Yet Another Breakup Thread

LegacyUser · 04-08-2009 11:45pm #1

Hi all

I'm sorry if this seems a bit hard to read or written poorly, but I need to vent and get some advice.My gf of six months broke up with me last Tuesday. She works as a retail manager in a different county, so it was an LDR, with me doing most of the travelling due to her irregular hours. I had kind of seen it coming as she had told me a month before she was kind of having trouble putting her heart into it, but we put it down to a particularly stressful fortnight in her job. Now that it's happened, I am gutted. The goodbye was just agonising, I called a taxi to my house for her and watched her drive away in what could have been the last time I ever get to see her.

We went to see U2 on the Monday night and we had a great time. I was thinking maybe we were back on track, but when I woke up on Tuesday she told me she still felt the same as she did a month ago, and she didn't think it could change. Her big problem was a general unhappiness with the relationship she was feeling that she had trouble describing. She did highlight some issues she had, like she felt we didn't really have that much in common, she felt I sometimes held back in the relationship and that she found me too passive (I didn't really rise to her during arguments) and that she worried I didn't care enough to respond. She also said she sometimes worried I was only in the relationship to be in a relationship and not to be with her, which isn't true. She did make the valid point that serious problems like this shouldn't be occurring after only 6 months.

The final two weeks were tough - she didn't lay a finger on me apart from to hug me goodbye or kiss me. When we went to the U2 gig, I went to hold her hand on the way up and she didn't quite flinch, but she looked uncomfortable. I respect her courage and decency in breaking up with me in my own privacy at home, rather than dragging me down to hers and sending me back devastated, or worse yet, texting me.

She was bawling, apologising non stop when she did it. She said she still loved me to bits, thought I was gorgeous and didn't want to feel the way she did and it was tearing her up inside. She said she has been plagued with doubts about the break up and had been crying every day since it, but felt she had to do something. She said she's also been guilt-ridden, constantly apologising for hurting me which I've tried to stop her doing. Yesterday though she changed her Facebook relationship status all the same. She does seem to be miserable over the break-up which suprised me and made me feel sorry for her.

We have been texting every day for the past week. We talked over the phone twice. I can't bear not to talk to her and she feels the same - it would be too painful to cut each other out of our lives right now. I think I'm semi-consciously hoping she'll clear her head and change her mind, but I know I can't count on that.

I guess I'm looking for advice on what might make it easier. I'm trying to stay positive, with working and meeting up with friends and exercising and avoiding alcohol. But I dread the day that she no longer feels anything for me. I want her to get happier and more positive but still, it breaks my heart to think it could happen.

Wibbs · 05-08-2009 8:04am

First off, you're right bang smack in the middle of the worst part of this and having it happen at the 6 month stage is difficult. It will pass. It will be tough at times, but you will get through it and come out the other side hopefully the better for it. How fast that happens and how well you come out of it is down to you. Not at the moment, as it's in the extreme stage, but down the line and hopefully soon enough. Fair play for laying off the drink and getting out with mates. Good call.

You have to take emotional steps though and first step is stop contact. All contact. It is doing you no good. You have the advantage she's a distance away so you won't be bumping into her everyday.

ReallySad wrote: »

We have been texting every day for the past week. We talked over the phone twice. I can't bear not to talk to her and she feels the same - it would be too painful to cut each other out of our lives right now.

Examine that. It would be painful for you both, but IMHO for very different reasons. You're still hoping she'll change her mind. Chances are she won't. Why? Basically she doesn't feel "it" for you. She may like/love you, but she's not in love with you. Now she's missing you but doesn't want to lose the friendship and probably has a lot of guilt for not feeling the same way for you thrown in. Two very different reasons for staying in contact. Neither good.

Break contact nicely, wish her well, but ask her not to contact you again. Best step you can make IMHO.

LegacyUser · 15-08-2009 8:56pm

Well it's been 2 1/2 weeks now since we broke up. I still am really upset at times, but I am starting to see the benefit of breaking up and being single in general. It's been really tough, and a major shock to the system. I've been comforting myself by visiting the places we used to spend together, which I suppose in the long-term is not ideal, but in the short-term, helps. I'm definitely in the anger phase now, as I blamed myself for a lot of the break up, but now I'm starting to realise I am who I am and there's nothing wrong or abnormal about me.

She said lately that I'm so great, my only problem is that I'm literally too nice, which she says is based on me not getting heated up in arguments. I don't see the point frankly, I like to think about whats said for a while, formulate a response and then talk it out. I don't see the reason for getting heated up, saying things I don't mean and making it worse. She interpreted my behaviour as a lack of caring about the relationship though. She seems to equate heated argument as a sign that the two people are sufficiently emotionally invested in the relationship, which I think is bulls**t frankly.

I also said to her that I felt she thought I was too laid back and happy to just coast along, for the reasons I just mentioned above which, in retrospect I think is unfair given it was an LDR, I spent the vast majority of the time and money travelling and sacrificed my only social time, which is the weekend, to be with her. I talked to my friends about the situation, they said her breaking up was very strange, that surely if she loved me and fancied me we would have worked it out.

What annoys me more than anything else, is that she's had a lot of boyfriends, but I'm the first one she's loved tgar she's broken up with herself. The rest broke it off with her because they were cheating on her with someone else, or that they only wanted to be f**kbuddies or were going away. So I guess maybe I am too nice for her.

