Why didn't he tell me?

marslip

I have a problem and need advice before I go totally crazy. To summarise, I have been seeing my boyfriend for almost 2 years. Both of us are in our 30s and it's the most serious relationship I've had (I thought we actually had a future together).

I was talking to my boyfriends's best friend on a night out recently and he mentioned my bf's 'condition'. Basically he has an illness that means a seriously shortened life span (living to 40-50 usually at the most), impotence & a lot of possible pain in the future.

The problem is this: my boyf never told me about this (I had to pretend I knew to the friend). Firstly Im horrified at what I've read since that night out and upset that he would have to go through something like this.

Mostly I feel so hurt that at this stage of our relationship that he couldn't trust me enough to tell me about this. I can't help feeling that he didn't take us seriously as a couple (even though he has told me often that he loves me).

If we stayed together then there would be a lot of tough decisions like whether we could have kids and I don't know if thats something I could bear to take on, on top of the fact that I woudl essentially be sharing my life with a ticking time bomb.

I don't know what to do now - should I tell him I know or walk away? I feel like a horrible person for being so selfish but it is tearing me up inside. I feel like I have been living a lie for the last 2 years!!

WIZE

How do you know its true?

I think you should ask your Boyfriend because im sure he knows better

LegacyUser

I definitely think you should bring it up with your partner. I don't doubt that the friend was telling the truth from their perspective but its a total case of chinese whispers, he might have some of the details quite mixed up! You need to ask your partner about it and get all the correct info before making such an important decision.

Try to bring it up in as nice a way as possible, let him know you are there for him and want to know all the details. I wouldn take it too personally that he didnt tell you before, he probly didn want to in the start coz he didnt want to freak you out and then it probly got to the stage where he felt it was 2late to tell ya! Plus he probly was too scared incase youd run away. Seems lik he might have had the right notion seen as you're considerin it huh?!?! Talk it out!! Communication is key Good luck!

SarahSassy

First of all do check with your bf what the story is....

If it is true, then that is very sad for him but it does not excuse the way in which he treated you. This should have been on the agenda as soon as things started to get serious with you two... i would be very pissed.

hobochris

I think you should also put yourself in your boyfriends shoes.. would you tell a partner if there was a good chance they would walk away. pretty much exiling yourself from any romantic relationship with the opposite sex as many would have the same mindset as yourself.

It can't be a nice feeling knowing that your number may be up sooner then most and knowing this will mark you as damaged goods to any potential partner you reveal it to.

Your reaction in your op justifies your BF's actions by not telling you.

Crotchety

I think it's selfish to leave the man because he has an illness. Grow up OP. Love him. He didn't tell you because he knew it would annoy you.

SarahSassy

Should she not leave him, if it is true, cos he has told (by omission) a monumemtal lie for the past 2 years.

marslip

Of course I want to support him and if it the case that he told me how things stood in the beginning then I might or might not have walked away.

I'm not saying even that I would walk away now, I hope things work out for us (well actually I hope it was all just a horrible dream but thats just human I guess).

I know I'm coming across as horrible and selfish but I'm trying not to be.

As I said though I'm in my thirties, not early twenties, at the age where I'm thinking of settling down and this is absolutely huge, too difficult to even get my head around as it came completely out if the blue.

I know the friend isn't lying or has the story wrong (its his best friend since childhood & is more like a brother). Also, I can understand why he presumed I knew.

I know I have to say it to my OH, I just can't figure out how to approach it - it's obviously a massive deal to him and I don't think it will do any good me forcing him to talk.

marslip

Its not like mumps - its living with him knowing that we could only ever have a few years together & knowing that I probably wont have kids if I stay.

Youre calling me selfish, can you say without hesitation that you wouldnt walk?

Crotchety

Well you loved him before you knew so why suddenly the change?

When a man gets cancer the woman usually doesn't go "Oh right, sorry about that now. Goodbye".

SarahSassy

marslip wrote: »

Youre calling me selfish, can you say without hesitation that you wouldnt walk?

Dont let self-righteous bullies on here make you feel guilty... Selfish, who?? Well its not the OP. Its her bf who let her fall in love with him and still, 2 years later, has not told her that she probably cant have kids with him and he has a short life expectancy. He is the selfish one.

OP, ask him out straight. He owes you SERIOUS answers.

