Feeling so hurt and betrayed

in two minds

Hi everyone,
I really don't know where to begin.

I found out my husband of 4 years has been cheating on me. He began a relationship with a girl who he works with a few months ago, which i found out by chance. He says they have not slept together, but it could've headed that way. We have a three year old little girl, and have had a very rough time since she was born, mainly due to my health. Add to this I also suffered post natal depression for about a year and a half after she was born, but tackled this head on with counselling and anti depressants and am now fine. I am very worried that these events will lead me to relapse and end up back on the medication, but so far I am staying strong and firm with myself that I can handle this.

When I found out about the affair, I packed his bags for him and he moved home. Shortly after we sat down and talked, and he said he had been unhappy for a couple of years and is not acting like himself. After listening to him talking openly and honestly it dawned on me that he was actually suffering from depression himself, and was bottling everything up and keeping a brave face. He is not the type to openly talk about his feelings, and told me he didnt want to add to the problems i was already going through. Early on in my own depression I sensed he wasnt dealing with it very well, he didnt understand what was going on in my head, and i begged him to read up on it and help himself understand that any outbursts from me or mood swings were not to be taken personally. But he didn't. I even suggested that he go for a session or two with my counsellor, but he wouldn't. I have such a range of emotions, from anger at him letting things get this bad, to not having the will power to stop himself from getting so close to this girl, to him not realising how much i have given up for him and our family, my career, independence etc, but above all when i look at him i hurt so badly, at his betrayal when i was at my most vulnerable.

He has been prescribed anti depressants and counselling, and we are attending marriage counselling. I really want us to work, but I don't know if i will be ever able to totally relax in this marriage, safe in the knowledge that he is a loyal faithfull husband. It really did come as a shock, and my whole family are shocked and devastated beyond belief. This behaviour is so out of character for him, and we have been together well over ten years in total. During the day we will text or email the odd time and get on well, but when he walks in the door and i see his face I just feel sick.

I suppose I am asking people will I ever get to feel the same way about him again? Will i get over this hurt? And the obvious question is whether i will ever be able to trust him again, but right now I really just dont want to feel disgusted to my core when i look at him.

Thanks for reading. I would really appreciate some opinions and advice.

VaioCruiser

Hi OP - I am really really sorry this has happened to you.

I know many others here will disagree with my view of this but this is how I feel as an older guy who has been married for a significant period, happily and unhappily.

We start off our relationships and we enter a state of complete bliss and we create expectations for ourselves of pure love and pure happiness and pure devotion to each other. And don't get me wrong, I think that it would be so wonderful if we could all have this and have it for as long as possible.
Unfortunately real life and the trials and tribulations of life come along and suddenly life becomes more complicated, more debilitating and more challenging.
As human being we do not all deal with these challenges the same way, and we don't always deal with them well. We make mistakes, we make bad decisions, we get hurt, we get angry, we do daft things.
I am not in any way excusing bad choices or stupidity. I am just saying that we are not robots and we bring baggage and our own weaknesses and neurosis to our relationships.

The problem is that from the start we create an expectation of perfection and when that expectation is shattered - we are suddenly faced with an unexpected and unwanted shock.

What matters is what we do when it happens. Do we decide that perfection is the only standard we will accept in life ? that we cannot live with a flawed person ? that mistakes can not be tolerated ? that only pure and undiminished devotion will be acceptable ?

I know that many here will say yes. They will say that they are 'entitled' to absolute devotion, that somehow 'cheating' is way beyond my concept of perfection ... I say that this expectation and sense of entitlement of a pure and unblemished relationship creates a life doomed to failure.
Of course some people do manage it - and some think they manage it because they never become aware of their partner's flaws.

I cannot and would not tell you what you should do or what how you should deal with your situation.

I would say to you that in my own personal view, Love is what matters in life. Love is flawed sometimes. I do not think we should throw it away or feel 'violated' by someone else's flawed action.

I could have quoted some of the divorce statistics above. I did not because in my view they tell many stories. One story they tell in my own personal opinion is a story of many couples who react to their partners mistakes and flaws with total intolerance, destroying good marriages for the wrong reasons. Second marriages are statistically even less successful perhaps because of this same reason.

I wish you all the best.

in two minds

Thanks Vaiocruser,
I actually pretty much agree with what you're saying, which is why I'm doing everything I can to make things right between us, but I can't help feeling extremely let down and hurt and I just dislike him so much right now! They are the feelings I want to overcome.

But I do understand what you mean, its almost like if you don't expect too much you won't be disappointed and anything you do get is a bonus.

Lady Muck

Hello, I am really sorry to hear what has happened. I would like to say I know what it feels like, it happened to me, although I am not with him as long as you or married but it does make you sick, I was sick.

I don't think it will ever go away, I do well for ages then all of a sudden it comes back and I cry. It is 6 months on for me and it hasn't gotten any easier. I am trying to be strong and I admire you for wanting to get through it. Maybe the reason I am finding it so hard is because I haven't sought help like you wish to.

He was/is depressed too. Not sure whether that is the reason for him cheating or not, only they know the answer to that. It is a horrible situation to be in.