I decided not to text her for a couple of days and see how that went. It's been hard as I'm wondering what she's doing and if she's going out and having loads of fun without me. I think one of the biggest battles you wage during a breakup is with your own mind, as it seems to want to trip you up and have you worrying about stuff you can't control. I did up a pro's/con's list the other day, and I came up with 10 pros and 7 cons.

It's great though being able to look at other girls and not feel guilty, although I dread going back onto the singles scene, as it seriously sucks in Dublin. I suppose I should just join a club or society and meet people through that.

Sorry if this post seems random, but I'm just venting, and I hoped it might also give insight into anyone else experiencing a breakup right now.

LegacyUser · 15-08-2009 10:27pm

Just going through the same thing myself. And I am on the same end as you.

All my b'f's ex's broke up with him and seemed like totaly B****** - He broke up with me! Go figure. I am too nice too.

I'm 37 and would be happy to meet up with u to chat if u like as u say u dont know where to start again if u r interested

MissyN · 15-08-2009 11:26pm

ReallySad wrote: »

She said lately that I'm so great, my only problem is that I'm literally too nice, which she says is based on me not getting heated up in arguments. I don't see the point frankly, I like to think about whats said for a while, formulate a response and then talk it out. I don't see the reason for getting heated up, saying things I don't mean and making it worse. She interpreted my behaviour as a lack of caring about the relationship though. She seems to equate heated argument as a sign that the two people are sufficiently emotionally invested in the relationship, which I think is bulls**t frankly.

Hi OP

I completely agree with you on this. Everyone processes situations differently and I actually think that you're way of processing arguments is very wise and mature. If more people were like this, they'd save themselves from blurting out awful hurtful stuff that can only make the situation worse.

In relation to the breakup, I know you're feeling awful right now and you will continue to feel bad for a few more weeks at least (sorry!) but trust me when I tell you that in time you'll be fine. I was very upset when my bf initially broke up with me but now I feel so much better and I'm actually glad it happened. He wasn't the one for me and I know that now. I couldn't stand to not have contact with him when it first happened but honestly now I've no interest in seeing him at all. He broke my heart so theres no reason for me to ever WANT to see him again. In time, you'll feel much better and genuinely won't want to have that contact with her. It's over now and you'll move on like we all do.

Good luck

merlie · 16-08-2009 12:59am

Hello OP.

I am going through the break up of a LDR whom I have had a relationship with for the past 5 years. Our 6th year anniversary would have been next month. I in Dublin and he in England. It really hurts like hell. The worse part for me is that although we still communicate via text, there is not much else. It seems I am doing all the work now to keep some semblance of friendship ( what he had wanted after our break up ) alive. But his actions say otherwise. Worse still the feeling of becoming 'the stranger,' when you have had a close relationship history and always thought that they were another you and your life being enveloped by them, hard to move on from

I know right now only to well the mixed emotions you must be feeling, anger, hurt, sadness etc. It is such a confusing time and you will be going over and over in your mind as to how you could have made things better and help the situation but you can't as it is in the past now. I too, never thought that I would find myself here. You must have felt more for her than she for you hence she would not have broken from you despite her feelings. You would not if you love someone. But she may have cared enough about you to break it the way she did and leave some respect for both of you.

You say you visited the places you used to go with her! I wouldn't be able to do such a thing, after my relationship ended. I would be in bits as all my feelings are raw when I see things that remind me of him. I do not know where you had the strength to do that!!

I think for now you need to re evaluate where you are going and what you want. You need to take time for you, baby steps, and get back to being you. It is really really hard to do this to find yourself out there on your own again and having to contemplate life as a single person. But there is no rush with anything and I am taking each day as it comes for the moment as that is the way I am coping now.

I randomly break down and cry as you can imagine what it might be like if it had been 5 years down the line, as it was for me, which is worse than your 6 months. Count yourself lucky with that. I am sorry to have put it that way but you can understand what I mean and I am not saying that any relationship no matter how short isn't painful in a break up, cos all break ups are.

I recently just started playing some music that helped me a bit. I know that maybe some songs may help ease it a little. I find some strength when I hear them for example: Dont tell me by avril lavigne, break out by swing out sister and stronger by the sugababes and lastly, always look on the bright side of life by monty python! I am selective by what I play music wise, as is with dvd movies etc as they are things that remind me of him.

Well I really hope that you can find yourself back again and start to enjoy the small things in life. Take each day as it comes, be kind to yourself and stop punishing yourself and remember who you were before you ever knew her, that was you and is still you.

I wish you the best of luck

Merle

Wormking2002 · 16-08-2009 1:27am

went through what ur are going through but believe me, u will get throught it...was 5 years with the chick, and still think abt her but am now able to talk to her abt who shes interested in...time is the greatest healer...kept my mind full when i broke up and basically thats the way to go..how you choose to do that is ur choice but i think thats the way to go....drink, drugs, sport whatever gets ya through it...

pistonsvox · 16-08-2009 3:45am

Hope everythings goin ok dude. Problem with my ex is is...she had problems with her ex. :rolleyes: So for the last few dodgey months of our relationship she just breaks it on and off without barely letting me know whats going on, leaving me hurt and frustrated. Then finally just faded out without giving me proper closure. And one of the reasons before for her being angry at me was becuse i was too nice and never got angry or anything, you just cant win.

I'm almost over this girl thank god. Just a very confusing end to a relationship thats left my head completely messed up. Now dyin to just find a woman that actually will care.

Main thing that got me through this so far is travelling...flings with women abroad...and rockin out with my band. Smoked cigs for a few months too but stopped again cos my lungs are killing me :pac:
Hope all goes well for ye man. Feels good to rant here also.

