly, as \i said already, pregnancy hormones have a huge effect on women, in many different ways, and just like no two women are the same, no two pregnancies are the same.

I had an absolutely terribal time. At times I didn't recognise what I was like, and when i did recognise what i was like to live with, it upset me more.

I used to think that women put it on, loved the attention etc (and some do) but there are many things out of your control while pregnant.

If it really bothers you, why not raise it with her in a calm manner, and if it doesn't work just leave it til afterwards when she's settled with baby.

You also mentioned there is other stuff going on in the family and she doesn't seem to care. Do you realise that could be a self defence mechanism, to stop herself from stressing? She cannot be taking on board other problems which annoy her, because annoyance will affect the baby. She is probably better off just talking about the pregnancy and staying out of the rest. She could be lonely and just want to let out all her emotions. I did this with my sister. She got the daily update by email on all my pains.

Now i look back at the emails and shake my head. I now realise how much i went through, but also realise i needed to vent, and my sister was great support.

tomcollins97

Ghost Girl wrote: »

Tomcollins97

You also mentioned there is other stuff going on in the family and she doesn't seem to care. Do you realise that could be a self defence mechanism, to stop herself from stressing? She cannot be taking on board other problems which annoy her, because annoyance will affect the baby. She is probably better off just talking about the pregnancy and staying out of the rest.

To clarify, other stuff means cancer in the immediate family. I feel that this warrents some of her attention. How stressed do you think I am??

I need to know how to get her to realise that there is more to life at the moment than her and 'the baby'? If she doesn't, I don't think that I will ever be able to forgive her.

tomcollins97

metrovelvet wrote: »

Obviously you are going to get advice here from women who have been pregnant or who are pregnant so the advice will lean toward being compassionate.

As irritating as she may be, pregnancy sucks and a lot of the time it is like being ill, because alot of the time you are ill or incapicitated in one way or another. Also, it is a terrifying, magical, and exceptionally lonely time.

I dont know how bad her pregnancy is but there are women who get sick an awful lot, who are told to stay in bed due to auto immune problems, etc.

If you cant stick it, just avoid it.

Of course she is being unreasonable, she's ****ing pregnant. What do you expect? You are being unreasonable with your expectations!

How am I being unreasonable? She is pregnant, not sick. She chose & planned to become pregnant. Her pregnancy has no issues except for evening sickness.

As to what I expect, I expect her to act like an adult and not a spoilt child. What will she do on number two, ignore number one and take out all her anger & frustration on the oldest child like she is with us? Surely, part of being grown up is learnign how to deal with emotions and tough times?

CathyMoran

I have immediate experience of cancer in the family and I am sorry for what you are all geing through but she still needs to look after her baby

jmbkay

Hi OP. I have 3 children now, have had a miscarriage, and also a baby at age 16 that was adopted by my family. I have to say that I dont entirely agree with Metrovelvet and Cathy Moran in that your sister does appear to be selfish, especially to your parents.

But what to do about it? Well, when the phone call comes, get your say in as soon as you say hello. Jump in with the family update. I also have the experience of having pre-cancerous cells treated and the day after the treatment, I visited my sick mother, not telling her completely what I had done. I have a diabetic child and another with a hole in the heart and seldom miss a day calling my family, because thats what I want to do. I still looked after myself really well when pregnant, getting lots of help from my husband. You probably feel you are carrying the whole family, but try and give yourself a break when needed.

jmbkay

CathyMoran wrote: »

I have immediate experience of cancer in the family and I am sorry for what you are all geing through but she still needs to look after her baby

The Op appears to feel that thats all shes doing. It wouldnt cause a miscarriage or undue stress to ask how other people are doing.

Wooder79

Hi Tom,

I'm so sorry about your bad news. You sound incredibly stressed out about it all.
I have a daughter myself, and I remember when I was pregnant, there were times when I knew, even at the time, that I was behaving completely irrationally. I remember once my husband arguing with me and me telling him, look I know I'm being irrational, please just ignore what I said and stop trying to win the argument (He kept at it though until he ended up on the sofa! :P)

My point is, when your moods are swinging like that, there's absolutely nothing you can do about it. Infact, being sane enough to realise that your mental just makes it more upsetting. Do you think your sister is aware of how she's behaving?
She certainly doesn't seem to be aware of how stressed out you are. Perhaps she is using her bump as a defense mechanism so she won't have to deal with the other problems?

You do need to make allowances for her to a point. But you shouldn't have to walk on egg shells either when you're already so stressed out. If I were you, I'd sit her down and not even mention her behaviour, but tell her how you feel overwhelmed by everything and that you could do with some support.

She does need to minimise stress for herself and the baby, but women and babies aren't as weak as people seem to believe. There are still women in the world who come in from the fields, give birth and go back out with their babies strapped to their backs. There are babies born every day in war zones who are hardy as anything (I'm not saying that's right, I'm just saying mammies and especially babies are a lot tougher than they look)

It's perfectly natural to want to do anything to protect your baby. But coming from the perspective of someone who has had a baby who was very sick initially and has special needs, I don't believe, and I never did, that it's acceptable to expect everybody else's world to revolve around your child just because yours does. Your family doesn't cease to exist when you have a baby on the way. Seems to me that your sister needs to be reminded (albeit very gently) of this.