Try to stay strong. You will feel sick looking at him for a while. I went off sex, couldn't even bear him near me in any way like that. I still have pangs of it now.

Hope you manage to get through it.

Beruthiel

It comes down to tolerance.
What one person can readily tolerate, another could never.
OP it's all down to what you can tolerate.
Right now you seem to be managing.
I say continue on the route you are going and give it some time.
None of us can know if you will feel the same way about him, let's say that you may feel another way, which doesn't make it better or worse.
If he is willing to put a big effort into this, perhaps ye will come out the other side stronger.
Best of luck!

in two minds

Lady Muck wrote: »

Hello, I am really sorry to hear what has happened. I would like to say I know what it feels like, it happened to me, although I am not with him as long as you or married but it does make you sick, I was sick.

I don't think it will ever go away, I do well for ages then all of a sudden it comes back and I cry. It is 6 months on for me and it hasn't gotten any easier. I am trying to be strong and I admire you for wanting to get through it. Maybe the reason I am finding it so hard is because I haven't sought help like you wish to.

He was/is depressed too. Not sure whether that is the reason for him cheating or not, only they know the answer to that. It is a horrible situation to be in.

Try to stay strong. You will feel sick looking at him for a while. I went off sex, couldn't even bear him near me in any way like that. I still have pangs of it now.

Hope you manage to get through it.

Thank you Lady Muck,
I'm sorry you went through that too.
On the depression side of things, has he sought help or counselling for himself? I also dont know if its a valid reason for cheating, I know its a valid problem but i hate to think of it as an 'excuse'.
Maybe if you want to feel better about things a place like Accord could help, it doesn't have to be for just married people. We're in the early stages of it ourselves and i'm hoping it works.

Lady Muck

He was on medication short term but they made him quite ill and he refused to go back to change them, he just stopped and I can see his mood returning now and it is putting a strain on us and naturally this is bringing it all back to me, worrying he may go off again.

I am glad your husband has sought help for himself though and am sure if you both put the work in, things will straighten out. I am not saying it will be forgotten, it will probably always be there but it won't be such a big deal some time down the line. Just make sure he proves himself to you that you can trust him in the future.

People do make mistakes and if this was a shock to you then obviously he is normally trustworthy so try to think of that also.

Taltos

in two minds wrote: »

I can't help feeling extremely let down and hurt and I just dislike him so much right now! They are the feelings I want to overcome.

I am not sure you really can or should overcome these feelings. I look very simplistically at things so I see it as either
a) you learn to accept these emotions and over time your dislike fades as you accept that he made a mistake and you learn to trust him again - with the help of counselling etc. Esp keeping in mind the causes.
b) your core feelings have been changed by his actions - it does happen - and despite loving him you realize you do not like your OH and you are no longer in love with him, so you split and move on.

btw - I hate that phrase - "I love you but am not in love with you" - that is codswallop - so when I say that what I mean is - "I love how we were - but I do not love how we are and cannot see me loving how we will be ever again" - happens when people grow apart or change too dramatically or fast for the other person.

Personally while cheating is a deal-breaker for me (jealous-imaginative type), at least he did not have sex with this girl. However it was still emotional cheating. At the end of the day only you can really decide this, especially keeping in mind that he was also suffering from depression and maybe this relationship - or the risk of it, gave him some hope in his despair.

Look - best case - you both learn from this and have a better relationship - in that he talks to you in future about everything and does not bottle it up like "the man" society trains us to be. This will only happen though if you both are honest here about why this happened and learn to deal with the emotions without throwing it up every time there is a fight.
Worst case - you split and learn to deal with the emotional fallout there.

Normally I am all about ending it in these circumstances but for some reason here I just do not know. Just really hope you make the choice that is best for you.

VaioCruiser

in two minds wrote: »

Thanks Vaiocruser,
I actually pretty much agree with what you're saying, which is why I'm doing everything I can to make things right between us, but I can't help feeling extremely let down and hurt and I just dislike him so much right now! They are the feelings I want to overcome.

But I do understand what you mean, its almost like if you don't expect too much you won't be disappointed and anything you do get is a bonus.

Hi again. I wanted to follow up to what I said in my first post. I hope you will understand it's not possible to say everything you want to on the first attempt.

First I hope I never gave the impression that I thought he had ANY excuse or reason to do what he did - whatever it was he did. Secondly I certainly believe that if your marriage is to survive HE has to work twice as hard as you. He was the one that screwed up.

I am certain you feel absolutely sick to your stomach and I guess the only answer to that - if there is answer ... is time. Time and HIS effort to make up for it. That combined with some of the things I said in my first post about expectations.

When you say, fairly, about my post :: "don't expect too much you won't be disappointed" ... I am not sure that is how I would see it. That sounds as if we are lowering our expectations below what is reasonable. I don't think that is the case. I think we MUST lower our expectations to what IS reasonable and fair and realistic for the flawed human beings we are. I think that this is a fair and acceptable thing to do in life. It is not ONLY fair and acceptable . . . it is NECESSARY if we are to be successful partners - in my opinion.

Someone else talks about "deal breakers" With abs no offense or judgment on them intended, I quite honestly believe that this is such a simplistic way of thinking and I truly believe that to hold that view, a person cannot have experienced true and complete love with their partner. Because when we are truly in love with our partner it is simply not possible to apply that kind of simplistic judgement and terminate - just like that. Marriage is not just an emotional and legal contract - it is an investment. A life investment.