LegacyUser · 16-08-2009 11:38pm

well u have the music so thats a good channel to get rid of any thoughts u are having and your band benefits also...they say good music comes from the heart...

VaioCruiser · 17-08-2009 11:38am

Hello "ReallySad".

I have read all of your posts and what other people say is absolutely correct.

However I would suggest to you that the sooner you accept that this is a relationship that is doomed to failure the better for your mental health. Yes, I know that sounds cold, but the longer you allow the fizzle-out period to drag on and on and on ... the more pain you will suffer.

It is clear from what you have posted that your GF likes you a lot. It is clear that she is very caring and is being ever so sweet and gentle with you.

But it is also clear that she does NOT see you are BF material anymore and that will never ever ever change in my personal experience.

So the longer you spend in this period the more hurt you will suffer. I believe you need a clean break for a few months to allow you to heal and fill your life with other things. After that you may be in a place where you can be friends again ... but I am not so sure.

All the best.

LegacyUser · 18-08-2009 1:55pm

Hi Guys

Thanks for all your replies, they've been really helpful. Right now I don't really know what the future holds. Things are getting really strange between us now. I decided not to text her for a few days on Thursday. On Sunday she sent me a text asking was I was ok, and when I said I was and asked why she was asking, she said kind of angrily "eh because I haven't heard from you in days that's why!".

I went to ring her then and she didn't pick up. She texted afterwards saying "I'm really not up for talking right now. What would I have to say to you, what do you have to say to me? ". This really upset me, I was thinking "WTF?? Do you want to talk to me or not like."Since then, I've been getting four or five word responses to my texts, and we just end up talking about her job and how stressful it is. I can't remember when she last asked me how I was or showed an interest in my life. I really have no idea what she's playing at.

I'm starting to think she is suffering from depression or something because of her erratic behaviour, and the lack of concrete reasons for us breaking up. Anybody have any thoughts on this?

LegacyUser · 18-08-2009 3:34pm

She's messing with your head. Dont reply to her any more and try to get on with your life.

LegacyUser · 18-08-2009 4:28pm

ReallySad wrote: »

Hi Guys

Thanks for all your replies, they've been really helpful. Right now I don't really know what the future holds. Things are getting really strange between us now. I decided not to text her for a few days on Thursday. On Sunday she sent me a text asking was I was ok, and when I said I was and asked why she was asking, she said kind of angrily "eh because I haven't heard from you in days that's why!".

I went to ring her then and she didn't pick up. She texted afterwards saying "I'm really not up for talking right now. What would I have to say to you, what do you have to say to me? ". This really upset me, I was thinking "WTF?? Do you want to talk to me or not like."Since then, I've been getting four or five word responses to my texts, and we just end up talking about her job and how stressful it is. I can't remember when she last asked me how I was or showed an interest in my life. I really have no idea what she's playing at.

I'm starting to think she is suffering from depression or something because of her erratic behaviour, and the lack of concrete reasons for us breaking up. Anybody have any thoughts on this?

OP my ex is doing the same thing to me. He broke up with me but likes having me here as an emotional crutch or a love sick puppy or something. I decided a few weekends ago to turn my phone off when I went out as I had texted him twice the night before and he didnt answer. I checked on it about midnight and i had four texts from him asking why I wasnt replying, and that he would call me if I didnt reply soon, he then kept calling as he knew I was out which I ignored but I ended up talking to him later on that night. My suspicion is he didnt want me to chat to any other men.

The next day when I texted him he only wrote back once and ignored the rest of my texts and I felt so stupid. Its like he couldnt handle me not being there for him and he had to get me back in this needy position. Like your ex he also always talks about his stresses and his problems, never mine (and I have alot going on in my life besides him but I dont bring it up) he broke up with me for a load of confusing reasons and cries to me that he misses me. Its all a total head wreck. If you love someone be with them. Simple. Cut the crap life is short.

You should move on. I havent talked to him since that weekend and I feel so much better. I am looking at guys loads more too and there are lots of them! Enjoy your time to yourself and stop thinking so much as you can never really know whats going on with another person. You can only judge their actions, and she is playing with you, not saying its on purpose but she is.

Wibbs · 18-08-2009 4:38pm

ReallySad wrote: »

Right now I don't really know what the future holds.

Without going all gooey new agey BS about it, for the most part the truth is the future holds what your will makes it hold. Yep you'll have crappy times and good times, some will be of your doing, but many won't be. Just the way it is. If you concentrate on you and making your life better, in education, career, social life, family life, interests and yes new romantic relationships, then you won't go far wrong. You really won't.

Things are getting really strange between us now.

OK what follows is my admittedly cynical take on this....

I decided not to text her for a few days on Thursday.

Good. Keep it up and ignore her emotional guff.

On Sunday she sent me a text asking was I was ok,

Translation; "what's changed? Why isn't he texting me like before? I don't like this. I was the one in control before."

and when I said I was and asked why she was asking, she said kind of angrily "eh because I haven't heard from you in days that's why!".

False concern. Now she may believe it, but I don't buy it. If she had the insight to think of you, she would have not texted you. Or if she did, she wouldn't have gotten all dramatic with her reply.

I went to ring her then and she didn't pick up.

Which would have given her the ego boost and emotional feedback and beack in control feeling she was looking for.

She texted afterwards saying "I'm really not up for talking right now. What would I have to say to you, what do you have to say to me? ". This really upset me,

It was designed to. More to the point it was designed to get you back in the little box she has you in. Standard operational procedure for the emotionally needy. I would put money this kinda stuff was evident before, even in the short a time you had together.