SarahSassy

♫ wrote: »

Well you loved him before you knew so why suddenly the change?

When a man gets cancer the woman usually doesn't go "Oh right, sorry about that now. Goodbye".

COS HE LIED TO HER!!!!!

If he knew he had cancer for 2 years but didnt tell her, would that be ok too?

Crotchety

You're not born with cancer. He was born with his illness. Don't treat the guy like an idiot would you. If she was really in love with him she would stay with him.

Oh The Humanity

♫ wrote: »

Well you loved him before you knew so why suddenly the change?

Well, there is the small matter of the person she is supposed to be closest to in the world has concealed a huge sad secret from her. In her shoes I would be so hurt that the person kept it from me.
I would feel sad and worried and dissappointed all at once. Its not just as simple as shrugging it off as nothing. The lie and the illness change things.

♫ wrote: »

When a man gets cancer the woman usually doesn't go "Oh right, sorry about that now. Goodbye".

Apples and oranges.

This man has had this existing condition all along and never told her. Thats a manipulation of her trust and not something that can easily be overlooked. OP was not given the chance to make the decisions because he withheld material facts from her. That is a transgression that she may or may not choose to forgive.

Laying a guilt trip on her is beside the point which is: he Lied. Bigtime.

Crotchety

Well the bloke put it at the back of his mind I'd say. Didn't want to be thinking his life was half over already. Ignore all the teenage angst here OP. Do the right thing and love the lad.

SarahSassy

♫ wrote: »

You're not born with cancer.

You can be but he wasnt. He lied - its that simple. Just because he has a terminal illness doesnt forgive the deciept for 2 years.

Crotchety

He wanted to put it behind him. He didn't want to depress himself for life with the fact he was going to die. Give the boy a break.

hobochris

Op I've one question which should help make this clearer for you:

Would you rather you never met him knowing his condition or glad to have him in your life regardless?

marslip

♫ wrote: »

Well the bloke put it at the back of his mind I'd say. Didn't want to be thinking his life was half over already. Ignore all the teenage angst here OP. Do the right thing and love the lad.

I do love him, very much. THats why this is all so hard - if he really loved me and saw this as more than some kind of stop gap, then why wouldn't he even trust me to tell me something that will have such an effect on my life/our life together going forward?

Oh The Humanity

♫ wrote: »

He wanted to put it behind him.

Well its not just all about him is it? They are a couple or supposed to be.

♫ wrote: »

He didn't want to depress himself for life with the fact he was going to die.

Irrelevant. The fact is he is ill and his supposed life partner has the right to know what she is getting involved in.

♫ wrote: »

Give the boy a break.

Nope. He has some explaining to do. At the very least.

Crotchety

There's no point in asking us people. Go to your GP. THey might be able to help. We aren't qualified to assist in such extremes I would think.

SarahSassy

♫ wrote: »

There's no point in asking us people. Go to your GP. THey might be able to help. We aren't qualified to assist in such extremes I would think.

HUh?

CathyMoran

I do not think that this has anything to do with the OP's partner having a long term illness (LTI) - it is all about trust. When you have a LTI it is always difficult deciding when you bring it up - I am a type 1 diabetic (amongst other things) and I never did with my first long term boyfriend but it felt wrong, on the other hand I have always said it straight away ever since...he did not tell you something that you needed to know and while I have a lot of sympathy for him he should have told you by this stage.

The ball is now in your court - firstly and most importantly you need to know if he really is ill and then you need to think things logically from there - also, when did he find out about his illness (appologies if you already know) - I do not envy your decision but do remember that you have had some wonderful times with him already so do not remember him badly if you do decide to leave.

MicraBoy

I do love him, very much. THats why this is all so hard - if he really loved me and saw this as more than some kind of stop gap, then why wouldn't he even trust me to tell me something that will have such an effect on my life/our life together going forward?

Denial. It's not just a river in Egypt, it's a very powerful coping mechanism that allows humans do the strangest things.

I do think you are selfish, all you can mention is about is how he doesn't love you or doesn't trust you, or how you won't have babies.

How about you just do what should have been done in the first place. Have an open conversation and actually listen to the other persons side of it. Then make a decision if this is the person you love and want to be with.

SarahSassy

MicraBoy wrote: »

I do think you are selfish, all you can mention is about is how he doesn't love you or doesn't trust you, or how you won't have babies.