Of course when the partner who screws up does not do what he/she needs to do to try to repair the marriage - clearly it cannot survive, and that regrettably happens and it is inevitable to happen. It still takes TWO to make a marriage survive. But I believe that if both partners really love each other, then it CAN survive and SHOULD survive. Life is too short to throw it away.

All the best.

Taltos

Hi OP & VC.

I really do agree with most of VC's comments - you are getting some really good advice there.
However as to life being too short to throw it all away - my take is that if you do decide to leave then you did not throw it all away. The partner that cheated did this for you.

Life is indeed too short - it is too short to spend it in a marriage where you are not appreciated or truly loved. I have experienced true love VC - and would never ever cheat on my OH. I also know she would not cheat on me. However as someone who has been cheated on in the past I have defined and clearly communicated limits beyond which are not appropriate for us to move.

Simple yes; but easy no. It would break my heart to leave my OH. But in the long run knowing how my mind works I know it would eat me up inside and eventually destroy both me and any remaining feelings I have for my OH were I to stay.

OP - VC and my opinions set aside only you can really decide what is ultimately right for you. Life is never perfect and much of it we cannot control, least of all our emotions. But right now you have to sit down and think deeply about what you need to do and what if anything you demand your OH to do. You might have had no control over him seeing this other woman - but right now all the cards are in your hands...

VaioCruiser

All good points from Taltos.

in two minds

Thank you everyone, some definite food for thought there.

I understand that I have so much to lose if I don't give this another go, but ultimately our child is the main reason. As was pointed out by VC in another thread, that child doesn't deserve to have her father walk off from the family unit because he isn't happy. He was the one to propose, and our child was planned, so he MUST take responsibilty for his actions, no, for his life choices.

This is a true love situation, we actually are eachothers first loves/relationships, so that probably adds to his reasons for straying.

I view his over interest in work, and the relationship with the girl as an escape from reality, like some men, his father actually, turned to drink when he was at the same point in his life. (recovering alcoholic now).

My worry is that what happens next time I want to have a child, or things are tough again healthwise/moneywise. Will he go off again? He really didnt take the whole 'in good times and in bad' vow seriously.

in two minds

Ok well now I am livid. He's out with work and simply hasn't bothered to text/ring me. His dinner is on the table since 7. I texted him to see how far away he was but no answer. At quarter to eight I decided to go ahead and eat mine alone, something I never do out of courtesy. Then it dawned on me. Earlier in the week he had mentioned a work 'lunch' for the entire company (including that girl). He knew I wasn't happy about it but since it was a lunch and not an after work thing there was nothing much I could do about it. so i finally ring him and he says he's on his way home, and he's obviously drunk. (he is not supposed to be drinking on the anti d''s.) Obviously he knew the best thing to do was keep quiet and go ahead out and then there was nothing I could do to stop him. It got to the point that i was hoping he was lying in a ditch somewhere rather than what i knew inside he was doing. I give up. These are hardly the actions of a husband who thinks he stands to loose everything and is doing his all to make things up. if he comes through these doors now I really wont be responsible for my actions. What a selfish, weak, disgusting person he is.

VaioCruiser

I have to agree OP. I am so sorry ... you must feel very very low.

I think that the best thing is say little or nothing and let him sleep on the couch and then tomorrow ... lay down the law and lay everything out on the table .... everything.... and tell him that you are on the verge of leaving and the only way you 'might' stay is if he gets his finger our of his a*rse and makes a HUGE difference in his behaviour. Give him a time deadline.

Yes... know... it's easy for me to say.

Best of luck...

in two minds

Thanks VC i feel like my world has ended again.
I physically threw him out as he was talking ****e. Couldn't even tell the time.
As far as i'm concerned its over now. Whether or not forever i dont know, either way he needs a touch of reality so he won't be coming back here for a long long time. Hopefully he'll get the fright of his life.

Taltos

VaioCruiser wrote: »

I have to agree OP. I am so sorry ... you must feel very very low.

I think that the best thing is say little or nothing and let him sleep on the couch and then tomorrow ... lay down the law and lay everything out on the table .... everything.... and tell him that you are on the verge of leaving and the only way you 'might' stay is if he gets his finger our of his a*rse and makes a HUGE difference in his behaviour. Give him a time deadline.

Yes... know... it's easy for me to say.

Best of luck...

+1
You have already given him a chance.
He has to be faced with the reality of what is going to happen to him.
Even go so far as to pack his bags and leave them in the hall for him to take with him.... This is risky though - he might just leave - so if this is not what you want then arrange for a babysitter tomorrow and you 2 talk asap...
The other outcome is faced with the door he might cop on. Either way - bags or talk (my pref) have a list ready of what you need from him.

He has so much to lose here and I do not know why he cannot see this or if he does maybe he is safe in the thought that you 2 are destined and you will just put up with his crap. The only other thought I have on this and I am hesitant to say it - well - he might be fully aware of his actions and this is the cowards way out - ie force you to throw him out or leave - he can then point back as the wounded hero who was abandoned by his wife...