I was thinking "WTF?? Do you want to talk to me or not like."

Oh she does, but on her terms. The breakup was on her terms which is fine, but she was also doing the whole, "it's not you, it's me" and "I wish I felt what I should for you" stuff. That can be true and genuine, but in this case I suspect not.

Since then, I've been getting four or five word responses to my texts,

Stop texting her. Seriously. Walk away. You will get nothing from this. Guaranteed.

and we just end up talking about her job and how stressful it is. I can't remember when she last asked me how I was or showed an interest in my life.

Of course not. You're not in her way of thinking. It's all about her. Again I suspect this is not the first example of this and I reckon she was pulling this when you were together. Now she can do it as you let her and she doesn't have the responsibility of a relationship to deal with. Great for her. Crap for you.

I'm starting to think she is suffering from depression or something because of her erratic behaviour,

Could be, but IMHO it's more likely she's just more self centered than what you're used to and while doesn't want a relationship with you, wants to keep the connection until some other guy fills it.

and the lack of concrete reasons for us breaking up.

I don't want to sound like a git for saying this and I genuinely say it out of concern for your head and heart, but she gave you concrete reasons, just jumbled up in terms to make it easier for her and make her feel less guilty and to keep you in play, but not as a lover.

Her reasons IMHO? She may like you, but she doesn't like you enough, no matter what excuses or reasons she gives. That IMHO is what it boils down to. A variation on the usual theme of "I love you, but I'm not in love with you" and the translation for that is what's going on here and the translation is simple. I love/like you, but I don't fancy you/fancy you enough anymore to see a future together.

My advice is to scrape her off and do it as soon as. No explanations, no getting into the whys and wherefores, just goodbye I wish you the best, but I would prefer if we don't stay in contact. Now when you do this, I'll put good money her texts will start again. Ignore them completely. It won't be easy, but it will get easier. What every text she sends should tell you is that she is still thinking about herself and her wants, not yours. You've asked that she stop, yet she continues. That should be explanation enough.

My take anyway.

MissyN · 18-08-2009 7:26pm

ReallySad wrote: »

On Sunday she sent me a text asking was I was ok, and when I said I was and asked why she was asking, she said kind of angrily "eh because I haven't heard from you in days that's why!".

I went to ring her then and she didn't pick up. She texted afterwards saying "I'm really not up for talking right now. What would I have to say to you, what do you have to say to me? ".

This kinda behaviour could drag on for weeks if you let it OP.

Honestly don't make the same mistake as me and let that lovely breakup pain drag on for several weeks. People told me to cut contact right away and I was all 'we were so special and i want to be his friend' blah blah, all crap in my head of course. Theres nothing 'special' about a relationship thats breaking up. Nip it in the bud now and try, if you can, to not have any more contact with her. It'll save you so much grief and you'll feel better so much sooner.

how dare she have the attitude with you when she's the one who broke up with you.

LegacyUser · 18-08-2009 8:05pm

Yeah cutting contact would simplify things to some extent but it would really hard at the same time. I don't want to portray her as a wench because she isn't at all. During the relationship she was so caring and so attentive. She really looked after me and went to great lengths to make me happy. We had lots and lots of fun together, going on holiday and that.

It dawned on me this evening that maybe her behaviour is out of anger - she feels that I'm getting over her too quickly or more quickly than she is over me, probably exacerbated when I didn't text her for a few days - she did say couple of times over the past three weeks that I did seem to be handling it much better, almost as if I was the one who did the breaking up. She might be worried that she didn't mean as much to me as I did to her, which was definitely not the case. But I'm not sure what to do about that.

Salome · 18-08-2009 8:29pm

I'm with Wibbs on this - she doesn't love you enough. So what's the point in hanging about waiting for some scraps from her table when she feels like it?

Walk away while you still have some dignity.

Wibbs · 18-08-2009 8:52pm

ReallySad wrote: »

Yeah cutting contact would simplify things to some extent but it would really hard at the same time.

Oh it will be hard, but it's like ripping off a plaster as opposed to slowly tearing at the wound.

I don't want to portray her as a wench because she isn't at all. During the relationship she was so caring and so attentive. She really looked after me and went to great lengths to make me happy. We had lots and lots of fun together, going on holiday and that.

And that is a great memory to have of a nice time. That doesn't go away and neither should it. Just because it ended, doesn't mean it didn't have a great beginning and a great middle. Even fairystories always have crap endings. "and they lived happily ever after....." Arse to that. The journey is the thing, not the ending, so remember the good and don't worry about that, but also remember that this gave you good lessons, in both the good and the bad. You've learned the good, you're now learning the bad. They're still valuable lessons.

It dawned on me this evening that maybe her behaviour is out of anger - she feels that I'm getting over her too quickly or more quickly than she is over me, probably exacerbated when I didn't text her for a few days - she did say couple of times over the past three weeks that I did seem to be handling it much better, almost as if I was the one who did the breaking up. She might be worried that she didn't mean as much to me as I did to her, which was definitely not the case. But I'm not sure what to do about that.