Huh?? YEAH cos its her side of the story...

Are all the 'Sunday drivers' out today or something?

MsTempermental

I can see your dilemma, by not informing you sooner he basically robbed you of the choice to back away before you became too involved, for people to say your being selfish is unfair, they are not the ones who will have to deal with the grief of possibly becoming a widow long before you may have previously expected, either way if he has a terminal illness you will loose him, the question is do you want to loose him now or take the chance and hope you got much longer?

You need to know all your facts before you can make a decision...if its a case where he cant or shouldnt have children well if you want them you will have to look at your options, (donor sperm?) he really shouldnt have kept tis secret from you but now its a case of maybe letting that hurt go and seeing what exactly your future together will be like and if its the future you want.

marslip

CathyMoran wrote: »

I do not think that this has anything to do with the OP's partner having a long term illness (LTI) - it is all about trust. When you have a LTI it is always difficult deciding when you bring it up - I am a type 1 diabetic (amongst other things) and I never did with my first long term boyfriend but it felt wrong, on the other hand I have always said it straight away ever since...he did not tell you something that you needed to know and while I have a lot of sympathy for him he should have told you by this stage.

The ball is now in your court - firstly and most importantly you need to know if he really is ill and then you need to think things logically from there - also, when did he find out about his illness (appologies if you already know) - I do not envy your decision but do remember that you have had some wonderful times with him already so do not remember him badly if you do decide to leave.

Thanks for that. I don't hate him or anything even close. I'm not even angry really. In a way I can understand why he did it; it cant be easy to live with the idea never mind telling someone and risk them walking away. I'm not saying I will walk away, he has been the best thing that ever happened to me. I just need to get over the fact that he has hurt me so much (even if he didnt realise it) and decide whether it is something i can live with.

LegacyUser

Why are people getting so hung up on the lie? Some lies are somewhat understandable you know. The guy will probably be dead within 10-15 years, and will be going through some horrible stuff before then. He's had all this to deal with for who knows how long, and you're getting hung up on the fact that he didn't tell you for 2 years. 2 years is nothing. If I found out tomorrow that my girlfriend had a terminal illness and couldn't have kids because of it and had kept that knowledge from me for 2 years, anger would be the last thing on my mind. I'd pretty much just be consumed with worry, fear, sympathy and concern for my girlfriend. Get some perspective.

MicraBoy

SarahSassy wrote: »

Huh?? YEAH cos its her side of the story...

Are all the 'Sunday drivers' out today or something?

Apologies I didn't realise I wasn't entitled to post here. I bow to your superior post count.

Davei141

He didn't tell you because more than likely you would of cleared off. I guess he didn't trust you with it and was right not to. If this was the case of a woman who wasn't able to have children due to illness she was born with and kept it quiet, i dont think militant bra burner sarah sassy would be putting the boot in then. Whichever way you try to convince yourself OP about being hurt by the deceipt and using that a reason to walk away, i believe it would just masking the fact you don't want to stay around for a person with a shortened life span. So was the guy really wrong about hiding it?

sunnyside

Maybe he didn't tell you because he enjoys living normally without people knowing. I don't think I'm explaining this well, people can treat you differently when they know you have an illness. If people don't know he has an illness then he gets treated like everybody else. Maybe very few people know about this illness, there clearly aren't many obvious symptoms, I'm thinking of something like MS, easily hidden from most people most of the time.

I can understand why you are mad, I would be too.

CathyMoran

Davei141 wrote: »

He didn't tell you because more than likely you would of cleared off. I guess he didn't trust you with it and was right not to. If this was the case of a woman who wasn't able to have children due to illness she was born with and kept it quiet, i dont think militant bra burner sarah sassy would be putting the boot in then. Whichever way you try to convince yourself OP about being hurt by the deceipt and using that a reason to walk away, i believe it would just masking the fact you don't want to stay around for a person with a shortened life span. So was the guy really wrong about hiding it?

I still believe that she had a right to know - hopefully she would have still dated him, if not that would be her loss. I would say exactly the same if the tables were turned.

The thing is with life that you do not know what will happen next - serious illnesses can and do happen to anyone at any time and other life events can happen too.

I do wish the OP the best of luck with her decision.

Karen_*

MicraBoy wrote: »

I do think you are selfish, all you can mention is about is how he doesn't love you or doesn't trust you, or how you won't have babies.
.