Still hoping you 2 can work this out.

LegacyUser

Hi In two minds, God I'm so sorry to hear what you are going through, my heart breaks for you and your child. Having experienced the same thing myself I finally kicked OH out 3 months ago, I was left with no choice, he treated me terribly and barely left me with my dignity....And off he went.
He had always denied a third party but I've found out since there is/was one.
All I can say is stay strong, you did the right thing, this evening was the proverbial straw, you were really left with no choice either, maybe a bit of space might just be the thing ye both need to see things clearly.
Its so hard when the man youve trusted and loved completely thoughtlessly tears your world and your family assunder!! God they can be so selfish.
Just know that you are not alone, all our thoughts are with you, mind yourself.
S

VaioCruiser

in two minds wrote: »

Thanks VC i feel like my world has ended again.
I physically threw him out as he was talking ****e. Couldn't even tell the time.
As far as i'm concerned its over now. Whether or not forever i dont know, either way he needs a touch of reality so he won't be coming back here for a long long time. Hopefully he'll get the fright of his life.

I am so sorry OP. So sorry.

I really believe in what I posted in my first post. However ... and it's a big however, there is a tipping point in every situation irrespective of how understanding we are of our parters errors, bad decisions, failings and yes.. infidelities. When that tipping point arrives we often are left with no alternative but to show the red card.

You are doing the right thing. No matter what happens you will come out of this and things will get better.

All the best.

in two minds

Taltos wrote: »

+1
You have already given him a chance.
He has to be faced with the reality of what is going to happen to him.
Even go so far as to pack his bags and leave them in the hall for him to take with him.... This is risky though - he might just leave - so if this is not what you want then arrange for a babysitter tomorrow and you 2 talk asap...
The other outcome is faced with the door he might cop on. Either way - bags or talk (my pref) have a list ready of what you need from him.

He has so much to lose here and I do not know why he cannot see this or if he does maybe he is safe in the thought that you 2 are destined and you will just put up with his crap. The only other thought I have on this and I am hesitant to say it - well - he might be fully aware of his actions and this is the cowards way out - ie force you to throw him out or leave - he can then point back as the wounded hero who was abandoned by his wife...

Still hoping you 2 can work this out.

I actually packed his bags before, when i found out about the relationship ( ifound out - he didnt confess), and i sent him off to his mothers. He went, but came back to talk the next day, and about a week later he moved back in. Since then I felt he was totally taking me for granted, and nothing had changed (though i understand nothing would really change except maybe his attitude as the meds and counselling wouldn't have gotten the time they needed to have an effect). I brought this up with him last week, in a very serious conversation like you suggested, and there was a definite change in his attitude. However the shock had subsided in me and now i was faced with the reality of my dislike for him which was the reason i wrote my oringinal post.

Now though, I told him he can pack his own bags, (i'm too exhausted to go through it all again tomorrow), and i really dont care if thats the outcome he wants as there's no point in him staying if i dont know every friday night if he will be off drinking etc. He said he didnt want to come home. The thing is i never stopped him from his work nights out before (more fool me as thats when they first kissed), and he doesnt realise there can be a happy balance of our individual lives and our married life. In fact, had he rang me and told me he would be an hour late I would have respected that.
However, had the situation been reversed I would not have gone to the lunch given that my OH was still feeling so raw about things, and had I wanted to really work things out I would've come home for a nice dinner and evening in together. But he doesn't feel like that so whats the point.

On another note, maybe while getting carried away with the liberating effect of alcohol mixed with his pills, which i know from exp makes 2 drinks feel like 4, maybe he is still not 'well' enough to make a right decision as its early days with his treatment.

All i can do is sit tight and not let him home until a) he misses us so much and his life here that he wants to make a real effort, or b) he realises that he prefers his freedom, in which case i should consider myself having a lucky escape at the age of 30 from being with such a selfish man with no sense of loyalty to me or the child he chose to bring into the world but not take responsibilty for. And to think he begged me for a puppy for christmas. ****ing hell!!

in two minds

I just want to say thank you Vaiocruiser and Taltos for taking the time to reply to me. I appreciate it beyond words.

Taltos

You really do seem to have tried to do so much here, it's a real shame he cannot just grow up and meet you half way.

Whatever the final outcome is I wish you the best. You clearly deserve someone so much better than this. As you said even a call to let you know he would be late.... One word for him - PRAT.

If I was in his position after what he had already admitted to I think the last place I would go would be on another work night out - if only out of my love and respect for the woman I was with - never mind the mother of my child.

From your subsequent post it seems like he already knows the consequences but is willing to hurt you anyway; do his best to destroy your confidence. So give him what he wants... Set him free back to him mummy.

VaioCruiser

in two minds wrote: »

All i can do is sit tight and not let him home until a) he misses us so much and his life here that he wants to make a real effort, or b) he realises that he prefers his freedom, in which case i should consider myself having a lucky escape at the age of 30 from being with such a selfish man with no sense of loyalty to me or the child he chose to bring into the world but not take responsibility for. And to think he begged me for a puppy for christmas. ****ing hell!!

I agree OP. Crazy.