Ah hell. I've been there ReallySad. I've been where you are. Most of us at some stage in our lives have been. Emotionally panicked and lost, looking for explanations, because what we feel about those who have left us, rejected us, needs no explanation. As I say I've been there and for me it was trying to figure out the emotionally unfigurable, or what I thought was at the time. I learned from it though. I learned that at least for me, when someone leaves, let them. Don't seek to explain them, or hate them. Just let them leave. They simply weren't right for you. And you know that's alright too. They were right for you at the time. People crap on about soulmates. Cynical oul me, thinks they exist, but not always in the way you want them to exist and they're not always for life or even a year or a month or 5 years. But soulmates are those that will teach you a helluva lot about yourself, if you listen to them, even by them leaving. I've only been truly in love twice, but I've had many soulmates. People(male mates too) that have taught me about myself. Without whom I would be a lesser man today such as I am.

You're still in the heartbreak stage and this will take time. You can speed up the process by letting her go as she let you go. Either way you will learn from this. I promise you that, even if I nor anyone else can promise you much of a relief from the confusion and hurt you're feeling now.

Eve_Dublin · 18-08-2009 9:25pm

Hey ReallySad...just want to say that I promise you it will be all okay....but there really is no getting away from it....you HAVE HAVE HAVE to cut complete contact with this girl. It's the ONLY way you can get started on healing your heart. Listen to the advice from people who've had their heart broken and have come out the other end intact.

I don't know if anyone read the review for a new film out next month (500)Days of Summer in The Observer on Sunday about a breakup of a relationship but one of the actors commented that:

"I've had my heart broken before," says Gordon-Levitt...."Truly, truly broken. But when I look back at me in my heartbroken phase, it's pretty hilarious, because it felt so much more extreme than it really was".

This really hit home for me and I'm sure it does for others who've been where you are. I had my heart absolutely smashed to pieces....lost a stone and a half, stayed in bed all day depressed, cried on my keyboard at work every 10 minutes or so, moved home to Ireland because everything about the city (including the bed I slept in and my friends) reminded me of my ex etc etc. Although it was all very, very real for me at the time, I look back and it all just seemed too much of a reaction over a relationship that was so very clearly not working and for a person I'd put on a pedestal as some sort of demi-God when he was really very, very human, warts 'n' all and I swear to God I laugh about it now. Was that me? Why did I let myself take it so badly? I can't relate to that person now at all. That was a year and a half ago now and it took me ages to cut all contact with him....he was using me as a crutch to get over his own guilt and loneliness....feigning concern but getting annoyed if I told him I was doing something normal like going away with friends for a weekend etc. At the back of my head I thought that he'd want me back and if I lost contact with him, he wouldn't realise what he was missing and wouldn't be able to track me down.

I prolonged the pain for at least 4 months that I didn't need to...I'll say it again from a veteran of a broken heart....the longer you stay in touch with your ex, the longer your putting off the inevitable pain and the longer it will take for you to get yourself back on track.

Good luck man...it's an absolutely crappy feeling but it WILL get better and you will be a wiser and stronger man because of it.

Oh and maybe check out that film on the 4th when it's out...I found music and films on the theme of heartbreak very cathartic.

http://www.guardian.co.uk/film/2009/aug/16/500-days-of-summer

LegacyUser · 19-08-2009 12:08am

Hi. Can I come in here for a moment.
I'm one of the School of Recent Break Ups Alumni. I have done all the no contact stuff. I've coped with that alright but the madness that gets in your head has been harder to quell.
It's been twelve weeks, without a peep from my Ex who chose to end our relationship by telling me there was someone else. Not a peep, until yesterday that is, with the out of the blue suggestion we meet up, sounding as if nothing in the world would be more natural.
I had been handling things reasonably well in that time. No denying I found it hard at times. Ok, it has all gone a bit wobbly for the moment but BUT I'm determined to recover from this blip and hold my position.
Sorry for butting in but I just had to make that assertion.

tbh · 19-08-2009 7:53am

lets say you're going out with someone. In order to be going out with them, you must have liked them at some stage, but as we all know, for millions of valid reasons, that sometimes doesn't last.

Now lets say you make the decision to break up. It's the right thing to do, but you still feel like a prick. The person you are not in love with, but do care about, may be very upset and the reason for that upset is you. It's very hard to deal with. So, you do whatever you can to try to lessen that person's pain. You say "we'll still be friends". You text them to say "How are you?" in the hopes that they will say "I'm great! I miss you but I'm getting on with my life. Thanks for breaking up with me, it took courage and it was the right thing to do".

Instead, they get your text and think "How am I? HOW THE FCUK DO YOU THINK I AM YOU PRICK! You ripped the heart out of me, and it doesn't seem to have affected you at all!"

For this reason, I advice no contact after a breakup for at least a year. It seems cruel, but you have to have space to grieve for the relationship you thought you were going to have.

So - in conclusion, don't reply to texts. Try to delete them without reading them - you need to get to a stage where you're not interested in what she has to say. You will get there, don't worry.

LegacyUser · 19-08-2009 8:00am

Can I just say this is a really inspiring thread, Im in a similar position to Reallysad right now, even though now it seems that my "OH" was only using me as a crutch from the start to get over her previous relationship, kinda know it at the back of my mind from the start but didn't wanna believe it, and i suppose you can't help who you fall for,
Haven't had contact since Sunday, and its hard as hell, she still thinks we're friends, and maybe we will be in time, just now i know i need time to get her out of my system, thought about telling her this but stopped myself cos i wanna keep some miniscule amount of dignity intact.....(if im honest i also hold faint hope that if i dont talk to her for a while she will realise that she made a mistake...Silly but i just can't help that)
It sucks to feel like this I really wanna just hate her but i cant, like the stone roses said, and its harder emotionally then anything ive ever been through (and ive had two close friends die unexpectedly)
I mean ive even been speaking to "psychics" something which id never have even contemplated just seeking assurance that what i felt was right and we were meant to be,(which they gave me and which has only prolonged the pain and false hop)
you don't know how unlike me this is, my head as been melted by the whole thing..