Well they are quite important things I would have thought. Certainly her boyfriend hasn't been thinking of her future and how this might affect it.

OP just my opinion but leave. Not because of the illness but because of the blatant disregard for your feelings and your future. Thats not love. Its pure selfishness on his part and don't be with someone who puts himself before you every time.

seanybiker

he didnt say it at the start because nobody knows at the start of a relationship how long its going to last. The longer it goes on the harder it is for him to tell you. Im sure once it got serious ye had the "I cant wait to grow old with you and spend our whole lives together. " hearing that is always lovely, apart from (i imagine) you know that there is a chance that the rest of your life together might not be as long as you expected. It must be really hard for him to tell you. I do feel sorry for the two of ye though. Not in a bad way if ya know what I mean.
Supposedly people that think about being sick all the time can actually make themselves sick. If/when you talk to your boyfriend about this Im sure it is going to be in the back of both your minds. That will make the two of ye feel bad. Best just having a very serious discussion about it. You ask him to explain everything he can about his condition. Then you tell him exactly how you feel, knowing all this. Then hopefully ye decide to stay together. After that just try not to talk about it unless needs be ie he feels his health is starting to suffer. Best thing for him is a good quality life just incase he does suffer early from his problem.
It is a lot to ask from someone and Im sure nobody here would judge you if you decide that you cant have handle the problem.

I sincerely wish the best to both of ye in the future, whether it be together or not.

Davei141

CathyMoran wrote: »

I still believe that she had a right to know - hopefully she would have still dated him, if not that would be her loss. I would say exactly the same if the tables were turned.

The thing is with life that you do not know what will happen next - serious illnesses can and do happen to anyone at any time and other life events can happen too.

I do wish the OP the best of luck with her decision.

Its more the posts painting the guy as some kind of selfish asshole because he decided to keep a terminal illness to himself that i find utterly baffling. Do i feel sorry for her? Yes. But i feel for the guy with the illness way more. Having to deal an early death and wondering if the person he loves is going to bail on him because the clock is ticking...

Karen_* wrote: »

Well they are quite important things I would have thought. Certainly her boyfriend hasn't been thinking of her future and how this might affect it.

OP just my opinion but leave. Not because of the illness but because of the blatant disregard for your feelings and your future. Thats not love. Its pure selfishness on his part and don't be with someone who puts himself before you every time.

Are you for real? Some serious nutcases around here to not even understand why he kept it to himself.

~nop~

Davei141 wrote: »

Having to deal an early death and wondering if the person he loves is going to bail on him because the clock is ticking...

I think the issue here is that, if he had told her at the start, she could make a rational decision either way before either of them was too emotionally into the relationship at all.

Yes it is horrific what this man does and will have to deal with, but it is nearly as awful being the grieving widow left behind, who has lost the one she loved, possibly is left childless even if she wanted kids, and lives another 30/40 years after him. Surely if this man was unselfish he wouldn't want her to hurt like that, and surely he has a duty to warn her of it in advance so that she can make this decision herself.

Crotchety

Would ye just get a grip on yourselves. Of course he'd keep it to himself. Dying early is bad enough. He didn't need to have his girl walking out on him too.

Silverfish

If she's the type that would walk out on him, then he would know he made a bad choice in a partner, and hopefully will have better luck this time.

He should have told her, its ridiculous not to. It's better to tell the truth and see what type of person they are, do they love you enough to stay with you, than to lie to them and pretend you're someone you're not so they will stay with you.


OP, you need to say it to him that you know, and how you found out. You need to bring it to him, and ask him what he thinks. Nothing will take back that you know now, and the two of you pretending its not there is just not sustainable.

Crotchety

Maybe there's nothing up with him and you made a show of yourself by agreeing with what the fella said in the pub. He might have been taking the piss and you believed and agreed with him. You even said you knew what you don't know. Chances are your fella and his mate are laughing their four testicles off at the fact you fell for the gag.

That is one scenario...

marslip

♫ wrote: »

Maybe there's nothing up with him and you made a show of yourself by agreeing with what the fella said in the pub. He might have been taking the piss and you believed and agreed with him. You even said you knew what you don't know. Chances are your fella and his mate are laughing their four testicles off at the fact you fell for the gag.

That is one scenario...