I can see from your posts that you love this man. And as such I really feel for you. It would make things so much easier if you did not. But that is life isn't it.

I believe from everything you have said, and subject to the fact that there ALWAYS two sides to everything - that you appear to be doing the right thing. I really do.

I would say to you that this is only the beginning of the next phase. Now you have to be strong and not collapse at the first sign of his capitulation.

I would suggest that he must earn his right to ask you to take him back (assuming that you EVER want him back, that is !) while he is living elsewhere. NOT let him back first. I also suggest that for your sake and that of your family, you must set a timetable for yourself. You cannot be wasting away a huge chunk of your life waiting around and battling back and forth with someone on the chance that they may and may not get a grip on their life and deserve your love.
If he cannot or will not do so, within a reasonable period of time - then you have been more than generous - and for your sake you will have to move on with your life.

As I have said before and say it again - it is easy for me to say...

All the best and you are more than welcome to any possible contribution I have made, or can make, to your decision making.

All the best

VaioCruiser

OP - again ...

May I also add that I believe that the way you have dealt with this whole situation in an admirable example to others reading this forum.

You have not thrown out the baby with the bath-water, out of some kind of intransigent fit.

You valued your love, your marriage. You were generous in your forgiveness, proving what love is all about.

However even love has it's limits.

All the best .. again.

jmbkay

Sorry you are going through this , OP. You seem to have been putting 100% into the marriage and himself very little. Best of luck.

MJOR

From the first post I thought that perhaps you could work thru this but the further down I went I must admit my dislike for your husband increased.

I know a girl who's husband cheated with a girl at work, similar circumstances to your own and came out the other end with a stringer better marriage.. However he made a concious effort i.e. moved departments within the company,changed his phone number and never attended a social event at work again. They went to counselling and are very happy since.

I always think that there are worse things someone can do to you than cheat. However I think that if you are to overcome it there should be a period of penance and then it should be out to bed. A big effort needs to be made from the person that cheated.

Unfortunately for whatever reason your husband is incapable or doesn't want this. Very sad that he does not want to fight for his realtionship but in all honesty you are better finding this out now! What matters here is your mental health. You need to be strong for you and your child. Do the right thing for you.... if the child has a happy mommy that is more important than having two parents in the same plce...

Good luck and be strong xxxxxx

in two minds

Thank you again to each and every one of you. I am on these boards not just to vent, but because i am in real distress so your advice and comments are very important to me.

Well the update is i landed on his parents doorstep yesterday after being told over the phone that he didn't want to be my husband anymore. There was quite a showdown, and i have to say i was accused, attacked, blamed, and undermined by 3 members of his family, namingly his mother. I was well able to fight my corner, but i tell you if i was not such a strong person i would have went home last night convinced this was all my fault. I have not gone into the finer details of how hard the last few years have been heathwise etc, but I made every choice and gave up everything and pushed myself and health to the limit for my husband and child. Thankfully he realises this, even if his family don't. Their reasoning is i am a bad wife which means he is unhappy and had an affair because i wasn't looking after him or his needs, (from my sick bed i might add). The thing is my husband grew up afraid to answer back to his controlling mother, and therefore cannot open up to anyone, but she would not even consider this a factor. And i had to bite my tongue not to sling that at her, as i cannot afford to have any ongoing upset between the families in the future.

The important part of this is that my husband and i made a pact to work on a list of things, both separately and together to make this marriage work. In the meantime we decided against him moving home, but we will meet regularly for counselling, a family day with our child, and an evening out for the two of us to 'court' again and remember why we are together.

For all the other crap i had to deal with from his family, and also for the rejection, betrayal, and emotional battering i've taken, I'm booking an appointment with a counseller for as soon as possible as God knows i need it. I need to learn not to let that woman's opinions matter to me. (so ridiculous you really have to laugh at them if they weren't so hurtful and untrue).

In the meantime please keep the support coming, i really could do with it!

Thanks again.

LegacyUser

Wow well done for fighting your corner and not throwing the towel in on your marriage. I'ts looking good, and I think the plan ye have made together is a really good move. Stay strong and best wishes for you and your family you really are some woman.
Take care
S

Wurly

You are so well rid of this (I apologise for what i'm about to say) arsehole and his family.

THANKS BE TO CHRIST you do not think ANY of this is your fault.

You have been to hell and back. Guess what? You're still standing. And you appear to be stronger than ever. GOOD FOR YOU!!

You're doing f*cking great. And if you need this thread to vent - do it!

As you can see, there are a lot of lovely people that post in PI. We'l all be here to support you as best we can. Let us know of any updates.

Seriously - you are doing great. Keep it up. X

in two minds

Trí wrote: »

You are so well rid of this (I apologise for what i'm about to say) arsehole and his family.

THANKS BE TO CHRIST you do not think ANY of this is your fault.

You have been to hell and back. Guess what? You're still standing. And you appear to be stronger than ever. GOOD FOR YOU!!

You're doing f*cking great. And if you need this thread to vent - do it!

As you can see, there are a lot of lovely people that post in PI. We'l all be here to support you as best we can. Let us know of any updates.