Good luck with everything. And don't forget to do things for yourself to blow off steam while your busy looking after everyone.

metrovelvet

Wooder79 wrote: »

Hi Tom,

I'm so sorry about your bad news. You sound incredibly stressed out about it all.
I have a daughter myself, and I remember when I was pregnant, there were times when I knew, even at the time, that I was behaving completely irrationally. I remember once my husband arguing with me and me telling him, look I know I'm being irrational, please just ignore what I said and stop trying to win the argument (He kept at it though until he ended up on the sofa! :P)

My point is, when your moods are swinging like that, there's absolutely nothing you can do about it. Infact, being sane enough to realise that your mental just makes it more upsetting. Do you think your sister is aware of how she's behaving?
She certainly doesn't seem to be aware of how stressed out you are. Perhaps she is using her bump as a defense mechanism so she won't have to deal with the other problems?

You do need to make allowances for her to a point. But you shouldn't have to walk on egg shells either when you're already so stressed out. If I were you, I'd sit her down and not even mention her behaviour, but tell her how you feel overwhelmed by everything and that you could do with some support.

She does need to minimise stress for herself and the baby, but women and babies aren't as weak as people seem to believe. There are still women in the world who come in from the fields, give birth and go back out with their babies strapped to their backs. There are babies born every day in war zones who are hardy as anything (I'm not saying that's right, I'm just saying mammies and especially babies are a lot tougher than they look)

It's perfectly natural to want to do anything to protect your baby. But coming from the perspective of someone who has had a baby who was very sick initially and has special needs, I don't believe, and I never did, that it's acceptable to expect everybody else's world to revolve around your child just because yours does. Your family doesn't cease to exist when you have a baby on the way. Seems to me that your sister needs to be reminded (albeit very gently) of this.

Good luck with everything. And don't forget to do things for yourself to blow off steam while your busy looking after everyone.

There are also still women in the fields who have compromised births and dead babies from stress.

Anyhow, tom collins, I know the stress of having cancer in the family, long term late stage cancer, and I know you are all over the place, probably exhausted, scared, etc, and I also know what it is like to be pregnant.

They are both their own universes. Her main concern is her and her baby right now, and that is how it should be.

Your main concern is your sick family member, and that is also how it should be.

Unfortunately when two different proprities clash, sometimes this is what happens.

Try to take a step back, see it for what it is, and distance yourself. Unfortunately right now, with the pregnancy and the sick family member, attentions are divided and neither party is going to get the focus each of them deserve.

Wooder79

metrovelvet wrote: »

There are also still women in the fields who have compromised births and dead babies from stress.

There are plenty of women in 1st world countries who do everything "by the book" who unfortunately have the same experience. (My dd spent the 1st 8 weeks of her life in NICU, so I have seen plenty of this 1st hand)

Of course Tom's sister has to put her baby 1st and watch her stress levels, that's a given. But pregnancy is not a licence to be inconsiderate.

metrovelvet

I find that kind of logic a little ridiculous. Because there are women in the third world pregnant and working in fields and are alright that is reason for her to cop on? And you know..Ive heard about these women... do you have any links or evidence to back up the myth?

There are plenty of children in the third world and the second one, working long hours with no bathroom breaks, would you say that to a parent who is complaining about something going on with their kids? Is this your baseline for how you measure humanity?

galwaygirleen

Pregnancy is not licence to be inconsiderate of course not, but maybe this girl has no idea that she is being inconsiderate and the pregnancy is sort of used as a 'shield' to save her emotional stress of the family situation and maybe as a way as looking after herself? OP maybe myou should talk to your sister about this see whats going on with her, does she even realise the extent of the family situation. Last thing you want to do is fall out with her over what is only assumptions she is your sister maybe do this face to face that way you can really let her know whats going on, cos she hasnt visited she hasnt seen it first hand like yourself.

Wooder79

Gawaygirleen, I reckon you're right. Perhaps it is all just too much for her to deal with and she's using the pregnancy as a defense mechanism. Especially if she's not naturally self absorbed and they normally get on well.

Metrolvet, or what ever your name is, if you had actually read my original post, you would see that I was using the fact that women in less than perfect situations have babies without incident to illustrate the fact that mothers and babies are stronger than people give them credit for. You are perfectly entitled to disagree with me. You however have absolutely no right to try to insult me. My logic differing from yours certainly does not make it ridiculous.

metrovelvet

Yes but she is not other women or from a culture of women that work in fields. Most useless advice to give anyone... "well other people do it."

Pointing out a logical flaw is not a personal insult. People all over the worlds working in fields or not, can have the flaws in their logic pointed out without taking it personally. So by your logic, if they can do it, so should you.