Its not a joke, if it was I think it would be a pretty sick one.

I want to clarify a couple of things:

His friend mentioned that he had known for a few years and fairly presumed I knew.

I never said I am leaving him. Of course I feel sad and terrible that he has to deal with something like this and I know he doesn't want to be defined as 'the sick person'. I am trying not to be selfish and think about what he has had to handle.

My point is that he could have told me earlier in our relationship and now I could have made a more 'informed' decision (I hope that doesn't sound cold). A relationship is two people though, I know he has to think about himself but part of being a couple is that you are supposed to share your lives, both the good stuff and the bad stuff and you can't neglect to tell your bf or gf something that will have a dramatic effect on their life.

If I had known from early on I would have gone into this eyes wide open and knowing, within reason, what the future might hold.

I thought I could trust him with everything and, after 2 years I'm wondering if I ever really knew him at all...

LegacyUser

marslip wrote: »

I thought I could trust him with everything and, after 2 years I'm wondering if I ever really knew him at all...

I don't think you are, your head is just trying to use this issue of "trust" to rationalise not wanting to be with him. Trust me, if you loved him there's no way the trust thing would be an issue at ALL. You'd be shocked and sick with worry and really wouldn't give a damn that he hadn't told you. Think about it, you've just found out that you're boyfriends days are numbered and you're put out he didn't tell you about it 18 months or a year ago. I'm not sensing the love there really.

marslip

Unregistered wrote: »

I don't think you are, your head is just trying to use this issue of "trust" to rationalise not wanting to be with him. Trust me, if you loved him there's no way the trust thing would be an issue at ALL. You'd be shocked and sick with worry and really wouldn't give a damn that he hadn't told you. Think about it, you've just found out that you're boyfriends days are numbered and you're put out he didn't tell you about it 18 months or a year ago. I'm not sensing the love there really.

I can see how it may look that way. Of course I am sick with worry about him and, if it was something that had happened while we were together itwould be a different issue. But imagine for a second if your OH had maybe 10 years left and neglected to tell you when you had planned to spend the rest of your life with him or her, wouldn't you find it a little hard to take in?

LegacyUser

marslip wrote: »

I can see how it may look that way. Of course I am sick with worry about him and, if it was something that had happened while we were together itwould be a different issue. But imagine for a second if your OH had maybe 10 years left and neglected to tell you when you had planned to spend the rest of your life with him or her, wouldn't you find it a little hard to take in?

If she told me she was dying from an incurable disease? No, honestly, mad at her would be the last thing I'd be regardless of if she had known from the day she was born. I'd be mad at the world/universe or whatever for it happening but how could I possibly be mad at the woman I love if she were to tell me that she had a terminal illness? I'd just get on with making the most of the time we have.

Alicat

As sad as it is for the OP and her partner, just because he has a terminal illness does not excuse him from considering other people's feelings too....most importantly his partner.

He was cowardly not to tell her. I totally understand why, I'm sure it's an awful thing to have to discuss with someone you love and it means facing up to it yourself. It seems to me he hasn't really accepted his illness. He kept it hidden and didn't tell the most important person in his life.

I didn't see anywhere in the OP's posts if they live together or not, but if they do....how has he managed to keep schtum about it for so long? Surely it must eat him up inside everyday? And if it's not then he's clearly ignoring the magnitude of the situation/illness and the effect it has on everybody, not just him.

OP, I know you're hurt and he should have told you, but not all of us are perfect or do the right thing all the time. I don't see it as "lying", I believe it was fear and/or denial that kept him from telling you, not that he didn't love you. It doesn't make him a bad person. Silly, yes, and foolish to think he could continue without telling you/you finding out, yes, but he's still that same person you fell in love with. The only problem I see now is where you go from here. You have to decide whether a wonderful (albeit shorter) life with the man you're madly in love with is more important than the happy families fairytale (that normally doesn't end up that way anyway!). I wouldn't judge you for picking either of them, just go with what feels right for you.

Best of luck

bSlick

Davei141 wrote: »

He didn't tell you because more than likely you would of cleared off. I guess he didn't trust you with it and was right not to. If this was the case of a woman who wasn't able to have children due to illness she was born with and kept it quiet, i dont think militant bra burner sarah sassy would be putting the boot in then. Whichever way you try to convince yourself OP about being hurt by the deceipt and using that a reason to walk away, i believe it would just masking the fact you don't want to stay around for a person with a shortened life span. So was the guy really wrong about hiding it?