Seriously - you are doing great. Keep it up. X

Thanks Tri!
The trouble is I love him and I simply cannot allow him make this kind of decision when he really isn't of sound mind! I just want him to work on it with me, which is says he will now. We have such a long history together and these actions are so out of character that i really want us to get back on track as i know we can be good together under 'normal' life circumstances, and not the amount of crap life has thrown at us recently. (i'm also aware he needs to learn how to deal with the crap life throws at people and not bottle it up and end up where we are now). Also i have a child to consider, and since i come from a broken home myself it would tear me apart for my child to go through the same situation at such a young age.

Wurly

in two minds wrote: »

Thanks Tri!
The trouble is I love him and I simply cannot allow him make this kind of decision when he really isn't of sound mind! I just want him to work on it with me, which is says he will now. We have such a long history together and these actions are so out of character that i really want us to get back on track as i know we can be good together under 'normal' life circumstances, and not the amount of crap life has thrown at us recently. (i'm also aware he needs to learn how to deal with the crap life throws at people and not bottle it up and end up where we are now). Also i have a child to consider, and since i come from a broken home myself it would tear me apart for my child to go through the same situation at such a young age.

Yeah - I totally see what you're saying. Maybe my 'arsehole' comment was a bit much. I do apologise. I just really feel for you. I have been following your thread and I felt compelled to post after reading this evening's update.

I understand the broken home thing. But consider this. My parents stayed together. They shouldn't have. I witnessed some awful arguments when I was younger. They really affected me. I grew up thinking that aggression was the way to deal with things. You know, sometimes it's better to bring the child up yourself than have them in an unhappy home.

I think counselling will be great for you. It's an important step at the moment. And you should be proud of yourself for making that decision.

I know you want this to work. But really, only stay in this if he makes a huge effort. You have your happiness to consider. You have one life. Make sure you are content.

Sending you a big e/hug.xx

in two minds

Trí wrote: »

Yeah - I totally see what you're saying. Maybe my 'arsehole' comment was a bit much. I do apologise. I just really feel for you. I have been following your thread and I felt compelled to post after reading this evening's update.

I understand the broken home thing. But consider this. My parents stayed together. They shouldn't have. I witnessed some awful arguments when I was younger. They really affected me. I grew up thinking that aggression was the way to deal with things. You know, sometimes it's better to bring the child up yourself than have them in an unhappy home.

I think counselling will be great for you. It's an important step at the moment. And you should be proud of yourself for making that decision.

I know you want this to work. But really, only stay in this if he makes a huge effort. You have your happiness to consider. You have one life. Make sure you are content.

Sending you a big e/hug.xx

Oh feel free to call him an arsewhole you needn't apologise, he deserves worse, i'm under no illusion there!

I think if he doesn't put the effort in it will be him making the decision to leave as he will still not be happy and he equates his home life with happiness, something that he will need to work on in his own counselling. I dread that outcome to be honest, and the thought of being a single mum at 30 fills me with so much fear. Not to mention having to go through any more relationships and all they entail..but no point projecting too far with that!

Wurly

in two minds wrote: »

Oh feel free to call him an arsewhole you needn't apologise, he deserves worse, i'm under no illusion there!

I think if he doesn't put the effort in it will be him making the decision to leave as he will still not be happy and he equates his home life with happiness, something that he will need to work on in his own counselling. I dread that outcome to be honest, and the thought of being a single mum at 30 fills me with so much fear. Not to mention having to go through any more relationships and all they entail..but no point projecting too far with that!

Yeah I know. But really, you're only 30. It's not like you're ancient.;). And as much as single mother thing fills you with dread - you'd survive. And after a time, you'd be totally fine.

Would it be at all possible for you to try and focus your thoughts on making yourself feel better? Its just, well, if you're hoping for him to come back and he doesnt... I'd be afraid you'd feel rejected all over again.

If I was in your situation, what advice would you give to me?

When does this counselling start? Also - are you into meditation/yoga etc etc? I think it could be good for you in terms of clearing your poor head. It must be whirling around like mad.x

in two minds

Trí wrote: »

Yeah I know. But really, you're only 30. It's not like you're ancient.;). And as much as single mother thing fills you with dread - you'd survive. And after a time, you'd be totally fine.

Would it be at all possible for you to try and focus your thoughts on making yourself feel better? Its just, well, if you're hoping for him to come back and he doesnt... I'd be afraid you'd feel rejected all over again.

If I was in your situation, what advice would you give to me?

When does this counselling start? Also - are you into meditation/yoga etc etc? I think it could be good for you in terms of clearing your poor head. It must be whirling around like mad.x

Yeah i kinda meant i am too young at 30 to have a failed marriage. That bit upsets me. I really have no idea what advice i would give to someone in the same situation. I'm just making things up as i go along, and trying not to crumble under it all. I'm going to go for personal counselling this week. The marriage counselling has already began, as has my husband's personal counselling. I really do have to use it to make myself strong enough to deal with any outcome. As for the meditation etc, thats a good idea, i have some cds, i must start using them again each day.

VaioCruiser

in two minds wrote: »

The important part of this is that my husband and i made a pact to work on a list of things, both separately and together to make this marriage work. In the meantime we decided against him moving home, but we will meet regularly for counselling, a family day with our child, and an evening out for the two of us to 'court' again and remember why we are together.