Ghost Girl

Tomcollins
I'm sorry to hear that the "other stuff" is as serious as cancer. I still think she may be high on the pregnancy hormones and they are acting as a self defence mechanism. In fact she may just be as worried inside.
The reason i say this is because I developed a very serious condition half way through my pregnancy, and people thought i was dealing with it so well, but in fact it was the hormones that were getting me through it, and in some ways self preserving me and the baby, not letting me get too worried about it all, just focusing on baby. After the birth it all came crashing down and reality hit me. (when hormones levelled out)
I agree with the earlier poster who suggested you tell her how overwhelmed you feel about whats going on in the family. If you can't talk to her rationally about every thing, i suggest you leave it, and find other ways of coping. Don't take your frustrations out on her while shes pregnant.
I do hope every thing works out okay. You need to vent to some one.

Wooder79

I am from the same culture as you and Tom's sister. It is my belief that pregnant women in the most part do not need to be handled with kid gloves at all times which is the point that you know very well I was making. It's not a logical construct. It's my personal belief. The fact that you think that my belief is "flawed" just because it differs from yours frankly shows an unbelievable level of arrogance.

TomCollins started this tread to get advice on how to deal with a problem that is obviously causing him a lot of distress. Not to listen to the likes of you trying (and failing) to feel superior to people you don't know. If you are that hard up for attention that you need to try to start fights with strangers, then call the samaritans. They will be more than happy to talk to you and let you vent your many frustrations. Perfectly logical really.

Best of luck with everything Tom.

The_Conductor

The OP has posted in the pregnancy forum though- so he is naturally going to get a large number of responses from those who are pregnant or have experience of it.

Tom- pregnant women can be completely irrational, its just a given. Trying to understand this is pointless- even when they recognise how irrational they are being- hormones make them incapable of stopping.

You state that the grandparents are worried they will never see the kid/kids- banish this thought. However hormonal she is at the moment- when baby arrives, she will be doing well to get two hours straight uninterupted sleep per night- and will be only too grateful for any attention grandparents and any other family members may be willing to pay towards the child.

I accept that you're worried about your other family member who is battling cancer. It is a worrying time- however while your sister has her own little pregnancy world- where pregnancy is her priority- you may have taken on responsibilities over and above those you'd normally accept, even on an emotional level, in the family, as a result of the illness. You are coming across as highly stressed, and angry towards your sister- who I would hazard a guess- would under normal circumstances have been the one to shoulder a lot of the emotional load associated with the family.

Regardless of how irrational she is being (and believe you me, I am only too aware of how irrational some women can be)- by channelling your anger towards her at this time- you too are being irrational, and lashing out at her perceived thoughtlessness.

People are human- none of us are infallible- we do make mistakes. Your sister is in her own little world at the moment. I think it would be a healthy thing to briefly check in on her from time to time- you don't need to listen to the random ramblings of whatever latest medical conspiracy theories are doing the rounds on the internet- you are her brother- and regardless of what happens with the pregnancy, or with your other family member- you will always be her brother. On the other hand- it does really sound as though you could do with help dealing with the sick family member- regardless of your sister's traditional role in the family- you have to accept that you are going to have to go elsewhere to get the support (be it practical support or emotional support). She is not an evil person who you will never forgive- she is your sister.

As alluded to above- at the moment you and she have two monumental but different priorities in your life. Her first priority is her unborn child- yours is your sick family member. Don't try to equate one with the other- they are very different- but also don't try to exacerbate any gulf between you as a result of these differing priorities- I've seen too many family rifts where people haven't spoken to each other in years over misunderstandings or anger over perceived slights- life is too short........

Best wishes,

S.

Nevyn

Tom was offered the option to move this to the personal issues forum and choose not to.

Everyone deals with facing cancer and the possible death of a loved one in different ways some people just don't cope with it at all and go the ostrich head in the sand over it. It's just thier coping mechanism and just can' face it and will distract themselves with other things.

tomcollins97

Thaedydal wrote: »

Tom was offered the option to move this to the personal issues forum and choose not to.

Everyone deals with facing cancer and the possible death of a loved one in different ways some people just don't cope with it at all and go the ostrich head in the sand over it. It's just thier coping mechanism and just can' face it and will distract themselves with other things.

As I stated in the PM this is not a discussion about cancer. Even if this was not in the equation she is being completely unreasonable in her behaviour. It is getting to the whole family - not just me. One of her friends called my mother the other day to request that she (mother) asks here daughther to stop calling the friend every evening discussing the pregnancy woes! She (sister) just cannot grasp that the world at this minute does not revolve around her pregancy and that people really don't care that much. She has become completely self centered and it is pissing alot of people off. We have tried talking to her, but she just gets defensive and hangs up the phone. She only calls to talk about what she wants to talk about. Yes, I appreciate that the trip from Cork to Wicklow is a long one for a pregnant woman, but it is equally longer for elderly parents - so the earlier suggestion of my parents going to see her really isn't an option.

An earlier poster suggested that we will see her lost when she needs help with the baby - but this comes back to my originally question; why should she expect such help when she has been a b1tch for 9 months.

Apologies if I have rambled

CathyMoran

I am in the very early stages of a very high risk pregnancy so my sympathy would tend to be with your sister. Everyone has been great except one family member. I imagine that her mind is fried with baby things at the moment. It is a pity that she can not see your parents at the moment but there is always the phone. I am just trying to show her side.