Feeling so hurt and betrayed

Wurly

in two minds wrote: »

Oh feel free to call him an arsewhole you needn't apologise, he deserves worse, i'm under no illusion there!

I think if he doesn't put the effort in it will be him making the decision to leave as he will still not be happy and he equates his home life with happiness, something that he will need to work on in his own counselling. I dread that outcome to be honest, and the thought of being a single mum at 30 fills me with so much fear. Not to mention having to go through any more relationships and all they entail..but no point projecting too far with that!

Yeah I know. But really, you're only 30. It's not like you're ancient.;). And as much as single mother thing fills you with dread - you'd survive. And after a time, you'd be totally fine.

Would it be at all possible for you to try and focus your thoughts on making yourself feel better? Its just, well, if you're hoping for him to come back and he doesnt... I'd be afraid you'd feel rejected all over again.

If I was in your situation, what advice would you give to me?

When does this counselling start? Also - are you into meditation/yoga etc etc? I think it could be good for you in terms of clearing your poor head. It must be whirling around like mad.x

in two minds

Trí wrote: »

Yeah I know. But really, you're only 30. It's not like you're ancient.;). And as much as single mother thing fills you with dread - you'd survive. And after a time, you'd be totally fine.

Would it be at all possible for you to try and focus your thoughts on making yourself feel better? Its just, well, if you're hoping for him to come back and he doesnt... I'd be afraid you'd feel rejected all over again.

If I was in your situation, what advice would you give to me?

When does this counselling start? Also - are you into meditation/yoga etc etc? I think it could be good for you in terms of clearing your poor head. It must be whirling around like mad.x

Yeah i kinda meant i am too young at 30 to have a failed marriage. That bit upsets me. I really have no idea what advice i would give to someone in the same situation. I'm just making things up as i go along, and trying not to crumble under it all. I'm going to go for personal counselling this week. The marriage counselling has already began, as has my husband's personal counselling. I really do have to use it to make myself strong enough to deal with any outcome. As for the meditation etc, thats a good idea, i have some cds, i must start using them again each day.

VaioCruiser

in two minds wrote: »

The important part of this is that my husband and i made a pact to work on a list of things, both separately and together to make this marriage work. In the meantime we decided against him moving home, but we will meet regularly for counselling, a family day with our child, and an evening out for the two of us to 'court' again and remember why we are together.

For all the other crap i had to deal with from his family, and also for the rejection, betrayal, and emotional battering i've taken, I'm booking an appointment with a counseller for as soon as possible as God knows i need it. I need to learn not to let that woman's opinions matter to me. (so ridiculous you really have to laugh at them if they weren't so hurtful and untrue).

In the meantime please keep the support coming, i really could do with it!

Thanks again.

Hi OP. Wow.. What an ugly and nasty experience. I don't know why you ended up at his family doorstep families stick together especially then there is a showdown ....

On the other hand I am honestly happy that there is now some kind of path forward. It sounds like you are making solid progress. I am saying this not because all is hunky dory and it's be roses.... but because you are doing all you can and he is getting his opportunity to step up. If he fails .. then it certainly won't be your fault. Let us always remember LOVE is worth fighting for.

About his family. We don't marry a family. They may be miserable nasty people, but that doesn't mean your marriage should be abandoned just because of them. One of the things I believe that HE must deal with as part of any reconciliation is that HE sorts out his family and their attitude to, and respect for, you. In all relationships we are responsible for our family and any trouble or problems they cause.
I commend you on your strength and fortitude and determination not to let them get to you. No matter how strong we are we can all be hurt. HE needs to play a big role in this.

All the best for the next stage in this process.

in two minds

VaioCruiser wrote: »

Hi OP. Wow.. What an ugly and nasty experience. I don't know why you ended up at his family doorstep families stick together especially then there is a showdown ....

On the other hand I am honestly happy that there is now some kind of path forward. It sounds like you are making solid progress. I am saying this not because all is hunky dory and it's be roses.... but because you are doing all you can and he is getting his opportunity to step up. If he fails .. then it certainly won't be your fault. Let us always remember LOVE is worth fighting for.