but this thread is helping alot, i just hope that a few months down the line ill look back at this and laugh...doesn't seem possible know but if its happened for others...

tbh · 19-08-2009 8:26am

Unregistered wrote: »

.doesn't seem possible know but if its happened for others...

it's happened for pretty much everyone. It's one of life's experiences, and I wouldn't want to have missed it, in truth. It's a lot easier to say that once you're past the "listening to sad music" stage

Eve_Dublin · 19-08-2009 9:35am

Unregistered wrote: »

Can I just say this is a really inspiring thread, Im in a similar position to Reallysad right now, even though now it seems that my "OH" was only using me as a crutch from the start to get over her previous relationship, kinda know it at the back of my mind from the start but didn't wanna believe it, and i suppose you can't help who you fall for,
Haven't had contact since Sunday, and its hard as hell, she still thinks we're friends, and maybe we will be in time, just now i know i need time to get her out of my system, thought about telling her this but stopped myself cos i wanna keep some miniscule amount of dignity intact.....(if im honest i also hold faint hope that if i dont talk to her for a while she will realise that she made a mistake...Silly but i just can't help that)
It sucks to feel like this I really wanna just hate her but i cant, like the stone roses said, and its harder emotionally then anything ive ever been through (and ive had two close friends die unexpectedly)
I mean ive even been speaking to "psychics" something which id never have even contemplated just seeking assurance that what i felt was right and we were meant to be,(which they gave me and which has only prolonged the pain and false hop)
you don't know how unlike me this is, my head as been melted by the whole thing..

but this thread is helping alot, i just hope that a few months down the line ill look back at this and laugh...doesn't seem possible know but if its happened for others...

As tbh said, I wouldn't take back what I went through back then because it gave me sense to never continue with a relationship that's not working for whatever reason again. My heart has toughened up a bit and as they say, first cut is the deepest and all that.

I know exactly where you're coming from....I was in bits, in absolute fecking BITS OP...I lost a stone and a half in one month because I couldn't eat, there'd be times when I would be walking down the street with friends and I'd suddenly remember I wasn't with my ex and have to sit down on the curb before I fainted, I wouldn've been happy never to have woken up from sleeping again, I felt sad from the first thing in the morning to the last thing at night. It was like the grief you feel over loosing someone close (and I know how that feels too) only as you said yourself, I think it was worse. You have to deal with the feelings of rejection as well and it's hard to "grieve" for someone you don't have total closure with and this is why it's very important to cut contact. You have to fool yourself into thinking they're not in your life anymore and there's no hope of reconciliation because for as long as you have that hope, the longer you'll prolong the pain.

I can't emphasise that point enough...I'd love to give anyone in the midst of heart-break who tries to justify their reasons for seeing their ex a good shake and a good talking to like I wish someone did for me (my close friends at the time hadn't had their heart broken yet and couldn't really empathise).

Take care of yourself OP and keep busy.

LegacyUser · 22-08-2009 12:06am

Hey all

Thanks for your replies!! Glad to see other people are benefiting from the thread as well

I know things will get better. It's just really hard at the moment. It's amazing how little it takes to make me upset, for instance any time I hear a U2 song or "viva la vida" by Coldplay it's a real struggle to keep it together. I'm finding during the day I'm managing, when in work. At night when I have time to myself though its tough. I keep remembering all the good times and laughs we had together. Granted we had our bad times at the end but its still difficult to deal with the fact that its gone for good, with nothing I can do about it. The fact that we're not talking or texting as much now is really hurting I have to say. I'm truly dreading the day she tells me she's found a new boyfriend.

She seems to be starting to get to grips with things. She started texting me the other night and I said I could do with a cuddle as I really missed her and she replied "Still?." It broke my heart. She did clarify by saying she just thought it might have gotten easier for me but still it was hard. Right now I just want to give up, curl into a little ball. I can feel this starting to take its toll mentally and physically now as I'm not sleeping well, im constantly tired, im anxious and panicky and im moving from day to day in a daze, I can't believe it's almost a month since we broke up. I guess the only thing to do is soldier on eh?

Eve_Dublin · 22-08-2009 11:59am

ReallySad wrote: »

Hey all

Thanks for your replies!! Glad to see other people are benefiting from the thread as well
I know things will get better. It's just really hard at the moment. It's amazing how little it takes to make me upset, for instance any time I hear a U2 song or "viva la vida" by Coldplay it's a real struggle to keep it together. I'm finding during the day I'm managing, when in work. At night when I have time to myself though its tough. I keep remembering all the good times and laughs we had together. Granted we had our bad times at the end but its still difficult to deal with the fact that its gone for good, with nothing I can do about it. The fact that we're not talking or texting as much now is really hurting I have to say. I'm truly dreading the day she tells me she's found a new boyfriend.

She seems to be starting to get to grips with things. She started texting me the other night and I said I could do with a cuddle as I really missed her and she replied "Still?." It broke my heart. She did clarify by saying she just thought it might have gotten easier for me but still it was hard. Right now I just want to give up, curl into a little ball. I can feel this starting to take its toll mentally and physically now as I'm not sleeping well, im constantly tired, im anxious and panicky and im moving from day to day in a daze, I can't believe it's almost a month since we broke up. I guess the only thing to do is soldier on eh?