What is wrong with a women not wanting to stay with a guy who might only have 10 or 15 years left and can't have children? Tell me exactly what is wrong with that? The OP isn't in her twenties, she is running out of time to have kids and find a life partner. Life isn't like a Hollywood movie or a Michael Bolton song as some posters seem to be implying - 'if you loved him, you'd never leave him', etc...what age are you guys who are coming out with that?

This love conquers all crap doesn't wash in the real world, especially once you get into your thirties and have been around the block, are more pragmatic and have gotten past the Hollywood version of romance. She knows this guy less than 2 years yet now you think she is obliged to stay with him and end up as a childless widow in her early forties and without the possibility of ever having a child.

It's alright for a guy to say 'Id never leave my gf if she told me after 2 years she had a terminal illness' but guys don't have a clicking biological clock driving them to get pregnant. There are plenty of women who will leave, and rightly so if that's their choice, the man they love if he can't/won't have kids with them. There have been alot of threads on this forum from women in that position, and most of the suggestions were to leave the man if he's not up for children and she is as it is such a huge life issue and if the couple can't agree on it, it's often better to go their separate ways. Yet here we have the same situation but also thrown into the mix is the fact that the guy will die within 10-15 years (and has decieved her about this), and now suddenly because of that the OP is supposed to just overlook the kids issue and stay with him? That's BS.

There is nothing to feel guilty about leaving him if you chose to do so OP, he's the one who should be feeling guilty for not telling her earlier. I can see why he wouldn't tell her at the start but he should've mentioned it alot sooner than 2 years in.

What did he think was gonna happen down the line, what was he gonna do, turn around one day at 40 and say 'Sorry but Im gonna die in the next few years and all the time you were trying and failing to get pregnant I knew I was impotent and didn't tell you and now you're chance at having children is gone, sorry about that. But it's ok because we love each other.'

LegacyUser

I’m very sorry to hear about your partner, living with something like that can only be described as truly frightening and sad.

I can understand why you feel upset, but as another poster pointed out sould you really be concentrating on the fact that he omitted to tell the truth rather than the pain of losing someone you love?

In a lot of ways I totally understand where is coming from, first it starts out with new love, he is not sure if it will work out why would he bare his soul about the fact that he only has so long to live? Then you both fall in love, and I do think he genuinely loves you, the fact that he didn’t tell you even tells me that. He probably has not told you for a combination of reasons, the fact that he loves you and is terrified of losing you (even though it is somewhat selfish it is also somewhat understandable) and I am fully convinced he is in some sort of denial about his condition and that maybe when he is with you the fact that you don’t associate him with his condition because you don’t know (I’m sure his family and as you said his best friend knows, I’m sure he can see it even by the way they look at him) maybe that’s why he has not told you. Simply put when he is with you in his mind he is not sick. I know this is not an excuse but I think it might go some way to explain why he did what he did. I really wouldn’t be concentrating on the fact that he didn’t tell you, I myself would be more concerned about how is coping with a death sentence!

SarahSassy

BUt the problem is that she is now also coping with a death sentence. He has pushed her into a position whereby its veryn hard for her to leave. If he told friends then he should have told her too.

Merch

SarahSassy wrote: »

Should she not leave him, if it is true, cos he has told (by omission) a monumemtal lie for the past 2 years.

Why should he eliminate the possibility of a loving relationship because of an ilness, even if it is true, does a friend really know the full extent of it??

SarahSassy wrote: »

Dont let self-righteous bullies on here make you feel guilty... Selfish, who?? Well its not the OP. Its her bf who let her fall in love with him and still, 2 years later, has not told her that she probably cant have kids with him and he has a short life expectancy. He is the selfish one.

Are you some kind of man hater? do you have a serious illness?? are you qualified to talk on the subject, I think not.

OP, ask him out straight. He owes you SERIOUS answers.

SarahSassy wrote: »

COS HE LIED TO HER!!!!!

If he knew he had cancer for 2 years but didnt tell her, would that be ok too?