About his family. We don't marry a family. They may be miserable nasty people, but that doesn't mean your marriage should be abandoned just because of them. One of the things I believe that HE must deal with as part of any reconciliation is that HE sorts out his family and their attitude to, and respect for, you. In all relationships we are responsible for our family and any trouble or problems they cause.
I commend you on your strength and fortitude and determination not to let them get to you. No matter how strong we are we can all be hurt. HE needs to play a big role in this.

All the best for the next stage in this process.

Thank you VC,
Up to now his family have always thought highly of me and vice versa even though i could see his mothers faults, and i'm sure they noticed faults of mine too.. But they lashed out at me because i think they really weren't acknowledging any wrongdoing on their beloved son's part. But as you say i didnt marry them, they are just surplus and i can control the amount of input they have in my life.

kizzabel

hi in two minds

sometimes its harder to take him back but when you see a glimmer of hope and when all you're reasoning still adds up to your relationship being viable then i applaud you for taking the harder route.

i instinctively thought something was wrong in my relationship but couldnt see (well didnt want to acknowledge) that he was cheating. we broke up, later that week i found out i was expecting (impecible timing naturally)

i knew he was the one. so like a lap dog i followed him around looking for approval, avoided slinging mud, keeping in with his family and seeing him on the sly for my entire pregnancy and the first 5 months of my daughters life in a bid to win him back. i did. his reason for cheating - i had told him about a sleaze who tried it on while out on a girlie night. he felt threatened. bam.
it hurts that he took so long to break up with her and in the end she rigged things and was expecting. the weekend before my LO was born she had an abortion but he felt he could not leave until her grief had abaited.
her plan hadnt worked out.

had i not been pregnant, i, in hindsight, think i would have turned on my heel and walked. who wants an unhappy endding at 18. but it showed me what i had to lose and crazy as it is to some, i could not bear to lose him

we've worked hard over the past 4 years. and hard its been, while hes not very expressive i know im valued, loved, cared for and protected. its been hard, heartbreaking, soul crushing and a learning curve.

4 years down the road its good. its worked out and so many people told me i was crazy, wrong, stupid but you know deep down when its right.

it will take time, courage, determination, patience and compromise but you are clearly a strong, intelligent woman who weighs things up. i wish you well and hope things get back on track.

MJOR

Tread carefully please. Make sure he puts in the work and deserves to earm back your respect. His familys' behaviour is appauling but i'm not shocked, they heard one side of the story and put them to the back of your mind.

Please take my advice and take this whole situation one step at a time. It will be a lengthy process and hopefullt you'll get what you need by the end. Be strong

Wurly

in two minds wrote: »

Yeah i kinda meant i am too young at 30 to have a failed marriage. .

That is a load of bollix for a start, OP. If something doesn't work, it doesn't work.

And if this doesn't end up working, NO ONE can say you didn't try.

This situation is hard enough. Don't be filling your mind with this sort of junk also.

Hopefully this will work out for you. But if it doesn't, there is nothing wrong with having a failed marraige, having a failed marraige at 30, being a single mother at 30. You didn't choose any of this.

Sure the same thing could happen to me or anyone else. Don't entertain any of that, OP.X

jmbkay

OP you are putting so much into your marriage. I really hope you get the love and respect you deserve. You are so strong, stay that way whatever the outcomes. I and I'm sure the other posters are thinking of you and your child.

in two minds

jmbkay wrote: »

OP you are putting so much into your marriage. I really hope you get the love and respect you deserve. You are so strong, stay that way whatever the outcomes. I and I'm sure the other posters are thinking of you and your child.

Thank you so much.

Things are very amicable at the moment and i think my husband feels like a huge weight has been lifted off his shoulders since the big family talk. I think he realises we are all on the same page, (whereas before his mind was in turmoil) and we all want the best possible outcome, despite the mud slinging his family did.

He comes over the odd evening to spend an hour or two with us, and then heads off.

I start my personal counselling this week thank god, i really need it. I'm starting to feel a lonliness and sadness that reminds me of my early days of post natal depression - i'm really afraid of slippping backwards.

VaioCruiser

Hi OP.

So much good progress

This is the time when you need to call in your friends and your doctor and make sure you are getting the best care. Don't turn to the ex for comfort or the cycle will start all over again. It will feel great to begin with ... but slide down soon enough.

Hang in their and get the help you need. (and remember those friends !)