OP.....I wish you'd taken what we said on board....can you not see how much more upsetting it is when you stay in touch with your ex?? If you didn't text her that you miss her, you'd never get the "still" response ( I can guarantee you that the fact that your telling her you miss her is giving her a perverse ego boost...she might not admit it or even realise it herself, but it's true hence the "still?" response...she wants more of that and that why she's questioning you), if you don't stay in touch, you won't know what she's up to, whose she's meeting....all these things that will prolong the pain and suffering.

PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE OP, break contact with her. This is the only advice we've given you as "be there, the t-shirt" broken-heart veterans. I'm telling you because I sympathise...can't you see that the contact is only making things worse??????? For your own good, stop it or you won't get over her.

And you have to get over the idea that reconciliation is on the cards. If she wants you, she'll know where to find you. She's ended it for a reason and she's not going back on that, believe me.

tbh · 22-08-2009 12:37pm

ReallySad wrote: »

It's just really hard at the moment. It's amazing how little it takes to make me upset, for instance any time I hear a U2 song or "viva la vida" by Coldplay it's a real struggle to keep it together.

what will happen with that is that you'll form an emotional scab around it. All you have to do is let time pass. For example, one night you'll be feeling better, and having a good time, and "viva la vida" will come on and you'll enjoy it, so now your memories of that song are 99% sad and 1% happy - over time the ratio will shift and you'll won't feel any pain. That's not just the coldplay song, btw, but everything. Life just moves on, even tho it feels like you're in freefall at the moment, you're still rolling along with the rest of us, and it all counts. It's no crime to be carried for a little bit

One thing tho. When she texted you, you must have had some motivation for asking her for a cuddle? It's tough love time girl. You can't do that. ou have to treat her like an acquaintance for now, it's the only way.

See, the psychology of saying "I could do with a cuddle" is to let her know you still want her. It's you flying a flag on the offchance - the million to one chance - that she'll want to come back to you. Now, I understand that that's perfectly natural. When you send a message like that, you fantasise - even on a subconcious level, that the person will respond. The fantasy gives you a relief from the pain.

but.

when the person doesn't respond in kind, the high has to be balanced with a low. That means you're worse off than you were before you sent the text message, you see? If you hadn't said "I miss you", you wouldn't have to have read her saying "still?"

What happens is, you pay for the high with the low. In this case, you are taking the high first, and paying afterwards. All you are left with is the memory of the pain, not the high. It's like paying a credit card.

Instead, you should try to pay in advance. By that I mean, don't indulge yourself in a conversation with her, whether she initiates it or not. DOn't allow yourself to sit around listening to coldplay, remembering times past. Don't wreck your head trying to figure out what it is you could do to get her back. The low is, you don't get to take temporary breaks from the pain by doing that. The high is, you heal quicker. It's a much better deal for you

Try to get out there and get rolling again. Replace the old memories with new ones - you've a lot more to make!

LegacyUser · 22-08-2009 3:04pm

OP

youre getting some really good advise here and you need to take it, i know that at the moment you are hoping for a reconciliation and that your fear is that if you go no contact NC then she will forget you totally.
my ex dumped over 2 years ago out of the blue, we made love in the morning and that night said that i love you not in love with you crap and that she wanted space to think. i let her lead me on for 6 months while all the time she was just sorting herself out while leaving me as back up, she let me believe that i was still in the picture but she messed me around.
essentially she dumped me twice ,once in the beginning and then when she had someone else lined up told me that i was out of the picture, 5 years together serious plans and within a month she was sleeping with some one else.

if i had the chance again, i would have given her space for 4-6 weeks and then if she didnt want back i would have gone NC straight away. OP believe me i went through hell and she nearly broke me. you HAVE to look after no 1 and you need to go NC.

if you want tell that you love her and want her back but that you are finding it all too confusing and that unless its reconciliation then you want NC. If she contacts you after this with small talk DONT REPLY. dont look at network sites and keep as busy as you can.

once my ex sorted out herself , all her talk of friendship etc was exposed for the shallow crap that it really was, she even brought him to my place of work because she had to "drop some stuff off to me" im sorry to say that i let her mess me around so much for over a year afterwards.

look after yourself treat yourself well because its a tough process, try new things. grieve for a while but dont wallow in it. use this as a launch pad to start a new period in your life.

good luck.

Taltos · 22-08-2009 8:15pm

OP

going to be totally blunt with you as the nicey-nicey comments above have not sunk in. So sorry but think you need a reality check here.

1. She does not LOVE you - she never did
> If she did would she have hurt you like this? Can you even imagine you hurting her like this?

2. STOP all contact NOW - it is making her feel better and killing you.
> Each time you text, call, respond you are making her feel needed and worthwhile. And with each response you are made to feel small and sniveling - worthless of receiving love from anyone else... This is all about control.

3. Almost everyone goes thru this. It is a life lesson like death.
> The lesson here is that you will move on you will get past this - but only if you take the advice given above.

Do these things immediately.
1. Cancel your facebook subscription
2. Change your mobile / block hers
3. Delete her number, trash all texts, throw out everything from before
> no letters, no date momentos, burn that ticket stub from the first movie.

You really really do need to listen to these guys and put her behind you.
She will continue to get in touch - less and less - and always when she is feeling down and needs a boost by making you crawl for her...

This is not love on her part - it never was. Before it was about being made to feel secure and loved (look what happened with her ex's). Now it is all about having control and again feeling good about herself.

Sorry for being so harsh. Please take this all in.

tbh · 22-08-2009 9:46pm

Taltos wrote: »

1. She does not LOVE you - she never did
> If she did would she have hurt you like this? Can you even imagine you hurting her like this?