For all the other crap i had to deal with from his family, and also for the rejection, betrayal, and emotional battering i've taken, I'm booking an appointment with a counseller for as soon as possible as God knows i need it. I need to learn not to let that woman's opinions matter to me. (so ridiculous you really have to laugh at them if they weren't so hurtful and untrue).

In the meantime please keep the support coming, i really could do with it!

Thanks again.

Hi OP. Wow.. What an ugly and nasty experience. I don't know why you ended up at his family doorstep families stick together especially then there is a showdown ....

On the other hand I am honestly happy that there is now some kind of path forward. It sounds like you are making solid progress. I am saying this not because all is hunky dory and it's be roses.... but because you are doing all you can and he is getting his opportunity to step up. If he fails .. then it certainly won't be your fault. Let us always remember LOVE is worth fighting for.

About his family. We don't marry a family. They may be miserable nasty people, but that doesn't mean your marriage should be abandoned just because of them. One of the things I believe that HE must deal with as part of any reconciliation is that HE sorts out his family and their attitude to, and respect for, you. In all relationships we are responsible for our family and any trouble or problems they cause.
I commend you on your strength and fortitude and determination not to let them get to you. No matter how strong we are we can all be hurt. HE needs to play a big role in this.

All the best for the next stage in this process.

in two minds

VaioCruiser wrote: »

Hi OP. Wow.. What an ugly and nasty experience. I don't know why you ended up at his family doorstep families stick together especially then there is a showdown ....

On the other hand I am honestly happy that there is now some kind of path forward. It sounds like you are making solid progress. I am saying this not because all is hunky dory and it's be roses.... but because you are doing all you can and he is getting his opportunity to step up. If he fails .. then it certainly won't be your fault. Let us always remember LOVE is worth fighting for.

About his family. We don't marry a family. They may be miserable nasty people, but that doesn't mean your marriage should be abandoned just because of them. One of the things I believe that HE must deal with as part of any reconciliation is that HE sorts out his family and their attitude to, and respect for, you. In all relationships we are responsible for our family and any trouble or problems they cause.
I commend you on your strength and fortitude and determination not to let them get to you. No matter how strong we are we can all be hurt. HE needs to play a big role in this.

All the best for the next stage in this process.

Thank you VC,
Up to now his family have always thought highly of me and vice versa even though i could see his mothers faults, and i'm sure they noticed faults of mine too.. But they lashed out at me because i think they really weren't acknowledging any wrongdoing on their beloved son's part. But as you say i didnt marry them, they are just surplus and i can control the amount of input they have in my life.

kizzabel

hi in two minds

sometimes its harder to take him back but when you see a glimmer of hope and when all you're reasoning still adds up to your relationship being viable then i applaud you for taking the harder route.

i instinctively thought something was wrong in my relationship but couldnt see (well didnt want to acknowledge) that he was cheating. we broke up, later that week i found out i was expecting (impecible timing naturally)

i knew he was the one. so like a lap dog i followed him around looking for approval, avoided slinging mud, keeping in with his family and seeing him on the sly for my entire pregnancy and the first 5 months of my daughters life in a bid to win him back. i did. his reason for cheating - i had told him about a sleaze who tried it on while out on a girlie night. he felt threatened. bam.
it hurts that he took so long to break up with her and in the end she rigged things and was expecting. the weekend before my LO was born she had an abortion but he felt he could not leave until her grief had abaited.
her plan hadnt worked out.

had i not been pregnant, i, in hindsight, think i would have turned on my heel and walked. who wants an unhappy endding at 18. but it showed me what i had to lose and crazy as it is to some, i could not bear to lose him

we've worked hard over the past 4 years. and hard its been, while hes not very expressive i know im valued, loved, cared for and protected. its been hard, heartbreaking, soul crushing and a learning curve.

4 years down the road its good. its worked out and so many people told me i was crazy, wrong, stupid but you know deep down when its right.

it will take time, courage, determination, patience and compromise but you are clearly a strong, intelligent woman who weighs things up. i wish you well and hope things get back on track.

MJOR

Tread carefully please. Make sure he puts in the work and deserves to earm back your respect. His familys' behaviour is appauling but i'm not shocked, they heard one side of the story and put them to the back of your mind.

Please take my advice and take this whole situation one step at a time. It will be a lengthy process and hopefullt you'll get what you need by the end. Be strong

Wurly

in two minds wrote: »

Yeah i kinda meant i am too young at 30 to have a failed marriage. .

That is a load of bollix for a start, OP. If something doesn't work, it doesn't work.

And if this doesn't end up working, NO ONE can say you didn't try.

This situation is hard enough. Don't be filling your mind with this sort of junk also.

Hopefully this will work out for you. But if it doesn't, there is nothing wrong with having a failed marraige, having a failed marraige at 30, being a single mother at 30. You didn't choose any of this.

Sure the same thing could happen to me or anyone else. Don't entertain any of that, OP.X

jmbkay

OP you are putting so much into your marriage. I really hope you get the love and respect you deserve. You are so strong, stay that way whatever the outcomes. I and I'm sure the other posters are thinking of you and your child.

in two minds

jmbkay wrote: »

OP you are putting so much into your marriage. I really hope you get the love and respect you deserve. You are so strong, stay that way whatever the outcomes. I and I'm sure the other posters are thinking of you and your child.