Lied, you are extreme, are you on here to wind people up with your extreme views??
If they are in relationship and she thinks its serious, how does being in love become his fault?? If it hasn't affected their life so far and they love each other then now is the time it has naturally come up.
OP I would ask the other half about it and be careful in your approach, perhaps it is not as serious as the friend made out, perhaps they are not medically qualified to comment/sticking their beak in where it doesn't belong?heard it 5th hand??
Perhpas there is something there but he cared for her he didnt want to concern her.

Merch

SarahSassy wrote: »

BUt the problem is that she is now also coping with a death sentence. He has pushed her into a position whereby its veryn hard for her to leave. If he told friends then he should have told her too.

OP Id look at this persons extreme opinions elsewhere and take heed.
I am sure your BF didn't intend if he really has an illness that it is probably your feelings you will find he is concerned about.

Find out the truth and dont listen to certain nuts here

aoibhebree

♫ wrote: »

Would ye just get a grip on yourselves. Of course he'd keep it to himself. Dying early is bad enough. He didn't need to have his girl walking out on him too.

Yes, of course he's entitled to happiness, but his illness doesn't mean that he's more entitled to happiness than his girlfriend! The worst thing that could happen is for his girlfriend to stay with him out of "pity" for the "invalid", and sacrifice the next couple of decades of her life caring for him out of guilt rather than love.

Unregistered wrote: »

how could I possibly be mad at the woman I love if she were to tell me that she had a terminal illness?

What has upset the OP is that he didn't tell her about the illness and she found it out from someone else!

After two years of being in a serious relationship with someone, that's a pretty fundamental part of one's life to omit.

None of us knows the future - any of us could be killed in an accident or whatever, and leave behind a grieving partner. It's very likely that, had the OP known about his condition from the start, she could have dealt with it and made the decision that the relationship was still worth pursuing. However she's very deep in now, and her right to that decision has been taken away. It would be very hard to walk away at this stage of the relationship.

I just think that, if she stays with him (and fair play to her if that's what she decides to do), the last few years of his life will obviously be very tough for her to deal with. Had she been well-informed from the start, at least she could comfort herself with the knowledge that this was her decision, and it might make it easier for her to cope with. As it is, she's very emotionally involved and her right to make an informed choice has been taken away.

And yes of course I feel a lot of sympathy for her boyfriend too, but the fact is that he has had his whole life to deal with this - whereas this has just been sprung on the OP out of nowhere. My advice would be to sit down, get all the facts straight, and think long and hard before making any decisions. If you decide to leave, that's your right, and you should never let anyone make you feel guilty for it.

I wish both you and your partner the best of luck and happiness whatever you decide to do.

SarahSassy

aoibhebree wrote: »

Yes, of course he's entitled to happiness, but his illness doesn't mean that he's more entitled to happiness than his girlfriend! The worst thing that could happen is for his girlfriend to stay with him out of "pity" for the "invalid", and sacrifice the next couple of decades of her life caring for him out of guilt rather than love.



What has upset the OP is that he didn't tell her about the illness and she found it out from someone else!

After two years of being in a serious relationship with someone, that's a pretty fundamental part of one's life to omit.

None of us knows the future - any of us could be killed in an accident or whatever, and leave behind a grieving partner. It's very likely that, had the OP known about his condition from the start, she could have dealt with it and made the decision that the relationship was still worth pursuing. However she's very deep in now, and her right to that decision has been taken away. It would be very hard to walk away at this stage of the relationship.

I just think that, if she stays with him (and fair play to her if that's what she decides to do), the last few years of his life will obviously be very tough for her to deal with. Had she been well-informed from the start, at least she could comfort herself with the knowledge that this was her decision, and it might make it easier for her to cope with. As it is, she's very emotionally involved and her right to make an informed choice has been taken away.

And yes of course I feel a lot of sympathy for her boyfriend too, but the fact is that he has had his whole life to deal with this - whereas this has just been sprung on the OP out of nowhere. My advice would be to sit down, get all the facts straight, and think long and hard before making any decisions. If you decide to leave, that's your right, and you should never let anyone make you feel guilty for it.

I wish both you and your partner the best of luck and happiness whatever you decide to do.

Thank God - some who sees sense.

I dont wish this guy any ill will. It is desperately sad that he is in this position but he was so wrong to keep it quiet from his partner. He let the relationship deepen but kept this big dark secret in the closet. He deserves happiness but she does too. He was wrong not to tell her. I do understand why but he was morally wrong and did he a great dis-service.