I think that's a little overly harsh to be honest. People change, sometimes things get better, sometimes they get worse. But it doesn't mean there was never anything there to begin with.

I've had a few bad breakups on both sides of the coin, but I can honestly say, I have nothing but good feelings for any of my exes and am still friendly with all of them. In the breakups that hurt, now they don't hurt anymore because distance and time has taught me how to see how they all contributed to where I am now. And I'm happy now

Taltos · 22-08-2009 9:56pm

tbh wrote: »

I think that's a little overly harsh to be honest. People change, sometimes things get better, sometimes they get worse. But it doesn't mean there was never anything there to begin with.

I've had a few bad breakups on both sides of the coin, but I can honestly say, I have nothing but good feelings for any of my exes and am still friendly with all of them. In the breakups that hurt, now they don't hurt anymore because distance and time has taught me how to see how they all contributed to where I am now. And I'm happy now

Agree with you totally on this

But there is a difference between Love and Attraction that you can only really tell after you have been through at least one breakup like this.
Also unfortunately it is not always possible to stay on good terms with the other person. But right now the OP and his ex need some distance.

In some of my breakups - we did give each other the space you talked about and yrs later looking back I can think fondly of them. However the one where we did not - well - that is why I am trying to shock the OP into making a clean break, from exp I know it is not healthy.

However from reading the posts over the last few days it appears that neither of them can really commit to giving each other the space they need - hence my approach - direct and in the face. Bound to stir emotion - but hopefully to get the OP to really understand what you have been trying to get across.

MJOR · 23-08-2009 10:04am

Cut contact and move on. There is nothing more head wrecking than this kinda stuff. It'll be hard but worth it. You need to look out for yourself. She cannot have it both ways

Salome · 23-08-2009 11:08am

She really didn't feel as strongly about you as you did about her. She's moved on. You're not listening to the advice you're getting here as I think you want to wallow in the pain of the break-up. You've got to realise that she's over you - there probably wasn't much to get over on her part tbh as you were only together for 6 months. Can you not see this?

Your dignity is slowly disappearing - stop this now and wake up to reality. I'm sorry if you find this harsh but you need to realise how easily she's moved on - does this not speak volumes to you?

peekyboo · 23-08-2009 11:23am

Salome wrote: »

She really didn't feel as strongly about you as you did about her. She's moved on. You're not listening to the advice you're getting here as I think you want to wallow in the pain of the break-up. You've got to realise that she's over you - there probably wasn't much to get over on her part tbh as you were only together for 6 months. Can you not see this?

Your dignity is slowly disappearing - stop this now and wake up to reality. I'm sorry if you find this harsh but you need to realise how easily she's moved on - does this not speak volumes to you?

OP i feel for you, I really do. But I agree with Salome above. When people are in this situation they like to take whatever scraps of hope are available to convince themselves that the person is coming back to them. If she wanted to be with you then she would be. Simple as that. You need to cut contact because it is hurting you not her.

Wibbs · 23-08-2009 11:39am

There are two of you in this at this stage. It seems she needs to have you in her life for any number of reasons. Residual guilt over the breakup, emotional support, ego boost, safety net, etc and from what you've posted here she has been consistently pushing your buttons to keep this going with her continued and sounds like instigated by her contact. This is not good for you, so either she has little insight about this, is selfish or actually thinks she's helping, or a little from column A B and C. She'll likely keep doing it too.

Then there's you. You're in emotional panic and withdrawal. She's drip feeding you the drug that is her and you want that rather than go cold turkey. This is not healthy for you either, but you have the advantage and the power in this dynamic. You can stop it.

Take that power you have and use it. Stop texting her. Stop replying to her calls. Simply don't answer. If you have already told her you want to break contact and you keep replying, what does that tell her? It tells her you're not a man of your word. It tells her you don't mean what you say and it tells her to keep going with it. As an aside and somewhat ironically, if you had any hope of getting back with her, this will kill it.

So once again, tell her you cant have contact with her for the foreseeable future. Wish her well and end it. If she persists in contacting you, then don't take from that that she misses you and wants you back. Take from it that out of the above list, her selfish need for an emotional safety net trumps any concern she has for you. Trust me if she wanted you back this is not the usual way of going about it, though that's what you're hoping for.

You have the power to stop this. You have the power to speed up your healing. You have the power to move on to a better more mutual relationship with someone else(and yourself). Use it.

If you don't you will be back here in a months time still moping, still feeding her needs and your own and not one step down the road. Dopey people never learn from their mistakes, clever people do. Wise people learn from the mistakes of others. Then again, maybe this is a lesson for you, even if you keep doing this. I promise you, you'll look back and go WTF was I thinking, but as I say maybe it's one of these things you have to live through. Good luck anyway.

sunshine007 · 23-08-2009 1:02pm

It is difficult to take advice from other people about these situations - as you listen to things that you 'want' to hear. Its because you are not ready to take on board the other stuff. If we all took the advice of others seriously when in this situation, then this thread would be really small. Each person's resistance levels are different depending on the situation/couple/closeness etc Its a tough time...as they say 'time is a great healer' Its not going to happen overnight. But.. they are right when they say cutting contact is the best thing to do - by cutting contact - you are cutting out the chance of those old feelings rising to the surface. You are lucky in a sence that its a long distance relationship as you dont have to worry about bumping into each other and presuming you dont share the same group of friends also makes it a million times better.

You'll get there in the end.... no one ever said it was gonna be easy

Yet Another Breakup Thread

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