Thank you so much.

Things are very amicable at the moment and i think my husband feels like a huge weight has been lifted off his shoulders since the big family talk. I think he realises we are all on the same page, (whereas before his mind was in turmoil) and we all want the best possible outcome, despite the mud slinging his family did.

He comes over the odd evening to spend an hour or two with us, and then heads off.

I start my personal counselling this week thank god, i really need it. I'm starting to feel a lonliness and sadness that reminds me of my early days of post natal depression - i'm really afraid of slippping backwards.

VaioCruiser

Hi OP.

So much good progress

This is the time when you need to call in your friends and your doctor and make sure you are getting the best care. Don't turn to the ex for comfort or the cycle will start all over again. It will feel great to begin with ... but slide down soon enough.

Hang in their and get the help you need. (and remember those friends !)

All the best - as always.

redfacedbear

VaioCruiser wrote: »

Hi OP.

So much good progress

This is the time when you need to call in your friends and your doctor and make sure you are getting the best care. Don't turn to the ex for comfort or the cycle will start all over again. It will feel great to begin with ... but slide down soon enough.

Hang in their and get the help you need. (and remember those friends !)

All the best - as always.

Good advice which I'll add to with: I know it's hard with all the crap that's going on (not to mention the whole full-time motherhood thing!) but you remember there is a 'you' that needs some of your attention too.

I'd suggest that you get your husband to mind your daughter a couple of evenings each week and get out of the house - meet friends for a meal, go to the gym or for a walk, take up a course, whatever.

All the best

in two minds

VaioCruiser wrote: »

Hi OP.

This is the time when you need to call in your friends and your doctor and make sure you are getting the best care. Don't turn to the ex for comfort or the cycle will start all over again. It will feel great to begin with ... but slide down soon enough.

That's so true..

We share a big group of friends (we met through them), all couples either married or engaged, one or two with children, some expecting. We are a solid group and there has never been any bitching/backstabbing amongst us, it sounds too good to be true but it is. Now we don't live in each others pockets, but we meet up regularly enough. I chose not to tell them about this, on the advice from someone who has been in my situation, as if and when we work things out it could be very difficult for my husband to shake off the judgements and comments of others. However i did confide in a close female friend of mine separate to the group, and she is being brilliant.

As far as the doctor is concerned I really dont want to go back on the anti d's as when on them i put on weight and completely lost my libido which only added to our problems and distance in the run up to this.

I'd suggest that you get your husband to mind your daughter a couple of evenings each week and get out of the house - meet friends for a meal, go to the gym or for a walk, take up a course, whatever.

Thanks redfacedbear, september is a good time for courses etc so i will take up an exercise class i think. It will mean (when he moves back in in time) between that and his football training we will be apart a few evenings a week which can only improve things, giving him the head space he needs. I find if i do social things alone I feel incredibly lonely (only happens when i'm feeling a bit down) for example i brought my daughter to a toddler group this morn and felt very sad looking around me.

VaioCruiser

in two minds wrote: »

However i did confide in a close female friend of mine separate to the group, and she is being brilliant.

This is what you need. Someone to talk to. Someone to vent with when you need it. Someone to tell you you're doing well, or you are slipping ..

I didn't intend to imply you go on medication - but make sure you do what it takes to stay together.

Loneliness is inevitable and natural. It's not the end of the world. Embrace it a bit. Time alone is healing and affirming if you take it positively and don't just see it as a negative experience.

All the best.

Taltos

OP

Just want you to know that you are a real inspiration.
You have kept your cool, behaved like an adult and made reasonable requests.
Not only that you went into a situation where you knew you could be attacked and through it all you stood your ground.

Really do hope that the counselling works for you both.
Good idea about taking up a new activity as well.

Maybe also just put aside even 20 min a day or an hour or 2 at the weekends where you just have you time - you know do something to spoil yourself a bit, or just listen to some music you enjoy.

For what it's worth from a stranger - I am really impressed by everything I have read here. Really hope others take inspiration from this.

in two minds

Taltos wrote: »

OP

Just want you to know that you are a real inspiration.
You have kept your cool, behaved like an adult and made reasonable requests.
Not only that you went into a situation where you knew you could be attacked and through it all you stood your ground.

Really do hope that the counselling works for you both.
Good idea about taking up a new activity as well.

Maybe also just put aside even 20 min a day or an hour or 2 at the weekends where you just have you time - you know do something to spoil yourself a bit, or just listen to some music you enjoy.

For what it's worth from a stranger - I am really impressed by everything I have read here. Really hope others take inspiration from this.

Gosh thank you Taltos, that means so much because as i said before i am just winging it at the moment,no one knows how to act in this sort of situation, when you find yourself with so much at stake and on a rollercoaster of emotions. At least now i know i am talking some sense and cannot be accused of being controlling/insensitive etc by SOME people who happen to be related to my husband!

i will indeed take some time out each day. at the moment when my mind keeps replaying those awfully unfair accusations i pick up my book and read a few chapters, even if i have to read the same paragraph over and over for it to go in.