All the best - as always.

redfacedbear

VaioCruiser wrote: »

Hi OP.

So much good progress

This is the time when you need to call in your friends and your doctor and make sure you are getting the best care. Don't turn to the ex for comfort or the cycle will start all over again. It will feel great to begin with ... but slide down soon enough.

Hang in their and get the help you need. (and remember those friends !)

All the best - as always.

Good advice which I'll add to with: I know it's hard with all the crap that's going on (not to mention the whole full-time motherhood thing!) but you remember there is a 'you' that needs some of your attention too.

I'd suggest that you get your husband to mind your daughter a couple of evenings each week and get out of the house - meet friends for a meal, go to the gym or for a walk, take up a course, whatever.

All the best

in two minds

VaioCruiser wrote: »

Hi OP.

This is the time when you need to call in your friends and your doctor and make sure you are getting the best care. Don't turn to the ex for comfort or the cycle will start all over again. It will feel great to begin with ... but slide down soon enough.

That's so true..

We share a big group of friends (we met through them), all couples either married or engaged, one or two with children, some expecting. We are a solid group and there has never been any bitching/backstabbing amongst us, it sounds too good to be true but it is. Now we don't live in each others pockets, but we meet up regularly enough. I chose not to tell them about this, on the advice from someone who has been in my situation, as if and when we work things out it could be very difficult for my husband to shake off the judgements and comments of others. However i did confide in a close female friend of mine separate to the group, and she is being brilliant.

As far as the doctor is concerned I really dont want to go back on the anti d's as when on them i put on weight and completely lost my libido which only added to our problems and distance in the run up to this.

I'd suggest that you get your husband to mind your daughter a couple of evenings each week and get out of the house - meet friends for a meal, go to the gym or for a walk, take up a course, whatever.

Thanks redfacedbear, september is a good time for courses etc so i will take up an exercise class i think. It will mean (when he moves back in in time) between that and his football training we will be apart a few evenings a week which can only improve things, giving him the head space he needs. I find if i do social things alone I feel incredibly lonely (only happens when i'm feeling a bit down) for example i brought my daughter to a toddler group this morn and felt very sad looking around me.

VaioCruiser

in two minds wrote: »

However i did confide in a close female friend of mine separate to the group, and she is being brilliant.

This is what you need. Someone to talk to. Someone to vent with when you need it. Someone to tell you you're doing well, or you are slipping ..

I didn't intend to imply you go on medication - but make sure you do what it takes to stay together.

Loneliness is inevitable and natural. It's not the end of the world. Embrace it a bit. Time alone is healing and affirming if you take it positively and don't just see it as a negative experience.

All the best.

Taltos

OP

Just want you to know that you are a real inspiration.
You have kept your cool, behaved like an adult and made reasonable requests.
Not only that you went into a situation where you knew you could be attacked and through it all you stood your ground.

Really do hope that the counselling works for you both.
Good idea about taking up a new activity as well.

Maybe also just put aside even 20 min a day or an hour or 2 at the weekends where you just have you time - you know do something to spoil yourself a bit, or just listen to some music you enjoy.

For what it's worth from a stranger - I am really impressed by everything I have read here. Really hope others take inspiration from this.

in two minds

Taltos wrote: »

OP

Just want you to know that you are a real inspiration.
You have kept your cool, behaved like an adult and made reasonable requests.
Not only that you went into a situation where you knew you could be attacked and through it all you stood your ground.

Really do hope that the counselling works for you both.
Good idea about taking up a new activity as well.

Maybe also just put aside even 20 min a day or an hour or 2 at the weekends where you just have you time - you know do something to spoil yourself a bit, or just listen to some music you enjoy.

For what it's worth from a stranger - I am really impressed by everything I have read here. Really hope others take inspiration from this.

Gosh thank you Taltos, that means so much because as i said before i am just winging it at the moment,no one knows how to act in this sort of situation, when you find yourself with so much at stake and on a rollercoaster of emotions. At least now i know i am talking some sense and cannot be accused of being controlling/insensitive etc by SOME people who happen to be related to my husband!

i will indeed take some time out each day. at the moment when my mind keeps replaying those awfully unfair accusations i pick up my book and read a few chapters, even if i have to read the same paragraph over and over for it to go in.